I hadn't really thought about leaving a journal. but, I find that my thoughts are so jumbled these days that it may end up helping.
I don't think the reality of the hysterectomy has hit me yet. Or, maybe it is just that I truly don't realise what i am in for.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years this March. We have a daughter, 5, and a son, 4. Neither one of the children were planned, although I have to admit that somewhere in the back of my brain I knew we had to do it quickly. They are only 15 months apart. My DD was born only 1 year after Dh and I were engaged, 6 months after we were married. I never thought I wanted children, until I met him.
I have to thank God, although my faith wavers often.
When it comes to my children, I know He is real. i remember the nights they were concieved as being clearly different than any other night. I remember knowing, with both of them, before I took the test. I also knew that she would be a she and he would be a he.
And I think somewhere, deep inside, from the time i was about 15, i knew I would not have alot of chances.
My first problem was a pap smear at age 15. It came back abnormal. I had to have a cone biopsy and eventual cryosurgery for pre-cancerous cells. My periods were horrendous, embarressing 7-8 day ordeals, complete with migraines and nausea, crying and rage. In my house, you were completely comfortable though. I grew up in a home with a mother that was very open to any kind of discussion on female issues. She herself relished the fact that for 1 week you could act like a banshee and get away with it. She gave us permission to cry and to be mad. she allowed us to stay home from school because of cramps or just feeling blecchy. As long as we only did it once a month and still did our chores.
I never thought I was out of the ordinary, period wise. I heard other women complain about PMS and I just thought it was all part of the game.
In college, I had a guy friend as a roommate. He just happened to be home one morning. I was showering, getting ready for class, when cramps came on so severe, I fell in the shower.
I pulled a towl down off the rack and crawled into my room, yelling his name. I cannot describe the pain of a ruptured cyst. It is not simply menstrual cramps. Something inside of you ruptures. And you feel it. I suppose you could compare it to the peak of a labor pain lasting for about 20 minutes straight, for those that have had children. Or perhaps, appendicitis attack..although, I have never had one of those, so I am just guessing really.
I just had a woman stop by. I have worked with her all year and we are "passing by" friends. She came in after class to check on something superficial and then she shared her hystory with me. I am so touched. she heard thru that ever popular grapevine, then took it upon herself to offer comfort to me. I am almost in tears. I would have never known. She left her number, and asked me to call for any reason. she shared details that I am sure she knew I wanted to know but was a little to shy to ask. Thank God for people like her.
I think I will continue this journal entry tomorrow.