Very unexpected feelings lately

Well, hello all, I hardly post but do check in monthly. I am almost thirteen months post op and physically doing fine. Mentally, well not so good. I promised myself that I would not do this. I would never feel sorry for myself. After my surgery I decided to choose to focus on how I will not let the fact of my inability to carry a child hinder my resolve and focus of going forward with surrogacy and or adoption. So far I have been doing very well, especially with the help of my wonderful boyfriend. Yet lately, it just seems that all my friends are pregnant. Everyone is having a baby. Or just had a baby. I am doing my best to not let my own situation effect the happiness of the normal process, experiences and happiness that they are all going through. Yet every so often, I just get so angry, so sad, depressed, and just start crying. I have been trying to stay strong. Trying so hard and I can't do it anymore. When I hear of one's, minor complication with a pregnancy I get jealous and think, how lucky they are to be pregnant and then I get angry with my self for having these negative feelings in my mind about long time friends. No one is being insensitive to me. They are just going about their pregnancy normally. It is only lately that I have been having these feelings. For the past year I really thought that I was doing so well in dealing with this. In fact I was so shocked at how well I have beendoing that no one ever asks me any more. I know that everyone loves me and supports me and I am not blaming them for not always asking me how I feel about my inability to have children of my own. I feel as though I am suddenly feeling so sorry for myself and am now on unfamiliar ground and don't no what to do. I am thankfull to have you all here to write this letter to. Thanks so much for listening.

KK

Hysterectomy April 2002

Hi KK sometimes, for some of us, when this surgery happens, it is so big and all-consuming that all of our emotional energy is directed towards making sure we make it through the procedure and recovery... it is really quite a big thing for anyone to deal with. When, somewhere down the road, we are far enough away from the surgery itself and recovering well so that we can start to 'let our guard down', feelings can start to come out that were pushed aside as we were coping with the big physical issues of surgery and recovery.

I think it's perfectly understandable that now that you're a year post op, you're feeling good enough physically that you can start to focus more attention on sorting out your feelings about this surgery. It's an emotional surgery for anyone, even those of us who have already finished having our children. I'd encourage you to let yourself feel what you're feeling for a bit, and do exactly what you're doing... confide in the ladies here who can understand better than anyone what you're going through.

Hopefully, allowing yourself some space to have these feelings will let you slowly become able to put them into a box in the corner of your mind and make room for new thoughts and feelings about how you're going to go forward from here. You can still make your dreams of having a family come true, just in different ways than you had anticipated. I know you'll be able to do it!
s,
-Linda

Hi KK

I'm sorry you are feeling so down----and I think what you are feeling is very common for most of us who have had a hysterectomy. Regardless if we have had children or not, there is a grieving cycle that goes along with losing a part of ourselves---a part that is so connected to mothering and nurturing, and this surgery is so final.

About a year ago, another sister shared these words, and they have stuck with me:

"I think the loss is about what we've already known and what might still have been. It is a connection to our sisterhood as women - to our mothers and to our grandmothers and to the continuation of a legacy of nurturing and creating life. We still have a million other things to offer, but nonetheless, there is still a sense of loss."

I really do not believe there is any "right" or "wrong" time to be going through this-----as Linda said, often times these feelings are pushed down, and surprise us when they surface.
Allow yourself to have these feelings and know that you are not alone.

In the future, whether thru adoption or surrocacy, your love will be a treasure to a very lucky child.

's

I am sorry you feel so blue

I can relate to you because my younger sister is currently pregnant with her first baby and all I ever hear about is baby baby baby from my family. Although I had never intended to have another child myself, I am already mourning the soon to be loss of my uterus and having a tough time dealing with it.
I am finding it very hard to be happy and supportive of her, then I feel horrible guilt because I want to be able to be there for her and its so hard.
Take it one day at a time. My thoughts are with you sweetie.

s

KK,

I know where you are at although I am only six weeks out on my surgery, I have had problems for years and two miscarriages and no kids. I have not even been able to take care of myself for the past year, and I am like you - I have tried to never feel sorry for myself. When people see I have no kids at 35, some of them even assume it is by choice and say "good for you" . I don't see what is good because it is heart-breaking. The positive is that I think that I can make a difference in a child's life without actually giving birth. I am fortunate to have a part-time stepdaughter(she only lives with us during the summer and a weekend every once and a while) I have nieces and nephews who I try to go to their ballgames, etc. My DH and I are talking about either foster-parenting or adoption if we can afford it.(when I get recovered and feel better)

I know that not having children will always hurt a little but I want to pick myself up and go on and try to live the life I was meant to -I believe God has a plan for all of us and who knows if I can adopt or have a foster child - it might be the most important thing I ever do!!!!! Even if I don't get to fill the mother role for someone, I am going to try to do something to make this world a little better, whether it is being a good wife, friend or whatever.

I am sorry you are so sad and struggling - We all have to stick together! I am so glad this website is here so we can all talk to each other and help each other. Don't feel bad or think you don't have a right to your feelings!

What you all have said has truly made a difference. I am feeling much better and having a better day. I think I need to stay in touch with hyster sisters a bit more often. I don't feel so alone when I am consistently on here reading and sharing with you all. I do not wish our situations on anyone, yet to know I am not alone is comforting. The understanding you get from hyster sisters is like no other. Certain times are more difficult than I anticipated and hit me without warning. I know I will get through them. My focus just gets sidetracked every once in a while. I will post more often. Thanks for your support. Once again, I am truly truly thankful.

KK

TVH 4/4/002

	Quote:
Originally posted by kksim After my surgery I decided to choose to focus on how I will not let the fact of my inability to carry a child hinder my resolve and focus of going forward with surrogacy and or adoption.

Dear KK,

I hope you are able to stay on track for your goal, which is to become a MOM. Pregnancy is such a tiny part of becoming a parent. The real goal is to have a child in your arms.

I have two daughters, one adopted and one homemade, and they are both *my own*. I met a gal at hystersisters 3 years ago (we have since met a few times in real life!) who went on to become a mom of twin girls from China. I sent her a poem that said in part *the first time my angel(s) smiled at me, I gave away my heart.* (Pardon me while I sniffle )

Our oldest daughter came to us thru the county social services (the foster-adopt program). The cost was very minimal, and she was 11 months old & healthy. Don't give up on your dream

I am sending huge cyberhugs,

Hi KK,
I saw your post and boy can I relate!! I do have a natural child (16 months old) but I had planned on having a lot more!!

Have you explored the surragacy idea?? I'm just beginning to discuss (or should I say talk my hubby into it) gestational surrogacy with my hubby. I'd love to talk to you about surrogacy and compare notes.

Surrogacy seems like such a strange idea...I'd love to chat and get your feelings. JILL SUE