It's been hard just coping day to day without trying to write any of the feelings that go with it.
It seems to be a merry-go-round of having new problems thrown at me constantly.
This past year has been the fulfillment of what I always used to dread when thinking of the future. A serious illness and daily handicaps to try to overcome.
Perhaps I'll write more later, but for now....it's time to take pills, check them off the list one by one.

I am so glad to be able to say that my first 3 mo cancer checkup went well today. I will have these every 3 mo for two years, and then every 6 mo for three years.
I do have to go back in four weeks but that is to have my port flushed. It has to be done every 4 weeks to keep it clear. I will see the doc then as he wants to keep on top of my weight and meds for the bowel problems.

It was a beautiful day here. Seemed more like October instead of September. The sycamore trees are beginning to turn color....yellow. And the sassafras are showing their red leaves mixed in among the green. Huge flocks of robins are coming through now of an evening. The hummingbird feeder has to be refilled every morning now. Those little boogers are really putting away the food!!

later...

I wonder if the new will wear off concerning this Journal? I find myself wanting to make 3 or 4 entries per day right now. Oh well, I suppose as with most things, I will write alot for a few days and then disappear for weeks at a time!LOL

It's a beautiful morning here in the Ozarks. Definitely looks, smells and feels like Fall is here. This is usually a sad time of year for me. I do not like watching the trees become bare and I always feel so abandoned when the birds and insects are gone. Yet, when I put things into perspective....I know I need to find the beauty in each season......each day.....and enjoy it. I will try.

Sales of my pottery on eBay have been good. I have three that I need to get wrapped, packed and shipped today. My mother comes and gets the packages to mail them for me. I look forward to the day that I can do this for myself again.

I want to wash windows so bad today!! I always wash all the windows in the house at the beginning of Fall and again in Spring. They have not been done since last Fall before my surgery. I know I'll regret it, but I think I will try just one itty bitty teensy window in the kitchen????

later.........

Well, Labor Day weekend 2004 is over. I am kinda glad in a selfish way.
It was hard to hear people talk about going to the lake, water skiing, camping, etc. Those days are over for hubby and I. We sold the fifth wheeler when I was diagnosed with cancer. And now since the intestinal surgery....well, I can't even get out of the house, let alone go to the lake anymore.

Our last trip was the weekend after Labor Day last year. I remember standing in the camper, gazing out of the kitchen window at the beautiful lake and the thought came into my head, "This will be your last trip here."
And it was. three weeks later the cancer nightmare started with a bad PAP test.

I miss the lake. I miss alot of things. I even miss going to the grocery store. I used to complain about doing the shopping. But in the last 11 months I have only been able to get groceries twice. That was back in June.

I miss driving a car. Oh, I'm capable of driving. Just not capable of being away from a bathroom for over 10 minutes!LOL

I miss being Gramma. A 'normal' Gramma. One that can babysit.

I miss being a 'real' wife. I miss having the strength and energy to do the laundry, cook the meals, vacumn the floors, scrub the tub.

I miss feeling like a woman. I do not ever feel pretty anymore. Oh, my hair has grown back to about 1 1/2" and it passes for normal. But I am skin and bones. I wear a long sleeve blouse even in 90 degrees because I figure nobody wants to look at these skinny, wrinkly arms anymore than I do. And shorts??? forget it!!!!!!!
But I am up to 97 pounds. Much better than 86. My normal weight was 104.

Have I whined enough yet?
Oh, one more thing. I will miss my cat, my constant companion of 14 years. I must find a home for her. The responsibility of me, the house, my medical appts., etc...is too much for hubby when adding on the cat. Litterbox, hairballs, feedings.

Why do I feel like I am constantly saying goodbye?

I am so tired of saying goodbye to everything.

Let's all hope I wake up in a cheery mood and can make a list of things to be thankful in the morning

Night.

Almost a year later after finding Hystersisters, I finally get around to this!

It was such fun to pick out my Avatar but I warn you, it may change alot. So many neat ones to pick from!!

For now, it is the swan. After this past year, I feel like the ugly duckling and am hoping to turn into that beautiful swan some day

later....