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millet4261's Journal
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It has been awhile 08-27-2005 - 06:44 AM
August 27, 2005
Hi everyone,
I can't believe I have not put an entry in since June. Reading it, I was so different and things have changed. My son, at the last minute decided not to go in the army and returned to his job. Finacially he is messed up, but I can help him get back on his feet. I was so happy he changed his mind. I will be having my port removed on Monday, the 29th. I really feel this whole chapter in my life is over and hopefully will never be reopened. I feel healthy and need to be here for my family wheather cancer likes it or not! I will be cancer free for the rest of my life as far as I am concerned!

Love to all my sisters,
Debbie
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survived all medical issues to get a broken heart 06-21-2005 - 04:09 PM
June 21, 2005
I am so upset with my son, he is breaking my heart. He told me Saturday, he wants to quit his job as an exterminator (making good money for a 22 year old) to go into the Army. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the worst time for anyone one to join and to top it off, he wants to be a Calvery Scout! I was so sick over this I couldn't stop crying and after everything I have been through, I said to my husband that I wish I had died after my surgery insted of making it through cancer to hear this. Greg has wanted to go in before right when 9/11 happened but I talked him out of it. He went for the test today and I think this time he is really gonna go. I can't help feeling that if he does this he may not ever come home. The job he wants is too dangerous, let alone just being a soilder right now with the war. I am so sad.
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Wow, last entry was awhile ago 06-02-2005 - 04:59 AM
June 2, 2005
I haven't wrote for awhile. I am busy with work and family, the normal excuses. Normal! I remember the day when I prayed to be normal again and my prayers were heard. I am vacationing in Cape Cod soon, with the inlaws. Never did that before! Life is good and I must say this last 6 months has really brought me and my hubby closer than ever. Everything seems so much more intense between us. I was so worried about how it would be after the hyster. I think it is better, except in the back of my mind every little ache or pain scares me. Saw my Onc last week who said, who cares if you are a "mystery" I love when he says things like that, I take it as in a round about way he is trying to tell me I will be fine but can't come right out and say it. I have a CT scan in July, no PET-that is improvement! God has really looked after me. Thanks to my parents also, they are the best guardian angels. I am home from work today, I can't talk! Not stuffy just no voice and my job is toatally customer service so SICK DAY!!!!!!!!!! Too bad for them!!
Debbie
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update on Debbie 05-12-2005 - 06:17 AM
May 12, 2005
Hi everyone! What a great day today is. I am happy today because I don't have chemo anymore! I would have been going today and it feels great being done with it. I just wish everyone else was done, and forever. I have more good news. I became a Grandma on Saturday, May 7. Jesse James was born at 12:28 am and weighed in at 7lbs, 13 oz. Nice size and cute to boot! Life is really taking a turn for the better for me. I am so thankful.
I have been trying to work on getting my endurance back, walking with Rich after supper around town like we used to. I do fine except my darn leg hurts. I think it is my bone marrow trying to reproduce after the chemo. I will get it back, I make the walk which is about 2 miles, but when I am on the home stretch I feel the pain. I control it with aleve, so that is good insted of using pain killers. I was on those for years for my back and won't do it again. It masked my other troubles, but thanks to my angels I caught things in time. I truely believe I have recieved a miracle from above.
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Looks like I made it! 05-01-2005 - 09:00 AM
May 1, 2005
Well how can I say it except I finished my four months of chemo. I feel weak today, but I am done! Yesterday, the nurse came and disconnected the self medicator that I have used and I felt a big grin and inside I felt great. I pray to God I never have to deal with this again and in roughly 6 months, I will get this port out of my chest. When I do, I am getting a tatoo over the scar, a vine of yellow roses. Yellow means friendship, and the port was the best friend I had during chemo. Strange but true, it saved me alot of bruising. I will never forget the people I have gotten to know through all of this, the nurses, the doctors. What an experience. I want to do something after I get my endurance back to help others with cancer. I am uncertain how I will direct my efforts, but it is the least I can do to give back for the life I have gotten back. Holy crap, I still am cancer free. Thanks Mommy and Dad for looking out for me.
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Time flys! 04-25-2005 - 01:05 PM
April 25,2005
Well, the verdit is in and I am cancer free!!! God has blessed me, all my tests were clean and I am going Thursday for my last round of chemo. Even though I would rather not do it, it will be the completion of 4 months of the folfox 5fu treatment to prevent anything. I am one of the lucky ones, and am so thankful to everyone. I pray I will never be faced with a cancer issue again the rest of my life, and I pray for everyone else that they also can be so fortunate. It really is crazy and while my Onc would prefer me to do 6 months for preventive I am not going to beat myself up any further medically. This nightmare started on November 15, 2004 and I want to get back in my skin again. It has not been too rough for me as far as side effects, but emotionally?? We all know that answer. My best prayers go to Rich, my loving husband. Without him, I don't know what I would have done.
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what a social scene at chemo yesterday 04-15-2005 - 07:19 AM
April 15, 2005
Well let me start by saying I am happy not to be a work today on tax day! I work at the post office and this is one of the worst days there. Yeah for me! Anyway, yesterday at chemo everyone talked through the 4 hours we were all there. We were all up beat and happy because we are approaching our last chemo sessions in two weeks. The people I have met are so great, we are all in the same boat in a way and reach out for hope and healing stregnth and I love it. I have hated that building I go to for years because it is where I had to go with my Mom 8 years ago. The site of it made me sick, and everytime I pull up there for treatment, I remember her and how she did not have a chance to survive her cancer and I whisper to myself I hate coming here. For me, I then get out of the car and walk in there like I am the healthiest person on earth. I mentally stay in the place that reminds me that I have the chance, my tests are clean and hopefully me next one will be then I am done. Done to get on with my life, to put this all behind me and with Gods help it will stay there, behind me, a lesson given to me to see what life really is all about. To live each day the best you can, to love who you can and hopefully, even if you don't know you do it- to help someone out there who needs you. My test was rescheduled for this Monday. I want to see Mr. Clean again!!!
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Farther in between 04-07-2005 - 05:01 PM
April 7, 2005
I am doing good, no I am doing great. I think when you are doing good, you have less entry, farther in between because you are too busy being normal. Wow, normal, will we ever be normal again after the lessons we learned? I don't think so, but what is normal anyway? I promised myself I would start to workout again for my birthday gift to myself to get my stamina back and I am. Only 20 crunches, 25 leg lift-front and reverse, some squats. It will take awhile but I am not over weight and still pretty tight, so it will come. I walked a three mile walk with my loving man and it was great. I miss walking with Rich, that is part of normal. Me and him hand in hand walking together. Monday is my pet scan and ct, prayers to me for normal there. If it is clean, it my ticket to freedom!! I have faith a long time ago that I was healed from God, but I am human and therefore need reassurance. Please Mom, Dad and all my other guardian angels keep me safe and healthy, grant me the longer life I pray for.
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Blood pressure way up, Doc says I am healthy 03-31-2005 - 03:43 PM
March 31,2005
What the heck is going on now. I had a good appt today, my white count is great from the shot, no problems except my blood pressure was 148 over 98. I was always normal and everytime I go for chemo it is getting higher and higher. Then after sitting around for an hour while doing the chemo it is retested and I am 148 over 103. I looked at the doctor and asked, Am I gonna have a heart attack or something? He just stated I should let my regular MD know and maybe I will get medication. He said maybe from the chemo, due to steroids maybe not. He said to me I am very healthy. I was in my head like - then what the heck am I doing here!!!That was when I said to him that I am doing this chemo only the two more times after today, which equals the 4 months. I also asked about other problems like liver or kidneys due to chemo, because I don't want to do this any longer than necessary because I don't want other parts of my body getting beat up. He said it will not hurt other organs, but I stated well look at the blood pressure. So I also said about another PET scan and CT with contrast to confirm if there is reason to go after 4 months and he gave me the script.
Pray for me girls, I go April 11 and if I am clean, then I know I am making the right choices in my health care. I like my doctor, but when it comes to cancer issues, they never give you a straight answer. I will listen to my body and what I feel in my heart, God is always by my side. My mom dies 8 years ago tommarrow 4/1/97 and my 44th birthday is 4/2. Happy freaking birthday to me! My gift will be the miracle of life a second time if my scans are still clean.
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Feeling pretty good today 03-20-2005 - 06:59 AM
March 21, 2005
Yesterday I felt crappy as my day progressed, little puky feeling all day I couldn't shake. The nurse came to remove my pump an hour early, I told her to take it off anyway. An hour of less chemo won't kill me and she agreed. I am sick of doing this already. It is starting to make me not feel myself and I worry about if it is going to give me damage to kidneys or liver. Stuff like that, I have been thinking about. If I have no cancer in me, if I go the full 6 months instead of 4, will it damage me? The doctors never want to answer you, I guess for lawsuit purpose. I have to get that shot today for my white blood cells. Hope that doesn't bloat me up or give me another side effect. I don't like all this medicine being pumped into me. My blood pressure is starting to go up also, and the nurse and doctor said chemo does that. I have heart disease and high blood pressure in my family. I never had it, is this gonna give me a problem too!! Four months is my end unless the onc can show me a mass in me to prove I need more.
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OH, Crap! 03-17-2005 - 02:34 PM
March 17, 2005
Happy Birthday Rex, my yorkie who is 13! And Happy St. Patricks Day! With no beer this year as I have just returned from chemo. Crap, my white blood cells were boarderline today, so the doctor wants me to come for a shot on Sunday to help boost it. All the platlets and other stuff is fine. It is probably from that darned pink eye. I told the onc about it and he said probably, but they told me next time whatever it is I should call them. I told hm I am having leg pain, and he checked that I wasn't swollen or anything. He also said the count could be down just from normal wear and tear from chemo. It explains why I was tired this week. Well, there is always a pill or a shot to fix almost anything isn't there. Hope the chemo is fixing us.
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I am getting the blues 03-15-2005 - 04:12 PM
March 15, 2005
I don't know why but I am really getting down. I feel crappy lately since last weekend. My leg is hurting me alot, I think maybe from the chemo even though it has bothered me through the years with sciatica. It aches, like when the rain is coming and you get that ache feeling. My darn sinus issue is still around, alittle better, not as much bleeding but I find I am getting headaches more often. Too much candy lately??? Maybe, I eat it everyday. I have been pushing my luck with a poor diet due to me doing so well on the chemo. Could all be from not eating good. I will see what my bloodwork looks like on Thursday. I think I am just getting sick of going to chemo, everyone says I should go the full 6 months. I don't want to if I don't have any evidence of disease in me. I look at it like it is destroying good cells unnecessarily if there is not any cancer in me. If the doctors can prove otherwise, well then of course you go the 6 months. These doctors are over cautious in my mind because I think if they are unsure, they give you the worst case. Then if it isn't they look great and come out smelling like roses. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I got spring fever bad, I need to get in the yard and sun.
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Spring fever 03-12-2005 - 07:48 AM
March 12, 2005
Boy do I have the fever! New Jersey needs spring and needs it fast. I can't wait for it. I have so much to look forward to. Being a grandma, and I want to get out in the yard and get all my planting done, clean up after old man winter. I want to spend every minute I can outside this year, I have been cooped up too much this winter with my surgery and this chemo. I want to ride with the top down in my vette!!!! I am doing so good, I can't be still sick, it is gone. Gone with the wind. I can't wait for my scan to tell them all - see I told you!!! I want to walk with my hubby around town like we always did. We would always take walks together, it is funny how you miss the simple things. All the diamonds in the world could not measure how lucky I am to be here and to have my loving man.
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What stinks more than pink eye? 03-07-2005 - 07:44 AM
March 7, 2005
My answer is nothing! I got pink eye starting Saturday afternoon. Over the counter stuff didn't help, thank God my sister had some prescription stuff at home a brought it over to me. My eye is better today, but I hate using a sick day for this at work due to missing time everyother week for chemo. The chemo is affecting my sinus more than anything else in my body regarding side effects. Since I started I have had very dry sinus where when I blow my nose it bleeds and the doctor did not seem concerned. Only if I get "nose bleeds." Anyway, it is starting to drive me nuts because my face gets puffy, usually on Sunday morning when I wake up, like water retention, but goes away. Now this week it progressed to this? I don't know if it is a coincidence but it sure bites turning into pink eye. Probably will stay home tomorrow too as long as it continues to improve. I guess I shouldn't complain if this is the only rath to bare.
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a new look at cancer 03-04-2005 - 03:59 AM
March 3, 2005
I read most everyday the posts on this site regarding the courage, the tears, and the over all battle we face with cancer. I just did my 4th chemo, and even with a cold, my blood was perfect. I also gained 5 lbs! I have NED, and asked the doctor, why should I do 6 months of treatment insted of 4? Initially he stated 4-6 months to me. He answered me today, for the first time, admitting but not just saying that he thinks my cancer is really gone and I was very lucky in my situation. But he said, I am tolerating it so well, I should go all the way with 6 months. He also stated he is giving me the most aggressive treatment to ensure they didn't miss anything. I felt good today after all the "under the microsope " talks that I just may be a lucky one.
So in the treatment room, you start to know your neighbors. I want to tell you about some of them, because I find everyone of them an inspiration in one way or another. This guy Jim, diagnosed with colon cancer, the doctor gave him 12-20 months to live. He sits next to me looks healthy as ever, and it is over two years and he is going strong. After being with NED for a year, he had only a lesion come back recently so he is doing chemo again. He was Honkerblonked because he sold his boat! Another guy, he was there first time today, tells me he goes for preadmission test for back surgery and they find cancer on his lung! They took part of his lung and now he is doing taxol/carbo. Back surgery is pending. The things the doctor told him are like what he told me. It is preventative, a year ago they would have just took a wait and see approach. The drugs out there now are so effective, they treat most cancer more effective then ever before. The statistics out there are old, we are the new generation of cancer patients. We are the survivors, our statistics will show in the next years that the diagnosis is not always the horror it once was. It is just a bump in our road of life that we need to get repaired.

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round 4 tomarrow with a cold??? 03-02-2005 - 04:49 PM
March 2, 2005
I wonder how I will be tomorrow for round 4 of chemo. I am stuffy today and sneezy, I have felt a cold coming on for a few days and here it is - I think Will I still be able to get my go-go juice? I am looking at my half way mark tomorrow, as I see myself going to chemo for 4 months not 6. I find myself a few days before going another round getting depressed because I don't want to do it. I really want another scan to reassure me of no disease, then I will be fine and do the rest of the chemo just to say to the doctors "there, are you happy now?" I get all these weird cramps and some numbness in my high ab area from the chemo and it worries me. It is probably the medicine doing it's job, but I get spooked that it may be something growing. Boy, your mind is your worst enemy isn't it.
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It is nice to know 02-24-2005 - 06:02 PM
February 24, 2005
I got a message that I inspired someone. Me, inspiring, that seems crazy to me. I read the message I recieved and it made me feel so good, I got teary eyed. My hubby read it and he said it was so nice that someone took the time to write me like that. I am glad I was able to do it, and I didn't even try. Just been putting down thoughts of how I feel. I think it is great I made a difference. That was one of the things I really wanted to do when the doctors told me of all this mumbo-jumbo cancer crap. For the record, I feel great and still say they are wrong in making me think there was cancer in me in the first place, but so be it. I don't care. I live everyday waking up with a new look at life. I thank God every morning and night for all I have and have recieved in my life. I hope for stregnth to get through whatever I have to and think of all the people I am aware of that need help from above more than I do. I have always been lucky in my life and for all I have gotten, I want to be able to give back something. I do have a nasty streak, it doesn't come out much anymore. Only with that nasty boss at work I deal with. He really is miserable! He is the only one that makes me want to scream - I have cancer you idiot, go bother someone else or TRY to do something for yourself! I don't though, I just think it all in my head. I want to be good, I want to live different. Especially because I have this second chance to do it. My port hurts sometimes, and I don't like that, but I rub it and think "it's all good" I will do my 4th chemo next week, I look at it as I am half way after that, 4 more and I am done. In the back of my head, I do think, hopefully the cancer is all gone. I do feel in my heart that it is, but you just can't help feeling scared once in awhile. I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel that way. Well, maybe I am not human - I am indestructable! Who knows. Most of all, thank you - for thanking me.
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Round three and going strong 02-18-2005 - 07:33 AM
February 18, 2005
Well today is the second day of my thursday/friday chemo. I go back at 12:00 and this morning I feel great. Ate breakfast and my tea without problems. Last week they forgot to give me all my anti nausau medicine at my treatment that is why I was not feeling too well last time. Rich and I paid more attention this time! Anyway there was a new face to my right and she was a 38 year old woman, three kids 5,3,2 with colon cancer. Do you believe it! She kept telling the doctor her stomach bothered her and they said it was an ulcer, than she got where she did not keep her food down and the ct scan showed the tumor. Crazy right!!??? It makes you wonder about these doctors. I am thankful for my doctors, they are taking every precaution with me. I keep telling my onc, everytime he takes my blood and he says "your blood is perfect" I answer him, "that's because there is nothing in me." He laughs rolls his eyes at me. I know God has chose me to have a miracle, and has answered all our prayers. Today we got our tax return! That makes the day even better.
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Here is a Good one, why bosses suck 02-15-2005 - 04:51 PM
February 15, 2005
I work with this one boss that does not know how to talk to people, being a team player is not an option unless you are on the defensive line because he is soo bad. He does nothing for himself and always makes accusations that the employees do nothing and even will bad mouth you to coworkers. I pretty much tell this guy when he is in his mood to stay away from me and it seems to work out. Lately, he has been his old self, and trying to pick on me. I have the support of his superior, so it is not that I am insecure. My reputation as a skilled employee speaks for itself, but the comment that supposidly was made regarding my time off made me look at him in a totally different light. I will never see him as anything but a miserable man for the rest of my life and God will judge him accordingly. I heard this through the grapevine but -- he was mad because I left work 1/2 hour early yesterday (a no lunch day) then he said to employees that - now she is off again thursday, friday, sat & sun (those are my regular days off ) and then Monday for a holiday at the workplace - isn't that a nice vacation for her. I was so hurt that he could be so cruel, he knows they found cancer on my ovary and I go for my chemo on thursday and friday. I hope he burns if he did say it about me. He is a church going man???? HA! So he says.
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It's All Good - Less entry is better, I think 02-11-2005 - 07:56 PM
February 11, 2005
I was surprised to see how many days have passed since my last entry. I feel that is proof, life goes on. Life- a good thing- it's all good as Robert says. He is a good friend to me, and when I go for chemo, before I go in, I say "It's all good." Because that is what it is for me. I am doing chemo to prevent my cancer, my death? My what? Only because the doctors say I should, no test said I should, and hope it doesn't change.
Did I tell you?? I found out about three weeks ago, I am going to be a Grandma? 43!!! Grandma??!! My stepson is gonna have a baby. One of the first things that made me cry after my surgery and the doctors said "under the microscope you had cancer on your ovary" but we don't know what to do with you, was the thought of living long enough to see any grandchildren. Well, little Rich is gonna make that possible, in the next year. Wow. It's all good! I am me tonight as well as a lot of nights. I had wine tonight and am buzzed because I am (thank the Lord) not too sick to get buzzed on my non-chemo week. It is so wierd, will we ever be the same?
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Made it through second round 02-05-2005 - 06:37 AM
February 5, 2005
Well, yesterday I did not feel too good. I did not sleep well because I was getting muscle spasms in my calve and I woke at 4:30 a.m. feeling like I wanted to puke. My DH gave me an antinausea pill and I was ok. I woke up around 7 and felt really tired and nausea again. I got up and had one dry-heve, I was sooo Honkerblonked, in my head i was like - you ain't getting me like this. Went into my recliner, ate some crackers took another pill and sipped water watching some tv. I felt better, then I dozed back off for an hour or so and when I woke I was good to go. Learned from that one to take the pill before bed. Went for part two of the treatment at 2:30pm came home feeling fine and got a good nights sleep. Today I am good, woke up hungry and no headache, no nausea, ate breakfast and coffee. I talked to a lady at chemo that had colon cancer and a growth on her ovary but her first thing was a hysterectomy for fibroids! Anyway, the best part is she is 3 years out and cancer free. She had the same stuff they are using on me and when she heard my story, she thinks it is great they are treating me preventivly because the treatment was so effective for someone who was in her shoes. There really is good treatments that work out there for people. I pray everyone battling cancer can get it and be cured.
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Been awhile, doing well 02-03-2005 - 06:53 AM
February 3, 2005
Time flies when your having fun doesn't it? I have been busy since my last entry, going to work full schedule and taking care with myself, home and family. Work really is a God send, it does take your mind off of lifes woes. I am going for my 2nd round of chemo today, a little nervous, but haven't dwelled much. I am hoping I do as well as the first one. My dear friend Maria is coming to my house with my brother in law this weekend to watch the superbowl and if I am not feeling well she will take care of me. They wanted us to watch the game with them, but I don't want to make plans on chemo weekends. She is bring all the food, just to be together with us. She is wonderful. My sister is in the hospital due to reflux/hernia issues. Endoscopy today, then she will go home. Seems she will be on stomach meds the rest of her life. Funny, they tell me there may be orgin in my stomach (by the way, that fox chase stomach biopsy was clean) and I have no symptoms of anything, she has all the troubles. I saw my GI doctor at the hospital while visiting her and he said "You look great!" I answered, "because there is nothing in me!" He said they will scope me again soon, to monitor me closely to ensure nothing comes up. I like him, he is a very positive doctor, never dwells on the maybes or could be, just the facts. He did say, they are still talking about me because my case is so odd. I said I don't mind being odd, as long as it all stays "good odd" He knocked on wood and said, maybe that is all it is, and nothing else. So I will see my onc today, tell him I can't poop since chemo no matter what I try, sinus' are very dry, don't know if it is from the treatment, but otherwise, I am fine and get on with this nonsense so I can get another session under my belt and be closer to getting my life back. God is on my side, my angels are watching me, my husband is loving and by my side every step of the way, and my family and friends are there for me too. What more can I ask for? Just alot more years, and if I don't get that? The chance to look over the people who have watched me on this earth, I'll be their angel, but I would like to be able to haunt them jokingly once and awhile for fun!
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day two done, I feel good!! 01-21-2005 - 04:26 PM
January 21, 2004
Wow, it is over. My first two days and tomorrow about noon the nurse will come to my house and take the self medicator off. I feel good so far except alittle tired, but it passes in a few minutes. No tingling in the fingers yet so that is good. I think I can do this. It is funny how things in your life, make you see things so different. I met some people at the doctors and talked a bit and no story is the same. A lady next to me today was there for the first time, breast cancer, and the nurse was telling her she will be sick tomorrow so take the nausa pills tonight and in two weeks she will be without hair. She was older, and I felt sorry for her because you could tell she kept herself nice and to have all this at once is terrible. Her husband was there with her and they were very nice people. She even made a joke that next time I see her I might not recognize her. This other woman really touched my heart and I said I would pray for her. She too had breast cancer, went through the radical hair lose treatment and made it to her 5th year cancer free. She told me as she celebrated, she was rediagnosed and has it in her bones also. She again is starting chemo. My heart broke for her to go that far and get it again. Her parents were with her and the father said to me when I told them my story, why would it have been such a hard decission for me to make to do preventative chemo? You have to do it to fight anything that was or is there. I realized how right he was, and his daughter was an example that you don't know what will happen and you have to fight. I think I am more fortunate, I had an edge to start with. They may never find any further trace in me, or who knows - it may be there already and we don't know it. God keep us all.
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Made it through the first one-back tomorrow for two hours more 01-20-2005 - 01:06 PM
January 20, 2005
Well I made it through the first session and got the self medicator thing around my waist. I feel a little funny, but nothing to bad so far. I was there for 5 hours and my DH was there with me. I saw the doctor and he said again, I won't loose my hair, maybe thinning but not loosing it. Good. The treatment determines this and mine is more geared to the GI not ovarian or breast protocols. He did say it is effective on ovaries and in light of my situation, "the unknown orgin" it is the best to do. What I do like is the word "preventive chemo" that he uses and due to no evidence of disease, it is an insurance policy so to speak. My hubby keeps telling me if you don't have it in you, it is a safeguard to ensure nothing is missed. I pray I get through this 4 or 6 month treatment with no evidence and then it never is found again.
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still using the journal-chemo tomorrow 01-19-2005 - 06:40 PM
January 19, 2005
Today sucked. I had the port put in and it really hurts! I can handle it and the procedure was not too bad, but I was so tired from no sleep from anxiety, and the vailum they used on me did not even work. The nurse was amazed, she gave me 10 doses, and could not believe I stayed awake. In recovery I was wide awake, at home I was awake, now it is 8:30 pm and I took a perk about 1 hour ago. I will go read and hopefully sleep. The pain is not as bad from this thing but it is uncomfortable. Well my first chemo tomorrow, the start of the rest of my life. No, not the rest of it, the start of my hump in the road. The beginning of the stuff that will seek out any demons in me the tests can't find and kill them, if there are any. Everyone has been very supportive. My DH and I have already decided on my chemo day, once I am set up, he will go get dunkin doughnuts and coffee so I can fill up on fattening sugary junk, in case I have trouble with my appetite later. That way I don't loose weight. I am not heavy so I must keep eating. I love him so much, I can't be without him. My boys are great also. Lots of hugs and checking on me lately. They are good men.
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Yahoo my tummy is good 01-18-2005 - 08:02 AM
January 18, 2005
Well the saga continues. I went for the endoscopy/biopsy at Fox Chase yesterday, and it all came back clean! I am very thankful for that. I feel really weak from it today, the doctors instructions said that would happen and not to do anything for 24 hours. Another day off. I ate a good breakfast today to get my energy back. Now I am waiting for Dr. Sher to call me and tell me that he is more baffled. Could this have just been an error? I think more of a miracle so far as I prayed for. He will probable push for me to get going with the chemo and I will do it. I am going to keep saying"it's all good" because that is what I kept telling myself yesterday. It helped. I have alot of people rooting for me, and I can do this. I really hope it was just on the ovary. Thank you God for helping me yesterday.
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Another test at Fox Chase 01-16-2005 - 07:19 AM
January 16, 2005
Tomarrow it is off to the Fox Hunt again for a tumor! I am having the stomach biopsy done at Dr. Shers request and I am terrified as usual. These tests scare me to death. I pray they don't find anything. After all the reading I have done, if I can pick a cancer, I don't want stomach. How stupid do I sound. I got drunk last night and I cried myself to sleep praying to God to help me and keep the cancer out of me. I held on to Amanda's angel. I do that all the time. I really feel like this is all a test of some sort and boy it is a tough one. If it is all going to be fine like everyone says, why can't I believe it? The only time I feel safe is in Richies arms and I never want to let go. I don't know what it is like to feel normal anymore. Everything scares me. I try to get a grip and I just can't. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I hope my guardian angels help me tomarrow.
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Good bye for now 01-12-2005 - 05:53 PM
January 12,2005
I went to the oncologist the other day with Richie and discussed my treatment. We have decided to do folfox for 4-6 months as a preventive measure due to my rare circumstances. Even the doctor hold on that the tests are disease free but it is anyone guess what the future holds. My hubby and I decided to do the treatment because we can't stand the "if only I did this" later on. God will keep me, My angels will keep me and the love and strength of my husband and family will keep me and get me through. I spoke to Kimmy tonight and David and they are very positive and if nothing else, I prompted Kimmy to go to the doctor. She is lazy with it. David said I am too much of a bi!ch to have this get me, although he does not like the idea of my doing chemo with no evidence of disease. Karen is taking me Monday for the port insertion i need for my treatment. I treated myself to a gross Mc Donalds dinner tonight and a glass of wine. I am moving on, with my life and it will be a long one. Thanks everyone for listening to me go on and on and I pray for you all. I will still come on here from time to time, due to the fact the hysterectomy was what started my lifes changing events. I hope I make history, and I hope it all for you also. God is the best medicine, remember that. He heals and gives the miracle of life. Sometimes people just need it twice.
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To the doctor today 01-10-2005 - 07:19 AM
January 10, 2005
Well today I go to talk to the oncologist regarding treatment. He wants me to bring my pictures so he can review them again with a radioligist he trusts. He wants to fine tooth comb it I guess. I have decided I must do the chemo as my insurance policy, even that all test are clean. I keep holding on to that fact. That is the only fact I have, the doctors are never able to give me answers. The onc even consulted the top oncologist in the nation! I want to be the medical wonder! The exception to the rule, statistics whatever. I am trying really hard to just be normal everyday. My family has been told, with the help of my sister Karen. She called my other sisters and my brother. Only two brothers don't know, but I am sure the word will get out. Still have to tell my husbands side. Please God help me to be healed.
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My first week back to work 01-07-2005 - 05:59 PM
January 7, 2005
Boy, I don't know how they got along without me. I found myself saying by today (friday) if I drop dead, how will anything get done? Nobody knows of my battle I am facing except my immediate boss. I did very well till yesterday as far as fatigue. I got home and at 7pm I was exausted and crashed out. Did wake up to do the nasty with the DH then slept through the night. I was surprised that all week I was fine and it was like I never left. The only problem I have is the lurking of chemo and wishing all the time just to be normal again. I still pray for a miracle that I feel is there for me. God bless us all. Tomarrow is the Holiday party for work. I am going and I am going to dance with Richie every chance I get. I love him so. He is my reason to fight and live.
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Well the verdit is in 01-06-2005 - 07:00 AM
January 6, 2005
The onc called me last night and basically told me the same thing as before. With the second opinion they still say the best course for me is chemo to target, their educated guess-the stomach. At first they were convinced they would find something in the colon. Even though the scans are clean they want to go after a possible microscopic cell that caused this growth on the ovary. They can not give me anything to go on because they can't find anything except what was taken out of me. I have to make an appt for me and DH to sit down and discuss the course of treatment. Will I be saved? Will I be cured? Is a microscopic cancer cell better to have than a visual orgin/tumor? The doctors can't answer. Can anyone else, I know God can.
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waiting still 01-04-2005 - 02:56 PM
January 4, 2005
I am still waiting to hear from the oncs office regarding my second opinion on my slides. What the he*l is taking so long??? I am like, fine, I don't think I have anything in me anyway and would rather skip the follow up of chemo, but then I am like, I want to do it and get it over with and with God by my side, live the rest of my life and be free of those demonds that were growing in me. Is a longer wait better? Meaning, maybe they were wrong or are they just stupid, or don't care about trying to hurry things for people?? It is driving me nuts. I was very hungry today, all day at work, and had energy. To me, that is a sign I am doing well and maybe the miracle is there. Man, I wish this was over already.
Karen has a yeast infection and called her GYN considering what is going on and she has endo, and a cyst removed 10 years ago. They gave her a hard time because she has not been there for three years. She couldn't get an appt till end of February, even with the infection! She told them to kiss her butt and called my GYN and has an appt for the 20th of Jan. I laughed, told her when he sees her and finds out she is my sister, after the surprise with the events of my surgery - he probably won't want to touch her!
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First Day at work- GREAT!!!!!! 01-03-2005 - 02:45 PM
January 3, 2005
I went to work today and it is the first day since all my nightmares started that I felt really good and back to myself. I spoke with my boss regarding the issues I will be facing and to my surprise I found out his wife had breast cancer last February so he can totally relate to me. He is a really nice man anyway. He told me not to worry and if I am not at work I don't have to worry even if I don't call. As far as the other supervisors, he said he will just say I don't feel well. That is good, I don't feel like saying anything. They will find out in time. I really feel good and still feel God is on my side and will keep me safe. I even felt hungry today! The only thing that I had today was a little pink blood leftover from my rendevouz with Richie last night, boy was that worth it! I still hope the slides were wrong!!!! If not, demons stay gone!!
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Moving on 01-02-2005 - 08:03 AM
January 2, 2005
I am moving on whether I want to or not. I will be going back to work tomarrow, for how long who knows. It depends how I make out with the chemo. I will have to tell my boss upon my return what my situation is. Rich told the boys yesterday and he said they took it well and are supportive to me. They know I am scared and need them to be strong. I was at the cemetary visiting Mom & Dad when Rich told them. He did it for me so I wouldn't cry when we told them. He is so great, I love him so much. While he was talking to them I sat at the grave and cried, prayed and begged for forgiveness and a miracle. I must say, now that the boys know I feel alittle better. Today I have to go tell my sister and I am dreading this. I have 7 brothers and sisters and just really want to hide from the world. I will get a call Monday or tuesday from the oncs office regarding the second pathology. I am still praying for a mistake. It would really be great, wouldn't it? All of this is just a big mistake!
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Good bye old year 12-31-2004 - 06:53 AM
December 31, 2004
I don't know what the new year will hold but I pray it has got to be better than the last. I had my second opinion at Fox Chase and they are saying the same as the doctor I have here. All my test are in my favor that none showed sign of anything in my body, but they still say it is rare for that type of cell to start on the ovary. However, they are reviewing my slides, and I may find that out Monday or Tuesday. The doctor said he will notify my onc here, and he said he recommends me to have 6 rounds of treatment that will be a combination of drugs that will hit me for the ovary area and GI in case there are microscopic cells floating around. I am not looking forward to this and would rather not do it. He said I will loose my hair, that bothers me the most. I am still gonna work, if I can, so I hope it is not set in stone that my hair falls out. We had the wake for my father-in-law the same day as the appt, missed the first viewing so everyone is like are you ok? I am fine. I haven't told anyone yet. Nice way to start the new year. We buried him yesterday, the stress has been unreal with everything happening at once. My boys are not going to take this well at all. I just wish I new if this feeling of nevousness is from stress or not. I haven't lost weight, knock wood, even though I admit my appetite is really not there. It was ok when I first got home from surgery, but all this has shot it down. I feel like I am a wreck, but everyone who sees me says I look great. What a joke. Please God give me this one miracle in my life and let the cancer be gone since they took that ovary.
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tomarrow is gonna be a long day 12-28-2004 - 01:22 PM
December 28, 2004
I am having alot of anxiety today. Tomarrow is my second opinion appt at Fox Chase, every time I think of it, I get that burny sensation on my arms and belly. I thought they may be slight hot flashes, but at this point I don't know what to think about anything anymore. After this appt, I must go to my father-in-laws wake. The worst part of it is we will not be at the first one, so everyone will be wondering where we are. This is all too much for me, please God let there have been a pathology mistake. I went to my job today, and told my boss I will be back Monday, and he is great about accomodating me if I get fatigued or anything. Anything? Yep, everyone said I looked great and lost weight. I am like , in my head, looks are deceiving, I might have cancer! Again over and over, please God spare me and heal me. I don't know if I will get any information as to what this doctor thinks while we are there, but I know this is gonna be tough going to a funeral (the 2nd one since my surgery) if I do have to have chemo or whatever. I am more afraid that I may be the next one to go. If I have to tell my kids that this is happening to me now, I don't think they will be able to take it, and Rich? God please spare them this heart ache, please lord. Well, how funny, the GYN doctors office just called and my blood work shows I am not menopausal, I guess the sensations are anxiety. Please pray for me.
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The second worst day in my life was today 12-26-2004 - 08:31 PM
December 26, 2004
Today, I watched my father in law die. It was horrible to see him suffer to the bitter end, it was horrible to watch my husband see him die. The only day in my life that was worse than this was April 1, 1997. That was when I lost Mommy. God help us all.
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This Christmas was so weird 12-26-2004 - 07:24 AM
December 26, 2004
Wow, this Christmas was the strangest ever. So much going on, that the family really remember the true meaning of the day. Family, love and being together and the birth of Christ. The material aspect of it did not phase me. My stepson best friends mother turned 51 on the 22nd and had a heart attack which required her to have a triple bypass, she was down the ICU hall from my father in law. Ben was at our house christmas eve and said he would never celebrate Christmas again, I reminded him it is the birth of Christ and through him he gave his mom the stregnth to get through her surgery and he should thank God his mom is her. He did agree. My father in law made it through his catherization and his Christmas gift was being moved from ICU to a room in the cancer center in the hospital. They never put him there before, so Rich and I assume they think he is nearing the end? We haven't asked the doctor. He is weak and frail and we know it is better for him to be there. We spent the day at my sister in laws and Maureen was there. She is in previous posts regarding her cancer and she was so depressed. I talked with her and asked her not to cry, but to keep being strong. She has fought for 5 years and is still doing well but has never really gotten a break. Now she said she is urinating out her rectum, a shunt they just took out did not help I guess. No one is at the offices through the holidays, so she has not gotten answers to the test they ran. That is what bothers her, she wishes she can get it taken care of due to lack of sleep more than anything. I admire her so much for her stregnth and told her so. It made her smile. Myself? In my conversation with her she unknowingly made me feel alot better by telling me PET scans are 98% and if there is cancer it would light up all over. That is good for me regarding my negative test. I can't wait to get my second opinion over with on Wed. I pray I can be healthy, as my test indicate, and have many years on this earth to do something good. That is what I want to do, to do good any chance I get because this all has made me realize all the not so nice things you may have done in your life and otherwise would have never thought about it.
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Merry Christmas, new year has got to get better 12-24-2004 - 07:14 AM
December 24, 2004
Yesterday morning I had my 6 week check up with the GYN. He told me everything was fine, the ovary he left in me is perfectly normal size and was encouraging regarding the tests all being negative. It is funny how at first doctors are so grim and make everything the worst until they get more information. He is happy to hear I am going for a second opinion and he again told me everything came out of me so clean, nothing around in any areas, that these are all good signs that all is gone as the tests show. He gave me the goahead for sex! Yeah. Then I go home and the day goes from upbeat to a crashing hault. My DH goes to my father-in-laws to take him for a doctors appt and finds him a mess sitting in his rocker, blood all over the floor, in the bathroom, on him. He was up since 4:30 am throwing up blood. He has done this before because of his advanced cancer and he is 84. Anyway, I saw my DH had not left yet, and I went over (he lives behind us) figuring I would go for the ride and found this had happened. We took him to emergency, and to make along story short, they pumped all the blood out of his stomach, catherized a large area that the doctor said he couldn't tell with the scope procedure if it was an ulcer or tumor bleeding and now his is in ICU. This is the second time this happened and last time it blew open and he had emergency surgery. The doctors did not think he would survive but did. If it blows again, we don't think he will make it this time due to all considered. God needs to take him home and end his suffering. My christmas wish this year is to make us all whole in our hearts, free us from any more disease and for those who are suffering, to find peace. I pray for us all who are walking this earth. Amen.
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Picked up my slides 12-22-2004 - 08:46 AM
December 22, 2004
Today I feel pretty good. Yesterday, I received my packet for my second opinion at Fox Chase. I haven't told the boys what I have been going through as of yet so I couldn't go get the rest of the required reports till it arrived so nobody would see it. I went to the hospital and picked up my ultra sound films and report. When I read it I was very mad because the report stated the one "fibroid" looked a little suspisious and a follow up xray is recommended. WHY didn't that idiot GYN send me for it? It could have made the difference of having a trained oncologist involved in the surgery for biopsies! I am Honkerblonked and I am supposed to go tomarrow for my check up and I really feel like telling him off. Anyway, then I picked up my slides at pathology. I have really been praying that when they are looked at again, there is an error of some sort. It was very strange looking at this closed manila padded envelope that basically contains my life. I have been suffering from servere anxiety attacks (I think) since my surgery. After I left the hospital, I went to the cemetary to visit mom and dad. I sat there on top of the grave and cried. I asked them to please help me and asked God to hear my prayers. There was slight snow there and I touched it to my lips. Mom always said when she was in the hospital,"I am waiting for the snow." I went to mac donalds and ate lunch because I have not had much appetite and have lost some weight. Of course this causes me more anxiety because I think is it cancer killing me or is it my mind! After I ate, I went to the church. I had the slides in my purse. The doors were locked and I felt so helpless. I went to the convent and a sister answered the door. I was crying and asked her if there was a priest I could talk with. She was so nice and told me where to go. At the rectory, I asked for a priest and the lady looked at me and let me in and found Father Gene. I explained to him while I cried that I was raised Catholic and even thought I have been away from church, I still pray and never lost my faith. I explained what I have been going through and asked him could he bless me and the slides and pray for me to have a miracle. He consoled me and prayed with me and blessed me and the slides with holy water. I thanked him and went to my car. I felt better and looked in the mirror and saw one drop of holy water coming from my hairline down my forehead. I just watched it trickle down and it reminded me of how blood dripped down from the crown of thorns on Jesus. I touched it with my finger, closed my eyes and kissed my finger to have the water in my body. I felt better and feel God is with me. I told Rich later on what I did. I have felt better since.
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Dr Cohen at Fox Chase 12-20-2004 - 08:23 AM
December 20, 2004
Carol called me today from Fox Chase and gave me the appt for the second opinion with a GI Oncologist, Steve Cohen, a nice Italian guy she stated. It is for Dec 29, so I will have a good idea what my new year holds for me. I pray everyday, that they got this out of me, and if it is GI like they keep saying, Mom and Dad were watching out for me because Colon Cancer is supposed to be very treatable if found early. If they can't find the primary, then it must be small, which hopefully is early?? I am terrified every time I think of it, but keep holding on to God and my angels mercy. I am not loosing weight even though I don't feel my appetite has been good. I don't throw up after I eat, I had some naseau for a couple of days but I think it was my nerves. No blood in stools, as a matter of fact since my surgery, I have been going better than I ever did. No runs. I don't know. Look at Daryl Strawberry. He has survived right? It is just I have seen too much of the grim side of cancer very recently and with Mom. My mom was diagnosed advanced stage, the surgeon gave her 6 months. She had tumors on her liver that were large. I am terrified of that. Maureen, is the sister of Mark on my in-laws side that has colon cancer. She has been having alot of trouble with it from the onset and is still here 5 years later. With all her problems, she still is getting around and fighting. Please Lord, have mercy on me, don't take me from my family at this time. Let this hysterectomy, have been a surgery that saved my life. Please God hear my prayers.
On a lighter note, Rich and I made love last night, no penetration as I am not cleared for that yet, and it was wonderful. I had an orgasm! I was so worried I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. I cried, and my husband held me and was so wonderful with me. I can't hurt him by making him see me leave from this demoned. I won't do it! I will fight this to the end! My end will not be for many years! Please Lord give me the chance!
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To Fox Chase 12-17-2004 - 09:33 AM
December 17, 2004
I spoke with the appointment coordinator today regarding going for a second opinion. Today, I think is the first time I think I am realizing I have cancer. What kind is to be determined, but it is probably colon as my Mother had. I am looking at it as the girl said, all the tests are good, so if it is there, it is early even though it was found on my ovary. She is calling me back with a doctor and an appt date. How does that make sense. It doesn't, but she did say sometimes the cancer is of unknown orgin and then the doctor makes an educated guess on a treatment. She did say I need to tell my boys because I will need some treatment. I have a big family and I am dreading telling them, Karen, my sister is going for a consult today for her first colonoscopy. I am holding on to the hopes they got this early and I can come through this ok. I am too young, this is bizarre. Any time the word cancer is mentioned, everyone thinks the worst.
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This is getting to be too much already 12-16-2004 - 06:58 AM
December 16, 2004
Ok, so I follow up with the pathologist yesterday, and he tells me again this baseball sized growth in my right ovary was cancer. He still says he feels this did not start on my ovary due to the cell structure. All my pet/ct/endoscopy & colonoscopy came back clean. He also stated all my blood work was in normal ranges. He is still saying it is from the GI tract but in the same sentence, he says but it could be one of those odd situations but he has never seen it happen. He point blank told me he is baffled and wants me to get a second opinion. He did state, that if they conclude it is just ovarian, he would recommend 6 months of chemo even though he classed the growth stage 1, I guess due to the size he would recommend doing something. Then he also stated, the watchful eye approach and get scanned every three months. Fine by me and we decided at Fox Chase so I can get a second opinion. I said, can't it be that it just was there and by a miracle I was lucky enough for it to all be taken out? Again, he is a Doctor and just doesn't want to say that it could be so. So, I went from feeling so grateful and joyous since the word on Friday from my tests, to all depressed and worried again. I am worried that the waiting may allows the demons to take controll again and set up house somewhere else, I am afraid because they left my other ovary and if I got it on one, why not the other. I think these doctors just don't know what to do anymore with people and the grace of God is all we have. I am too young to die from this sort of thing.
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Pathologist today 12-15-2004 - 05:55 AM
December 15, 2004
Today I will see the pathologist, that holds all my answers - hopefully. It is so strange how the doctors were so quick to tell my husband I had a cancerous growth on that ovary but for 4 weeks now, I can't get any information about it other than, thank God, those negative PET/CT results. They are like they don't know what to do with me last time I spoke with the GI guy, because they were sure he was going to find the orgin in his area. Believe me, I am not complaining, it is just my life has been turned upside down from this and I hope I don't need further treatment due to them not finding any trace left in me other than that mass they got out. I am not fearful today about this appt, just very curious, I am concerned a bit about doing nothing. I hope they feel close monitoring is the follow up due to the results. I do want to know what the blood said the night of my surgery and maybe get a surgical summary to satisfy my own mind. My mind is my worst enemy, it always tortures me.
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Praying for only good things this new year 12-14-2004 - 06:23 AM
December 14, 2004
The funeral for Mark was nice, and the family held together strong. I probably would not have done so well there if my tests had came back with bad results. Maureen looks good, she is Marks sister and is battling colon-cancer for 5 years now. I spoke with her later, and she is having problems now with her bladder but she is so strong. I told her she was inspirational to me for her stregnth. She asked me how I was doing from my surgery and asked a few questions about it. I never have told anyone what I have gone through these last 4 weeks and I will not. My husband and I will hold this secret tight. I told her I am fine, and everyone else who asked. I am fine because God shed his mercy on me. I thank him every day and pray for everyone. My father in law struggled through the two days. He also has cancer at 84, he is loosing all energy and struggles just to get dressed. My husband and I fear if he will make it till Christmas. We pray for him to go to sleep and the Lord take him. He was always so vibrant. Alot of my guilt I have felt and said in my past posts are due to him. His house is right behind our property and he never had any other intrests outside the family. Everytime Rich and I wolud go in the yard to spend time together by the pool or to do yard work, there he was 5 minutes later and he would be with us for hours. I resented it alot because Rich and I both work and are time alone is scarce, the three boys always around also. He was always there every time. I would curse him in my mind and sometimes my resentfulness would show in my attitude toward him. I just wanted to have time alone, in my yard with some privacy. Well, that was some time ago, when he got cancer, it was worse because he would come over when Rich tries to work on something and he would just be in the way. He also can't hear, and it would frustrate Rich so much, it would get me aggrevated. I always thought he would end up giving my husband a heart attack because my father in law would just never get the hint he was in the way or he should let Rich do it alone. He always stood right on top of Rich also. It would drive me nuts. I realize now how harsh I have been and am better now, better late than never. When I was in the hospital I prayed for God to forgive me for being so selfish and hard through the years, and my heart feels lighter now. I don't feel resentful, my family makes it difficult sometimes regarding being harsh but I am trying. I invited all my siblings for a holiday party this Saturday. We have not gathered since my father's death 5 years ago. It is funny how things that happen to you change you. That is why they say that God works in mysterious ways.
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Saying goodbye to Mark 12-12-2004 - 07:35 AM
December 12, 2004
Today will be a sad day, Mark's wake is today and he will be buried tomarrow. He was only 55 years old. My brother-in-law, Paul was very close to him, it will be a hard day. We all loved Mark, he was a really nice guy, even my son who is 21 years old said the same about him. Coming from someone his age- that is impressive! Well, I will wear Mom's cross today so she will be with me. Her cross was the last gift my father gave her at christmas. She died in April and my Dad wanted me to have her cross because I helped him pick it out. I really did not want it at first because the only time she wore it was when she was laid out before her burial. My Dad insisted and I gave in and took the cross and I am glad I did. I feel a peace when I have it on and sometimes I hold it in my hand for stregnth. I have done that alot lately. Rich and I are so close through all the rough roads we have traveled lately. I am so thankful for him. I am thankful for so much, and now I have a new guardian angel to help my family.
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I GOT GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!! 12-10-2004 - 03:01 PM
Everyone, first of all thank you for listening to me these past few weeks and supporting me with your kind words!! I just got the results of my PET and CT scans!!!! There is nothing in me!!! The doctor told me all is fine.!!!!! He still wants me to follow up with the oncologist because the GI guy told me, even though my tests were negative, they are unsure if they should do anything else. Because I am 43, and the largest"fibroid" turned out to be a cancerous tumor on my ovary, from the pathology report (supposidly) they are thinking to send me to sloan kettering. I don't fit normal protacol, I guess. But they cleared me today and I asked again that those test would have showed any cancer in my body, and he confirmed yes and that there was none!!!! OH GOD, thank you for your mercy on me!! My husband and I held eachother and cried. I thanked God and my mother and father for watching over me. I realize I will have to be monitored, and made the appt with the oncology office because I will do what they want, if for no other reason but to show that there is exception to the rules and just because of age or whatever- everyone is different. For all I know, they may have even mixed my biopsy up with someone elses! That is very wishful thinking!
God Bless all of you and hope you have a joyous holiday!
Debbie
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Now I don't want to know. 12-10-2004 - 07:02 AM
December 10, 2004
Man, I am nervous today. The assistant at the radiologists office told me on Wed, it can take 48-72 hours for my doctor to receive my results. Today will be 48, and I was going to call the office later today to see if the results are in but I am too scared. I have been waiting, and I feel like I just don't want to know. I can't bare the thought of getting bad news from this. I am trying to hold on to how I feel deep down, and know God will help me but I am terrified. With all this cancer around me with my loved ones and to see what it can do to people, I just can't imagine having to do battle with it myself. I don't want my husband to suffer or my children to suffer, to watch me be sick from treatments, loose my hair, or perhaps not even get a chance to fight. God, please help me. I am so scared.
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Another kick in the gut 12-09-2004 - 08:16 AM
December 9, 2004
Well, today with tears I add this to my journal. Mark, my brother-in-laws brother passed away last night, yep from cancer. He was early 50's and has suffered for a long time with throat cancer that spread to his stomach. My brother in law is crushed. He is going to tell his Dad today, who is not in good health from a stroke a few years back. His sister is battling colon cancer for like 7 years now, it has been very bad for their family, cancer runs in their family in all shapes and sizes. Mark, had survived a liver transplant about three years ago to suffer and die from cancer afterward is so sad. He will be missed, he really was a nice guy, I liked him alot. He had the nices crooked smile. I pray for their family. My sister in law said she is worried about my father-in-law because yesterday he was not doing good, cancer there also, he is 84. My hubby Rich, takes him every friday to the oncologist for a vitamin shot of some sort, so he will let them know he is slowing up. He is not doing any treatment because of age and three tumors. How can I be added to this list of doom?? Please God, spare me from this, I can't have cancer in me anywhere. Please let my test be ok. I would suffer with any ailments everyday the rest of my life, just please no cancer. Today, I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel of life. When will the family have happiness again instead of nothing but sorrow. I want to be here for my husband and kids and be healthy, to bring joy to them.
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Do I feel better now? 12-08-2004 - 01:52 PM
December 8, 2004
I woke up at 7AM today, tried to sleep in because no food this morning for my PET and CT scans. Today is the day I have been waiting for, to get the tests done, soon to see exactly what I am dealing with and get going! They told me the Doctor should get them 48-72 hours.
Do I feel better now that they were done? I guess. I almost started crying after the guy put the IV in me and I drank my banana cocktail, not to bad tasting I might add. Anyway, there I was, in the recliner, all by myself doing the rest thing before the test. Rich is outside in the waiting room and I am all alone. I looked at my arm, looked around, and almost started crying. I can't believe I have to go through these test! Then my thoughts turn to Mommy and how many times she must have cried when she was alone like this, all I could think of was this is how chemo will be if I need to do that. Crap stuck in my veins all the time, it was very overwhelming. I am not the strong person everyone thinks I am, this point in my life I feel like a child. If only I could crawl into my Dad's arms for a hug like I used to so many times. He is with Mom and I know they are helping me. I got a grip before I started really loosing it, and started saying the Lords Prayer over and over. I have been praying for mercy on my soul for the last three weeks. I hope he finds forgiveness in his heart for me and heals me. My heart tells me he has, but because we are humans, until I get these test results, I still will torture myself with my mind.
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Well, tommarrow is the day to set me free-hopefully 12-07-2004 - 07:33 AM
December 7, 2004
Finally, I don't think I could go through another sleepless night! Tomarrow is the CT and PET scans I have been waiting for. Hopefully I will not have to wait long for the results and can move on, where ever that road leads. I need direction, and to have some control, I can't help that. I found out yesterday, my brother who is just 2.5 years older than me, makes him 46, is going for a catherization and possible angeoplasty next week. Another thing to worry about. They say things happen in three's, not counting myself, he would be it. Harry, Ronnie, now David. So far all of us, Thank God are fine from our woes.
Last night was wonderful with Rich. It was my three week mark and we were intimate for the first time. No intercourse but oral and it was nice. All for him but I actually felt the fire down below!! I was worried I wouldn't feel anything after the hysterectomy. I think once we can go all the way again, it will be ok. I miss him so much. He is afraid right now, I think, but if I say ok he is all for it! He is the best thing that ever happened to me.
My mother always used to say, "the biggest thing you and Rich have in common is sex!" Well, I can't complain about that because it may have saved my life. If we were not as active as we are, I would probably have not known what was growing in me. I opted for the hysterectomy, because of the discomfort with sex, I really had no other symptoms that bothered me to make me decide to have surgery. Due to our sex life being so great through the years, I wanted to be able to continue that. Funny thing, so Mom - you were right, but it may have been a blessing insted of a curse!
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Well, loosing sleep again 12-06-2004 - 06:58 AM
December 6, 2004
Well, I have not been sleeping good for the last two nights, at least I know why. It must be my upcoming CT & PET tests on Wed. I am praying there is nothing in my body except good things! I try to keep listening to my husband but it is hard. Rich keeps saying they are doing these tests just to be sure there is nothing in there. I know the nurses basically said the same thing, but it is hard for me not to worry when they tell you they took out an ovary because cancer cells were on it. You know the more I think about it, I have not even been produced any hard core evidence of that finding except from word of mouth. They were wrong when they were convinced it was cells from the GI tract, so I guess I should focus that it was isolated whatever the heck it was. They took it out- they checked all around while in me and found nothing else. God, keep me in your mercy and heal me. I have prayed that so many times lately. I just really don't want to put my family through any suffering and pain. I can't and won't be sick. I have something on this earth I am supposed to do and have not completed the task yet. I am trying to be a better person, and thought I was doing good till yesterday, Rich tells me I seem to get madder quicker since my surgery. I was surprised because inside myself I feel I am calmer. We were talking about mood swings and hormones and that is when it came up. I answered that I guess I am having an imbalance because I didn't realize I was being that way. Maybe after my tests and I know I am healthy, I will take St. Johns Wort. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just want to wake up to a day with nothing to worry about except something stupid!!!
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The morning routine 12-02-2004 - 06:30 AM
December 2,2004
Well, here I am again on the PC with a carafe of coffee promising myself I will be good today and not to over do it. Yeah right. I will get bored as usual and start doing stuff. My belly feels good today, I just hope that little ledge of skin goes away. The thought of crunches at this point is not on my to do list. My first thoughts were of Ronnie today, and I said a prayer for her. I have been getting up around 8 am and today ironically, I got up a few minutes before 7AM. She is due in the OR at that time. Wierd. My CT and PET test is gonna be on the 8th, I can't wait to get that over with to see what exactly is going on with me. The Lord told me not to worry, deep down I feel there will be nothing there and they got all the demons out when they took my right side out. I just can't help going round and round in my head with it. I am so lucky to have had those fibroids, because otherwise those cells could have set up shop worse than they did and would have been unoticed. By then it may have been worse. Richie said when I had the colonoscopy, the nurses came to get him when I was waking up and they told him I would not stop crying. He said he was so scared they found something. The nurse said to him that I was calling his name and crying that he promised me everything would be ok. I remember waking up with tears in my eyes, I don't know if subconciously I knew the doctor gave me an all clear in the procedure room or what. I was so scared in the room when they were getting me ready to get knocked out I was almost crying, maybe it just stayed with me till I woke. Who knows, except I was so happy there was nothing there. I couldn't bare the thought if they told me I had that cancer that took my mom and is torturing others I know as we speak. Thank you God! I pray everyday now, which isn't a bad thing, but it really has made me different inside. I really am not afraid to die, but who wants to? Mom and Dad will be waiting for me there so I won't be alone. It is just I don't want to break Richie or Greg's heart that way, not at this point in their lives. It is too soon for something like that. I need to be here for them and I will be.
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A sad Day 12-01-2004 - 06:03 PM
December 1, 2004
I started out good today, a little soar from yesterdays outing but did well. Even worked on the PC then my stepson went to the food store for me and we made a list of all the baking items I would need. Jesse is a good boy, he always helps me with everything. So, this afternoon I made Turkey and rice soup with the leftovers from Thanksgiving in hopes nobody gets food poisining. Even baked Banana nut bread for my Richie to take for his breakfast. Overdoing it again, oh well. Then I get the call from our dear friend, Harry, he was just in the hospital due to a cancerous polup, or however you spell the darn thing, but thank God they say they got it in time. He tells me his wife Ronnie, on Thanksgiving day was rushed to the EM and she is in intensive care for a triple bypass at 7AM in the morning. I couldn't believe it! They make it through Harry's scare and now this. I couldn't even call her to tell her I would send my prayers and that I love her. There are no phone in the ICU. I really have gotten too many immortality checks lately. Then after doing well all day, I got scared again about my own upcoming tests. As much faith as I have, I am human and scared.
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PEE, PEE,PEE 11-30-2004 - 07:17 AM
Nov. 30, 2004
All I am doing is peeing this morning from all the coffee I am drinking while sitting on this PC. The best part is - it doesn't hurt !!! Even with the colonoscopy yesterday, my insides feel good today! I am happy today, I feel great, and I might even venture on a short trip to the store! I am not going to think about my upcoming tests on the 8th. I am gonna enjoy the day, tomarrow and the future with everything I got. I am gonna try not to let my mean streak come out anymore either. That will be the tough part. I can be very mean and my tongue can cut like a knife sometimes. I attribute that to growing up with 4 brothers and three sisters, you had to be tough. Now at this point in my life, I will be tough only with myself. I will be positive and strong and look at all the things you take for granted. Like - to stop and smell the rose! Hope I can live up to it, I am gonna try. It is the least I can do if I am given a second chance by the grace of God. I feel like I have to throw that in there, so God knows how truely grateful I am for all he has given me. I prayed so much these last couple of weeks, I do pray periodically, but lately it has been with tears from my heart. I asked for forgiveness for all the rotten things I have done in my life and prayed for me to be healed in his mercy. I feel he has listened and I have more to do on this earth. I am grateful.
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The test is over and all is good! 11-29-2004 - 09:14 AM
I cried going into the procedure room, not alot but a little, and all the while praying to God, and my guardian angels that all would be well. I woke up, seemed like minutes later and there was Rich, and then the Doctor and he told us he found nothing. I do not have colon cancer! Nor, throat, stomach! I cried I was so happy. They all seem positive that what was found on my ovary was isolated and they got it all out, even the nurses. My GI guy is sending me as per instruction of the pathologist/ oncologist for a CT of the chest, pelvis, belly and a PET to be sure. I am so blessed so far. Now this will be December 8, but I think my worst fear is over. I watched my Mom leave with Colon Cancer and I prayed that wasn't it. So far, my prayers are answered.
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Liquid Diet today for tests on Monday 11-28-2004 - 06:11 AM
November 28, 2004
Well I am having my first cup of tea today, in lue of my liquid diet for the colonoscopy tomarrow. I am glad I have not had much of an appetite since the surgery, I guess the diet before hand helped. I pray they find nothing, but then what? I need answers hopefully I will get some. I have not told my son or my stepboys any of this. I made it clear to Rich I can't worry them. My son is too young, 21, I can't worry him. I am afraid it will destroy him because I am divorced from his Dad and it has always been me and him. Rich is a great Dad, but it never filled the void in Greg's heart. I can't break his heart and I pray to God I won't have to. When he was a baby I used to pray to God to let me live long enough to know Greg would be OK on his own. He is not there yet, his life has just began, with a job, a nice girl. He lives paycheck to paycheck and I help him alot. I can't leave him or Rich due to this situation. I have prayed to be healed and I hope the Lord can find a reason to hear me.
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I feeel good today 11-27-2004 - 06:37 AM
November 27, 2004
What a difference a day makes. I have been up and around doing things for like three days straight and feel really good. Every morning I get up and thank God for the day, then I look in the mirror to see how swollen I look. My belly has gone down dramatically, I see definition to my rib cage that was not there before the surgery and if it wan't for that little ledge of skin where my incision is, I would bee looking fabulous. I have been in my jeans, yesterday all day. Rich and I did some Christmas decorating inside yesterday. It made me feel good, although I find myself getting emotional at times. I don't know if it is hormones or the clock ticking for my test on Monday. I can't help thinking about it and when I go to the bathroom, I inspect everthing to give me piece of mind. I am going nuts over this, I still am not convinced there is anything there, I had a colonoscopy 4 freakin' years ago! I have done what I am supposed to do! I really just want to get it over with to see where these freakin' cell/cells came from. I still pray they find nothing in the GI and Rich is convinced they won't. I guess that would be the best outcome because if it did start on the ovary, they cut the demons out and God will see me through. I feel too good to have any kind of cancer.
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To be thankful is a gift 11-25-2004 - 04:33 PM
Thanksgiving Day, and I thought it would be hard today and it wasn't. My belly felt good today, even though I was on my feet more than I should have been, even had 2 glasses of wine. I was most Thankful today to see Richies Dad stop over. I kissed him and was happy, he has cancer and is 84 years old and still gets around and looks great. I pray I am that lucky. I truely feel in my heart that what they found in me was isolated, I will know on Monday when I have the colonoscopy. Richie promised me everything will be good, he never breaks a promise. I can't wait until I can be with him again, feel him, I miss him. We are so close and always had a fire for eachother. Seems so silly now that I was worried more about ever being able to orgasm again than anything else. I had no idea I would have a possibility of more than fibroids lurking inside me. I still say it isn't so. I feel I am ok, with God and my angels, along with the love of my husband, I am going to be fine.
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my appt with the GI Guy 11-23-2004 - 03:32 PM
Everything seems to be going better. I feel better because Dr. Eickle is going to do the colonoscopy and the one down my throat on Monday. He was gonna do it Friday but the hospital is closed for Thanksgiving! Do you believe it! Anyway he made me and my DH feel better because he said if he finds something he can get it out right then, or if he sees nothing it is not unlikely that this growth may have started on the ovary. It is rare but possible. Even though it has cancer cells, the fact it was taken out at my hyster, came out easily with no evidence of anything on the surrounding tissues is very good. I hope this was truely caught before it went anywhere and God is giving me a chance to stay with my loving family. I feel in my heart that is really the case, but the word cancer is just too scary. We never focus on all the survivors, only the less fortunate ones. I just am amazed how life goes. It really is something we have all taken for granted. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and my prayers for for everyone who needs one.
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Today is an appt I have been waiting for 11-23-2004 - 05:36 AM
Thanks to all of you for your support, I have been crusin' between the post-op boards and the cancer concerns, and this site is the best for being able to say anything you feel. I cried alittle last night with my husband. I hate doing that because I don't want to make him sad. He is so great, he held me and told me not to worry that he promises everything will be alright and we will get me the best of whatever I need no matter what. I think the worst part of any of this is the thought of leaving him alone. I can't do that. We got together later in life and I want to give him so much that I haven't yet. He is always there for everyone no matter what, helping with anything they need. I always said he was definately my better half. I hate to see him sad, and as safe as he makes me feel and as much as I trust him, I am scared. I keep praying for help from God to cure me and to my angels in heaven. I am just afraid that maybe I won't be worthy of the chances I may need. If nothing else, when your in this position it really makes you look at your life and your inner self. Hopefully, Eickle will have some information I can feel informed with. Rich will go with me today, I love him so much.
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Staples removed but nothing else 11-22-2004 - 05:03 PM
November 22, 2004
Went to the GYN to get the staples removed and I am so honkerblonked off. I want to cry but I need to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about and can give me direction. The Wolfman said today, after I asked of course, that the 9 cm "fibroid was not on or in my uterus but on the ovary they took out. The other two were in the uterus. I asked how come the ultrasound didn't show it and he said because they really couldn't see the ovary when they did the image. So those test are crap, blood test are crap, all preventative measures are crap the doctors make money off of. He said at least it was good I had the hysterectomy or they wouldn't have found it. Big deal, it still leaves me with cancer????? at 43???????? Good bye to him, I asked him for more percoxet. At least I got that from him. Tomarrow I go to Eickle, the Gastro Guy. I like him. I hope he gets me in really fast for the colonoscopy and I pray to God if that is the orgin of all this that it is small and he can take it out right then. I don't want to tell my kids or anyone about this if I can get done the things necessary discreatly. I don't want to break anyones heart even though mine may be already and I know my husband is crying for me inside. I watched my mom die from cancer, she was diagnois so late she had no chance. I have a chance and God willing I am gonna take it and run with it. I need forgiveness in my soul, I feel I am being punished for mean things I have said and done in my life. I have been praying, and feel I was heard, but I am scared. I want to do so much more in my life, and I want to do it for others, to feel I was able to give something back. My husband and I are soulmates, I can't leave him, not now.
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I am starting to feel like a Queen 11-21-2004 - 07:55 AM
Well, it is 6 days ago since my surgery and I feel great. I have been up for the past three days on only a couple pain pills. I have some pain but nothing I can't handle. I want to feel it all. I am going to the doctor for my staples to be removed tomarrow and he better have answers. I am full of questions as to what exactly went on in there. I have my appt with the colonoscopy doctor Tuesday and will proceed as soon as he wants. I am taking this "cell" by the horns and if I have to it will go on the ride of it's life. If there is an orgin left in me somewhere, I will kick it's ***. I have to be here for my husband and my kids. I am not going anywhere at this age. Mom has given me some signs that I will be OK. She died 7 years ago and has watched over me and my family on occasion since then. My dad is with her so I am sure they are banning together to keep me safe. When I needed it the most, right after the doctor told me they found this cell on my ovary, a priest came to the room and asked if I wanted communion. I said yes, and the thought of when I recieved communion for my mother because she couldn't, being in her death bed, crossed through my mind. It was like her and God hugging me to comfort me. The second sign was later that day the worker in the hospital was talking to the lady in the other bed and she said her daughter was pregnant. Then I heard her saying, " she says she is waiting for the snow" and the lady said it like three times. My mother always said she was waiting for the snow when she was in the hospital and the morning she died, April 1, 1997 (my birthday is April 2) I went to the hospital and stood and looked up to the sky as snow was falling on my face. The biggest flakes in a world wind I can ever remember seeing in my entire life and I knew it was her doing it. I knew she was alright. Later that night, in my bed I was crying and I prayed for God to heal me. In the morning the priest came around again and asked the Lord to "heal" these two woman in these beds. It was as if he was repeating the words I prayed to God the night before word for word. So far the last and most important sign I have recieved was from my Uncle John. He is married to my Mom's sister and I have not spoken to him in about a year. He stated he was going through some papers and came across my name and number and decided to call me. It was 10:15 at night! He talked of our family and how important we all are to them. I told him I had surgery on monday but didn't tell him all what is going on. He was inspired by Mom to call me, she always loved that guy and her sister. I feel strong that it is my Mom trying to tell me things will be ok. I am not a very religous person, but I do have faith in God and that he moves in mysterious ways. More to come.
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Why don't I feel like a Princess? 11-19-2004 - 05:42 AM
This is the first time since going to the hospital that I can muster up the nerve to put my thoughts down. It is Friday and I feel pretty good with all aside, I am up and around but alot on my mind. Everything went smooth Monday morning, up until they cut me open. This could end up long, but I will try to give the short version because there is alot to be added later on. The fibroids came out fine, the right ovary, yep one of the two that looked fine- had cells on it. It was removed with the tube because even though the growth was small, the specialist they called in while I was under said it is cancer from somewhere else. I am waiting for results and am all set for a colonostopy appt. If I had bowel prep, they could have did it there but my doctor did not order any. I thought I was lucky for that. My Mom had colon cancer and died from it, i had a colonostopy 5 years ago, go to regular doctors visits. The up side is they say, it is so small it had just got there on the ovary, and if I did not have the Hysterectomy, by the time they found it later on it may be too late. So, the Lord has been watching me and my guardian angels I guess. So now if they find the start of it in my colon during the colonostopy, I guess it will work out because it is like I am getting treatment backwards- they took where it moved to out before the orgin. Please give me the stregnth I feel God is trying to let me know I have, I feel peaceful about it, like it really is going to be ok. I am a lucky one, like Mommy won't let it do to me what it did to her. My husband is so great and I can't break his heart like this nor my son. I won't die from this, I won't let it eat me I won't let this take me when I have not given back to the people who love me. I have had other things happen in my life that have made me mean and bitter, and I have been working on that and I need to be able to give back to the world for everything I have taken so hastfully. That is all for now till I can put down more thoughts, right now till I know more it is a circle of crazy thoughts.
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November 14, 2004 11-14-2004 - 06:58 AM
Holy Crap, 24 hours from now I will hopefully be coming out of the OR. My surgery is scheduled for 7:30 AM, have to be at the castle at 6:00 AM. I am grateful it is early. I did not sleep well last night at all due to a million thoughts running through my head. Yesterday I was a wreck. I started feeling a slight soar throat on Friday night and then woke Saturday feeling stuffy, headache and just wanted to cry!! I was sneezing, so that helped me alittle bit, hoping it was sinus instead of coming down with something. I also found out a dear friend will be going under on Monday also, he has cancer. So alot of prayers need to go around. Ironically his wife had a hyster years ago and has been supportive to me. I wish I could be there for her but the timing stinks! Thank God, I woke today feeling much better and will baby myself all day today and do some last minute cleaning. This web site is the best and truely has helped me alot. I have been telling people about it. At first my hubby rolled his eyes, but when he saw that the site emotionally helped me, he was thankful also. I hope I can stay as calm as I feel right now. I am ready for this, and want to get rid of the tumors growing in me. I hope they do not have any surprises in store when the doctor is in there. Well, all my new friends, I am truely thankful for all your support and will be in touch as soon as I can to post on the pre-op. Boy, that entry will probably be very interesting to read!
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November 11, 2004 11-11-2004 - 02:29 PM
Well, I guess this is a good day to start my journal because I have only 4 days left till I go to the castle. I am 43 years old, happily married to the best guy in the world. Today I went for my pre-op appt with the doctor and I was a wreck. My hubby couldn't make it but when I walked out of the doctors office, there he was waiting for me to take me to lunch. I love that guy so much, he has been great through all of this.
It all started around six months ago when my insides just did not feel right. After the normal approach of test from my regular MD the last stop was the GYN. That is where I got the news that I needed a total hysterectomy due to him feeling large fibroid while doing an internal. I almost died right there, that was the last thing I thought I'd hear. After my ultra-sound, which had to be done vaginally because my fibroids were so large they couldn't see anything with the normal ultrasound, I was told I had a whopping 9.2 cm fibroid on the back of the uterus which measured larger than the "enlarged uterus," then two others 2.7 cm each. This was the third week of September and I hoped to hang on for the surgery till now so I could be home for the holidays. I made it. My big day is Nov. 15th. I am ready and hope I don't have anymore breakdowns. I think that is the hardest part of all this. Not the pain it causes physically, it is the emotional state hysterectomy surgery puts you in. I want to be close to my husband and can't as much as I would like, and my boys(21, 22, & 27) well men, have been great but they worry which I feel bad about. Also, I am just tired of feeling like crap.
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