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Sweety Tweety's Journal
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A day of highs & lows... 03-21-2006 - 11:27 PM
Monday when I went to the doctor she was suprised to see that I still had a fever of almost 101. But the good new is that she felt the pnomonia was gone. She said that she feels based on what I've told her about my cold history (even though I've had nothing that has required medical attention in bout 3 yrs) Since I have an childhood/to almost 18 age history of broncits that she has diagnosed me with Chronic Broncits... I see that this can also be an affect of tissue distores like Lupus, and scleroderma which I am being tested for right now. Possible conection? Guess we'll have to wait and see until I get some of the blood work back. Hoping tomorow or Thursday. My cough is still pretty nasty at times. Having problems sleeping as I feel like I can't breath when I lay down. My right side back/ribs & under breast are extreamly sore from coughing so much! The doctor says I must of injured them with all this coughing. They gave me a nebulizer treatment on Monday which in my opion helped alot yesterday and today, but by mid afternoon I started having problems again. She also put me on predisone to try to bring down the swelling of my lungs. Told me that I could return to work on Wednesday, but she wanted me to try my best to talk as little as possible as she felt the more talking I do the will increase the inflimation. That this could hange on for about another 4 to 6 weeks as my immune system is week and I let it go so long before getting proper medical treatment.

After my apointment yesterday DH and I went to fill my script and get a bit to eat and I came home and layed down. I didn't wake until amost 530 pm. I don't know if was from my nap, or taking the predisone so late in the day but I could not sleep and my ribs were hurting bad. I did not fall asleep until 230 am this morning. DH got up for work at 430. He told me that he sent an email to my boss saying that I had just fallen a sleep not that long ago and that after I woke up I'd call him. Dh included an update from the doctor on Monday.

I called in around 1130 am. I spoke with my manager and told him how my appointment went yesterday and that the doc says I can come back on Wednesday, but that I do need to try to rest my voice as much as I can. I told him I had a nebulizer treatment which felt like it was helping and that I was given some more new meds and about my injury from coughing so long & hard. He said he'd see me in the moring then.

Well around 230 pm he called me back and said Hi Kim this is Robert, and there was a pause, (He sounded like DH's freind Bert who Also go's by Robert at times) and I thought it was him. I was like whats up Bert. (As my boss has NEVER called me at home even to see how I was doing so I did not think it was him) Well he says, I'm sorry to have to do this, especially this way, but As of today we no longer need your services due to your lack of ablity for work. So I said I'm being fired because I've had pnomonia and now Chronic Broncits. Which got worse due to the fact you would not allow me to leave work to see a doctor when you admited to me that I was not getting better? His responce was I can not commit on that. That I have personal items beloning to the company and he would be making arangemnts for me to return them, company cell phone & keys. That my desk has been cleared of all my personal stuff.

Hears the things that bug me about all this!
1. Another associate was also out 2x each time for about a week with pnomonia. He was allowed to return back to work.
2. We have a staff member who falls a sleep at his desk and in meetings on a daily bases. Yes its a medical problem, but nothing much is ever said to him, its just a big joke ever time we go into a meeting the manger tells the people next to him to make sure he stays awake that its the job if they sit next to him.
3. All my write ups which I have recived 2 prior to being fired One back in Nov (Verbal) after a nerve block I was unable to drive the next day due to extream pain (given doctors note Faxed in to them for both days was off was off one day for nerve block excused, but the day I could not drive was unexcused. Was told I should of had my husband drive me in or worked with a family member to drive me in) Also was told the day prior to going for nerve block by my boss that he thought it was just a bunch of hog wash and would not do any good as well as another associate who he is freinds with.

4. In Feb I was issued a Written Repermand, for missing the 22nd & 23rd with sinuse infection, after attending work since the first of Feb sick, I broke down and went in to the urgent care after work. Doctor gave me anti botic & some cough stuff to help with cough, also told me that I needed to take some time off of work and rest & wrote me off for two days, said he felt if I did not rest that I would get pnomonia as he felt I was on the verg of it. That if I was not better to return to my family doc for chest exrays. When I returned I was written up for two days of unexused absence. I was told that I needed to do what ever it takes to be at work. That work comes first. I am expected to be there everday. That any future unexcused absences based on the servirity of the issue could result in 3 day unpaid suspension, or no bonuse pay for a month, up to termination of employment.

5. Normally employee's are given 3 warnings, Verbal, Written, Final ( final sometimes resulting in 3 day suspension w/out pay), then after the final they are terminated if management feels that they should be.

6. When I started with the company I took out insurance in case I got sick that I would still get some income if I was out for more then 5 days. Pay would start from day one of missed work. So that would be 7 days of pay of salary rate of $300.00 per week. So would get $420.00. I've been paying $5.50 a week for the past 10 months. I have called the girl in charge of this 2x an left messages no one has returned my call, but I do feel I am entitled to this.

Current history: I returned to urgent care on March 6th Monday and was given another anti botic (told by doc that the don't like to do xrays in urgent care to pricy that if I was not better by Wed March 8th to follow up with my doctor. Advised Manager of this.

On Weds my manager made the commet that I was not sounding any better, and handed me a bunch of cough drops. Another manager made the commit that I should go see a doctor (she was also in the meeting when I was given my written repermaind)

March 9th Thursday, I send my boss an email around 430 pm at work telling him that my husband has made an apt with me on Monday 13th for 0900 with my family doctor. That I realize that Fridays & Mondays are busy, but I'm not getting any better and I only have one more day of antibotics.
On Friday Mach 9th he pulls me into an office room and tells me that the director of ops says I can't go to the doctor Monday morning my absences have brought consern to him as being excessive (yes Operations manager has hurd me coughing from my desk 4 rows away and in meetings he is well aware of how sick I am). He says I am to go to urgent care after work or durring the weekend or get an apt for Monday after 4pm. My direct manager stated that he agreed that I was not any better, but his hands were tied and asked me to change my apointment to better serve the company the needs of the company.

I called DH and he was very upset. He told me he did not care I needed to go to the doctor Monday morning. So me being the person I am and the love I have for my drivers called the doctor and the latest apt they could give me on Monday the 13th was a 230 pm apt. I told my boss that and he said he would try to work with that.

Monday the 13th came I woke up with bad pain in my back next to my lungs. Dh felt that I need to go to the doctor right away. So I called work & told them. My boss did not say much. I ended up just showing up at the doctor since my appointment had been changed, but they got me in ASAP. They said I had pnmonia and brocitis and at temp fo almost 102. She wrote me off to return to work on Wed March 15th. I called back on Tuesday and told the nurse I was still pretty bad off and she said that she would talk to the doctor but that it would be good for me to continue to rest for another few days. I called work to advise. Was told ok no problem. So my return to work date changed to Friday Mach 17th.
Well Thursday Friday AM I ended up in the ER due to bad pain in lungs an rib cage the told me to rest up and follow up with my doc on Monday. It was 0400 am when we left the ER Friday morning and they wrote me off until Monday. I called my boss and told him. He asked if I'd be back on Tuesday and I said I did not know it depended on what my doctor said. He asked me to keep him updated, which I did.

Tuesday March 21'st I called him back told him about my prior appointment and what the doc had said and that I would be in Weds morning bright in early. His response was OK great see you tomorrow morning.

And then a termination call @ 230 pm.

Dh said he really did not think they would term me as My drivers really like me, and I always give the extra effort. I come in early and work late. Even give drivers my personal cell if I feel they are unsure of there selfs and need the extra boost of confidence that they can reach me anytime. In the 10 months of employment I have loss lest then 10 drivers with having 40-45 drivers on my board. That is far below the industry standerd in turn over in the trucking industry which is about 100 persent turn over. My turn over rate was one of the lowest in the company.

I had 5 drivers call me at home wanting to know why I was no longer there fleet manager. I was honest with them and told them what happened. 2 of them were crying and very upset because I have been there fleet manager form the day they past with the trainer and both do not like the girl that is filling in while I've been out. Say she is rude & does not help them. Its tough. as I dont want to lie to them, but yet don't want to nock the company that they now work for.

I plan on filling for unemployment DH says I should truelly take a few months of it, to get my immune system built back up, and then that I could find something part time 20-30hours per week.

The GOOD news, yes I do have good news, thats were this mix feelings come in. 4 of the men and our pastors Teen age son (he's home schooled) have stated that they are going to help us finish our drywalling, painting ect. They came over today and got most of our kitchen done. I have cabnets!!! Tomorrow they are going to hook up the sink, the stove and the fridge, spray the texture on the kitchen & dinning room & paint it! Maybe even start our living room space & time permiting. (we have a bunch of stuff sitting out side right now under tarps as we have no room in the house for storage since it was all sitting in the dinning room). I am so happy about this!

Only problem is as fast as they are moving we don't know if we can afford to keep up with it all. They were asking about counter tops and we can't deside on a color & the price is a bit steep after just buying all the cabnets. We were just planing on puting down some plywood for the time being. They also asked about our flooring for the kitchen, we want to put some type of wood floor in, but again $ and we have to wait yet. I guess we were not that conserned about our flooring right now. I have a rug in the living room and I have one for the dinning room & our room until we have the money. I would say by the end of July early Aug we would have enough money for these items.

I must say after talking with my pastor today, things do happen for a reason and that even though I may not know that reason god does. I need to continue to follow my believe, faith and trust in him and things will be ok.

I also feel there was a reason why DH and I went to the hotel we did for his birthday, and that when DH went down to the lounge for breakfest on Sunday morning and he and Pastor J struck up a conversation on politics then religon and Pastor J invited ups to come to his Church, New life Christian Church it happend for a reason. Dh has never really been intersted in Religion, some what Athest in a way. I was raised Cathilic. And now we are both attending a Penicostal Church since begining of Dec, both planning to be baptised this spring/summer. (Pastor says he wants me over this cold!) I know I'm stressed and worried right know, but I know I have a big family (chruch) that supports me and understands as well as God is there to help guide me through this walk, and with that I know I will not be walking alone.

As one of the Dave one of the men helping out today left I gave him a big hug with tears in my eyes and told him I don't know how we can ever repay you for all your help as well as the others. This is more then we could of ever asked for. He responded that's what family is for to help each other. And after all your my sister. I have never ever felt more loved in my life then I have in the last few months. I'm proud to be part of this family and will step up to do what I've I can for my brothers & sisters in there time of need.
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I feel blessed... 03-19-2006 - 05:38 PM
Our pastor knows I have not been feeling well and my consern that when I do return to work they are going to let me go. After church today, My pastor, his wife & 3 of his 4 children, and 2 other gentalmen from our church came to our home. Pastor said a prair for me that I will get better soon and that I find a job were I 'm apreciated with better working conditions. I was over whelmed by everyone comeing & praying for me to get better. Then our pastors wife handed me a get well card from the church with a check for almost $200.00 to help with the cost of my medication and what ever we may need. They also told my husband that they will be coming over on Tuesday to help get our Kitchen done and help with the rest of the dry walling through out the house.

Not long after they left Mr & Mrs G came over from our church they brought with them tones of soups, crackers, vegtables, bottled water, klenx. They brought enough food for us for about a week. I've never had anyone do anything like this for me before.

I truelly feel that I am blessed to have the church and god in my life. I hope that by next week I'm well enough to attend church.
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Midnite Run to the ER 03-17-2006 - 10:00 PM
Dh was all conserned that I was getting worce. My skin was pale, my breathing was labored & I was having sharp pain in my back around were the lungs end wraping around to below my breast on the right side.

I called nurse direct & she said to go to the ER. Got to the ER and they took blood, did a chest xray, ran a bag of fluids thru me and gave me some tramadol thru an iv. Tramadol only brought my pain down from about a 9 to about a 5.

DR said chest xray looked ok, didn't see any phomonia, but that I still have a bad case of broncitis. He gave me another script for decongestant & cough supressent, told me to take ibprofine for the pain. (I can't take ibprofine & told the nurse this & she said then to take what ever otc pain med I could take). The doctor felt the pain was due to a pulled mucsle from coughing so hard. Said at first he thought it was plercy, but because I still had pain after the tremadol that it was a pulled mucle.

The pain is bad today, I can't lay, sit or walk every time I breath it hurts and a cough sends me into tears. I can feel the stuff breaking up but it hursts so hard.

I think DH thinks I'm being a baby. But you know he walks in to the doctor with a pulled mucle in his back and comes home with pain meds. I'm just sent home and told to take iburpfin. It feels like like someone is jabbing a knife into me. I'm just sick to my stumach from the pain.

I go back and see my GP on Monday I just hope I can make it.
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Updates... 03-16-2006 - 10:47 AM
I saw the N.P. at my doctors offic on monday she said I have pnomonia & broncitis. I was to return to work on Wed, but I called the doctors offic back on Tuesday & she gave me two more days off. I think I may need to go back because I'm still having a moderate amount of pain on the right side when I breath or cough.

I saw the RA yesterday. Dh took me as he new I was in no condition to drive. The ra thinks that I might have
scleroderma or lupus & possible a bowel disorter. He took a bunch of blood work & a urine sample. He did not do much of an examanation said he would do that when I was feeling better. So now I guess its just a wait & see thing for the blood work to come back.

He also told me that he thought it would be a good idea for me to check back with my doctor on this darn cold. My cough seems better (not coughing 10 times a min, more like every few mins), my head is still stuffy, body achy, and lungs hurt.

Well I'm going to go heat up some chicken soup take some more meds & lay back down.
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This darn old cold... 03-11-2006 - 07:00 PM
It's been a while since I've been on this sight. Been busy with work, church and just life in general.

My nerve pian has seem to subsided every since my GP gave me steroid treatments for my suspected Rumitoid arthritis. I've been in 3x since Christmas for medication to control the arthritis. Finnally this week Wed I get to see a Rumitologist! My last visit to my family doc revealed that I may have priosis. My fingertips broke out in an icy blistery rash, which seems to trigger the flare of my arthrits.

About a week after my last steroid treatment I came down with a bad cold. Well at least thats what I thought it was. Finnally after three 1/2 weeks I dragged my self to urgent care after work only to be told that it was sinusistis & that I needed to rest. The doc wrote me off of work for 2 days. Had I known what I was in store for when I returned I never would of taken off.

I was written up again. One more write up & I loose my job. Mind you I've had doc notes for every write up. Well my cold is still hanging on. I went back to urgent care last monday & was given more antibotic, this time told to return to my family doc if not better by Wed/Thursday.

Thursday I called my doc & made an apt for this monday @ 0850. I told my boss about it Friday morning & he went to his boss to get aproval for me to go & his boss said no. (Mind you I've been sick for over 6 weeks, with it in my sinuses, my lungs/chest, and coughing nonstop & I was told no) I was told that I could go to urgent care, but urgent care does not want to do x rays they say to follow up with my family doc. That I need to be at work.

DH is really upset & told me to go to the doctor on Monday. IF they fire me that they'll have to pay me unemployment since I have doctors excuses for everything. They have no right to play god with my health. I've had another co worker quarentined to his home for almost 2 weeks with bactiral phnemonia, and he was not written up for missing.

I left work fit to be tied yesterday. My drivers are all conserned telling me I sound like I have phemonia or broncitis. My back hurts from coughing & I have migranes from coughing with light flashing in front of my eyes at times cause I'm cough so hard. My drivers keep telling me to go to the doctor as I let them have off if they are sick. But I don't want to bad mouth the company & explain to them that the operations director the VP of the company says my health is not important that work comes first.

I'm worried financially. Dh told me that we may have to get another small loan to finish the septic this spring. He wants me to go to the doc monday, but if I do I will not have a job & we have bills to pay. I'm stressed. Tired cause I'm not sleeping well at night.

I know I need to leave this in God's hands... I'm praying he'll give me the awnser or strenght to figure out what to do.
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Updates & Insights... 01-08-2006 - 12:52 AM
I know I have not been journalling as much as I like to, or readying others journals, but I have not been feeling well. It looks like we may have some awnsers.

I went in on 12/29 and they took some test, my sedrate was 35, normal being 20. Over the weekend and into the begining of last week I went into a flare. I ended up back at the doctors office on Wednesday 6 days past my prior apt and they did more blood work. Before the results were back my new GP said she felt it was RA. She stated even though I do not have a postive RA factor she was almost positive by my symptoms that were dealing with RA.

On Friday they called me with the results. My sedrate has sky rocketed. It went from 35 to 85 in (6) days. So she made me an apt with a diffrent RA doctor (cant get in until March 15th) and put me on some medication to help releave the inflamation & pain. She said she's treating it as RA.

All this long we've been waiting for awnsers, but yet I'm not sure I'm quit ready to deal with RA. I'm scared. DH has been doing research on it, and tells me he's going to be hear through thick & thin.

I'm afraid to tell my family, co-workers, freinds, ect... I'm afraid they will blame me, I don't know why. I guess just having a lot to take in right now, and not feeling well does not help. The fatigue & joint paint some days is enough to stop me in my tracks, it litterly takes all I have to do things lately. I'm having troubles holding a fork and cutting my own meat. It's fustrating when my mind & body are not working together....

I just wanted to update you all.
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Bad weekend... 01-01-2006 - 06:58 PM
Friday mid day my pain started flareing... I could feel it in my fingers, wrist, elbow's & toes. By evening it was felt into my neck & shoulders. Saturday, woke up & didn't think I'd be able to get out of bed. Got up & spent most of the morning on the sofa. DH & I went to town to get stuff for our new years eve dinner, came home & dh layed down for a nap, I tried but hurt so bad could not sleep. Only releif I seemed to have gotten from the pain last night was standing out by the bond fire (we burned our brush pile last night) with my back to it. It felt like a giant heating pad.

I worked on tiling part of our halway yesterday only so that DH could put in the water heater. He worked on running the gass line while I did this. I had a lot of problems with my hands my fingers kept locking up.

Today my pain is just about unbare able. We went to church this morning it took about everything I had to go. But we just started going to this church or shall I say church in general this is our 3rd week as we missed last week due to all the christmas stuff going on w/our family that I truely did not want to miss this week.

When we came home I was just in about tears from the pain. I layed down in bed to try to rest. Earlier in the day I took one of my tramadol which normally helps some what for my pelvic pain & it did not even touch this. So I took some bayer and DH had some mucle relaxers left from when he hurt his back, but besides make me a bit groggy it did not seem to help the pain.

I feel like I'm just learning how to type typing this as I am finding it really challanging to move my fingers. I'm not sure if its all joint pain or joint pain & mucle pain, but I do know I'm defently retaining fluid through out my body as my ring will not budge, cant wrap fingers around wrist & my sockes are leaving marks. The cloths on my body feel like a ton of bricks.

I just pray that some day soon we have awners.
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I'm not sure.... 12-29-2005 - 08:07 PM
I'm not sure what to think of the new GP... Maybe I just got spoiled my the great family doctor I use to have(2 yrs ago), I don't know.

I tried to explain to her the best I could what was going on. I really wish DH would of came along, but he was not feeling well & wanted to stay home & rest. I felt like I was cut off and did not get to address all my conserns in the 10 mins I had with her.

I did not get to tell her about pretty much falling asleep driving in the morning & how tired I am when I wake up. I did not get to tell her about the blood in my stool or that I'm in pain with my nerves & need to work with her to try to seek out a plan for my pain or about how my thumb and pointer finger swelled in the joints this week so that I could not bend them.

She asked me a few questions about my history, every time I would try to explain myself she would jump to the next question. She did a very quick exam listening to my heart & lungs. After the exam she said she would order a Sedrate test (because I asked for one) and that I could sit up she would be right back. I thought she ment it. a few mins later the nurse walked in & said lets go do you labs. As we were walking to the lab I saw the doctor chatting with some other office staff. I said I still have some questions for you. She simply said oh well I'm sure I'll see you again after you lab results... I responded yeah I guess its not important that my conserns are not addressed. I just wanted to walk out so bad & tell the nurse for get the labs. I felt so brushed off. I know doctors only have a set amout of time for each patient, but my apt was to be set for a 30 min new patient consiltation.

I was talking with my freind on the way home cause I was upset and did not know what to think... She said to be patient that she had to see alot of doctors before the figured out she has RA. She said alot of my symptoms seem to be so much like hers. Pain in the joints (fingers, wrists, knee's & hips), extream tiredness even after one wakes, genrael inflamation (wedding ring is swollen on for dear life, dh helped me get my watch off yesterday), low grade fevers, cold toes, fingers & nose, dry itch skin.

I guess I would of felt better when I told her that I still had questions & conserns if she would of said oh, I'm sorry lets address them instead of sending me home 50 miles & telling me I'll be back into see her.

There are other doctors in her office, I might just ask to see one of them next time. So know I guess I weight for the results of the blood work... I hope & pray it will reveal some awnsers.

No need to worry about me falling a sleep at the wheel tommorow morning DH is taking me to work. I wish I had some earned time off coming cause I think I would take a few days off or a week.

I know some of you must think I'm crazzy, I feel that way too. My friend re assured me its normal to feel crazzy & like a hypocondract and not to give up.
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I see new GP tomorrow... 12-28-2005 - 08:44 PM
I'm glad I will be seing someone tomorrow. My thumb has gone down, but both of my hands are still swollen & hard to straighten. My body is inflamed.

I've been sleeping the past few nights I think, but I don't know. The reason I say that is the past three days I almost fell a sleep at the wheel driving to work. I could feel my eyes littely try to roll back into my head & close. It felt like I was driving with 1/2 an eye open. I could feel my self swarving. This freeked the heck out of me & DH. I told him about this yesterday and it happened again today. Today I got out of my car & walked around it a bit & one of the guys I work with who car pools with someone stoped to see if I was ok & road the rest of the way with me.

Ugh... Why is this happening. How can I be so tired after sleeping 8 hours that I can't drive to work an 1 hour & 1/2 after I get up. This makes no since.

I feel like I don't wake up until around 10 or 1030 in the morning. Then I'm fine. I'm acturally kind of scaried to drive to work.

I'm also haveing issues again with blood in my stool. I had problems this fall & went to the er but they thought i had a small tear, because the blood was basicly just bright red in the tolit nothing on the stool/in the stool. And when I would wipe I'd have lots of bright red.

Well the past two days its been mixed in with the stool, kind of like red swirls and when I wipe its pink the first time and does not continue to bleed like it did last time.

My breast also hurt bad too. I told DH that I never thought I'd say this but I wish I had small ones cause they hurt. There swollen like watermellons.

I feel like a mess going in tomorrow. I know I'm going to have to work twice as hard tomorrow morning so that I can have my desk pretty much cleaned up before I leave. This afternoon was a nut house at work & my desk was pretty bad when I left. So I have alot of ketch up & ketch ahead to do befor I leave tomorrow.

DH said that if he gets done with work early (has been lately) that he would like to come with me. This supprised me cause he does not much care to come to apt. with me.

I'm going to go try to get some shut eye.
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I feel like I've been ran over by Santa & his raindeer... 12-26-2005 - 11:23 PM
I'm not really sure why but I feel like I've been totally dragged to the north pole & back. I think I'm having some sort of flare up.

All kind of started last night. We had a really busy Christmas 6 places in about 24 hours. My dad's, my stepmom's mom's, then her sisters, my mom's, my grandma Treb's place & then my other grandma's. I really felt exhusted by the time we hit the 4th place & ended up falling asleep on my mom's sofa. I didn't really want to go any were Christmas day, kept telling DH I just wanted to sleep and that we say every year were not going to run like this so lets just stay home. He said that we needed to go to both of my grandma's as they are getting up an age and one never knows what might happen. I knew he was right... So into the jeep and on to the streets to grandmothers house we went...

I layed down shortly after we got home. My thumb started iching so I iched it and with in minuts it was swelled to twice the size and felt like it was gonna pop when I bent it. It kept throbing & kept me a wake most of the night. Needles to day it was a long long day at work today.

My whole body just aches from the joints in my fingers to my wrist, to my shoulders & kneck down to my hips and my feet. My hands itch as well as my neck and by breast feel like their watermellons. Seems were ever the greater swelling is my body iches.

I came home from work & just crashed. I walked into the house and right into the bed. I was dizzy and the room was spinning. I ended up sleeping from 530 pm until 930 pm. I woke up because just the clothing on my body hurt so bad. I had on a sweater & a pair of quards. I just could not stand the feeling of the cloths on my body. The big baggy soft sweat shirt & sweat pants are better, but stil not great. And now am wide a wake with every joint aching.

I received some of my doctors records that I requested form prior doctors for my apt with my new family doct. I found something rather interesting.... My ESR sedrate, inflamation in the body, was high back in Jan of 2004. The gastro doctor had requested that my family doctor do some blood work but for some reason it never got done. So from what DH & I can tell is that my Sedrate has been high for over two years.

It just makes me mad as my GP was trying to blame it all on my insicion that would not heal, but I truelly feel there is an underline factor of something else going on. After DH looked at the gastro's report he also agree's.

I don't know how I'm gonna make it through work the remainder of the week feeling like this. Today was tough & it was a slower day at work, tomorrow is going to be pretty bussy.

Every one is asleep in my house. DH on the bed with Dakota the dog next to him & Zesty the kitty is curled right up next to her sister Dakota on the bed. They look so cute sleeping next to eachother. Who would of ever thought they would grow to be such good buds.

Well I hope you all had a Merry Christmas. I'm going to try to get some sleep.
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Still around just haven't been online 12-19-2005 - 06:20 PM
I'm still here just have not been online lately. Just trying to take some time for myself. My pain is still active and seems to be hitting me more & more inside closer to my private areas in the groin then spreading to my hip. Still many nights of lost sleep due to pain.

Right now I am so cold I cant warm up. My body does not seem to be doing well with the cold at all. I notice that my body temp on a regular basics is running around 97.3 again and I seem to be getting low grade fevers of around 99.2. I will be shivering because I am so cold, DH will stuff a termometer down my throat thinking I'm sick but my temp will be 97.2 or 97.3. He jokes with me I'm cold enought to be dead by how my fingers, toes & nose feel.

My body aches alot I feel like I have the flu, but don't. I wake up sometimes & my hands & fingers feel like they've been frost bitten as they are so cold & numb.

My nerve pain was really bad yesterday. I found 5 ultram that were in our overnight bag & took them yesterday & today. Seemed to ease the pain much better the bayer, but still upset my stomach. It seems like my stumach burns no matter what type of pain reliever I take lately. Last week was bad. DH says its my fault for taking to much, but yet yells when I don't take it. NO win situation.

I have my new apt with the new family doctor on 12/29 as long as my boss does not make me cancel it. I've got to have her try to figure out why I am an ice cube all the time and have her try to help with this nerve pain.

I have been really trying to watch what I eat & have not eatten any chocolate in about 3 weeks. (my favorit pain med chocolate).

I'm still waring pose pads started about 4 weeks ago because I was having small acdts. Seems like the temp change would cause me problems like going from warm to cold or cold to warm, or if I sneese or cough. Thats one thing I never understood since my hyst I have had pain when I caugh. Guess its something I'll never understand.

This time of the year is so hard for me as I see all my cosions with the children and we have none. I feel more depressed the normal. Just seem to be keeping to my self alot. Even at work I don't sit with anyone at lunch anymore. I just take about 20 mins eat & go back to work.

Just dont feel like being around others. I just want to curl up with a blanket & heating pad & a bottel of bayer and stay put. I'm worried that when I have a scope done again for my barrets esphoguse that there going to tell me its gotten worce from taking to much asprin product / otc pain meds. But what else am I to take? I guess thats the price I'm going to have to pay damage to my liver or esphugus/stumach to try to have a pain free day. I truelly beleive that most doctors have no clue what barrets is or even beleive that I have it & that the cells in my stumach are starting to change. Most people who have it are men in the late 50 or 60's. I found out I had it when I was 26.

I have to go find some heat. My finger tips are turning purple.
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ever just want to give up.... 11-28-2005 - 05:05 PM
Sorry but thats how I feel right know. My PM doctor says they can't help me anymore. In my husbands, and in my PM words its my fault I have nerve damage because I weight 265 lbs. The doctor will no longer do nerve blocks and no longer give me any pain meds.

They told me they think I should go into a program for conseling, theropy and possible pain medication but they can't do it because they're not trained. Problem is program is 100 miles away & would involve many visits. I told DH about it & he said no its not going to happen.

He also told me to cancel my family doctor apt in two weeks, because He is not helping me if I loose my job. I don't pay my share I'm out, he does not care.

I hate to say it I wish the deer would of hit me. I tried taking ibprofine and woke up with such bad heart burn I was coughing weezing & throwing up. I whish this barrets esophugus would go away.

This sounds so stupid, as I would never do anything to hurt my self intentionaly but I wish I would die. I'm just a burden on DH. We argue all the time. He says all I do is nagg on him.

I know where not to write about such stuff. I promise u all I wont do anything to hurt myself.
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The 9 point buck that made me sick... 11-27-2005 - 05:30 AM
Ugh, I am still sick to my stumach this morning. Dh is still beeming with joy... Which makes me even sicker.

We were coming home from dinner last night on the out skirts of town, speed limit just went up from 25 to 45 mph as we just went through the last stop in goal light. DH and I were talking, he was upset as 8th day of deer hunting and still no deer.

When bamb, it felt like a ton of bricks hit the Jeep. I saw glass fly. I didn't know what happened as I did not see anything nor did DH. I pull over to the side, he gets out & looks at the jeep, not good is all he says for the Jeep, but turn around I think we got a deer. I'm like we, he ran into me, I did not get anything!

So I turn around, the Jeep does not want to turn easy & takes a wide turn. DH is practicly jumping out of his seat because its a buck! He tells me to pull over on to the side street and he runs out to see if the deer is dead.

I grab my cell and try calling 911. 911 is busy, yup thats right. So I panic & call my dad. No one awnsers. I leave this message that I guess does not sound good at all. I say dad are you there? Then I ask for my step mom & for some one to please pick up the phone and I hang up. DH calls 911 and gives them our location and askes if he can keep the deer. Then hands the phone to me.

I try get out of the Jeep & DH has to pry my door open for me. The guy asks me if I'm ok. I say yes. He asks me if my DH is ok & I say yeah, he's pulling the dam deer across the road to the side of the street into the drive way for the Lions Club next to me. The cop is doing all he can do from laugh as he can tell I'm not one bit pleased about this. He takes my Jeep lisn number, the year, & modle of the vehicle, my address, my phone number, my name, date of birth & then askes me what vehicle we want to transport the deer in. I'm like its not going in mine & I tell him he can talk to DH so I hand him back the phone.

Dh is trying to make room in the back of my jeep for the darn deer. I told him No Way is it going in the Jeep unless you plan on going and buying me a brand new one tomorrow. He got the drift really fast that I was not happy. So he tells them its going to go into his pick up truck.

When Dh gets off the phone with them, he tells me he is going to go home & get the truck & put the rack on the back for the deer and tells me to stay with the deer so it does not get up or no one takes it. So there I am with the darn deer. Before he leaves though he has to call my mom & talk to my future step dad to bregg about the buck.

I called my mom back after he left & she was upset because he left me standing there with the deer & went home. He was back in about 20 mins. But it was cold out there.

When DH came back he expected me to help him lift the deer. I did not want to, but I had no choice luckly I had my gloves on or it never would of happened I dont care.

So from there it was off to my mom's 20 miles a way so he could show them the buck I got. He is so proud of this darn deer. Ugh. I am by no means admused. Mom was not either I dont think even though she did crack a smile a few times, but DH & future step dad gutted it out in her front yard, she didn't think it was so funny then. (they cleaned it up but still)

My step mom called while we were at my mom's I told her what happened. She did not laugh, but my dad did. But the both were glad we are ok. The deer hit so hard my teeth raddled in side my head I swear.

The Jeep has I'm guessing $4500 to $6000 of damage to it. I am so sad about this. I have full coverage, but its just the point & hassle about all this. Dh & I have not had good luck with body shops and my Jeep was mint.

The grill & radator are bent in, the bumper is damaged, the hood is bent, the light is broken, the front quarter pannell is pushed up so fare that its hard to turn the jeep, the drivers door is dented, the mirror is damaged. SO now I cant drive it untill its fixed & left to drive DH's truck which is hard for me to drive because its a stick and with my nerve pain sends me through the roof. I truelly still this morning find no humer in this at all.

Dh still wants to go deer hunting again a today and cant wait to take pictures of the 9 point buck with the 14 1/2 inch spread to to work tomorrow. I told him you darn well better tell them that you did not kill that deer. He said no he is going to say look at my wifes prize buck. He said he's proud of me & I know how to pick them. Still makes me sick & mad!!!

Well I bet you all know were my first phone call will be on Monday. To the insurance agent. I told Dh since he is home early on Mondays guess what he gets to do! Take the Jeep for estamiments.
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I got written up...(first time ever) 11-21-2005 - 07:48 PM
Ugh... What a day. No one around me would talk to me or even give me updates on my drivers. It took me until almost 2pm to get some sort of handle what was going on with them. I never got through the emails, I guess thats for tomorrow as I came in early, worked through 75 percent of my lunch, worked through both breaks & stayed 45 mins late.

One of the guys I work with was fairly socialble & did come by around 11 am to make sure I understood what was going on with one of my drivers that broke down & another one that did a swap. But when he came by to explain what was going on with the one that was broke down, the girl next to me chewed him out because she worked saturday & had to try to find a switch so the load would not be late. I felt sorry for him as he said he checked with the planner & she said there was no one for him to switch the load out. This girl is just down right rude. Same one that said she's been through it all & that I was just waisting my time with the nerve blocks. (I know she has not been through it all as she still has her period so I know she has not been through what each & everyone of us on this board have been through or are going through).

It must of been around 430pm when my manager asked me if I had a few mins. I said no not really but whats up. He escorted me into an office room & told me that I was inviolation of company policy for not coming into work on Friday. Said that in a four month period we are allowed 3 days off total for personal time & sick time. I used one day for my nerve block on 10/19, was ill on 10/20 from the nerve block (could give him doctors excuse for both days, but said no thanks) off 11/17 for second nerve block & ill on 11/18 from the nerve block. My doctor did fax in something for the days in Nov at my request with no questions.

We have another girl in our office who was off 3 days the week of the 7th because she hurt her kneck and was on oxicodene & then she was off 6 hours of her shift last week and had been off 2 other days in October because she & her daughter were ill. She was bregging last week how she thought she would of gotten written up, but she didn't because of her being on medication & not able to drive, ect.

I don't understand what the diffrence is? She has a customer service manager, I have a fleet operation manager. We are both operating under the same handbook, but yet her's were excused because she was on oxicodine.

My boss stated to day that he did not believe in the treatment again that I was recieving and that while he can not deny me to go to my appointments any future time missed in the next month in a halve will be unexcused & I will be reprimanded which could result in termination. He also said Had I listened to him & Ms. R the laddy next to me I would of not missed two days of work.

Dh says I should file some sort of grevance as there is no excuse for how he responded.

I'm at a loss as I do have another appt with my new family doctor on 12/9 at 0830 am, yes I can come back to work afterwards and have no problem doing so, but it might be noon before I would be back and this too will go aginst me. But I am almost out of all my normal scripts for BP, Zoloft, heartburn meds, HRT, some of the meds I will be out of before my apt. We all know no doc is going to prescribe meds with out seeing one.

My boss went into we at such & such company have a high standered for our employees which means they need to be here every day, and when this does not happen disiplanry action needs to happen. But you know people can come back late from lunch daily, come into work late daily (including the manager), fall a sleep in meetings, ect and nothing is every said to them. Trust me if it is the whole building knows. I had 3 people ask me on my way out of work what my boss said to me. I told them it was none of there busness.

So now I am stuck do I go to my apt or cancel. My heart tells me go as I know they will just write me up & my health is worth more then them, but yet I need the $$$. You know even though my old manger could be hard, she atleast tried in the end to work with my schedule & put me on four 10hour days so I could make my apts, or the company allowed us to make up time. No one was written up expecially if they had a note from the doctor. They didn't touch that one.

The drivers can take up to 10 days of personal time after 6 months of employment I have 6 months in, They can take off for apts & we are expected to get them home, if they are at home & call in saying they need more time off we are expected to grant it. I'm not saying I should get time off to go shoping or extra vacation. I am just saying that I truelly feel I should not of been written up, as why the double standard.

DH wants me to file a complaint he feels I am being segergated because of the kind of treatments we are seeking & my boss does not believe in them. I think he & ms R. think its in my head.

Today has not been a good day. Been running a low grade fever for the past 24 hours, hands & feet swelling, migrane, and normal nerve pain & body aches.

Dh bought me a book on fibramilgia, thought it would be good for me to read as my mom has it and We have had two doctors say they are thinking that I too might have it as well, but need further testing. I was reading that book & can guys have it as well? Cause I think my dad has it, by reading everything. After reading what I've read I also think my mom needs to go back in. I think she is having a flare up since she is having problems as well with healing from her surgery in May. She is still having a lot of pain with her shoulder & fare from being released to normal work.

I sent out 2 resume's today. I did not make the interview on friday of course. I called and explained, also told her at this time I would like to find something perment. DH does now want me working for a temp agent.

I wish I could go part time, even 32 hours a week. But I don't know what to say to DH to get him to agree to this. He knows I am having a hard time. I just dont know how to adress the issue. Any sugesstions?

Ugh, IBS is acting up tonight. Gota run you know were.
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It's cold... 11-20-2005 - 07:09 PM
My toes are freezing. I dont know why I am so cold. As its 75 in the house. DH has been out in our woods deer hunting the past two days along with my future step dad.

My mom came over yesterday & brought a big pot of chilly for us all for lunch & dinner. Which was nice because I did not have to cook anything. She stayed home today so I made DH & Jim zesty meat balls, some bake beans & picked up some fresh potato buns from the IGA.

Dh wanted me to come out in the woods with him for a while after lunch, but I said I wanted to lay down. I slept for about an hour & bundled up & took my cane & walked through our field where DH was siting. I was not out there more then 10 mins when I saw a doe. Dh fired 3 shots, but he was so excited his arms were almost shaking as it was the first deer he saw all weekend & he missed. I was out with him for about an hour. I've been inside for 3 hours & still cant get warm.

Back to work tomorrow. I am so nervious about the lecture I know I will be getting for being out of the office. But I did follow procedure. Called in & left message with my bosses boss, spoke with the customer service manager (my manager was not in yet) & left my manager a message. We dont need a doctors note unless we are out more then 2 days, but I had one faxed to be on the safe side.

My pain is around a 5-6 today. I am almost out of pain meds. SO I guess its back to the tyenol. After this last nerve block, I truelly dont know if I want anymore. Just not worth it. I'm at the point I just dont know what to do anymore.

The PM doctor said the nerves are stretched, could this of happend from my last surgery with all the problems I had with that incision? I still worry that when the GYN tore the part of my incision open that was closed he might of done some sort of damage as that was the left side of the incision. The hole situation just fustrates me & I really dont need any opions of my coeworkers as they have no clue.
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It didn't help, I hurt realy bad... 11-18-2005 - 09:55 PM
I must start by saying I almost am begining to think that PM is a joke.

I just learned from talking with DH right before my nerve block (prior to them kicking him out of the room) that I may not be discribing my pain to them right. Dh says I'm tough and can handle more pain then the average person & that he thinks my pain gets too high and I dont know how to express my pain because I hold it in, and maybe he's right. I always try to be tought because I am truelly afraid.

The nurse asked me what my pain was I told her about a 4 to 4 1/2. Now to me what this means is on my scale I can not consitrate, sitting still is getting harder, over the counter pain relieve is not cutting it, I can't function to do my job properly.

She then asks me if the pain meds have been helping. I said over all yes, but there are still days were the meds are not helping, for example last weekend I did not sleep at all because my pain was about a 7 or an 8. I took the pills as orgianly prescribed 1-2 tabs every 4-6 hours and I was not getting much relief. She just gave me a blank stair & said that I should not take them as Sammy had prescribed(the pm doctor that gave me pain meds be for this PM doctor), she wants me to take them 1 every 8 hours. I told her when the pain is bad that does not cut it. She said that DR. M does not like people taking any more then 1 every 8 hours and that If I only take it when its bad I should not need more then that.

Dr comes in tells me to undo my jeans and lay down. His phone rings, he steps out side. He comes back in and starts the procedure, his phone rings again, he come back in and finishes. They stuck a needle in my back with an injection. They have me stand up right a way & ask me how I feel. I said I dont feel anything.

They bring my husband in & the doctor tells my DH that this hole pain issue is being brought on by my weight. Yes I know I am over weight 5 foot 5 and I way about 260. And he tells Dh I need to have baratric surgery. Dh had a family member (distant) die because of complications from that surgery & with the history after my last surgery he told the doctor do you really think its a good idea for her to have surgery until we find out about whats really going on here. They PM doctor says well this is mearly my opion. I say anyone thats over 50 lbs over weight who comes in with pain like your wife's should have this surgery.

Then he gives me my discharge papers & walks out. Dh asks if they are going to give me another script for pain meds I have about 25 pills left. So the nurse calls the doctor back in & he says I dont think she needs them. Tyenol & ice & heat will be fine. They tell me not to take any pain meds for the next 7 days to see if my pain stays gone and that I should of not been taking them for what they call minor pain. I asked her then what do I wait until my pain is a 8 or a 9 she said no, but at least a 6.

Well we were not more then 5 miles down the road when my pain shot to a 7. I was driving, I pulled over, dh helped me out of the car & into the passanger seat and I was in tears. My pain never got below a 6 all day yesterday or today. I have been eating tynol like candy. Yes thats correct.

We stayed in a hotel last night, the plan was for me to drop him off at work this morning & for me to drive the 2 1/2 hours to my work. Dh ran me a hot bath this morning I soaked in there for about 30 mins & he helped me out & I got dressed. I was stil hurting, but I did not want him to worry. Well I hurt so bad I got lost taking him to work because I could not consitrate the pain was so bad. DH desided It was not safe for me to drive to work & had me ride with him all day. I got chewed out when I called in to Customer service manager, she said I better call Robert my manager at 0800 when he comes in. I never did, cause he would of wanted me in. I called my doctors office back at 1000 and had them fax in a note for me to be off yesterday & today. I told the nurse how bad my pain was that heat & ice & tyeonl where not helping & she said give it time. I kept passing in and out on DH most of the day. I really did not have much of a clue as to were we were. I would be a wake for 5-10 mins and then out for another 10 mins. Dh asked me how much tyenol I took I told Him I dont know, enough to kill the pain.

My pain is still bad, but Dh said no more tyenol as it is not helping and I have taken too much with out even realizing it.

I am now to afraid to take my tremidal because when its gone I am afraid they will say I dont need any more & just tell me to come in for a block. I guess this doctor does not belive in pain meds, or thats what the nurse said. Dh is mad cause I will not take the pain meds, but I said what if my pain gets worce & I need them more. I know that sounds stupid, but its the truth. I truelly feel like such a looser.

I dont think this pain management thing is working for me as I dont feel my pain is being managed. I am so glad others of you have found someone to help you with your pain.
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Upset about Work... 11-16-2005 - 08:29 PM
Around 430 pm my boss handed out the split up of my board for tomorrow since I will be off for my nerve block. One of my coworkers who sits right next to me who thinks everyone's buisness is her buisness because she has been then for every, made the comit well who is off tomorrow, who's work do I have to do.

My Manger replied that I was off. She got all huffy & said why are you off, you don't deserve to be off. I said I have an appointment tomorrow in Oskosh & if you think its going to be all fun & games you can go in my place if you'd like. She then goes on to say I am waisting my time by going to the doctor, they aren't going to help me & that I should just take ibprofine & suck up the pain. She stated that the doctors once told her that she had nerve entrapment but all the stuff is a bunch of bs just a way to get your money and waist your time & keep you running back to the doctor.

My boss then jumped in said if you want my opion I agree there not going to do you any good its just a waist of time.

Now mind you neither of these two people have a clue of what I am going through. I responded, well if I could take iburpohine & it helped I would, but in my case I need stronger medication & further treatment.

Oh, I was upset. I dont put my buisness in there life or tell them what to do with their health, but yet they can jump right in on mine.

My coworker stated that anything they are going to do to me is just going to make it worce. Nice supportive people I work with, including my boss. Heck after this I am afraid to take anymore time off for doctors apts, been there 6 months & taken off for 3 PM apt's.

I which I new how to get it through there heads that this is real and that there aditude does not help. This women when our boss was off for a week because of his back, had the nerve to tell everyone at work he must be in jail. I dont get this place.

Why do people have to be so rude?
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I think its going to snow... 11-15-2005 - 05:13 PM
I think we're going to get our first snow fall tonight. When I first left work it was raining hard and 40 degrees, by the time I was home the temp dropped to 36 degrees. Some of the dropps that it my window looked more like snow then rain.

Zesty wanted to go outside when I came home, but I would not let her. Its raining hard & I hated to even let Dakota out to go to the bathroom. I wounder what Zesty will think of the snow. It will be interesting watching her play in the snow.

My ride for my PM appointment fell through. DH asked me to call and ask if I had to have a driver or if it was mearly a suggestion. I know I should not of but I spoke up & said that after my last block 30 mins latter I was driving & I was ok with that. She said she would ask the nurse & call me back. The nurse said no. I must have a driver with me & they must come in with me. I asked if I could just sit in the waiting room for a few hours afterwards reading or something & they didn't go for that either. Ugh... Why do they have to be so difficault.

I broke down Monday & made my self an apt with a new family doctor. I stil have to drive about an hour one way, but its better then two. I could not get in to see her until 12/9. That kind of sucks. I am hoping to talk to them about my script, HRT, scope for my heartburn & possible Fibro, Arthritis or Lupus. Cause something else is still going on with my body.

I felt awful yesterday like someone ran me over with a semi. My body just acked so bad. My hip, groin & left knee were the worst. But I also felt it in my fingers, wrist, kneck, shoulders, elbows and ankles. I felt like I was carrying an extra 100 pounds on my body, almost like I had an extream case of the flu. I also was running to go pee none stop yesterday.

My kneck & shoulders are still bothering me today, along with my groin, hip, & knee. My abdomin seems to be swollen as well. I had a hard time keeping the car between the lines on the way home. It seemed like my eye's wanted to roll back inside my head if that makes any since. It was just a weird feeling. I have felt that before.

Dh took off to go with me to my PM apt. He did not want too, but He did not want me to cancel either. We will leave home bright & early thursday morning so DH can take the work truck back to work & load it for the guy who is going to run his route. My apt is at 11am after my apt we are going to get a hotel & in the morning I will have to take DH to his truck around 400 or 430 am & head to work. About a 2 1/2 hour drive on good roads. I told DH depending on how I feel I might just call in on Friday. He was okay with that. Its going to be to long of a day for me to drive back & go to work & put in a 9-10 hour day. I feel guilty as I called in the day after my last nerve block. I fear they will not let me leave if I call in the day after again.

Another reason is I got a call from a temp agency saying they saw my resume & they might have a HR Recruiting position open that I may be a fit for, and they would like me to come in on Friday afternoon. I am not sure if I should or not? I want a new job, but I'm just nervous about the whole thing, you know.

I hope my flute is here soon this morning it was showing to have left the Twin cities. So maybe tomorrow? I hope.

I'm going to ask my PM doctor if they think I might be dealing with Arthrits or Fibro or something on that order, just to get there opion. I know my test they ran in Feb & April were not normal, but they wanted me to repeat in the fall. Especially if I was still having problems.

I think Dh is home... All for now.
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Pain's got me up... 11-13-2005 - 02:54 AM
I can't sleep... The pain has me up. I feel a tormendis amout of pressure in my groin area, with a deep nagging/throbbing pain that makes me want to cry. I now I over did it today, well I guess yesterday by looking at the clock. But it was so nice out in the mid 50's. DH got me 50 tulip & 50 daphidle bulbs & I planted all but 20 of the 100 bulbs. He gave me a hard time last weekend saying that he wasted his money on them for me a I had not planted them like I said I would if he got them for me. Sometimes it bothers me because he wants me to do things & I can't always full fill them. So I did not want him to get upset with me & I planted my little heart out. (he wants me to do 100 more to complete the cicle around the fountian he wants to put up next summer) I did 1/2 of the circle today. He's snoring a way in bed right now.

The wind is wipping so hard tonight It blew our barn door open twice and I swear its going to blow off our roof if it keeps up.

After I finished with my planting I layed down on the sofa & Zesty crawled on my lap & I took a short nap. Then we went for dinner & I wanted to go to walmart to get some lights for outside. I ended up getting 2 deer. Not the expensive ones that move, the $14.99 ones that were on sale for $9.99. I thought they would look nice next to the barn I want to put lights on one of the trees too. (Todays project, along with going to Mendards, doing laundry and planting more bulbs) Thats a big list for me. I will be truelly happy if I get the laundry, menards shopping & a start on the out door lights.

Ugh, my left foot is going tingly. I so want to get just a small fake try this year as the house is not done & with the kitten I just dont want to put up our big tree. DH keeps saying were putting up the big tree. But our house is so cluttered I dont know were we would put it. I think when he is out deer hunting next weekend I'm going to go get the 3 1/2 foot tree I found for $20 that I like. Ok, now my left hand is going tingly.

I swear there is not piece & quite with my work lately. They called here 4x last night, after the 2nd time I turned off the phone. DH worked along week this week and put in 16 hour yesterday he did not need to have them call & wake him. The thing that really made me mad is that the things night dispatch was calling about were things I had or have no control over. One guy had an OS&D issue and had to take the product to an LTL carrier well I guess the LTL carrier did not want the product or something & she called me wanting to know what I wanted done. I told her I dont deal with OS&D that it was aranged by Ms. L and told her to call her. She told me she could not call Ms. L at night because she was not allowed to. I asked her what she normally does about os&d at night & she said call the FLT manager me. I told her I dont have a clue. So she was going to call my manager. At this point I dont care! She then calls back again & says my manager is not home & then asks me what to do. I said I dont know & I turned my cell of as it was almost 9pm. Well she called back two more times once at 1030 & again at 1145pm. I guess one of my drivers did not show up for the roundys pick up at 1000 and she wanted to know how to get a hold of him because he was not responding to the computer or his cell. Got me those are the only two options I would of had.

I am getting burned out. I told Dh I felt so bad for having to turn off my cell, but she calls over things that there is nothing I can do about & she calls at all hours when were trying to sleep. My sleep is important because there are nights like tonight when I can't sleep & I need nights to make up sleep. He told me to ask that they not call here after 830 pm. But I dont think that would go over well.

My pain has gone down from an 8 to about a 6 1/2 after taking to tramadol. I am not really looking forward to my next nerve block on Thursday. Scared about the inicial pain & just jabbing that needle in me. I hate having to go through more pain to try to get less pain. The thought of this next block brings tears to my eyes. DH cant come I still have not found a driver yet. He says just tell them I'm waiting in the jeep & just go out & drive myself. I'm going to try & ask my friend who lives about 30 mins away from my doctors office If I drove to her house would she drive me there & back to her house & from there I guess I will have to drive home. I am not going to ask her to drive me to & from my home as she has RA and has been having tough times of her own. I know they say not to drive for around 24 hours if it can be helped. But that would be 11 am Friday & I have to be at work at 8am on friday so I have to drive myself home thursday shortly after the appt. Unless the doc will give me an excused note for work on Friday. I dont know if he would or not. I hate to leave them short handed at work I know we have another FLT Manager off on Friday.

I sure hope that wind is not blowing in snow. Ugh... I hate the thought of having to deal with it. I dont mind driving in it that much better then ice, I just dont like going out side in it. The cold bothers me.

Going to try to lay down a bit as I know DH will be up in another few hours litterly like 2 wanting to go for breakfest & then be at Menards when the open at 8 am. I wounder if he would go with out me? More then likely not. He likes me to go a long anytime were buying something for the house even if its a screw. Nice to feel loved.
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I bought myself a flute... 11-11-2005 - 05:56 AM
I use to play the flute. I started when I was in sixth grade & played through my senior year of high school. It was something I always enjoyed and something that I found to be great stress releiver. DH bought himself a gun two weeks ago for deer hunting, he had one but sold it when we got married for extra money. I had a really nice intermidiate flute and I also had to sell it for extra money. So I thought if he could get a gun I could get a flute. I've been looking for over a week now and I found one I really liked on E=bay. I am excited and can't wait for it to arrive.

Yesterday was not too bad, just one driver that was really a pain in the but. Ms. R I think it was Tuesday she called in and spoke with the receptinist and safety about her permit book because she didn't know if she had everything. Well she could not tell her head from a hole in the wall, and thats being polite. Safety told me to get her wroted to a terminal asap so we can get her permit book updated. Its the drivers responsiblity every time they are at a terminal to bring there permit book in so it can be updated by the receptionist. Ms. R got a diffrent truck last week Tuesday and failed to bring her permit book in, no one has been in that truck since August & we have received new permits sence then. There is a sign on the door when drivers come in that says pls bring in your permit book for inspection. Well she called in to the receptionist chewing her out because her pemit book is not right & she does not want to come to a terminal (I want her to come to WI she needs to be talked to about her aditude with others) She feels its BS and if we cant tell her what she needs with out looking at her book then its our problem. The problem is she does not understand what the permits even look like. I talked with Safety last night and they said if she gets refuses ( or even at this point) gets in an acdt, or pulled into the scale & is fined because she does not have proper permits she will be held reliable for the fines. (I think there pushing this because she has pushed them too much). I then advised her she must come to a terminal either T1 (wi) or T2 Texarkana and I may be swiching her load so she comes to T1. I also advised her she could of prevented this, by bring in her book and that at this point she may be held reliable for any fines she occurs.

I had to stay late last night to do paper work and she called in to talk to night dispatch. I made night dispatch fully aware that she maybe comeing to Wi for her permits and I may be having her swap loads. Well what does not dispacth tell her. Oh, you dont want to go to wi. U want to stay on your load & go to TX. Well I let Kim know that. That not be a problem. Now I am going to have to deal with the out comes of what she said, she to her. And Ms. R is going to even more irrate when she finds out she may not be going to TX. I confronted night dispatch and she said she did not want to make any waves as the driver was really mad at me and she did not want to get involved. Hello she just made waves by not being truthful. I told her now ms R is going to assume she is going to TX and is going to say You told her so. Please dont promise something ot my drivers. Thats not your responsiblity. She didn't like it and told me you know I would not promise sometihng to them. I've had other driver says she has and taken her side, but after last night I wounder.

I was also reading messages exchanged between her and another one of my drivers. (as a fleet manager we have acsess to every message one of our driver sends so we are keeped infomed) Well they were not on a proffesional level. I dont know weather to say anything or not about this to upper management.

I fell again yesterday. On my way to work I was having bad pains behind my left knee from the hip down. Enough to make me pull over for a few mins. I thought I was fine, but when I got out of my Jeep down I went. Another one of my co-workers ran up to me to check on me. I said I was fine, it happends all the time. WHat else do you say?

I told dh i felt really inflamed all over lastnight. My feet hurt, my knee's hurt, my hip / groin hurt, my wrist hurt, my elbows hurt?, my shoulders hurt, I felt like I had the force of 100 lbs pushing down on me. I know this past spring/winter my sedrate was high, the family doctor thought I might of had Lupus or something on that order cause my inscison was also not healing and I felt very simular to how I do now. He sent me to a rum doctor & he said I had fat fingers and that once my incision healed my sedrate would go down. He was not consered. I am really thinking its time to have all this stuff rechecked.

Well the dog is whinning cause she wants to go outside better let her out. Hope you all have a good friday.
Thank you all for being her for me. YOur all great support.
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Gerd woke me up... 11-10-2005 - 03:10 AM
Ugh, I hate waking up in the middle of the night cause of gerd. Makes me almost afraid to go back to sleep. I woke up coughing & wezzing then ended up throwing up. Nice start to my Thursday morning (been up since round midnight).

Mr. J refused to sign his paper work, which was fine. He said he know it was "his bad" but he was not signing. I asked him how he planned to provent future service failures, he said he might have to by an alarm clock, that his does not always work. Ugh... A proffesional driver without an alarm clock! I advised him to by two, sent one in the bunk & set the other on the dash, this was it forces him to get out of bed. I was happy he stayed calm as with this guy one never knows.

Mr. T was another story. He was given a verbal warning for his absentism & failure to comunicate. He blew a gasket. The whole downs stairs hurd him. Screeming and yelling. Said that he was sick & thats why he did not call me, said that people get sick & that's just the way it is. I said I understand people get sick, but you still have a responsiblity of calling into your manager to let them know whats going on as well as it is stated in the hand book any more then two days off for illness a doctors note is needed to return. I then asked him if he had a doctors note. His response was well I didn't know I needed one and what do you want me to do be onsafe & drive while I am sick. I tried to explain to him that just because your not feeling well does not mean that you don't have to work & you would of been riding with the other dirver for 2 days you would not of been driving. He then asked me if I come to work when I am not well. I said yes, he said well oh yeah you just sit on your butt all day an awnser the phone & bugg drivers. I said I used to drive as well and trust me I have driven under a fair amount of pain & days not feeling well. He did not have response. Refused to sign the paper work saying it was all wrong. I advised him he was intitled to his opion & walked a way. My boss said he was happy with the way I spoke to him & that I stuck to my guns.

Ms. D another one of my drivers who says she isn't going to go here or there because she doesn't like to it scares her. I put it to her good yesterday. She wanted a load out west so we sent her to UT, from there to CA & from CA she will go to WI. She said I can't do that she needs go to LA or some were south were there is no snow like AZ, TX, NM, ect. I asked her how long she has been driving she said 18yrs. I said you've never gone to the mid west, or ks, tx, nm, az, nc, sc, ga, in the winter? Her response was well if I did my husband drove when we drove team. I just dont do snow cause I fell & hurt my shoulder. I explained to her that when were kids when we fall off our bikes we get back on them & ride them again. This is the same sort of consept. Just because you had a bad experiance with snow how do you expect to grow as a perfessional driver & increase your skills and value if you dont take this opertunitiy to grow. She did not know what to say. She froze. 3 of my co workers herd me say this & when I got off the phone were clapping. My manager said I really have a good way of puting things in prosepctive, he's going to come to me next time there is an issue with a driver & ask me for advice. I was just sick of her complaining.

Mei, I remeber reading the little house on the praire books when I was in middle school, I loved those books. Jane I hope your staying warm too. THis wind is nasty.

I am almost woundering if I dont have some sort of arthritis going on with this nerve damage or something cause the weather changes sure affect my pain. My wrists are sore & my hands are swollen again. They were acting up a few weeks ago so I got wrist pads for at work & they were better. My hand is so swollen I cant get my watch off or my ring again. Normally I can put three fingers under my watch when its on my wrist.

I know this last Winter/spring after I did not heal there were thinking I had some sort of immune disorter or something. My sedrate was real high & my body was swollen like it is now again. Yesterday was a bad day again I was walking on & off with a cane. I dont know if I should be using it though as it is not medically prescribed, but DH says he'd rather have me use it then fall, thats why he bought it for me.

Well I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hear the dog snoring as well as DH. My alarm will be going off soon enough.
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Cold Windy Morning... 11-09-2005 - 05:44 AM
I can hear the wind howling, I guess were under some sort of wind warning. Time for old man winter to blow into Wisconsin. I must say knock on wood that we have not had any snow yet, not even flurie.

My nose & my toes are freezing this morning, not sure if its because it so cold outside or what. I have not been out yet, just enought to open the door & let the dog out at 4 am.

Yesterday one of my drivers called me about 45 mins before I was to go on lunch & asked me if I had plans for lunch. I said no, well he told me that I do now & that he was taking me on a date. Now this driver is old enough to be my grandpa, but always very sweet, kind and caring. I really enjoyed my lunch with him. It was a nice chance to get a way from the hussel & bussel of the office.

I'm still limping around this morning. The pain has traveled to the area of my knee, back side of leg. It feels like I need to crack my knee but I can't, almost feels locked or restricked. The pain goes all the way to my hip & groin area. I've been taking my pain pill pretty much around the clock 2 every four hours, just to stay comfterble. I filled my script on 10/28 and must of used about 1/2 of my script of 120 pills. I dont think the tramadol is strong enough.

I am afraid to say anything as it took me a good 7 months to even get the PM doctor to give me this. I am afraid if I say something the wont give me anything.

Please wish me luck today. I have two of my most difficault drivers coming in and I need to issue them write ups. One of the drivers is betting his final write up on more & he is out the door. These two drivers are very hard to work with as they are very argumentive and choose to take no responsiblities for there actions. This is what makes it so hard because they believe they did nothing wrong. Driver J was late on two loads, the first load he said no big deal it just happeneds sometimes, driver pick up late & deliver late. He chose not to leave the house on time to pick up the load. The other load he was to delv to Wal-mart at 330 am, it came from ca going to tx, he desided to stop at home on the way lives in tx & he over slept.

Driver K's truck broke down in Denver. He wanted to wait & see if they could fix it. Major repair. After 4 days we offered him a ride home to CA for his home time & told him after his home time that we would get him a ride back to his truck. He refused. We told him that he would then need to pay for his own hotel & were we no longer paying for hotel & layover. 3 days latter he asked us if we would pay for his hotel or he was getting a ride home with a friend. I told him he was on his own. He got ride home with friend. He was to come out of the house on 10/31, truck not done until 11/1 I spoke w/ him on 11/1 told him that I was going to be arranging a ride for him to get his truck & that he was to call me first thing on 11/2. Find ride for him, he never calls on 11/2 I leave several messages. 11/3 he calls me in the afternoon saying that he would be getting a ride with a friend if all worked well & would be in Denver on Saturday. I tell him to call the dealer to make sure his truck & trl will be left out for him & to call me back before 5 pm, never calls. I try calling him the following morning after I called the dealer to make arrangements. Dealear tells me he already spoke to my driver arrangments made. My driver calls on friday to say that the deal will not have is truck out for him and that we need to pay for a hotel (left message while I was out for lunch, mind you he knows when I have lunch) Driver gets to Denver & does not get truck until Monday. He is being written up for unexcused days off, & failure to comunicate with me.

Both these guys I am prepared for to throw a fit.
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bad last few days 11-08-2005 - 05:55 AM
My pain the last few days has not been good. Friday night I felt like I was just inflamed. The hole hip & pelvic region going down my leg to my knee. Saturday was not quit as bad as I rested most of the day, but Sunday morning I woke up with the same pain. We went for lunch wiht my mom & step dad(future) on Sunday to the Casino and I played the machines long enough to make my donation of $20.00. From there we stoped at the grocery store I could not get out of the jeep I was so uncomfterble, I sent dh in to get the grocerys. I put the heated seats on & took two pain pills and by the time he came out ( was just going to run in for soda) 45 mins later I had just dozed off.

We came home & I layed back down. I slept for about an hour. I dont know what it is but the last few days I have been waking up from my pain in the morning. I have not had this happen in a long time.

Yesterday it felt like my lower abdomon was also some what inflamed.

I find my self really fighting to get out of bed most days. I know the stress at work is not helping one bit. But dh says unless I can find something with about equal pay keep on trugging as we all have stress at work and that this is just normal... (I begg to differ that what goes on at my work is normal, but what ever)

Well I aught to go warm up my car & curl my hair for another day.
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Feeling better today... 11-03-2005 - 06:48 PM
I'm feeling better today... Thank God... It just seems like this thing/what ever it is thats bothering me just seems to come and go. Normally last about 1 - 3 days at a time. I hope it's gone forever... Think I will be that lucky? I hope cause I don't have time to deal with it.

Well I don't think I am very well liked by some of my co-workers anymore for speaking up for my drivers. But I have about had enough. Yesterday I went to my manager and told him something has to be done about our trl problem in TX. No reason a driver should come out of the house at 9 am and have to wait until 3:30 pm or 9 pm for a trl. None what so ever. Then they the planners & cs expect the driver to drive all night. I've had it. I told my driver yesterday after he had been waiting since 9 am to get his trl to go get his load at 3pm to go home. He said he was tired of sitting there & could be getting stuff done if he was at home. My planner for TX blew a gasket, said if he did not delv his load on time that I would have to write him up. I said no I would write it up on lack of equipment. Needless to say 15 mins latter he had me a trl. But the poor driver they did not get him loaded until 2 am. Then cs had a fit today when I wanted the delv apt changed.

Another one of my drivers who was so post to start vact on 10/31 he lives in ga and they sent him to sc and then wanted to send him back to wi & then to ga, I was able to find a swap with another driver who was going to ga to get my driver home, well he had delv his load yesterday and the planner for ga calls me and says were short on drivers in ga you think he could go load a load tomorrow I said no he was due on vac on 10/31 its in his screen he is dispached to go home he's going home & she got mad.

JM, another one of my drivers, he lives in Texarkana and everytime he is sent to TX to get home it seems like the load delv to the dallas area & never fails he will delv around 7 or 8 am and then have to wait until 4pm or even 10pm to get reloaded for a 250 mile load delv it in the am & then he can go home. That really burns him getting so close to home & then having to wait like that.

I let my wi planner know I was not happy with her either today. My driver had been in the shop all day with his truck & still was when I left at 5 pm. The shop did not expect to get him done until 9pm. THe planner put him on a load that has to delv at noon tomorrow 550 miles away. The driver is trying to get home for his home time, and she said that either the driver takes the load or he cant go home & if he delvs late he gets a service failure because he could legally make it. What she is looking at is a driver can drive up to 11 hours in a day and since he has not driven any ware today he can drive straight there. Well the guy has been up all day!

Ugh this company makes me made. One of they guys I work with called in sick his back was killing him yesterday by his kidneys he thought it might of been a kidney stone & said something to me and another girl well the other girl who has never had a kidney stone (I have them about once a year for the past 8 yrs) said well they dont just show up over night one has to have prior symptoms & said he is faking. My boss agreed. These people are thoughtless. The man has not missed a day of work in the past 6 months I believe him.

I'm sure glad i was feeling better today, I would of been to afraid to ask to go to the doctor. Thats why I have not made an apt cause I am too afraid. I'm almost out of all my meds which I need scripts for, I am due for the test were they put the scope down my throat for my heartburn / barrets eshuguse to see if the cells are changing more, (went to the er about a month ago because of the blood in my stool & the bad heart burn) she told me I needed to have the scope done asap. But if I lost my job my DH would kill me. So I am so afraid to take anytime off. I was told that my next nerve block has been oked but I can't miss anymore work this quarter. Off two days with last nerve block. Its not like I can go in durring lunch for an apt cause with my insurance the closes doctor is still about 75 mins away. I guess I am one of thoose people who work to live. DH feels I make good money and that I have a good job so I should not complain. Somedays I truelly feel the money is not worth it, but he does not agree. So I plunge onward, and live with the thought that it will get better.

On a side note DH thinks that maybe I should stop my pain meds cause maybe that's whats making me feel so funny with the numbness, dizzyness & rasing heartbeat, forgetfullness, falling, ect. But I tried to tell him its been going on since before I started the meds. Heck I rember falling yet in Feb when my inscision was still open cause I fell in the bathroom while I was still spunge bathing. With out the pain meds I dont think I could plunge forward.
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Something is not right... 11-02-2005 - 08:18 PM
I know something is not right. My dizzy spells, light headness, tingling sensation in the uper half of my body , numb feeling in my lips & tounge have returned. I feel so warn out.

I was having problems with the same symptoms over the summer and early spring. When I mentioned them to my GP about 3 months ago he blew me off & said he did not have a clue & didn't have time. I thought it was maybe just caused by the heat as we have had a really hot summer & I have never handled the heat well.

Well it happened again today & its not hot, so that thought is long gone. DH thought maybe my blood pressue, but that wasn't that high 140/80, but my pluse was 118. DH about fell over when I told him that.

I just feel out of it, like I have been druged. I only took one pain pill this afternoon so I know it was not my pain meds, I also was not on them last time this happened. My pain is high right now so I just took two pain meds to try to bring it down. Thats the bad thing with my pain it can go from 2 to 8 in a matter of 60 seconds.

I have also noticed that my nose seems to get really cold & will not warm up. Same sort of problems with my toes & fingers but not is bad, also a lot of inflamation in my fingers. Don't know if thats conected at all. I just feel so warn out. I know I should go get this checked out, but it does not pay to go to my family doctor as he never has time to help his patients as well as he told me on my last visit that I should find a new family doctor that is closer to where I live. I just have not had time with my job. Thats the other part of it, I have a hard enough time getting days off for my nerve block that I hate to ask to got the doctor cause I am dizzy & my lips & tounge go numb. (DH said that it sometimes sounds like my speach is sleard when I talk, but I told him I think its the pain pills).

My shoulders and neck also feel very sore. I wish I could go get this checked out, but I am afraid it is Job or doctor. Guess I have to choose Job & hope and pray that this stops. I had a hard time at work consitrating because of how I felt.
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Another one bites the dust.... 10-31-2005 - 08:48 PM
I lost another driver today. The thing that makes me mad is I saw it coming. The driver told me on 10/21 that he wanted to be home this weekend on Saturday & Sunday. I said that I would do my best to get him home. I pleaded with the planer on Thursday to let him drop his load & give him something to go home with. The planner told me he had nothing for him to go home with & that he needed to deliver his own load. So fine the driver delivered his load friday morning. Then the planner sticks him on a reload that he is to pick up and deliver same day friday, and then after that the driver can pick up a load that will get him through the house early Saturday.

Well my driver never told me on friday when he was picking up the load to delv the same day that they did not have the product ready. The driver sat for 9 hours waiting for the product & he did not get to deliver the product until Saturday. At which point he was mad because he missed the Wedding of a family member so he took the trl over to one of our yards & dropped it & bobtailed home so the other load never got picked up.

I come into a message this morning staying that this is not for him & he is returning the truck to the terminal. The sad thing about this too is that the company will charge him for going home. He went home 465 miles out of route & he will be charged a $1.65 per mile.

I begged the planner last week to help me get him home. Most of these guys & the few gals that I have bust their butts to do a good job & deliver on time, but yet we can not get them home on time. Nice driver retention hu? No wounder why we have 550 trucks and 64 of them are open. Ugh am I fustrated.

I have a guy today that was to start vaccation today. He delv this morning to TX, he lives in GA & were does the planner want to send him, SC were he will then get a load to WI & then back to GA. It would take him almost another week to get home. My drivers are getting really upset about this, and when I complain to the planner all I am told is well the freights got to go just the nature of the buisness.

Somethings got to change because soon there will be no buisness because the drivers are leaving one by one.

My drivers are also complaining because we have a trl shortage. They come out of the house after there home time & then they sit at the terminal for as much as 2 days waiting for an my trl to get a load. I had one drive assigned to 3 trls today & 3 diffent drivers took his trl on him. Boy is he upset.

When I went & talked to my manager today because I now the number 3 topic at our meeting tomorrow will be driver retention. I told him what I thought some of our big issues were & he said that they were not issues big enough for drivers to quit. Boy somedays I swear he got his brains from a craker jack box!

Its bad & I only can for see it getting worce. Our job is hard enough & our management & the planners are doing nothing to ease it or trying to help safe the drivers. It's sad when the problems are right there & they refuse to admit it.

_______________________________________________

Well I got my insurance to straighten out my mess with my prescription. I just dont understand why they changed it from 1 or 2 tab every 4-6 hours to 1 tab every 6-8 hours (tramadal) One tab every 6-8 hours is not cutting the pain.

I tried to call the pm doc back to day to speak with my normal nurse (been dealing with her since I came to the pain clinic) but she is off until Wednesday. So I guess I will have to wait until then to talk to her about the change. DH says just take them how I was oringally prescribed because taking the smaller dosage does not even touch the pain.

I just almost feel its wrong to take the high dosage cause that's not whats on the bottle. I guess I just try to be honest with them hoping that they will truelly try to help me.

Well my eye's are getting tired I think its time for bed. Night all.
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Sometimes pain just makes me mad at the world... 10-30-2005 - 07:33 PM
It just seems like I keep fighting, fighting for pain releif and for those around me to understand me.

I went to Shopko to pick up my pain meds. They called me Friday & said to wait until Sunday to pick them up as there was a problem with my insurance & they thought it was there computers. So I ran out of pain meds Saturday. I go today to pick up my meds & I am told that the insurance says the PM doctor is not a reconised doctor in the plan. (Now we only have one pain clinic in our plan that's the one I go to, the doctor that was there up & quit on day & when I drove 100 miles to get my block & was undressed waiting I was then told the other dock quit & this one is the replacement) They tell me if I want my pain meds they want $125.00 For the Tramadal which just takes the edge off. Also the tell me my script has been changed from 1-2 tab every 4-6 hours to 1 tab every 6-8 hours. How is 1 tab every 6-8 hours going to cut it, if the amount I have been taking does not always work? Oh was I upset. I don't have $125.00 to give them for the meds that should only be $10 with my insurance. NOthing they can do as the insurance did not return their call on Saturday. So no pain meds.

I was up all night Saturday night I finnally fell a sleep in DH's arms around 700 am this morning & slept for an hour.

I fell again yesterday at Gander Mountian. So Dh hand me sit down & told me to stay put untill he was done shopping... While he was shoping he found a wood cane & he bought it for me & he told me he wants me to use it. He's says he's afraid that one day I am going to break a bone or crack my head open.

So needless to day I did not have a good weekend. I am still having problems with trying to warm up. I was at my mom's today sitting infront of the fire place & my toes & my nose numb as could be. Why can't I warm up. My fingers seem to ach & my joints seem to hurt. My hads are swollen. My neck & shoulders also ach.

DH bought me some of those heating pads that they use for deer hunging to warm your feet for my toes for work, I wish they made them for my nose as well!!!

I hope I can sleep tonight... I also hope that my insurance & the doctor and get something figured out with some meds to help.
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Nightmare @ work today... 10-27-2005 - 08:36 PM
Today was a total nightmare at work. It was the worce day I have had since I started there. We had two flt managers out. One on vacatoin & another sick. We each got an extra 10-12 drivers in addtion to the 40-50 that we already manage.

The nightmare acturally started before I even came into work. I had recieved a call from the night dispatcher that one of my drivers was refusing to do his load, said he did not have the hours (he did have the hours) and was really giving her a hard time. He has been doing this since he started two weeks ago. She said she basicly has had it with him. I advised her that when I came in I would speak with him & my manager & we would rectify the situation. That he was going to be written up for refusal of a load, and failure to delv on time as well as adittude.

When I came in I expecting to have 5 extra drivers not 12. The extra drivers I had had extra problems, two of them had problems with Roundy's loads with extra stops and not being able to delv at one of the stops because of road construction & the city not letting them on the road by the docks. I was able to get the Roundy's problems pretty much taken care of by 1 pm.

The driver that refused dispatch & was disrespectfull to night dispatch was a whole nother story. I advised him when I came in that he needed to go down to the rail yard & pick up that load & that the customer was waiting on him to get there with the freright. I told him that he was also being written up for refusal of dispatch, additude with managment & for failure to delv on time. He tried to tell me that he could not do the load because of his hours. But he got to Riverdale il at 6 pm he has to go on break for 10 hours because he was out of hours. That means he could start driving at 4 am and could pick up the load 15 miles away & delv it another 36 miles away by 8 am and the customer could of gotten there freight on time. He got all huffy on me & said what every I was not going to interupt my sleep time. I told him he was not going to get another load until he did this one. He complained about the short miles & I advised him he is still getting paid & when he hits the dock it's hourly until empty.

Well when he got to the rail yard there were problems with the tralior the load was on. The trailor had to be fixed before he could leave the rail yard with it. So what does he do, he finds a mechanic at the rail yard & tells them to fix it. They say its going to be a bit & he takes off to the nearest truck plaza. He tells me that when the trailor is fixed let him know because he is not someone's dummy & is not going to wait for it nor is he going back to check & see when its fixed. (normally a driver should wait for the trl to be fixed or get authorisation from me first to leave) I tell customer service this & they get all huffy at me about the driver. The driver then sends me a message saying that he better be getting paid hourly to wait for this trailor. I said no, your only paid hourly when you hit the dock at the reciever until your empty. He had a fit. He then also said that he should not get a service failure because its the rail yards fault it did not deliver because they damaged the trailor. I told him he would still be issued one because he made no attempt to make delv by 8 am as he did not even get to the rail yard until 10 am. He then told me he quit, that he wanted a load back to TX to go home.

10 mins later he changes his mind & says no I'll stay and then 30 mins, later he says no I quit. Take him off the rail load as customer service & saftey have had it with his aditude & get him a TX load, well by the time I get back from lunch he says he's not quitting. Ugh... I just wish he would quit!

I also had to deal with another problem child... Problem child begged me to get him a load to FL so he could take a few days off & visit friends & family. So I tried to accomidate him. I tell him on Monday we got you your load to FL it will be ready Tuesday between 10 am & noon, and that it MUST delv on Thursday by noon(priority customer) He says ok great, thank you. I tell him that he needs to get his acdt review & meet with safety prior to noon on Tuesday because he needs to pu the load at noon. Well Tuesday morning comes & he is still 150 miles away from our yard and does not get to the yard until 1030 am and informs me that he is taking a shower before he see's saftey. I tell him no u need to see safety & get your load by noon. What does he do, takes a shower, picks out some movies for the movie libary, then see's saftey. He does not leave the yard until 3pm. Does not pick up the load until 430 pm. He then asks me if the apt for delv has changed. I say no the noon still stands. He does not say anything. Well I come in on Wednesday & he tells me that oh, by the way please change the apt to 1700 on Thursday I can't make it. I told him no we can't change the apt we will have to have you do a switch with another driver so he can make the apt. Well problem child slows way down & never makes it to the switch point until after I leave for the night & goes past it by 100 miles. Ugh... So I come in this morning & we have no choice but to change the apt & get a failure on this load & be fined. I advise the driver he will be written up. Well yesterday he had called saftey all three people & they told him if he would of ran when he left the yard he legally could of made the apt. He was trying to get them to say we/I illegally dispatched him & they wouldn't. So what does he do he calls my manager and complains. The customer service manager says this guy must be written up. Well my manager wants me to put the blame also on customer service / planning as they new he had to see safety, so that its not all the drivers fault. The cs manager is going to have my head when I do this. As it truely is the drivers fault... He screwed us up bad & now my manager wants me to point fingers at customer service. Ugh... I want to scream...

I have also been dealing with stress of trying to get the drivers home. The planners just dont want to let them go. They send them every which dirrection but home & tell us to figure out something. It's just not working. Drivers who have been out for over 4 weeks & were not getting them home. I had a driver that lives in MS delv in GA today & he needs to be home on the 31st. Guess were they sent him CA. Their reasoning is well thats the only load I have. Nice driver retention no wounder why we have 56 open trucks and are loosing over $30,000 a day in revenue.

I also swear I work in an iceburg except there morethen likely warmer. It is so cold in our office. Everyone has been wearing there winter coat inside cause were cold, even the guys. Except the big shots who have heaters in their office. We checked the temp today & it was 63 degrees in there with cold drafts from everywhere. My nose & toes & fingures were numb. I was advised to dress warmer. I was told it gets so cold in the office that the bathroom pipes freeze in the winter regualy. They will not turn up the heat or allow space heaters, or blankets. The cold & the stress do not help my pain.

We got them to fix the hot water in the girls bathroom today & got them to give us hand soap. We've been all out we were told to us hand sanitiser but we've been all out of that for a few weeks as well. My manager said the guys room has not had hot water in 7 years. How sanitary.

I wish I could quit my job so bad... The stress, the cold it's just makeing my pain so much worce. I cried to day at work I could not handle it, the pain & everything else was just to much. I told DH I almost walked out. Never ever in my life done such a thing. I wanted so bad after lunch to just give my notice. DH got tight liped & said we all have stress on our jobs.

I am looking for something else. I can't do it anymore. The money is not worth it. I would rather drive 200 miles a day and go back to my old job. I just cant function.

DH's advise is to go out side & take a walk, and to take more breaks. But I can't I just can't get up and walk away from my desk. I don't have that kind of fredom. He does not understand why I dont take breaks or even a full lunch hour. If I did I would be so fare behind I would not get to leave work until 7 at night or later. I am sallary so I have to stay until the job is done.

I pray to god that the girl that was sick is back tomorrow, but I think she has phnomnia.

On a brighter note Zesty is doing well and does not want to leave DH or my side. I give her lots of credit cause I now I felt pretty bad 2 days after surgery. She is one tough kitty.
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I guess Zesty is a hystersister too now... 10-25-2005 - 08:42 PM
My baby girl got fixed today. DH droped her off at the vet last night before I got home from work. They said they wanted to keep her overnight tonight but that we could pick her up tomorrow around 1030. DH & I both have to work so my stepmom said she would pick her up for me & bring her home.

I feel so sad that she had to go thru this at 6months. I know it is the responsible thing to do when you have pets, but having gone thru it myself just makes it so much harder. I remeber being saddend when Dakota was fixed but not this much, but at that time I had not gone thru what I have today.

Dakota has been lost looking for Zesty the last 24 hours. Never would of thought that the two of them as kitten & dog would of bonded the way they have. But Dakota likes to have the company, I can tell. Zesty makes her happy & she likes the playmate even if the playmate chases her tail, tries to climb on her back or put her arms around her. They are buds. They seem to know how fare & hard they can play (it sometimes looks like there going to hurt eachother) but the never do. I will be so happy to have my fur baby back in our home tomorrow. The house is just not the same without her.

___________________________________

I dont know if its my medication they gave me for my pain (tramadol) or what, but I just feel out of it lately. For example today at work I was talking with one of my drivers & I new what I wanted to say, but the words just had a hard time coming out of my mouth. I just dont sound like me when I talk. I am ok overall with typing messages over the Qual Comm to my drivers, but when speaking is involved, the words just seem to come out slow & sleered. The medication is helping with my pain so I dont want to stop it. It also seems like I might not be as bubble with the drivers & cutting conversation short because I just feel uncomfterble talking. I almost feel dumfounded, if that makes any since. My words just seem to get tied up. Wounder if its from my meds, but I would not of made it to work with out them.

I'm also having a hard time with the lady that trained me. She sits next to me at work & just seems to like to stick her nose were it does not belong. Yesterday I was talking to one of my drivers who was in Sealy, TX on Friday & desided after I left for the weekend that he did not want to do his load so he drove the company semi & trailor home to Selma, AL that's 650 miles without authorization, with a semi getting about 6 miles per gallon and fuel costing over $3.50 per gallon that's very costly. This is the second time he has pulled a stunt like this the last one was the begining of the month & that time he drove 315 miles. We charged him for it & he did not get a pay check because of it. He said that's why he went home cause we did not pay him. I asked him who gave him authorization to go home & he said he gave himself authorization and that until we paid him he was holding our truck as ransum. Well when I got off the phone with him this women next to me said I was to hard on him. I about blew a gasket at her. She said I am just way to hard on my employees because I expect them to do there job & hold them liable for there actions, if they say there going to pick up a load & delv it on time I expect them to do so unless there is something beyond there control that hinders that & if so I expect to now about it right away. There just drivers. OH was I steamed. This women is driving me nuts. She told two of my drivers last week when I was off that I was playing hookie looking for a new job.

I know I need to find a diffrent job, but I am paid very well at this one, its hard to find something with that kind of pay.

Well morning will be coming fast, DH is snorring z's and I need to get some sleep as well. Night all.
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Roller Coaster? 10-23-2005 - 09:21 PM
I feel like I am on some what of an emocional roller coster. I wounder if I need my depression medication changed or uped? One min I feel fine the next I feel like I could jump off a building. I'm just spinning.

I dont know if its because the pain has been like a roller coster & seems to be really taking a toll on me lately or what. I just feel more moody. I dont feel like doing anything some days except for sleeping. I just dont have an interst in things lately. Even at work I care, but sometimes its to the point I dont anymore, its like I am just there existing.

Dh was kind enough to go with me to do the laundry even though he pouted like a child the whole time. I needed his help as I had 6 large bags of cloths that needed to be washed. His pouting really got to me. I new he new I was fustrated with him as he just sat there and watched me scurry to get the cloths in the dryers & hang up the ones that were dry & start the dryers again. The laundry mat was full so I had to keep taking the dry things out of the dryers so the others items would dry. It never failes I swear I had 8 dryers going & they all would stop at once.

After we did laundry we went to Menards. We walked around there for a few hours. I went and sat down by the wall paper looking for a border that I saw at Home Depot in Appleton & now I cant find it at any of our local stores. Then Dh wanted to go to Lowes as they just opened yesterday. I was happy to see they had the scoters there with the baskets for shopping as I could not handle walking anymore. We looked around there for about an hour, but I could not find anything that we really needed. I was hoping DH would of found a water heater that would meet his picky needs, but nope, didn't like any they had. It will be nice when we have hot water! I was even willing to pay $300.00 towards one that they had, but DH did't like it. No one sells the kind he wants (merithon) or he wants a tankless one. To me a water heater is a water heater I just want hot water.

Then we went to DH's Semi & got our refrigorater that we ordered on line from Sears that we had shipped to his work. I am glad we got in home in one piece & got it in the barn.

I fell again tonight. I was going into the barn to get some water so I could give fresh water to Zesty & Dakota & get some so I could boil to wash up in the morning when down I went. I scared poor Zesty Kitty right out of the barn when I went down. Her tail got so big & out the door she went. I was hoping to keep her in the barn tonight as its so cold out there, but I am sure she will make her way to the attic in the house.

Wow its almost 1030 I ought to turn off the light & steal my pillow back from DH & Dakota.
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Some what of a productive day... 10-22-2005 - 07:21 PM
I guess I had some what of a productive day. Would of liked to get more done, but my body is saying no. Dh got up this morning at 7am and went out into the barn to work on the laundry room. Needs to be insulated so nothing freezes up as winter in Wisconsin is quickly approaching.

I layed in bed Dh came in around 830 am and he layed back down for a while. Said his back was hurting him. I don't think we were donw for much more then 15 to 20 mins & my dad pulled up. Gave us a hard time for still being in bed.

Dad wanted to see the tiling I had bought to go behind our space heater (looks like a fire place). I showed him the tiling & he stayed for about 30 mins. After dad left DH asked me to tape the two joints one the dry wall in the dining room. I ended up mixing too much stuff together & taped the two joints a bunch of nail holes & two other joints as well. I was hurting after that, so I layed down around 1245.

Next thing I new it was almost 3pm and DH was asking me if I was hungery. So we ran to Taco Bell as he was craving taco's. Haven't been to Taco Bell in about 3yrs & boy has there menu changed. I did not even know what to order. I thought I was getting a soft shell chicken taco with sour cream, ect. Well it ended up having refried beans & no letus or tomato's and very little chicken. I was not impressed. I gave most of it to DH.

We came back home and I started working on the base of the fire place tiling. DH had me mesure to make sure everything would line up just right. Then I mixed up the mix & he went back out into the barn to work. It took me about two hours, but I got the base all done. I must say I think it looks pretty good for a person who has never tiled before. DH said it looked good for goverment work. Thats his way of saying I did a good job. Now to keep Zesty Kitty & Dakota off of it until it drys. Zesty had to stick her paw in the mix as I was laying the tile. DH said tomorrow I should be able to grout it.

The little space heater we have in our room seems to be keeping the house some what comfterble, but it will be so much nicer when we can have true heat. The gas company is bring us our tank on Nov 2. Our contractor who is doing our septic system was to have the tanks in this past week & they are still not in. Ugh... He has no idea what it's like to shower out side in the end of Oct. He said the other day it will be about two more weeks before we are all set. Makes me upset cause when he took the job he said mid October he'd have the tanks in. Looks like end of October begining of November now.

I think part of the fustration with me doing stuff around the house is its just such a mess I just dont know were to turn. There is so much that needs to be done, but either I dont now how & DH does not have the time to show me or It's physicaly just to hard on my body. It also makes it hard that I have no place to cook besides the grill and the slow cooker. I have about a dozen loads of laundry that need to be done, but I cant hang them out as they will not dry outside & I cant put them in my dryer cause the barn is not wired for a dryer & dh will not let me go to the laundry mat cause we have a wash here, but yet he complains cause its 35 degrees out & he is wearing shorts cause everything is dirty. I just cant win around here, or thats how I feel.

I'm fustrated because things are not moving faster, but yet I cant complain cause its my fault that my nervers are all screwed up. Its my fault that when I bend over my acid reflex makes me almost throw up. My hands and fingures are also swollen & numb.

I get furstrarted with DH as he drinks a can of soda, the can ends up on the table, the sofa, or even in the bed depending on were he is. He takes off his cloths, if he's in the living room thats were they lay. I tripped over a pair of jeans in the halway this morning. Yet he tells me to watch were I walk.

Ugh, just no orginsation. I want to scream. Dh is becoming a slob and I am going nuts.

I guess I am just a bit emosional & fustrated by it all. But I dont see it getting better until the house is done which I don't for see until around June or July.

Dh is after me to get another scope done for my barrets esphoguse. I was told that it should be done every 2 years & I am due for a scope in Dec. But because I was in the ER about 4 weeks ago with a bad case of acid reflex the ER doctor wanted me to get a scope done within two weeks. I still have not gotten one done. I just cant grasp the idea of going to my boss saying I need the afternoon off to go meet with a new family doctor (sence we've moved) to have her refer me to a gastologist & then have to take another day off for the scope. I can already here my boss saying do you really need this off. I am afraid to ask for anytime off because I know I will need to go back for more blocks. This one seem to help for the first few hours, as everything felt numb, then the pain came back. They told me the true test will be about 4-5 days latter when the steroid kicks in which should be tomorrow or monday.

I'm going to try to go lay down by DH.
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Back to work today.... 10-21-2005 - 05:11 PM
I could not believe that I slept most of the day yesterday, but I did I guess my body needed rest. Morning still came to fast this morning. I had a hard time getting out of bed at 630 am.

Everyone at work was pretty cold because I had not been there the past two days. My boss was not bad, but it was the others. Some of my drivers missed me and told me that they are too old to have to adapt to someone else when I am not there that I can't leave them for that long, but the majority of people asked me if I was playing hookie. I was kind of offended by that. I know they dont know, but I just think its a rude comment to make to someone.

I hurt after sitting in a desk all day. I'm not to sure what they did when they put the needle in my skin, but I know the doctor said he thought they caused a blood blister & they put a medicated big (about 4 inches wide by 6 inches long) bandage on the spot where the needle went it. I know that it was bleeding most of the day on Wednesday and yesterday & today it burns bad if something touches that area. The nurse had told me to keep it on until it falls off. So I am being a good girl & trying to leave it alone. But it burns the same way my incision did when it was open & DH cleaned it. I guess my skin is supper sensitive or something. I just dont know. I am debating about having DH take off the bandage & check it out.

I have to work on the house this weekend no if ands or butts. I need to get the laundry done as well as the tile around the fire place. I don't think tonight will be the night for either.

I just got a hold of DH, he wants to know what I am making for super, yeah right. I can't even move in this house with everything how he has it let a lone cook. I said were going out. I'd like to just go to bed personally.
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Wedding Anv, Birthday & Pain doctor. 10-20-2005 - 12:04 PM
Tuesday night after work I met DH at the hotel in Lomira. We checked in and then went to grab something to eat. DH thought that the restraunt was a German restraunt, and was excited since he was German. Well we walked in & it was anything but. DH had the buffet & I ordered a small pizza. It was good, but not what we both had in mind for our Anv dinner.

We then went back to the hotel & dh ran the water for the wirlpool. Oh did that feel so good! That was the first time since Dec that I have been able to be in the water like that since my incision is healed. We were in there for about an hour and we were almost like kids enjoying our self we ended up having a water fight. The wirlpool felt so good on my body I could of slept in there.

After the wirlpool we had some popcorn & watched a little TV & dh fell a sleep he was so tired from work. Not very romatic but I understood.

DH woke me up around 630 am with a birthday kiss & telling me that he was going to draw the water for the wirlpool for me so I could go in and relax. I layed in there for about another hour. Then I got up and showered & we went on our way to Oskosh for my appt.

I could not remember for sure what time my apt was & we ended up gettting there really early. It was almost 45 mins before the nurse D took my back to the room.

We all talked for a while & then DH asked her to explain how this block was going to be diffrent from the ones I have had. She explained it to DH. DH also asked how they were doing on getting the okay from the insurance on the spinnal cord stimular.

It was at this point I was advised that the doctor I saw on Oct 3 was no longer there that I would have another doctor today. I asked what happened to the other doctor? She said one day he just up & quit, that it was a good thing. Dh & I were puzzeled as this doctor was out of Chicago & was to be on the upity up about pain managment. She was like trust me your going to like this new doctor much more he spends more time with patients, ect.

DH asked has he read my file, does he know whats going on? She said not yet but he will. At this point I became very nervous as this is the third/fourth pain doctor since spring at this clinic. The first two were a husband & wife team, they left & went to a bigger city (they wanted to burn the nerve), the next guy was the guy from chicago (he said the burning the nerve not fda approved & wanted the spinal cord stim) and now another PM doc. Oh boy.

Well the new doc, he came in & interduced himself to dh & I and then took my chart & went into a room a across the hall & reviewed it for about 15 mins. He said he wanted to do an exam, boy was that painfull. He then said he thinks I have two things going on. I have some nerve damage in the back side which is causing me the pain down to the back side of my knee & thigh as well as causing me to fall. He also said that I have damage in the groin area he named off a bunch of nervse that are being infected and told us that the pain is being caused because of scar tissue interfering with the nervse causing inflamation, and that it was more then likely caused by one or all of my three abdominal surgerys. He then did a nerve block in my groin area. right near the pelvic bone on the fare left side. Nothing to numb the area just stuck her in. Boy did I scream. All my mucles tensed up and I cried. It hurt & burned so bad. I was then told I could get dressed and go home. He told me to call back in a week to let them know how I was doing. He told us that if it helps it may be something I need to have done every or every other week for an indfenite amount of time. As well as blocks in my back to try to help me from falling and losing weekness.

I just don't know how I am going to be able to handle even having to go twice a month for blocks, I felt awful most of the day yesterday taking my pain meds afterwords, part of it was because when doing this my sensitive skin got irritated & the area got a blood blister which bleed most of the day & it is so tender there today I can't put anything on the area. So I really have not noticed a hole lot of improvement, but they said it would take about 4-5 days before I would because it takes that long for the steroid to start working.

I called into work today, I just could not get out of bed. When I did this morning I ended up throwing up, not sure why, I layed back down & slept until almost noon. I feel so guilty for calling in and I know my job will not work with me having to go back for more blocks.

After my block DH asked me were I wanted to go eat for my birthday. I said Red Lobster, have joking cause I did not think he would take me there, but he did.

Dh also found out were a good friend of mine was living. I had not seen her since her & her husband filed for divorce about 2 yrs ago. He new I missed her company and could really use her support right now. He asked me if I would like Julie to come for lunch with us. I said yeah, but I have no idea were she is. I have often talked how I wish I had her to talk too. He told me he knows were she is. We went and knocked on her door & asked DH said it was my birthday & that we would lover for her to join us for lunch his treat.

Julie is on disability do to RA, so she understands what its like to have chronic pain and had been a great support system for me as well as I for her. We had a wounderfull lunch & then went to the apple ochard & got apples. We then came back to her appartment & talked for 2 or more hours.

SHe asked DH how he was handling my pain knowing that it was going to be something I may be dealing with for a long time or for ever. He said its hard sometimes, but he loves me & is going to stand besides me. Julie told him he needs to be patient with me and understand that I am going to be slower at things but not to be fustrated with me just to incurage me and love me for who I am. DH said he feels that in the next 5-10 yrs because of my pain & the inflamation that I have in my body that no one has yet to figure out why that I too will not be able to work anymore.

This kind of hurt to hear him say this, but yet I know he loves me & understands that my pain is real. He showed Julie my hands as to how swollend they are. I when the swelling is down I can fit three fingers under my watch, I was so swollen yesterday I had a hard time fitting one. Dh said something is not right here & when she so the Rumitolgist he told her she just had fat fingers. I told julie how I have been having problems with my hands more & more lately as well as my arms. They go numb on me. I had not told DH this. He was upset that I had not told him, but I did not want to worry him.

My family doctor had said when they were doing all the testing in Feb for tissue disorters & lupus that I should have them repeated if I continued to have symptoms. DH wants the test repeated, but I just cant take off any more work. As well as I also need to have a scope done again for my barrets esphugus.

Sometimes I feel like I am brokend & I just want to be fixed.
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I think I am just about all shopped out... 10-16-2005 - 08:05 PM
DH & I got up around 6 am this morning & left the house right around 7 am, stopped at MC Donnalds for breakfast. DH even had to order an egg just for Dakota (the dog) as he said we could not eat them infornt of her. We went to Home Depot in Appleton, I found the decritive tile for my shower shelf & border there. Been looking all over for something I liked, DH was begining to think I was never going to find something. We went to Sears to look at Fridges as DH had saw one on line that he liked that was 50 persent off & wanted to inquire about it, but the guy there was a jerk, so when we got home we ordered it on line. They don't ship to the area we moved to, but they ship to the area were DH works, so we had it shipped to his work & since he is a Truck driver he can just put it in his trl & bring it home. Its cool, its bisk & side by side doors, its the depth of our counters so it will not stick out but its wider then a standard fridge. Normally was almost $2000 we got it for just over $1000 with tax & shipping to DH's work. I found a steal on a oven as well about 3 weeks a back at Mendards. I happened to notice that they had a few used appliances they were selling. I found an oven that looks almost like new, the model says its a 1998 (Kenmore) in a bisk shade for $9.00, they even gaurntee it for 4 weeks. We have not hooked it up yet, but DH says if it does not work no big deal. We got our over the oven micorwave last night. The only real big items that I think we need to get yet our our Kitchen/Bathroom cabnets and water heater. We still need carpet, paint & molding but all in due time.

I am so hoping I feel good after work tomorrow as I want to start working on the tiling behind the fire place.

DH and I made reservations at a nice hotel for Tuesday night with a whirlpool room since its our anv. The thing that sucks is we will not get there until around 8 pm, & I have to be at the doctor at 9 am in the morning. I can't eat anything to heavy for super. DH wanted to take me out for something really nice, but I said were going to have to wait until the next day. Oh well. I hope they dont keep me there to long after the block cause DH said he would take me to Door County to get some apples and jams.

I am really getting nervouse about this block cause I sumited my request for time off on the 4th of October for the 19th for the block & my boss never said yes or no to my request. I am afraid to ask. When I got hired on I was told if he does not say anything to you it means he is okay with your request, but if he has a problem with it he will come to you. He has not came to me, but also when you have a day off they put it on the calander & my name is not up there for that day. DH says dont work about it as you turned in your request & he has hurd you mention the up coming nerve block.

I wish I would of taken off on Tuesday as well cause it would of made it easier on DH & myself. I could of just rode with DH in the semi & we would not have to take too vehicles & I would not have to drive myself back home that evening of the block. I hope I am feeling well enough to do so.
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Keeping Busy... 10-15-2005 - 08:10 PM
Between work & working on the house I have been keeping very busy. DH had off this week so he worked on the house quit a bit as well as we did quit a bit of running when I got home from work. Monday night I came home to find my dad hear helping dh with wireing after my dad left, dh & I went for dinner, Tuesday night we went to my dads for dinner, Wednesday night we went to the hardware store & out for dinner, Thursday night I came home from work & could barely walk was in so much pain so DH made dinner, Friday night I met DH at my mom's after work cause he had to move a dryer for her & afterwards we went out for dinner we didn't leave here house until after 11pm. I came home and crashed. DH woke me up this morning at 8 am & told me to get dressed that we had to go to my dads & then go to Menards. We left my dads at 1030 then stoped for breakfast left the restraunte at 1200 noon & went straight to Menards & it was 6pm when we left their. Yiks 6 hours at Menards! No wounder why I am sore.

This old guy was laughing at me cause we had two shopping carts full of stuff & says to me honey your in trouble you better run. I just smiled at him & said I've been in trouble sence we got married. He just laughed.

I found the perfect tile today for behind our fire place. I am hoping that I can start working on the tile tomorrow or Monday. (DH wants to go shoping tomorrow in Appleton for appliances) Ugh... I am starting to get sick of shoping, but we have to run up there to pick up his semi as its back to work for him Monday.

Tuesday is our 8 yr anv. I can't believe that we have been married that long already. Then Wednesday is my 28th birthday. Tuesday night were going to spend the night in Oshkosh at a hotel since I have another type of nerve block being done on Wednesday. What a way to spend my birthday, but the way I have been feeling I could not say no. Atleast I get to spend the day with DH and not at work with all my crazzy drivers and co-workers. I guess with this nerve block he is doing its so post to let him know how deep my pain is & if its afecting one of my disks. I guess he is hoping to have me try the spinal cord stimular some time the end of the month or begining of November. Just got to get the insurance approval and once I have that I will have to get appoval from work as I will need about 1-2 weeks off for surgery & two days of for the trial and anyother apts. I dont know if they will work with me on it or not. Hard to say.

The new pain doctor did give me some meds when I was there he gave me Tramadol HCL for my pain and it seemed to take the edge off for me the other day when it was so bad, Part of me wishes I could just stay on that & avoid surgery for a while, but I dont know if they would let me stay on that. He gave me a script for 90 on the 5th of October, I have taken about 25 of them, when he gave me the script the nurse said it needed to last me until I saw him again on the 19th.

I think its time to try to get some sleep & call it a night.
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It's been a while... 10-08-2005 - 10:21 PM
It's been a while since I last came on line. Been staying busy trying to work on our house. Unfortantly I have not been much of a help to dh still dealing with pain. I can say I have enjoyed our weekly trips to the home inprovement stores. We have a lot of nice things picked out for the house, its just getting things done. The hot summer really put us behind.

I have not gotten much taping of the joints done, may be two joints, pretty sad hu? I feel bad, but I just am not able to do it. I have been trying to help DH in the bathroom. I helped him put the tub in as well as the floor in the bathroom & he even let me use the saw to cut some of the boards. We ordered our fire place it should be coming in the next week, its getting pretty cold in Wisconsin and the little space heater is not cutting it. Our poor kitty does not want to get up from next to it as she is cold. The temp just droped 40-45 degrees in like 24 hours. They should be starting our septic system the end of next week thank god.

DH took me to the store two weeks ago and I spent about 3 hours picking out paint for the house. I choose a pear green for the kitchen & dinning room, a light lemon yellow for the living room, a light sherburt orange for our room ( our room is small & dark so I want a bright color) and for our bathroom I choose a cranberry purple. Growing up I lived in a mobil home & it was all panneling, dh lived in a house that was all panneling & when we rented the house had white walls, so we are so excited to bring color into our home. Only room I have not picked a color for is our spare room, hopfully someday a childs room. Just plain stuck on that room. DH says I can wait to deside on that room. We choose a creammy white for our trim. I found tile for around our tub that is marble white, cranberry & gray. I am having so much fun picking out stuff for the house. DH has the week off & is hoping to get our heat in as well as the bathroom pretty much done.

I saw the new pm doctor last week. He wants to do another dyinostic nerve block he is conserned that I may have some other issues going on. He also still feels that I am a good canadate for the spinnal cord stimular. So we are proceeding with going thru the insurance for approval. He also put me on Tramadol HCL for pain 1-2 tabs every 4-6hours as needed. So far it seems to take the edge off and I am sleeping better. I go back on the 19th for the block... I amost wanted to say I could not do it that day cause its my birthday, but didn't say anything. DH said we will get a hotel room on the 18th since its our aniversery 8 yrs! And just stay in Oskosh since we live 2 hours away.

So fare I like my new job, but the stress is enough to kill a horse some days. Trying to manage 45 men and three females are enough to make me want to pull out my hair somedays. Managment does not help either. The company does not well at least my manager does not believe in structure. So I am having problems managing the way I would like to. I'll be honest I am looking for a new job. I am sick of begging people to do there jobs and bending over backwards to make them happy and then they fail on there loads and act like its no big deal. Ugh, not in a mood tonight to really get into work to much.

Boy it does feel good to be back. I missed you all. I guess I just needed sometime away to try to get adjusted to my new home & new job. I still am not adjusted, but I have learned it will take time.
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Saw GP depressed... 08-22-2005 - 09:49 PM
I hurried home from work & DH and I jumped into the jeep and went on your way to Green Bay. Deep inside I new this was going to be a wasted trip and really hesitated about the long ride after a bad day at work.

We get there & the first thing he asks is why am I here? I tell him why (he should know as my PM doctor's office worked with his nurse to met his critera for me to be seen) He wanted all my records from them & a bunch of other paper work. He then proceeds to tell me that he does not know much about nerve problems & he is guessing that they are treating me for nerve entrapment but is not sure.

He does a quick 5 min exam and ask's me if things hurt. I try to tell him were I have pian but he does not even check out that area. DH expresses his consern about me falling & doctor does not say anything.

Doctor only agrees to give me a script for neurontin for 60 days and says I wont notice any thing diffrent for a good month or so & basicly walks out the door.

I tried to ask about the dizzyness & the tingling in my mouth & lips to see if it could be hormone related & he says thats the funniest thing he ever heard. States hormones would not effect anything like that. This is the 3rd time I have brought up this to him & he dismisses it & walks out the door.

No pain meds. He doesn't beleive in them...

No pain releif stuck in a hole for another month...

Why did I waste my time even trying to think that someone would give a hoot.
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Seeing GP tomorrow. 08-21-2005 - 09:16 PM
Ugh... What a week of struggles last week. I pray that this week goes much better. I have an apt. w/my GP tomorrow at 730 pm. I am dragging DH with me as I have to drive from Wisconsin Rapids to Green Bay and after an exam I dont know that I would be able to drive home.

After begging with the doctors for someone to help me, I was told my family doctor would help me under his conditions. He wanted all the reports from the PM doctor, wanted to know what they thought should be perscribed, and I guess I have to sign something stating that I wont take meds from anyone else. I dont mind signing something as long as there is a time limit on it as my GP will be only treating my pain for 30 days, so I dont want to sign something for longer then that. It also makes me a bit nervouse cause like DH said what if I get in an acdt & need medication he's not going to have me transported over 100 miles away just so I can see my GP. So he says before I sign anything he also wants to read it.

The reason I cant get into see the PM sooner is the doctor is leaving for Egypt in a few days. I called my PM doc on Friday to verify that my GP had all the info he requested and was advised that he does. I had given each of them each others phone #'s so they could talk.

I am just nervouse about this hole thing and upset. DH is rethinking his thoughts on us adopting. He is going to be 37 in Dec and I will be 28 in Oct. He thinks that he is getting to old to have childern. Says by the time they graduated he would be ready to retire. I am hurt by this as we have talked about adoption even before we got married which was 8 years ago. I want to be a mom so this is really hard. When I had my LAVH he told me not to worry that there was a child out there for us we would just adopt I was fine with that, but the thoughts of not adopting break my heart. I have wanted to adopt ever since I was about 16.

DH also told me he is conserned that I might not be healthy enough to rase a child considering all the pain I have, the history of falls, as well as dizzyness/light headedness I have been having. The sad part is I know he may be right. I just dont know how to cope with it.

I dont know if its lack of estrogen or what, but I have times when I feel light headed and my lips & tounge almost feel numb & tingley. I also seem to feel like I loose my balance around the same time. Maybe I am just crazzy or something I dont know anymore. But boy would a feel really bad if I were to drop my child.

I was talking with one of my mom's friends today & she works for a major insurance company and she was saying that alot of people she has dealt with that had a spinal cord stimular put in had to have it removed because either it caused more pain/damage, did not help, ect. I just dont feel I know enough about this spinal cord stimular to agree to it yet, but what other choices do I have.

DH says we really dont have much of a choice to try it as I am only 27 and I cant live the rest of my life like this. He cant have his wife falling, in pain, ect.

I feel trapped. I want to do so many things. Things were not so post to be the way they are. I was to have the LAVH, and we kind of had the bad feeling I would need the BSO shortly after LAVH. But after the BSO I was to be ok. We were going to move & DH and I were going to work together on the house. We were going to have part of it done before we moved in in may. Didn't happen cause of my incision, well we thought once healed we would be here & we could work on it. Didn't happen feel & hurt foot, & nerve pain got worce. Once house was done we were going to start the adoption process in a year or so.

I finnaly have a good job, but you know what I am really not all that happy with it. The stress is just too much. If money weren't an issue I think I would rather be a greeter at wal-mart. I guess what I mean by good job is I make good money. If I told DH my job was to much I know he would be upset as we need the money to do the house.

It just hard trying to manage 40-50 people when you can't think straight because your in pain and you know no one will understand. I am also afraid if I do have the surgery that I will loose my job. No FMLA until at company for one year. I am pushing my self so much at work that I have no energy when I come home, its all wasted.

I just dont know where my life is going to lead me... It surely has not taken me down the path I thougth it would.
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Going on 70 hours of constant pain... 08-17-2005 - 05:32 PM
All I can say is I understand why people do drastic things when they are in a lot of pain. At this point I know not to do the drastic things, but must say I understand. Sounds crazzy but at this point I would like to take my head and pound it against the wall until it hurts harder then my groin pain. Dont know why but if something else hurts maybe the rest of my pain will go away. Crazzy things we think when we hurt.

I called the PM doctor's office yesterday to get more info on the SCS. I found out that I would go in on a tuesday, they would put the trial in & I would come back on a friday & they would take it out. If I have a 60 percent decrease in pain its thought to be a sucsess. If not then I dont know. Seeing how I am a slow healer they would wait could be as much as 4-6 weeks (until my back is healed from incisons made the with the trial) before they would do the final surgery.

I was told I would have an incision in the abdimin anyware from about 2-6 inches & same in the back. She said that I should be able to return to work the next day. This suprises me expecially if I end up with bigger incisions.

I talked to DH last night & he said lets go for it, not worth you being in that much pain. So I called our insurance to see what we would need to do to get something like this approved. She said the doctor needs to write a letter saying its medically needed.

So I called my PM doctor back & spoke with the nurse. I asked her about the letter. She said no problem just need you to come in and see the new PM & he will right one. They should not deny it since you have been taking opids (narcotic pain meds) daily to try to control your pain and are dependent on pain meds for day to day tasks & have had two blocks.

I stoped her and said I dependent on pain meds. What pain meds. Why do you think I am calling complaining so much because I hurt. Our office would not give me anything, and my family doctor would not give me anything because he sent me to you. She then told me to take over the counter stuff for my pain right now.

This really made me bad. As I have had no pain meds from doctors & they think I have & she said she could not get me into see the doctor until October 3 & he will not give me anything unless I see him. Oh do I want to blow a gasket.

She said I should call my GP and explain & ask him to give me something to control the pain until I see the doctor in Oct. So I called my GP and he is off today & the nurse was like I dont think he will call something in for you, with out you coming in for an evaluation. I was like I live over 100 miles away I am in pain & I cant get off of work unless he can see me on Saturday I cant come in. Please Please call my PM nurse & talk with her.

So thats were I stand right now. PM nurse said to go to ER for something if I needed, but DH says no cause the er is just going to give me enough pain meds for a day or two & tell me to go see my doctor.

Can I please bang my head against the wall?!?

I dont know if this is right to say this, but if my pain could be controled with medication I think I would like to wait a bit before another surgery. The thought of some one cutting me after my last surgery sets the fear of death in me. But as a last resort to get any help I would do it.
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24 hours of pian... 08-15-2005 - 08:08 PM
I am fustrated & scared. The pain is bad. I feel it in my left groin & it wraps around thru my hip & to my back side, it also goes down to my knee.

I want to be pain free. I know I need to go see this new pain doctor that took over my old doctors job, but I am afraid to talk to my employer & ask for the day off to go. Why do I need a hole day? Doctors office is about 2 1/2 hours from were I live, after an exam its going to be hard enough for me to drive my self home let alone return to work & if I deside I want to presue the spinal cord stimular they are going to want me to see a pysiatrist as well.

Been doing some research on the spinal cord stimular (scs) looks like they do a trial first & then implant the scs after the trial. This would mean more time a way from work which from what I read could be 4-6 wks away from my job. I have only been with the company for about 90 days & they dont have any type of leave from what I understand unless you have been there for a year. Which is kind of confusing considering I am paying for short term disablity insurance thru the company.

I finally have a pretty good paying job that I overall enjoy & I dont want to loose it, but I can tell with my pain as high as it is I dont have the patience to do my job the way I should.

I came home from work in tears tonight because the pain was to intense. I dont think the hole bottel of Tyeonl pm could take away the pain.

Sorry I guess I am kind of depressed. I dont really have anyone I can talk to cause my family thinks I am a big whinner & just does not understand. My dad even told my DH that he thinks I am lazzy. I know dh understands, but gets fustrated.
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Best Freinds Wedding Tomorrow, Finally Herd From PM Doctor 08-05-2005 - 05:40 AM
I've been running around the house for the past 24 hours like a chicken with my head cut off. Trying to get ready for this wedding. My parents are taking care of Dakota (dog) & Zesty (kitten) while we are gone, so I have been busy making sure the house is some what clean while they come & let them out & feed them. I really wish I had normal storage to put things away in. I don't even have a kitchen cabnit or anything. So its really hard to tity up when you have no place to put anything.

Last night I did 4 loads of laundry after work & put a way some close (we do have one closet) & hunted high & low thru about 7 boxes looking for DH's good cloths for the Wedding.

WIth everything I did last night by the time I went to bed I hurt bad. Dont know why but my foot is in constant pain again. I did not twist it or fall & it hurts in the same place it did before. Ugh.... I thought it was healed & DH thru out my brace cause it was falling apart. Wish he had not done that.

I finally got an awnser from the PM doctor about the special needle. Well I guess they can't do it cause its not FDA Approved. Wonderfull hu? Here they have been leading me on a string since May telling me that this would work & that they have done it before, ect. How had they done it if it was not FDA approved? Well that PM doctor had moved to another office & I can't go to that office cause of insurance so the New PM doctor in the old office looked into the special needle & said nope can't do not FDA approved. I guess he would like to do the spinal cord stimular. The nurse said she would be sending me a DVD to watch & a bunch of info to read. I read on line last night that the spinal cord stimular is a last resort. Have I done everything else that I should do yet is the nagging question in my head.

I have had 3 surgerys, one lap, LAVH, & a BSO. I have also had two nerve blocks & tryed tyeonal & Ibprofine for my pain, but I can no longer take Ibprofine type meds cause of my stumach & tyeonal does not tuch the pain. My old GP had given me extra strenght vicodine & so did my old GYN until I had the BSO & healed from my incision pain. Have I tried everything else. One would think that there is something else left to try.

Kind of scares me that they are wanting to do something to me at 27 that is considered a last resort. What if it does not work?
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Been Busy w/work & freinds upcoming wedding 08-01-2005 - 08:56 PM
I have been really busy with work lately & my freinds upcoming Wedding. Seems like I am putting more & more time in at work. Guess its just getting use to the job and the fact that I can't stand to go home at night know that I did not get things finished & have to put them on my plate for the next day. I like to start each day out with a clean plate so I tend to stick around longer to make sure that happeneds. Less stressfull for me I guess.

Two weeks ago I had the batcherlet party for my freind Tara, it was my first time every going to a batcherlet party. Intersting I must say, although I was kind of bord cause I don't get into the bar seen that much. I felt like I was 48 instead of going on 28. Oh, well Tara had a good time, which is all that matters as it was her night.

My incision has been bothering me that past few days. Think its open a little bit. It was throbbing today at work has not done that in a long long time. DH said he would look at it before bed.

This heat sure has been getting to me & my hormones. I just cant seem to tollerate the heat like I use to. Seems like my boddy seems to go tingly & I get headaches. I am just guessing my hormones are playing a role in this.

My nerve pain has also been active the past 24 hours on both sides. I have noticed too that it seems like I am having pain when I pee again at the end of peeing as well as I seem to be dribbling in my undies lately, as they seem wet when I use the restroom. Maybe the nerve problem has something to do with that as I seem to have had pain at the end of urination since I had the LAVH in 03.

Still waiting to hear back from the pain specialist about the special needle. Its been since the middle to end of May, wounder how much longer I have to wait... When I called about 3 weeks ago I was told they would call me as soon as it was done.

Yesterday we went to see DH's aunt who is in her mid 70's. We were talking about doctors & stuff and why we see them. I said the only reall reason I have been seeing them is for this nerve pain. She said well I have aches & pains & its just part of life your too young to be chasing to the doctor for aches & pains. After we left I told DH, this is not just & ache or pain like one might get when you over do something or cut yourself, ect this is alot worce & alot stronger & constant. He said he knows, but yeah know I think alot of people just think its like a normal aches & pains that I complain about. I have tendinitis in both wrist, but I rarely complain about that. My foot is still sore & stiff in the morning or if I do to much, but I dont complain about that either. DH said I know, but others just dont understand. I somethimes wounder what people think of me?
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Down I went again... 07-18-2005 - 08:22 PM
Ugh... I fell again this evening. I was walking in the living room just heading out the door to finish taking the cloths off the line & check dinner on the grill & down I went. It happened so fast all I knew was I was on the ground.

I wounder why I keep falling? Am I that big of a cluts? I sure feel like it. DH wounders if I lost muscle or something in my legs. I wounder if its do to my nerve entrapment.

My back was doing fine untill I fell now it hurts. My groin area had been hurting for about an hour or so before I fell. Seems that it bothers me more mid to end of the day & if I over do it it's constant. It just puzzles me. My poor legs are really getting brused & scratched up. Its a good thing that I have a long dress for the wedding.

Time to try to get some sleep, tomorrow is another day, just hope it does not include a meeting with the ground again.
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Thank you Jane & Mei... I enjoyed my afternoon 07-16-2005 - 04:03 PM
Shortly after I finished journaling my step mom called asking me what I was doing today, she wanted to know if I wanted to go to Appleton shopping for a dress from my freinds weding in two weeks. After my conversation with my dad about an hour prior I felt like saying working around here, yeah know cleaning up the junk yard & the swamp... She always is refering to our property as swamp. Boy that bugs DH as our property is higher then their property.

But anyway I told her that I was going to see my grandmother that they were having a pig roast at were she stays. Then she wanted to know what I was doing tomorrow & I said I was not sure. She proceeded to say well how about I come over around 730 or 8 am if I can get up that early and we go to Appleton shopping for that dress as the wedding is just two weeks away. I said fine I don't care. Truethfully I found a dress on line @ layne bryants that I really like & have been debating about just ordering it on line. I really dont feel like going shopping or spending the day with her after my dad's remarks. But I did say something to her about 3 weeks ago that maybe she could go shopping with me for a dress. So I guess I gota stick to my word & take her shopping.

I really enjoyed the lunch at my grandmothers place. There were a lot of people their. I was really suprised by the number of people that came from our family. My aunt Shirley & uncle Ted were their, My aunt Ann & her two grandchildren Jackie & J.D., My aunt Mary, My aunt Pattie & her two daughters Kristina & Lisa and my great Uncle as well. I think my grandmother had the most family of anyone their. Her & grandpa had 10 kids. She was showing us off to everyone.

The lunch was not the greatest, but I didn't go for the food, I went to visit with family and enjoy them. My real only complaint was the polka band it was way to loud and no one could really hear each other talk. It was neat watching the older people out their dancing. My grandma said she wished my grandpa was still here so they could dance. I wish he was too. He passed away almost 7 yrs ago. I have so many happy memories of them two together. They were married 51 yrs and celebrated there 51st wedding anv the day after DH & I got married. They both hold a very special place in my heart.

Its kind of sad as the family has came to a decision that its time to sell grandma's home as she has been in assisted living for about a year, she is almost out of money & will have no money to pay the taxes and up keep. She has high hopes of going home, but she never will. The house is built on a portion of the original 200 acher family farm which has been in our family since the late 1800's. My grandfathers dad came hear from Polland as a small child & that is where he grew up. My uncle has had the farm since I was born, but since has sold off a good part of it. My mom & future step dad are talking about bying 5 achers of the 10 achers my granmother still owns to build a house, but last weekend they mention maybe buying grandma's house. That would make me so happy if they did. I feel like if a stranger bought that house part of my heritage would be gone.

After I left there I stopped at shopko & picked up a new toy for both of my fur kids, 2 cd's & some hair spray as I seemed to have lost my bottle some where.

I dont know if its the heat, or what but over the past month or two I have been having weird feelings. I feel like my tounge gets tingley and as well as my head kind of feels tingley even my lips feel tingley every so often. Odd hugh... Just had the thought I wounder if that would have anything to do with my falling? I know I complained to my GP about this tingley feeling when I was having so many problems with my incision bleeding, but he just dismissed it & it seemed to go away, but its back again. I have not said anything to anyone cause last time I did everyone thought I was nuts... But I know you all wont laugh at me...

Mei & Jane you are both so right about my dad. He is so set in his ways and he has no idea what a work schedule is like. Heck him & my stepmom take naps every afternoon. My step mom is like 48 & my dad is like 53. Maybe on a Saturday or Sunday every once in a while DH & I will grab a nap, but not every day. Ugh it just bugs me. I know I should let it go in one ear & out the other, but its harder said then done.

Well I think I am going to put some laundry in & run & pick up something for dinner, dont know what, but its too hot to cook.
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1 semi, 1 pick up truck & 1 car trl stuck... And a lecturing Father. 07-16-2005 - 09:38 AM
The adventures of last night...

I came home from work & called DH to see what time he thought he would be home, he said it was going to be another hour or so. So I told him I was going over to Dads to shower (dont have shower here yet), get gas, run Jeep through car wash & he asked me to stop at the store for a few things & then I would be home.

I was in the car wash when my cell rang. All I could hear was DH saying where in the H*LL are you? I said I am in the car wash. Well your running all over the place & here I am with the truck stuck, get home so you can help me. I said ok... I will be home in about 20 mins.

Okay, I am thinking he has the off road truck stuck, well as I approach our property I find that he has I good truck stuck & the car trl. He went onto the road & tried to pull through the ditch which has a pretty good calvert & got stuck. I new at that point it was not good. I would of really liked to have just driven by.

So I pull in the yard & park the Jeep & walk out by him, well I soon find that he also has the semi truck hooked to the good Dodge & he is know hooking the off road truck to the good Dodge. He tells me to get into the good Dodge, with no other instructions... Now mind you I really have no idea what to do, do I leave the truck in nuetrual & let him pull, or do I put it in first & give it gas. Well I deside to put it in first & give it gas as he pulls (at this time I did not know, but he allready had all 4 tires on the dodge down into the dirt) Well were not going anyware & he gets out of the off road truck & throws his hands up at me and yells something & gets in and begins to pull, well this time the chain came loose & hit the good dodge cracking the windshield & hitting the hood scratching it all up. DH & I both get out of the trucks, he is screaming at me at the top of his lungs saying all kinds of wounderfull words & at this point it was all my fault.

I ask him if he wants help as I can call my dad. He says no. I ask what I can do & he tells me to go up to the house and read a book or something. I come back almost crying feeling helpless cause I dont know how to help him & I want to help. So I call my dad & dad tells me just to calm down & we talk for a few mins & he askes me if DH needs his help. I said yes, but he will not admit it. He tells me to go back out & ask him again if he needs help & call him back.

So I go out & ask if he needs help & he tells me no. But know I see he has the semi stuck & is trying to pull it with the off road truck. I go back in & call dad, he says he will be over in about 30 mins.

Well dad shows up & the three of us work together & get thing on stuck... (the reason DH was trying to put the trl in the ditch was to back on the off roading truck cause he does not have ramps)

After we get unstuck dad says he has ramps & his house so we go over there & get it on the trl. After words DH appoligised & said he was sorry. In my mind it was all forgotten as I was not mad at him, just fustrated cause I did not know how to help.

DH gets up this morning & I pack his cloths, beding, find the windows screens that fit in the topper, get a fan, and pack his food. While he finishes tightening everything down & loads the mattress into the back of the truck. I call the guy he is metting up north's girl friend to get Dave's cell & find out when the rest of the guys are going to be up there for the batchler party. Give DH Daves number & a kiss & off he goes.

20 mins latter my dad pulls in the driveway & lectures me about not doing enough around here. He says that I need to do more for Steve that he is stressed out cause there is a lot that needs to be done & all I do is sit inside. Oh, did I want to blow a gasket... My dad says that every day after work I should be coming home & working outside for 2 hours helping Steve. Mind you Steve does not even do anything after a long day at work, he is too tired.

When we got the farm Steve's brothers trashed the place before. There is crap everywhere. But Steve and I both agreed we were going to work on fixing up the inside first before we worried about the outside. Plus we have been having 90 degree pluss weather for the past about 3 weeks so its been to hot to do much outside. Granted I know I should do more around here I need to start working on the walls but with the pain I have been it I am thankfull I have been able to go to work & so has DH. My dad does not understand what pain I have been in & just thinks I am lazzy & if I try to explain it to him he will just think I am a baby. He thinks cause DH drive truck all day and I work in an office punching keys all day that I have an easy job vs him. Yes DH is a lot more physical, but mine is a lot more mental... I have to manage on any given day 25-50 people and solve all there problems for them when I am 100's to 1000's of miles away. My day is to be an 8 hour work day, but many days ends up being 9-10 hours & I am not saying dh's is short in any way as he works 50-60 plus hours in any given week. My dad does not work, well he delivers news papers on Friday all day & Saturday mornings. He has never punched a clock or worked a 40 hour work week in my whole 27 almost 28 years of life.

DH just called I told him dad stoped by... He asked me what he said. He knows my dad all to well already. I said not much just wanted to make sure that you left okay. And give me a lecture. He said he did not lecture you about getting the Jeep did he? I said no. DH said good because you deserve that Jeep. With all the health problems that you have had you deserve to be happy & ride in comfert & I feel safer with you in the Jeep vs the Kia.

I said he lectured me on not doing enough out side to clean the place up. DH said you have not been able to cause you've been sick & its been so hot. I said I know. He also said I should not be mad at you. I said I am not mad at you. I never was, I was just fustrated cause I did not know how to help you. Then I asked him if he was mad at me & he said no. I love you & I know you were fustrated cause you did not know how to help.

Ugh, what a way to start our weekend. To my husbands likes & to my dads dislikes I am going to get ready & go to the pig roast at my grandma's assisted living & suprise her. She was asking everyone in the family to come & my mom said on thrusday that 2 of my aunts were coming and possible 2 of my little cousion 10 & 12 were coming. DH and I talked about it and my grandma is still not doing really well. She has lost so much weight since her acident last year & her hurt is weak who knows how much more time she has left that I should go & spend time with her. So I am going to go & then afterwards maybe stop over & my aunt & uncle & cosions to spend some time with them.

I am happy to say that my back pain & flank pain seems to be pretty much gone. Last night my nerve pain was raging bad, but I kept going & did not say a word as there was alot to get done. I feel pretty good right now, my pain is about a 3-4 which is good for me. I dont think I even know what a 1 or no pain day is anymore. But I get the feeling this is something I have to learn to live with as well as my family.

I pray that God keeps me strong and protects DH & all his freinds this weekend durring the party & off road adventure & last but not least that my dad & step mom stay away for the weekend.
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I fell again... 07-13-2005 - 06:14 PM
I fell about 1 1/2 mths ago, and at that time I hurt my foot. I beleive I fell because I lost my balance and my left leg seemed to give out (side I have nerve entrapment in). My foot has just began to feel well enough where I don't have to wear the brace anymore.

Well today after work I stopped at the store to pick up a few things for dinner and as I was walking away from my car I went down again. Thankfully I did not injury my foot again or twist my ankle. I did skin my knee up, I feel like a little kid who does not know how to walk.

I dont know why I am having so much trouble walking, I have had other incidents where I have came close to falling but didnt.

I dont know if its the nerve problems that are making this happen or what. Not only does it hurt when it happens but its also very embarising. DH says maybe I need a cane. God I hope not.

My pain specialist office has basicly blown me off. I have been requesting since my first fall the end of May for them to make the special needle to burn the nerve. Well my pain doctor transfered practices and with the transfer which took place 7/4/05 means I can no longer see her or her husband cause our insurance does not cover there office. Another doctor is coming in to take there place, but he does not start until next week. When I called yesterday asking to be seen I was told that I would have to wait 2 weeks and that it would be better for me to go to my family doctor for an evaluation since this doctor has never seen me before & if I was having kidney problems.... The thing is I am not sure what kind of problems I am having, the thing I am sure of is I am in pain.

I made it through work today... Not quite sure how, but I did. I guess the 4 pain pills I took durring the 8 hour period helped too.

My back is still hurts & the pain wraps around as high as my belly button going as low as my groin area.

I know a few of you have asked how my incision is & its doing really good. Its closed, the left side is healed very well, but the right side is still very fraggle. It has cracked open a few times on me. But over all very little pain from it unless I touch it or put pressure on it. The Wounds Specialist had told me even once its closed it will take about a year for it to truelly be healed and based on how I heal a good 3-6 mths before I would be out of the wind for it reopening. I try just to take it easy yet & not lift anything really heavy or do anything that would strain that area. DH is still very carefull with me as well as we have only had intercourse once since my surgery. He said he is still afraid I might break open.

I truelly feel for him. I feel like I have put a big burden on him with my almost constant pain. I want so much to help with this house and remodling, but some days I am lucky if I can get handle work, especially the past week. I dont want him to feel like he has to do it all himself, as this is my house also & my dreams as well as his. Something we've wanted to do together as one.
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Back to work tomorrow. 07-12-2005 - 09:34 PM
My back and side are in pain again... After DH got home I made a roast on the grill and we went over to my dads to shower. (Still dont have running water in the house yet or a shower to use... We got the well in about two weeks ago and are waiting on our hot water heater to come in, DH had to special order it) We have been going to dads almost every day to shower, and are regulars at the two local gas stations. After our shower my dad wanted to sit around and bs a bit. So we just got home.

DH's feet where killing him after a long day at work so I agreed to drive, my dads is really close about 6 miles. So that ment I did not take any pain meds since 3:30, so I feel like I am dying right now.

I have to go back to work tomorrow or have a doctors note, and I cant afford to take off another day. DH and I agreed that if I am not doing any better my mid friday I will get in with a weekend doctor either were we use to live or go to another town.

I just feel like someone took a bat and beat me up in my back & the pain wraps around into my side. Still trying to push the fluids but not much coming out the other end. I think I went to the bathroom maybe 2 or 3x today.

I know a few of you have asked if they did any blood work & no they didn't. Just the urine test & the CT scan.

Well going to try to get some sleep.
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Rested most of day... 07-12-2005 - 05:03 PM
I rested most of the day. DH thought it would be best if I did not travel the 110 miles to the doctor just to see the NP as my regular doctor was booked. He felt that the drive would not be good for me as well as more then likely she would of done nothing for me.

UGH... I don't know if that was the right choice or not. He is really fustrated with all that's been going on with me. So am I, but I don't know where to turn anymore.

I seriously think & beleive based on my symptoms I am truelly suffering with the pain from the aftermath of a kidney stone. As dh says I have a high pain tolurance & always wait until the pian gets so bad that I can't move before I go in, and the last two times it seams like I have already passed the stone, hence blood has been in the urine.

He's also fustrated with my pain managment doctors. As I have been on them for over a month to make the special needle to do the nerve block where they burn the nerve, its so post to provide pain releaf for up to 2 yrs. It seems like they still have not gotten any where on making this needle. DH feels its time to look else where for pain releif. Were I don't know.

He says he planned on us remodling this house together, but it seems like more & more its just going to be him doing so and he is dissapointed in that. He said its seems like its either your incision (which is still healling, its closed, but very tender yet) your foot (which is doing really good, have not worn brace in 4 days!) my nerve entrapment (don't know what to do about that) or now kidney stones again.

I feel like I have let him down. I want him to be proud of me, not dissappointed & I don't want him to have to do the house hisself I want to help.

Write more later he just got home...
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Not much sleep last night 07-12-2005 - 06:13 AM
Even with the pain meds I did not get much sleep last night because the pian kept waking me up. I tried to sleep on the sofa, no luck, so I came back to bed with DH & the dog. I tossed & turned most of the night trying to get comfterble.

I just dont know what's going on. So I guess I will be calling my PM doctor & my GP. I would call my URO, but since we changed insurance he is no longer someone I can see. Hopefully someone can find out what's causing this.

DH thinks that the CT scan showing the cloudy lung, and the ER doctors therory that its caused my my shallow breathing do to pain, shows that the pain has been going on for a while. That maybe someone will do something to help me.

I guess the puzzling thing for me is the only time's in my life that I have had back pain has been when my cysts would get bad on my ovaires or with kidney stones. They say not kidney stones & I dont have any ovaires as well as I seriously dont belive its a back strain.

DH has hurt his back before & he said that its constant, it does not come in go in waves. As well as I have not done anything that would strain my back or pull a mucles even with the move cause DH has been very carefull as to what he would let me do.

Ugh.. I really want to take some more meds & try to go back to bed. BUt I know I need to call into work as well as try to reach the doctors.
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Broke Down & Went 2 The ER 07-11-2005 - 08:21 PM
I woke up this morning & could hardly get out of bed & get myself dressed. Around 1030 the pain was so bad I asked my boss if I could please leave cause when my DH got home from work I wanted him to take me to the ER.

My back hurt so bad that I could hardly get out of my desk chair. The pain seems to wrap around my low to mid back (left side) towards my tummy.

DH took me to the ER & the first thing the doctor said he did not think it was kidney stones. I felt like someone had taken a bat & hit me in the back. I wanted to yell at the doctor & tell him that I have had Kidney stones 4x prior I know what they feel like.

He said he would do a CT scan (never had CT for Kidney stones before, URO always did an IVP) and he would get a urine sample. He also wanted to do a pregancy test. I laughed at him & said that would be a waste of money.

The CT scan did not show any kidney stones. Figures... It did show that the bottom part of my lung is cloudy. He thinks its because I am not taking deep breaths because of the amount of pain I am in. The urine sample only showed that I had some blood in my urine.
He thinks I just pulled my back.... (DH and I beg to differ with him.)

They gave me some tremal in the ER for pain, that did not cut it. Then they gave me something stronger which brought the pain down from an 8/9 to about 4.

DH asked him if it could be ENDO returning since my doctors had insistead that I take Premrin, even after 3 surgerys to remove endo. The doctor said its very unlikely for endo to return & it would not cause the kind of pain I am in & it would show blood in the CT scan in my abdomin if it was endo. DH asked about my nerve entrapment if that was causing some of this, and he said he just thinks I pulled my back. Then he asked who I see for my back problems. I told the er doctor no one, I never have really had back problems, the never entrapment effects my groin area, and I see a pain specialist for that. He then asked me why I came into the ER. I said cause all my doctors are over 100 miles away.

He gave me a script for 24 vicodine & told me to get with my doctor to discuse treatment & for him to establish me with a doctor in my new town. But I was basicly told that the ER would not treat or help me with chronic pain issues, they dont do that.

DH and I felt very blown off. Last time when I was in such bad pain like this & it was kidney stones even though the GP we had at the time thought I pulled my back my uro kept me in the hospital for almost 48 hours to make sure my pain was well controled. DH feels they should of kept me in since I am home now & still in pain and they really dont know why.

The doctors in this area really suck thats partly why we had moved away before... I see they have not gotten any better.

So I came home & tryed calling my family doctors office after hours staff to set up an appointment for tomorrow and was told that since I was seen in ER tonight he could not make an appointment for me, that he could only make appointments for things like colds, sore throats & ear aches. I would have to call back tomorrow to see if my doctor could see me. I was blown away at that lovely customer service of helping out a patient who is pain & lives over 100 miles away who is try to get an appointment.

I am just fustrated & scared cause I don't know what is causing this awful pain. It has been coming & going for almost a week. I am pretty sure I had passed a stone Friday. I could feel it in my urthra moving. Saturday my side hurt around my ribs, and Saturday night my upper back hurt bad, Sunday durring the day I felt so/so, by early evening I was exhausted, and by night fall my back hurt so bad I was up most of the night, and by morning the pain was wrapping around to my stumach/rib/bladder area.

I am going to take another pain pill & lay down on the sofa. I hate to do it, but I think I will be calling into work tomorrow. Dont really know what to tell the boss about why I am in such bad pain. All I know is I will also be calling pain managment.
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Finnally Got Internet! 07-09-2005 - 12:30 PM
We just got hooked up with the internet/cable at our new place about 2 hours ago. I feel sorry for the guy that hooked it up. Mind you our house is basicly just ruffed in & drywalled, and cable has never been in the house, and we live in the country. It took the poor guy over 2 hours to get everything hooked up. They have to come back & barry the cable under ground yet.

So much has gone on since I have been able to log on. I have so much to share with everyone. I have missed you all so much.

This entry is going to have to be short cause I have to go down to the bank & sign loan papers. We are buying a 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited tonight. It is in mint condition & has every option available to man on it. I can't wait. We also plan on taking a road trip tonight up to see our freinds where we us to live. I am excited.

Not feeling that well today, well the past 3 days. Think I have kidney stones again. Having a lot of discomfort. I have not gone in to find out for sure, but I have had them 5 times in the past 6 yrs. I think I may have passed one yesterday, but I am having pain on my left side hire up, rib area. Last time I had them I ended up in the hospital for 2 nights... (funny more then I spent in when I had my ovaries removed & my lavh)

Oh yeah we have a new addittion to our family, her name is Zesty, she is an 8 week old, calico, long medium haired kitten. She has deffently added some "Zest" around our house. Dakota likes her even though she wont admit it. I have caught the two of them playing quite a bit. I think she likes the play mate while we are at work. They have there spats though too. Dakota has not quite figured out how to play with a cat & Zesty is not quite sure how to play with a dog.

Well I better head to the bank. Just wanted to let you all know I am finnaly back! Just have to figure out the web site, lots of new changes.
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On foot to much... 06-05-2005 - 09:28 PM
Ever try moving on crutches... Can't do it... I tried, walking at the farm (our new place, use to be a farm when my husbands parents had it before he was born) I thought I was going to kill myself & land flat on my face. By the time we got back there after visiting my parents I could not move my little toe & the toe next to it, my foot was so swollened. I was up all night with pain from my foot & the storm. Does not help it's my left foot & I have the main nerve problems in my left groin & both were acting up last night. Dh joked too bad they just can't numb that hole side of the body.

Today we had to cut our grass, it looked like a hay field... DH woke up & told me just to stay in bed that he was going to try to fix the old rider so we could cut grass. Well it was stuffy in the house cause we had to close all the windows do to the bad storm durring the night & I desided to get up and open the windows. Well I swear god sent us two angles this morning...

I looked out the window & saw my dad & step mom pulling in with there truck & a trl behind it w/their riding lawn mower & my step mom advised me that my dad was here to cut our grass.

My step mom help pick up all the sticks in the yard I tried to hoble along & help too after all I could not sit on my butt when they were doing all the work. My step mom & I raked up the grass as it was past knee high. She asked me how my foot was & I said I will be okay, it is just sore & it hurt bad last night, throbbed so I could not sleep, it was really swollen.

She said how come I see crutches in the back of your truck? Are us so post to be on crutches? I said yeah... SHe said then what are you doing. I said you & dad our helping us & pain or no pain I have to help too. She had a cooler full of soda with ice packs & she made me sit down & put ice on my foot & her & dad would not let me do anymore around the farm.

I just felt bad sitting there while the rest worked on the farm atleast she did not notice the crutches until we were over halve way done. She said I am just like my dad, always trying to tuff things out.

I just can't get the hang of walking with them. My wrists & hands & upper body are so sore from trying. I also seemed to have bloated out all of a sudden again. Just like I was when my incision was open. All my joints are hurting again.

My pain managment doctor is out of town for 3 weeks so I can't get in for another treatment. Well I can with the other doctor filling in but I was advised by the nurse he is not a nice doctor.

When I saw the saturday doctor they said if my foot is not better by mid week they want an mri done... Not sure how I am going to manage that one. I guess I am going to call my insurance & see if by some how since the cover the local hospital were we are moving, but not any doctors in the area if there is anything that can be done about getting it done @ the local hospital even if it means sending the results to my doctor up here.

I just truelly feel like I have put on 40 pounds of water or something all over my body... My hands are all puffy...But my bad foot looks the worce. DH freeked when I showed him last night... My toe nails were even purplish blue. I could not feel most 3 of my toes & part of my foot, but once the swelling went down some the pain was intense.

Well tomorrow morning will be my last journal entry for a while as we have to get our internet hooked up at our new place & I think it will take us 3-4 weeks based on the call I made friday. But I will try to log on from the libary & familys house. I am going to miss you all.

Well I better get off the floor, kneeling as we moved all of our chairs & hit the hay as I have to be at work for 7:50 am & I am driving from our house we are moving from & it's a two hour drive.

Of to bed with 2 ice bags one for my foot & one for my groin.
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back from doctor... 06-04-2005 - 11:35 AM
I just got back from the doctor & she put me on crutches, thinks I tore something & wants me if not feeling any better within 3-5 days to get in for a mri.

I picked up the crutches, but can't quit get the hang of them. Looks like I will have some time to get use to them as she said that I may need to use them for a good 2-3 weeks.

My nerve pain is acting up in my right groin bad today... But I don't have time to think about any pain right now as we have to beat the storm & seveare weather with our first load of stuff to our new place.

Got to jet, just wanted to up date ya all.
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Back from another week @ work... 06-03-2005 - 07:48 PM
Just finished my second week @ my new job. So far so good. Today was a long day cause everyone of our drivers seemed to have a problem of some sort. I did not think the day was going to ever end. But each day I seem to be picking up more & more. Still have lots of questions but unfortanitly we have to move at such a fast pace most of the time that I don't get to ask them, which I know is going to hurt me once I get on my own... I pray that I will get 2-3 more weeks of training & that when they let me on my own they don't give me the full 50 drivers to start. I pray for 30. Everyone has told me that there first month or two that they have cried once they where on there own. The job is stressfull & has a lot of responsiblitys, but that is to be expected with being a manger & making $2.00 more & hour then what I did befor. I will also get a raise in 90 days once I go on my own. Only bad part is the insurance sucks bad... So we will have to stick with DH's insurance & travel the 100 miles to a doctor, cause I am not paying $125.00 per week & dealing with the high deductables & co-pays.

Speaking of doctors, I called & am going to see one tomorrow for my foot. I tend to wounder if I really did tear something or even break something. My foot is fine if I don't walk on it or try to point my toes upwards or put any pressure on top of the foot (even the ice bag hurt last night.) So we'll se what the doc says tomorrow.

We still have lots of packing to do & two weeks to get out of our rental & get water & the shower working in the camper at the new place. Yikes!! I hope we can get it all done. I told my mom if not I guess we will have to stay in a hotel for a week or something... I know we cant stay with her as her house maybe solid by the end of the month & she has to move as well. Dh thinks we could stay with my dad for a week or two, but I really hate too.

I just wish I could wiggle my nose & my new house would be finished. I know DH said it should only take us about 4-6 weeks to get it done so we are comfterble (will have to do all the decorating & fine tunning), & by doing it our selfs with DH's dicount on building materials from work we should save $15,000-$20,000. So I guess I just need to be patient & tuff it out for a while, which means I may not have the internet for 4-6 weeks as well. Ugh...

Well I just wanted to update you all... Pluss I miss my journal so much when I cant write every day... Think I may have to start a paper one for when I cant be in here. I need to change cloths & head over to a freinds... Last time we get to visit before we move...
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Back from ER... 05-29-2005 - 10:09 PM
I tried to hobble down stairs to do laundry & came up in pain... I hobbled outside where DH was & told him as soon as he finished what he was doing we need to get this foot checked out... So off we went to the ER.

They x-rayed my foot & said that it's possible that I may have a stress fracture, but they don't show up on x-rays. He things I just strained & tore legguments (sp)... He wrapped my foot & part of my ankle & gave me a funcky blue shoe to wear and told me to keep it elevated, ice & take iburpofine, which I told him I can't take cause of my stumach so he also sent me home with 6 vicodine to help. He said if it's not any better in a week to follow up with my primary care doctor for some more test. He also said if I find that I just can't bear weight on it to also check w/my family doctor after the holiday about crutches. Ugh...

So we'll see how it goes. DH is making me some onion rings right now... I seem to be craving them constantly lately & pickles too... Don't know why all the cravings lately...

Well off to the sofa I go...
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I gave in & called the nurse... 05-29-2005 - 01:53 PM
I just got off the phone with the nurse... She said that if I can't bare full weight on it with out pain that I may have broke something... Just really puzzles me cause it's not swollen or black & blue? I new it was time to call someone cause the pain it hurts bad & I am getting crabby & jumping down DH's throat.

It's numb right know cause I put ice on it, but it was throbbing bad before I put the ice on. (its my left foot) it seems to hurt in the ball of the foot, on the far left side by my fourth & fifth toe from the big toe. I can walk w/o pain as long as I don't put any pressure on that area. But when I try to walk on it, it hurts bad & feels like something is split if that makes any sense?

Dh told me just to drive myself to the er... But I have a stick shift & want him to take me. (he is watching a movie on tv) I swear sometimes I just can't get him away from the tv.

Yesterday I hobbled to nextel and got myself a cell phone... Just doing way to much traveling to be with out one. Never thought I see the day where I wanted a cell phone. I just can't seem to figure the sucker out, there are so many things it can do... It can send email, go on line (but I did not add those futures more $) I just basicly want voice mail & caller ID. I was playing with it last night & I have no idea what I did with it... It was doing all this weriod stuff, DH kept laughing at me. It's going to take some time to figure out. It's even got GPS if I get lost... Boy technology... We thought we were all that when we got a computer a few years ago. We got it from a freind & it was really old & died on us last spring & we bought this one & we still don't have it figured out yet. I guess we are not techies...

But I think my phone is cool, just wish I knew how to use it... LOL... I did not think it was bad, ulimted nights & weekends, 800 anytime minutes,unlimited walk talkie thing local area, which is most of the state(but don't know anyone that has nextel) for $32.95 a month, the phone itself was only $10.00. Atleast this way I have a phone if I break down & so I can make calls durring my lunch hour, cause their is not a phone at work that we can use. I guess I will be getting a work cell once I am trained, & we can use it for personal calls if we want, but we're charged .15 cents a minute & we have to keep a log of the personal calls... I just don't care to mix personal with busness. If it's an emergancy that's one thing, but I don't want work knowing where I call.

It looks like it's going to storm... So I better get off the computer & put my foot back up. I need to do laundry too, but don't feel like hobbling down stairs... Oh yeah I should pack too. Boy so much to do... But I think it's going to have to wait until I can make it down stairs or I will have to have DH help me.

Well it's thundering better get off.
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Home from first week on the new job... 05-28-2005 - 08:08 AM
I got home last night around 7:30pm... DH was napping cause he had gone into work early, so I laid by him until he fell back to sleep, then I went to relax on my own sofa & watch some tv. I dozed off around 9:30 pm & DH woke me up around 10:30pm & we went to the IHOP for pancakes.

My first week went good overall. The first day I was a bit dissappointed cause they did not have a phone spliter avaible so I just had to sit their & I could not listen in on any of the calls. Tuesday they got a splitter & put me on the computer. There computer system is so simular in comands to the system I had worked on so I kept getting confused. So when I left work on Tuesday I felt kind of lost. I was also feeling pretty home sick on Tuesday. Wednesday went better, I think cause I knew it was the middle of the week. I was able to do more on the computer on Wednesday, Thursday I did most of the computer work, with Ruth the lady who is training me telling me what to do. Friday I did not get on the computer for more then 30 mins cause it was nuts with the holiday trying to pre plan drivers so they had enough freight until Tuesday when we come in & trying to get drivers home for the holiday. So Ruth was on the computer all day & I just listened to the conversations & took notes. Sounds like Tuesday will be just as bad. Overall so far I think I am going to like the postion, although some of the drivers may find that I am not as much of a push over as Ruth is & have a bit high expections for them since I use to be a driver. But they new that I had high expectaions when they hired me of what I expected of the drivers.

Monday my pain was awful, the chair's there are so uncomfterble, & it puts my pelvis so it leans forward as if you were almost going to fall out of the chair. Tuesday Ruth showed me how to adjust the chair, that helped some but truely not enough. I took sleeping pills or tyonel pm each night to help me sleep or I never would of slept. Friday I fell... I was carrying stuff out to my car before I left my mom's that morning for work & my left leg seemed to give out on me. I had heals on and twisted my ankle. It took me about 10 mins before I was able to get up from the ground. I limped all day. I thought I just hurt my ankle but it seems that it's more my foot, about 2-3inches down from my toes on the left side into the middle I have constant pain. I can't put any weight on it so I have to walk on the right side of my foot. It's not really swollen so I don't know. I can move all my toes so I don't know... DH does not think I broke anything, but yet I wounder. The pain in my foot keept me up most of the night. Something just does not feel right.

Going to try to relax & take it easy today... Need to see about getting a cell phone for me so we are going to check that out today & DH needs to get some parts from the part store. We are planning on takeing a load of stuff to our new place tomorrow as long as it does not rain, so will have to pack some in the morning, but I told him I'm basicly not doing a thing today.

I've got lots of reading to do to catch up on everyone's journals... but for know... I think I am going to ice my foot again... Debating weather to call nurse dirrect.
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Had second nerve block today... 05-20-2005 - 10:51 PM
Kathy picked me up at 8 am and she took me to the PM doctor. We got their & they where running behind, I guess the over booked or something.... I did not get into the operating room (where the do the proceedure) until almost 930 am. DR. D did the proceedure since DR. A was off. The right side went well, but the left side caused him a headache & me alot of pain. I guess my bone sticks out more on that side & then my hip bone also kept getting in the way. He was really good about giving me more local when I felt pain. By the end I was not feeling anything in my left leg and most of my left side for that fact. I was pain free so I thought...

They had me roll to the hospital bed & took me back by Kathy who was curled up on a recliner with a pillow. The nurse hooked me up to the monituring machines & told me she would be back to check on me periodicly just to rest that they would be keeping me their for 90 mins this time. So I & Kathy both dozed as the time went by watching bits & peices of tv...

Around 11:30 the nurse came in and asked how I was feeling, I said pretty good no pain. She told me to get up & get dressed that I was free to go. Well as soon as I tried to lift my left leg pain instantly in the left groin. I screamed & moaned it hurt so bad. The nurse did not say anything. I put my jeans on & explained the pain to kathy & told her lets blow this popcicle stand I want to go home. As we where walking out the nurse stoped me & said you look like you are in an awful lot of pain. I said yeah I am. Well she said go home & take some tyeonal and rest. Kathy advised her that tyonel is not going to do a thing for my pain & asked her if the could give me some pain meds. And again I was told they couldn't. So I hobbled out of their & crawled into Kathy's care.

Every bump I felt on the way home. I new I needed to eat so I told Kathy to pull into DQ & I gave her some money to get us something to eat, we took it back to my place & she stayed with me until almost 230pm to make sure that I was okay.

Fustrating that I walk out in more pain in the groin then what I went in with... DH was fustrated as well when he got home. He know I was in pain, he told me just to lay back down & he would make dinner.

We are having a moving sale tomorrow & I wanted to get everything set up in the garauge tonight, but DH went to bed early cause he was tired & he said he would help me with it tomorrow. I am glad he is going to be here to help me with the sale. Originally I was going to open it when I got home from the pm doc, but I new that I would not be able to.

I hope we get rid of everything. I can really use the extra cash right now and I don't want to move all the extra stuff we are not using.

I just noticed my hand are so swollen right know. I wounder if it is from the nerve block as they put 2 1/2 bages of fluid stuff in me prior to the block and about 1/2 afterwords.

Well I think I am going to try to get some rest, 5 am will come early it always does.
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Found someone to take me! 05-19-2005 - 10:56 AM
I was able to get a hold of the couple that we off road with and Kathy is out of work right know & she said she would take me. I said I would pay for her gas & give her $20 since I also know money is tight for her as well right know & I really, really appreciate her doing this.

I feel for her she is having problems with endo and the doctors around here are giving her the run a round. She said Monday the pain was so bad her fiance took her to the er... The did an ultra sound & her left ovary was the size of a grapefruit. I know she has been dealing with all this since she was about 16... She is 20. She has already had one lap. The doctors right know what to use the well lets wait & see approach. She said she is having problems with peeing & going number 2. I told her that she needs to see someone else. She does not have any insurance & no one really wants to help her. Same problem I had at her age. She said her grandmother is helping her right know by helping with rent & food & that she said she would also help with the cost for another lap if it would help her. I told her she needs to get back in & see a doctor that will help her. She said that next week if things aren't any better that she is going to go back to her old doctor 150 miles away where she lived before cause she knows he will do the lap. My heart goes out to her since her fiance is not totally understanding about the pain of endo. He understands but yet doesn't... That's the same way DH was the first 3-4 years we were together also.

I told her that I would have DH talk to him. It's not fair the pressures he is putting on her right know. I swear no one knows the effects of endo unless they go through it themselfs... I really hate how others judge a person, like there is nothing wrong with them & they are lazy. I pray that Kathy finds the right doctor & the treatment to help her with her pain & alow her to have children. She has seen what I have gone through & she said she fears she is going to be like me & not be able to have children.

Her fiance asked her if she wanted to get married asap so she could get health insurance, she says she does not know if she should because when he told him mom she said she was just marrying him for the insurance, which is not true, they have been a couple for 3 yrs. I told her if they want to get married because they love each other & want to spend the rest of their lifes together do it, don't let someone tell you how to run your life. He fiance truelly does care, he tries to go to appointments with her when he can, he just does not understand who much pain endo can cause & the effects of endo.
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The past two weeks have been flying by... 05-18-2005 - 10:22 PM
It's hard to believe that tomorrow will be two weeks since I accepted my new job and gave my notice to my employer. So much has happened in the past two weeks. I have been busy trying to start packing have only backed about 10 boxes so far but I have also been getting things ready for a rummage sale. I plan on having that friday afternoon & all day saturday. I sure hope to make some extra $ for bills & things for the new house.

I have an interview with the unemployment office tomorrow afternoon to see if I am elgible to receive unemployment for the past two weeks. Everyone I have talked to seems to think that I should be able to, even the HR person from where I use to work. So that should really help alot if I can get that. Money is tight right now. I know I could of started my new job two weeks ago, but I really needed some down time. This is the first time in my life since I was about 19 that I have had two weeks off straight besides for surgery.

I went back to the pain specialist on Monday, they want to do another nerve block on Friday... I really would like to have this done, but DH does not want to leave work since he will hit over time starting tomorrow afternoon. He should get about 15 hours of over time this week. I told him then I would cancel, and we would have to wait to see when & if I would be able to return to them with the new job ect... He does not want me to cancel, but we really don't have anyone that can take me since my dad works fridays, my mom has to work & she can hardly drive since she just had surgery 2 weeks ago, her arm is still in a sling.... I don't have any family around the area, and every person that we know has two work except for possible two & I feel really funny calling them.... One is a person we go off roading with, they have came to our house a few times for dinner, but we don't talk a hole lot, last time we saw them was in January, and I don't know how reliable she is, we have invited her for other things candle party's ect & she never makes them if they are before noon & my appointment is for 9 am. The second person I have not talked to in over a year or more... She was one of my husbands wifes, we use to hang out alot, but then her & her husband got divorced & I have not heard from her since... DH just found out she still lives in the area. I just feel funny calling these people. I wish they would just let me drive my self home, it's not like they really give me anything that makes me incoharent. DH said just tell them I am waiting in the car, but I don't know if they would go for that...
It's not like I can get a taxi either cause it's over an hour drive one way.

I have been having alot of problems sleeping, I am not sure what to do. It seems like I can stay awake for over 24 hours & sleep an hour or two & do it all over. I feel tired but just cant sleep... Dh has been making me take sleeping pills to try to rest, but then I feel like SH*T when I wake up. He said he is conserned how i just don't sleep anymore. I think part of it is from the pain & not being able to get comfterble. He is also freeked out cause my hair has been falling out in clumps... I can run my hands through my hair about 4-5x end up with a handfull of hair. My hair has always shed, my parents use to yell at me as a child & say I was not taking care of my hair and cut my hair short & then I grew it out again in high school & my hair continued to shed, so my step mom would make me wash my cloths separt from theirs cause she did not want my hair on her cloths. I am a fraid some day I am going to be bald... Scarry cause I am only 27. I have mentioned it to the doctor in the past & they just blow me off. My hair as a child has always been thick, but it is getting thinner & thinner. I use to have to have it thinned when I went to get my hair cut not the past year or so.

My incision is also giving me an issue again... DH cleaned it yesterday morning & had to put a bandage back on, he said it looks like it cracked. It hurt like H*ll when he cleaned it. It has been sore ever since. I had not had any pain with the incision in a long time prior to this. Dh is still afraid to have sex with me fears that I will split open, says he does not want to hurt me.... It's been about 8 months... I joke with him i think I forgot how.

I am going to miss you all next week... My mom does not have a computer so I will only be able to come on when I drive back on Friday after work. I am going to stay with my mom for the next 3 weeks and then we will be moving out to the farm... House is not done, but we are going get the well in so we can shower in the camper & sleep in the house & work on it in the evenings & weekends... DH thinks we should be able to have it comfterble with in about a month & finished the way we would like by late fall, although we may not beable to side it until spring. It's going to be hard to only long on durring the weekends for the next few weeks & then I don't know how long it will be before we hook up the computer at the new place, It may not be until July until we have the joints taped. But I promise I will log on as much as I can, maybe even try to go to dad's to use his computer. I am really going to miss my journal. It has helped me so much, I would not of been able to get by the past 6 months with out it & all of you. Thank you!
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DH's work is making me mad... 05-13-2005 - 10:36 AM
The land lord just bought the an older women through the our duplex. I don't think she seemed very intersted. I was hoping he would be able to rent it to the first person that looked at it. I got the impression that she wants a bigger yard. Oh well I guess it's not for me to be conserned about.

I got 4 hours of sleep last night yeah!!! DH got up at 5 am and I got up with him and started working on the house. Our bedroom was trashed, mainly cloths everyware as I have been going through the winter stuff & packing it up and bringing up the spring & summer cloths. (wounder why as we had snow flurry's yesterday). But I got the bedroom all picked up just as the land lord called and asked if they could come earlier.

DH is really down in the dumps right know. Problems at work... He is so sick of the way things are going and the owner of the company rarely comes up & DH's boss is such a suck up I & good talker I swear he could sell someone ocean front property in wisconsin.

About two weeks ago DH typed an email to the owner of the company to let him know his conserns & that Tom his boss was not doing anything about the issues going on and DH is conserned about the future of the company. DH explained to him how they are breaking many DOT rules and regulations with the drivers, drivers are not filling out log books correctly, running over hours, equipment is not being fixed, ect... Also he is conserend about the customers he delivers to not getting the freight they ordered as it is not uncommon for the guys in the ware house to ship the worng product over & over again. DH said he has had it many times where customers will order 50 brown item& they will only ship 5 tan. So the customer will refuse the order and next time they will ship 50 tan, customer refuses again it's a never ending cycle he has been hear for 5 yrs and it's not getting any better. A few weeks ago I road with him and one of the guys was not paying attention to how he was taking freight off DH's truck and he made a pretty big hole in the tarps of the tralior. Dh said not to say anything to tom but I did cause other wise they try to blame DH for it. Tom went out into the warehouse to see the hole. I told him infront of the guy that did it that he should have to repair it. Tom's like no that's the drivers responsiblity, it's his tralior. Ugh... That's the problem he does not put any responsiblity on the guys in the warehouse. If they ship the wrong product it's like no big deal they will get it right some time. Dh as seen them loose many customers. Also Tom does not care if his employee's don't call in, or punch out 10 mins befor there shift is over & tell the driver he got back to late there shift ends at 5 and it's 10 mins two. That the driver has to load their own freight after putting in as much 12-14 hours. While they have only worked 8. Ugh... I could go on.

Well the owner of the company pretty much blew him off and told him he needs to be more of a team player. I myself have witnessed the saftey & dot issues, but right know we can't afford for DH to leave his job & I know in a way he doesn't want to leave as he really has a good relationship with his customers. I told him once we move & we are in our new home, which will more thenl likely be fall I want him to leave. But I also told him that I don't want him to do anything illegal and if they try to make him as they have other drivers (threatened insubornation) He is to blow the whistle & call the DOT or I will.

It really gets me how some people are so blind. Neither the owner or DH's boss knows anything about the DOT rules or regulations. If the DOT got in their they would have a feild day and more then likely put them on probation. They really need to get someone in the company that knows about operations. Yeah Tom is a good smooth talker & good with numbers, but that is not going to help him if they get introuble with the DOT.

I wish I knew how to Cheer DH up. I have even thought about calling the owner of the company myself. It really bothers me that he said DH is not a team player. DH has busted his butt to help everyone around their. He helps the other drivers when they have questions. The new driver who took over his route called him 3x yesterday with questions. On Tuesday DH stayed late 45 mins to help teach the new guy in the warehouse how to load his truck since the other warehouse guys where too busy with a smoke brake and then left at 5 pm while DH was still helping the new guy.

My parents dad & step mom chewed DH out for writting a letter to the owner. They say he is going to get himself fired. It bothers me that my parents yelled at him for standing up for his saftey.

I need to try to calm down all this stuff & things going on with my old employer really has me in a up roar. I am so stressed. I am sure it's not helping my pain either.
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another day... a new understanding.... 05-12-2005 - 09:15 PM
The past two days I have spent riding with my DH... He is a local truck driver and I enjoy getting the chance to spend time with him and see the sights. I have gotten the chance to see some beutiful country side of Wisconsin the past two days. Lots of streams, rolling pastures filled with cows grazing in the meadows, spring flowers, waterfalls, farmers planting, and all the wounderfull signs of spring, tulips and lielocks. I love spring.

Normally I get out of the truck and speak with DH's customers and help him with his straps, but today the pain was just too much I could not handle getting in & out of the truck, and it was cold and snowy. I think I scared DH a cople of times today as I the pain struck bad a few times and I moaned and tried to hold back the tears from the intense pain. After the 3rd or 4th episode he asked me if this happends at work, I said yeah sometimes.

I called the Pm doctor back to let them know the steroid wore off. The nurse said well you see the doctor on Monday, it will be up to him and Amy his wife they practise together as PM doctors if they want to do another block. I explained that I start my new job on Monday the 23rd and can't see how I am going to start if I am like this, and that I need to do something before then. She said well you have have to wait until monday to speak with the doctor, and if they want to do another block they can try to squeese you in before you start your new job, but they may want to wait a bit longer inbetween blocks. Sigh...

I know I should not say this and please no one take this the wrong way, I am not going to do anything stupid, but I truely understand why people take drastic mesures to deal with the pain. Expecially when one trys so hard to work with the doctors to control the pain and they will not help... I know I need to be patient, but I wish there was something I could do or take to help control the pain so that I can atleast function and SLEEP!!!

My body is being all weirod... I did not notice it at all last night, but Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday & Tuesday night I had night sweats. I woke up shivering and my blanket was wet as well as my pj's. Wounder if it would have anything to do with the steroid injection... Only thing that I can think of that has been diffrent. My hair is also falling out. I have tried to tell the doctors this for the past few years and they just blow me off cause my hair is thick but it falls out in hand fulls at times and today was one of them. I was watching tv and in 30 mins of just running my hads through my hair I had two huge hand fulls of hair. I showed DH & he's like oh my hunny don't do that your going to go bald. My parents have complained since I was a teen about my hair being everywhere. I fear some day that I will be bald. My hair is getting thinner & thinner. It use to be really really thick even my hair stylest has noticed. My feet seem to be cold or numb. They always use to be hot and I could not stand to sleep with socks on, now I sometimes sleep with two pair. I have also noticed that my hands seem to go tingly and so do my legs at times.

My mom also told me something rather intersting this week. She went to a 50th wedding anv party on Saturday and was talking with one of her cosions and found out that lupus does run in our family. My mom's grandmother had lupus and so did one of my mom's aunts. My mom wants me to follow up with another doctor if I don't start feeling better and stop running fevers all the time.

Well I should try to get some sleep as our land lord is bring someone by to see the place tomorrow and I need to get our room cleaned up and some other house work done first thing in the am before they come. DH is getting up at 5 am for work & I told him to wake me so I can get the house picked up. I feel bad cause I should scrub the floors, but with my incision yet Dh does not want me to go on my hands and knees yet to clean it. He says it looks fine and not to worry cause we do live here & are trying to pack for our move so our house is not as tity as I would like it to be.

Sweet dreams all, I hope I find them tonight.
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Pain is back... 05-11-2005 - 07:02 PM
Ugh... the pain is back full force. I could just scream. The steroid only worked for a short time as they said it may. I had pain relief that started on Sunday mid day and ended Tuesday morning, but the end of the day Tuesday I could hardly walk again. The pain was so kind enough to allow me to sleep about a whole 3 hours.

I also thought my incision was completely closed, DH looked at it this morning and advised me it's still open. Ugh...

I guess it is a blessing in disguise what happened with work. I really am glad I am not working right know, don't know if I could handle it. I have been in agony all day. I filed for unemployment but will not find out until I have an interview with them on the 19th wether or not I will receive. Yes it's going to be tight very tight if I don't but DH understand too know that I need this time to try to heal and get things ready around here. I am going to try to do a rummage sale next week Friday and Saturday. One to get rid of things we don't need & two for extra money.

I see the PM doctor again on Monday for a follow up from the nerve block, but I am going to call them back tomorrow to let them know this one wore off & to see if it's possible to get another one before I start my new job. I need to be feeling better by the 23rd when I start.

Well American Idol is on & DH is threating to change the chanell if I don't get my butt back on the sofa.
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Trying to take it in... 05-06-2005 - 01:15 AM
I had my nerve block on Wednesday morning. I seemed to have pain releif until around 2 am Thursday Morning. But the doctor said that the steroid would not kick in until 3-4 days so I guess it is still too early to tell if I am going to receive much releif from the treatment. I am to call them next Wednesday to let them know how I am doing & I am to go back on the 16th for a follow up appointment. Right know I can't sleep because the pain has woken me up. Plus I am under stress right know which I don't think is helping me.

I have some good news I got my dream job. I have been hired as a freight operations manager. I will be managing 45 drivers. This position will be about a 25 % increas in pay for me. I just found out yesterday that I got the postion at 3:45 pm. I am excited and so post to start May 23.

I went to my manager at 4:15 pm to give her my two weeks notice as she had asked that I give when I leave the company, which I had planned to as after working for a company for almost 4 yrs I want to leave on good terms. Well She congradulated me and then advised me that she would have to have me resign today as I was going to work for a competiter. I asked if I could atleast finish out my shift as I worked until 6:30 and was informed that I could not. She handed me a box & had the team coordinator stand over me while I packed up my desk. Sad... Then I was escorted out by my team manager holding a box, which makes it look like I was fired. I was told my my manger that this is not to make me look bad, but just a company policey & that I will be eligible for rehire.

I know I should be ticked pink about my new job, but I know find my self stressing about money for the next two weeks. As I am to go back to the doctor on the 16th so it would make it hard for me pick up and really start my new job any earlier even though they would be more then happy to have me start monday.

I guess I am just hurt and sadden by my old company as I have been truelly dedicated to them the past 4 yrs. My 4 yr anivarsery would of been Saturday May 14th. I would of received two weeks paid vacation which I could of cashed out had they allowed me to finish my time with the company. So really I have been shorted out over a moths pay.

DH and my mom both have told me to call the unemployment service to see if I can file for unemployment for the next two weeks. As I can't afford to not have any pay coming in for the next two weeks. Dh also feels it was not right as my role that I was doing had nothing to do with my new role, and he finds that it really bennifeted the company as they did not have to pay me for my vacccation.

So I am just stressing about money and weather or not I am going to be able to keep my appointment with the pain management doctor on the 16th and even if I will be able to continue treatment with them as I will know be living almost 3 hours away.

So it looks as I may have to try to cope with this pain in some sort of ulternitve way until my new insurance would start for me to see a doctor in our new area, which is two months after my date of hire. Can I make it two months with this awful pain? I am going to have too, I guess if it gets too bad I go to the Er.

We have DH's insurance just that they don't have any providers in the area we are moving too. Kind of bites, I am going to try talking to his boss to see if they could get coverage in that area. As we truelly do like his insurance.

I called my mom to let her know the news. She was very happy for me. So was her boyfriend, my future step dad. My mom said she knew i could do it. She told me that I can stay with her for about 2-3 weeks until we can get other arrangments made and this will give me a chance to get some money in as well. I told her that I would help her out by helping with the food, cooking, cleaning & yard work as she can't really do it because of her shoulder surgery on Monday. I feel bad imposing on her but things are not quit happening as we had planned & she understands.

I called my dad too to tell him. I was kind of hurt because he did not even say congradulations. I don't think my dad thought I would get this job. I don't think he felt I was qualified. He has always been one to doubt my abilities. He has told my mom on many occasions that she would never amount to anything. He also told me this when I left the house when I was 18. Well even though I never went to college I have learned my knowledge by doing my work hands on & working hard & not being affraid to overcome obsticales. I guess I just for once in my life wanted my dad to be proud of me. He just has a habbit of trying to make people feel dumb. Always has, DH did not believe me about this until last weekend when he & my dad got into it. Dh says it does not matter what my dad says and I know it doesn't but I just wanted him to be proud of me & happy for me.

So right know I am a mixed bag of emotions. Happy, sad, mad, fustrated, hurt, excited, scared, hopefull and hurting.
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What a day... 05-02-2005 - 08:06 PM
I only got two hours of sleep last night or should I say this morning. I ended up going back to bed around 2:30 to lay by DH. He got up and got me the ice pack and held it where the pain was until I fell asleep. Which he said was round 3:30 am. When the alarm went off at 5:30 I just wanted to cry as the pain was there full blown & It hurt bad to walk. Dh told me I shoud call into work, but I said I can't I don't have any more days left got to go walking or crawling.

The pain was so bad I called DH crying at one point. I was just misserble. It really gets me how my doctors just don't care.

DH had his oral surgery today. He seems to be doing okay & is sleeping right now. My mom had her shoulder surgery today & is also at home resting. My granmother took a bad fall today. She was walking with her walker & tried to grab something & fell over backwards & hit her head she know has 4 staples in her head.

When I took DH to get his script for pain pills he thought that maybe if we tried the icy hot stuff it would help with my pain, so I picked up a box of those things that are like a ice pad by icy hot and some of the cream. The ice pad that sticks to the body seemed to help. For about 2-3 hours & then the pain was back full force. So I tried putting on some of the cream about 20 mins ago. It was so hot I felt like I was going to blister. I ran in the bathroom as fast as I could to try to wash it off w/soap & water. The area is all red now. It has changed for hot to cold, but is not helping with the pain. I want to try to safe the other ice pack for work.

My interview saturday went very well. They are looking for someone that has either been a driver or a dispatcher in the past & has office skills. Well I have been both! They gave me a computer test which was like a really simulation of what the freight opperations managers do and I did really well the highests score one could get was 5000 & I got 3666, which he said is above normal for most of the people he has given the test too. He asked me if I was up to the challange of this postion and I told him I was. He told me he has his last interview thursday afternoon & would like for me to call him at 3:30 pm. So I think it sounds very promising. I really want this job! I so hope I get it.

After the interview I went to my mom's & we went for an early mothers day lunch & then went to the cemitarys to take flowers to my step dad & my sister. We then went to visit my grandmother & from there we went to my aunt & uncles house. I ended up playing crazzy kid games with my two cosions who are 12 & 10. But I had a blast. I really love those two girls like sisters. I baby sat for them a lot when I lived at home. It was nice to spend some one on one with them as I haven't done this in about 5 yrs. The girls where so happy when they found out we were moving down to the area this summer. They both asked if they could come & stay with I and DH some times & I said sure!

I just can't express how much I enjoy spending time with them. We ended up staying at there house for about 6 hours as the girls instested I watch meet the faukers with them. My aunt & cosions tried to get me to sleep over as well, but I did not have any of my stuff with me. It is just neat because there mom, my aunt was very close to me when I was there age. We had a special bond like I do with her daughters.

Well DH just woke up so I am going to check on him & try to call it a night and get some sleep. I tell ya last night I almost told DH that's it take me to the er!
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Pain, Pain please go away! 05-01-2005 - 11:34 PM
I can't seem to get comfterble right know. The pain in my groin area is so bad. I have tossed & turned in bed since 10 pm. I figuered no since keeping DH awake so I got up and try to lay on the sofa. Still I can't get comfterble. Today is going to be along day it is the first of my 10 hour days.

This pain is really starting to play a toal on my sleep. Friday night I only slept about 2 1/2 hours. same problem. i just don't know what to do to try to help the pain. Tyeonel does not seem to help, I have tried ice & it did not help & I don't want to try heat sence my blister from the heating pad prior to my surgery is still not healed yet.

I am at my witts end with this pain. I hope tis nerve block provides some reif on Wednesday because if it doesn't I don't know what I am going to do.

The reason I am hesitant about going back to my GP is because I know that there is a really good chance I am going to be moving in the next few weeks & I would not be able to get up here for regular appointments. I have off next monday & if it's not any better I guess I will be going on in to see him.

I just wish the paini man doc would of gave me something to help. Cause right know my pain is not being managed. IF I knew what nerves it where that where causing all this pain I swear I would go & cut them. I kow thta sounds drastic but I am really uncomfterble.

(I will up date on my intervew & my Saturday with my little cosins latter) Put just to let you all know my inteveiw went very well I flent. I will find out for sure on Thursday.

I am going to go back & try to lay down. As time stops fpr no one.
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Ahhh... Thankfully Friday!!! 04-29-2005 - 10:19 PM
We were nuts today at work. There where 10 people off, 2 people went home sick, and 5 people off the floor for a special project. That left about 10 of us to awnser the phones. It was a zoo. I have seen it busyer, but most of the ones on the phones today hadn't since they are all fairly new. It was just one phone call after another today with most of the day 4-5 calls in que. There where a few breaks where there was no calls in que, one just has to use there time wisely and not chit chat with there neighbors so much & they can get there work done. As they say when the cat is away the mice will play. Our manager was off today. Overall I was able to get about 95 % of my work done where most of my teammates where lucky if they could get 50% done. I am glad I will not be there when surge hits hopefully cause these girls are going to drowned if they think this is bad, just wait until they are holding 2 lines & the board is beeping & there is 20 calls in que. Ah... Memories... LoL...

I thought I broke the computer... I came home from work & tried to get on line & I was having problems with the left clicker on my mouse. I just assumed it was some sort of virus. So I started doing everything I possible know how to do to get rid of a virus and was getting very angry with the computer. Well DH comes up to the computer & says I bet it is the mouse. I said no I don't thinks so. Well he has me go down stairs & grab the spare mouse & he hooks it up and sure enough it was the mouse. It took him less then 5 mins to figure out what was wrong & I spent about 4 hours of fustration trying to figure it out. Gee wiz...

I know I should be heading to bed as tomorrow is my interview, but I am not tired, just nervouse. I cant figure out what to wear for a Saturday interview. I don't want to dress too formal but yet I don't want to dress to cassual as well as I am applying for a manger postion. So right know I am washing all my good cloths so I can try to find something that I want to wear in the moring. ( I had to re wash them after DH washed them all and left them in a basket to majorly rinkle). I figure we will have to leave here by 6:15 am so I can drop DH off at our Farm by 8:30 am and leave the farm by 9:00 am so I should arive for my interview at 9:45 am.

I told DH tonight that I don't think he should do laundry anymore... I bought myself two nice wool sweaters this past winter so that I would have something warm to wear at work as it is always cold in there. Well he disided he would wash them for me, well he put them in the dryer... Needles to say they shrunk pretty bad. One worce then the other. I was not too happy with his laundry skills. I don't think my nice new bras and underware should be washed with his dingy work cloths. I know he means well, but yet he knows better as well. I just think he did not take the time & care.

So I cleaned the kitchen tonight & did about 5 loads of laundry. I am hurting on the left side the nerve is really acting up. I hope DH will not give me a big run around if I ask him to drive on the way down tomorrow.

Please keep me in your thoughts tomorrow as I really need to find a job in that location as we are moving in less then 2 months house ready or not (dh said last night if we have to we will rent until fall in that area, not to happy about renting as he said it would just be something very basic and if we could not have pets that we would leave dakota at the farm & come there daily to see her. I don't know that I can leave her there like that as she has never spent more then 24 hours away from us she would go nuts). So right now I basicly need to find a job so that we can go to the bank and borrow the rest of the money to finish up our house.

Overall the location of this job would be almost perfect as it is about 30-45 mins from our new place.

Well my dry just went off so I better go hang up DH's jeans so they are not wrinkled as I don't like wrinkles & better get to bed 5 am will come fast enought.

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Not sure why but I feel blue... 04-28-2005 - 05:43 PM
I don't know why I feel depressed today but I am. I have that feeling in the bottom of my stumach that you get when something bad is going to happen. I don't know if it's because I have a lot on my plate right now or what.

DH is having his oral surgery Monday... I have arranged with my boss to take a late lunch & pick him up from the dr office. DH is going to drive his self there & we will pick up his vehicle on Tuesday after I finish work. I called the dr office yesterday to find out how long his procedure will be & he has to arrive at 1:30, they are going to start at 1:45 & they said he will be ready to leave by 2:15pm or 2:30pm at the latest. I told the women that I would be leaving work at 2:30 pm to pick him up and bring him home. She kind of gave me a hard time about not being there the hole time. Dh had spoken to her earlier & told her & she was okay with it then. I don't know. I am really surpised it is only going to take about 30 mins to pull one tooth & remove the chips of the 7 other teeth. The dentist had told him last week that they would have to peel back a lot of his gums. Just suprises me how they can do this so fast and are going to kick him out of there in less then an hour.

Tuesday my mom is having shoulder surgery for a torn rotater cuff & a bone spure. So it sounds like she will be in the hospital over night. She said they told her this is a very painfull surgery and that she is going to be in a lot of pain. She is expecting to be off of work 8 weeks & then returning back only on light duty.

Wednesday is the day of my nerve block. I don't know why but thinking about it kind of makes me sick to my stumach. I had not really thought about it much until I saw the wound specialist today and she asked me if I was scared about all the stuff that is going on. I told her no, I am just fustrated with the pain. She asked me how my pain felt and where I was feeling it & she agreed that it does sound like nerve pain. I guess for me I just don't know what to expect and will the pain be worce if it does not work or wonce it wares off since she will be "playing" in an area that causes me a lot of pain. I know she will not give me anything for the pain so this all kind of scares me I guess because I am afraid what if it makes it worce or the pain come's back more ferous then it is now.... Also my dad asked last night what if she hits the wrong nerve or misses? Something I never even thought about.

I will also be starting my 10 hour days next week. Monday & Tuesday 10 hours off wednesday then Thursday & Friday 10 hours. She has just given me Wednesday off since I have my nerve appointment other wise I will be off Mondays & work Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday 10 hours... 0730 am to 0630 pm. I hope & pray I can do the 10 hours... I will get an hour lunch break at 1:30.

I have another interview on Saturday... For a Fleet Operations Manager. It is the same place that I applied for as a Recruiter. They have desided not to fill the Recruiter role at this time & the manager for that department gave my resume to the operations department since I have experance in Operations. I think I would really enjoy being a fleet manger. I kind of miss working in operations. I enjoy the one on one contact & relationship that I get to form with the drivers. So I am excited about the interview.

One thing that my dad did to DH last night which my dad thought was funny is still bothering me. My dad called last night and asked to speak with DH and DH asked him if he could come down on Monday to help out & my dad said he did not know because my step mom was in St. Point for a few days because they were getting a divorce. DH's face went white and he handed the phone to me & said your dad has something to tell you. I asked my dad what was wrong... He said nothing, I said dad, DH's face is white what did you say to him. He starts laughing and says nothing. I said dad what is so funny. He said oh, I just told Steve that Donna & I are getting a divorce & she is staying in Point. I said dad not so funny. He said you know I am just joking. But It kind of bothers me that he joked about something like that because they have been married since I was 3 and my step mom is like a mom to me. And she has confessed to me that sometimes my dad really gets to her because he is so picky. I don't blame her for being upset with that, as he has been building there new house for the past 9 yrs and they still are not in it because my dad insists on doing it all his self and it has to be 101 % perfect and done his way. I know she is getting furstrated with living in moble home that is falling appart when she can look out the window and see her new house but can't live in it yet because it's not eve dry walled. My dad says he will finish it before the upcoming winter but I know & she knows it will not happen. I have even offered to come over and help my dad, but he says no cause he has to do it his self. I think the thing that worries me sometimes that by the time the house is finished he will be dead. I hate to say it, but if he was building a church all the parisheners would be dead before they got to see the inside. So I know my step mom is very irrated with him, and I just freaked me that my dad would say what he did. So I guess that's bothering me too. I guess my step mom is at my dad's mom's helping her with a rummage sale because all of her wounderfull daughters desided to drop a bunch of stuff off at her house & said she should have a rumage sale since she has a great location. They did not even help her set up. My grandmother is 78 yrs old & never had a rumage sale in her life so my step mom took off of work to help her. I am glad because I hate to say it but my grandma is so honest that she could easly be taken advantage of.

I am also a bit irrated at DH... Last week saturday I woke up to I want to by this trl. I know he has wanted to by a trl to pull behind his truck for a long time & I Know it will be helpfull when moving & I know he can also use it for work & make money with it, but I really hated clearing out our savings for it.

It was a good by and I know I could not of said no or I would of never heard the end of it. It's just know we are a bit strapped. I had to order my contacts and he has to pay $300 on monday for his oral surgery. And we both have bills to pay. He said he will put $200 of the surgery on the credit card & he will need a $100 from me. I just don't like him putting it on the credit card. I have no problem giving him a $100 from my check, but I can't give him any more then that. I guess it just bothers me how he knows we have a house to finish & bills to pay & are trying to save money & he spends his money on his wants not his needs. I have been trying very hard for the past 4 months to save as much as I can & even paid for his glasses and he has not put a thing into savings, just got us a trl with the money. So now we don't have anything in savings for an enmergancy. Oh boy did that feel good to get that out. It has been really eating at me all week.

He wanted to go borrow money from the bank to pay back our savings, but it would mean a higher interest rate on his current loan & I said no. You just have to help me build it back up. But I think it is going to be a while before he will be able to help me. I just did not want him to borrow anymore money from the bank because as it stands we are going to have to borrow about $15,000 from the bank for our septic system & to finish the house. I dont think we should have any problems doing so as we have a lot of equaty in our property and once we move we will not have to make two house payments like we are now.

Men sometimes they just don't think... They think they must have... I just wish he would of waited a bit longer on this.

sigh...
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A PM doctor that does not give Meds... 04-25-2005 - 04:17 PM
All right after another bad night I broke down & called my PM doctor thinking that they would be able to give me something to help with the pain so that I can atleast sleep. This few hours I have been getting the past 5 days are not enough for me to consintrate very well & is making this bird an not so happy person to be around.

I called my PM doctor and was told it was against their policy to give me anything. They don't & will not call in meds in or fax in meds in or will not even precribe any if I go down to there office which is an hour drive. I asked what I should do & they looked on my chart and said I see you where prescribed tyenol 3 w/codine in take that. I told her 1, I don't have anymore left (script was for 30 & was filled about a 7 weeks ago) & second I used the remaider of that up on Tuesday & Wednesday and it did not even touch the pain. They advised me to call my wound specialist (who prescribed the tyenol 3 for my incisional pain - which I now rarely have) to see if she would give me more tyenol 3 (which does not make since because the would specialist is not treating me for my nerve problem the PM doctor is). Or I was told to call my family doctor and ask them.

So I called my family doctor. They did not understand why the pm doctor told me to call them. They thought that they sent me to the pm doctor to help with my pain. I said the pm doctor said it is agenst there policy to perscribe pain meds. The nurse said she would talk with the doctor & call me back. WHen she called me back the doctor said fine, that he would give me tyenol 3 but that I would have to sign paper work that no other doctor could give me pain meds or any meds & that he would take care of managing my pain which she said would also mean no nerve block that the GP would treat my pain.

I don't know what to do. I called the PM doctor back again letting them know that my GP sent me hear for pain control, ect. And that he does not understand why they will not help. She said that it is policy. So here I sit. She said they would give me an anti inflamitory, but I can't take them because of my barret's esphogus. The pm nurse said that I would just have to deal with it & to put heat & ice on the area.

I am just so razzled & frazzeld right know. It's not like I make a habbit of asking for pain meds to help with the pain. This is the first time since since Oct. that I have asked for medication for my nerve entrapment. I have had doctors offer some to me but I told them that I did not need it.

I just don't see asking the wound specialist to give me pain meds for something that is not related to what she is treating. To me that seems wrong. To me I should be asking the doctor that is treating me for this problem.
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Pain, Sleeping & trying to function... 04-24-2005 - 08:20 PM
The first word out of DH's mouth this morning when he woke up at 4:30 am was don't you sleep anymore... I have been having a lot of problems sleeping because of the pain.

Friday night I tried to sleep in bed, but could not get comfterble so I came out on the sofa & fell as sleep around 11:30. I was awaken by pain around 2:30 and was pretty much up on an off most of the night until around 6:30 am. Then I fell back to sleep and DH woke me up at 7:30 am.

Saturday night I fell asleep around 12 am & was waken by pain again around 3 am. Fell back to sleep after DH left to go to a swap meet with a friend around 7 am & sleeped until 9:30 am.

The pain has been bad since Tuesday. I have been trying to cope, but I am going to have to break down tomorrow & call the PM doctor to see if she can give me anything to help until next week when I have the nerve block.

I hope I can sleep tonight. I tried to take it easy to day & rest. I hope the nerve block will provide some sort of releaf for the pain.
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Response... 04-24-2005 - 08:12 PM
The only reason I was considering taking FMLA leave was because I had used up all my personal time & vaccation time for doctors appoinments since I have returned to work do to all that has been going on w/my body.

The company I work for normally terminates employment if you use up all your time. My manager had advised me of this last year when I was very close to using up my time prior to my surgery.

I have observed others go over & get the manger to allow them to take the time unpaid, but my manger has always been stricked on this rule.

I was in fear of loosing my job that is the only reason I questioned if I could take FMLA.

After speaking dirrectly with my manager she has agreed to let me take off for my nerve block with out pay. She did ask since my appointment was first thing in the morning if I would be returning. I advised her that I was going to be sadated for this procedure put if she insisted I would return. (mind you my job includes making company desisions on hiring people) After some thought she felt it would be best for me to be off the remainder of the day.

We are working on a plan right now to try to set my schedule as 4 - 10hr days so that I can make the appointments I need to make as currently I am seeing 4 diffrent doctors right now who are all working together to try to help me.

I do not want to abuse the system or the FMLA... If need be I would of gone with out the nerve block for the wellbeing of my company & my job. I was not trying to threaten my company but work with in company policeys to acheive care for my self.
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Friday... 04-22-2005 - 07:59 PM
After I journaled last night DH & I got into it... He asked me how my day was at work & I told him I was just trying to relax that I am really stressed out right know about everything. He asked me to explain. So I did... I told him that I am not sure how I am going to get my nerve blocks, make up coming appointments, take him for his appointment for his dental surgery, ect... As I don't have any vaccation time or flex time left, infact I went over my 30 mins. I told him that I was woundering if I could FMLA... He flipped out.

I told him that I knew my mom & aunt both had taken FMLA a few times as a day here & there to help my grandmother out last year when she had her surgery. He said that there is no way my employer would allow that & I was asking to be fired by asking for FMLA in thoose terms. I asked him what am I to do?

He said I don't know, but your asking to be termed. I said no I am not. I just don't know what to do anymore. He basicly told me to cancel the nerve block until I get vaccation which would only push it out about an extra 2 weeks, but as it stands now I am in pain.

Well this morning he told me to talk to my boss about changing my scheduale so that I either can have on day off a week and work 4 10's or set it up where I have two days where I would come in late so that I could do appointments.

All day long I have feared talking with my boss. Finnally after lunch I broke down and spoke with her. I was afraid I was going to be in trouble for the 30 mins. She said it was okay. She also agreed that I need to have the nerve block done as she says she can tell that some days I am in a lot of pain by how I walk. She told me she would allow me to take that day off w/o pay.

She is also going to see if she can change my schedule so that I would work 4 10's and have off Saturday, Sunday & Monday. She said she would let me know by the end of next week. So I hope we can arrange something that meets both of our needs and the teams needs. I wish DH would let me go part time until we move the end of June, but he won't. It would make things so much easier on me if I could cut my hours even down to 35.

I had kind of a ruff past few days since I have been not sleeping well. Today I was burning up all day and this evening the pain is bad in my lower left groin area. I was happy tonight when DH said he thinks we should just stay home this weekend instead of going to the farm. There is a chance for snow tonight & it is so post to be cool & windy all weekend. I think I can use a weekend of staying home. I have not gone to the store in two weeks to get food & we are out of all the basic items. I told DH tomorrow he has to go shopping with me like it or not.

I hope I am able to get a good night sleep. I am going to try to stay a wake until 11pm, cause DH forgot he could not eat before his antibotic & ate something & has to wait until 11pm to take it. He just fell asleep.
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Stressing out! Wondering if I can take FMLA 04-21-2005 - 04:28 PM
I know I need to try to relax, but I can't. I have been stressed out the past 24 hours. I talked with one of my coworker's / friend at work today about why I was stressing out.

I told her about DH having to have mouth surgery & me having to have the nerve blocks and that I am going to need to be off work for both of these days & I don't have anymore personal time left & I don't get vaccation until May 14th. She told me not to worry that P (our manager will understand & work with me) she said there have been others on the team that have ran out of time & she let them take off with out pay & she named two other people and her self.

P was out of the office today & my team coordinator asked how my appointment went yesterday I told her & explained my consern & asked her about taking FMLA for these days. She told me her understanding of FMLA is that it is taken for serous reasons and she is not sure if these reasons would qualify & if I can take them one day at a time, she never heard of anyone doing this. She said DH having oral surgery would not be something she would think I would need to miss work for. Well I don't think they are going to let DH drive hisself home.

She said I have to speak with P tomorrow on this. That all time unpaid has to be approved through her & it is her choice if she will approve my request or not. Conserned Yes... I dont want to loose my Job!!!

I went back to my friend/coworker & told her my conserns & she said not to worry that she is sure P would work with me on this as these are things I have no control over & all the days I missed where for appointments do to what has been going on & my incision. I tried to explain to her how P was last year when I had to take off for my Lupron shots every month & to see the Nero how she was complaining about my appointments 2 per month. She was shocked to hear P treated me that way. I said she did.

My friend said that as slow as it is right now at work there is no reason why she should give me a hard time about taking off unpaid. She said she used all her days up on vaccation & then came back & was sick. She then said I don't think they would fire you but if you do look at it this way you can get unemployment.

I am just on sure how to approce the request for FMLA... Any advise appreciated. I need to sleep tonight & I thought by speaking with my team coordinator she would set my nerves at easy but she only made them worce.
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Can't sleep...DH, Rhuemy, Work... Ugh.... 04-21-2005 - 12:50 AM
I am having a really hard time sleeping, not sure if it's from too much on my mind or the pain or the heart burn I have from eating Chinees. More then likely a combination of all.

DH has been having a bad tooth ack for the past yr or so. On Tuesday it was so bad he broke down and said he wanted to see a dentist. I and my parents have been trying to get him to go for some time but he refused. His teeth are bad, have been since the day I ment him. He has many that have broken off, his parents did not take him to the dentist as a child and he has a fear of the dentist as well. I made several phone calls on Tuesday to try to find someone with in our dental plan that would see him. Most people did not have any openings until end of May begining of June. One even told me Dec. I pleaded with all of these offices that they please see him. Finnaly the last one on my list agreed to put him on the cancelation list & took my conserns to heart. Dh is Debetic and I new he had an infection.

Well that office called me yesterday at work and got him in. He had stated home since he felt so bad. The dentist put him on an antibotic & is going to send him to an oral surgan for his teath. He is going to be having the teath chips removed & the tooth that is bothering him. Total of about 10 teeth involved. Sounds like it is going to be quit a ordeal. So I am conserned about him.

I am going to have to check with my work to see if I can take FMLA... I have been told by others on this site & by my aunt that it can be taken for a day if need be. I am going to need to take a day for his oral surgery & a day when I see the PM doctor to have the nerve blocks. I don't know why but I am scared to find out about FMLA. I guess afraid they will say no.

I am still hurting quit a bit from the exam with the pm doctor. I tried calling there office yesterday to see if they could give me something for the pain, but only reached there voice mail... I know I should of left a message, but I didn't. So I am going to have to call there office back today.

I saw the Rhuem doctor yesterday. He says something is still not adding up with the tests. He does not think it is Lupus or MCTD but said we still can't rule anything out. My ESR still is high at 38. My ANA came back high again at 640 normal being 80 pattern being speckled, the IGG came back as 1695 with normal being between 550-1600 and the IGM came back as 330 with normal being 43-279. So he ordered some more test & told me he would call me in about 1-2 weeks with the results.

He does not really think my incision may be causing these numbers to be so elevated as it is almost closed but again is not 100 persent sure. He already has said that it would be good to run these test again in about 6 months since I am having symptoms that would not be caused by my incision.

So I am kind of conserned about this as well, since last time I saw him he thought everything was fine & basicly caused from the incison. I am starting to understand why others have said it takes a long time to get a diagnoses as to what is truelly going one. I guess I should think back it took me about 7 yrs to get diagnosed with endo.

DH started packing yesterday for our new place... He said we are going to give notice here at the end of the month. It is kind of scarry cause we have alot of work to do on our house & right know no one will let me do anything... DH or my dad or step mom. I want to so bad even though I know they are right. Basicly every weekend from now until we move we will be going down to work on our new place. So hopefully we can get it some what live able in the next two months & I can find a job.

I see that the place where two of my aunts work is hiring for two postions that I would be intersted in. I am thinking of calling one of my aunts to see if she knows or could give me any more info on the jobs since one is in her department. I had sent my resume to this company as well back in Dec. Hoping since both of my aunts have worked there for many years they may be able to put in a good word for me as it is smaller comany.

I would also like to say thank you to all of you who have been so supportive... I greatly appreciate your suport. Mei your PM touched me so much with your thoughs of helping me with cleaning. Jane your words are comforting and have been very helpful. Laura, we both will get through these open incisons with each other's support. I just want to say thanks to everyone that response in my journal. Your thoughs & opions are valued a great deal to me and have helped me get through all of this and make it to the point where I am right now.

Well I am going to try to lay down on the sofa & see if I can get a little bit of shut eye.
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Saw PM doctor today... 04-19-2005 - 05:00 PM
I saw the PM doctor today and she wants to do nerve blocks on the left side. She feels that i have two diffrent nerves that are causing the pain I am having. She said it is very comon with female surgerys to have this kind of problem. She also said the endo & pcos could of contributed to this pain.

I am scheduled to have the first nerve block on may 4th. She said it will only provide pain relief for a few hours or a few days, but if it works they will do one that is more permit that will last about a year to three years. Then she will do the next nerve. She only wants to do one nerve at a time. It sounds like the second nerve may be a bit more challanging.

I am hurting pretty bad right know as she did a lot of poking. I hope that these nerve blocks work... I need some releif soon... I am thinking I may need to call her back & see if she can give me something for the pain just to help until the nerve block.

If anyone has had nerve blocks I would greatly appreciate any info one can give as to what to expect & how it works & your experiances.
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Didn't get the job I wanted... 04-19-2005 - 04:55 PM
I am kind of blue this afternoon cause I did not get the job I so much wanted. I am fustrated because I have been with my current company for 4 yrs, 2 yrs of that being in Recruiting.

I have been working in transportation for over 7 yrs and feel I have alot of knowledge. I called the company back yesterday late afternoon to do a followup call and was advised that they are still making there choice.

Well today I came there was a letter in the mail from the company signed by the lady I called yesterday saying that even though I have many strong skills I am not a match for their company & they are prosuing other applicants who better fit the needs of the company.

DH said it's more then likely they found someone to do the job for less that I asked for too much $$$. I did not ask for anymore then I make now. I also felt that durring the first interview she thought I was over qulified... As this position is a bit of a step down from what I do know in the level process at there company. Where I work they are considered equal.

So it's back to searching for jobs. ) :
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Wound specialist update... 04-19-2005 - 04:49 PM
I saw the wound specialist last thursday & she put a special kind of bandage on the incision. It is made out of pig intestanse.

The drainage from my incision is to make the pig stuff adhear to my incison & desolve & my body is to try to grow with the pig tissues if I understand right.

Dh has to change the bandage every other day & put more pig stuff on. It is looking fairly good right now.

I hope this will do the trick!
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Called wound specialist... 04-13-2005 - 08:08 PM
I broke down & called the wound specialist & spoke with her nurse. She said either she our NP J. would call me back. Around 4:30 pm NP. J called me back & she asked what was going on. I explained what happened & that I was not sure how much bigger it was then yesterday, but did know it felt like it tore.

She said she would like to see me tomorrow & asked me to come in for a 2pm appointment.

My right groin area is hurting & feels swollen to me w/pain in my hip & thigh. I came home from work & checked my temp, it was back up again @ 99.6. I hurt to bad to even make dinner, I called Dh & asked him where he wanted to go for dinner cause I was not cooking. So we went to old country buffet.

I am at my wits end with this incision... My house is a mess cause I don't want to bend to clean, DH has been sick the past two weeks w/a cold so he has not done much for cleaning. My floors have not been vaccumend since I broke down last time & cleaned when DH was gone. I want to do it so bad pain or no pain but am afraid of DH if I do. But again I am not sure how to get him to do it either...

DH wants to go to our new place on Saturday to begin working out there after I go to a gathering to perpare for my friends wedding shower. I so want to tell him to go by his self so I can clean house. But yet I know I am needed at the farm as well. So I don't know what to do.

Some times I just think if I could tie my self down for a few weeks & only get up to go pee, that maybe I could get this thing to heal. I just seem to have such a hard time getting past this point. The doctors now say or have been saying for the past two months or so that bending will not harm my incision. But I tend not to belive this since for the past month or so i have not had any proggress with this thing.

I am feeling beat again... Time to try to get some sleep... I did not sleep well last night woke up with heart burn. Spent most of the night on the sofa sitting up.
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DH is mad @ me about incision... 04-13-2005 - 01:10 PM
My Dh gave me a lecture while cleaning my incision this morning... It started out by us talking about sex... I joked with him that I don't even know what sex is at this point... (It's been since Nov)... I told him it not my fault he is not getting any... It not that I don't want to it is that he will not let me. He says my incsion has to heal first because sex would put to much trama on the incison. He then lectures me on no bending at work (which I try not to, but it's part of my job assigment, I try to get help when ever I can)... He also told me that I need to sit still a bit more. I told him I am doing everthing he askes to try to get this to heal.

Well around noon I got out of my desk to speak with my team coordinator and I hurt... It felt like something tore... I finished my call & then went to the rest room. Bright red blood on the black pad. Not a lot of blood. But it hurts bad. So when I came home for lunch about 10 mins ago, I looked at the incision. It looks like it might be a bit bigger then yesterday but I am not 100 percent sure. I do know that I am having moderate pain on the right side now & it's going down my leg.

I called DH to tell him before I left work & he started yelling at me asking me what I was doing to cause this. I said nothing all I did is get up out of my desk and walk to Stacy. He is fustrated and tells me that I better call my wound specialist and the GP & they better get to the bottom of this. I don't know what to do...

I am afraid to call the wound specialist, they don't like you calling them for things that they feel are not urgent and I am sure they are going to see this is not urgent. My GP is not in the office today & I already know both are just going to shrug there shoulders & say they dont know. It is going to just take time.

I wounder if I could just take two weeks off of work and do nothing if It would heal... I wish Dh would let me try & the doctors would give it a try.

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Job interviewing is hard work... I am beat... 04-11-2005 - 07:51 PM
Boy, I never realized how much work job interviewing is.

My first interview was at 8am... I am a bit worried that I might of been a bit under qualified for the recruiter postion that they are trying to fill, but yet I believe with a little training and some hard work I could full fill there needs. They are looking for a recruiter for there Central Wisconsin office for experianced drivers. They want some one who is consistant with bring in drivers. They currently have 35 empty trucks and are looking to fill these trucks as well as grow by a 100 trucks. They would like to have 5 expreriance drivers start per week. I currently bring on about 15 per week consistantly... Our goal is 25 per week. We have people who do bring on 25 per week, but they have a higher number of wash outs then I do. The job would be 40 hours per week with an occasional Saturday for 4 hours. I was advised that they are looking at making the postion into a sallaried position. The company is a lot smaller then the one I currently work for. So I feel that even though there are new & more responsiblities then I currently have I am still capable of doing the job. I found this position to be one I have dreamed of having for quite a while, just in the back of my mind did not think I was to that level yet, but DH says I am. It would be a challange and I think that is what most intregs me yet about the position.

My second interview was at 2 pm. This postion was for another trucking company as a Recruiting Processer for experianced.... Basicly what they do is do the back ground checks, run mvr, the dac, and do employment verifications. While I would find this job interisting I don't think I would find it a challange as I would the other. When I first arrived I felt very welcomed as there was a sign at the front desk with my name on it & it said welcome. This really gave me warm fuzzy's. I was met by Carol & she showed me around the office & gave me a tour and explained what each department does. Then she took me into her office and had me do a data entry typing test & another type of typing test... I was kind of freeked cause I have not done any typing test since high school... Also her desk was a bit uncomfterble since it was not set up for me... She said I did good, but I am not sure on the typing test I did 39 words per min. with 5 errors. She said I did alot better then what she would do. Next she took me to do a sit in with one of the processers for 30 mins. It was kind of odd cause I ended up giving the processer some good advise that she never thought of & did not know she could do. She just gave me a high level overview of the job since I am very familar with the programs they use. It seems like a really nice & good group of people to work with. The time with her went by fast & Carol came and we went to her office. She and the manager for the Recruiters did a interview with me. The interview only lasted about 20-25 mins. I felt it went good. After the interview they had me do a mock phone call where I called one of there employes to do an employment verification... It was kind of funny cause the guy I called was trying to blow me off & get me to call back latter to get the dates of employment for the fake driver & I was able to "smooth" talk him into giving me the info. Next they went over bennifets with me... They are not so hot... I don't care for the fact that the company does not match profit sharing. Health insurance is more then we pay now, but we are going to look into maybe keeping DH's if we can get doctors in that area. Prior to going over bennifets she gave me an application and asked me to take it home & fill it out & send it back... But after we went over bennifets she asked me if I would mind staying and filling it out... So I filed it out and thanked her for the chance to visit the company & for the interview & told her I look forward to hearing from her. She advised me I would be hearing from her with in a week.

I acturally had a blast at the second interview... It was alot of fun and truelly with in my comfort zone & a lot slower pace then I work know which may be good for me.

The driving was a killer... The first interview was about a 35 min drive from my dad's house & I drove back to his house after the interview... The second interview was about an 65 mins from my dad's and from the second interview home was about 2 1/2 hours. Total in since Saturday I must of driven about 600 miles.

Well DH got home
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2 Interviews tomorrow... 04-10-2005 - 08:43 AM
Well tomorrow is my big interview day. I am starting to get a bit nervous, but DH said I have nothing to be nervous about. He reminded me that I have been working in the Trucking industry for 6 yrs and I have a lot of experiance... 1 1/4 yrs as a driver, 9 months as a dispatcher, driver manager and log auditing, 2 years of logistices, load planning & OS&D, and almost 2 yrs of driver recruiting.

I think it just kind of scarry leaving a company you have worked for 4 yrs. I know at this point weather moving or not a change in employers is needed, but still it's scarry.

I have always hated interviewing, afraid I would say something wrong. But DH keeps telling me I know the industry and not to doubt my knowledge. \

I think what is also making me nervouse is my current health situation. Being almost 4 months post op & still having my incision open... Having fevers for 3 months and everthing else. I was so hoping in Dec when I had this surgery that I would be all healed by this time and the pain would be gone so that I would be able to do what ever I wanted & needed to do without being restricted.

I know I did too much yesterday. DH woke me up yesterday morning at 5:30 am to see if I wanted to go for a ride with him to pick up his cell phone as he dropped it at a customer on Friday. So I went for the ride with him. When we got back around 7 am I laid down & fell back to sleep until 9 am. Got up & made us eye appointments for next week and got a bite to eat & got dressed. Around 11 am we left to go up north to pick up our camper & off roading truck since we are giving up our campsite this year because of moving & having too much other stuff going on.

We stopped for lunch on the way. When we got to the camper I went in and placed everything so it would be safe for the travel. DH worked on getting his off road truck going had to put in a new alternater. I picked up the campsite (amazing how much litter was on our site from the winter). Helped DH with the alternater & pick up the fire wood that we did not use.

While we were there someone was burning brush at there site & started a fire that got way out of control. I had just called my friend who had the sight next to us to joke with her about there still being some patches of snow on the grass & happened to look over & see flames coming from the off road gravel pit. Fire trucks came in & out of the campground for about 2 hours to put out the fire. Ended up burning about 3-4 football feilds of land. Thankfully no one was hurt or injured & no campsites or campers where in the area of the fire & the wind was blowing a way from the campsites.

When we went to pull out the camper from the sight we had a flate tire so DH had to fix that, then all of the other tires where about 30 lbs low on air. So he had me pull he camper to the local BP so we could fill them with air. By the time we left Up north it was almost 7 pm. We did not get home until about 9:30 pm & changed cloths & I curled my hair so we could meet a few of our friends at the bars in Neenah for a birthday get together. We did not ge home until almost 3 am, and DH put in a pizza and by the time i went to bed it was almost 4 am. I woke up at 8:30 am this morning because my hands where numb.

I know I need to get motivated & put some cloths in the washer so I have something to wear for my interview. Not sure what to wear. Dh said I should wear a dress, but it is going to rain tomorrow & be cool as well as I have a lot of driving to do. So I am thinking about wearing a good pair of dress pants (black or dark grey) a cranberry tank, with my black & cranberry dress shirt , with heals. I think that would be approperate for an office interview. I bought my self a new purse on friday that would really accent the outfit well.

Well I better get my butt moving need to leave here between 1-2 pm this afternoon. I want to stop & see my step grandma once I get to my dads.
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Got PM appointment... 04-08-2005 - 01:23 PM
Well I am finnally getting in to see a PM doctor. I have been wanting to see one for the past few months and my GP has agreed and the appointment is set for 4/19 at 1pm. I even got a female doctor! I just feel more comfeterble with them. The bad news is I have to drive 60 miles, closest PM doctor... Funny cause I live in a big town.

I am not sure how I am getting off of work yet, but I am going to go. I have too. I have to do something... I truelly hope I get a job offer on Monday so I can give my two weeks notice on Tuesday when I come back. I know they will walk me out, but I don't care... They will have to pay me unemployment for the two weeks. This will give me two weeks of rest, before I start my new job.

Well got to run back to work...
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Called GP... 04-07-2005 - 07:58 PM
I called the GP office this afternoon and spoke with his nurse. I asked her if she could please talk to him about getting me a referal to PM doctor. The last 48 hrs have not been pleasent.

She called me back saying that he said he had no problem refering me to PM, but she tried to call the PM doctor I saw under our old insurance & they don't take our new insurance... (I could of told her that if she asked, in fact I had told the GP that when I first saw him)... But anyway she asked me to check with my insurance to find out if they would cover PM doctors & where I could go.

The insurance gave me a name of a doctor in Green Bay as well as two doctors in Appleton, one of the PM doctors in Appleton is a female, which I really like the Idea of a female doctor. So I desided to be proactive & called there office just to verify that they take my insurance & I was advised they do. I also asked what the waiting was for a new patient & she said they are booking for the 21st at this time for new patients & gave me the number for appointments so my GP could call to set an appointment for me. She said if he calls he may be able to get me in sooner then the 21st. But still I think 21st is good considering last time I went to PM I had to wait about 6 weeks to get in.

So hopefully I will get a PM appointment set tomorrow. I just can't sit hear & wait for them to find out what is going on. I need something to control the pain. Who knows the PM doctor may even have an idea what is causing the all the inflamation, body aches & fevers.

The pain has been bad on the left side today. Right in the fold of where my leg and groin meet. The pain seems to travel down my leg. I just can't get comfterble. Last night it was the right side that was bothering me. I guess I should be glad that both sides have not bothered me at once. I think if they did I would not be able to walk.

I know DH is fustrated by me still having pelvice/groin/leg pain. He says I have nothing left to be causing this pain. But trust me something is causing it cause I know it's not in my head. I sure hope he belives me. Some days I wounder... Although most days I know he does. I just feel like a hypercondac.

I know the pain is real I feel it. I know the fevers are there, the themoiter conferms this... 99.7 as I type...

I truelly wounder if it's not some sort of tissue disorter as well the incision just seems at a stand still. Dh and I have notice it just seems to be draining more now then it has in a long time. Not meaning blood, just discharge... Hard to tell what color the discharge is because the bandage they have placed right on the incision is black & then 4x4's over the black bandage. I have seen brownish red discharge on the 4x4's over the past week, looks like old blood.

Well Dh has already hit the hay... I should join him & dakota. My pain pills are starting to work, so hopefully I can sleep. Dakota turned 6 today in human years 42 in doggy years. So she is the old lady of the house know & has me & dh passed up. I hope she does not forget who is boss... and that she is still my baby... Well going to go and see if she will give me my pillow back & let me sleep in my bed.
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Pain, fustration, upset, looking for awnsers still.... 04-06-2005 - 04:28 PM
Where do I start... My day has been like a roller coster that just will not let me off...

The rhuem doctor does not think it is lupus or mtcd. He said he thinks my problem is all caused my the incision. (why do people want to blame the incision? yes it's open, but it is the size of a dime.)

He asked me a bunch of quesitons & did a bunch of writing, then told me he does not think it is lupus or mtcd. He asked me to get undressed so he could examine me. What he did was examine my nails, my ears, my mouth, my neck & back and did a reflex test & asked me to touch my toes. He also looked at my hands as I have been complaining of pain in them & swelling & told me I just have fat fingers. I can get my ring on in the morning w/o any problem, but by the end of the day my hands are so swollen along with other areas in my body.

Most of my pain is in the low groin area between the creases where your legs are. When the Occupational health doctor examined this area I about went through the roof because of the pain. He did not even check that area? Which left me puzzeled.

He did take 6 tubes of blood and told me to come back in 2 weeks for the test results.

I did call an leave a message for the Occupational health doctor because she said if the rhuem doctor did not find anything today she wanted me to call her back.

Well for some good news... At lunch I called home just to check my voice mail to see if the Occupational health doctor called back . Well I got a call from the place I had the phone interview at on Monday & they want me to come in next monday afternoon for a second interview. She said she would email me an aggenda, as well as info on the bennifets. Dh says they must be pretty intersted if they are sending me bennifet info. I also got a call from another trucking company last night for a interview on Monday morning. So it looks like monday will be full of interviews.

Well by 3:30 I was hit with the down side of the roller coster... My manager pulled me into a room and told me that other associates have come to her because I have been making some dum desisions the past 3-4 weeks. Things that I normally would not do. She said she feels that it is because I am in so much pain at work and that my mind is not all there. Which is true... She said I need to try to consentrate harder and that I need to correct this. I am so detail oranted and this is the first time I have ever gotten called in to the office for something like this the hole time I have worked for the company for the past 4 yrs. I am kind of hurt that my team mates did not come to me first. And in a way I can't belive that I did some of the things she said I did, but I must of. This just really adds to the fustration...

My pain is so bad right know in the pelvic area between my legs where the crease is... I think tomorrow I am going to call my GP and just see if he can get me into a pain specialist. I need something to help control the pain.
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Seeing Specialist tomorrow... Scared & Nervous... 04-05-2005 - 03:46 PM
I am a little bit nervouse about seeing the rumitologist tomorrow. My wound specialist is glad that I am seeing on, hoping that we can get some awnsers as too what's going on. I just don't know what to expect when I see them. I hope & pray they can atleast give me something to treat the symptoms I am having, most greatly the pain.

Most of all I hope they can give us some awnsers.... Is it lupus or is it MCTD.... Or is it something else?

I am so afraid they are going to say it's nothing & I am fine... But I know I am not fine. So does the Ocupational doctor I saw yesterday. I don't want people thinking I am making this all up or that it is in my head. I know DH believes what is going on, but I truelly wounder with people I work with & family.

My boss made a committ this morning that I just seem to have everything. This offended me... I have never called in sick for the flu or a cold since she has been my manager. It has all been related to female issues.

I just want an name to be put to what is going on so we can try to treat it. I understand that both issues are some what of life alterating issues & issues I am going to have to deal & cope with, but it's hard to cope & deal with something when you don't know what it is.
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Saw Occupational Health Doctor Today...And Phone Interview.... 04-04-2005 - 05:12 PM
After calling my Doctor to get the rest of my blood results and listening to my sypmtoms and pain she feels that I have Lupus or MCTD (Mutipule Chronic Tissue Disorter.) She said the best thing for me right know is to see a rumitologist, which I am on Wednesday morning. She said if the Rumitoligist said nothing was wrong she wants me to come back, to her so she can send me to a diffrent Rumitologist. But she is pretty confident that I will be diagonsed withone or the the other or even both.

As fare as work goes... Her first recomondation was for me to cut my work hours from 40 to part time... I explained that I could not afford to work part time, not right know... She asked if I could afford to at least reduce them to 30-35 hours a week. I said unfortunitly I don't think I can, we need all the money we can get right know with having two house payments. She recomends that I talk it over with DH expecially if her hunch is right with me having Lupus or MCTD. She wrote up for me to have my desk ergonomicaly assested again and that I am to take a 5 min streach break every hour. She said that the rumitoligist will have some advise as well for me.

It just kind of freeks me out cause my GP was conserned about my numbers, but not overlly conserned... But the Occupational Health doctor was extreamly conserned about the numbers and swears that there is something going on and that the incision could not cause the numbers we are seeing.

I had my phone interview today... I felt it when good. Carol at the company I interviewed for told me she had a few more phone interviews to do, but that she would be calling me in two days to let me know if the would like to do a day long second interview.

Well I need to lay down & rest a bit... DH had a cold & I am starting to get it, just what I need right now, as well as my shoulders, arms, wrists & fingers hurt & I can't bear to type anymore.
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Saw GP today... Sending me to specialist.... 04-01-2005 - 07:25 PM
I saw my GP today. He said that my ANA came back high. He said that anything above 80 is high, my number was 680. He said he can no longer help me & it's time to get me to a specialist. So on Wednesday he has me set up to see a Rumatogest (sp). He said he is not sure if I have lupus, but is thinking that I have Connective Tissue Disorter. He said the Rumitoligist will be able to conferm this and help with a treatment. He feels this could be causing a lot of my chronic pain.

So next week is going to be a week of doctors.... Monday I see the ocupational heath doctor, Tuesday the wound specialist & Wednesday the rumitolgist. My boss is sure going to love me.

I am completely wiped out tonight, so I am going to call it a night... As I am sure the next few days are going to be long days with going to my dad's & helping them get ready for our late Easter with my stepmom's family.
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Friday... Seeing GP again today.... 04-01-2005 - 05:21 AM
I will be seeing the GP again this afternoon at 4:15 for the results of the CT and the blood test that where taken last week Thursday. I woke up this morning with pain on my right side. I pray that is not a sign of my day today. It was also bothering me at work yesterday, every time I had to bend to get into a file. My body also felt very achey most of the afternoon & into the night. Hopefully I will get some sort of clue today as to what might be going on.

I spoke with my dad last night... My cat is not doing well. We got Tuse when I was in 8th grade along with Dutches. Dutches passed about 3 yrs ago. My dad said that Tuse has started limping just like Dutches did when she first became ill. He said at this point he is just watchinig her very carefully, but if she is not any better by Monday it's off to the vet. But he fears just like for Dutches there will be nothing he can do for Tuse.

I will be going to my dad's tomorrow thru Monday, So I plan on giving her some special one on one.

I have my phone interview set for Monday @ 10 am. I sure hope it goes well, it would be so great to have a job set for our move. As DH stated this morning this will be our last weekend of rest until we get in our new home & even then we will have plenty to do.

Next weekend we have to remove our camper from our perminet sight up north and take it to the farm. We plan on staying there while working on the house so we don't have to intrued on my dad & step mom every weekend. We have a lot to do if we want to be in our house by July 1st.

Well I ought to get my butt moving and get dressed and ready for work...

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Received email to schedual a phone interview.... 03-31-2005 - 05:24 AM
I received an email yesterday morning to contact the company to set up a time for a phone interview. So I am going to come home durring my lunch to call them to set up a time. With moving to our new home in Wisconsin Rapids, I have not choice to find a new job as well as I have wanted to leave this company for the past year weather we moved or not. DH said he wishes we were finnancial more stable for me to take a few months off, but we have been paying double house/rent payments for the past 6 months and it just is not feasable at this time.

I know if I am offered this postion and give my two week notice that I will be walked out of the office since I am going to a competator. Standard practice in the industry I work in and expecially with the company I work for. I have seen it done two many times. But to my understanding they have to pay me for the two weeks.

Incision is bigger again today. It had gotten smaller again to the point it was almost closed, now today it is as big as DH's finger nail. He pointed his finger at me this morning and asked what am I doing that I am not to be doing. I said hun, I am trying to be careful not to do anything that I shouldn't do.

I can't wait until this heals. I have not been able to be close to DH the way I would like to. It's been almost 6 months do to the fact before surgery I was just in too much pain, and now he is a fraid to touch me because I might bust a gut as he puts it.

Well hopefully tomorrow I will get some idea or word on what might be going on when I see my GP. My temp is still wacky, and my body still feeling like I have the flu most days.
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Another day... 03-29-2005 - 08:01 PM
My stumach felt a bit better when I got up this morning, but I did not eat anything until lunch because I was afraid I would end up running to the bathroom and it's a long walk from my desk to the bathroom. (It's across the building) I had a light lunch and munched on some raw carrots with dip when I came home. DH is making ribs, I don't really know if I am even hungry for any but boy they sure smell good.

I had my PA this morning... My boss excepted the copy I did on my computer even though it was not in the company form. It was close. Overall my PA went okay. I new what she was going to grip about. She complained about me not setting enough interviews, but I am sorry I am not going to set some one just to met a number when we know that they don't meet the critera or when we know they will be turned down in the next step of the process. Why waist the applicant's time, have them quit there job and not have a job as well as waist the company's time and money they invest in the applicant. I feel quality is better then quanitly. She also complained that not enough of my callers where sending back there applications. I can't make them fill out an application. Many of us on me team fell the same way about these issues.

She also put in my PA that I was out of the office a lot do to personal issues and that I DEC I did not met any of my key factors do to not being at work. Okay I was on short term disablity for 1/2 of DEC. (When I had my LAVH and was gone for 4 weeks my manager noted that I was on short term disablity leave) I asked my current manager to add that to my PA, she advised me that she could not do that because it was against hippa rules. Ugh... She also said my desk was unorginized when she placed a temp in my desk shortly after I started my leave. When I left for leave my desk was orginized, but while I was gone every one piled papers and new handouts all over my desk and when I asked for time to go through this info and orginize my desk when I returned she told me I could do it durring my lunch unpaid.

She also said she expects me to resolve my personal issues and met all my key factors, but that I have allready let her down on this quarter because I did not return from short term disabilty until begining of Feb and then only worked part time for a month and now continue to miss work.

Her overall review was that I met expectations.

On a positive note I got an email from one of the companies that I had submited a resume to in Jan. asking me if I was still interested in the postion and if I wanted to relocate to there corp office which is about 30 miles from our new place. So really it would not be that bad of a drive. I responed and am hoping that I get a call for an interview.

Well time to try to get some rest as good as the ribs smell I think I am going to pass don't need any heartburn to keep me a wake durring the night and all of a sudden I feel like a ton of bricks just feel on me and I need to go to sleep.
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Sick all night... 03-29-2005 - 05:27 AM
I had that lovely CT scan yesterday and I got so sick from the stuff they make you drink and put in you veins. My stumach kept me running to the bathroom with diarhea. I am afraid to eat anything this morning for fear of having to run to the bathroom at work.

It did not help last night that I had to work on the computer to write my (PA) performance review of myself for my boss. We don't have microsoft office on our computer and I could not conform the formate in to microsoft word processer so I had to get creative to make it in the same formate and had to hand write a part of it. I hope she will except this or I am in trouble....

Between worring about PA last night, my tummy and my swollen body I had a hard time sleeping. My hole body seemed to be swollen last night all the way down to my feet. My arms, hands, breast, pelvic and thighs down to my calfs seemed to hurt the worce. I tried to lay in bed with DH but could not get comfterble. The bed seemed to hurt my body. I went on the sofa and curled up with the down comfterter and was fast asleep within 45 mins.
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Happy Easter... 03-27-2005 - 09:13 AM
I was up most of the night again do to the pain... in my lower pelvis. I know I should of broke down an taken something besides tyonel, but I am trying to save the few pain pills I have left. I was tring to get a few things done around the house last night my fever went over 100 and DH told me to stop for the evening. It's just so odd how this fever thing works, cause two hours after my fever was over 100 it dropped way done to 96.7 and my hands and feet where just freezing. It just seems I go from one extream to the next. Ugh...

DH & I colored Easter eggs last night. That was fun, I have not colored Easter eggs since I was in grade school, but it was something we always did the Saturday before Easter. They turned out great, kind of suprised me by how tallented DH was at coloring them. He was quit creative.

I just finished making Easter breakfast kilbasa and bisquets. My dad just called to wish us a Happy Easter and said since it is so nice out why don't you two come take a drive (125 miles one way) over for dinner. DH and I figured what the heck might as well. I was going to make dinner for us, but I really enjoy spending time with my dad & stepmom. My stepmom wants me to help her make Easter baskets for next weekend when her side of the family and us all do Easter at their house. So it looks like we will not be spending Easter alone after all!

Have a great Easter!
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Update on Visit with GP on Thursday 3-24... 03-26-2005 - 10:38 AM
Sorry it has taken me this long to update. Thrusday night when I came home DH & I ordered pizza and I went straight to bed after american idiol as I was dead tired.

My sedrate test came back with a result of 53, my understanding from the GP is that a normal sedrate is 15. What this means is my body has a lot of inflamation. He spoke with the wound specialist about my results and hear is what they came up with...

She is requesting him to have another CT scan ran on Monday 3/28 just to make sure that I don't have any sort of absess, because she has never seen anyone have the problems I am having with my incision and how it has reoppened more in the past few weeks. The GP said he is willing to place money that I don't have an absess, but for peice of mind he will order the CT.

They talked about my sedrate and my high total protien and gamma. And they both find that it is worth doing further investigation for an immune dissorter. He feels that I more then likely have fibromyalgia do to the notes from the pain specialist, but he feels that it is secondary to what every else I am dealing with. So he ordered some more blood test along with a mouth swab test called sm... Not sure what it is for.

He told me he was looking for immune disorters like lupus. He stated that I have many of the symptoms of lupus. They took 7 tubes of blood from me. One of the test they did required them to take blood from both arms, and they put the blood into 2 bottles for each arm. The bottles where full of diffrent things to test my blood.

He gave me the choice of having him send me a letter with the results and having to come back in for blood, or to come in and discusse the results & take more blood at that time. I said I would prefer to come in and talk about the results and do blood work at the same time. So I have an appointment on friday 4/1 for more blood work & to see him to talk about the results.

I am kind of worried because I don't know how the fibromyelga is going to affect me as well as the lupus... I know right know I am having such a hard time with energy, feeling like I have the flu, the pain & fevers that I have not made it a full week at work & have not been able to do the things I would like around the house.
____________________________________

I enjoyed my day yesterday with DH... He had me go into one of his customers with him to look a there tile samples just to see what they had because the people in the yard where on lunch and it would be a bit before they would be able to unload him. Well low & behold we found the tile we want for our new place!!!!

Neither of us had been able to agree on one tile before, but we found one that has what we both were looking for. Dh wanted something with tan in it, and I wanted something with green, rose, and gray, well it has all of those colors and the texture that I want! I am so happy this is one less thing I need to worry about and it is in our price range!

_________________________

Easter is not going to be as planned this year.... I called my mom yesterday while I was no the road with DH, just to see what she was up to and how her day was going. Well she got into it with me about my work, asked me why I was off... I said I had the day off to spend with DH. She then says to me don't you think taking so much time off from your job is going to affect your ability to find a new job when you move or that your going to get termed for taking so much time off and all theese doctor appointments are they really needed.

I did not know how to responed... I just told mom I have the time, they call it flex time. We are given 7 days a year, and 14 days of vac. We can take it in 15 min times, as well as I don't think there is much they can do right now because there is another girl I work with who has used all her time up and is still missinig do to doctor appointments and being ill and they are working with her because she is pregnet and they are aware of what is going on with me.

She goes on to say well what do they think is worng with you... I said mom they think I may have lupus or some sort of immune disorter along with fibromyelgia. She then said well you better watch it so you don't miss so much work.

Then goes on to tell me about her shoulder and how much it hurts and how she is on light duty and how when she sees the doctor next week she is scheduling surgery for her bone spure.

Well DH comes in the truck and I let her go... He asks me what my mom has to say. I tell her nothing much just harping on me for missing too much work and I tell him what she says. He then asks me why are we going there tomorrow for easter dinner? I said I don't know... He hands me the phone and says all she cares about is herself and her boyfriend not her child. Cant she see something is going on with your healt here? Oh yeah she only comes to see you once a year and you have to beg her... Call her back and tell her we are not coming. I said I would latter, well he dials the number and hands me the phone.

I just tell her that we are not coming... She is like why... I don't want to get into it with her and I just say we are not... She askes me if I am feeling that badly and I just said yes. She tells me if we change our mind just to come on down she has plenty of food. And that everyone is going to be dissapointed that I am not coming on Saturday and Sunday.

Part of me really wanted to go, but part of me is happy we are not because truelly I don't know if I have the energy to put up with all my family and there rude commits. So it looks like easter will be a quiet time at home.

I just don't know how to explain right now to others how I am feeling so they understand. I think DH understands because the last two days he has let me sleep as much as I needed to and not said a word. I am so glad i have him....
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Seeing GP again today... Think I am going to ask for a refural... 03-24-2005 - 05:50 AM
I see my GP this afternoon. If he and the wound specialist did not come up with any ideas as to what is going on when they talked then I am asking to see someone else. The wound specialist recomended maybe seeing a Rumatilogist (sp) or an internist. DH and I talked and with my mom & dad's history we think that maybe the Rumitolgist might be the way to go. I just need to do something.

My fever was at 99.8 this morning. I told DH yesterday afternoon, that maybe I should jut go to the ER. He told me no. They wont be able to help you cause they don't know your history. UGH....

My GP had given me a TB test when I was in on Monday, went back yesterday and it was neg. The nurse could not even find he spot they gave me the TB shot in. I talked to her about how I was feeling and she was not much help, just shrugged her shoulders. I told her what the wound specialist said, that maybe I am allergic to the stitches they placed inside of me, she said well if you incision is open then you would not have any stiches. I had to explain to her that they put 3 layers of stiches in me! She said she never heard of anyone being allergic to the stitches. I said the wound specialist also suggested that I see a Rumitologist or an Internest that something is going on hear. She said well make sure you tell the doctor tomorrow. I advised her that the wound specialist was going to call him to talk with him. She said it does not look like she has yet. If he has not spoken with her by my appointment, I am going to tell him lets do a confernce call right now right here.

Sometimes I get the feeling that my GP does not want to get involved. The wound specialist said she has been sending him updates on my proggress every visit. He acts like he has never heard from her. And he is afraid to do anything cause of steping on someones toes. Isn't the care of the patient the most important issue!

Please wish me luck this afternoon... Thank you all for your support.... It means so much to me.
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Felt so drained last night... 03-23-2005 - 05:25 AM
After I made my entry in here I called DH to tell him I was going to take a nap before he came home and he told me that was fine as he was just on his way back to the yard with his truck and had to do his paper work before he could leave.

DH got home around 6:15 and we went to pick up some grocerys and to the bank. I did not feel like going. The way I felt I could of slept the hole night and then some. But I had to go to the bank. After we went shopping I was just way to drained to even think about making something to eat and DH was tired as well so we just grabbed a bite to eat out.

Came home and I took my pills and we went straight to bed. I had a hard time falling a sleep at first. It took me about an hour because the pain was so bad on my right side. I was almost in tears. DH tried to hold me but the pressure of him holding me made it worce.

I had a hard time at work yesterday as well making it until 2:30 pm. Around noon the pain was so bad I found myself trying to get out of my desk for any reason to try to get some of the pressure off the right side. The last 30 mins I did almost absultly nothing at work. I went to the rest room, put away some paper work, and that was it. I feel so lazzy at work like I am don't doing my share of work, and I am so afraid it is going to end up biting me in the butt soon. I just pray that I can make it a hole day to day and make it a productive day.

I am so glad I have Friday off. I plan on going to work with DH if my body allows. He got a new semi last week and wants to show me his new truck. It's a 2005 and he is so proud that his boss leased him a new truck. I know if I get tired he does not care if I nap, and he makes plenty of stops on Fridays (he goes around door county) that I will get the chance to get up and strech my legs. It will be nice just to spend the day with him. I feel bad cause I always feel like crap and really am too tired and in too much pain to spend any quality time with him durring the week. I give him a lot of credit for puting up with me lately, cause I can't put up with myself.
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Saw Wound Specialist Today... 03-22-2005 - 03:49 PM
I saw the wound specialist this afternoon. She was not happy with how my incision looked. As it is about twice the size it was last week if not a bit bigger. She agreed too that it was more then likely a blood vessel that had popped on Friday. She is finding it odd that my incision is starting to reopen and thinking that maybe the GP should order another scan of that area as she is woundering if there is not a hemitoma, or if I am allergic to the stitches they used to so me up internally. (Wounder if I am what they would do?, On a second thought I don't think I want to know as I could not face the fact of them having to open me back up).

We also talked about my chronic inflammation. She thinks that it still is most likely NOT related to the incision. She said that with my simptoms she would recomend he refers me to an Internist or a Rheumatologist. She said that I could very well be dealing with RA, Lupus or Fibermerlga (sp).

I told her yesterday when I saw my GP he asked me if there was anyother test that I wanted him to run, and I did not know what kind of test I should have him run and asked if she had any suggestions. She said it was not her place to make suggestions. Ugh... I hate that how they do that. But she did agree to call my GP as he does not want to step on her toes & she does not want to step on his.

I am going to talk with DH tonight and see what his thoughts are. I am still thinking about calling the insurance to see what they think. DH and I both agree that what ever is causing the inflamation is making it a lot harder for me to heal. As I have regressed instead of progressed.

Last night the pain was bad on the right side. I pretty much cried my self to sleep, starting to wounder why I had this surgery as it has turned into a nightmare... At this point I am feeling almost worce off then prior to my surgery. I have pain on both sides instead of one. My hands, belly, legs, wrists are all retaining water and swollen. Either my body temp is way low like 97.1 - 97.4 and I am freezing or I have a low grade fever from 99.1 to 100.8.

Well I am going to try to ketch a bit of a nap before DH comes home so we can go shopping for grocerys.
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Went in to see GP... 03-21-2005 - 01:31 PM
I felt like crap at work. My temp was up to 100.1. My incision is hurting internally, and I just could not consintrate.

When I called & said I had questions on my blood work, the letter the GP wrote, the nurse basicly just red from the letter & said well you should be feeling better by now. I said what if I am not? I have felt like death draged over since Wednsday. Explained about the bleeding, the pain, the fever, the body aches, ect. She said well if there is a change in your condition you have to come in. So off I went...

The GP looked at my incision & the first thing he said is oh, well it's closed... and said it looks fine... I am like no, that's just the bandage... The bandage is skin colored. So he pulled of the bandaged & pressed around and was asking if it hurt. It hurt, but more so inside not on the outside if that makes any since. He said he could see that I indeed to burst another blood vessel on Friday, but it does not look infected. He asked when I see the wound specialist again, and I told him tomorrow.

He is insistant that the fever, chronic inflamation & everything I am dealing with is from the incision. He said I more then likely have an infection, but since he does not know what kind of infection, where for sure the infection is, and does not want to step on the wound specialist toes (she said the fever is not from the incision) that at this point he can't give me anything. Ugh... He says he does not know what he is treating, and the specialist knows more then he, and he is suprised she has not called him about my fever if it is not related to my incision.

He did take another CBC, and one other test to messure the amount of inflamation I have, stated when I see him on Thursday, if they don't show anything he will refer me to an infectious deases doctor. I asked him what I am to do in the mean time... He said to treat it like a cold, rest, take tyonel, and drink plenty of fluids. (He did not give me anything for the pain either, said he can't cause he does not know what is causing it).

DH is fustrated as well, he told me I should call up our insurance company and speak with them and ask them if is a good thing to run a low grade temp for over two months, with an incision that is not healing & keeps bursting blood vessels, & the blood work shows chronic inflamation.

Basicly the doctor could not awnser any of my questions saying they were all unfair cause he does not know what we are dealing with. He said he does not understand why I have good days & bad days either.

I feel like I am in an endless pit, I just feel like I am sinking and until they get to the bottom of this. I just don't think my incision is going to heal. It is weeping alot.

I am starting to loose my strenght with all of this as my body is wearing out fast and faster. The more I do the high my fever gets, the worce my body aches, and my insicsion hurts.
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Monday Morning... 03-21-2005 - 05:58 AM
Ugh... When I woke up I felt like I was totally out of it. I could hardly open my eyes, and I was so cold. When I got out of beed I started chattering I was so cold. I ran to the sofa & grabed two blankets to try to warm up. Dakota came & sat by me, and DH turned up the heat & grabed the thenomiter. My temp 97.2. No fever and I am still cold when it's 75 degrees in our house. DH says I am nuts!

I desided I better get dress & put my hair back. (have not been curling it the past few weeks, just seems to pull on my abdomin to much) I just checked my temp as now I am starting to feel clammy, 99.6.

I am going to call the doctors office this morning and ask to speak with the nurse... I have questions about the blood work and the diagnoses of chronic inflammation. My main question is what is causing it? I don't think it's my incision, I think my incision is not healing because of it. I can already hear the nurse, well if something has changed in your condition come on in, or the doctor will talk to you about your results on Thursday when he see's you. ( he wants me to come in on thursday to talk about me being on depression medication & BP medications)

I know today is going to be a long hard day as it's monday & the phones will be ringing off the hook, since yesterday was a big avertising day and everyone has cabin fever & looking for a new job this time of year.

Well I just looked at the clock & I have to cruise as I have to be on the phones in 30 mins.
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Can't Sleep... 03-20-2005 - 12:05 AM
I just can't sleep right now. I have too much on my mind. I want to start working on our new place so bad, but the snow we received today is going to hinder us another two weeks or so, since we received about 16 inches. We need for it to melt & dry up around the area, as well as we need it to warm up. DH and I went to home depot today. I know I should of been resting, but I wanted to go with him to order our sink for the bathroom to make sure he got the right color. We ended up spending 3 hours there. I bought a bunch of stuff so that once it warms up DH is going teach me how to tape the joints of the walls so we can dry wall. My dad was joking with me tonight that I am in store for a big project taking this one on. But I have always wanted to work on reduing a house as a kid and interor design has been a big intrest of mine so I am really looking forward to this. Our lease runs out the end of July where we live right now. Our land lord is willing to let us out in May or June if we have our house done and I would so love to get into it by June. So DH & I desided again today to change the bathroom plans, so I am just sitting here thinking about how it will all flow.

It does not help that my incision is throbbing. I am going to try to take some tyonel 3 and put an ice pack on shortly to see if it will help. I can hear DH snooring zzz's.

I got my test results in the mail today from the blood work I had done on monday. The test he did this time must of been a diffrent test cause it has diffrent things on it. It still shows my total protein to be high. It shows that I have high GAMA as well. (what ever GAMA is). The pathologist diagonsis is Chronic Inflammation.

I really wish my GP would call me to explain this stuff instead of just sending it in the mail. I still have not gotten the urnie results yet.

I know some people say I should find a new doctor, but it's not that easy when our insurance company dictates who we can see, and your Primary care doctor (my GP) has to be the one to give you a referal to see anyother doctor if not the insurance will not cover one penny. We had to take DH's insurance this year cause my company changed there insurance were we would have no prescription insurance & with DH being diabetic we would not be able to afford the medication it would cost us almost $1000 a month for his meds.

I was so happy with how my incision was healing even though it seemed like it was taking for ever. But I new it would be healed in the next few weeks, now I am not so sure. I changed the bandage when I came home from home depot. DH had put on the old kind of bandage we where using the past 4 weeks last night because it is more exorbent. The pad part of it was full and just starting to go onto the gauze. I put the new bandage that she had given me last week on around 4 pm and I just checked it and it's almost time to change it again. I am just afraid to because I don't want it to bleed again. Going to try to wait until morning to change it when DH is up. This case if it does bleed again he can take me in.

Well all I am going to try to get a bit of shut eye, and dream about my new place.
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Two Steps Forward... Three Steps Backwords... 03-18-2005 - 08:57 PM
These where DH's words when he came home from work & I asked him to please look at my incision....

I was having pain on my right side today, more then normal... We were slow at work, but everyone that was calling in was calling in to find out about their application & if they where going to be hired by us. This ment that I had to get out of my desk many times today & go & get applications, which means bending. Yesterday was also a very busy day.

Around 10:00 am I went to the rest room & I could tell that my incision was bleeding by the bandage I had on and how it felt. When I went back to the rest room at 12:45 pm I was just starting to leak from the edges of my bandage. So I went to my team coordinator since my manager was gone for the day already & asked to go home. She had no problem with that and asked me if I was okay to drive... I said yes....She told me to call my doctor the GP or the wound specialist to let them know.

Well when I got home a little after 1 pm, I went into the bathroom to take the bandage off & blood came gushing everyware, I did not even have the chance to grab klenex before it was down my leg & all over my new jeans. I bleed through 3 handfulls of klenex, everytime I would remove it it would just run out of me. I am guessing that I bleed about a quarter of a cup or a little more. (wound specialist had said as long as under a cup not to worry before when I was bleeding) I was able to get a bandage on & held pressure and got the bleeding to slow down.

DH came home & cleaned it, he said it's about twice the size as it was yesterday. He said he could see that there was a hole where the blood was coming from & that with all the bending & up & down I do at work that he thinks it caused something to burst in me again. The hole right side of my abdominal / pelvic area is hurting... and it's pulsating... I took two tyeonal 3's about an hour ago & no relief yet.

I know I should of called the doctor like my tc sugested, but I was afraid too. Last time I called the wound specialist with a problem I was treated like crap for calling & chewed out at my next appointment, and I was afraid to call my GP cause I new he would not know what to do and at this point I fear he does not think my pain is real as it should only take 6-8 weeks to heal from an abdominal surgery.

I am depressed tonight about my set back, and the pain returning like this. I know the wound specialist said that if I had bleeding like that again to go to the ER if I felt that I needed to be seen instead of calling them, but I feel like they will laugh at me if I go to the ER as she did when I told her how I was bleeding. DH thinks there must be a blood vessel that keeps poping cause he said he can see that there is a deep hole.

It's been almost two months since I have reopened....for the second time... Why will I not heal?
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