16yo dd has an attitude about this...

whole surgery/recovery thing.
Okay, how do I explain this?
I have been talking to my dd about all my bleeding and pain problems right from the start, and at first she was simpathetic about the whole thing. When I talked to her about the surgery, she had few little to say about it, and when I was talking to dh about recovery(she was in the room) and mentioned not being able to lift anything heavier than 2lbs. she rolled her eyes at me and said "oh come on mom, thats means you can't even lift that glass of water your drinking"
Emotional me started crying and she just rolled her eyes again and left the room.
This girl has always been so sweet to everyone about everything and it just blows my mind that she got this attitude about something so serious.
I've completely shutdown talking to her about anything now, I know this is the worng thing to do, but I'm afraid that if I start to try to explain the whole thing to her, she's just going to hurt my feelings again. I really am going to need her help afterwards. Dh only has a few days he can take off after surgery and I was planning on her to help me get up and get my shower and so on in the mornings before she goes to school.
I know I need to talk to her about this, but how do I reach her without getting hurt?

Also, I get panic attacts(spelling?) when I go to the dr. So bad I have actually ran from the dr. office with chest pains and hard to breath and stomach upset, does anyone else get that and how do you control it, another question for the dr. thursday.

Please give me some advice, I'm such an emotional mess.
thanks

my DS was sorta the same way, he is 14 and always has an attitude, im just wondering tho if thats just her way of dealing with what u went thru ?

i mean the fact that she doesnt understand but the whole situation still might have been scary to her but she cant admit it or is trying to avoid talking about it, because talking about it makes it more of a reality ?

awhile back my son did a complete turn around on me (then of course reverted back) that he was coming up to me and hugging me out of the blue, and hanging on me, i kept asking him what was up, cuz this was strange for him to do... after awhile i found out his friends mother has recently passed away from cancer

its hard to remember how a teenage mind works

taggrace,

I have worked for the past 17 years w/ adolescent females. (This does not make me an expert, but it has given me some experience).
Could it be that your daughter is scard? Or maybe she is like I was at that age: Clueless. I was about 18 when my mom had her hysterectomy and I barely thought about it. I was very self-centered. And most 16 years old are not near as 'old' as we often think they should be. Most of the kids I deal with can come across as being 'older' then their age, but they are still very young.
(note: normal teenagers major in the 'eye roll').
My biggest suggestion is to not expect to much out of her. Sometimes the 'quieter' we are the more they want to know. My mom gave me some great advise when my son was a teenager: you cannot put an old head on young shoulders.

I also suffered for years from panic attacks. This was back in the late 70's when the biggest advise I recieved was to 'snap out of it'. Obviously the people who told me this never went through it. My attacks led to my becoming agoraphobic for a few years. But that is a whole long story. To make it short, I did eventually get past that part of my life. I still have a panic attack once in a while, but I learned some tricks w/breathing etc. to get through it.

Please feel free to e-mail me and I can pass on some of the tricks I learned to get through that time.

Hang in there: Kids grow up and panic can go away.

Hi there,
do you think she's scared? 16 is a very awkward age and could it be that initially she was OK because "mom's just having an op." but then as realization dawns about how major this really is she's actually freaking out a bit about whether you'll be OK and how she'll cope without you at full throttle ? Also female things might feel a bit wierd to her, a bit too close to home?
Is she the type of girl to put on a tough front to hide her true emotions?

My DS (17 yrs) is pretty non comittal about it all, in fact I think he's beginning to get a bit bored by all my talk about it. He really has no concept of how important the recovery restrictions are, I guess because he's not come up against this type of thing, it's almost as if he thinks I'm winding him up about what I won't be able to do. They like to think mom's invincible and it's scary when they realise we're not.

I'm not sure how's the best way to approach her, but I'm sure someone else here will have some good suggestions to try.

I also have problems with hospitals. The only way I can cope is for DH to come with me, also my Dr is very understanding and will prescribe just a few tranquilisers to get me thru (I have a long history of depression/anxiety/panic attacks) Have you ever tried relaxation tapes ? I've found 1 that helps and I do try to use some of the exercises when I'm out and concentrate on breathing techniques-I'm hoping that will help thru the castle stay. I'll probably take a walkman with me to listen to it. It's just a case of finding one that suits you.

Here's a big from me, good luck with everything
Vicky

As frightened as some (most?!) of us get by the thought of this surgery, it's no surprise that others directly around us also worry... especially if they are young.

I have one of those things - a 16 y/o DD, that is.

I certainly have no quick fix to offer, but have found that when somewhat traumatic things are this *close*, my best approach to communication is to separate out the emotion so that DS gets the message in easy to boil down terms. It's almost a kind of *reverse pyschology*. I know that I don't process things well when I am freaking out, so it finally occured to me one day that she is probably the same way - only even less experienced at it!

Rather then telling her everything *I* won't be able to do for awhile, which invariably scares her as it is essentially a threat to her royalty like existence .... I simply tell *her* - gently and very matter of factly - what specific but simple supportive tasks I am going to need from her. Then, she seems to better process things in her own way, and the questions and outward caring usually (eventually) follow...

Did I mention that this theory didn't work to perfection the first time I tried it?! No worries - practice has apparently paid off, and now she's even planning midday trips home (between college running start and high school) to check on me!

I dont want to sound like im an expert, but I can tell you what I went through as a young girl when we found out that my mother had ovarian cancer, I was about 14 years old, I dont remember acting like a butt, but I do remember being very afraid, and all my life ive always had that fear, with every pap, I was so scared of those horable words cancer, her I am 42 now and I have this problem, they have done all kinds of test on me but cant find anything wrong, they cant get the bleeding to stop either, so my doc told me that their was a surgery that I could have where they place a balloon in side of me and heat it up, it is suppose to slow down the bleeding, I asked the doc if I just could have the hysterectomy, she really looked at me funny, but I told her about me mom and she said yes, she did want to take my ovarys because they didnt find anything wrong with them and I told her I wanted them out, so they are going to take them, but that shows you how deep the fear goes, and I would imagin she is feeling it to, and she probably always will it something that sticks with a person, but im going to also tell you I have a son that is 16 he use to be the sweetest thing alive everyone just loved him to death he would do anything for you, he helped me through 2 other surgerys with know problem, he wanted to, but this one I doubt if I even see him afterwards, I was hoping that he could stay home from work 1 day to help me he wont even ask, I know they wouldnt mind his boss is his friend, I honestly think alot of it is there age you just cant beat that part of it, he to also made a nasty comment about lifting stuff, he told me you lift with your arms not your stomach. but I will suggest that you let your husband pull her aside and talk to her about it, thats what mine is going to do, I just cant deal with the kids right now, but I wish you the best of luck and dont let things get to you, it will get better, and im sorry this is so long. if you ever need to talk just let me know.
Bev

JanRan
Loved your comment about about the "royalty like existance" totally sums up my DS. Im gonna try your reverse psychology with him, wish me luck
Vicky

One of the things I appreciate most in life right now is this site. The posts on this thread are why.

When I went through my breast cancer experience a few years back, I inadvertantly shared *too much* with my family. It had a negative impact on my then 16 y/o DS and 10 y/o DD. We had always been a very open family, and I was naive as to how my verbalized emotion and expressions of *TMI = too much information* would come to overwhelm and worry them.

When I saw those signs, I turned instead to my two closest gal pals ... only to find them also fearful - as this was a cancer that could also ultimately affect one of them. Again, *too close*. Dealing with my situation - kids and friends avoiding me, and a DH also very emotionally traumatized - was really difficult given all of the other uncertainties at the time.

I learned a lot from that experience. I found that the best support I got actually came from people more *detached* from me. (The *less emotion*- or *sameness*- factor is such a huge plus!) I also learned that, when called, I too would serve ... and was sure to better connect with others around when I was later well, but they were unfortunately not.

That's why, when I found this site ... I knew I needed to be here. Emotion can pour freely here. Here, we have each other to lean on - and since we're essentially standing in much the same shoes, it's just a wonderful fit!

JanRan
Loved the words of wisdom, thankyou, you've put my thoughts into words about this site. Sometimes our "dear everyones "are just to close to take it all. We need to remember that
Vicky

DS and I once had a real go of it a few years, and the only way he could find to explain his actions was to suggest to me that possibly he had *ADD*.

I offered up to him that I felt he actually had *CAD* = CENTER of ATTENTION DISORDER ... and that, yes - ironically, that did spell *cad*!