emotions/ cancer head

Maybe I am just nervous about getting my full scan results at the doctors on Wednesday. Many people struggling with cancer tell me that have felt anger at times, but
I have not felt anger. Perhaps it is just my nature, because while I struggle with depression I have seldom felt anger in my life, except when I have witnessed cruelty. Someone told me that depression is just anger turned inwards so maybe those who are able to vent anger in a positive way are better off. I am very thankful for my life and to be ( hopefully still) NED at this time, because my prognosis last November was so bad, but I am afraid of the cancer coming back and depressed about how life has changed. I feel guilty for having these feelings. My husband says it is a new chapter in our lives and we must move on. Our pastor, who is a close friend preached about my miraculous healing in his Easter homily yesterday like I was Lazarus raised from the dead. I am trying to forge ahead, but if this is a new chapter I am afraid to read it. It's 5 1/2 weeks since chemo and I still have no hair or eyebrows, have a colostomy, leak urine, and sex is too painful ( emotionally and physically) to consider. I feel like the Doctors office has me on a leash and my Dr. is negative, which makes my husband worry and trying to keep them positive drains me. My Catholic faith is strong and I trust God's plan for me. I know if I keep my heart fixed on Him He will feep my heart able to love, my hands to serve, but it is hard sometimes.

Since we're all different, with different circumstances, I don't think anyone can fully understand or appreciate anyone else's experience. But you DO have cancerhead--I do too and did all along from first NED until recurrence and now I'm back to the "oh, is it back?" stage. Very normal. Yes, life has changed--I think it's Karenann who refers to BC (before cancer) and AC (after cancer) and that line between them is very sharp. To me it was "bang" and my world as it had been blew up. I've been seeing a therapist since last year before the recurrence when I was in this "limbo" time and really lost. Drs. will keep you on a short leash for a while (I've never gone to the classic 3 months--always two at the most) but if he's negative, can you find another one who can be factual but not so negative about things? My first oncologist was very negative, and it dragged me down even more. With a change to a different doctor that's been relieved somewhat. Don't know what else to say--it's a tough position to be in. One thing--one of these days your eyelashes and eyebrows will sprout and while it can seem forever at first, bang--give it a few months and you'll have hair too. Just know we've all been close to you with all thse feelings and concerns.

s Debbie

You have been through sooo much in a relatively short period of time. Let alone the body altering procedures. And you have made an amazing adjustment all in all. I remember your postings at the beginning of your journey and you have come a long way dear Debbie
Emotionally we are all so different. I too have heard that depression is anger turned inward. But who really knows. You certainly have reason to be depressed. I too have never been angry, so you are not alone there.
Sometimes life has a way of catching up to us after the battle.
We are strong and seem to charge ahead when that is what we need to do. And then when the battle is over, we tend to relax and things have a way of catching up emotionally.
I have been fortunate in my ability to take each three month checkup and absolutely make the most of each three months.
I do find I don't think about things too far out in the future.
My worst time is from the day testing is done until I receive results. I kinda live in my own little space for these days. And to be honest, I always try and be prepared for some bad news. But so far so good.
I'll bet if you get good news on Wednesday, you will find you feel alot better.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you. In my eyes you are one of the heros on this site. I am not surprised your pastor used you as the example. You are quite special.

karenann

{{Debbie}},
You and your family have come through so much. You are truely an inspiration on this site and that's saying a lot.

I hate the cancerhead. Sometimes it's been more debilitating than the cancer - it freezes me in my tracks. I have this colonoscopy on Friday. My DH and I want to spend a weekend in June in Baltimore to enjoy the Inner Harbor and see an Orioles game. I won't even make the arrangements until after the colonoscopy. What if there's cancer and I have to schedule surgery and treatments???? Absolutely ludicrous.

You're doing great. Hang in there. And....remember...we'll always be here for you.
Laura

Debbie-
I completed my chemo last week in Jan. My eye brows came back 3 weeks ago. My hair is just soft stuff with my bald scalp showing though. Hair grows slow, but will come back.

I understand cancer head. Last week I had a sinus infection (have had them before). I thought at 1st I might have mets to the brain!. I also never got angry with my cancer. I think of it as a challenge. I like Karenann's BC & AC markings.

Take care. Hope your tests are all normal. I face mine in 3 weeks.

Ruth S

I know how you feel, it is hard sometimes, and I think it's great that there is this site to share. As you may remember I had "cancerhead" not to long ago, it has a way of depressing you even further. It is so hard not to think about it when it slaps you in the face, but I know you can get past this. Just writing it down to us probably helped some, I know it did for me.

I'm sorry, I can't tell you something witty to make it go away. but...
Just keep the faith, and move forward, this too will pass.

's and ers to you!

I think I will always be unsure if my cancer is gone. I never had any symptoms, and all diagnostic tests were negative. Maybe I should have an abdominal zipper put in so that the drs. can have a quick look every six months or so!

My prayers are with you.