Sad to be... sad! (kids mentioned)

I was reading the posts about not being able to have more children and I can relate so much, but I still feel like I am alone in a way. I know I'm not, so maybe that's why I am posting.. to get the woodwork to start talking and saying that I'm really not alone in these feelings!

I have two kids from a previous marriage. My husband and I wanted to have two children together. Actually, I wanted one child, but he wanted two and since my boys were older (10 and 12 when our daughter was born), I agreed with my whole heart that two little ones in our home was perfect. Of course, things didn't go as planned.. my pregnancy with our daughter was awful, my body tried to reject her (found out years later it was my clotting disorder, never knew I had one!). After that, I was able to get pregnant, but lost it every time. We did five years of fertility testing and treatments but had 14 documented losses.

All of this was with me in growing pain. The clotting disorder causes problems, the adeno causes problems, everything that is wrong with my body can cause fertility problems, added up, it causes impossible hurdles to get over. I endured so much and gained **nothing** from it. And I am bitter.. and I don't feel like I was monitored or tested or treated properly by any of the doctors I saw. They stood around wringing their hands and shrugging while I suffered through it and researched and asked for tests and told them about treatments. I am ANGRY that these men didn't seem to care enough to lend me a hand and offer some kind of expertise. They were supposed to be experts! Instead, *I* had to gather information, *I* had to go between them, they never even bothered to speak to one another, they would have *me* be the messenger and I know I probably missed things, my notes could only be so good, since I am a layperson, not a medical specialist.

ugh. Anyway. The last guy we saw actually helped a great deal. But it was too late.. we were out of money, out of emotional energy and out of time. The treatment he suggested could kill me if I wasn't monitored properly and my obgyn wasn't willing to do it. With my clotting disorder, I have to be watched carefully and it seems my doctors all believe I am just a waste of space in their offices and don't give me any type of monitoring or treatments that could actually help me.

Now I am so fed up with the pain, I just want it out, I want it gone. And then I think but if only.. if only I could have gotten pregnant and stayed that way. If only my body could do it one more time (my husband had a vasectomy, so that ain't gonna happen). I miss the baby that should have been. I miss the feeling of having a full family. I see that empty space in our family pictures, I see it when the kids are all together, I see it when my sister's granddaughter comes over and my daughter is so thrilled to be with her. I absolutely crumble inside every time my daughter asks me if my niece can be her baby sister and those big eyes stare at me, not understanding why not..

I am sad.. I am sad that I can't explain it to her. I am sad that I can't explain it to myself. I am sad that I have a defective body that seems to be torturing me and there is no end in sight. I am sad that I have such a hard time coping with the idea of never being pregnant again.

Please tell me that I'm not totally alone. I know I'm not.. I just need to be TOLD that.

Beanlet
No, your not alone. I understand your anger, your disappointment and your saddness. Almost 27 years ago, I had a child die shortly after birth. I blamed everyone, but mostly myself I didn't talk to anyone... you know... strong, can handle anything and everything. This forum and the sisters that visit here gave me the strength to give my feelings a voice. It's ok to grieve. You need to , so you can get on with the buisness of loving and caring for your family. If you do a search, there was a sister who wrote a letter to her unborn child. I've always wondered if it helped in her journey of finding peace. It helped me, and that is what this web site is all about...woman helping woman. Do what you need to do to get through this. We're here always with lots of 's.

Karlene

Beanlet, you are NOT alone. There are many on this website who feel as you do. I had twins almost 22 years ago and lost one of them(stillborn). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what he would have been like. Would he have been like his twin brother....smart, love sports, be kind and gentle. Or would have been more like his older sister....smart, very outgoing and competitive. Or would he have been a combination of the two or nothing like them at all. You see, we all wonder what would have been, but you can't live like that. It eats you alive! There is a missing person in my family photo but I don't dwell on it any more. I can't! And to add to all of this, I NEVER even saw my son. So what I am trying to say to you is this.......grieve if you must, explore your feelings, talk to a professional if you need to, but don't miss out on enjoying what you DO have. You have 3 beautiful kids and a wonderful husband which is much more than alot of women. Realize that your health would have been in jeopardy if you continued on. Things happen for a reason even if we don't know why. I wish you much luck with your surgery and I pray that you find inner peace in any way you can.


Emily s