Teenager Breaking My Heart

I need to talk about my son and I really don't have anyone to talk to. Had a TAH/BSO a year ago, and I would cheerfully go through it again FIVE times rather that be going through situation with son.

HE will be 18 in August and some have said pack his bags on his birthday and tell him to leave. I don't think I can do that, but I have threatened. If we kick him out, he will probably drop out of school.

HE should be a senior next year. But for the last year, he has not been doing his school work. Could be an A student but doesn't care.

Found marijuana in his room, tried to get him to go to treatment, won't go.

Stole a (one) beer with friends at convience store, almost got arrested.

Wants us to put him on our insurance so he can get a car (would need our help), but we won't do it.

Had a bad scene tonight because he couldn't understand why we wouldn't let him walk 2 miles down a narrow road with no sidewalk at 11:00pm to spend the night with a friend we don't know.

We told him he could go if one of us dropped him off and he called so we would have the phone number on the caller ID, and we could make sure there was an adult there.

He decided to stay home because he didn't want to be driven over there. Thought we were being unreasonable.

The worst part of this has been going on since Christmas. I can count on one hand the number of full nights of sleep I've had. I've developed ringing in my ears, blood pressure problems (never had before), and now have hot flashes all night and day because DR took me off of Premarin in a last resort to try to control my triglycerides.

Quit taking my depression med (Wellbutrin) because that can cause ringing in ears.

That's only some of the things going on. I know some of you have worse problems, but this is all about to kill me.

Thanks sisters

Dear Doggy,

I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. And we all thought our own adolesence was hard. I can understand why you are feeling the way you do. It's kinda like reliving your own young adult years, only with the benefit of actually knowing a thing or two, but having absolutely no control over what happens. Does that sound about right?

I think you are being very reasonable, however. Remember, it's a kid's job to push the limits and you can't always feel good about having to say no. It sounds like your son may need a little direction or incentive to be responsible. I always tell my daughter that if she wants to be trusted to do the things that responsible, mature, young adults do, then she is going to have to show me that she IS responsible is other ways. I give her jobs to do around the house and tell her what type of behavior is expected from her. I tell her that when she is able to perform these jobs and act accordingly she will be rewarded with my trust that she can handle certain desireable responsibilities (like unsupervised time with friends, use of the car, whatever ) I tell her that she needs to act like a responsible young lady without being told and on a regular basis. The more responsible she becomes, the more freedom I am willing to give. I remind her that she is the only person that is responsible for living her life, that it is her responsibility to grow up and be independent and that she needs to value the importance of that responsibility. I tell her that her body is like a car and that she needs to be responsible because no one else can drive it for her.

I guess, in your situation, I might sit down and write down the things that are important to you as far as what you expect from your son. After you have done that, and be reasonable about it, after all he is a young adult, talk to him. Tell him you have decided to lay down some ground rules. Tell him you feel like things are getting out of hand. Tell him that you realize he would like more responsibility to do more things and that this is what it is going to take. Tell him he needs to graduate or get his GED certificate this year. Tell him that after he graduates, you expect him to get a full time job if he is not going to college. Tell him that if doesn't plan on graduating, that he need to start looking for one now. Tell him you don't plan on supporting him. Tell him that he is a young adult now and that he ought to be able to begin supporting himself. Tell him that as long as he lives under your roof that he is required to perform/act a certain way and that he is more than welcome to find other living arrangements after he turns 18 if he doesn't like yours. That is being reasonable and responsible. Put the ball in his court and let him decide what to do. But most of all DON'T BACK DOWN, it is so easy, I know, but if you want to be taken seriously, you've got to mean it!

Now, the difficult part is telling him all of this and still getting across the fact that you love him with all your heart. It is so hard. I wish you luck. These are just my ideas and what I would probably do. Hugs!

val

Good luck, whatever you decide, I on your side.

val

to you sweetie,
You got some very good advice here. My two boys are grown, 28 and 25 and I remember well those teenage years. I have to agree with the stand you took with him. No supervision.... you stay home. What good would kicking him out do? At this point, you still have some degree of control. If he was not home, you wouldn't have any. Believe me, someday he will see that all the "rules" are because you love him. My youngest joined the Marine Corps out of high school. During boot camp, we recieved a letter from him telling us how much he appreciated us and finally realized that the limits we set were because of our love for him.
The drug use??? Check with your local police dept. to see if they have a program that that helps the kids not only see the dangers to their health, but also what the consequences are of breaking the law. Let him know that you will not shield him from the law. My DH is a police officer. One of the main problems they face is our young ones have no respect for authority. If he makes his bed, he needs to lay in it! Hard? Yes.... but it's what makes them learn.
I will keep you in my I know the stress can be unbearable. Also, check with your dr. on your anti depressent. There are many good ones out there. If one doesn't work, try another. Karlene

Hi

Wow, is your post deja vu all over again for me!! I have three kids and the youngest is just 3 1/2 years younger than the oldest. They are all grown now, but can you imagine what the teen years (I thought they would never end!!) were like at our house??

I definitely agree with Val's advice. And I also understand that it doesn't always work. My son ended up getting kicked out because he just absolutely refused to follow the rules of the house. He ended up in a group home as a teenager. Broke my We still worked really hard with him but those were difficult times for all of us.

I know the fear of losing your child, or at least of him drowning rather than swimming, if you put your foot down. But you can only do what you can do. It's important to be clear about what you want, make it stick and don't back down. Try not to let this upset you. (I know, I know.) The more matter-of-fact you can be the less your son will have to fight against. He will be forced to see himself instead of being able to blame you for his behavior. And let's face it - you don't have a lot of influence at this stage. Just trust that what you've done in the past will give him strength, be a good role model for him now, and let him go when the time comes. People differ on this, but we always had an open door policy for our kids if they followed the rules. There have been lots of back and forths at our house. But wayward son came home and didn't follow the rules and got turfed again. That was the end of that.

You must know that you are a member of a big club - parents of teenagers have a lot in common!!

Dear Doggy,

Type the phrase TOUGH LOVE into any search engine, and you will find lots of info & support. You may be able to find a local group...

Don't give up.

Signed,
Mom of 2 teens

I remember my 3 sons teenage years all too well. I spent many nights crying and praying to God to give me wisdom to get them and us through this difficult transition to adulthood. My husband used to say, "Lord, I know my kids are going to do something great, please make it legal." I won't begin to tell you what to do because every child is different. One of ours didn't grow up until we told him these are the rules in this house, if you don't like them, there's the door. He left. I cried. He now is 27, married and has a beautiful daugher and we have a great relationship. Our middle recently moved home as he is going through a divorce. He is 25, but I think he will be ok, he's a great guy, very kind and tender hearted. The youngest is 21 and still learning life's lessons and trying to find himself. Good luck with your son, hang in there.

I swear I could have written this post myself. That is our exact situation. My step son (who I have raised as my own since he was 1 1/2 years old) is 17. He has always been a "spirited" child to say the least. To say he is an underachiever is an under statement! He should be a Junior this year, but has been doing so poorly that he is currently considered a sophomore. He is in real jeopardy of failing this year too. We have tried every approach to get him to do his work, but he just won't do it consistantly. We have finally just decided to let him make his bed and lie in it. He will eventually have noone to blame but himself (although I am sure he will find a way to blame us).
When you used the word UNREASONABLE I just about fell out of my chair!! That is exactly what my son says when he doesn't get his way. We are being "unreasonable"!! My son also wants us to do everything for him. He thinks he can get someone to finance him a car (a sports car etc.) since we won't do it. But he is currently having no luck with that. I have told him numerous times that he is welcome to live here as long as he goes to college, but he will still have to get a job and pay for his college etc. If he doesn't go to college then he can stay here long enough to save for his own place, but I refuse to support him once he is 18. He will still have to pay rent etc. if he stays here and he will have to abide by our rules. I imagine that at 18 he will be finding a new place to live as he will not tolerate being told what to do anymore. That is fine with me. I just pray that eventually he will grow to realize that we are only looking out for his best interests.
I have spent many years beating myself up because he made me feel like I was a failure. He made me feel like it was all me. It wasn't until he went to live with his bio-mom 2 years ago that I realized that it was him. He pulled the same stuff over there and his mother finally realized the same thing, it wasn't us.
He came back home last summer and our house has not been the same since. I love him and want the best for him, but I refuse to enable him to be irresponsible. He will learn the consequences on his own and will have to live with them. If that is being heartless, then I am just that. If he does something illegal, he will pay the consequences. We will not bail him out of jail or pay any fines for him. He will have to do it himself.
We also have the same rules you do about not letting him go to someone's house if we don't know them. I wouldn't let him walk 2 miles in the dark either. The fact that he decided to stay home makes me think there was more to that story than he was telling you. I think you might have called his bluff!!

I don't have any real advise for you as I am in the same situation, but I hope it helps to know that you are definately not alone in this. Just take it one day at a time. Also you should see your doctor about getting on something else. I currently take prozac and wellbutrin together. The prozac is for the mood swings (and definately helps keep me sane in dealing with my son) and the wellbutrin is more for preventing depression. There are lots of other antidepressants out there, you should not go without one through this difficult time.

's,
Pamela

P.S. I also have 2 teenage daughters (one step daughter who is the sister to my step son) and so far they are alot easier. At least I can relate to them better and they understand where I am coming from. It helps me to see that most of my son's problems are his own fault and not a result of bad parenting. My daughters at 16 and 13. We also have 3 year old twins, so we are going to be in this situation for a LONG time to come!!!

Just wanted to add here that one of the best things I did for myself during my kids' teen years was to get myself a therapist. To this day I continue to call on a therapist on occasion to help me sort out what I really want to do when it comes to my kids. It's helped me feel strong and empowered and also helped me grow so that I really am a role model for my kids. One of the things I've learned that's helped the most is that actions really do speak louder than words. I am now beginning to reap the benefits, although I swear, kids will always be kids in relation to their parents, at least to some degree.

In reading your post, I started crying. As the other posters were saying "i can identify", but I can identify with your son. When I was 14, I sarted running around with the wrong crowd, smoking pot, drinking, skipping school and being disrespectiful to my mom. It only got worse as I got older. Harder drugs, running away, dropping out of school, committing crimes, having sex, getting preganat by the time I was 15. My point is that when I was 16, I got up one day around noon (partied pretty late that night) and my mom had taken my house keys and told me I had 5 minutes to get everything I needed and I was not to return. This house was no longer my home. I was shocked! I never really expected she would do that. I packed a bag and left. After 3 weeks of staying here and there, having no money, getting pretty hungry, I called home. My mom said she would meet me somewhere for a meeting so we could talk, but I wasn't welcome home. We met, we talked, I promised, and she let me come home. I got a job, then my GED, then went to trade school and got my life back together. I don't think I would have done that if my mom would not have made me face reality. She did me a favor that day even though I did not see it that way at the time. I know it killed her to do that. Since I was 5 years old, it had always been just the two of us. I am greatful. When I graduate college this year, I'm 37, I know that she will be right up front cheering the loudest. She is my guardian angel and my biggest fan. I hope this helps.
Heather

Dearest Heather,

What a hearwarming story. I am so glad you made it or are making it. I gave my folks a lot of sleepless nights too when I was growing up although my path took me in a different direction. I think being a female made a little difference. I ended up in a very abusive relationship. One where when I finally decided I had enough, I had to secretly unload all the guns in the house and hide them BEFORE I told my boyfriend I was leaving. That was scary. But it taught me a lesson..... one I have never forgotten. I was lucky, after I left my boyfriend, my parents allowed me to move back home (with the understanding I would never have contact with him again). To this day, I still have nightmares about that time of my life. I thank God and my parents as much as possible for always trying to guide me in the right direction. My leaving home was a bad decision on my part, not my parents....... a lesson I had to learn the hard way, unfortunately!