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kiwi72's Journal
Blog Notes : 5 notes
Comments : 17 | Readers : 1463
18 hours to go 10-14-2004 - 02:53 PM
Ugh. I go in at 6am for my BSO. My doctor tried to convince me to keep my ovaries if there was no cancer. I told him if he could guarantee that these growths won't come back... then fine. He obviously couldn't promise me that.

He said.. that the possibility of going through another surgery to remove this crap later down the line is a better option than starting menopause at 32. I said really... how many major abdominal surgeries have you had? This is my 3rd. It better be my last. I just got really upset because he was being so unsupportive... and as I was leaving he said call me if you chicken out.. and I turned around and said.. call ME if YOU chicken out. He just laughed. He has been my Dr. for 10 years.. he delivered my baby.. I trust him with my life. I just really didn't like his opinion.

Anyway.. during my pre-op appt at the hospital this morning the admitting nurse & I started talking.. she has been through the same thing.. she told me I was making the right decision. I could have just kissed her.. I needed to hear it. I know I am.. I have done a TON of reseach.. in fact.. when she asked me if I knew what surgery I was having and I answered Bilateral Salpingo Oopherectomy... she asked if I was a nurse. LOL.. I said no.. just have done a lot of research. She said good.. there are a lot of women who don't even know what they are having done.

Ok.. so enough of that.. I am at work.. last day.. I have already finished everything.. put my "out of office" on my email & my phone... given all my files to the girl who is filling in for me. There is nothing left to do. But I gotta be here until 5.

I have everything done at home. I only have a few last minute things to put in my bag. Wow... I am trying not to think too much about the surgery itself.. I am afraid. I don't want to die. I know it isn't likely.. but I am afraid of it.

DH and my DDs are going to the hospital with me. Then DH will drive them to school when they have wheeled me in... and then come back and wait.

Please.. someone tell me that I won't die... and that everything will be ok. I need to hear it.

Kyia
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Tick Tock Tick Tock 10-12-2004 - 11:13 AM
Could time go ANY slower? Seriously. It is not like I am really looking forward to surgery... but the waiting is SO much worse. The thing is.. I have stuff to do... but I don't even feel like doing it.

My floors need cleaned BADLY (I HATE WHITE TILE!).. I NEED to clean my desk at home.. I need to finish the budgets at work. I should get my office cleaned before I go out. I should send out an email to the Sr. Management letting know I won't be here. I should get all the laundry done. See! There is so much busy work to do to help time pass.. but I would rather sit here, do nothing and moan about how slow time is passing.

3 Days. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30am.. I imagine, as usual, they will have me come in around 5:30.. which is fine.. cause I can just roll out of bed and go.. not like it matters what I look like for surgery.

Yesterday was almost a pain free day... I get these bonus days every once in a while.. they make me think that I don't need surgery.. then I wake up this morning and remember why. Ugh.

I have to go research to see if there is anything I can do to make my veins better before surgery.. the last time I had surgery they had to change my IV over 10 times.. my veins kept collapsing.. it ended up in my thumb. Don't know if there is anything I can do.. but I will if it will help. Been taking my vitamins (Gummy Vites because I am a baby and can't take the horsepill vitamins that everyone else takes) and my synthroid everyday to make sure I am healthy on surgery day. Everyone around me is sick.. I keep putting on the Purell hand sanitizer every 30 minutes. =)

Ok... well... at least I occupied 15 minutes rambling on and on. Ugh.

Kyia
Discuss (This entry has 4 member comments.)
 
4 days left 10-11-2004 - 12:15 PM
Well.. I actually had a good weekend.. I stayed pretty busy and didn't think too much about the surgery. Had a few moments of panic.. but got through them rather quickly. Work isn't busy today so that is making it a tough day. Realizing I only have 4 days left... Knowing my kids are getting scared... my husband is getting scared. My best friend in the world emailed me today.. she said.. "Call me next week if you need anything". It hurt. So apparently she isn't coming to the hospital.. (which is closer to her house than mine) or coming to see me at home. She gets really weird when I have surgery.. very non-chalant.. like it isn't a big deal. She had two C-sections.. and never thought either of those were a big deal.. so I think she compares it to that.
Oh well.. I can't worry about her... and I guess I should be happy that I have one less person worrying about me.
I am on a roller coaster.. I get these feelings of wanting to call off the surgery.. I tell myself that the pain isn't that bad and I can deal with it... and it seems as though my body always answers with a pain shooting through my abdomin. Biggest fear... dying. After all.. it can happen to anyone at anytime. Second fear... not doing well with menopause.
My shoulders are so tight right now that they hurt... I need to relax and I don't know how. If I was at home at least I would have a billion things I could be doing.. The last quarter of the year is always my slowest at work which is why I am having the surgery now. And I have my 2nd in command doing most of my stuff this week so that if she runs into issues I will be here to answer questions.. so that leaves me with sitting here thinking. I know that in an hour or two I will bounce back and feel better.. and then do it all over again. I am remembering the last surgery.. I actually got shingles one week pre-op the last time. So I guess I am doing better this time. This time I just have the tight shoulders, peeling hands and upset tummy.
Ok.. time to pull myself together.. go get some coffee or something from the breakroom.. shake off this feeling.

Oh... and... hearing about Christopher Reeve sure didn't help the emotions this morning!! =( Prayers to his family.

Kyia
Discuss (This entry has 4 member comments.)
 
Packing & Emotions 10-06-2004 - 10:30 AM
Wow... you know.. you would think it would get easier the more times you have done it.. it doesn't.

I had gallbladder surgery in 7/01, TAH 5/02, jaw surgery 7/02, knee surgery 10/02... so... one would assume I am pretty good at this surgery thing. At least everyone I know seems to think I am good with it. "Wow.. another surgery?" LOL.. if I hear it one more time I will scream.

I was getting my bags ready for the castle.. checking off my list.. I bought new jammies and robe.. make myself feel good about being there.. ya know. And I am just not doing well... I think I am losing it.. I'm scared.. I'm pretending like I am not so that my kids don't worry. DH and I had a fight last night because I want someone to talk to about hormones & getting ready for the surgery and he feels that if he ignores the whole thing it will go away. He cried and said this will never be easy for him and that he just doesn't want to lose me... then I felt bad about being mad at him and about putting him through this.

Seems like I just can't get ahold of my own feelings. I have a couple of friends at work that I can talk to and they are willing to listen.. but one of them just found out yesterday that she needs knee surgery (the same one I had) so I feel like I can't really talk to her because now she has her own surgery to freak out about.

I am glad to have this outlet... I have 9 days until the castle. 1 week until Dr. pre-op and I can ask all my last minute questions. I just want it to be a month from now.. I know it will be better then... but then I'm also afraid of the future... and the hormone issues... I just want to be one of those women who can stick on their patch and be good to go. =) Here's to wishing.

I guess I should get back to work... don't have much time before I have to hand the reins over to someone else. Thank you ladies... it's good to be here... it really is.
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The beginning 10-04-2004 - 05:19 PM
I actually wish I had this journal 2 1/2 years ago when I first started this journey with hystersisters. But.. this is as good of a place to start as any.

My actual journey started right before I got married. I got married when I was 18 1/2 and decided I needed birth control before. I had only moved to SoCal 6 mos before and hadn't seen a OB/GYN here yet.. so it was a matter of picking one out of a phone book and going to them. Boy.. did I hit the wrong jackpot with the one I chose.

I went and saw this guy.. which I should have walked out when I saw the waiting room.. but I was shy and didn't have much life experience. When the Dr. saw me he asked if I was pregnant and I said no.. I wanted to start birth control. He felt my lower abdomen and said.. you are pregnant.. about 3 mos. I told him no.. that wasn't possible.. I just ended a period and it was a particularly difficult one that lasted 6 days. (I had had bad cycles since I was 13). He said.. I guarantee you that you are pregnant. Well... he told me to go pee in a cup and wait in the waiting room... next thing I know.. he brings me back and says, you're right.. your not pregnant.. but your uterus is the size of a 3 mo pregnancy.. you must have a tumor.. you should go to LA County Hospital to have surgery. Obviously I was freaked out.
Well... after thinking I was going to die...my future mother-in-law took me to her Dr. They diagnosed me with large cystic ovaries... gave me birth control and sent me on my way.
Well.. fast forward... 3 children, a lot of OB/GYN's, Birth Control, Hormones Later... after enduring years of extremely painful periods.. my Dr & I decided it was time for a hysterectomy. My mother & sister had one.. it seemed pretty much inevitable.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis on top of the cystic ovaries... and my Dr. felt that getting rid of the endo would end all my issues.. and said I was too young to have my ovaries removed.
So.. I said.. OK. =)
Fast forward again.. after 2 WONDERFUL years without pain.. I must stress WONDERFUL... I started having that twinge.
I thought.. no... no way... this can't be... so I ignored it. 2 months.. it was getting more persistant. So.. time to see Dr again... did vaginal ultrasound.. yep... cysts are back with a vengance. Dr says.. I think they will go away in a month or two.
HA HA.. I knew better. 2 months of BC... nothing but bigger... 4 months of BC... I said.. enough is enough.. I want them out.
Dr says.. yes.. your right.. I agree.. but let's just take that left one cause the right doesn't cause you as much problem. WHAT? WHAT? Are you kidding?? The fact that I am being sawed open AGAIN when it could have been taken care of the first time is frustration enough.. now you want to leave one? Why? My insides are just that attractive that you want to see them again in 2 years... NO WAY.. no siree bob!
So... he says.. ultimately it is your decision.. well.. then.. take it all out.. in fact.. take anything else in there out that might be a problem somewhere down the line!! Heck.. I only need one kidney!
So here we are... October 4th.. surgery in 11 days and counting.. as I am sitting here my right (yes right.. the one that doesn't cause me as much problem) ovary feels as though it is blowing up.. I guess if I had any second thoughts.. it is just reminding me that I am making the right choice.
It is a matter of choosing the right hormone... going with the patch.. getting things ready.. preparing the kids.. the house.. the job.. the husband.
I'm scared. I am constantly asking myself if it is ENOUGH pain to justify the surgery... and it is hard but i tell myself that ANY pain is enough.. any pain that makes you so you can't tie your shoes is enough.
I work out 3 times a week.. but have to avoid stomach muscles.. because I might irritate my cysts.. so.. the rest of my body is looking pretty good.. my tummy.. well.. not so much.
I am going through the up and down of it... right now is a down.
This is a great outlet.. I think I will be back here again soon.
Signing off.
Kyia
Discuss (This entry has 1 member comments.)
 

 


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