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kindred's Journal
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I'm tired of being depressed 02-02-2005 - 03:57 PM
My birthday is this Sunday and as usual everything is screwed up. I'm having to deal with MetLife so that I can be paid 60$ of my salary, but they want all kinds of information from my doctor. His office is trying to get everything done, but they always seem to want more. I have a mortgage and need this money. I just got my last paycheck from work. They are going to continue paying for my medical insurance for three months from 12/20/04, so I have to get everything done before 03/14/05.

I had HS surgery last Wednesday. My stitches tore, but that's okay. A lot of times they leave the incision open due to this type of surgery. It hurt like heck, but it's better. However, I'm bleeding like crazy. The doctors all say bleeding is good. It means it's healing. This morning I was changing my bandages and big blood drops fell all over my bathroom floor. Ugh! It wasn't the first time and I rather doubt it will be the last time. However, I'm sick of blood being every where.

Next Tuesday I get to go to another surgeon to see if and when he can perform surgery on my umbilical hernia. Blood has been coming out of my navel for three years. Three doctors have fought over what it could be for all that time. My Gyno thought the blood from my period was coming out of my navel rather than my vaginal. That was partly why I had the hysterectomy. My GP thought it was a hernia. A jerk surgeon who I won't go to because of how he treated me, didn't know what it was. Now we know. Hopefully the new surgeon will take care of this soon. I really want time to heal.

Then we come back to my birthday. Christmas was terrible, my birthday is going to be the same. I can't go out because of this bleeding and pain, but I want to do something fun. I wanted to have a spa day, but there is no way I can do that now. S#!+
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I'm not taking it anymore! 11-27-2004 - 11:35 PM
I was abused terribly by my sister who is eight years older than me. No one ever protected me. All I ever heard was, "I don't want to hear it! or I don't want to talk about it. or my family's favorite - Just shut up and go away!" Because of this I always thought that everything was my fault. That the way my sister treated me must be right and I was crazy or something. When I broke it off with her when I was 25, the whole family backed me. Sitting in my grandmother's house, my mom and her eldest sister (there were four girls in their family) told me that sister's don't treat sister's like Sherri treated me. My response was simple, How what I suppose to know that? No one ever told me that what she was doing was wrong. No one ever told me that it wasn't me, it was her. They had nothing to say.

The reason no one ever said anything was because it was easier to ignore it than deal with it. No one wanted to bother with it. It's just easier to pretend nothing is wrong, then have to put yourself out. Because of this my family never made my sister fess up to the things she did or said. NEVER! That always made me really angry.

Now my sister is getting married. She seems to have changed for the better, but no one really trusts her. Once, she pushed our 70+ year old aunt into a washer. Yes she did it on purpose. If my other aunt hadn't just be released from the hospital for a stoke, Sherri would have gotten it. Be we said nothing and let it go... again. Well, at Thanksgiving my aunt mentioned that Sherri gave her a written apology regarding the washer incident. I said, "I haven't gotten anything." My mother immediately said, "I don't want to talk about it." It felt like I was slapped. I left and haven't talked to my mom since.

I was at my aunt’s house and mom and my nephews came by. Because I wanted to see my nephews I stayed. My mom came over to sit next to me and I just said hi. She pulled back and walked away. All during lunch my mom was complaining about her back and leg. I was never allowed to express pain. Everyone always treated me like I was faking it to get attention. If I did my mom would say, “Me too” and blow it off. Also, because we were Catholic suffering was considered a virtue, and another of my mom’s sisters was born with a condition and suffered her whole life. Mom always said that she never complained when she was in pain because her sister never complained. My sister-in-law died of cancer three years ago and my mother always talks about how she never complained. Whenever Song of Bernadette came on, she would always comment on the scene where the mean nun finally realized Bernadette was suffering terribly in silence. She begged God for forgiveness and did everything possible to help Bernadette till she died.

Mom always complained about everything. She always had something wrong with her, ALWAYS. I was never allowed to express pain or sadness. If I did I was yelled at and told I was being stupid or trying to get attention. Keep in mind that I started my period when I was 10. HS started when I was 12. I also think that my endometriosis started when I was 12. I suffered horribly all of my life, but I was never allowed to say anything or show pain. NEVER! In recent months everything came out. First I found out I had to have a hysterectomy because I was out of options, then the doctors finally diagnosed me correctly regarding HS. They recognized how terribly I suffered. No one understands how I could live almost 30 years without painkillers. My doctors are amazed. My mom knows this now, everyone does. However nothing has really changed.
I bet that my mom has no idea why I’m ticked off at her. I was thinking about making her come with me the next time I go to my therapist. The only way I’d let my sister talk to me would be in front of my therapist. I refuse to let things go. No more! I need my pain, etc. to be acknowledged. I need for my sister to admit to what she did. She doesn’t even have to say she’s sorry, just admit that it wasn’t me, it was her. I’m not letting it go, not this time! Never again! I truly believe I deserve this. I can’t take ignoring all of this anymore. I can’t take anyone else ignoring it anymore. I also can’t take her getting away with it again. I just can’t!
Discuss (This entry has 3 member comments.)
Exercise 11-01-2004 - 05:18 PM
My doctor's have ok'd me to start working out again. Hopefully I can start tonight... Wednesday at the latest. Not working out is frustrating. Yea I'll be in pain, but when have I not been in pain? I'd love to lose this weight while on leave. Best to just play it by ear. I have to get in the habit of working out and eating a certain way. I'm sure after the hyster and my other surgeries I'll fell a lot better. Who knows, I may be without pain one of these days. I can only keep my fingers crossed.
Discuss (This entry has 1 member comments.)
7 weeks to go 11-01-2004 - 05:15 PM
7 weeks... that's frightening! Luckily I've got a lot to do, otherwise I'd be a basketcase. I have to sign the papers at my Gyno's office on Wednesday. While I'm there I'm going to ask him a few more questions. I always have questions. Luckily, Dr. M. is really patient with his patients. :-D

My period started on the 24th. It was horrible! Between my female problems and HS I thought I was going to die... or at least I wish I would. Part of me is afraid the time to my surgery will just wisk by. Another part of me wishes it would already be done. I figure I've got at least one more period to get through. It should be Thanksgiving week. Oh, joy!
Discuss (This entry has 0 member comments.)
Surgery Scheduled 10-14-2004 - 11:30 AM
I was doing really well with the idea of a hysterectomy. Then my Gyno's office called last night and left a message on my answering machine. I knew what they wanted. I knew what they were going to say. They had scheduled my surgery date. Breath!

This morning I called back. I was right. The surgery will be at Mercy General at 12:30 on December 22nd. When I was told that it hit me. This was real. I was really going to have a hysterectomy! It felt like a bowling ball was suddenly in my stomach. My stress level raised and I felt fear, then tears in my eyes. I told Roxanne via e-mail, then called mom. By this time there was a golf ball sized lump in my throat. I was trying not to shake. Breath!

After hanging up I went to the HysterSister's site. I needed to post. That made me feel a little better. Then I remembered about the journal. I'm still stressed, but the lump in the stomach is gone. The golf ball is still there, but smaller. While the tears have dried, I can feel them lurking, waiting to spring out at a moments notice. Breath!
Discuss (This entry has 3 member comments.)



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