Fear

This fear seems never ending. I go Wednesday for CT scan to be certain cervical cancer hasn't spread beyond stage where hysterectomy is best option. I'm terrified it has, but fairly confident it hasn't. How strange to be hopeful that this surgery I'm so frightened of will be possible. Surgery scheduled for a week from Tuesday.

I need a list of where I've kept all my lists. Grocery lists, packing list, things to get done before hand lists, phone chain lists, things to take care of before surgery lists, possible remedies to possible problems lists..........

So tired and nervous and stressed all the time, yet a bazillion things to do to get ready to be incapacitated for such a long time. An ironing pile taller than me.

Who knew I could cry so much? This roller coaster is no fun.

Waiting to tell psycho mother, DD and DS until CT scan results so I can tell them exactly what is going on and to reduce their worry time. What torture sitting on this when it's all I think about now. And pretending everything is alright when NOTHING is alright.

Then there's the paranoia. EVERYTHING I read scares me at the same time that I'm reassured that many women have the same problem and there's good advice. Plus, with cancer concerns, everytime I get a twinge in my toe, I'm convinced it's a tumor twinge!

The only good news these days is that I've found this site. I'm here obsessively in the last few days, and it really helps!

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am having a TAH tomorrow, so unfortunately i do not have alot of advice for you.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Im wondering if it wouldn't be better to tell your mother, DD and DS about what is going on-they may be a great comfort and support to you.

I hope your CT goes well. Please let us know


Susanne

Hi Sue

You and I seem to suffer from the same "super woman" complex in terms of keeping everything to ourselves and putting on the fake happy face in order to not burden others. I am so sorry you're going through all this. Is there anyone you can talk to so you don't have to be alone?

If you don't get everything on your lists accomplished before surgery please try not to worry about it. I was so uptight pre-surgery about wondering what shape my home was going to be in (hubby doesn't seem to know where the dishwasher is) but when I got home from the castle nothing mattered. The place wasn't as neat as I'd like it but I didn't care! And that was a major breakthrough for a control freak like myself

I'm very happy that this wonderful website has been helpful. Continue to read, post, ask questions and make use of the handy pull down menus.

Best of luck

Sue,

I am so sorry you have the cancer concern along with your surgery! I can understand you not wanting to prolong the worry your family would have by telling them ahead of time. But, they can probably tell that something is not right anyway, and may be worried because they imagine all kinds of things. You might want to consider at least telling your mother. It is a heavy burden for you to bear alone. Have you posted in the Cancer Concerns area of this board? You may find some needed compassion there.

lol that you need a list to keep track of your lists! I think many of us can identify with that! I know I tried to get things done as though I would be incapacitated for 6 months!! lol.

I hope your ct scan comes back with good news! Take care,

Mongie