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kim308pl's Journal
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rectocele and Cystocele 12-08-2006 - 07:42 AM
IS BACK...yes you read that correctly, it is back and so is my pelvic pain. Sucks really. I am so tired of all of this. I was suppose to start a new job in Jan as a medical assistant in an assisted living home...but now I can't...OBGYN says NO WAY.

But before he puts me through that surgery again, he is doing a uro dynamic study..I have an appt today, Monday, Tuesday (Boob Check), and Wed...then on the 20th he is doing a cysto and something caleld Tegress injections.

I am so literally bummed..I cried all day yesterday...geesh there is a point when a person has had too much and I have had too much. Anyway sitting here drying to get 32 - 64 ounces of water down me...so I can do my first test today. Wanted to give everyone an update.
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Had the job...don't have the job 10-19-2006 - 08:43 AM
Well as in my last entry, I has taken a paper route, one day a week and would make some nice money. I started yesterday and I quit last night. very sad. I can't do it. There was too much physical stuff that I can't do. It took about 7 hours from getting papers, to rolling them, to throwing them. My pelvic hurt from standing up so long rolling,then it hurt for sitting too long in one place whiel I was driving. My wrist hurt form rolling (carpal tunnel) and by the time I got home, by body was litterally yelling at me. I think if it could talk, it would have been cursing me. Plain and Simple. So after much discussion with my husband and mother and mother in law...I have decided that I just can't do it. I can do the things I used to and that is upsetting.

My hysterectomy changed my life and ya know, the pelvic pain was not that bad, it got bad, it might have been bad some months and some months nothing, or it would always be really bad during ovulation (something I miss) and my periods (something else I actually sometimes miss), not sure why I miss those, but I do, and that is odd because the periods were awful, very heavy, crime scene nights, I would where depends, and 2 pads on top of each other if I went anywhere. That part I don't miss.

But now my pelvic pain is always there...ALWAYS, it nevers goes away and it can be caused my exercising, walking, standing, sitting, sex, anything can cause it. It was not this way before my hyst, so why did that change. I was told the hyst would get rid of my pelvic NOT make it worse!

My new dr, said I had myofacial pain syndrome and that my pelvic paid was actually refferred pain from the MPS, and that, that was probably the problem the entire time and that I probably did not need the hyst.

As far as the conference, still not sure what I am gonna do, I imagine I will not be able to make the ride, and then sit at the conference all day the next day and then make the ride home the next day..too bad I can't fly. And well after we pay bills we will only have 65.00 to last us 2 weeks. The week of the conference in our off payday week, so we would not have the money for gas or food. So that has pretty much been decided. I am going to see if we can do one of three thigns. The lady told me it was important to be there, but that she would understand. Two members of the panel, has already had to back out and that it does not look good, it puts out a sign that maybe this is not important. I do want to go and I would, I had made up my mind, I would go, but the money issue came in. So I am gonna see if we can do one of three things:

1. See if I can write a speech as well as my paper that I wrote for school and see if she will read it.

2. See if there is a way I can attend by phone, when it is my time to speak, let me do it from home on the phone.

3. See if there is a way I can do it via video conferencing, that was I can bee seen as I speak.

I am not sure if any of these can be done or if she will agree to any of them, but that would make them look better, knowing that I was unable to attend, but still wanted to do this.

Personally I like the idea of phone or viedo conferencing, but not sure if this can be done, but will ask.
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To go or not to go...that is the question 10-17-2006 - 10:18 PM
As many of you know, I am a suppose to be a speaker at the National HERS Foundation Conference, that is being held the last weekend in October in Nashville. Well I spoke with the lady today and told her I was not sure if I would be able to make it.

My pelvic pain is back and I am not sure I can make the 8 hour ride it will take to get us there. They are paying for the hotel for Friday and Sat night for me, my husband and 2 boys.

But I am scared. I thought I would be okay, but I am scared. Scared of the ride, scared I will hurt, scared of speaking, but yet I want to get my story out there and the only way I will be able to do that would be to go and speak.

Tell my story, to whoever will listen. Jeff thinks I should go, that it might help me, I just am not sure. We are having money problems so that plays an issue, I have my health to where I never know if I can do anything from one moment to the next...let alone one day to the next. I just do not know what to do. I am suppose to call on friday to let her know.

On another note, I got a job. It is doing something I love. I will be delivering papers one day a week. Me and my oldest son will be doing it. We have 3200 papers. We have to roll them and throw them. The pay...984.00 per month..for one day a week. I used to deliver papers about 6 years ago, I did it for 10 years, it was a daily paper and I loved it, so I am starting tomorrow..wish me luck.

I am still going to continue working from home as well, although I must admit that i have not been doing so well. I am so depressed it is hard to make myself go to work...when it is at home. Hopefully this paper route will get me back in the swing of things.

School started back this month and I am having a hard time adjusting. I took the term off for the surgery and it is just hard to get back in the swing of things. Oh well. It is late I am must try and try hard to get the sleep that seems to elude me.

I do think I am going to have to go to the Dr. I have had this headache for a little over a week now..ever since an incident happened. but that will be for another entry.
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Life and the pursuit of Happiness 10-14-2006 - 10:40 PM
Happiness..What is that word and where can you find Happiness.

Well you can find it everywhere. In your children's smiles, their eyes, their I love yous. You can find it in your spouse, you can find it everywhere, but if you can find it everywhere, then how come it is so hard for some people to find.

For me it is hard. I mean yeah I smile and get all warm inside when my kids say I love you. same with my husband, but that happiness seems to last only moments.

It's been a while since I have written here and I decide to do it now when I should be sleeping.

The first thing is I am so glad I had the breast reduction, this was the best thing I have ever done for myself. The new me is cool. I can do things I have not been able to do for ages even though I still hurt in the pelvic area, but I CAN RUN AGAIN. It is great. I went from a 50H to right now a 38C and the cups are a little big on me. There are so many little things that about my breasts and how they got in the way, that I never realized until after they were gone.

I will write more later, hubby telling me it is time for bed.
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The world as lost an ICON 09-04-2006 - 09:02 AM
This is the way I feel. Steve Irwin...known as The Crocidile Hunter...died Monday Sept 4 around 11 am in Queensland, I believe in Africa. He got hit by a stingray. According to the reports, Steve was swimming a bit too close (although did not to provoke the stingray) but the stingray must have felt threateded.. It struck him in the chest, and pierced either his lungs or heart. He died doing what he loves. But he will be missed. I loved watcing him...he owuld make me feel excited, scared, nervous but I loved him. This is a sad day for many...as I know there are many that let him come into their homes at night. He is survived by Wife Terri, Daughter Bindi and son Bob...
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I am in so much Pain 08-17-2006 - 03:57 PM
OMG..as the day progressed so has the pain...It is hurting alot more..to the point of being in tears...Jeff has gone to school and I have the kids and they are getting on my nerves real fast. My mom and dad will not be here for another hour and I think that will just make things worse as Derrick shows out for them. Not sure how I am gonna get through the next 4 hours. Jeff goes back to work tomorrow, but that will nto be so bad and it will be me and JJ (14 yr old) and he will be able to help me with most things. BUt right now I am miserable, in pain and in tears.
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Prayers Please 08-17-2006 - 12:48 PM
In all my stuff going on I forgot to mention that I would like prayers. My mother in law...you know how close I am too her. Well her brother (who just turned 40 this past Sunday) had to have heart valve replacement surgery on aug 10. While in surgery there were compications and they had to open his chest. There have been several complicatiosn since then and I think he had had about 5 surgeries now. At one point we had to go up there cause things did not look to good. Then he got better. This has beent he case since surgery...gets wrose, then better, up and down... Monday night she had to call us in the middle of the night cause they had to take him back into surgery.


He has been heavily sedated since Aug 10, on a breathing maching and some other devices. He was doing better but last night he started to run a fever, so there are tyring to find the source of infection. His kidneys are nor draining fluid like they should and there are going to start dialysis today and he had fluid on the lungs..so he is not out of the woods yet..

please keep him and my family in your prayers..
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Just things 08-17-2006 - 12:44 PM
I am so glad I came back. I want to journal and it hurts my wrist so bad to write and right now it hurts my boobs to write...lol. I could jsut do it in word but there is a snese of not being so alone here.

Ok So I am so wanting to see my boobs and at the same time I am so not wanting to see them...lol. I need to change the dressings and am hesitant due to being a little afriad to look at them. How can you want to look at something yet at the same time not want to look at something.

The pain is getting a little worse, but manageable and I think it is partly due to my swelling as well. My mouth really hurts to eat from the gash they gave me in there..darn them. And as we all know that for a few days after anesthesia your mouth is dry and NOTHING tastes good.

I think I am going to go with Jeff to pick up Derrick cause I want to go by the store to pick up a few things. I feel bad asking Jeff to go yet again. Just worried about the car ride. And at the same time...Jeff would try to get what I ask, but will have no idea...I want some canned fruit and the last time I sent him to buy peaches he called me several times wanting to know if I wanted them in light syrup heavey syrup and all this..so I would rather go myself.Hopefully it wil not be too bad.

The smoking or lack of is not goingt o well. I tend to smoke when I am bored or in pain and well I am both. So hopefully this will get better I really want to quit.

I want you to know that the pain I had from my LAVH was way mroe worse than the pain I have now..imagine that. These cuts are huge...they go from the bottom of my breast from one side to the next and them up..kinda looks like a keyhole...and yet the pain is not near as bad..WOW..

Derrick is amazed with my drainage tubes..he calls them bloods..and says mommy you have 2 bloods...imgaine a 4 yr old being interested in that and not scared..he keeps wanting to look at them and he is being so sweet, he wants hugs and kiises and is being so gentle. Did I mention he started school this year. Was not sure if I mentioned that or not but he started pre-k..my little baby is growing up. He is funny and kids really do say the darnest things. He kept telling everyone that mommy was getting her boobs cut off...lol and then on Tuesday he saw the markings and my best friend, his wife and him lives next door, well he came over to check on me and see how my nerves were since Jeff was at school and Derrick said..mommy show Donnie your boobs..we could have died. Of course he did not get to see them, but his wife did...LOL
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I am home 08-17-2006 - 06:57 AM
Whoo Hooo.. I did it..I actually did... After trying, making appointsment, scheduling the surgeries and having things come up to where I had to cancel them and 6 years later I am finally done with this. I can't believe it actually happened. My surgery was yesterday Aug 16. It lasted about 4 hours and there were no problems. He took 745 grams for the leftie and 625 grams from the rightie. I did have a FNG. Right now it looks as if they are way too small, but I think that is beacuse my stomach is bloated and with all the gauze, the surgical bra, drains and **** on..well if you get my drift.

I am still smoking...trying really hard to stop, but having a hard time stopping.. I am trying to limit myself. I got home yesterday around 5 pm EST and laid around and walked. I walked alot...it seemed to feel better when I was up walking rather than laying down. I am not in too much pain. I am more pain with my hysterectomy and A&P repairs than this. I had one dose of pain meds in Recovery and took one pain pill after I got home due to the ride home..OUCH. This morning they seem to be a litle more sore. My biggest problems are going to the bathroon (wiping..lol) and sleeping... I am not a back person and well I slept reclined with pillows on the sides and it was just hard to sleep like that. I have drains in and will have them until Monday... I hope he takes them out then. Let's see...I was bleeding when I left the hospital..they said oozing where the drain was at and in a couple of spots. I am not sure how much or less they should be draining. The nurse drained them at 1 pm and it was 15 cc for both of them. Then I drained them last night before bed about 10 and it was 25 cc for both, this morning I have not drained them yet, but it does not look like much...probably around 15 cc's. He told me to drain them every 4 - 6 hours. I have a bad sore throat and who ever put the breathing tube in, somehow gashed my gum on the side under my tongue and it hurts bad.. I showed the nurse and she agrres that Anthesia did it, cause there was no way I could have done it and I told her I did not have it when I got there.

When I am not as sore and can type more I will tell you all about my fit I threw in the recovery room. Hopefully I can tell that soon.

well the pain is actually getting a little worse so I am going to take a pain pill and drink my coffee.

Moonchime.. Thanks for the update for me.
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fears 08-15-2006 - 10:31 PM
My thing about surgeries all comes for the (insert your own word here) who messed me up after my hystertectomy. I now hate going to Drs I really do not know and have them perform surgery on me. I mean I went to that Dr and trusted her and then she totally messes me up and neglects me. This has put a HUGE fear in me of surgeries...PERIOD!

I am trying to have faith and be positive but it is hard. I am so dang on scared. I am scared of the surgery, being put to sleep AGAIN, the pain, of all my surgeries I have never been cut open like this. My hyst was vaginally and all my other surgeries were Laps, so this is new for me. IT scares me. And I am afraid of how I will look. The questions like, What if I don't like them, what if they are still too big, what if I am too small, what if my DH does not like them. What if there are complications because I smoke (which I never could quit...grrr) just all these questions..

I should be going to bed soon as I swore to myself I would not smoke after midnight (usually I would smoke on the way to the hospital...not this time. I am also faced with a difficult decision and not sure what I will do and wish I would have posted this earlier so I could see if anyone replied with an opinion, but oh well.

Here is the deal...Normally he would not detach the mipple, he would keep it attached to the nerves and blood supply and do the procedure. With this there is a chance of loss of sensation, but the nipples look better.

NOw for smokers, since there is a healing issue, he usually does a FNG or free nipple graft. With this he wold completely detacht he nipples and then reatched like a skin graft. With this, I would have total loss of sensation most likely and then there is a chance that my nipples will not project out or be erect they would be flat. But the healing issue would not be of major concern. I am afraid of making the wrong decision. The PS said he would do whatever I wanted but I just don't know.
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Surgery tomorrow (Aug 16) 08-15-2006 - 04:14 PM
OK so my surgery is tomorrow. I had my pre ops today and I am nervous wreck. I am more scared of this surgery than my hyst...imagine that. I am very immpressed with this Dr. The consent form I had to sign was like 8 pages long and listed EVERYTHING that could happen from this type of surgery, it was NOT one of those generalized consent forms for all surgeries. I really like it as I wish I would have had this for my hyst.

He did the markings on me and man it looks wierd. I went and bought some button up shirts, since I will not be able to pull anything over my head.

He said he could not tell me what size I would be before surgery but probably drop about 2 - 3 cup sizes... I am scared I will be flat chested..LOL. No I think I have enough to go around.

I have to be there at 6:15 am est. And the hopsital is about 30 minutes away. We are not sure at this time if I will be staying the night or not it will depend on how everything goes. The surgery will last about 3-6 hours.

Wish me luck all and I will update as soon as I can. Moonchime if you are still around, you know how to get in touch with me and I will PM you so you can update.

Loves to all
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If you will have me 08-10-2006 - 10:27 PM
I think I am ready to come back, if you will have me.

I want to apologize to everyone here for my last entry, I have really been in a funk and I am sorry and love you all.

But I think I am ready to come back. I have missed the site and everyone here. And I found that writing in this journal has actually helped me...I never realized how much.

So let me start with something that have beenn going on since I last wrote. I finished up my term at school with a 4.0. I got a new job working from home as well and I love it...just have to still force myself to go to work. I still never feel well and I am tired all the time.

Derrick started pre-k and that was rough. I cried so much. My little one has gone and there will be no more little ones to come in...I look forward to grandchildren, yet I know that will be some time before that happens.

JJ is doing good. He is 14 and I am homeschooling and it is rewarding, challegeing and fun all at the same time.

I did take this next quarter off so I could take a break. I felt I needed a break from so many things and I will be having surgery next week and wanted to concentrate on recovering.

I am still having pelvic pain and my doctor and I have pretty much decided this will always be the case and will be just something that I will have to learn to deal and live with. This has depressed me, but I am managing and trying.

I am suppose to stop smoking tomorrow, so that will be intersting as well.

My surgery I am having is next week. I am very excited, and scared. I am finally having my Breast Reduction. I can't believe the day is almost here. It is on Wed, Aug 16.Whoo HOOO...I think...lol

I am worried about how I will look and the pain afterwards, but I can't imagine the pain will be as bad as the A and P repairs I can in 2005.

I will be posting more soon. It is late and my eyes are telling me it is time to sleep, but I will write more and let you know more about what has been going on, how I am doing and all that.

It is good to be back

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End of the road 05-31-2006 - 01:21 PM
This time as come for me to day goodbye, farewell. My 2 yr hysteraversary has come and gone and I do not feel any differently. I am at a horrible point in my life.

I don't belong here. I feel that everyone has become more stupid and more depressed by rading my journal. I can only offer negativty and tht is not good to anyone.

So I am here to say my goodbyes. Thank you to everyone who had been a friend to me, I am sorry that I could to be a better friend to you. Each of you deserve better and that is why I am leaving.

Moonchime, thank you for your wonderful gift. I adore it. I am sorry that I have not written to you to thank you but I don't feel like emailing, or anything, so again, just another part of my not being a friend.

So with this I say my last goodbyes.
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My mom called yesterday 05-04-2006 - 06:18 AM
well I did not know if I should call her or wait for her to call me. So I waited.

She called me to speak to Derrick. I said that is fine, but mom I think we need to talk. She told me she had nothing to talk about. I told her I wanted to explain some things to her, but she said she wanted to forget it ever happened and never bring it back up...WOW

So I said okay fine. I let her talk to Derrick and then we talked some more. About everything but that. She actually called me like 4 times that day.

So She is acting like nothing ever happend. Not sure what this quick turn a round was about, it was wierd. Normally she does nto do this. Are fights like this usually last for weeks...HMMM.

Oh well I will just accept things they way they are.
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UGH 05-02-2006 - 09:22 PM
ok...so I have messed up. Man. My mom and dad came over tonight. Somehow I knew they would cause she asked if Jeff would be home.

Normally, they would call before they come over, this time they did not, so that knda irked me as I was putting supper on the table. If I were known they were coming then I would have fixed enough for them. That is just the way I am.

SO then Derrick did as he always does when they are here, he ran around like a wild child. He would not eat and I gto aggravated at that.

So then we went outside and derrick was doing what he wanted to do without listening to me. My mom was watching and lettnig him do things. Then I looked over and he had taken his shoe off and was filling it full of water. That was after he got all in the mud, while my mom stood there and watched. This was the las draw. I was mad. This would make more work for me and I was in no mood. So I stood there pulling wet filthy clothes off of him, I told him sternly that he does not act like this when they are not around (referring to my parents), well I said it a little too loud and mom heard me and got all upset. Told Derrick to give her a hung cause she did not know when she would see him again and turned around and got in the car.

I felt bad, I feel bad. I feel like a complete idiot. I called her and she said that she could not talk she was talking to her sister. I told her I needed to talk to her and that I was sorry, I said something out of anger and did not mean to. She said I really hurt her feelings nad I told her I was sorry, but that is was normal for grandchildren to act different when they are around.

I then told her that she used to hurt my feelings all the time when JJ lived with her and I would come over and he would start acting up and she would tell me that he did not act like this when I was not there.

She said it was different and that she had to go..Click. I could tell she had been crying and I feel bad. I feel like an idiot. I am so stupid, I should have never said that.

Why do I do this. I mean I used to keep my mouth shut no matter what they said to me and now I am actually standing up and saying something and all I do his hurt people...

My life is driving me crazy.....
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on a roll today 05-02-2006 - 12:21 PM
Wow, I am on a roll today. 3 posts in one day...well at least I am getting emotions out...I have to or else I will scream...kick...yell...and make my headache worse. So I guess this is a good thing?

I don't understand my mom. I have never seen a mom like this and it is about to drive me crazy. My MIL is nothing like this, I mean we barely talk to hear, she might call us every other week to check on us, but that is about it.

My mom calls everyday, sometimes more than once and if I dare not call her till the end of the day, OMG I have committed an act of crime.

When she does call she only wants to talk about her grandchildren. Okay I am glad she loves them but geesh. She does not ask about me or what to hear anything. Ok being a parent I would agree that maybe it is hard to listen to your child talk about being sick and you feel helpless cause there is nothing you can do..I GET THAT! but she could at least listen or show an interest and not make me feel like all I once was a baby making machine.

Then she goes on about how I never come over. They live 30 mins away, the price of gas is astounding...75.00 a week for my husband and 35.00 a week for me...we can't afford to drive anywhere but where we drive too. Besides that I work, he works, I have school,. he has school and by the time everyone is done, I am jsut completely worn the slap out. She says she needs ot see her grandchildren and makes me feel bad. UGH!
She got mad cause we did not meet them and my other family at a resturaunt that was 50 minutes away from my house for Easter. I could/can not handle that kinda drive right now. I would not be good to anyone, I would be in pain and ill. I feel it is safer for me and everyone else to not have went, so I did not go. She did come over here, but gee they only stayed like 15 minutes, not much of a visit. That is all they stay when they come over.

So today, she started on me about Mother's day. Which reltaive is holding the gathering and what time. Well for one, I forgot about mother's day and scheduled to work. Then I remembered that I will get holiday pay. So that is a bonus, the day before that is the Air show here and I really want to go with my family. Derrick has never been to one and he loves planes, so I do not want to miss out. If I go to the air show, I will be in no shape to go anywhere the next day. I will be miserable (the joys of working from home) So I am gonna have to make a choice here. Miss out on something like the Air show with my 3 yr old who will only be 3 once so I can make it to my familiy gathering on sunday and cancel work, so I can honor my mother as she puts it. Or miss out on Mothers day and work/rest and go to the air show...

It is hard to decide. I have no idea what to do and I really do not think it is fair that my moms makes me feel like the poop on someones shoe.

Why does she have to call me several times aday to see how her gks are. Does she think I can't take care of them. Why everytime I tell her something my oldest did that he was not suppose to do, she ask's" Oh you did not get on to him did you" Uh hello, he was nto suppose to do this...Yes I did get on to him.

She gets mad cause we scold him when he eats chocolate behind are backs...ok he is not suppose to eat chocolate, he is allergic and it makes his asthma worse, what are we suppose to do, let him eat it and have an asthma attack.

She does not think he needs to pay us back for buying breakfast at school and making us spend 50.00 something a month on school food, when he also ate breakfast at home. And we told him at the beginning of the school year Do Not Eat Breakfast as school....Period.

I don't know. I know this has gotten long and I am rambling and my fingers and wrists now hurts, my headache is worse and I need to go print some things out from school, so I can add to the notebook, so I guess I will go...

Thanks for listening.
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Why or Why 05-02-2006 - 09:22 AM
Well I am here at work wondering why we have good days and bad and why it seems there are more bad days then good.

I do not feel well today, today is a bad day. I hurt all over. I have a headache (2 days in a row now) a stuffy/runny nose, sore throat and my pelvic hurts...WAAA

I am at least glad I finally got my laptop, so that I can do other while working. If you remember I work from home and I can't access the internet on my work computer while working, so now I can...

I am down today, just feel down. I hate it when I feel this way. And sometimes Jeff just does not understand. But he tries, so I have to give him credit.

Well I am going to find something to do. I am out of school until May 10, so I have no idea what I am gonna do for a week...LOL.

Take care,
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Bad News 05-02-2006 - 07:02 AM
It seems my mom tries to "protect me" so she does not tell me anything that goes on in the family. I really wish she wwould just tell me and not let me the last to know.

Or do something else other than say "I need to tell you something, but I am not cause you are so fragile" ok that just gets me mad and my curisosity (SP) up.

Anyway she finally told me a month after this happened. My cousin (not the one in jail all the time..lol, he is actually out of jail and has been for a while now) anyway his half brother. He had a bad life. He failed school, had adhd, was not goo in school at all. He barely graduated and was in trouble all the time. Among some personal probelms in his family.

Well a few years ago he announced that he was going in the service, we were all shoched. He did this all on his own, did not tell anyone. Took the tests and everything, then anounced he was going. We were so proud of him. During the 2-3 years he was there, he exceled. He became a handsome and wonderful Man, you could see the difference in him.

well about a month ago he went out with some of his buddies and they were going to be late, so they called their command leader and told him, he said that would be fine, no harm, no foul since they did call. But it did force a drug test. My cousin got busted on drugs. He had his hearing and he had 2 sentences to choose from, not sure what one was, but his lawyer told him to choose the one he chose. He had to spend 30 days in the brigade (did I spell that right) and got a general discharge from the service.

This does saddens me cause he was doing so well. Now him, my other cousin (his brother) and their mom and all living with my 88 yr old grandmother. UGH
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Celebration 05-01-2006 - 06:32 PM
Well through everything I have been in this term at school, Surgery, treatmetns, injections, pain...I can still pull through.

I got my final grades today and I am very very pleased with them. It just showed me they hey, I can do this, even through the agony.

So here is the run down.
1St term was in Aug - Nov 05
I had a 4.0 GPA and was on the Dean's list. I had a 95 in Academic strategies and a 96 in intro to management.

2nd Term Nov 05 - Feb 06
I had a 3.85 and was on the Dean's List, I has a 99 in writing and a 91 in Business law

and drum roll. (can you tell I am thrilled)
3rd term Feb - May 06
I had a 4.0 GPA and on the President's list.
I made a 94 in Algebra and (drum roll) a 100 avg, yes 100 in Software applications.

So my total GPA right now will be 3.95

I am so happy. I can't believe I got a 99 or a 100 in any class.

Anyway I had to share this great news.
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April brings May... 04-30-2006 - 06:12 PM
regrets. Yes I know it should be April showers brings May flowers, but alas I do not feel that way, even though it is raining here.

May will bring May 18th. The day that changed my world forever, it was the day of my hyst. So this will mark the 2 yr hysterversary. I am not quite sure how I will be feeling. POssibly the same as I have been. Who knows?

I have had some good days this past week, which I am tahnkful for, but found that when I have good days, I do more and then well I do hurt in the evenings. The price we pay. I was squatting in the garden yesterday (which is an improvement because I used to not be able to do that without hurting at that moment) but I did hurt in the pelvic later that evening and then I slept bad because OH MY my legs ached. Again the price we pay.

I am suppose to have more trigger point injections this week. Some in the vaginal area and close to the Rectum (I know TMI) and then some in the lower back, but I am thinking of canceling as derricks preschool is going to the strawberry patch and a parent has to be with them, so I really want to go, plus I have had a dr appointment every week since Jan and I am so ready for a break.

I need to make an appointment with a Rheumy Dr, a dermatologist, to get some nasty bihg moles removed from my head...OUCH and waiting on insurance to see if they approve my breast reduction. I So hope they do.

I do need to disucss my hot flasshes with my dr they are getting so bad. It seems that the summer makes them worse, but geesh.

Oh well. I will go for now.
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LIfe Sucks 04-22-2006 - 04:48 PM
Life sucks. Life is unfair. I have been diagnoes with Myofacial Pain syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I am in constant pain everyday. These things can be "treated" but not cured. I will have them for the rest of my life. I can no longer get up and "go" whenever I feel like, hell I can't even plan y days anymore. I have to do them one hour at a time. I have to go and have injectiosn where I think no injection should even go at. They are painful. I have to do things I never thought I would and I can't do things I always could.

My husband does not deserve this crap, neither do my kids. I try to be a wife, mother, I try to work and maintian my 4.0 in school. I am lost and afraid, my days lately are spent spilling tears. I am screaming and no one can even hear me. It seems everyone is too busy in their life to take the time for little ole me.Ihave no one left to go to and or talk and part of me just wishes I would die

Right now I find myself in tears and here I am writing and sending this out in the void. Why? Cause I just want someone to hear me, someone to tell me it is okay to cry, kick and scream, someone to say it is okay to be mad and angry. I feel like I am about to explode and I fear the day it happens.


Not sure why this added way more stuff...hmmm I took care of it though
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It's been a month, Depressed, angry, 04-11-2006 - 06:35 PM
Well it has been a month since I have been here. I can't. I hurt to bad. I hurt for many reasons. My pelvic pain is unbearbable. I haev been Dx with Myofacial Pain Syndrome, and possible FMS or RA. Still working on that. I have had to go through trigger point injections in my vaginal area. They hurt..>BAD!. I have lost all dignity as Jeff has to do Trigger point massages on me in the vaginal area. They hurt too.

I can't do anything. Sitting is a chore. We had to buy a laptop so I could continue working and school, but yet that is all I do, I do not feel like talking to anyone.

It is funny cause I also hurt, cause people you think are your friends, seem to disappear when you need them the most, rather online or offline. I do not wish to call or email, cause I am afraid they are busy with their own lives and do not need to be boethered by my nusiance of an existence.

I am not sure how much longer I can fight. I have been fighting this since I was 13. I am not 31. To make matters worse I celebrated my birthday last year and celebrated it as my 30th. I just found out I was 31, I have no idea where 30 went.

I am barely eating. I don't feel like or I am just too week to eat. The hysterectomy I had was a waste, it was not needed. I have given my fertility, my ovaries and everything else up to some stranger with a knife only to still be going through the same thing, just without the bleeding.

I feel as if there is no light for me, nothing left, but to lie in pain and be miserable. TO not be able to be with ym children and do the things that they need/want me to do. I am drowing.

I am sorry, I have not read anyone's journal in here, I hope everyone is doing well. I love each and everyone of you.
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Have not quit yet, but did make a milestone. 03-11-2006 - 07:51 AM
At least for me. yesterday after getting mad cause I did not quit. I started giving myself pep talks. So I always smoke so nad in the car. Well I left here, went to walgreens, took derrick to school and came home. I was gone an hour or a little more. I took my cigs with me. I wanted to do a test and I knew if I left them at home, it would not be that big of a test.

I wanted to see fi I could CHOOSE not to smoke and have the WILL POWER to overcome urges. SO I left with cigs in purse. I NEVER lit one up. I did not event ake them from the purse. I was so proud of myself. That was a bug step.

This morning I went a whole 20 mins after I got up before I lit one up. I wanted to do it today. I was so happy yesterday and have a lot more confidence in myself, but I was reading the patches and it said if you have an irregular heartbeat to talk to a Dr. Well know I am not sure if I shouhld do this before or after I talk to my Dr.

I have tachycardia. I am on meds for it. Before they put me on meds, my resting heart rate was 169...yeah wow. So I am not sure what to do. My reason of thinking is that, okay I smoke. There is nicotine in the cig, I smoke about 33 a day. Now I am not sure how much nicotine is in 1 cig, but the patch starts of at 21 mg. So I would still be getting nicotine, just not the other yucky stuff in the cigs. So what is the difference.

You know I am member of girlsgetgoing, have not been there in a while, cause of my derpession, but I think I will head over there again and check out tht challang. Thanks
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Why or Why 03-10-2006 - 06:13 AM
Ok so I am gonan stop smoking. I have my quit date to be march 17. I went out and bought hte patches on Wed. So yesterday. I kept thinking, I do not want to smoke another whole week. I want to stop. I have the patches, why not stop. So I said, I would get up this morning and put the patch on instead of grabbing my cigs.


This morning came and what did I do, I grabbed my cigs...I feel so bad. I want to quit so bad. Why did I not quit today. I do not understand. My mom did it, after 40 something years for smoking abot 3 packs day. She is now almost 4 monts smoke free. I just do not know how I am gonan do this.
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I am tired... 03-09-2006 - 05:00 PM
of being in pain and feeling miserable.

My pelvic pain is getting so bad. It has been awhile since I have been on here. My pain is so bad, I had to invest in a laptop so I can work and do schoolwork. I can't sit upright for longer than about an hour. I can't exercise, I tried and regretted it.

My surgery that I had on Feb 7 did nothing. I saw my dr yesterday for my 4 week check up. HE said I had pelvic floor disorder and after 10 mins of poking nad prodding and causing much discomfort, he said that my pain seems to be in the levator muscle. I have been having periods of pelvic pain, vaginal pain as well as numbness, it feels like my vagina is asleep and pins nad needles feelings. It is wierd. He seems to think that all this is due to the disorder. He also said that if I was not working from home, I could qualify for disability. But that would probably be less than what I am making working. So I am not going to go that route.

It does upset me that things are this bad that I could do this.

I am down, tired and just ready to give up. I keep going to the dr and everything trying and trying for somehting to work. I so hope these injectinos work.

Well for now I have to go.
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I am so depressed 02-19-2006 - 01:01 PM
Yes it is true. Everyone sees me as a happy person and on the inside I am dieing, I am cryng and lost. I am fat, ugly, my boobs are too big and I now have yeast infections under my boobs as well as under my belly. I want to exercise but my pelvic hurts too bad, even walking. Yesterday I did do sit ups, but only to cry in pain about 3 hours later.

I have pilates, billy blanks, resitance bad, but everything hurts. I have 3 acres of land, I walk, but it hurts. I WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT. and then I get depressed and what to I do I eat..and it is not good food. It is cheetos, my newest comfort food is primento cheese sandwhiches. I am miserable and just want to hide. I want to go someone, I am already alone, so that would not matter.

I have dreams, I want to be a Surgical Tech or Dr or Nurse or A girl, but I could not go to school outside of the home due to pains, so I am attending college online for a bachelors in business. I work from home cause I can't work outside the home due to the pain. Which is a good thing cause I would rather no one see how I look anyway.

My face is changing, it is getting fatter, and oilerier and breakouts and balck heads. My hotflashes have come back and well I am facing trigger point injectins. I was looking at my med records, I had my hyst in may 04 in 2 years, I have gained over 40 lbs. Maybe that may not be alot in 2 years, but it is alot to me.

Today is my dad's birthday and I was trying to find something to wear, every cute shirt I have is too small now in the boob area. It is depressing.

I do have an appointment on March 2nd with a PS to discuss a breast reduction, I know my insurance will pay for it. Wonder if there is anyway I can say I need a tummy tuck and prove that it is medically necessary.HMM.

Anyway I had to come in here and vent. Now I am giong to watch the race.
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UGH..I am so mad 02-16-2006 - 06:23 AM
OK please tel me what you would do here. I found out my son is buying breakfast at school again. We have gone through this since he was in first grade. We can't afford the lunch and breakfast at school that would be like 82.50 a month on food. He is know in 6th grade suppose to be in 8th. He knows better.

WEll Iw as telling my mom about this last night and that he had a -9.50 n his account. My mom got really mad at my son, she said she was not gonan tell me why, I talked her into and promised I would not tell JJ. He talks to his nana and I do not want to jeapordize that.

My mom told me that every month JJ calls her and asks her for money. She knows he is not suppose to buy breakfast. She asks him why mom or dad will not give him the money and he tells her it is because he has been buying breakfast and he needs to put money in the account so that I will not find out. Mom has been giving him the money, she said she did this last year. This made me very mad, I told her that she was helping him LIE to his parents, she did not see it that was. She said she saw it as keeping him out of trouble and helping us.

The more I have thouht about it, the more mad I get. To be this is an issue of trust. Yes she is the grandma and I understand spoiling your kids, but she should have told him that he needed to tell me what he was doing. She should have not gave him the money and help him go behind our backs. The problem being if I say anything to her, she will get devensive, get mad at me for only voicing my opinion as to what is right and wrong and probably disown me for the millionth time. I do not know what to do here.

I can trust him to be with here in feaer that she will help him do something that we are against. HOw would he be ablet o learn the true values if she helps him go be hind our backs and what about the respect issue. He is playing us. I am just so mad and I am not sure how to handle it.

I have not told JJ I know and he was to call his nana last night, so I am not sure what they talked about. I thouht about listening in and then jumping his butt after I did, but I do not want to go against his privacy either. I have not told my husband cause all you know what will break loose.

What should I do?
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Home from surgery 02-07-2006 - 04:21 PM
Hi all, I wanted to let you all know I was home. I am in some pain, right now abuto a 6 out of 10, hopefully it will not get any worse. It does hurt to sit at the computer, so I just wanted to let you all know I was home and okay, will go into more detail later.
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My paper for school on Hysts (LONG) 01-31-2006 - 10:17 PM
(this may be copied and sent to any women you know)

Hysterectomy!
The dangers and risks behind the knife
CM105 – EC09 Effective Writing I for Business Majors
January 29, 2006

Hysterectomy! It is amazing how that one word can have such an impact on one’s life. For me, that one word means a nightmare that I live over and over. That one word has devastated my life, as well as many other women’s lives. If you are a women then perhaps today, or very soon, you may find out that you will need to have a hysterectomy or maybe you are a loved one of a women who may find she will be facing this very issue in the future. As a patient, I want you to be well informed about the risks that this can cause. As a loved one, I want you to know the risks as well, so you can help her make an informed decision.

The first time I remember hearing “hysterectomy”, I was 18 yrs old and it was recommended by my doctor because of heavy bleeding and chronic pelvic pain. The doctor said I already had a child, so I would not be loosing anything. I sat their in disbelief not hearing what he was telling me. I could not even imagine that someone would suggest this to me.

After listening to him go on for ages about it I finally told the doctor no, that I wanted more children and I was too young. During the next eleven years, I had female problems off and on. I would go to one doctor and then another trying to find something to help and each one said the same thing, I needed a hysterectomy. I would refuse and go on to the next doctor.

Finally, at age 29, when it was brought up again, I found myself more open to the idea. I was tired of suffering and the doctor made it seem very simple and easy. She seemed to be more convincing, telling me all the joys that would follow. As I sat there and listened to her tell me about how it would take away all my pains and that I would never again have to worry about periods or heavy bleeding, I found the idea more interesting. I was sold when she mentioned that I would be a new woman with a better quality life.

I trusted her. I never would have imagined that a doctor with withhold valuable information that I would need in order to make an informed decision. However, I had to learn the hard way, that there are things doctors do not tell you. Yes, there are many benefits of a hysterectomy but it is not the simple easy fix that we are lead to believe or hope for. Hysterectomy is, indeed, a major life-altering surgery that can cause more problems that it will fix. For some women, the effects are devastating and can severely impact a woman’s life.

What is a hysterectomy? “A hysterectomy is a surgical removal of the uterus, resulting in the inability to become pregnant (MedlinePlus, n.d.). According to a JAMA Patient Page that doctors give to patients that will be undergoing a hysterectomy, “hysterectomy is a common operation for women in the United States, second only to cesarean section” (JAMA, 2004, Vol 291, No 12). There are several types of hysterectomies that can be performed. The following is from the JAMA Patient Page that shows the different types of hysterectomies:
• Supracervical (or subtotal) - most of the uterus is removed, but the cervix (neck of the uterus) is not removed.
• Total – The entire uterus is removed, with or without the tubes and ovaries.
• Removal of a Fallopian tube is salpingectomy, when both tubes are removed it is called a bilateral salpingectomy.
• Removal of an ovary is oopherectomy, when both ovaries are removed it is referred to as a bilateral oopherectomy.
• Radical – removal of the uterus and surrounding tissues, including the upper third of the vagina, this is mainly done, along with the removal of pelvic lymph nodes for treatment of early cervical cancer (JAMA, 2004, Vol 291, No 12).

There seems to be speculation that a hysterectomy can only be performed through the abdomen. This is not true. Just as there are different types of hysterectomies, there are also different ways to perform one. The following lists are the different types of hysterectomies along with their appropriate abbreviations:
• Abdominal or total abdominal hysterectomy (TAH) – an incision is made in the abdomen. When the tubes and ovaries are removed it is then called a TAH/BSO
• Vaginal or total vaginal hysterectomy (LVH) – the uterus is removed through the vagina by separating it from all of its connections. When the tubes and ovaries are removed it is called a LVH/BSO.
• Laparoscopic assisted vaginally hysterectomy (LAVH) – where a small incision is made through the belly button, by use of instruments, the uterus is cut away from all connections and then removed through the vagina. When the tubes and ovaries are removed it is called a LAVH/BSO (Hysterectomy, n.d.).

Now that you have some knowledge about the types of hysterectomies and the different
ways they can be performed, we can move on to why women would need to have this surgery. There are reasons that would warrant the need for a hysterectomy. These can include cancer, uncontrollable bleeding after childbirth or trauma. However, hysterectomies are being preformed haparzdly for benign problems, such as pelvic pain, heavy menstrual cycles and other problems, when they are less radical treatments available.

I had a hysterectomy for endometriosis, severe bleeding and chronic pelvic pain. As I mentioned earlier, my doctor told me I would be fine, that it was simple, and that I would be a new woman. I would have no more pain. She gave me the JAMA pamphlet and sent me off to make an appointment with the surgical nurse. In the notes, she said I needed this as soon as possible; I was scheduled only four weeks later for this surgery. I remember I left the office numb. I could not think, I did not understand, and I still wanted more children. I can remember crying daily about it, but I was assured that this would be the best for me; after all, that is what my doctor had said.

Our bodies are marvelous creations with each organ or part playing a significant role in our physical, emotional and sexual well-being. It makes perfect medical and scientific sense to conclude that none of our body parts is dispensable, and I think most people would agree with me on that one. Yet, every day in North America, thousands of women surrender their non-cancerous reproductive organs to gynecological surgeons - in many cases, without having given it much thought ("Superfluous Surgery?," 2003, p. B04).

The National Institute for Health has reported that 22% of the 750,000 hysterectomies performed in the U.S. each year are unnecessary. Hysterectomy is radical, life-altering surgery, exposing females to premature menopause; increased cardiac risk, placing women into categories approximating those of men, as a result of the loss of naturally produced estrogen; sexual dysfunction, including pain during intercourse; and osteoporosis. Accordingly, before agreeing to so radical a procedure, the patient must satisfy herself that all less severe remedies have been attempted (Sweeney, 1993).Most of these are done for noncancerous reasons and half have their ovaries removed at the same. The medical term of having your ovaries removed is snorflation. That is an alarming number and percentage. Think about it; there must be a lot of women walking around out there in menopause and possibly a lot of unhappy husbands. According to Nora Coffeey, president of the HERS Foundation, “doctors often frighten women into consenting and give them false and misleading information. When a doctor tells a woman who manifests no sign of disease or illness that she will be protected against cancer by removal of her female organs, he is using a common scare tactic. And when a doctor tells an intact woman that after the hysterectomy she will be ‘the same as before – only better’ that is false and misleading” (The Protest, n.d.).

Unnecessary surgery, including hysterectomy, is rampant. "Hysterectomies, dilation and curettage and caesarean section are the most over-performed procedures," according to Charles Inlander's book, Medicine on Trial. The unnecessary hysterectomy is perhaps the most prevalent abuse of women by the health care system. This is particularly true in cases where women "already" have had their children, and therefore no longer "need" the uterus or ovaries. The decision to perform a hysterectomy frequently is made without taking into consideration the impact of such an operation on patient well-being (Sweeney, 1993).

It seems that doctors are not explaining in full detail the nature of this surgery or they are giving false information. I have heard many things about this surgery and many things that the doctors tell their patients. Why is this happening? Why are doctors silent about the outcomes of this type of surgery? Could it be for the money? That is possible, everyone knows that surgeries pay out more the appointments and medical tests. Could it be that doctors are knife-happy? Yes, we all know that there are doctors, who would have rather been surgeons. There are millions of different reasons why hysterectomies are performed all the time and why doctors do not tell their patients everything. So the burning question is why is this happening so much and why are women agreeing to it?
Gynecologists withhold information: According to a study published in the December 2002 issue of the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, the rate of hysterectomies performed each year is on the rise. In his comments for a print interview made public at the time of the release of this study, Dr. Ernst Bartsich, a New York gynecologist, attributed the increase to his colleagues who continue to withhold information about the aftereffects of hysterectomy and ovary removal. He added something to the effect that if women knew the truth, they wouldn't agree to these surgeries as readily ("Superfluous Surgery?," 2003, p. B04).
Risks are downplayed: Gynecologists have traditionally downplayed the risks involved with the operation itself and its many lasting consequences. Side effects include hot flashes, depression, anxiety, osteoporosis, generalized fatigue, stress and urge incontinence, masculinization, insomnia, bowel dysfunction, mood swings, just to mention a few. More importantly, the removal of the uterus and the ovaries can lead to sexual dysfunction ("Superfluous Surgery?," 2003, p. B04).
Lack of training in women's sexual health: Part of the reason why post-hysterectomy sexual dysfunction is rarely discussed prior to surgery is because gynecologists are not taught much about women's sexual health in medical school ("Superfluous Surgery?," 2003, p. B04).
Doctors tend to think that the only reason we have a uterus is to carry a baby, that it is an “incubator” and we do not really need it, whether we are of childbearing age or not; and that a hysterectomy is an easy way out, a “fix it all” kind of surgery, when it is not. The uterus has more functions than just being a baby maker. The uterus offers pelvic support for many organs; in other words, it helps hold other organs in place by ligaments that are attached to it and other organs. When a hysterectomy is performed, these ligaments are severed, leaving the organs to hang around and at times drop or try to fall out. The uterus also plays an important role is sexual gratification. Many women feel that the stimulation of “bumping the cervix” during intercourse in pleasurable and the uterus may also contract during orgasm. When the uterus is gone, it may cause a loss of sexual feelings. Post-hysterectomy sexual dysfunction is the result of nerve damage caused by the cutting with surgical instruments around the organs being removed (uterus, cervix, Fallopian tubes and ovaries), which in turn, results in diminished orgasmic response, or pain with intercourse. Loss of libido is another form of sexual dysfunction, and the direct result of the removal of the ovaries. All are outcomes women should investigate ("Superfluous Surgery?," 2003, p. B04). With that being said, some women do find they enjoy sex better because they are not faced with painful intercourse, heavy bleeding or chronic pelvic pain. There are also cultural considerations. Many countries view the uterus as the essence of ‘womanhood”; taking the uterus takes this away from her (Becky, n.d.).

There are other problems that are associated with a hysterectomy. Some of these include surgical menopause, a woman’s vagina is shortened, scarred and may be dislocated, heart disease, osteoporosis, bone, joint and muscle pain, immobility, loss of sexual desire, displacement of bladder, bowels and other pelvic organs, fatigue, exhaustion, short term memory loss, depression, personality changes, moods swings and the list goes on (HERS, n.d.). None of these mentioned above were located on the JAMA patient pamphlet I received, nor did my doctor tell me any of these. It seems that doctors have taken a code of silence when it comes to information that we deserve to know. It is our bodies they are operating on and we should know every thing that could go wrong. We should be told about the long term effects, but we are not.

I had my surgery and four days later I was in the emergency room because something was falling out of my vagina. The doctor I saw told me I had rectocele (my rectum was protruding through my vagina); she said that sometimes happens with a hysterectomy. I was shocked; that was the first I had heard of this. I began to have more problems; I started leaking urine during the day and wetting my bed at night. My pelvic pain came back; sex was out of the question due to pain and discomfort. I was miserable. I felt like I was going insane. I went back to my doctor, told her how I felt, what was going on, and how my emotions were running. She said she saw nothing wrong, and that everything was in my head. That latter statement is the statement of choice for doctors. I have heard from several people that they heard the same thing from their doctors.

I finally went to a different doctor; my first appointment was shocking and devastating. I had to have another surgery; it was only 7 months after my hysterectomy. I had to have complete pelvic floor reconstructive surgery. My rectum, bladder, urethra and vagina, were all protruding out. They had to more or less do plastic surgery, with skin grafts and mesh to repair everything. That surgery was very hard and I was told all of those things are risks to a hysterectomy. Once again I was in shock, as my doctor did not tell me this, JAMA did not have it listed in their pamphlet and none of these risks were on the consent form I signed. How can you fully make an informed consent, when you do not know everything that can go wrong?

Today, I am almost two years post op from my hysterectomy. Can I say I am better? Well, I do not have any more heavy bleeding. I remember my doctor telling me that I would have a better quality life, and I would be the same, but a new woman. Well, she did not lie about it all. I am a new woman, but it is nothing like she explained. My pelvic pain came back; I found out that a hysterectomy will not always get rid of pelvic pain. I am depressed. I am 31 and still have to wear depends at night. Sometimes, it is hard to explain it. I never feel well. I am always tired, my joints ache, and I have hot flashes, and night sweats. I can’t be the mother I want to be to my kids, because I am hurting, don’t feel well, or do not have the energy. I have problems remembering the simplest things. On the outside, everyone sees me as the same person, but on the inside, there is a little scared girl who is screaming for help, only no one can hear or help me. I never feel like having sexual relations with my husband. I do not even want to think about that.

One of the biggest things about this is the emotional rollercoaster you ride. Personally, I was not ready for this type of surgery. I think that women should be counseled before consenting to this. I actually grieve and mourn the loss of my uterus. I mourn the unborn child that I will never have. I was only 29 years old. I wanted more children and will never get the chance. I do not even have the chance to make the decision; it was taken away from me with a knife. Every time I see a pregnant woman, or hear that someone is pregnant, my stomach goes into knots, my heart hurts, my throat feels like it is closing, and I get hot. If I am in front of that person, I have to fight back the tears; if not, I cry like a baby. Everyday is a chore for me, I have to make choices; do I clean my house or play with my kids. I can only make one choice because that may be all I have in me for that day. Before my hysterectomy, I was a reasonable size; I smiled on the inside and out. Sure I was in pain, but I could go out and cut the grass, I could ride the four-wheeler, I could stay out and play pool, darts or horseshoes. I could stay up later at night. Now, I find myself tired at the end of the day. I do not have the energy to play pool, ride the four-wheeler, cut the grass and if I do, I will end up hurting anyway. When my doctor took my female organs, she also took a part of me. Many do not understand that, but it is true. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever get it back.

I have been snorfledoodled. I feel that is a punishment, but I have no idea what I did wrong. I do not understand why this happened to me at such a young age. I ask myself all the time, “Who am I?”, “What am I here for?” I have not found the answers and I probably never will, but I will fight to end to stop this from happening to other women. I feel like I am stranger to myself. I am being held hostage by pain, emotions and hormonal fits. I feel violated; someone came in and took out a part me. I do know this. If there was one thing that I did gain from this, it was Knowledge. Knowledge is power and with the right knowledge you can do anything. I have learned that I must make my own decisions. I can’t trust the doctor, I have to do my own research and come up with the right decision for myself and my family. If I could go back, I would have never gone to the hospital that day, but there is no turning back. I can not change the past, but I have gained the knowledge to change the future, for me and hopefully, for other women in the world.

Now, at the time of this writing, I am a little over a week away from facing another surgery. If I had not had the hysterectomy, I would not have needed the other surgery and now would not need this surgery. I have found myself asking “why”, once again. It seems that this is an emotional, physical, and mental ride that I will never get off. I will forever be worried about more surgeries. I will always wonder what if.

I am not trying to scare anyone; I am trying to present the facts and personal experiences to encourage you to seek more information. If your doctor comes in and tells you that you need a hysterectomy, I urge you not to consent to anything until you have research. There are other options available to you. Most of the time, the doctors will not tell you about these options. The only person who will help us is ourselves. We must become our own advocate. If that means learning the medical terminology, then that is what we must do. It is up to us to do the research, to ask questions, to not go quietly into the knife. Maybe I cannot stop this epidemic. But if we all come together as women, sisters, wives, mothers and daughters, we can form one voice that will ring out to every medical professional out there to provide us with more knowledge and information that we deserve, that we have the right to know. It is my hope that I can reach one woman that is reading this and make her aware of the problems that this type of mutilation can cause. If I do please, do me a favor, just pay it forward. If I have touched anyone with this information, pay it forward, reach out to another woman to help them or even to a victim and let them know that you understand. If you are by some chance a victim, I am sorry, I understand what you are going through and I may not know you, but we have a general bond. We both have that little girl inside screaming for help. Remember you are not alone.

Too many women are being hysterectomized in this country. Many do not know the full extent of the risks, short-term or long-term. For some, it is a blessing, and a life saver, and for others, it is a nightmare that they will have to live with forever. Yes, a hysterectomy can save a person’s life. It can have its benefits, but the end result can be positively damaging.

Reference’s

Hysterectomy – removal of the Uterus (Womb), (n.d), retrieved on January 10, 2006 from the World Wide Web: http://www.gynob.com/hyst.htm
Hysterectomy Surgery, Unwarranted, Hysterectomy Side Effect, Information, Problems, questions, (n.d), retrieved on January 10 2006 from the World Wide Web:
http://www.theprotestandtheplay.com/
MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Hysterectomy, (n.d), retrieved on January 11, 2006 the World Wide Web: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002915.htm
Study question ovary removal during hysterectomy, (October 2005), Harvard Women’s Health Watch, retrieved on January 11, 2006 from the World Wide Web: www.health.harvard.edu
Superfluous Surgery?. (2003, June 15). The Washington Times, p. B04. Retrieved January 29, 2006, from Questia database: http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5001946477
Sweeney, P. (1993, September). How Can Women Avoid Becoming Victims of Medical Malpractice?. USA Today (Society for the Advancement of Education), 122, 46+. Retrieved January 29, 2006, from Questia database: http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5002185124
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And the surgery never ends 01-25-2006 - 11:26 AM
Yes you heard me right. I had my drs apoointment today. The good news those boils are nothing to worry about, if they get to bothersome, I can get them lanced.

I am scheudled for surgery on Feb 7. It seems that some of the mesh they used has knotted up and is wrap around a nerve and mucles, they have to cut it out. I would right more, but right now I am really upset and just do not feel like talking or anything. Just wanted to update.
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Pains and what not 01-24-2006 - 06:18 AM
WEll my pain level right now is a 2 out of 5. NOt totally gone, but not bad either. Yesterday was a good pain day, it was minimal until I went to bed, it had gotten worse. I cntribute that to sitting that computer so long doing our taxes.

I was thinkning about the kidney stones that a sister wrote about. I am not sure. I thought that would hurt only when the stone moved and that it would even wake me up. This pain is constant it is always there, the only times it gets worse is after I have been sitting upright for awhile, such as at the computer, it is relieved by lieing down. I don't know, bt my appt is tomorrow.

Jeff has a major mouth problem. We think it is his wisdom tooth. It looks like a tooth has come up thruogh his gum, it look sbad and he is in so much pain. He has actually told me to make an appointment with the dentist. Which means he is really hurting cause he hates dentists and has not been since like 1991. So in away this is a good thing cause he needs to go.

I don't think our money situation will ever get better. We havea -67.00 and that is what the bank syays, I am afraid to find out what my checkbook says. We are having to pay bills and buy groceries when we know there is no money in the account. I write a check and hope the pays goes in first. My bank wil charge 30.00 overdraft fee, but will honor anything that goes in. The 30.00 just eats our money though and by the time we get paid, we do not have enough money to pay everything again. We are behind on my car. And if I don't pay something soon, well I am scared of what will happen.

I am really hoping we can get enouhg back on taxes to pay the car and get it current. and then pay a month ahead on the utilities, that way I can pay it every month when we get the money and not worry about cut off dates and all, and we will always be a month ahead on those anyway. You know you really can't do that with the morgage and car payments, cause they don't credit your account like that...too bad really.

I guess the only thing I can do is keep paying my bills. I cna't pay my car payment for another 2 weeks and well it will be 3 months behind...OUCH. I wll have to work as much as I can and sleep when I can and do school work when I can. I need a budget but can't make one. I need about 30,000 to be honest.

Oh well, I guess I wil conitue to be scared and worried until we can get everything caught up.
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Why is this happening 01-22-2006 - 08:14 AM
Well 2 years ago I was in pain, where if I sat upright too long, my pelvic would be killing me. A year ago, I could not sit up due to that other terrible surgery. And now, I was so miserable last night. I was up at the computer most the day yesterday trying to catch up with school work. As I have written here, I have started having pelvic pain again. Well this has happend the last few nights. I have been sitting up working at least 6 hours at a time. Anyway by about 6 last night I was in so much pain, I oculd not sit still, I had to walk but that was not helping.
By 7 I was walking that little walk, you know the one where you are a little bent over with your butt sticking out in the air a little cause your pelvic hurts to bad to sit and too bad to stand up straight. I was in tears. I was seriously thinking of going to the ER. BY 8, I wa sin my bathroom crying. I had this sort of rage buildingup inside of me and I pitched fit, throwing things, screaming nad just bawling. I was so mad, I would look in the mirror and talk to myself. This was not suppose to be happening. The *%^& hyst was suppose to take car of this.
I was not suppose to be hurting like this, I was not suppose to feel so bad, I could not do anything with my children. I was not suppose to still hurt when I vacuum or pick up Derrick. I swear I even had thoughts of stalking this stupid dr and ripping her female organs out. I know that sounds harsh but at that moment in time,that is how I felt. I finally laid bakc in a recliner. About 9:30 the pain started easing off. It was not going away, but at least it was not severe.
I am just so mad, so upset, so, well honkerblonked off. I hate this dr for what she promised me and then it not be that way. She as a dr and a woman. I feel like as a dr it as her duty to protect me nad make sure I fully understood and yet she did not. I feel like as a woman,s he should have been even more in depth to my feelings and understand more, after all, unless she was a man inside, then she has what I have and well you get the picture.
I can't believe these drs can lie to you, I can't believe they do not tell you the full extent. I have found out that the hyst doe snot always take away pelvic pain, well she could have told me that,but no she said it would help all my pains.
But what could it be. I only have a few things in mind and I think they all would require some sort of surgery. Ovarian reminent syndrome, it would be my luck that the ovary would grow back, scar tissue and endo again. I am thinking about stopping my hrt, since that can feed the endo. I can't wait till my appoint on Wed. I know that this dr can find out what the problem is. I actualyl trust him, he was great to me during my last srugery.

On top of that, I also have my wrist hurting, I need to find out what that is. I do not think it is fibryo or RA. Yeah I hurt in different joints, but the main thing is my wrist. I think it is carpal tunnel and right now with the way it hurts, I think I would wlecome surgery for that. At least that would be a new kind of surgery, one that did not require touching my abdomen (wow there are surgeries out there like that)

I also have 2 moles, 1 on each side of my head, I need to get them removed, but well the though of a needle going inmy head, well...um..OUCH.

Anywya sorry if this seemed harsh, but I am veyr upset and mad at the moment and well I just feel completeley alone. I know I am not, but when I can't get to my pc to write, or email, or get phone numbes to call, you feel alone.
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I got the grade on my paper and other things 01-20-2006 - 06:04 AM
I got a 100 on my draft. I was so happy, so now I just need to add to it (not sure how to do that one, there is already so much there), revise it, edit and make it my final. I am trying to see if my mil will give me a gift subscription to a place call questia. It is anonline library that charges a fee, but if gives you eletronic acces on millions of articles, journals, books that you can read, sort and everything on your computer you can even quote to a word program right from it and creat the cite for the paper...I need that so bad...lol

Derrick is FINALLY pooping in the potty. Since Sunday he had gone in th potty everyday except one day (accidents are still going to happen) I am so happy and yet sad. I realize that he is growing up. I knew that before now, but someting about the symbolism of pooping in the potty changes everything.

I have to go get his replacement social security card (now if I can only remember where I put the stuff I needed..ugh) anyway, I need to find his birth certificate. We will have pre-k registration here soon, so I need to get all that ready. (wiping away a tear) I am not sure if he will go to public school or a daycare for the pre-k program. Here there are only 20 slots per school. Parens actually camp outside allday and all night prior to registration, but they say it is randomly drawn through a computer lottery. So I do not see going through all that and still not getting in. So I may jut go ahead and register him at a daycare center that offers it.

well it is early I am still drinking my coffee, this is gonna be a bad pain day. I woke up with my pelvic hurting. Maybe the Dr will be able to tell me something at the appoint, but most likely he will say, lets do some tests. I am lso gonna talk to him about my HRT, it just is not working for me.

Well I have to work only 2 hours today, unless I decide to go back later, but I doubt it as I have all that school work due by Sunday. Nice huh. Ony 2 more weeks and then I get a 2 week break form school. Then I have algebra...HELP
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My day sucks 01-19-2006 - 10:45 AM
Not sure why but it does. I feel like crap. I never feel good. I am having pelvic pain, so what else is new. I am not sure what is wrong. I also have that gut feeling that something is wrong and I can't seem to shake it. It started at 8:50 this morning. I did not even want to leave Derrick at preschool. I cried all the way home.

I am working right now and to be honest I do not want to be here. I have so much work to get done. I need to finalize my paper, I have a final to take.I have to read nad proof 4 classmates papers. Plus the other work that is due in the classes. I need to do the checkbook, figureing out what I need to for taxes, so we can get some money and I can get my teeth done.

We are not that busy at work, but steady, but I can't do any of these things while working cause it requires concentration, I cna't just stop and go on it. So I am not sure when I will get everything done. Atleat here, I can stop and go with no problem.

I also did make a Drs appt with my GYN, need to come up wtih 50.00 though by next week, so he will see me. I figured I would get this thing seen about and go ahead and take the plunge to see if we can find out why I am wetting hte bed again and having these dang on pelvic pains. SO I crumbled and called. My appoint is next Wed 1.25 @ 9:45 am. UGH, I just do not want to go. I have had enouhg prodding and poking down there to last me a lifetime.

Oh well the things we must do. Man I have know idea what is wron gtoday, every little noise is making me jump. I am so on edge for some reason.HMM, not sure why.

Oh well. When I get my final paper done I will post it for all to read. I am gonna find something to do inbetween calls, I might start typing all my paper journals, so I can add them in here.

Love to all
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Today is one year since my Pelvic Floor Surgery 01-18-2006 - 06:24 AM
Well, today it has been 1 year since I had to go in and have the awful pelvic floor reconstructive surgery. It is 7:15 AM my time and at this time, I was being put to sleep. How am I feeling today. Down. But there are many more emotions and I can't even begin to put them in words. Everything gets so confusing.

I need to go to the Dr, but well I do not want to. I need to go for pelvic pain and for something else. I would like to ask your opions.

******Warning this is gross********
ok this will be a little disgusting, but in order for me to get opinions, I need to be in detail. About 3 montsh ago, I had what I thought was a boil. The location: if you think where your vagina is and then go over about an inch or so to the right on that sin that is locat between the vagain opening and the crease of your inner leg. That is where it is. Well it boiled up like a boil, got big and was really hurting, so I popped it. Okay OUCH! but it drained and went down. I noticed that there was a bluish black mark where the boil had been, so anyway, it would boil up again every few weeks. I would jsut drain it for relief and that was it.
I noticed yesterday it was getting bigger again. SO I went to try to drain it, this time, thick green gunk (TMI,,IKNOW, SORRY) mixed with blood came out. It is still bluish black and keeps "boiling up" I have no idea what this is, but I am starting to get concerened. I have had these here before, but none that never went away.HMM>

Anyway sorry about TMI. I had to write a paper for school. I am gonna post it in my journal. I am not sure if I am gonna post the draft or the final paper here, but be looking for it within the next few weeks, if I post the draft, then it will bein the next day probably, I may post both the draft and the final, since I already know things I want to add. I may even pot some of my other papers I have had to write as well. Will have to go through them.

Well I am finishing up my first cup of coffee. I have a feeling this is gonna be a long day. in a while I have to get Derrick ready, I work today and I have to do the checkbook, school work, figure up somethings with taxes, and format my other computer....Oh well, no matter how bad you feel life must go on.
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Just to let you know 01-15-2006 - 03:51 PM
I wanted just want to let you know that I will be adding journal entries to my journal in the next few weeks (I cannow get online while I work..WHOO HOO)

Anyway, I want to eventually get all my paper journals in here, so if it seems things are a bit out of whack, that is why. But I feel it is important to add thiese entries for others to read.

Lots of love
Kim
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Paper for school, wrote on hyst 01-14-2006 - 07:13 PM
I had to write a paper for school. I chose to write about a hyst. It is only the rough draft, the final is due i n 2 weeks and htis draft is not graded yet, but if anyone would like to read it, shoot me a pm.
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The New Year 01-01-2006 - 09:17 AM
Well it is now 2006. Wow what a year I have had. I will not miss it, but what I do not get is that, I always get very down on New Year's. No matter if the year before was good or bad, I get down. WHy is that? I brought in the New Year at a friends house. We came home shortly after midnight (not far to go they live next door) I went to bed and woke up at 9:45. WOW, I never sleep that late, I did wake up during the night because I had THE ACCIDENT, luckily I was in my trusty DEPENDS...UGH. I hate sleeping in those. I woke up with pelvic pain this am. Maybe I was hoping the New Year would bring changes and I would not wake up hurting. I wake up with pelvic pain and a headache everyday, I just do not get it.

I did get a good surpise yesterday. I had to write a paper for school before the winter break. I wrote a paper on Protecting your children online. I do not think I am a very good writer, but I went in yesterday and saw she had graded it. There were 150 points total possible for the paper and that is basically a 100. Well I had a 150 point. I could not believe it. Thankfully, she does nto count off on grammer or spelling errors, unless there are alot. She wants to make sure we CAN write, know the APA style of writing and so forth. Anyway I was very happy with that. If anyone wants a copy and read it. Let me know, email me or PM me and I will send it to you. It is in word format.

Well it seems that my wrist is hurting today, so I will be putting the brace on. I was suppose to clean this week, but I have been hurting and well, this was the first week, I did not have to worry about school or work, so I kinda laid around all day watching season one of Charmed, that I got for Christmas. I was hoping I could get all the seasons of tv shows I got in, watched, but oh well, too many.
1. S1 Charmed (still need the other seasons)
2. S4 and S5 Gilmore Girls (you all know this is MY FAVORITE show. I know have S1.2.3.4.5 and 6 is on the air...lol
3. S Lost (this was to me and JJ)
4. S1 and S2 of smallville (this is JJ's but I have never watched it, so I was gonna watch it with him.

We have not gotten through charmed yet, we have 2 episodes on one disk and the last disk to watch.

I also got the book The Chronicles of Narnia (which I get laughed at cause I had never even heard of it until I was reading this message board and the movie came out) The book has 7 stories in it...I think. I am on the first story The Magician's Nephew and I am on Chapter 4. I really like it so far. Jeff said that if I like things like Charmed and Harry Potter I would like these. He said he had read them as a child. I never heard of them.

Anyway I have to force myself to clean today, I really do. My school starts back tomorrow and Jeff and I both go back to work on Tuesday and the kids go back to school on Thursday. I have so much to do, I need to make new calendars, I need to clean, take down the tree, my room/office needs cleaning nad organizing SO bad and my bed needs to be moved to be vaccumed as I have a shedding dog that sleeps under there and well there is enough hair to make 3 of her. But I was always told that what you do on New years is what you will be doing the rest of the year. I know I will have to clean, but I would rather take this day to watch more shows..lol

Oh well I will have to see how my pelvic is. I think right now I will drink my coffee and take a darvecet and hope my GP calls more in for me.

Happy New Year dear sisters.
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I cried.... 12-31-2005 - 01:23 PM
WOW. The responses I got from my wonderful sisters on my last post, well made me tear up and cry. I cried cause I was not alone, I cried cause someone actually understand me, I cried cause others were able to put it into words I could not and I cried cause I feel your pain as well.

If I had to name one good thing that came from my hyst it would be all of you. The women who somehow through all the pains, find th strength to keep giving. As I know how hard that is. We can't just take a break. We have lives, we have children, husbands, or others to take care of. It seems that we have to put our ills, our pains and our sorrows aside, so that we must care for others. Whoever said women were selfish.

So many were ablet o match what I said. I am dieing inside, it is a slow miserable death. Crumbling was another term, that is so true. Ad the fact that I look ok from the outside, oh if only someone could look on the inside. Jeff does not understand and, well , if only he could be in my shoes for one day.

As with anything, you have your good and your bad. I have my good days and my bad, sometimes I even have good hours and bad.

I told Jeff today that I thouhgt I had a split personality and that I now know what Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hide felt like.

I mentioned earlie about the president of HERS foundation calling me to be a panel to speak at a conferece next October. Well I have said yes. I will be speaking about my outcome. Maybe if more women find out the truth, then my loss will not have been for nothing.

With love
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Enough is enough already 12-29-2005 - 10:04 AM
Well I still deeply regret this hysterectomy. In May it will be 2 years and I still think and wonder why on earth did I have it done. Sure I was bleeding to no ends, I had pain everyday of my life. I was miserable. But am I any better now. NO!. I am still have pains and to top that off, I have no sex drive, I have headaches daily, I have nausia almost everday. I have gas that i can't control. I have a swollen somtach ( I refuse to say I have gained wait) I now for the first time have fat clothes. I never feel good. I do not feel like myself. I am always tired. I have to make myself get up, go to work, go to school, clean the house. I do not think I have a cooked a supper since my hyst. I have to force myself to be a wife and a mother. Then was not what I was told. My quality of life would be so much better, I would feel like a ne women. I would be so much happier....BLAH, where is all that. Do they teach Drs to lie to the patients. Sure I feel like a new women, cause I sure do not feel like my old self. I have no confidence, I have no pazazz, it is all gone. I have no memeory, I cna't concentrate. I feel on edge. I yell at everyone for no particular reason at all, could be just that they are talking to me. It is terrible. I hate it. I hate myself like this, but I do not know what to do. Perhaps, I just need to check myself in someone and have a breakdown. Perhaps I will crack anyway. Maybe I am crazy and this is all in my head, like so many of the medical community wishes to say. I am now spotting (how is this possible.) my Dr will nto see me until I pay him something...How nice. I do nto trust drs, but he is the only one I am willing to trust.

My Christmas was terrible. I was not in it at all and this is usually my favorite time of year. My grandmother was really sick and we almost lost her, and well I just could not get into. I was in too much pain, pelvic pain, the very pain that I had the stupid hyst for to begin with. The pain that I was told WOULD NOT COME BACK, but it has and it has come back with avengence.

I just want to cry. I want to cry for the life I do not have anymroe. I know I should be thankful, that I do haev alife and I am, but why does it have to be this way. Why oh why did I have that hyst. Yes it does change your life, but for mine, it was not for the better.
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My Dream 12-14-2005 - 06:09 AM
Well for the past few weeks I have been having pains. What kind of pains you ask. Well Are you holding on to your seat. Mentrual type pains. Yes. I said Mentrual pains. It's funny, you would have thought I would not have remembered what they felt like. I was told by one women, you never forget and you do not, or atleast I didn't.

Anyway I was hurting again last night and went to bed. I had a dream that I went to my Dr. He has done tests and said that the only thing he could do for me was to take my ovaries out. I looked at him in astonishment and said, but my ovaries were taken out almost 2 years ago.

Too bad I woke up, So I do not know what he said or the outcome, but I awoke with an uneasy feeling. So I guess I need to get my butt to the Dr. I do not want to. I have no trust in them anymore.
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4 years ago today 12-09-2005 - 11:11 AM
Itis funny how much cna change in 4 years and how someone can change so much in 4 years.

4 years ago this day was on a Saturday. Jeff was out Christmas shopping and I was almost 3 months pregnant. I was very tired, so I did not go with him, I stayed home. This was a miracle conception as we had tried for a long time to get pregnant. I started bleeding and got really scared. I called Jeff home and we called the Dr and he said to meet us at the Ob ward. I was so scared.

They did a sonogram and I got to the little guy. I remember I had my eyes closed until they told me they saw the heartbeat and then opened them. The Dr said that sometimes this happens and to just take it easy. That was 4 years ago on December 9, 2001.

Now 4 years later on December 9, 2005 I sit here and wonder what has happened to my life. I cry on the inside cause I will never again experience seeing my baby on a sonogram or feelign a baby move. My toddler is growing up, my oldest son is a teenager and I am not sure what I am.

I did nto realized how aware I was tomy female organs. I guess the old say, you don't know what you got till there gone, really fits here.

I turned 31 yrs old on Nov 25. I cried all day. It was not because I was turning 31. I can handle the age. That is no biggie. It was what I had went through my life. I had a hysterectomy at 29 that damaged me. I am in menopause and had to have recontrstuctive surgery on what is left of any female organ I have.

Some say they do not understand what I mean when I say I am not me. I am not my old self. I know other women who have had a hysterectomy and they say it was the best thing they have ever done. They feel great. I wish I could say that, but instead, it was the worst thing I have ever done.

I do not feel whole. I do not feel like the women I was BH (I have numbed the term BH and AH, Before Hyst and After Hyst) I do not laugh much, I do not smile much. My house, I used to be a clean freak and well it barely gets cleaned. Christmas has always been my best time and favorite time of year. I would put up so many decorations. As of today, my tree has been up a week and it has about 5 decorations on it. My Christmas cards still set in the box. Everyone asked me what I want for Christmas and I can't tell them, because they can't give it to me. I want to be me agian, I want to be whole again, that will never happen.
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HERS Foundation called me. 11-29-2005 - 06:31 AM
I can't believe it. I had written to the HERS foundation back in October of this year. I got a call yesterday from a lady from there discussin my situation.

There will be a conference in October of next year, there will be a lawyer, a GYN and somenoe else there to talk. There will also be a panel of 10 ladies who have had hysterectomies there to speack as well. Guess what.

I was asked to JOIN THE PANEL of the 10. The trip is free. All i have to do is talk infront of a lot of people (yikes) about my experience with a hysterectomy and how is has changed me.

Jeff said to do it, so I am really considering it. I just can't beleive with as big as the HERS foundation and all the emails thye received I was called. WOW!

Teh lady was so nice and wanted to her my story. She felt so bad and was so sincere. It was nice to actually talk to someone in real life that understood what I was saying.

And other than the ones here, she was the first one who said she understood the phrase, "I am not my old self"

I just had to share

Wow I just found out that the lady who called me was the President of the HERS foundation. I went to their website and it listed her as the president. I also just bought a copy of the Play "Unbecoming" on DVD.
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My birthday 11-26-2005 - 10:36 PM
WOW! I am not sure what happened to me on Friday. It was my birthday. We were to do what I wanted to do. So I wanted to getup and go hunting. We did, we got up at 5:30 am and went to the club. I got into my stand at 7 am, abot 7:30 the tears started to pour. Why you ask? Well that is the question that I keep asking myself, along with Jeff, my dad and my mom. The answer. I have no idea.

I do not think it was due to me turning 31. Big deal. There is nothing wrong with that. I do not know what it was, but I cried almost all day long. We were to stay out there all day. Dad cooked me his wonderful camp breakfast. I love that. Jeff and the kids gave me my card and presents and should have been well. But kept saying I was not sure if I had wanted to stay, so finally about 2:30 pm, Jeff said, lets go, we will go home and rest and drop the kids at my moms and go out to eat, whereever you want. I said ok.

So we came home, I was so tired. I got some coffee and settled down with a good book. We got ready to leave and took the kids to my moms. I got my birthday cards and present from my mom and grandma. Then we left. I wantedt o go to this new japanese steack house I lvoe their food and used to go to one we had all the time. They would cook the food nad it was so good. I was not sure how this place would be, but wanted to go. So we went. I was so happy. It was lke it was the same place, only with a different name. They cooked the food in front of you. The soup and salad dressing was the same, the food tasted the same along with the dipping sauces. It was wonderful. We were going to go see a movie, I had wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie, but it was to start late and I was tired.

So we went to Office Depot, Michaels and Books a million. Then we went to get the kids. I pulled up and got out of the car. I opened the door and it was dark, then I heard the singing of happy Birthday, my mom had gotten me a cake and her and the kids were setting in the kitchen singing with a candle lit in the cake, when I walked in. I was so surprised. Then I had another present. It was form the kids. It was a huge, stuff, soft and fluffy unicorn. Have I ever mentioned how much I love unicorns.

All this really cheered me up. Today has been better, I was in a better mood, just stressed some, cause I have so much school work.

And I keep teling myself, I need to come back here everyday and write. I love writing here, reading the comments and I miss you all.
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Thanksgiving day and my birthday 11-24-2005 - 10:11 AM
Well today is Thanksgiving and I do have alot to be thankful for. But as I go back and think, I can't help but think about the things that have gone wrong in my life or have happened to me to hurt me.

I have not wrote in a while, I am still in the depression despair. Sometimes I hate my life. I am s busy with lwork and school. I di dcome out of my frist term with a 4.0 in both classes. Now business law is killing me.

Things are okay between me and Jeff, but just okay.

My birthday is tomorrow. I will be 31. I guess that is why I am thinking back. My last 30 years as been you know what, I hope my nexxt 30 years will be better.

I am in pain all the time. And pelvic pain again. I have o wear a wrist brace almost daily due to my wrist hurting so bad. we are still in the testing mode, trying to find out what is wrong with me.

I hope allof my sisters have a great Thanksgiving. I thank fo you all often.
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Another rush to the Dr for Derrick 11-03-2005 - 07:32 AM
I tell you this child is gonna be the death of me. He is an accident looking for a place to happen.

He has been sick, so he has not been in Preschool on Monday or Tuesday. Well he was in here with me, then went to his room. I went in to check on him and came and sat back at the computer. This was on Tuesday 11.1.05.

As soon as I sat down, I heard a loud bang, I got up and ran in there, Derrick was screaming like all get it out. He was on his bed, with his face in his hands. I got to, said let mommy see, I pulled his ahnds away and was not prepared for what I was about to see. As soon as I pulled his hands away there was blood EVERYWHERE. All over his face, I mean his chin,mouth, nose, cheeks, eyes, forehead, everywhere and it was still coming out. I had no idea where the blood was coming.

I picked him up and just planted his face into my chest to try to keep the blood low. I was in a panick, I calle dmy next door neighbor in tears and told, not asked, but told her to come over. She hung up (guess she heard the panick in my voice and ran over. I had already tried to call Jeff, could nto get him, so I called my parents. Laura walked in and panick, but then saw I was, so she did stopped. I was trying to find out where he was bleeding from, where he was hurt. I was wiping blood from different areas and thenLaura came and started to help.

We finally got to see where the blood was coming from. His lip. My first thought, his tooth had went through his lip. Nope that was not the case, he just split his lip wide open. A huge v shape split on his top lip. About an inch deep and an Inch wide. At first site, it had looked like he had cut a chunk of meat out of his lip, but he had busted it.

Laura had him, whiel I ran around the house getting my clothes on and calling the Dr. I got ahold of Jeff and called my parents as they were walking ot the door, told them I had gotten ahold of Jeff and he was on his way home. (My keys were locked in my car)

Luara stayed with me till Jeff got there, while we were waiting we got to looking at the inside of his mouth, where the lip was busted. He jammed his tooth upward into the gum and back. I was crying my heart out.

We took him to the Dr and they had t give him 5 stitches in the lip. Everytime they stuck that needle I cried. Derrick was screaming. We had to take him to the dentist yesterday. they do not think there will be any permanent damage to his teeth.

But let me tell you, I cried all day on Tuesday. You find out your are pregnant. You do everything for 9 months to insure you have a healthy baby. YOu plan their room, make sure every outlet is covered, you make sure there are no blind cords to hurt them on, you make sure everything that he could get hurt on that you think about is out of the room. You childprrof your house to where it takes you 10 minutes to open a cabinet, you put all the harmful chemicals so high taht you need a ladder to get them. You do everything you can and yet they still get hurt.

We did nto know what had happened or how he did this until he calmed down at the drs, before the stitches and we asked him. He said he was running on his bed. When we got home, we had him show us what he hit. He had fallen and hit the foot board. We just got him a new bed, we moved him from a toddler bed to a twin bed. Now I wish we had not.

I felt so bad, I felt like it was all my fault and Jeff was not helping, he was very mad and we didnot talk most of the day that day. He even yelled at me infront of Laura, and she could not believe it. She was like he should not be made at you, so that made matters worse.

I tell you, everyone says, we are gonna have plenty of rushed Dr and Er trips with this boy, he has no fear.

Since he was born, he was in NNICU for a week. At 3 months rushed to the ER cause we overdosed him on heavy cough syrup. The pharmecy had told me wrong. At 6 months rushed cause he was not breathing. At 1 rushed cause he busted his head, no stiches there, but dermabone. At 2 he was rushed for dehydration. OH at 9 months, rushed cause the computer fell on him, he pull the pc on top of him. Then a week ago, I had to take him to the Dr for a broke finger and now this. OH yeah about a month or so ago, was rushed for falling with a pen and stabbing it in his throat.

I am now afriad to be alone with him. It seems he always gets hurt whem I am here. Mom says it is because I am with him more. But now I am afriad for him to leave my site. I did not take him to preschool yesterday, still debating today and he has a Dr appt tomorrow so he wil nto be going tomorrow. But yet part of me feels as if he would be safer there in school than with me.

I feel like I am a bad mom. I can't stop him from getting hurt. Yesterday I went everywhere he went,if he was in his room, I was there, and so on. I am afriad to have him leave my site. And he has not learned, he is still climbing on the furniure and jumping.

JJ was nothing like this as a child. He was never into nothing, he was clam and was afriad of everything. Derrick is totally different. NOt afraid of aything.

I am even started to get concerned that DFACS will be called in. My mom said that the Dr would have to report and they know how he is (which they do) and that I do not have to worry about that.

I wish I can protect him. I know I can keep an eye on him 24/7, but I can sure try.
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Wondering is the Peace worth it 10-27-2005 - 06:06 AM
Ok so we went to the woods yesterday. I hurt some walking down to my stand, but it is all downhil, so it was easy. Climbing it took it toll on me. Once I got up there, it was so nice, there was no breze, everything was still and quiet, except for the birds nad squirrels and turkeys.

But then it was time to get down and walk up that hill. By the time I got back to the car I was miserable, my knees, my ankels, my toes..OH my (sorry could not help it), by the time I amde the 45 min trip to my moms to get the kids, I was really miserable. Then another 20 mins to get home. I was beyond miserable. Tols Jeff, I did not think it was worth it. I was in bed by 930 or so.

Oh well. I have got 4 papers t write this week for school and I am down to 2 needing redoing after I proofed them and 2 being written from scracth. The 2 that needs redone are due Sunday, the other 2, Nove 2. I still have an A in both classes...I just can't seem to get started. when I take Derrick to school I plan on doing them or starting them in those 3 hours. We are suppose to go back to the woods tonight. We were gonna go twice a week and well we have to go when I am not working nad we have a baby sitter, but I am not sure at this moment, if I will go or not.

There are so many things I need to do, I have so much shredding to do, weeding out the bills we just paid, we paid off all the CC..YEAH. I ave filing to do (about 6 months worth. I have crhistmas things to pain, but wondeirng if my hands will allow them to.

Well I now have a 3 tr old trying climb on me, so I guess I need to go. Will update later.

Thank you all so much for your support. Marylin, if you get a chance try to give me a call this weekend.
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Update 10-26-2005 - 12:26 PM
Well the first morning urine test is now a 24 hr urine collection. They found things they did nto like, so before they dx me with diabetes insipidus, they want to run more test to check kidney function and stuff, so I ge to collect my urine for 24 hrs nad keep in the fridge...GROSS.

I get to have 2 moles removed tomorrow. Normally I would say no big deal, but they are on my head. One on both side which means they haev to shave some of my hair and give me a shot TWICE in the head....NO NO NO. I am thinking of canceling and doing it later.

Still do not know when my appt with the rheumatologist will be.

I feel so bad. I am in so much pain and by the end of the day I can barely chug along. It is terrible and a terrible feeling. Sometimes I am so sore and worn out, it feels like my head, arms and legs weigh a ton.

I am loosing my battle with my mood swings, I am yelling at everyone, it is worse in the evening and then I feel bad about it. I feel bad for yelling at my kids, Jeff, the whole works.

And what ever happend to for better or worse, richer and poorer and sickness nad health. Ok so I know I have had more sickness than health since we have been marriage and I know one can get tired of it, I know I sure am. But Jeff seems so tired of. I am so afraid I am loosing him.

We are suppose to go hunting today. If you remember this is my favorite time of year and well, I do not want to go. Just the thought of going and walking that dsitance (about a mile) in the woods, up and down hills is making me tired, let alone actually doing it. We went saturday and I was sore up until yesterday. I know alot of it has to do that I am not exercising, but that is because I hurt to bad to even to that. I am focing myself to go, even if I do nto see anything, stting in the woods, in God's nature, listening to the birds sing, always makes me feel good, even it is for a little while. It is so peaceful. I take a book with me and read. It is an escape from reality. Now if I only had a laptop with net access to take out there...

They make fn of me for taking a book, but hey, it is the only plce where I can find time to take up one of my passions and that is reading. If I waited till the kids were in bed, I would never get to read, as I am usually out right after them.

What a better place to read and have quiet time than in nature.

I have to say I am scared and worried over this RA. I mean I know many people live with it, but it scares me. Once again I find I am trying to hide. Put on a front. I smile, seem like I am in a good mood in front of family and friends. When I am alone I cry. I hurt, I ache. There a different person on the outside than on the inside. On the inside I feel like this little girl, afriad of the world and everything in it. I feel scared and like I am screaming. Oh well. I have to do this for my family. I can't let them see me any other way.

I am just so thankful, I have this place and my dear sisters to help me along. I hate to lean on you and always write negative in my journal, but it is one place I can turn.
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Dear Sisters 10-24-2005 - 06:07 PM
Hello everyone.

I wanted to give a quick update. after having alot of tests done, my Dr called today. I got some rather disturbing news. It seems they are pretty postive that I have Rheumatoid arthritis. I will be going to see a Rheumtaologist soon, the Dr is setting that appoint ment up.

So there is some insight to what may be going on with me. I am not sure how to take this yet, just found out about an hour ago and a little numb from it all.
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Pains and hurt feelings 10-20-2005 - 06:49 AM
this past few days my pains have been worse. The Drs are testing me for Lyme Disease, MS, Parkinsons, and Fybromyalgia. I failed my neurologic exam...Great.

I am more tired lately and my pains, ph my pains. I ache everywhere. I can wake up fine, by the end of the day, I am achy so bad, I can barely move. Or I can wake up feeling like this. My mucles and joint aches, I loose motor skills in one or both hands, it is awful feeling.

My feelings have been hurt at work. It seems i am being called names and some have not thought I was sincere in something. I will not go into the details, but I have been hurt. To the point where I thought about quitting. I emaild a friend from work and she told me not to let those drive me away. Another friend said it is not worth and that is why she doe snot participate in the message boards.

MY school work is falling. All of my papers have been very good, up until now. I have had a 94,94, 97, 98. 100 and now a 69 and 80. I have 5 papers due in the next 3 weeks. Help...

I have one due this weekend cause I missed class and I have to do the alternative assignemnt. I have 2 "redo" papers due by Oct 30. The professor is allowing us to redo 2 papers of our choice, (I bet you know which ones I am redoing) and thenI have my final papers due Nov 2. I am gonan be busy.

I amhaving some test done today and I have to buy a dryer cause ous crashed and burned. OH the Dr did diagnose me with Restless Leg Syndrome and put me on something calle Requip, which is also used with Parkinsons. He also said it seems like I have Diabetes Insipidus (water) diabetes, which would be why I am wetting the bed again. I drnk all the time, I am always thirsty and I crave water which is a good thing. I have one more test today for that to determine if that is the case. The Lyme test will take about 3 weeks and I am not suure about the rest. He also put me on something called Cymbalta, but I have not started taking that yet.

The poems I have written in here, were actually poems I wrote in y childhood. Afte I was raped and after the father of JJ left me and I was hurt in that relationship by abuse. I staarted wwriting when I was 13, I have not written one since 1998...I have thoght about writing again. I have over 100 poems I have written though. I guess it was my way of journaling at the time. I will post more.
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Confusion 10-16-2005 - 10:47 AM
So many questions
so little time
Sometimes I ask
"Am I loosing my mind"
So many decisions
I know I can't make
so much criticsum
I just can't take.
I can't please everyone
thought I always will try.
Sometimes I'd discouraged
but I don't know why
I hate all the pressure
that is brought upon me
too many decisions
than I'd rather there be
I just can't stand it
I don't know what to do
To feel what I feel
if only you knew
I'm not looking for sympathy
I just wish it would end
I feel it's a battle
I never will win.
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The Mirror of Pain 10-16-2005 - 10:43 AM
Your hate is boiling
up inside,
It has no place to
run and hide.

Your heart is breaking
clean in two,
there's nothing anyone
can do.
Your soul becomes a
lake of fire,
To hurt someone is
you desire.

you want someone to
feel the pain,
That's almost driving
you insane.

You then look up
so silently,
into the eyes of
ugly mocking glares.
And you see your pain
refelcted there.
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Lonely 10-16-2005 - 10:30 AM
My Heart is lonely
I feel so bare
I'm drowning quickly
in my despair,

Forsaken feeling
deserted days
secluded souls
and weary ways.

Trapped in my
reclusive life.
Solitutde cuts me
like a knife.
In a solitary
atmostpehe
crying a single
neglected tear.

Isolated
the one and only
I am lost
I am lonely.
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I am beginning to hate my life 10-16-2005 - 10:20 AM
Yes it is true. I am thankful for everything God has given me, but I am beginning to hate everything as well.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am tired of always being in pain, weather it is my teeth, my pelvic or something else.

My kids. Ok My 13 yr old, can't seem to do anything. He does have butt jobs for everything he does, he acts like my 3 yr old.

My 3 yr old acts as if he is going through the terrble twos.

My husband acts as if he can't stand me. I am just going insane. I can barely take it. I can't do anything I won't to do anymore cause the kids take over. It seems all I do is work, clean and school. I barely get a chance to get on the internet for entertainment.

I am going downhill and fast. This is the only place I can freely express how I feel. I have started putting on a front. I am happy in front of other people, I am happy with my co-workers. I am a fake. I cry only when I am alone. Other than that people see me as a fake cause I do not act the way I feel.

I feel fat, ugly, alone, worried, mad, empty. But yet when someone asks me how I am, I smile and say fine. On the outside I am everything I should be. Room mom, helping the preschol, colege student, wife, mom, and employee, on the inside I am sreaming and crying.
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And the winner is.... 10-13-2005 - 08:36 AM
Depression.

It seems that depression has not only slipped around the corner but dived in big time. Where is my motivation? Where is my dignity? Where is my confidence? WHy do I feel like no one (online or offline) wants me around? WHy do I feele everyone has deserted me?

It is so hard for me to concentrate. I cry everyday, over nothing. I am starting the sack in school and work. I can find the energy or strentgh to face my day. To do what needs to be done. THen I get mad at myself. I had 30 hrs schduled to work last week and then with everythign going on, I had to cancel hours, sub hors, cause I could not work. This week I only scheduled 9 hrs. I know we need the money, but I can seem to get moving.

I am very lonely, very scared and have no where to turn. I feel like i did years ago, when I was a pregnant teenager, I had no one and once agian I feel as if I have no one.

Midlife crisis, I am only 30. Nervous Breakdown, possible. I have actually considered checking my self in to a mental hospital. I am no good to anyone.

I am in pain agian. The pelvic area, especially sitting too long. That pain was suppose to be gone. It was suppose to have left when they did the hyst, but it has reared its ugly head. I am wetting th ebed again. That was suppose to be over. That was suppose to have stopped after my intense sugery in Jan. But no it is back. I feel old. I wear depends, my face is showing signs of aging, I have acne, which I never have. I have gained weight. My boobs are growing.

I broke my big toe, I slipped and fell. I hurt my wrist. It seems my bones are going as well.

Why? I am just so alone, I do not know what to do. I keep thinking what is the point. I am useless and no good.
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Life is so unfair 09-25-2005 - 08:52 AM
OK, so I have decided that life, espeically my life is so unfair.

Why do I have to wake up in pain everyday of my life?Why have I had to have so many surgereies?
Why have I had to be put in the hspital so many times?
Why did I have to be raped.
Why did I have to be in a very dangerous abusive relationship?
WHy do I have to be in such a financial mess?
Why? Why? WHy?

Have I done something wrong? Am I being punished for something?

My husband tells me I am High maintenance. I wish it was because I spend money on things I do not need, but no it is because I am always so sick, I have Drs, and hospitals and surgeries and well you get the picture.

I don't understand. I am a good person, it is not fair.

How much longer will this go on. How much more can I take. To be honest, I don't think I can take much more.
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Derricks Trip to the ER and other stuff. HELP! 09-23-2005 - 06:19 AM
Well we had a pretty good scare last Sunday. Such a good scare, I called 911. Yes I said I called 911. Jeff was with my dad on the way to the hunting club, JJ, me and Derrick were here. I was actually trying to write in my journal that moment. My mom always told me to never let Derrick run with anything in his hand, pen, knife, toothbrush...etc, and I never do. Well he got a pen, and decided to run. I yelled for him to stop and he would not, then JJ decided to chase him, with me telling JJ, nt to run after him, well Derrick fell and Jabbed the in his mouth into his throat. There was blood everywhere. I looked in his mouth and I could not see where he punctured it at, he was screaming, JJ was screaming and I was in very bid panic mode, so I calledd 911, then my mom then Jeff, Jeff and dad were an hour away. they got back in 20 mins.

We went to the ER and everything was fine, Teh Dr said we were lucky, cause at the angle and the place where it stabbed him. It was about an inch to the left og the little thing that hangs down. He said it would heal very nicely. I came home and cried my eyes out. I tell you this kid know no fear. we think we are gnna have many mroe ER trips with him. JJ was never like this, he was careful, and seemed afraid of everything, Derrick is the opposite.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The yard went ok, we raised about 300.00. But I telly ou I am back into the depression again. I know I need to work, but it is all I can do to go towork. I have to force myself everyday. Perhaps if I was doing something where I did not have to speak to people, maybe it would be different. But some of the callers are difficult and well it is everything I can do nto to scream at them on the phone. But I go to work. this week I did not work like I should I worked about 20 hrs. Next week will be 30 hrs, I just do not think I could have handled anything more this week.

I am sick again. And well the Dr are clueless as to what is wrong. So I stopped going. I did not go about my breast reduction and here I sit with yet another major yeast infection under my breast. It feels like it is on fire. I also think I may be getting carpal tunnel or arthritis or something. My arms are not working, well more like my hands. Mainly my right arm will go numb and then my wrist will start to ache, then my finger will tingle and then I am hurting all day, I am wearing a wrist splint as well. I am just tired of hurting, having problems, everything.

on a good note I got my mid term grades, if you remember I was freaking cause I did not think I could do this. Well surprise to me. I have a 4.0 right now.

JJ is doing well, his progress report was AMAZING. I have it hanging on my wall. He has been threaten by a boy at school, so this past week, I have been at the school fairly regularly.

I have not told Jeff yet. I know I have to, I know it is wrong, but I also know what will happen if I do, and it willlead to a fight with hitting. I am trying to avoid that. I figure if I can fix this, he never has to know and all is well. Yes I am taking this all myself and yes it is too much for one person to handle, but I have to.

We alsmot have to money, althoguht we may not have enough to pay everythign else. I did post on my messge board at wrk, pleading for help. I have called salvation Army, Red Cross, HUD, Human Services, Churches, United way, no one can help. We are in trouble we got this way due to medical reason, but we make to much to qualify for help. Darnit, I hate that. You either have to be poor to get help or be rich and do not need help, ther eis nothing for the middle class who are living paycheck to paycheck. It stinks if you ask me.

I guess I will go for now. Derrick wants me to watch Flubber. I want to watch Hurricane Coverage.

Just all please say a prayer for me.
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Yard sale and sickness 09-16-2005 - 09:12 PM
Just is not going to mix.

I feel like crap. I did not work today and I so needed to. To make matters worse I had to call my Gi Dr. I had a nissen fundoplication 4 years ago (3months before I got pregnant) For those who do not know, a fundoplication is done for GERD, they take the bottom have of you esophagus and wrap around the top half of your stomach, this will clsoe a hiatal hernia and repair the GERD. I was on a liquid diet FOREVER it seemed, lost alot of wait though. Anyway the recoveyr if very slow and painful. YOu canbarely swallow, just 1/4 of a teaspoon woulf hurt going down.

Well anyway I started feelign like that again, so I called hime worried about the wrap. He got the x0rays from the Dr yesterday and sadi my wrap was being aggravted, it was contracting, asked if Ihad been taking mrotin, I said yes, he told me to stop. He put me on meds and I am once again on a Liquid diet. UGH

We are having a Yard sale tomorrow. We have to. We are trying to avoid foreclosure and Ihave to coem up with 1400.00 by the 30 of the month.

bad thing is Jeff does not know, he will kill me if he knows, he thinks the yard sale is for something else.

I am sick and do not feel like doing this.

Well I am going to bed.
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Is there any chance you could be pregnant? 09-15-2005 - 01:37 PM
No, I replied, I had a hysterectomy, for the 3rd time, with my temper building.

OK I know the medical field is suppose to ask this, but come on now.

I had to go to the med stop today. I have pluersy, bronchitic and a touch of walking Pnuemonia. I see the nurse first, she askes me all the usual questions and then ask can you be pregnant. No I said, I had a hyst. She looked at my chart, yes I see that. (ok why did you now look before)

So the Dr comes in, talks to me, and then says let's get an xray (notice the Dr came in READING MY CHART) I said ok. She then said, is there any chance you are pregnant? (ok big DUH , where's your sign goin on here, she has my chart open and her her hands, she was reading it when she came in the door, or maybe she was trying to make like she was reading it) I once again said no, I had a hyst. She said Ok, yes it is in your chart....

I waited for a little while and they come get me to take me to xray, I walk in and they have my chart, looking at it. Hi. Mrs. Plunkett, we are gonna do some x-rays, IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU MIGHT BE PREGNANT?
At this point I did not care how bad I felt, I felt like knocking the two of them out. I said no, I had a hyst, they replied, lets see, 3rd verse,same as the first. OH yes, it is in your chart.

Now tell me, I know I am sick, but am I dilusional. What is the purpose of having charts and writing in those said charts, and reading them (or acting like it) when you are not gonna go by that chart. Is there something I am missing. Can you have a hyst and get pregannt, can you have it reversed. I don't think so.

So why must one be asked several time within an hour the same question.

Sorry I had to rant on that.
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Updates. Katrina, and other things and depression 09-07-2005 - 06:13 AM
Well I have not been around much. Why? It seems I have gotten into that funk again, not really sure. I thinkg it is due to several factors.

1. Hurricane Katrina - First the devestation that it has caused. Other than the Ok City bombing, The 9/11 Attacks, I have never seen devestation like this. And I am working with my work on a Red Cross Project. People call te 1877loved1s and I ask them who they are searching for. I look it up int hte Red Cross Database. So far I have had to tell everyone that I am sorry but I can't locate their family member in our database. After saying those words, the tone in their voice is devestating. Then you hear the storeis. It is our job, not to councel, but to listen and look up family members and register family members and friends. It is very hard, but I do not have the money to donate. So this is my only way of helping.

2. Jeff is not showing me any emotion anymore. He never calls me, he never seems to be at work when I call him. He has gotten where he does not talk to me on IM during my work, yesterday he did not even tell me he was leaving the house to go somewhere, with my kids. He always does that. He seems unhappy. He yelled at me for wanting to have sex. It was 11:00 PM, he said it was too late, he had to go to work in the monring. This is true, but he can yell at me about this and then get up and go to the computer for an hour. I don't get it, but it upsets me.

3. Of course our money situation. We are just not making it. I do not know what is gonna happen. It seems we just can get ahead, let alone catch up no mater how hard we try. I am scared we will loose our house. I have looked for help everwhere, but can't seem to find it.

4. I have started wetting the bed again. I am now in depends again. I have constant Pelvic pain and even rectal pain all the time now and this is very depressing to me. I can't go back to the Dr, till I find away to pay him the mone I already owe him.

College is going well. I turned in my frist paper and while it has not been graded yet, The profesor said it was very good for my first paper. So far I have an A in both classes.

Work is going good, but slow. It seems that Katrina has affected work. Most of our business is in the area affected, so we are really slow. I mean we get calls form all over the US, but for the most part it is slow.

JJ is doing better, not sure about the grades as of yet, but he has not goten into anymore trouble.

Derrick is doing great, getting smarted everyday, it is scary.
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Why, Why, Why and updates 08-31-2005 - 06:08 AM
Why does stuff happen? Does someone in the cosmix world, just don't like me?

For the past week and a half, I have started wetting the bed at night. I have done this off and on since my surgery that was suppose to CORRECT this. Well the first 3 months after I did not do this, but then I started every now and then. Now it is alsmot an every night occurance once again.

And I am also having pelvic pain/pressure. It does not hurt to urniate, I do not get urgencies to go during the day, so I just don't get it and I don't get the pelvic pain. I am now so upset, I mean come on. I had a hyst to fix things, theonyl thing it fixed was me not being able to have any more kids and me not having periods. the pains have come back and there were more problems than before the hyst, which many of you know, resultsed in me hainvg MAJOR butt surgeyr in Jan for 8 different things. Which was suppose to have me stop wettting the bed and here I am doing this again.

I do not want to go back to the Dr, I just don't, but I feel I am going tohave to

I had let my hair grow out, it was so pretty and long, but it needed a trimming and thinning, so Sunday I went to get it cut, well the lady decided to do her own style on my hair, she layered it, it looked like it had been butchered. I cried all day over that, I mean it was still long (atleat the bottom have in the back). So on Monday I go somewhere to get it fix. They had to cut it off at my neck inorder to almost make it all one length. And there are still atleast 4 different lengths in my hair, now I can't even tuck it behind my ear, cause she cut the sides so short and I can't pull it in a pony tail, which is something Iove to do. UGH!

JJ, is getting a 50.00 reward today. He is receiving this reward for turning in a kid at school who had brought a knife to school. I am very proud of him, but also very scared. THe boy went to an alternative school, well he admitted, so they gave him a little slap on the hand and he will be returning back to his home school. He has now threaten JJ for telling on him and this scares me. If he will bring a knife to school, who says he willn ot do it again, or bring a gun. I mean Jj did a good thing, but now I have to worry about what will happen. School has changed so much since I was there. I mean I don't remember kids bringing weapnos and guns to school and if they did, either noone was hurt or they kept it Hush, hush,but now, you are afraid to send your kid to school. It is a very sad world and sad that kids are hurting other kids. I was not sure if JJ told anyone about this threatening him, so I emailed the Vice Principle yesterday to voice my concerns. I think JJ may be too Afirad to tell someone and that is not good as well, for he needs to be ablet o tell someone if a kids brings some sort of weapon to school. I have taught him to not fight, not do drugs, no to smoke or drink, not to tattle, but have always taugh him if someone threatens him or brings knifes or guns to school and offers him drugs, then it is ok to tell, now I have to wonder if, I have just given permission for my kid to get hurt. It scares me.

School is going better for me. I got throught he first week and this week had to write a paper, I submitted the first draft to my teacher and she returned it, with alot of red marks, but basically told me I had done a good job for my frisst college paper and that I have the potential to make a great writer. I laughed. But I will correct the paper and turn it in, and then see what my grade is. I will let every know. Work is going good. I am stillworking on the promotion. Suppose to know somehting this week or next week I think. I have went from working 15 hs a week to 30 hsr a week this week. My mom and MIL will be watching Derrick, my mom twice a week and my MIL once a week, so I can get in more hours. I was working like 2 hrs and then an hour off, or longer cause i had derrick and then going back from 3:30-7. I did not like that. I did not want towork till 7. So my mom told me to work straigh throuhg. Like 10-5 or 10-6. I wasnot sure how I would like taht, but on Monday I worked 12-6. It was not bad. I actually enjoyed it and liked it much better. I also got mroe work done as we had little slow lags andI was able to do school work, here it might have been harder to do, if I had not already been at the computer.

Well I am gonna go now, wanted to whine a bit and give you a little update.
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It's been a week..WOW 08-24-2005 - 12:01 PM
Well Derrick is doing well. His voice is back to normal. He had his stitches out yesterday and I am happy to report all is well.

Jj is back to his old self again. He has only been in school for 9 days and already had the Assit. Principle call me. This was for pushing a student. I can't go through this again. It is a never-ending story.

This happened on Monday. Which really messed my day up. Monday was my first day at College. It is online, but wow. I have never been to college, but I am wondering if a brock and mortar college would be the same. I am so overwhelemed. I was not able tos tart my day, like i had planned. I was working that day, planned on logging in at school before work for an hour, but instead was on the phone with the school.

I was able to log on for about 15 minutes and that was engouh to scare me to death. Like I said, I have never been to college, so I am not sure but wow. Witht he online College I am taking 2 classes every semester. They take attendance. I have to log in 3 times a week per class, do message board discussions, the required reading, web field trips, essays, reports and Thesis. OK I am scared. I can't do this stuff. I have real time lectures every Wednesday at 7 pm for one class and 10 pm for the other class. There is required library reading, some are short ebooks, others are books that i have to request from the University of Alabama.

I just do not know if I can handle this. I am now fixing to start working 8-9 hrs a day atleast 3 days a week and then about 6 the other 2 days. Plus School. I did quit one of my jobs, but still have 2, so I will also be working nights and the weekends. I have to, we are so busted, I need to work to get the money.

I know I work from home, but putting in the 8-9 hrs days are gonna be difficult. Cause we only work 9-6 cst time, that is 10-7 my time, So I have to work 10-7 for the 9 hrs with no break, or take an huor break to work the 8 hrs or work straigh though 10-6, if I want to get off ealier, which I want to, cause I do not want to work till 7.

I just have to find a scheudle. And still be able to fit in, school, home, children, husband, life, me time. In away though this is good and bad. I am not able to take time to be depressed, but at the same time, I feel I am turning my depression into something else and therefor I will nto be able to heal from it. If that makes any sense.

I also feel bad, cause I am starting to feel different towards JJ. I am so tired of the things he is doing. I do not care, if he is 13 and can think like a13 yr old, or if he is 13 and thinks like a 10 yr old. Most of the things he does, a 10 yr old knows better. He is already failing classes and this is the 2nd time in 6th grade. I have been dealing with this since he started Pre-K, I am exhausted from this. We have even considered an inpatient hospital program. We are just lost, tired, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Does this make me a bad person? A bad Mom? I feel guilty for feeling this way. Oh well.

I am gonna go get Derrick to sleep for a nap, so I can catch up with school. I have several discussion questions before my lectures tonight.
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Update on Derrick 08-17-2005 - 03:18 PM
Hi all. I came on real quick to say Thanks for the prayers.

The surgery went well. They had to leave a drain tube in, which I will have to change, but he will get that removed tomorrow, when we take him back to the Dr.

He is in some pain and he has thrown up some, but that is to be expected.

The tube actually went up to his tonsils instead of Downward. ANd it was pretty long. The only thing at this point is he is talking funny nad we have to hope nothing happend to his voice box.
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Prayers please 08-16-2005 - 01:08 PM
OK so my week did not start off well. I was at the ER sunday night from 8 pm to 1 am due to JJ, we thought he had appendicitis, but it turned out to be Mesenteric Adentitis, something about the lymph nodes arounf the stomach lining being infected. So he has been home from school, yesterday and today.

My pelvic pain as come back. Nice huh, yeah. The same all too familiar sensation of someone grabbing both side of my hips and pressing inward. And it jus ache. Do not want to go abck to the Dr.

Derrick will be having his surgery tomorrow. We have to be there at 7:15. Of course as a mom and I scared out of my mind. SO Asking for prayers to keep my little angel safe. I will update on him as soon as I can.
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Test results for JJ 08-12-2005 - 07:12 AM
Well I had my apoint for my test results.

The actually Dx is ADHD, ODD and Bipolar. He is a 13 yr old, with the thinking of a 10 year old and he is working at the 2nd - 3rd grade level. THey haev in the test results mildly intellectually disabled to borderline.

she told me, he would probably not be able to have a "normal" life and that he will have problems for the rest of his life. She is worried that he will not be ablet o pass any of the exams required to be promoted and wants to put that in his Speical Ed record, that he be not held back due to failuer of placement exams, rather hold him back if he fails a class

See here, in 8th grade you have to pass the CRCT test to be promoted to 9th grade as well as the writing test. Then I think you have to pas it again to go to 1th grade and then you have to pass an exit exam ( High School Graduation Exam) in order to graduate. These are what she is concerend of.

She waht to put him in a Day program for Mentally Challenge Adolescents. They would pick him up after school and we would pick him up at 6 pm monday through Friday. They wuld help with homework, have group therapies, individual theripies and other things, it would be like a inpatient hospital problem only this is outpatient.

However, Jeff does not feel that this is correct, he still thinks it is JJ just being lazy andnot wanting to do the work,so he is not supportive of this decision or trying him meds, which she also reccommended.

Me, I am not sure if there is a problem or of he is being lazy. I mean I know he cando the work, he has shown us. SO being at a 3rd grade level, does not seem right to me. I do know I have said before that I think he is not mature for his age, so the mental capicity of a 10 yr old seems right. I just do not know. What I do knwo is I want a reasont to his actions and behaviors. If there is a reason, then I can deal better, better than the reason beinghe is lazy and just do not care. Is that wrong of me.

I know he acts the same as his donor (for lack of better terms). Carl was his name,he was 21, never finished school, could not read and barely could spell. He was on ritalin for ADHD at 21, his 2 sisters and his broter were on it as well. They were all kinda crazy. And at this moment I am very mad at him and hurt by him. I know I should not be, but man he hurt me enouhg when we were together, it seems like he is still hurting me.

He knew he had problems. Granted, I love my son and I do not regret having him and I know that if I had not met this, this creep,then I would not have JJ. But he knew he had problems and yet he still spawned like crazy. JJ has about 9 half brother and sisters THAT I KNOW OF, could be more.5 were born the same year as JJ, you know what he was doing when we were together.

I am just hurting at the moment. I do not know what to do, how to do it, where to go.

We are still having money probs, got 2 notices in the mail from bank, wher they paid my debits, but charge me a 30.00 OD charge for the all, one notice had a charge of 90.00 and the oter 150.00. I worked on my checkbook again cause I got the latest statement in and well I balanced (after the mistakes) and now thing still do not add right. So I made me a register from Excel. I printed out everything from MOney and Got my banks stamtens, marked out everything that had cleared from Oct of last year till Dec, then marked everythingthat was on the Jan statement. So I would know where to begin to be able to balance out. So now I am in the process of taking the stuff from Money that was list ont hat statemnt, putting in my made up register and I will balance it again month to month, that is probably the only way I will get a grip as to what is going on. When I am done each month, I will then start anew account in money and balance in there as well. Atleat I hope this is the best way. Have not talk to my mother in law, she is the whiz at this, I usually take it to hear, but I am afraid she will yell, although she knows the prob and has offered to come and get my stuff, but I am determined to figure this out on my own.

If anyone has any good ideas on figureing this stuff out let me know. I have balanced every month (after themistaked are corrected.) so yesterday I put in the Od fees and well my bank said I had a -197 nad I had a -127 and there were 2deposits ont he same day int he register and only one in the Statement and I know this was only done at one time, but when I take that out, it give me a -327. I am so lost. I have to pay the house today, but I am afraid to, cause I basically do not know how much money we have. I guess I could get my balance from the bank and use that. We are in such a mess.

I think I am getting sick, my chest hurts and is tight, I have a combination runny/stuffy nose, my head hurts, I have been cold (rather that HOT), I feel like i have been hit by a mac truck. Did not sleep well last night, too much on my mind. And Derrrick kept waking up. I think he is getting sick as well. He can't, his surgery is Wednesday.

Oh well, I am gonan grab me another cup of coffee and start the day. Oh and my coffee maker died on me. My mom had bought me one of those home cafes. I loved it, but it broke, it is funny in a way, she bought my sister one and hers broke about the same time. So now I am having to use those little singles. I hate those. Mom has got a coffee maker, she is gonna let me use until I can get my own.

Well let me get my coffee, I think I may curl up on the couch with it and cry. That seems to be all I do anymore is cry. My eyes are always swollen and puffy and red and they burn all the tiem now.

The good news is, Jeff is determined to find away for him to give me a present. He is taking me to see GRETCHEN WILSON in ocotber. I love her. Hank Jr is gonna be here to, nad he wants to go to him, but I have seen him and Jeff has seen him 5 times, so he is willing to sacrafice it for me.We can't afford both and we willalready having to go to the fair twice, once for the concert and once for the kids. He said with everything I have been through I derserve a night out, no matter what costs.

Till we meet again.
kim

Hey anyone know how to write a prayer journal.
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I just can't wait to be 18 08-10-2005 - 10:51 AM
Those words, were probably said form everyone here at some point int hre life. We just could not wait to grow up, so we did nto haev to put up with "parental authority"

So now I ask What were we thinking. Our parents do so good to hide us from the outside world. The bad people, the bills, For me, I always got everything I wanted, never knew about the money issue, but I could not wait to grow up.

Now as I sit here, looking over the mess we have, I can't help but think, Man Iwish I could be a kid again. Life was so much mroe easier.
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And the hits just keep on coming 08-10-2005 - 09:22 AM
Let me tell you I can't get a break or ahead for that matter.

Last payday we had a -386 in our account. I found out the day before JEff got paid, so luckly we dodged the bullet for bank charges (we have overdraft protection) well I knew I had errors in the checkbook, just did not how much.

WEll I worked all weekend going through statemtns and fixing things. Thought I had everything good. Well w had a -100 and something on Monday, which I knew we would. I got paid today, so I thouht we would be good. Nope more mistakes, that I have to find, I called today to see what the balance as and it is a -3.09, my check was over 300.00, so we get paid again on Friday.

We are so broke, We need food. Jeff will hit the wall when he finds out about this. I do not have my new statement yet and I could not remember my password for my online access, so I tried so many times, they locked me out. Now I have to wait for the bank to call m e, so I can reset my password. I am miserable and disgusted.

We owe so much money out. We are 2 months behind ont he house as well as the car. f only I culd find some willing soul to give me 3000.00 to help me pay those.......HOw did this happen, why did this happen and will it ever end, with the negative balances and being late, we will never catch up.
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I am sinking 08-10-2005 - 06:53 AM
It seems back into the deep dark world of depression. I just hate this. I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

let's see where to begin.
Still never heard anything from my manager, so I am not gonna worry abot that, I have enough to worry about.

JJ started school on the 5th and well it seems that everything else started with him. He is just acting up so bad. He is doing things and then blaming Derrick, he admitted yesterday that he did those things. He acts Derricks age alot of time. Some would say this was jeaoulsy, but I am not sure, as he acted the same way before we had Derrick, just he now has someone to blame it on, other than the man in the moon. He is driving us crazy.

I go tomorrow to find out the results from his tests, that we had done in June, so maybe that will get some help or find something out.

My teeth are yet acting upset again. That same one is abscesed again. I just can't some up with the 800 for the root canal. I have no idea what I am gonna do.

My mom went to the Dr yesterday to discuss the lung damage and emphazema with him. They ran some tests and it wasdetermined that it was bad enough to warrant a handicapp sticker.

Derrick is having his surgery next week and as it gets closer, it id makeing me more nevous.

I just have SO much going on. I swear, my brain is on overload and is about to self distruct. It wil not be lone, I feel, and I will be in the mental hosiptal suffering from a mental breakdown.

Well that is my update. Hope allmy other sisters are having better luck than I am.
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Still no news, updates 08-09-2005 - 12:18 PM
Thanks to everyone who helped calm me down. I have not heard anything. My manager never called me. Jeff thinks that it must not be anything to serious, not when he said he would contact me first thing this am and it is now 1:09 and I have not heard anything.HMMM

In fact I found out about the whole mess cause I had contacted him while working through AIM, and then yesterday found out about him calling me the same way, so either time, he di dnot contact me first.

The things is, I was not sure about probabation, as I am an Independent Contractor and I do not think it works the same as an "outside job' anyway I did pull my contract out last night and it says nthing in writing about what I did, that I can or can't do that.

Jeff has said since I have not heard anything and he never contacted me, to just not contact him about that particular subject and see if he brings it up. He is not a very good manager anyway. I can never get him to return my emails, so I am lost as to things to do anyway.

As for everything else. Everyone is doing good. JJ started back to school last Friday. Derrick will start on Monday and he has his surgery next week....YIKES.

I have an appointment for my consult for my breast reduction. Jeff and I talked it over and instead of me having to wait until next May, I will do it over Christmas Break, that way he will be home to help with the kids, and when the kids go back to school, I will be able to drive.. and thsi will allow me to hunt during hunting season as the seanson ends Jan 1, so I will only miss about 2 weeks of it or so and by then it is too cold fo rme to go...lol So hopefully I will only have these big ole girls a few more months and than will be rid of them. I am a size H, hoing to go to a Full B or Small C. So I will have to wait and see.

I will also be working on getting in shape and toning my stomach up before the BR. I plan on checking a few places for ellipical trainers I love those machines. Preferable somewhere I can put it on Lawaway. I also want to get the Billy blanks BootCamp. I would love the Ab lounge.

Well Derrick is finally alseep and I think I am gonna lay down for a little while before I go to work and he wkes up. Just wanted to let you know what the situation was so far.
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I am so scared 08-08-2005 - 07:59 PM
Oh my gosh, I have gotten into trouble at work and the bad thing is I was just doing what I was told we could do. I hvae to have a meeting witht he big guys tomorrow on the phone. I was told today that I would not have my contract terminated at this time, but that left me wondering what the heck was to happen.

MY manager would not go into to details with me, just told methat we would discuss this tomorrow. SO now I am all worried and freaking out.

I cna't loose this job, if I do we will be in a mess.

See the thing is, I was told during my trainging, that we could do whatever we wanted to our accounts as long as we did not make our own orders.

SO that is what I did, I set my account up and settings and all and now I am in trouble for doing.


AHH, I really can't loose this job, this will put us under completely. I am so upset, and scared.
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I am LOOSING MY MIND 08-03-2005 - 07:39 AM
I will before my kids go back to shcool. What was I thinking, taking Derrick out of daycare, before JJ went back to school. Those kids are at each other throats before I even wake up. I can hear them and I think Oh Loard, I do not want to get out of bed and face the day.

Then all day it is Derrick screaming nad pitching fits, over something Jj did and if JJ is not paying him attention, then Derrick is on JJ, trying to agg it on. All Day, it is me, saying Derrick stop, don't, Jj don't do that, Boys go to your room, Derrick stop pitching that fit,, Derrick don't bite your bother, JJ do bother you brother, The same thing all; day long....I am literally going crazy. I look forward to the time that Jeff ggets home, so I can lock myself in my room and work for 3 hours away from everyone.

Is this bad of me, am I being a bad mom. I cna't wait for school to start. JJ starts THIS FRIDAY....then Derrick will not be as bad. But will still haev problems. Then he starts preschool on the 15. Oh Will I ever make it till then. It is times like these, when I am actually glad I had the hyst, despite the probs I went through.
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Went to the Dr 07-30-2005 - 07:30 AM
Well I went to the Dr yesterday evening after Jeff got home. When I went to go earlier I had to go grocery shopping as well (spent 200.00..OUCH) andmom was watching the kids. Well there was gnna be an hour and half wiat. I was like No way.

So I went after I got off work. they gace me a script for nystatin poweder which I will be getting filled today. And the actually counsled me on getting a breast reduction, asked how long this has been going ona nd I told them. Asked if I it documented and I told them yes and they said I was a shoe in for ht surgery, should not have any probs getting insurance to pay and I was a good condidate. This I was not expecting them to do.

Jeff will just have to deal. He is not the walking with this much weight. They probably had 5-15 lbs on my weight I bet. My mom always told me not to get discourged with my weight to take off 20 lbs for breast...lol. No he will have to deal, I am not going through another summer like this.

Do I want to have another surgery. Heck no. I have 4 since last April 04. No I do not want any more recovery, but I am miserable and I know the surgery will help. So yes I will be having another one, just got to figure out the right time to do it.

Part of me wants to do it now. But I am working and do nto ned to take anymroe time off at the moment. Derrick is having surgery in a few weeks, I start school 8/22 and then wehave hunting season. (Got to be able to hunt), and well I have had one MAJOR surgery that as you know took me for ever to heal from, not sure I want to do it again this year, but if I do it at the start of next year, then we will have the deductble to meet and in away I do not want to do it, when it is really cold. Plus I will not beable to pick up Derrick. Maybe if I can hold off, till about May, when school is out, so My older son will be home to help with Derrick. Justnot sure whent o have it done.
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Enough already 07-29-2005 - 09:20 AM
That is what I seem to be crying and screaming lately.

1) we have the issue with my teeth, if you have been following my kournal then you knwo the trouble. Well I had a tooth worked on last week and well now that tooth is abscese seems the decay was so close to the nerve it needs a root canal. I just spent 980.00 on the getting the decay out and a crown on it, now I need another 800.00 for a root canal, I am on atntibiotics again and pain meds once again.

2) I have rather large breast. Well you can decide I am a 42 EE. Yeah big I know. I hate them. I have bad backaches and neckaches as well as yeast infections under them every summer. I am looking into a breast reduction, but will wait until next year. But I am writing this today cause I am at the moment waiting for my mom to come over so I can go to the Dr for my yeast nfection. I have had it under both breasts for 3 weeks,e very cream and powder I have tried has not worked and now (Sorry this is gross) I am having to wipe green gunk off of one of my breast. For those who are lucky enough no to endure this. It is painful. They burn, the itch, a bra hurts. It is terrible. but i wil be going to the Dr today for this and hopefully things will impove. But as I say in the titel ENOUGH ALREADY.

We are also so broke. OMG. I check are accout yesterday and well I messed up somewhere and we had a -286.00 our account. Thankfully Jeff gets paid today, but this puts us really low on money this payperiod and we have to buy school clothes and supplies with this check. I guess I will be holding off on aymore dental work for a while, as we just do not have the money. My work hrs have been cut down since we took Derrick out of Daycare, so that does not help any.

Jeff seems to be distant from me for some reason. he does not want me to have this Breast reduction, but he can't expect me to continue like this either can he.

Marlyin. I did get your email, I just had not have time to really reply. I did reply to your PM. I have missed you sweetie.

I have thouht about a lawyer and seeing what could be done, and I only have about 8 months left to do anything. I am not sure why I keep waiting, for one I do not want to relive that part again. It was agony for me and well I just want to forget it. Although I do not wnat this Dr messing anyone else up either.

Well I need to go get ready so I can be ready when my mom gets here, I have to go to the Dr and go buy some groceries, as we have NOTHING to eat.
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Today 07-26-2005 - 09:23 PM
Well I could not think of a title. WHat have I done today, well I have cleaned alittle bit. Worked some.

But mostly I am really enjoying my time with Derrick. Not to sound mean but will really enjoy it when JJ goes back to school. See I had my hyster in May 2004. Could not take care of Derrick after that, and JJ was home for the summer and was bascially his caretaker while Jeff worked. THen as you know I had all those problems and I never could really do anything with Derrick. I could with JJ, such has pkay games and talk, but well Derrick is younger and demands a certian other kind of attention. Then I had my surgery in Jan. A week later Derrick was at my moms all day long and then in March went to Daycare all day.

Yesterday was the first day back home all day. I was able to do more with him and it was so nice. Now the commetn about JJ going back to school. When he goes I will have Derrick for a week all day just us. Then he will start preschool, where he will go 5 days a week for 3 hrs a day. But I am excited. The last time I was with Derrick by myself, was May 14 2004. That was the Friday before my surgery. So you can guess we really need some time together. But these last few days have been really nice.

And Derrick is growing nad learning something new everyday. It seems everyday there is a new word or something and it is just amazing. I did nto get this with JJ. I had to go to school and work and was young and just did nto realize until it was too late what I was missing. I am enjoying not missing this with Derrick. I did feel robbed there for awhile, since my mom was keeping him all the time and then daycare, cause I was not able to be there and my mom would call me when he did soemthing she had never seen to tell me and well it hurt. But now I am slowly getting back. I am slowly becoming mom again. Still not the old Kim, but I do not think I will ever be. Too much has happened in the past year for me and I do not think I will ever be the same. But I can be a new me. I can start over and that is what I plan today.... I hope.

I know I could nto have made it this far with for one God, but also without the love and support that I have found here within this website. And for that, I thank you all.

Now there is a new problem, well it is old, but I have not really thought much of it. And the winning topic is Sex. I am wondering what that is. I never seem to want it anymore. Do not care for it and well you get the hint. I think Jeff and I have only done it like 4 maybe 5 times since my hyst and well the last time really hrut. The Dr who fixed me, decided to make me smaller and well I think he made me too small and it was just not right. Perhaps I have to break it in (I know TMI) but I am not sure. I feel kinda wierd calling the Dr to ask him about it. Oh well.

Maybe that will come back to me soon as well. But to be honest, right now I am just as glad that it is not here....SHHH don't tell JEff that, he has been making comments here lately. Think he is ready again...

Well for now I am gonna go do some training with work and see if I can go to sleep. Man am I hot. He is terrible out this way.

Love to all
Kim
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I am ging back to school 07-25-2005 - 08:55 PM
Yes I have made my mind up. Paid the Deposit, Scanning the Enrollment agreement as I type.

I will be attending Kaplan Univeristy Online. I received financial aid and everything. Wil be going for an Associates in Business Management with a emphasis in Accounting.

I am currently enrolled in Ashworth College in online courses for associates in health Care management and I will continue to persue that. I like to learn. And I do have a GPA of 4.0 at the moment, Just have not done any work since my last surgery. although I have picked the book up again, so that is a start.

But I am not sure if that is the area I want to go into, but will keep it as a back up. I do want to be a nurse or Dr, but can't really go outside to school at the moment. So I figured this would be a good start and well Kaplan is so much mroe advanced than Ashworth, I even have to write a thesis, I have no idea how. So I thouht I can try this and if I can succeed, then I will see about going to a college here and trying for nursing or something.

I have decided to do this for me. What started it was I went to my cousins Farwell Party yesteday. We are about the same age difference as my 2 boys and well my mom babysat here from the time she was 6 weeks old to ike 14. So we grew up together. She is leaving to go to college and UGA. Fo those who do not know. University of Georgia. She is now a Bulldog. I was a little teary for several reasons, one she is like a sister and I will miss her, but she is getting to do something I was not able to do. No I have no regrest, but I do miss things that I was unable to do. I had a child, so therefore I could not go off to college or to a good school I went to tech school and while it is good, I never got an Associates.

So I have been thinking the last few weeks, ever since I got her invitation. Why can't I go back and get an Associates, even if it is to say I did it. So I am.

NOw for my cousin, I will miss her terribly, but she went to school here for 2 years and will only be gone for 2 years and then she wil be back and be able to teach. She will make a great teacher. She graduated with Honors and is very smart and caring and understanding. Who knows she may even have Derrick one day. We also plan to go and watch some of the football games up there with here. She will be staying in a house with our other cousins sep daughter, so it is family all around.

Well I am gonna get and try to stay coole, here I am with hot flashes and wehave triple digits temp and triple digits heat indexes...UGH.
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well been MIA, Lots to talk about, what a weel 07-23-2005 - 12:51 PM
Yes I have been MIA but I am ok. THings have een really rocky for me the last few weeks. Firs the tooth that I finally got fixed, well I had to go back 3 times cause it was still giving my problems. Well it is still hurting. It is a front tooth and hurts to bite into anything. Dentist told me the other day to lets give it a few more weeks. Have no idea as to why it is hurting.

Then. ON July 7 I had a tooth broke, there was no saving it, I had t get it surgical cut out. WE did this on July 11. Well July 13 I was calling the dentist back and was heading there again. I was in so much pain. The Cause? An infection. Great. Well I was in pain for a while. Derrick had his 3rd birthday party on fri July 15 and I did not want to do it. I was in so much pain.

Then on Mon july 18, I had yet another dental appt for a decay, buildp and crown. when they took the old crown off they had to do some kind of electo oral surgery on the tissue, not sure what it is called. Anyway, got that done and then went back to the dentist on Thursday July 21 due to very bad pain at the site of that tooth. The Cause? An infection as well as the electro thing. Well I forgot one important detail. I have mitral valve prolapse and Ia m suppose to have antibiotics done BEFORE dental work. So this was the cause of the infection. I am on antiobiotics now. I have been taking darvecet and Tordaol around the clock since July 7 for my toth pain. They will not even give me anymore Toradol (guess they think I am now a drug addic, but in order for me to work, I have to tak the m both, or I can't talk)

I do have mroe than enough darvecet and my GP had given me 3 refils on them, and I have 3 bottles at the house now + denerol + tynelo with codene and then on Thursday the Dr gave me something that I got filled, that I have never heard of called Ultram. I have not took that yet as I have never had it and I have alot of allergies, needless to say I am also taken mortin inbetween the pain meds, that is how much pain I am in. I think tooth pain is the worse, I do not think I even took my pains meds like this after my last sugery in Jan and that was a bad one.

I mean I hate taking pain meds, I hate the way they make me feel. But I have to talk to work and if I hurt to bad to talk ,t hen I can't work and we need the money so bad.

Well then I found out Thursday evening that my mom has Pulminary emphazema as well as lung damage. This has really scared me to the point where I am gonan try to stop smoking with her.

Oh and Derrick has to have surgeyr on Aug 17 for a branchial cleft cyst. It is a little hole in his neck that he was born with.I was told not to worry about it unless puss starting coming out. Well it did, so we took him to the Dr who sent us to his ENT. The problem with this is that it runs down a gland and as he grows, he will grow with his and could cause airway obstructions and if it is open a the end, it could cause heart infections. So they will be going in to do a (have to get the papers) Branchial Cleft Sinusectomy where they will be removing this thing. They will also be doing a Esophagoscopy to check for any possible signs of internal damage from this as well as Laryngoscopy to check that area as well. And I found this out on July 19.

As you can see this has not been a good week at all. I am still in the depth of despair, depression, whatever you want to call it, but I am managing. Althought the last few weeks I have been lying in crying in pain. I did buy the new harry Potter book and read that (I lvoe to read) so I see this has a good omen,since I was acutally doing something I once loved that I had not done in a while. And I am fixing to go to school with Kaplan Univesity for a Associates in Business Admin with a concetration in Accounting/management. So I am doing things that will help me . I guess you can say. Althouht I will admit I am scared about going back to school.

I took derrick out of daycare. He will be home for about 2 weeks and then will start preschool. This will really save us money, as the daycare was 94.00 a week (although it was for 7 hours) and the preschool with be 85.00 a month (although it is 3 hrs a day 5 days a week), but I think I will actually work more than what I was when he was in daycare. Right now I am working fomr like 10-12, 1-2, 3:30-5 that was 17.5 hrs. I got off I would eat at 12 go back for an hour, then pick up Derrick and then go back to work, I did nto want to work until 7 cause Derrick had not been home all day and I would want to spend time with him (the hrs I work are between 10-7) so with the preschool. I will work 10-12 and then either 3-6 or 3-7 which is more hours.

JJ starts school in 2 weeks and well I just hope we have a better year then last year. I am alittle upset, I took him to the therapist on May 30 and then testing a week later, they just called me to tell me his test results were in and made an appt for me to go and find out the results. I was hoping he would get in some good sessions before the start of shcool. Oh well.

Well sorry this was so long, I had a bit to cathc up on. I promise I will try to write more often as well as read others journals. I can't surf the web or anything when I am working, ut we plan on getting a laptop soon and then I will be able to.

But for now I sit here in pain, feeling bad due to the pain meds and well wanted to come here and tell all my sisters hi and to let you all know I was still alive and kicking. I seem to be more lately and not sure why. I think my hormones needs to be adjusted or perhaps cause I am going through so much and in so much pain, who knows

I also love what has been done to the site and the upgrades, but I htink they meed to add one very useful tool...SPELLCHECK...lol
Love too all
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My Baby Turns 3 07-15-2005 - 03:30 PM
Today my little baby turns 3. Well he is not a baby anymore is he. Oh Why do they have to grow up so fast. I love the things he does now as a toddler,um well preschooler actually, but I miss having the little baby. It seems that last year and this year I have been a little more emotional than I should for his birthday. Ever since hte hyster. Perhaps it is because I know this is my last child. I am not sure.:cry:

I feel selffish in a way, but I am happy and excited for him. Atleast now he is at the age where he knows what it is about and can be excited about.

I have also updated his webpage, I will be updating again sometime after his party and I wll be adding new things. I will let you know when I have it updated agian. For now you can go to

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dwp/

Hugs and LOve to my Sisters...YAYA
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WOW 07-09-2005 - 02:55 PM
Ok So this is the first itme to the site since the upgrade, I came on here the day of the upgrade, but it was donw at the time.

THis is Really nice, Kathy and all did a great job, love the new feeatures, but will take some getting use too...lol
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Prayers Please 07-09-2005 - 02:54 PM
AS if I did not have enough on my plate. I copied this from another board, to keep form having to retype it.
My son Derrick was born with many problems, all of which has healed. Thank God.

Now he has a birth defect in his neck. It looks like alittle hole in his neck. I was told how to care for it when he was born and that usually there are no problems. That I would need to worry about it, only if it starts seeping puss.

Well he has started. OH my Gosh, it is terrible. I took him to the Dr. They explained that there is a gland that is connected to this defect and that most of the time, the hole stops at the next, but sometimes, it can go down further and follow the gland.

I have to make an appt with an ENT next week as they need to find out how far it goes an where and if it closes.

IF it does not close than he will have to have surgery to repair it. Or it could lead to an inection within his heart. Right now it is infected and they have him on strong anitbiotics.

I am scared right now and really worried. Yes I know it would be same for any child, but Derrick was my miracle baby, they said it would not happened and it did, then I was put on bedrest for 10 weeks and we almost lost him once, then when he was born, he had a hole in his heart, could not regulate his blood sugar, was very sick with an infection and we almost lost him again. I am very protective over him.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers.
Thanks in advanced
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The truth 07-02-2005 - 11:45 AM
O so I was reading the comments in my last entry and well

Jadehog said somehting htat was so true and it was like she was describing me.

THe truth, on the outside and my voice, you would think nothing was wrong with me. BUt if you look inside, you would see a lonely, scared little girl, you would hear me screaming. See I have to put up a front, otherwise, my DH does not understand. He does not understand why I am not happy with my life, or why it takes so much effort to do the checkbook or pay the bills, or go to work or get dressed, shower, do housework, or just even get out of bed.

It seems I have fallen into the I can't sleep at night routine but could sleep all day, if I could. SOmething is weird though, sometimes I seem to stay up on purpose, something about being alone, but yet at the same time, I do nto want to be alone and well when I am working I am in my room alone, so what gives on that.

Have I done the checkbook yet, Nope, what did I do, I came here, to let it all out. Maybe after I let it all out I will feel better and can do the checkbook, but it seems like such a daunting task. Condsering ther eis an error and I KNOW I need to do this. How can you know you NEED to do someting, but can't do it.

I am also having problems again and may be having to go back to the good old Dr once again. It seems I have another bulge down there. Dh and I had sex twice and well it hurt each time, no it was uncomfortable, cause well I am tighter, but now I have a bulge, the same as before. I am also leaking again and wetting the bed. I am in menopause.

Gosh Darn it. I am only 30. I was not suppose to have to have a hyst at 29. I was not suppse to be infetile and be in MENOPAUSE at 29. I was suppose to be in my child bearing years, able to produce a child if we wanted, but no that was taken from me, within a few hours. I went to the hospital May 18 2004 at 5:45 am, I went in with everything and was able to have children, have periods, have my HORMONES, was taken to the or, with everything in tact at 6:30, by7:30, an hour later, I was missing everything that would allow me to have a baby, a normal balanc ein my life. Yes I knew 3 week before hand, but that did not make it easier.

I am not suppose to be leaking or wetting the bed, I should not have had to go through this. That Dr, did more to me, than just a hysterectomy, she totally messed my life up. I don't feel pretty or sexy, how can I, whne I wet the bed or my pants. I don't feel young, I can be intimate with my Dh or sleep with him in fear of wetting the bed. I have lost all of my girlfriends, cause I never want to do anything.

Half that time I feel as if I am loosing my friends here. To be honest, I feel so alone, so out of touch with society. Right now I want to crawl in the bed. But I know tha tis not good for me. I need to be doing something, but can't.

I have started so many projects lately, just to throw them to the side cause I don't have the energy for them.

I can't stand the heat anymore, so right now Dh adn my 2 boys are outside, I should be out there with them, but the heat bothers me to much.

Am I denial here. Or what. I am having good days, but it always seems the bad days out weigh the good. Right now my Therapist does not want to give me meds, she wants to try talking, well that helps, but I feel I may need someting more. Dh does not want me on anything nor does he want me seeing someone. He thinks you should handle your problems by yourself, you should not pay anyone to talk. SO I am hiding this from him, or he would have a fit.

Oh well. I am getting sleepy, so either i will lay down and get osme coffed and try to do the check book.

With love
Kim
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WEll not so good over here 07-01-2005 - 10:35 PM
I tell you what I am not doing so good on this end, these days.

I am back in the depression again. Trying/ rather having to force myself to do all my daily things I have to do.

I have evne had to force myself to be wiht my kids at times. That stinks.

Derrick is really sick, JJ is being a real pain. Just so many things.

I have not done the ckbook in decades, well 3 months andnow I have a 200.00 or more error and I can't even motivate myself to do that, when that is something that needs to be done.

Not sure what the probs have been. I did kick Jeff out of the room, cause I just could nto sleep with him.

I have not had much lseep this week due to Derrick , SO for the most part of the week I have felt drained and tired, exhauseted and BLAH,

Here's hoping to a better week
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Things seem better these days 06-26-2005 - 09:14 AM
Sure I have my ups and downs, that is only normal. BUt things seems to be better. I am not have as many "meltdowns" as I had been.

I seem to be more relaxed and this feels good. I know I am not completly healed from my depression and I know there wil be the bad and the good days. But here's hoping to mroe good, than bad.

I also finally have a new tooth. I got that nagging front tooth fixed (2000.00) for it, and now I have crowns on the 4 front teeth on top, they are all white and straight and I find myself smiling more.

Still have 14 teeth to go and about 11,000 left to spend, but they are gonna do 1 to 2 teeth at a time and let me pay those off in payments, when those are paid, I can get done more. Still would be a little while to get them done, but not as long as if I would have to save all the money.

Jeff did move bakc into bed with me, and it has been nice, but he has gottent he eviction notice. He willmove back the couch tonight. Only because my night sweats are effecting his sleeping and now when they wake me up, I have to leave the room and well I am getting less sleep than I was before. So we ahev decided that perhaps it is still too early and maybe we should give it a little while longer. sad to say, but we have to do what will be best and give us the best rest.

I am working mroe than every right now, trying to save money for my teeth. I also was offered anothe project for Working Solutions (that is the good company, the pay you by the hour if you get no calls company) and I put in for another project for them and will know next week. I would like tog et it so I can work for them 24/7, instead of 10-7 m-f.

When I am not working for them I working my other jobs with HSN or Live ops. That is not bringing money in as fast as I would lke, but it isstill giving us something.

Well sisters. I wanted to let you all know I am doing ok. I will post mroe later, took off work today an d gonna go outside with the family.
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I will be having surgery AGAIN 06-25-2005 - 10:41 AM
YIPPEEE, no relaly I am , just not sure when at the moment

Adter all of the thigns that has happend, and all of the surgies I did not want to endure, nad thus the reasons I had to have them.

I have decided I am finally gonna do something for me.

I will at some point in the next year (I know long time span) will be having a breast reduction along with a tummy tuck.

I have wanted a breast reduction for years and never done it.

But if I cna handle what has been thrown at me the past year, then I can handle a breath reduction and Tummy Tuck.

There are of course parts of me that are scared, the usually surgeyr related, but also apart of what if I don't like. Of course I do not see how I will not like.

I will be calling a surgeon next week to set up a consult, I will probably see a couple of them to get a feel of who I like and their prices. I know ins. will pay for the reduction, or atleast they would have 3 years ago...lol

If on;y I could find somewhere would do it pro bono, or call Dr. RObert Rey with Dr. 90210

I will keep you informed ont he details
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When will I ever sleep with my husband again 06-17-2005 - 10:13 PM
Ok so it has been let's see.
Sine March 2001 since I have slept in the same bed as Jeff. Now we have slept in the same room, up until my last surgery.

In March my acid reflux got so bad, that I could no longer lay flat, so I to resort to the recliner. I had surgery for that in Aug 01, still was not able to lie flat, due to swelling. THen I got pregnant in Oct 01. By the time I was able to lie flat again, I could not anyway duet o being so big, so I never left the recliner.

By then are bed was broke (it had been used for storage...lol) So we stayed where we were, altough by then I coudl no longer sleep int he recliner due to my back and neck, so I moved to the couch and Jeff to the recliner.

We moved into our new home in May 2002, still in the living room, I on the couch, Jeff in the recliner. Guess it became habit. Well My mom and dad got a new boxspring and mattress and we got theres, so are bed was fixed. We still never slept in it though.

THen I had my hyst in May and my room was my recovery room, I spend abotu 4 weeks in the bed surround by my pillow mountains before I went back to the couch. We were gonna move back to the bed after a few months, but then the night sweat became horrindus and then the bedwetting and well I was ashmaed, I did nto want to wet the bed with him in there, so we never moved to the bed.

THen came the surgery in Jan, Since I came home from the hopsital Jan 19 2005. I have been in the bed surrounded by my pillow moutains. We were gonna wait awhile, cause I did nto want him kicking or poking me in or near my bottom.

And now I am not worrie dabotu that, but I have started wetting the bed again...WHY and my hot flashes and night sweats are terrible.

So I am afriad of him sleeping with me, as mucha s I need and want the closeness of him at night, I do not want to wet him, I don't want to keep him up all night due to my tossing nad turning and the covers going off and on from night sweats.

What am I suppose to do, never sleep with my husband again. I called the Dr about my hormones. Since I came off the estratest my hot flashes nad night sweats haev INCREASED, but we are saving money and my aggression is not as bad, but my Dr will not even discuss the hormones issue until Setp.Oct, he said I need to be on them taht long, to see how they are really gonna help, after that time, thenwe can look into hacning them

I am on 1.25 of Premairn a day and he gave me some premarin cream to use, but I am unsure about using it. I am afriad it will be messy and I will have to use a pad or something at night (which by the way I tossed) so well I am unsure of it.

I have thought about going back on the estratest, but then I would have more money to pay out monthly as well as the possible aggression, but I had less night sweats and more engery. HMM I just do not know what to do.

Thgouth abotu stopping the premarin and taking the Estrin D, or something like that.

Oh well. I guess I need to call him about my bed wetting. I am not leaking during the day and I have wet the bed 7 times since march

3 in march but I was dreaming of using the bathroom.

Twic ein may and twice in June. And I usually am so wet, I have to take a shower. It is depressing me, but i am keeping a diary of it.

One thing I have learned here is keep records pf everything.

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Today is a down day 06-12-2005 - 12:44 PM
WEll I did manage to go to the gym twice last week and I managed to work my whole week and the shifts I scheduled, even scheduled an extra hour on Friday. And I have pretty much worked all weekend.

But today is a down day, not sure why, but it is.

Oh well I guess it is normal to have oyu rups and downs, or maybe because I worked until midnight last ngiht and did not get to sleep till clsoe to 2 and then was up at 7 working again. I am planning on taking a nap after I get done at work.

Hey I am looking for a place for a webpage, anyone know a good site
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I did something else and regretting gym.... 06-08-2005 - 07:47 AM
OK so I regret the gym, though I will continue to force myself to go atleast twice a week.

Mainly regret due to being very, very SORE. But that goes with the course.

I did something else yesterday. I helped finish cutting the grass. I have not done that in forever and forgot how much I enjoyed it.

Today. I am working. I have also made a list for JJ to do today.

Since he will will not try and doe snot want to go to summer school. Me and JEff has decided he WILL NOT sit around all summer and watch movie and play video games.

I made him a list of things to do. What he does not get done today, it will carry over tomorrow. Our house is a mess, mostly because i have not cleaned and I have been sick and well I usually work from 10-7 in most cases by that time I want to spend time witht he fmaily not clean. Jeff does something, but JJ does nothing. SO he now has a list.

Also we are printg out worksheets for him to do as well. In hi s trouble areas, he will have atleat 2 to do a day.

He is 13, there should be no reason why he can't clean the kitchen or the bathroom or vaccuum. SO he said he did not want to go to summer school, cause he did not think he could pass. He told me he wanted to be in 6th grade again. ok that is fine, but I bet he will have wished he did go to summer school.

Now some may think I am being to harsh, but I feeel as if I do not teach how to clean or make him do these things, then I am not doing him justice. And whie some may say, You should force him to go to summer school, I will not force him, sicne he does not want to go and thinks he can't pass, just to loose out on the money we do not already have. Beside he failed, not becaus ehe could nto do the work, he can, but because he would not do the work, and we are talking homwwork, classwork, even tests, he did not do

WEll I need to get off here and go do something for work. I will talk to everyone later.
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A hard day at work 06-08-2005 - 07:11 AM
Man first off what a day my first day back. It is surprising to me how bad I really was. I had to hold my temper on a call, but I did end up Crying.

See I work out of my home for a company (PM for more detail, now that I am doing something, I cna actually respond. I know I have been asked before, but can't remember who asked) anyway. WIth this particular company (I love) well I answer phone calls for Viking.com. I take their orders and process them and help them with other things. Guess you could say it is a Customer Service/Sales Position. Anyway I had been off a week. And so I started bakc yesterday and decided to start slow (since I was not sure how my tooth would feel) so I scheduled 2 hours in the am and 2 in the PM.

The Am shift went find, I found myself, fighting, cause I did not want to be there and well I was not talking in chat like I had been. (Oh by the way, everyone here is like family with this company. I have had so many prayers thrown my way, we have a message board and it is great. Even had emails from my coworkers asking me how I am feeling) But it went smoothly.

SO I started the afternoon shift at 4, was gonna work 4-6. Was going really good and then the call from H-E- double hockey sticks came in. WE get calls like this , but mostly they know what they want nad are preapred. BUt I have never gotten a call this bad.

First this cust wanted to play around with her coworkers while ordering from me. Then she would tell me what she wanted and say what page. Where I would have to look in my book nad tell her what page to go to. THen she had me chaged qtys several times.Every item was like this. And see if you spend over a certain amt, you get free gifts. SO then she decided all those items, she wanted to put on different orders so she could receive gifts with every order. SO I had to copy all of the SKus, and then do orders, 3 different ones.

Then she wanted to order a desk. (All the while playing nad joking with her cowrokers) she searched for a desk, would discuss it with another worker and this went on for ever. Finally decided she would not order the desk.

Then told me she had something to return, so I had to do that, then wanted me to fax her every invoice she Which was over 20. By this time I was in tears. She had me so mad (hormonally mad), the call lasted 53 mins nad 15 secs.


UGH
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I did something today :-) progress maybe? 06-07-2005 - 01:03 PM
I just ad to write about this.

I went to the gym today. Yes I went to the gym and I have worked some today.

And I have a book called HOw to Study the Bible for yourself. I started reading it and taking note today as well.

I have actually done something other than lay in bed and cried today.

I will admit, getting to the gym was hard, and working and reading the book, I seemed to have gotten into a habit or laying bed and I have missed that today. BUt right now it is 1:59 pm and I have not been in the bed since I got up this moring.

It is hard, I am fighting the temptation to crawl back into bed, until my next shift, but I am fighting it.

While I do not feel as good as I thought I would after getting up and doing something. Once again. I can't expect to change over night and I can't let not chaning over night get me back down either. I have to get up and move. (I even took a shower today, this may be gross, but I had actually not taking a shower or washed my hair in almost a week nad half, that was how bad I was getting) but I took one today (that did feel good)

I still have no energy and sulky and sad, but I feel that this may be the right step in the right direction.

Julia, if you read this, can you possible send me the link to the website you sent me with the 7 day course , did not save it and I had changed emails and did not go back to it.

Als Moonchime, if you are out there are you okay. I have not heard anything from you and was thinking about you the other day.
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I have a dream 06-06-2005 - 10:29 PM
but I fear that my fear will get in the way. I SO want to be a dr. I want to be a OBGYN, I so what this. I have wanted this for so long, even before my hyst.

I have went through the app process for schools, but always chicken out. And now I am 30 nad with family and fear that I could nto do this. And do the rotations and everything else. But this is my dream, I use to give my barbies IV's' when I was growing up (with a pencil).

But with my age and our financial troubles, Gee Iwould be like 40 before I became a DR.

I am frustrated this evening and have been thinking about this alot, so thought I would write. Not sure what I am writing, except I want this so bad, but I do not think Jeff would support me on this either.

I want to go to school. I want to go to med school, if not that nursing school.

Oh well it is late and I should try to sleep. had to go back to the dentist today, my tooth was still hurting, he can't get all the root out, so he put me through misery today trying, then put soemthing in there that would like kill any root left, I have had a bad, awful taste in my mouth all day long and of course I am in pain right now.

Jeff will not be going to summer school. He will be repeating the 6th grade. I just decided that he does not want to try, he does not want the help, therefore, nothing I do, will change that. If I force him to go to Summer SChool, well I feel he would not even try. Does this hurt me, yes it does. But I have fought for him my whole life and I was told there has to be a time that I stop, that I let him take control of his life, I can't do it forever, he has to be the one to want this. I can want this for him all the time, but until he wants, what I want will not happen. As a mother, this hurts.

On the other hand, Derrick is showing great smarts. He is so into reading. He want to SLEEP WITH HIS BOOKS. ANd the daycare told me he was way ahead of his other peers in the group. He almost knows all his letter and can almost sing the whole abc song. He knows hi numbers to 20, he can add 1+1 and 1+2 and 2+2, he can read the word Cat, Bat, Hat and his name. I just recently started writing the ABC's in Caps for him in one color and he traces them with another and is getting pretty good. NOw JJ was not this good nad well I am not sure what is the norm, but he will be 3 in July and can do all this. Help me out here, experienced moms, is this good for his age.

HE is funny. He has an attitude, he is his father all the wya with my good looks...lol And boy can he use the computer. He has a very vivid imagination. He sees green dinasaurs, pigs chasing us, all kinds of things. He also can make pretty much every animal sound you can think of and if you have ever gottent he email (which I am sure you have) about the mad cow disease, well he can make that sound as well.

I am just hoping he continues. I encourage him to read, I go to the dollar store and buy abotu 5 books a paycheck and I give him a new book every week. We play with flashcards and tracing letters nad numbers, he seems to love to learn. I like that.

WEll I said I was gonan go earlier and it appears I did not do this. SO I guess I will go now. I think I will go check out ebay, we are consdiering selling on it. Either that or crawl in bed with a book, we have a strom coming in and I could read withmy book light and enojy the lighting coming in through the windows. Plus I am hungr. I only hate one thing today and that wa ssupper. It seems I never eat anymore. I know this is bad. I also can't seem to remember to take my meds either.

Ok on my list of things
eat more and better
take meds

Well I will catch up later. Have a nice night.
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Oh where oh where 06-03-2005 - 06:07 PM
have I gone, oh where oh where can I be.

I know I must be in there somewhere, but where, I just can't find myself.

I did want you all to know that I will be getting help. I will beusing the therapist, that my son is using. She is gonna set up appoints for me through his insurance, under his name, since we would be doing this anyway, for behavior management and such and she will just add an hour to that, for me. She is a wonderful lady.

Yet i do not feel like a burden has been lifted yet. I though once I got through the first step I would feel like I could breathe easier, but yet I can't. I guess I can't expect a quick fix, I know this is not gonna be that.

I am down, pretty much if I go any deeper, I will be ultimately in Australia or somewhere, that is how deep I am in. I sulk, I pout, I cry for no reason, I throw tempertantrums, I act, well I act like someone either in puberty or their twrrible twos or pregnant or maybe a little of all 3.

I even think at times I may have multiple personalities. I just do not know who I am.

There are so many things (I have a list) that I want to do, want to read, want to get done and yet when I find I have the time to do them, I don't. What do I do, I lay in my bed alone, in the dark, with the tv on or dvd going. Yes this week I have been sick, but still. I am feelign a little better and yet, I stayed in my room. I did not get on the pc muhc (still have to reinstall programs I need) I have not worked all week. Today JJ was to go for testing. He was to be there at 12:30 and be done around 4:30pm/

I could not even muster up the strength or courage or desire to take him there. I had to call my 70 yr old father and ask him if he could take him and pick him up for me. I told him I had a pain pil (which I had) and could not drive (which I could, just shouldn't) and now I feel very guilty about this.

I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. And then there is JEff, oh my he is getting on my nerves. Everyday trying to get me to copy mymed records and get them to a lawyer, I just can't do it. I do not want to go through this mess again. I mean well I don't. BUt he keeps persisting. He keeps talking about if we have a case, then we could get the money we need.

Yes we are in serious finanical trouble, about as deep as well austrialia agian. But I do not care about the lawyer or getting money, it would not change anything. It would not change what had happened to me, or what I had to go through, or my feelings and emotions or anything. It would be simply. Oh we are so sorry, he is some money for the trouble you were put through. To me that was not justify anything, it would not make me feel better and the Dr would prbably just get a No NO that is not the way we practice meds, let's try better next time. She would still be there to possibly do this to other patients.

Oh well. I hope that soon I will be able to come i her eand tlak about a happy day. So far all my last entries have been depressing and negative and I want to apologize to all my sisters for this. Please bare with me and I need you all on my side, right now, my sisters here and God are the ones I have, no one else understands or sees it my way. Most of every else have not even been through this. So I need yyou all.


With much Love
Kim
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A broken Heart 06-03-2005 - 08:25 AM
Well JJ failed the 6th grade. I am heart broken but for more reasons then that.

He did pull up is grades, his last 9 weeks reporting, had all bs, 1 a and 1 c, best I have seen in a long time, but he did not dring is Social Studies grade high enough, thus failing the grade with a 64 yearly average.

Jeff said I could send him to Summer school if I wanted. Mom and dad were gonna help pay for it.

SO I told JJ this morning, well he is not happy, does not want to go to summer school. Thinksm, if he stays in 6th grade next year then he will nto have to deal with the kids that are messing with him. I told him they would still be in the same school, no matter what grade he was in.

This breaks my heart. As a mom, this hurts, as a mom, I want him to go to 7th grade, I don't want to hear about the other guys doign things to him, or he not having any friends.

But as a person, looking outside the box, well I see someone who does not care. I can see why the kids do the things they do. I can see that maybe it would not be logical to put him in summer school, when he does nto want it and well you can't help anyone who does not want it.

But then we come bakc to the mom part. Jeff tells me to let it go, not to worry, it is his life. I feel, yes part of it is his life, but until age 18 or whatever I am responsible for that life. So it away it is my life. What I see is someone who mat regret staying back another year, when he gets to Graduate and will b e2 years older than the other kids. I see a kid who will not be able to move up to the youth group at church cause they go by grades. I see someone who may be ridculed even more by being behind.

Then again I fear that if he were to pass, then he was just be even more behind and bever catch up. I feel that he may quit school when he comes to age.

I am so torn in this.
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Agony, Agony, Agony 06-01-2005 - 12:51 PM
Well I had the Root Canal. THe tooth looks great. And that is about all that is going good.

I am in pain the shignles, well yo know, but whie doing the root canal. the tooth broke, the dril cut my mouth, the roof, I now have stiches. I aoke this morning nad it felt like someone had punched me int he mouth.

About 12 pm I called the Dentist, he wants me to come back in tomorrow, seems to think there may be some nerve left in the tooth. I tell you I am in AGONY. I have been crying most the day. THe Darvecet is not helping, having ot wait until I get home from picking Derrick up to take the Toradol.

I have only been drink coffee alld ay. I have not ate, pretty much been in bed JJ has been wonderful, he has offered to fix me somethig to eat, got things for me, checked on me. He has been a darling.

But I am in so much pain. I can't touch that tooth. Even with my toungue or I scream.

UGH. ONCe again have canceled work, they are being very understanding.

I swear I think I could deal witht he pain form my last surgery better than this pain.
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in so much pain 05-31-2005 - 05:53 AM
Well I got up early to get some coffee in me before the kids awoke.

But I am in so much pain, now my ear is also involved, I am still thinking it may be shingles, but just not sure. I am a little scared. Youknow when you are in pain nad not sure what it is from, well it is scary.

On top of this, the dentist today, I am not looking forward to it. I am not working today, so I wish I oculd just rest. Derrick will bein daycare and well I wish I could rest, but I have the therapist appoint nad dentist, and then pain from that.

this feels a little like maybe a sun burn, it hurts for me to touch my skin or for my clothes to touch it nad now my hurts, Iknow that can't dx shingles until they see the rash, btu I am just go on to the meds top at some point today, in case it is not shingles. I would try my Dr, but I am not sure what time I could get in, being I have to get in between the 2 appointments. HMMM
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UMm HI 05-30-2005 - 10:24 PM
Ok so ther ewas no name to this entry. I know i have not been here in little while. Why, perhaps because I am loosing my mind, I am stressed and still depressed. I have had alot goig on as well.

Just to let you know JJ will be going to the Therapist tomorrow. And I will be getting that front tooth fixed tomorrow as well. 1840.00 will be the price....

I am posting something I posted in my work board. as to not have to type it all and well while some of it you may not understand, you will atleast know what I have been faced with.

Oh I am so mad, tired, upset, sick and well whatever else you would like to call it at the moment.

As I am sure most of you have probably read the post on here about another company requiring you to download and program to scna your drive, kinda like a big brother thingy, I can't go into too much detail on the program itself, at least not here. But this program is supposed to not affect your system or anything you do.

If I wanted to work with this company, I was forced to download it, or I would loose my certification. SO I downloaded it very hestitantly.

After that I started noticing problems, I would loose my VPN, I would get pasued with Live ops, my computer ran funny, slower, wierd.

So I tried to unistall this program there was no unistall to it. I tried sys restore, nope it was stuck in the registry and I could not find it there either.

So I decied on Sat, I wold back up my important files and pics and just redo my harddrive, something I have done several times and for years. OK. SO SUnday I started the hedious task. I would get it all done and go to win updates, I would update the pc, then I would get to SP 2, now I have done this several times with no probs on this system.

Well I would do the sp2 and then when it restarted, there would be only a desktop, no start bar, no taskbar no icons. I would have to startin safe mode nad so a restore, I did this 4 tiems yesterday and then 3 today. Then I called microsoft, do you thnk they were any help...NO. So I decided I would start in safe mode and download it, so I would be sure no other programs were running. Nope that did not work.

So what did I do, I had to go out and buy win xp full version wiht sp2 already on it. 199.99 buckaroos.

I have had sys probs now for a week, the other computer the router went out, the we determined I ahd a bad hard drive/pci/mother board and who knows what else, cause it would not hold a internet connection. This started on Tuesday of last week (that program was not on that one) so I was up for days until like 3 am figurig that out so I could work. Finally took the modem in here to this one and well it worked great, until this other program started messing it uo.

SO since Tuesday I have been up til about 3 or 4 am, with these computers, then back up around 6 am. I have had strep throat, pluesry and now I do belive I am getting the shingles. I have had them plenty of times before and know how they start.

I am already ranned down from surgery I had to have in Jan, where they did 8 differetn procedures, took 4 hours and I lost alot of blood, I then had reccurring infections from that, was not even aloud to drive tillalmost April. Dr said it would take me a year to recover from this surgeyr. I am still on iron pills due to loosing so much blood and here I am.

Working 20-26 hours here, 8 with the other and about 10-15 with the other other one. I am dedicated I tell you.

But at the moment I want to cry (I blame this on my hysterectomy and not having any dang on hormones.)

ok I had to vent and for anyone who does work for the other company and downloaded this thing, well you may think your system is fine right now, bbut just be careful. I do not want you to have to go through what I did, but hey, if it does happen, you now have someone who may be able to help.
IP Logged

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kim
Mom to 2 boys, age 13 & 3
The best of all things is to learn. Money can be lost or stolen, health and strength may fail, but what you have commited to your mind is yours forever-Louis L'Amour
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So this has been one hug e messed for me and well now, I still have so much more to add back to the pc, I have it up and running, I have my work stuff in and ready to go on Wednesday. I just need to add docs and some other stuff and add some mroe programs, that will be done later. I do not think I will be in the mood to do this tomorrow afte rmy RCT.

For now I am going to bed, the pain I awoke with this morning, well it was wierd, but then I remember I knew this feeling. It started on top of my shoulder, it only hurt to touch, and I mean just my clothes hitting it. Then it started to move to my neck, then down my neck towards my chest, now my ear hurts, it really hurts for my clothes to touch it and well I am pretty sure it will end of mbeing shingles.

But I will go to bed now, as This is early for me....
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Men 05-22-2005 - 12:56 PM
ok SO we have gotten into another fight, but this fight is something we always get into fights about.

Derrick is sick. He is running a fever betwee 101.8 and 103.4. Jeff thinks it does not warrant a trip to the dr. So we fought, and then the after hours clinic was closed. SO no dr today.

So then I told JEff, that Jeff would not be able to go to Daycare tomorrow and that we needed to figure something out about our work. He has leave, that he can use for no matter what and they do not care. I am new to my job and already missed a week, due to my being sick. Well he said that Derrick can go to Daycare, I said no he ca't he is running a fever.

Jeff's reply, well other parents send there kids to daycare with fevers, I told him, I did not care, those were not my children, Derrick was and by him running a fever that high (which Jeff then interrupted me nad told me that 103 is not that high) that I want Derrick with me or at home with him or with my parents or his parents. Jeff said I was overreacting.

Derrick does not need a dr (Yes Derrick is running around as if he is not sick, yes he does not act sick, but he never does, unless he has the stomach flu.) But a fever of over 103 mean HE IS SICK, with what, have no idea, could just be a viral infection, but I do nto know. I personally think it is a sinus infection cause he has that yellow and green gunk, but I had strep throat last week. I do not want to take the chance of him getting strep.

Ug we always gets into fights about this, just cause one of our kids are running a fever I think they need to go to the Dr or stay home from school. OK I only due this ig there fevers are over 100.4

Derrick ran a fever of around 102.9 all day yesterday and today it has gone as high as 103.4. Ugh I am so mad right now, I am suppose to be working, I already missed 2 hors, but that was because my internet was down, now I do not want to work this next hour....UGH
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WEll I have thought about 05-21-2005 - 02:40 PM
and I want to d something. Mainly cause for one I want others to know how my recovery went, when I was recovery form my hyster, I mainly wrote in my hyster journal, as well as my last recovery. I want to now add themt o my journal, even though they are a year old.

and I also want to add them here, cause I am gonna print my journal and well I want them to be apart of it in one place.

I have thought about typing them and wait till I get them all typed and then pasting them here, but I htink I will add them as I have time, I think it may just help me some as I actually reread them or it may hurt, not sure, but I feel an intense urger to do this.
Also some of these may be pretty long and I do apologize, but I wrote alot during recovery.

SO understand that when I type these, they are a year old, but feel free to add any comments, for any of the newly crowned princesses.
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My feelins today 5.21.05 05-21-2005 - 09:05 AM
Welltoday is not a good day, yestday was not one either.

I am feeling low today. sad. Hopeless. Jeff seems to be creeping further and further away form me and our marriage and well there is nothing I can do at the moment, cause he will not talk to me. just for reference, this has been happening for awhile, even before the deal with JJ.

He does not call me from work anymore, he used to call all the time, now he only calls if he needs to tell me he is staying late and I have to pick up JJ. He has actually said he works so much ause it is les time to be here. When he is here, he is on the computer, or playstation, or outside. I think anything to keep fomr dealing with me and the kids. This hurts and makes me feel worse.

I called him this am, needed to ask a question and well he is really short with me, usually is now. Part of me thinks our marriage will not last much longer. I keep waiting for the wrods, Kim, I want a divorce or there is someone else or I am leaving.

I already feel all alone. I feel as if I have no friends. No one seems to want to talk to me. Even Derrick is becomeing a daddy's boy when he used to be a momma's boy. I know that, that is normal, but it still hurts.

I fee like I am letting everyone I love and care for down. I can't call anyone for help, I can't get professinal help, cause Jeff says that it is useless to PAY someone to talk to. I can't let him know.

I am falling asleep at night about 7 om everynight, I miss telling hte kids good night, but I can't stay awake. I would sleep allday, but I force myself to get up and go to work.

It seems at this point I have no one.

The problems Jj has, Jeff blames on my parents, I blame it on me. I lived with my parents and they had custody, but I was mom, but at the same time, they would not let me be a mom, I wa smore llike a sister. I did not fight them, I was 16 and thought, they are my parents, I can go against them, at the same time, think this is my son, I fight for him, but I never did. Jeff says it is because they did everyone thing for him and there was no discipline, I say it is my fault, cause I did not stand up and fight, I could have made more of an effort, but I did not. I let them take him, I did not fight that, I was more concerend about being a normal teenager. When I should have not been out with friends but home with my son. I screwed up and this is something I will ahev to live with the rest of my life.

I can't have anymore children, this hurts, I am now being told that mourning this or getting upset about this a year later is not good and I need to get a grip. says by someone who said thye had no problem with this and they were my age when they had their hyst, but then again they also put theor first child up for adoption. but more people have told me this. Mom says that if she could do, then so could I. She went through menopause when I was pregnant and that it was rough on here and she did not have HRT and so if she can do it so can I. I tried to tell her that she was 40 something and that her levels dropped gradually, mine were basically ripped from me in an instant and that it is harder like that. SHe said he sid not have any of this problems when she had her hyst, but she kept her ovaries wher I did not..

It seems like everything think my feelings and emotions are not real, they are imagineable. But they are not, they are very real. And it hurts to think they do not think they are real. That I am blowing things out of porportion, but I am not, I know I am not. And this comeos from people who have had hysts or gone through menopause.

I am getting fat, can't fit into my old clothes I am wearing my old maternity clothes, can'y buy new ones.

Even when I got sick last week, I was really sick, they wanted to put me in the hospital, but I chose not to go, for several reason the biggest one being they were addmitting patients and they were having to stay in the ER, cause there were no rooms (my Dhs grandma was in there not long agao, she spend a night in the Er before she got a room) (then My Dhs' grandpa, the one who ahd the stroke, he spent 3 nights in the er, before a room came open, Oh he is doing better by the way) so that was one reason, the other, I knew I would be more confortable in my own bed, now if I could have gotten an iV at home, that would have been great. But thepoint I am getting at is someone even said to me. WHy are ou always sick or having surgeris.

Then last night, before I fell asleep I was watching Dr. Phil special about drug abuse and how on woemn even went thourh unessecceay root canals for pains meds, Jeff popped and said or surgeris.

Ok that is not true and it hurt. Evne if he was joking it hurt, cause I have had peple tell me that my surgeris were not needed.

Ok here is my surgery list since I was born
Tubes 3 times
Tonsilectomy
Wisdom Teeth Cut out
several Laps for endo
Gallbladder surgery (the thing was not working and causing me ALOT of pain)
GERD surgery (I had multipple ulcers in my espohagus, a hitalit hernia bigger than a half dollar)
Endoscopies several times due to my ulcers.
Colonscopies due to polps
Hysterecomy and well you understand that
Appendectomy, ok who can fake that
And this the pelvic floor surgery

None of which wre planned, or faked, I am sorry I hate being put to sleep, I hate pain, I hate the pain pills make me feel. And this hurt when people have told me this. I have been called a hyprchondirac by family members.

I don't know. I guess I will go now, I am working in about an hour.
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All the other things in my life 05-18-2005 - 06:57 AM
Well as if the hysterversary was not enough right, there has to me so much more. It is just the way my life goes.

Ok I do agree with all of you, we need to get help and JJ has an appointment on May 30 with a physcologist. I have already filled out all the paper work. SO we are waiting for that appoint.

Yes My family in is crisis, wonder if we could become the next Dr. Phil Family. I would love to hear what he has to say.

I have told my parents as well as Jeff's parents and of course they both have different views. While one calmy tried to tell me things I had already thought of, my mom cried and well is coming over this morning to talk about things, since Jeff does not know they know. He does not want to tell anyone.. My MIL, talked about how my dad was accused of this to my cousin about 15 years ago, but nothing came out of it, it was determined that it was not my dad, it was her older cousin on her dad's side, but my MIL had to remind me dad was accused. So this hurts and well I can come out and ask my mom.

The deal about getting help, I agree, NOw Jeff does not and will not go, no matter what. Aslo I have a newproblem. I feel like now is the time to surround Jj with all the love we can muster, do things for him, show him we are here for him nad love him and that he is not alone or will not go alone in this. My DH or SO, whichever right now,does not see it this way. He does not want to have onothing to do with him. This hurts. Usually, JJ says his prayrs and then gives me a good night hug and Kiss and then goes to bed, then Jeff goes in there and tucks him in and tells him goodnight and all that. Well Last night Jeff was gonna wait until JJ went to sleep, I kept telling him, Jeff why don't you go know. So I finally got up and did it. Jeff has not really said anything to JJ.

Yes this is hard on me, weather he has been molested himself (which I had thought about), weather this is like a game to him, weather he is doing this and knows what he is doing or weather this girls and boys are lieing. This is hard on me. This is opening up an pandora's box, that I thought and was hoping would stay closed. The rape, JJ real father with the date rape and the abuse, yes this is not easy for me. Does this break my heart, yes, do I or will I turn my back on him, NO. That is not what parents do. And the fact that my Dh (guess you can change what the D means right now, it is not Dear) is turning his back, well it is hurting me even worse and makes me feel alone, cause he does not want to discuss it.

Last night I honestly thought about leaving. I thought that we were married for richer and poorer, in sickness and health and in good times and bad, well it seems that is only reeally here, in richer, health and good times, all the others he wraps himself up in work and then says it is because we need money. Then liek yesterday. He came home from work and got straight on the computer (I had to go back to work, so I came to my room) he sent JJ to his room for no reason, when I got off work, he was still on the computer, we went to get something to eat, he came home got back ont he computer. Woudl not talk to any of us.

I was trying to talk to him about what the plans were for JJs birthday (He turns 13 on Friday) DJ did not want to talk about it, siad we woudl talk about it later and still have not. Then it hurts cause he does not want Derrick around my dad, cause of those prior accusations, so I do nto have a baby sitter if I need one.

My dad has never done anything like that to me or any of my friends,I do not believe he would do that. He has 2 daughters and 1 son, it seems that between the 2 daughters and their friends and all the other cousins that have been to the house, if he was like that, then there would have been alot more than 1 accusation and then that 1 came out to be someone else. Whent hat came out, the therapist she was sseeing told her mom, that whenthey are young like that, they often blame the person they are closest to. My cousins father was never around and we babysit her everyday, sicne she was born, she was 10 at the time. Mt dad was the closet man in her life.

I jsut hate tht this is happening. I am mad at the counselor for not telling me earlier. She said she did not take it seriously, but sense more people are coming and they are stillc oming, she decided she needed to tell us. SO talked to her yesterday and found out that there are also girls involved. I asked howmany people, she said about 4-6 + witnesses and then I asked if it were the same people he always have problems with and she said no. I got up yesterday adn searched his room and email, I called the counselor back and asked if I came up there, could I look in his locker and she said yes, but why. I told her I wanted to look, for some sign that says why this is going on, I then asked if the school officer could talk with JJ, so we could find out or try to find out, if this has happened to him. She told me I was blowing the whole thing out of porportion, I think not. THis is my son, who obviously has a problem, it is my job,m do fight, kick, beat, bite and shew anyone who gets in my way to find theproblems nad fix it.

Dad nad I are going to eat lunch wit him on his birthday (it is a surprise) but we are also keeping our ears open for anything that might help.

Why did the school do nothing. No I do not want my son in trouble, but damit, if they could have told me sooner, then if there is a problem, we might have been able to get to it, before it gets worse. I only hope we know soon enough now.

Basically I feel as if I am in this alone. I have my mom vbut all she does is cry, I kew I should not have told her, and calls me constantly to make sure everything is ok. I finally told her, if you do not her from me, everything is fine. Then I have my MIL, who well thinks it may be my dad and then my DH who well blames my parents for everything that goes wrong in JJ's life and wants nothing to do with JJ.

SO there, it is just me, I have to handle this onmy own. How in the hell do I do this on my own.

I so wish I had a sister close enough to me, to come and spend the day with, I need some major girls in my life at the moment. THe women I can trust, not just anyone. I need my sisters here. I wish one of you were close enough to come by and see me, stay with me sit with me while I cry, hug me, stay by my bed, so I can get some sleep, be my support person. I need something and someone and the only something and someone I can think of are all here in hysterland.

Well I am gonna go, I have done got depressed again. Thank you all for your kinds words, thoughts, well wishes and prayers, please keep them coming.

Thank you so much to the 2 special ladies who gave me 2 gift memberships, so that I can have this place of refuge for antoher 2 years, I will always cherish your gift and your thoughtfullness and will pay you back in someoneway.

Man I need some pampering, wish I had some money, I would get some of the breakffast in bed form here or the night shirt or somehting, or go get a facial nad nails done. Oh well.

And if anyone is ever in Ga. Look me up, let me know and I will give you info to where I am, I would love to meet you.

For now, I m gonna, well do something to keep form going crazy.

Love to all
Discuss (This entry has 3 member comments.)
 
my Hysterversary 05-18-2005 - 06:28 AM
WEll 1 yr ago today I was in the castle, asleep and undergoing my LAVH-BSO. As I sit here, I can't help but think back to my life before. Man things have changed SO much in me in a year. I have become a weak, unstable, fragile, moody, sad person. It is amazing how a few hours can change your likfe and that is what happened. I few horus in surgery changed my life, nad it seems like it has changed it forever. Today I mourn the loss. I have been mourning, I wish I had never had the Hyst. I was suppose to be feeling so much better. She said in a year, you will think this is the best thing you have ever done. You will be free. She did not mention that I would have become a huge hormonal monster and that I would not like the me I had become. If our Drs would tell us EVERYTHING, then we might be more prepared.

Yes haveing here totaly mess me up and having to have another huge surgery this year does not help any. And while I am still in recovery from that, well it just does not help. I am just not happy with my decision. And today, is the day that I have to face it, I know what to day is and I can't hide from it. I had wanted to just sleep through the day, but there is noway I can, so I am here to face it, will I face it with a file, I do not know, but will face it none the less.

Why does it seem like the year mark, is very hard to face. I am thrilled for those of you who have gone through this with out a backward glance and are happy and have had no problems, but I must admit, I am a litel jealous that, that could not have been me. I wish I oculd say Hey, this was the best decision, but at this point I can't.
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I have been HIT HARD...NOw what 05-17-2005 - 06:44 AM
Well I have had a phone call that was very shocling to say the least. You could say at this moment I am numb, stunned, silent, shocked, hurt, scared, angry, just not sure hot to take all this in. THe call was from my sons guidanence counselor, seems this has been going on for most of the year and she has now decided it was time to tell me.

It appears that children are calling Jeff gay. Why you ask? WEll I will tell you, but first, let me just make sure that you are sitting down, you are not eating anything or drinking anyhting, or doing anything that will cause you to choke or get hurt. The reason I am saying this is I was on my cell phone and well almost wrecked my car. I gave you the warning, I had none.

The counselor went on to tell me she was really sorry she had to tell me this. And then came out and said, there are children here (BOYS, NOT GIRLS, BUT BOYS) that are saying Jeff is Gay. They are saying he is lookig over the stalls in the bathrooms and well, touching them in inapprpriate places and as she put it, giving them an invite. She could not elaborate and after my several minutes of silence, I asked if I heard her correctly, did you say touching in inapprpriate places and she said yes. Then she went to tell me how sorry she was and she could only imagine what I must be thinking and feeling. , said that it has been going on most the year, but she did not feel like parents needed to be involved, because she thought it was just playing and since Jeff has no friends, and seems to make the kids mad at him, that they were just telling lies, but that since they are still saying this, then she thought it was time.

OH OMG. I am not really sure what I feel at this moment. THe bad thingis I was on my way to a dentist appoint, when she told me this. so I have to set here and keep my coo, I can't loose it, then again I am not sure anything has sunk in and digested enough for me to loose it. I am not sure as to w=htink what this is, or could be, or could mean. My mind is racing like a race horse in the Kentuckty Derby.

And this is not just one kid making the accusation, this is several kids and all boys. Does this mean my child is Gay, does this mean my child could be a molester in the future or even now. I mean he has never showed interest in girls, evne pretty ones, that I knew liked him, and I thought that would change in Middle School, but it has not. He has no friends, no girls calls here, no guys calls here.

Can my son even know what he is doing, being 13 years old. How is this possible. Oh God, what am I gonn fo. I feel so lost, so out of touch, so well I think I am still in too much of a shock. WHY WHY WHY, if he is doing this, why would he be touching other boys like this, this does not make sense to me, playing or otherwise. My workd is shattering, it is being torn apart as I type this. What do I say to him.

Will/Is Derrrick safe around him. Would he touch Derrick like this, would he hurt Derrick. Derrick is only 3, I can even , no I don't want to go there, I shoudl not have to go there. Just got off the pohone with the couselor again, there are girls saying this as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this yesterday on paper, at my dental office. Today, the pain, the hurt, the apparent shock as gone away. I am no longer numb and I am now a wreck. I wanted to tell my mom, but could not do this, I told Big Jeff and we talked to JJ and he denied all and said they were lieing, we asked why would so many kids lie about the same thing, he said cause they don't like him. At this point, we don't know what to believe, cause we have caught him in several lies before where it pertained to him doing things to other children.

At the time I write this, I am now in tears, I di not cry yesterday, I don't think I culd if I had tired, but now, this seems to be the only thing coming out.

I am scared, worried, afraid, I just don't know what to do anymore, There are some other issues that might go along wit this, but I will write that to a private entry and posiible om some others here, but can't make that public.
Discuss (This entry has 8 member comments.)
 

 


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