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chapelgate2's Blog
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Its Me Again 10-31-2006 - 08:33 AM
I have had to take another day off from work. I should be better by Thursday when I need to go back again. It is a little difficult to work when I sound the way I do. Even though I am feeling better today. It is really cold out today. I think I will take a nice hot bath and try to sleep the day away, that sounds good to me. Hey todays Halloween, my daughter is coming home today after being gone 6 weeks. We all will be very glad to see her. She made the Air Force Honor Roll while she was there. She will also earn another rank. As long as she doesn't get sent to Iraq, that is my prayer. Next week is when my son should be going into Baghdad. Thank you for your prayers, you will never know how much they mean to me. I am going to get my Bible down off the shelf and read a chapter right now.
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Monday Morning 10-30-2006 - 05:29 AM
I have been awake since 3:30 this morning. My body says its time to get up and thats it. I usually get 5-6 hours of sleep before that happens, sometimes not. I have lost my voice, I can only speak in a whisper. My Granddaughter told me yesterday "I have never lost my voice". I thought oh how well we know that. She is 5 and she talks constantly. She told me on Saturday " Grandma I love you but your voice sounds horrible". She is so funny. I received a email from my son. It was very nice and he said he stood in line just to email me so that made me feel good. He said he was in Kuwait and they were working them very hard to get them ready to go north. It is never very far away from me now. It is something that has really shook my world. I understand now what my Grandmother went through when my Dad was in WW2 as a tailgunner at 19 years old. His plane was shot down over Yugoslavia. He was taken prisoner of war by the Germans. He was marched for 500 miles to a prison in Germany. He was released on D-Day. He never spoke about it, now I know why. I have the telegrams the War Department sent to my Grndma when he was taken hostage. Its not just a far away war when a loved one is fighting in it. I think I will go try to lay down. Thanks again for all your support.
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Blue Star Flag 10-28-2006 - 12:09 AM
I have ordered my Blue Star Flag to hang in my window. I get really sad thinking about him over there and knowing he is going through so much stress in his mind. He will be in Kuwait for 2 weeks before he goes into Bagdad. You see my son has adult diagnosed ADD. I know he is going through hell right now in his mind, new enviroment, new culture, war time stress. I really feel for him. I slept 4 hours last night, he was the first person on my mind. I was so tired but I went to work anyway. When I get to work I get all involved in helping people. plus I enjoy the people I work with. The pay is low but the rewards in my heart is great.I went into a womans room tonight and just held her hand , she had just learned that her brother had died and she was in the hospital very sick. My voice wavered when I spoke to her and I felt such a love, compassion and empathy for her, she grabbed my hand and held it for a long time. It is the little things in life that means so much. I am starting to see that God is opening up my heart and eyes to his compassion and love for all. I must confess that my son has done many wrong things to me but it doesn't matter anymore. I just want him home safe and sound, every Mother's prayer, that sometimes gets answered differently than we wanted. I forgive him for everything absolutely everything, I just want him to come home safe and healthy, the past doesn't matter anymore, I only look to the future and expect bright things ahead, in the journey. I am strong because my strength lies in the Lord, he only can help me out of this mental torture. I can't say to myself "oh this isn't going on" or "its someone elses child not mine". I can't say that anymore, it is my son that is in a war that seems to have no victors. Please stay with me sisters through this journey. You are the best.
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Ponderings 10-25-2006 - 06:22 PM
I don't really know what is happening. I have felt kind of numb about it all, now it seems I am feeling everything. It feels like jagged slices of glass going into my heart. I have cried more today than I have in a long time. My husband is wonderful, he is so understanding and listens to me with his heart and not his brain. There is a difference. He tells me it is perfectly normal to be feeling the way I am feeling. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is that there is a realization that everything that is going on is out of my control. But most things are , that happen in life. I had some really angry dreams the other night: I woke up thinking I don't want to be that way. I don't want life to turn me into a bitter twisted wreck of humanity. I want to stand tall and be kind to everyone.
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Thank you, Thank you 10-21-2006 - 11:44 PM
I want to thank all you wonderful women for your insight and encouragement. It shows me that I am not alone in this journey. I am walking this path as others have before me,; I can't help thinking the last gift my son gave me was "Chicken Soup for a Grieving Soul". He gave it to me at my Mom's funeral but I took it deeper than that. He gave every family member a book. I wonder what is he thinking right now, what is he doing,? Yes I am proud of him,I would rather he go out in a blaze of glory then a whimpering mess. Maybe that is what he was trying to say to me.Please just stay with me as I journey in this journal. It is my life line. Thank you again, it means so much to me.
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Its Me Again 10-19-2006 - 09:50 PM
I just talked to my son on the phone. He actually called me. He is leaving Saturday. I tried to be really upbeat and positive with him. I can't tell him I feel like I am falling apart inside. He was telling me his funeral details if that should happen . I have always dreaded this day that one of my sons would go to war. I know that is very selfish but if anyone could tell me the real reason for this bloody war, I might be able to comprehend some reasoning for all of this madness. I guess I am stepping right now into the ranks of Mom's all over the world waiting for their sons and daughters to come home. I can only pray for the best, it is completely out of my hands. He was telling me that 3 young men in his battalion died this weekend from alcohol related accidents. He said he went to the memorials and he thought what the one kids Mom must be thinking, to have to tell her friends that her son died in his own vomit because of alcohol poisoning? My son has always had many escapes with death since he was young, and that is why I believe he will come home alive. But then he told me maybe his whole life has led him to this point to die honorably in war? Life is not a bed of roses.
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Thanks 10-18-2006 - 05:32 PM
Thank you for your prayers and understanding. I had a mini migraine today, mini in that it only lasted a couple hours, but the eye that it was over left it all bloodshot. I am so thankful that the pain went away. I bought a Yoga and a Pilates DVD's today. Hopefully I will really get into it and it help me unwind. I really don't believe antidepressants are for me. I try to be as natural as possible and I try to deal with my problems through hard work. I planted 60 bulbs today, red tulips and daffodils. I am going to have to buy some more, I have so many places I can plant them. I love bright colored flowers, that is another way I cheer myself up. I have been trying to talk my husband into getting another dog. Our dog that we had shipped from the Uk is a doberman and weighs about 75 pounds. If she sees any small dog she wants to attack it, so I want another dog that I can take out and walk with. Our dog is just to strong for me, she pulled me over and I scraped my arms and legs last time I took her. I told my husband that is his job from now on. I also want to make some really good friends and I think that will help me. I am really trying to be strong just like my Mom was. She refused to cry when whe knew she was dying. I never seen a tear in her eye, her last 2 weeks. I would cry and cry holding on to her and telling her I loved her and she would just pat me and tell me she loved me too, but she wouldn't cry. She was such a strong Christian woman, she accepted it all as God's will and that she was going to a better place. I am crying right now while I am writing this. It helps me to cry.I want to thank you again for your prayers and concerns. This journal is also my release by putting my thoughts and feelings down for others to read. You all are such a blessing to me.
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Times 10-17-2006 - 08:39 PM
I had a hard time at work today. I don't understand what is going on sometimes with my body or should I say mind? I just blank out, I have moments that I don't remember at all. I am under an emotional stress right now. My youngest son is going to Iraq on Sunday. He is very upset about it. I have always hated war movies because of the death and the killings and I knew someday I might have to face that some day with my own sons. I have three of them. My youngest son was the only one that played army when he was young. I can't get that out of my mind, I keep seeing him at 9 years old in his camoflauge, playing war in the woods of my Mothers house in Washington state. I really fight depression right now, and wonder many times is life worth all the hassle? When I seen my youngest brother drive away with my Mom's possessions three days after she died, something snapped in me. It was like I lost all attachments to material things. I love our nice new house and the things we have acquired so far but I am not attached to them. I think my Mothers death has had the profoundest impact on my life, more then losing my sister, brother and Dad. You are right her spirit lives within me. I do have depression but I am having a sense of moving on past the darkness. I attempt to treat each person that I care for in the hospital as if they were my Mom. I think how would I want them to be taken care of? I came home from work today thinking though perhaps I have taken on a job that is beyond my physical strength. I am so tired at the end of the day that I can barely move. But I have to go on because life is like that, I promise myself that I will never give up, no matter what. Life is to short ,to precious and as my Mom would say " we know not what tomorrow will bring".
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Hello, its me again! 10-06-2006 - 10:34 AM
I have been living again in America since August 8. I went back to my old job I had five years ago. Alot of the same people are there, which makes it nice. We have a big house and I live about 45 minutes from my daughter now. I have been busy planting winter pansies and weeding borders, that will keep me busy for a while. My health is holding out. I got my old job back mainly to pay for health insurance. I am not sure where to begin with finding a Dr. I guess I need to look for a gyno first. My son will be leaving for Iraq in a couple weeks. I miss my Mom deeply. I do my work at the hospital unto her. I treat each patient as if they were my Mom, and what kind of care I would want my Mom to have. I just wish I would have appreciated her beautiful spirit more when she was alive, I do now, but its a little to late. I really didn't realize what a treasure she was until it was all over and said and done. I feel her presence with me and her guidance even now.
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here I am 07-14-2006 - 02:45 AM
I am a little concerned about my health. I had a little bit of bright red blood this morning when I wiped. I haven't seen any blood since the third day after my surgery. It is another worrying thing, the cancer threat. I just have to continue on and hope for the best, thats all I can do. Most of the time I don't even think about the cancer that they found. I have a healthy appetite, I sleep well most nights, so I don't worry about it. My attitude is if it isn't cancer that kills me something else will. Brilliant deduction right? I have just came in from watering all my flowers and plants. I have to water twice a day if it doen't rain. I have 6 hanging baskets full of geraniums, fuscias, allysum and other bright spots. I have lilies, gladiolis, ferns, jasmine, honeysuckle, strawberries, chives, lavender, carnations, marigolds and various other plants growing in the borders. I tried to get some strong frangranced flowers and plants to increase the enjoyment of it. I ordered large amounts of bulbs and plants when I was laid up after surgery. Then when Mom died I had plenty to do to keep myself busy planting all the bulbs and plants. In May they kept arriving at the door nearly every day. I am sure the garden helped us sell our house so quickly , it is beautiful. I wish we would have been able to have gotten a water feature in it as we planned and that would have really completed it. In America we are going to have a beautiful garden again. My husband likes to do the hard landscaping as in building the deck, paving stones, walls, pergola, flower beds etc. He knows nothing about plants but he likes to go with me and helps me pick them out at the garden centers. I have lots of books on garden design and gardens. I really enjoyed one called Healing Garden. I just thought I would write today about something other than all my problems. Can't wait for my husband to come home. This has been the longest 2 weeks ever.
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the Valley 07-13-2006 - 03:23 AM
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. My husband has to take his test again on Sat, the suspense is terrible on me. I am going to go to the DR. this morning and try to get some help with this depression and anxiety. It won't go away. I was at work yesterday and thinking none of these people know what I am going through, they don't know I was seriously thinking of ending it all last week. They think I am just as happy as a lark, selling up, moving to America and having a idyllic happily ever after life with my helicopter pilot husband. Its not like that at all but they will never know. I don't have one person in my life I can confide in and trust. Even my husband as sweet as he is doesn't want to hear about problems or anything bad. He was raised in a family where they pride themselves that the children never heard an arguement. He won't argue, or discuss things , he just clams up if there is something wrong between us. In my family there was alot of arguing and negativity but no love shown either. I think there can be a balance of the two, I feel that just because people have differences doesn't mean they don't love each other. My baby grandson was beat and badly bruised all over his body in Feb by his carers husband. Since then it has just came out in all the state newspapers as it has gone to a preliminary hearing where the husband and wife have both been charged. They have pleaded not guilty even with all the evidence stacked against them. My 5 year old granddaughter is one of the major players in the trial as she was a witness of what happened that day. My daughter since then has had to quit her job because the baby has withdrawn into himself, and needs that extra love and attention. He is slowly just now starting to regain some his personality back. He was saying Mama , Da Da , night, night, and JuJu for his sisters name . After the incident he quit talking and is just now starting to say those words again. That is another one of the reasons I decided to move from here , probably the biggest reason. My son in law is a beginning insurance agent and they are just not making it financially without her income. My daughter called me last night and was reading me the article from the local paper and I was so upset when we hung up the phone. I am so angry at the man that did this to my grandson. It is a good thing I haven't been living there until now because I am afraid that I would have made a complete fool out of myself. Perhaps ended up in jail myself which defeats the purpose. These people even escaped jail when they were served warrants by posting bond money. They aren't allowed to run a home day care. So what do they do they post a ad in the paper to pick up elderly people and take them to appointments? Of course a 14 month old baby being beat unmercifully by a sick lowlife poor excuse doesn't deserve national coverage. I just wish it would all go away.
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Thank You 07-11-2006 - 10:05 AM
Thank you for your comments, they all meant alot to me. I am doing much better I think. It is one day at a time. I can see now that I have become to dependent upon my husband. He likes me to need him but for my self esteem I need to make choices for myself, right or wrong. It has been so quiet here. I have been off work for these last 2 days. I am looking forward to being close to my daughter and grandkids. My daughter calls me everyday here.Thats nice. Today is the day, fingers crossed that my husband gets his commercial helicopter pilots licence. I won't know until about 1:00 tonight because of the time difference, there is 7 hours.thanks again for all your nice comments, I could tell they were really sincere and thats what I need right now.
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Listening to my heart 07-08-2006 - 01:31 PM
I think I just walked out of a long , dark tunnel. As in a after death experience, I see the light. I am going towards it. Earlier this week I got out all my codeine tablets and lined them up on my kitchen counter. I looked at them for a long time, deciding if it was the right decision or not to take all of them. I had convinced myself that my husband had left me for good, when he went to America this week. We have a perfect relationship, but I don't trust perfectness.That means there is something hidden that can go wrong. My computer went out the day he left. I was convinced he had pulled a cable on it. I was also convinced that he was in America spending my inheritance from my Mom before I could. I drank almost a half a bottle of expensive French Brandy that day. I cried the whole day. I decided to put the tablets away, and wait and see what happens. My husband is still just as sweet as ever to me. In fact when he heard that our computer was broke down and how upset I was he told me to go and pick out the laptop computer I wanted and put it on his charge card. What makes me so distrustful? We have been married for 4 years and they have been wonderful years. But I look in the mirror and I look at myself aging so quickly now. He tells me he is in love with the real me, the nice person that I am. I think I have always placed my values on stupid things and not on the real things that matter. I am going to America, my home, and I think I will find myself there. I have had a hell of a year so far with a whole hosts of things going wrong,but yet going right. Its all in the flow of life. My Mom's death was the the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. I have seen my Dad die, my brother die at 30, my sister at 47, but my Mom's death was the most heart wrenching event I have ever been through. Here I was 6 weeks after my surgery, virtually taking care of my dying Mom, with noone to help me. I put on a brave face, but believe me I was in adrenelin mode to get me through. The family that was there were no help at all. In fact one part of the family , a cousin, I never ever want to see again after that. I actually washed my Moms body after she passed for the coroner We had to take her ashes by car 120 miles and I had to carry her ashes to the grave site. I haven't been able to handle that one in my head. You see my Mom was the only one that loved me with a unconditional love all my life. I did alot of things she didn't agree with but she never judged me. I know my Mom lives on in my heart. Another thing that got me so down earlier in the week was that I was talking with my brother on the phone and I spoke about feeling my Mom's presence with me and I asked him if he felt her presence? and he said "no she is dead, and I don't feel any presence". That really hurt me, I felt it was very uncaring and callous.I am better now, I have made it through 1 week of my husband being gone. One more week. Thank God.
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So tired 07-08-2006 - 10:02 AM
I just got home from work. I am so very tired. I am trying to get motivated to just go soak in the bath. It is so quiet now with DH gone and its just me and the dog. Think I will go lay down for a bit, I will write more later.
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Hello 07-06-2006 - 05:15 PM
I know it has been awhile since I have written. I have been very busy.We have sold our home in the Uk and we are moving to America in August. I will be lving near my daughter and my two grandchildren. Major changes in my life this year. At this moment I am not coping very well. My husband is in America for 2 weeks achieving his commercial helicopter pilots licence. I have not felt well today at all. I hope that it is just a minor thing and I will be better tomorrow. Sitting here writing this and I am having a nice cup of tea, very soothing.I have a feeling that it could be that I am in need of some hormones. I had a implant at the time of my surgery. It has really helped me, but I have been very weepy this week and not feeling well at all. I will go see my Dr tomorrow. Just last week I was feeling really good, getting alot accomplished. This week my whole body aches and I can barely move without my joints hurting. I miss my Mom every day. I told my husband the other day it is not like one day I will wake up and say ok I am over that one. I told him when your Mom dies you will always miss her, and I will miss my Mom until the day I die and on that day she will be the first one to greet me. I don't talk about missing her because he doesn't understand,yet.
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Hello Everyone 05-17-2006 - 04:55 AM
Just trying to maintain. I have survived once again a major loss in my life. I miss her so much and I do feel her presence everytime my heart cries out for her. It is still hard to understand that she is really gone. I will be seeing all my family next week. I will get to be with all my grandkids. I know she will be there in the midst of us. She wouldn't have wanted to have missed that for the world. I was thinking today there is really nothing, no material thing that would make me happy. But being with my children once again and being around my grandchildren , spending time with my husband, makes me happy. So when it all comes down to what are the most valuable posessions in my life? My family . Why didn't I realize that a long long time ago? Older, wiser, shell shocked I guess. My Mom's death has been a major shaking up in my life plus this surgery and the cancer. I know life is precious and sweet now. No matter what happens I will make it through. I went for my first cancer checkup yesterday. Nothing abnormal. Life is good.
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Sorry 05-03-2006 - 05:40 PM
sorry for not writing as much. I will get back , I promise I will. It is Mom's birthday on Sunday. I still can't believe she is gone. She would have been 80. But you wouldn't have believed it if you knew her and saw her.
To Mom
You are so beautiful,
You are alive to me,
I hear your voice,
I feel your touch,
I love you so much.
If I could only hug you,
and give you a present or two,
I would give everything I own,
for just a moment ,
in your presence,
beyond the skies,
that are so blue..

I know this is a stupid poem but I need to express myself right now because I don't feel anyone around me understands, how much I miss her and love her. She was a good Mom, there is no greater tribute .I will be able to put flowers on her grave the end of this month as I am traveling back home then.
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Hello 04-27-2006 - 05:37 PM
Just in case you have missed me here, I thought I would write a few lines. I have gone back to work and it has been a real stretch of my physical stamina. I am doing well emotionally and physically now. It still hits me that I will never see my Mom again but then I tell myself life must go on. Or as they say here in the Uk" to live is necessary". After any grief we have to go on living or we waste the life that God has given us. I felt her standing by me today as I was working. I wondered what she was trying to tell me. She will always be alive in my heart. I have my first onocolgy appointment next Tuesday.I can hear my Mom say " we know not what tomorrow will bring."She told me that when I told her that the Dr's had found cancer in my uterus. I just remembered that, I could hear her voice saying it. Its strange the human memory.
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The Light 04-10-2006 - 03:43 PM
It was the morning after my Mom had passed. 4:30 AM to be exact. I was in the bed with my daughter and we had slept like babies exhausted from grief and the emotions of the day. I slowly opened one eye and I felt the caressing sunlight of the day and seen it shining in through the window. I snuggled in the bed and thought oh this is so nice it is going to be a beautiful day. My daughter said she had woke up thinking the same thing at the same time. I got up out of bed and I said oh I could have swore that the sun was shining in through the window and my daughter said me too. The only light was the computer light. The blinds were closed and it was still dark outside. The window in the bedroom faced the west, so it was impossible we had felt the sun's rays. It was a heavenly visitation of comfort .Perhaps it was an angel, perhaps it was Mom, but we both seen the sunlight and felt it upon us.
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Softness of My Soul 04-09-2006 - 02:18 PM
Today I am missing her more than ever. I miss her voice, I miss her touch, I miss that she is not on this earth. I haven't cried for at least a week now. It finally found me again. I thought maybe I had escaped once more the rolling waves of grief, that washes over my soul. Today, I curl up in a ball and just remember her. I remember her smile, her way of greeting me after she hadn't seen me in a long time. I see her walking away from me down a long road waving goodbye. The child in me grieves for her Mom.I had her for 53 years,am I not supposed to grieve because it is a process of life? I look for signs from her to show me she is around. Yellow, the color yellow reminds me of my Mom. Yellow is cheerful, Yellow means please return to me as in tie the yellow ribbon around the old oak tree. Yellow is bright like the sun. There are yellow daffodils by the thousands in bloom here all along the roads. I always find comfort every time I see one. I find a softness I never had before as I go in this journey of grief. I almost welcome it when it comes knocking at the door now.Somehow deep within me I know this grief brings me even closer to her presence. Through the tears I find comfort in the beautiful images of a wonderful person. I didn't appreciate the daffodil's last year as I do this year. Change and the renewal of spring is in the air.I shall stop, look and listen this year,for I might hear her voice in the wind, see her smile in a flower, and feel her caress in the sunlight. Thank you grief, you are changing me, thank you.
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04-08-2006 - 06:20 PM 04-08-2006 - 11:20 AM
I almost have completed my second week of work. This week has been easier. I am not as tired. I am still keeping my food diary but not to count calories or points but just to write down what I eat and drink and how I feel emotionally and physically at the time. I hope that it will shed some light on why I have mood swings, why I binge, why I have aches and pains some days and other days I don't. I have lowered my sugar intake to the bare minimum and there is a difference in the way I feel. My weight hasn't gone down any in a weeks time but I think my body is going through a real big adjustment right now. I am standing on my feet at work at least 7 hours out of the day. I still have swelly belly, so I just have to be patient. I am still haunted by my Mom's death. I try to forget but it is there. I just can't believe I carried my Mom's ashes to the gravesite.I can't get that out of my head. There are so many things I want to just put behind me and they won't go away. I was thinking today that I am a woman of inner strength and I will overcome this. No matter what pressure is on me I will just come out stronger.
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Better 04-04-2006 - 05:13 AM
I am feeling better within myself. I almost completed my first week of work. On Sat I was in the lab carrying some media bottles and I felt this big sneeze coming on. I didn't have time to put the bottles down . I sneezed from my stomach area and I must have strained a muscle in the surgery area. I went to work on Sunday and the pain was actually making me nauseated so I went home. But after lots of rest I am better today. It is amazing how fragile, delicate we are after this surgery. I thought I was well on the way to recovery because I was able to do stomach exercises again. But obviously I am not. My mental attitude is better because I have decided to do something about my state of mind, my weight, and most of all my health. I have been on a perpetual diet since I was about 22 years old. I am 53. I was feeling pretty disgusted with myself about this as I have lost all my weight a few times reaching goal , only to gain it all back again, within a few short months. Isn't that amazing we diet for a year then gain it all back again within a few short months? I decided I am going o settle this issue once and for all. I have never approached it from the psychological aspect of it. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I eat when I am not hungry? Why do I lose the weight, look great, feel great, and go right back to eating all the wrong foods again? I searched the web, I started looking deep within my own self. I came up with a few answers that were startling to me. I was sabotaging myself. I have always had a battle with low self esteem. My out of shape , unhappy fat self was a reflection of my inner hatred for my own self. I never thought about my body when I was a young girl or teenager. I was very slim but weight was not a issue. But I remember looking at myself at about age 10 in the mirror and punching myself in the face and saying I hate you, I hate you. I didn't hate my face, I hated me, the inner me, the me that didn't feel loved by anyone, but most of all by myself. I didn't love me. Since I didn't love me, the inner me, I couldn't give the outer me the attention and care it needed. I would go on a diet just because its not nice to be fat in this society. Its not fun to shop for clothes. But that is not a enough reason to keep the weight off. Because there is more people overweight today than ever before. So I can be overweight now and I don't stand out in the crowd because 3/4 of the crowd is in the same boat. The shops even cater now to the big girls and give us lovely clothes to wear as we indulge ourselves in every food we can stuff in our mouth's with our pudgy little hands. It is not that earth shattering to be overweight anymore. So besides an occasional whim to lose a few pounds , where can I find this deep motivation that will steer me forever to the healthy side of thin? I don't think I will ever be anorexic, I do have a preoccupation for food. But it is to eat it ,not to not, eat it. I want to eat everything I possibly can and still be healthy, happy and wise. So I have said this to get to this point that I am trying to make. I have found a book that is totally fascinating, I will give you the authors name and you make your own assumptions as to the truth.
Her name is Kathleen DesMaisons,PH.D, Addictive Nutrition
I can tell a big difference in my mood swings . I am not weighing myself because I am focusing on healing my inner me by making a few adjustments in my diet. Oh and by the way, I do not hate myself anymore. I have a new found respect for myself through my Mother's passing. She said good things would come from her passing and this is one of them.
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04-01-2006 - 07:24 PM 04-01-2006 - 11:24 AM
I started back to work this week. It is so hard on me physically. The first two days I just came home and collapsed on the sofa. Today I worked a different shift, one more day then I am off two days. It is month today since Mom passed. I am so down its unbelievable. It becomes more of a reality with each day that passes by, I miss her more. I can't believe she is gone. It is unbelievable the heartache that we bear when our loved ones pass. I will never be the same. Hopefully when I get to the other side of this grief I will be a better person. I cannot bear to say that my Mom has died, she will never die , her memory will live forever. I feel that the people at work are thinking oh just get on with it, she was old anyway. One woman said to me did she die of old age? How insensitive can one be? It was like if she was old then it was ok that she died. For petes sake she is my Mom it doesn't matter how old she was.Obviously that woman has not lost her Mom yet. And another said oh just remember the good memories. It was like she was saying oh just wrap it all up in a nice little box, put it away on a shelf and it won't hurt you, anymore. Wouldn't that be nice? grief is unexplainable. It is like the ocean, it rolls in, it rolls out. I have no control over when it is going to happen. I miss my Mom and noone is going to have the words to say that will make it all go away. I appreciate just a simple, I am sorry about your Mom. That is all I need to know or hear.
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The Jewelry Box 03-26-2006 - 03:43 PM
I have a cousin that stayed with Mom the last five weeks of her life. She basically took everything she could get in her suitcases when she left that was of sentimental value. My Mom loved to shop and had some really nice clothes, my cousin went through my Mom's wardrobe the night she left and took out everything that was good . I had some clashes with my cousin a couple times during the week we were both there together. I decided to let some things slide because I didn't want to upset Mom about it. Now everyone thinks my cousin was an angel and the martyr that stayed with my Mom during her last days on this earth. Actually she was there to get her hands on anything valuable that she could take with her and me not know about it, until it was to late. I was really upset about this until I was going through Mom's jewelry box and my daughter and I noticed a secret compartment in it. And there was the earrings my Dad had bought my Mom at least 25 years ago. They are ruby and diamonds and really pretty. There were all kinds of necklaces and earrings. I told my daughter you choose the ones you want and I will take the rest. I just knew that if my cousin would have known about them being there she would have taken them also. I have cousins that I will never go see now because of what she did. I feel really bad that my Mom had to see all her things disappear in front of her eyes, by the time I got there it was all pretty well packed in her suitcases. I cannot let this affect me in unforgiveness. I had the best present of all , a Mom that loved me unconditionally. I can carry that in my heart the rest of my life and noone can steal that from me.

He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 1John 4:8
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Better 03-24-2006 - 01:19 PM
Good day today. No tears. I am amazed at how emotional creatures we women are. Yesterday I was in the valley of doom, today I am walking in the sunshine. I don't understand it. I really think sometimes our diets really affect our emotions. If I have alot of sugar, I go up and down like a yo-yo in my moods. If I just eat a balanced healthy diet, I am much more balanced. The only problem is balanced and healthy usually means boring. Surely there must be a happy medium. It has been a very quiet day, as is every day here. It is a rarity to see a car go by our house. I start back to work next week, oh joy. No really, I am looking forward to it. I am so bored. Don't worry I won't tell them that, they would think I had gone off my rocker. I haven't worked since the third week of December. But it is exactly the right timing to go back. Everything happened with Mom during this time. I am also just to the point where I don't have any more pulling pains when I lift anything. Emotionally and physically I feel that I am ready. I have my first three month check up for cancer the end of May. But as I said I am not worrying about that. Life is to short to worry.

Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; for you are with me. Psalms 23:4
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Memories 03-23-2006 - 12:25 PM
My brother gave Mom's eulogy at her memorial service. He said he had had been thinking he wanted to do it for the last five years. He spent $300 for a black suit and he looked so hamesome when he stood up there. He was the one that lived close to Mom for the last years and had her move closer to him so he could keep a eye on her. We didn't really think he could do it without breaking down. But he did it so well she would have been so proud. Its just me and my 2 brothers left now. Originally there was 5 children and my parents. My brother was killed in a car accident when he was 28. My sister of course you know died from cancer at 48 and now my Mom from cancer at 79.My Dad was 72 when h died of a major heart attack. Some pleople think that its just a part of life and because I am older , it is just a natural order of things. But its not like like that when you lose your parents. It doesn't matter how old you are it hurts worse than you could ever imagine if you haven't gone through it. My Mom was our comfort zone. She was always the same, always loved us the same. She may have done more for one than the other but she never made excuses. She lived her life exactly the way she wanted to live it. My brother that gave the eulogy was in bed a couple weeks before she went into the gloryland. All of a sudden the nursery rhyme came into his mind " The three little kittens they lost their mittens and they began to cry "oh mother dear come here, come here, for our mittens we have lost". Oh it was so plainitive of the way we feel right now, we have lost our comfort zone. She is the one that taught us all the nursery rhymes. She also read to us every night when we were children from a childrens Bible story book. I can remember leaning on her , listening intently as she read about "Daniel and the Lions Den". The reason I remember is that she was heavily pregnant with my youngest brother. He was supposed to be a girl. Of course in those days you didn't know before hand. But in the grand scheme of things, it had been girl, boy, girl, boy, and he was supposed to be a girl. He was going to be named "Debbie" but alas when he entered this world he was far from a "Debbie". I can remember running home from school on the day he came home from the hospital. I lifted the blanket in the bassinet, and thought " I have been waiting all this time for this scrawny little bird?". I was so disappointed. I thought he would be big enough to play with. I was 6 years old. It is funny the memories that we keep.

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches,
And loving favour rather than silver or gold.
The rich and poor meet together:
The Lord is the maker of them all. Prov 22:1-2
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03-22-2006 - 01:56 PM 03-22-2006 - 06:56 AM
It is a better day today except I had this entry allmost finished and the aol went out on me. That makes me so mad. I really get into what I am writing sometimes and it really gets to me when that happens. I am on netscape right now, don't have as many problems, hopefully. I have found out I can exercise now with no pulling pains, that has really uplifted my mood. There is hope. As far as the cancer is concerned I am not going to concern myself with it. When they tell me it has reappeared then I will concern myself with it, not until then. I am just going to live and take in deep breaths of life every day that I have left on this earth. Since my Mom and her 6 sisters and my only sister all died from cancer, it is a fairly safe bet I will also. But my Mom lived until 79 and didn't know she had cancer until the last four months of her life. I am 53 and have had four children seen them grow up and have children. I have 4 grandchildren. I have lived to see the potential in them to be the great human beings that my children are. I have seen alot of life, traveled around the world, and shall continue to do so as my Mom would say Lord willing. Life is in the living and I am going to live it.

Favour is deceitful and beauty is vain:
But a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands;
And let her own works praise her in the gates. Prov31:30-31

When my Mom passed away we had emails come from all over the United States, Albania and Bulgaria praising her for her good works that she had done for people. Her death was even announced in the Albanian and Bulgarian Newspapers.My little Mom, she was so humble and sweet. I miss her so much.
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Determined 03-21-2006 - 02:02 AM
I wasn't going to write in my journal today. But this determination rose up within me to do something, no matter what it is , do something. As a warning if you are depressed don't let me get you more depressed. I feel blah, that is the best word to describe myself. I am just plodding along in life as if I was walking in a muddy bog barefooted, trying to get somewhere fast.It ain't never going to happen, at this rate. I am in a state of inertia. I must admit I have the best husband in the world. He is always so cheery and upbeat. He does make me smile.I try to get mad at him but he always makes me laugh. Our dog Jaz a doberman just looks at me with those big, beautiful ,sad ,doe eyes as if to say"I know, I feel the same way you do." And, to top it all off this is the clincher, I gained 10 lbs in one month. That is the large portion sizes in America and me thinking I could comfort eat and only gain a couple pounds. I am either retaining alot of water or my metabolism has finally tilted to the way overboard. I have got to get a hold of this weight gain.Guess I will go get ready for the day. Scripture for the day-

If you faint in the day of adversity,Your strength is small. Prov 24:10

That is thought provoking and very pointing at my life right now. I have a choice to give up or to keep walking down the road of life. Just maybe, better things are waiting for me around the corner.
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03-20-2006 - 06:36 PM 03-20-2006 - 11:36 AM
Don't read this if you are depressed because it will not be uplifting, believe me. I am so depressed today , so far down in the barrel that I cannot see the light of day. I could just curl myself up in a ball and stay that way. But I won't because I am a fighter and I will fight my way out of this depression. I have had a headache all day. I think the reality is starting to set in that Mom is really gone. I won't ever see her again. I just can't face it right now without a really big emptiness in my heart. Everything is gray. I miss her so much but it is beyond a missing feeling, it is emptiness, hollowness. I have always heard all my life it is something you never get over, your Mom passing. I think it is true. I was fine yesterday, today I am down in the valley. It hasn't even been a month yet. One morning we were having breakfast together. She wanted me to fix her oatmeal every morning until the last one. We always enjoyed talking together over breakfast. I told her then that the Dr's had found cancer when I had my hystero. She just shook her head back and forth and thanked me for telling her. I just couldn't keep it a secret from her, her and I never had secrets in important things. I guess it wouldn't have mattered whether I told her or not, but it mattered to me. I might have already written this, I am so bewildered right now, who knows?
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Home Now 03-17-2006 - 07:49 AM
We arrived back in the Uk yesterday. I am glad to be home. I have lots of unpacking to do. Still feeling a little weary from the jet lag. I am looking forward to just getting back in the routine of daily living. I had some really good sleep last night . I will write more later when I feel more with it. Glad to be home though.
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Adjusting 03-11-2006 - 09:47 PM
I am still here in America, I will be going back to the UK on Wed. It has been a long three weeks, and I am definitely ready to go home. I have been exhausted with taking care of my Mom and all the emotions that go with her passing. It has been hard from the day I got here, dealing with relatives attitudes. I wish that there was more peace in our family. But it seems that Mom was the glue holding us all together and with her passing there is so much hurt and division. I am trying to smooth things out as they pop up but it is difficult. People seem to make it their own personal tragedy that Mom has passed on, but the real ones that are hurting are my brothers and I that are left. I have decided to move back to America since being here, and sometimes I wonder about my decision as far as relatives are concerned. I think its easier living in a different country. But I need to come back to see my grandchildren and my children more often. Thats all there is to it. I really miss Mom alot, I feel such a big hole in my heart sometimes it is unbelievable the pain that grief can try to squeeze out of a person. I was really strong during the memorial service for her sake. I didn"t lose it because she wouldn't have wanted me too. I have to be strong for her. I will write more later, husband wants me for something.
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A Beautiful Homecoming-Mom's Passing 03-02-2006 - 05:22 AM
She finally made it home yesterday at 7 in the morning with the sun brightly shining. She was surrounded by my two brothers and I and my daughter. She had struggled all night with death, not wanting to go. My brother tried to soothe her , my other brother came and put my Dad's Bible under her hand, and I began to quote scripture to her. She had moaned all night and we were all resigned to the fact she was going. We had spent weeks of pouring love on her and she had poured her love on us back. As I quoted the scriptures, I finally said "Lord Jesus into your hands I commit her spirit"and she smiled real big and died. We all justed started laughing , crying, praising the Lord , and thanking him for taking her out of her suffering. It was the most beautiful homecoming anyone could have. I feel very privledged and honored to have been a part of this. I shall always comfort myself with these scenes that she truly is happy and at peace with her Lord and Saviour and all her family that has gone on before. Grief is a long road that we must all walk down in our life when we lose our loved ones but mine was made a bit brighter by my Mom's last minutes. I had a wonderful Mom and she left her children and grandchildren a wonderful example and legacy of love for all , rich or poor, black or white,babies, children, adults, she loved them all. She is a beautiful saint in heaven today shouting the praises of God and for that I am so very blessed. She was a poor girl from Indiana that rose to be a beautiful Christian missionary that traveled the world over by herself in her latter years. I doubt if the funeral home will hold all the people that will be coming for her funeral tomorrow. She shall be greatly missed but I was truly honored to have her as my Mom for 53 years. I shall be eternally grateful to God for the privledge of having a Mom like her.
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A hello From Mom's 02-23-2006 - 02:19 PM
I have been at my Mom's now for two days in Boise, Idaho. I thought I was going to here for a week but I could end up being here for three. I am very much needed here as my cousin is not well herself. She has been the main carer for my Mom. She might go home for 2 weeks to get somethings done in her life. My Mom is not doing well at all. She was really bad the first night that I was here. But they have made some adjustments on her medication and she seems to be a bit better. She isn't as nauseous but she is weaker and sleeping more. I am so glad I came when I did and it looks like it won't be much longer. I finally broke down today and told her about the cancer that was found in me. She is concerned but she was so glad that I told her. I am also glad, because I kept feeling like I was hiding something from her. My Mom and I have always been very close.I don't know why I thought I couldn't tell her. The first night I was here I cried all night. I slept on the floor last night by her bed to make sure she didn't try to get up by herself. I am going to get a air matress today to sleep on tonight. This is a sad time but a soul searching time for our family. I seen a cousin that I hadn't seen in forty years. My son that wouldn't speak to me has phoned and we have reconciled our relationship. So as my Mom says through her death good things will happen for all us. I wish you all the best and I will definitely be back to encourage and console as I have been encouraged and consoled. Love you all- Cath
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Down 02-18-2006 - 08:57 AM
Well this is my journal and I really don't know what I would do if I couldn't express myself here. I try to encourage other women on this site and many encourage me daily. It is such a blessing. I planted bulbs today, many, many bulbs. I am really tired now but it needed done. To tell you the truth I am so down. I feel so void, that is a good word for it. Like someone took all the wind out of my sails. I really think in a way it is because my choices for my life are limited now. Before Tuesday, I couldn't make my mind up about what I wanted to do with my life. Whether we should sell up here, move back to America so I could be closer to my family or stay here and dig our roots in deep. I was driving my husband mad, because he is willing to do either one but I was tossed back and forth, sometimes on the same day. Now it is settled. We are staying here, I would never be able to afford the health care in America.Deep down I wanted to stay here because this is the first time I have ever owned a house since I was very young with my first husband. I love this house, we have worked hard to make it our own little paradise. But I was torn between our wonderful life here and being near my grandkids and my children. The fate is sealed now for a few years anyway. I think this is a real depression that is trying to settle in on me. It is something that I can't just shake away, or ignore it and it will go away. I don't want to whinge, or have a pity party, this seems to be a physical depression that is just there. I will start to feel like the old Cath then it comes right back on me. Where do I go from here, I don't know? I think I will go to bed.
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A Prayer For Those Getting Older 02-17-2006 - 06:02 PM
Lord, You know that I am growing older.

Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed
with the idea that I must express myself
on every subject.

Release me from the craving to straighten out
everyone's affairs.

Keep me from the recital of endless detail.
Give me wings to get to the point.

Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my
aches and pains. They are increasing with
the years and my love to speak of them
grows sweeter as time goes by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally
I may be wrong.

Make me thoughtful but not nosey;
helpful but not bossy.

With my vast store of wisdom and experience it
does seem a pity not to use it all. But You know,
Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

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Musings 02-17-2006 - 12:09 PM
Its evening time now. Its getting dark so much later. I am depressed. I have been fine all day then depression just settled on me like a dark cloud. I don't think I will ever be the same after that cancer diagnosis on Valentines day. I just feel so quiet inside like someone took all the air out. Things that used to be important to me, suddenly are no longer important. I mean its just so life changing to have that diagnosis. I can't ignore it and it will go away. I can't blame anyone. Every pain that I used to have in my stomach and vaginal area and I would accept as part of the healing process, I now question , is that the cancer pulling and hurting? It is depressing. I will overcome this, I know I will. Everything I have thought negative about before my hystero has come true. i thought I would die in surgery, I almost did. I thought they would find cancer since my sister died of cancer 10 years ago. They did. I really thought I had escaped until my 6 week check up. Now I feel that it will be found somewhere else. I pray and hope that I am wrong this time. I remember when I was in the hospital, I was so grateful to be alive. I had such a overwhelming empathy for all women all over the world that have all these female problems. Even the word women signifies our idenity lies in our womb. Womb men, the two main problems we have all our lives, our wombs and men. Hey that was a good one Cath. Pat myself on that back for that one. You see I can jump from depression to elation in 5 minutes flat. Because I am a woman, so there. Now I have turned silly. I just want to get on with life. I had a package come today of about 100 summer flowering bulbs. I went through this gardening phase last month after my surgery and ordered about £75 worth of bulbs and plants. They will be arriving all spring as the weather warms up. I will be one busy lady getting all these bulbs planted. Do you want to know the funny thing? I don't really know to much about it. This should be interesting. I wanted a healing garden, with blues, purples and yellows. I don't know how I have ordered every colour under the sun. I have lots of glads that are very tall plants. I am going to end up with hundreds of bulbs when they all start multiplying. I think I have a bunch of seeds coming also. This should be very interesting. My husband will think I have completely lost it, when I try to find room for all of them. I will put lots of them in pots. See I have cheered myself up just talking about my garden and plants. i used to think gardens were only for old people. Since living hee in the Uk I have a new healthy respect for gardening and that it is for all ages. There are so many garden design programs here, I love to watch them.
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Tired, Just plain tired 02-17-2006 - 09:33 AM
Today is going ok. I have done a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I am so tired but I need to keep myself moving to overcome this extreme tiredness I wake up with every morning. My husband told me today that if I decide to stay at my Mom 's longer than a week than to go ahead. I have 6 more weeks off of work, I might stay a month, who knows. I will be able to get on hystersisters at my Moms. I am better today within myself. I haven't thought much about the cancer coming back. I felt fairly strong. Then I sat down at the table just having a mid afternoon snack, and just started weeping. What is that all about? I don't know. Tears, we women can shed tears by the buckets, why is that? Why are we such emotional creatures? I sure don't know. I will write more later, I am getting very sleepy.
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Life doesn't play fair 02-16-2006 - 02:25 PM
I think I am feeling better today then yesterday. I feel a little bit more in control. Yesterday after receiving the cancer diagnosis I felt like I jumped from a airplane without a parachute. I wasn't prepared for what has happened. I thought I was in the clear. In my mind if I had cancer cells they would have told me in the hospital because I was there for 6 days.But I was wrong, again. Just 5 more days and I will be seeing my Mom, son, grandson, and my 2 younger brothers. I am really looking forward to seeing all of them. Oh and I think my second son will be there also from Seattle. He is a boat builder. It will be really good to be around family. It has been a year since I have seen all of them. It has been 5 years since I seen my youngest brother. I am trying to not dwell to much on the fact that it will be the last time I see my Mom. I am a Christian, so I have the hope of seeing her again but not in this life, in the next one. I hope. I am so tired, tired, tired. Hopefully I will get some energy soon.


I wish you wouldn't go away,
I wish you were here to stay,
I love you so,
Please don't go.
There is so much we didn't say,
We let the days get away,
slipping by, year after year,
as if we would always be here.
The time has come ,
the angels are at the door,
could I just have another lifetime more?
A life time of hugs , a life time of smiles,
a life time of family holidays, a life time
of your loving ways.
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New Season 02-15-2006 - 07:03 AM
I don't know how I feel today. It is the strangest feeling to be told you had cancer, now you don't have cancer, but you are considered a cancer patient now.My mind can't take it all in. I didn't sleep well last night and I only slept 5 hours. Thats ok I wll sleep tonight. I am going next Tuesday to see Mom. I just can't tell her. I would love to tell her but I don't want her to be worrying about me right now. She never worries about herself but she worries about everyone else. She has the best attitude to be dying, I just can't believe how calm and happy she is. She has four friends that she has been friends with for about 35 years that drove 1500 miles to come see her for a couple of days. My cousins from Indiana have flown out to take care of her taking turns. My friends can't even travel 10 miles to come see me. But then again to have a friend you must be a friend. I have always been a bit more of a loner. People really like me that I work with but its all shallow relationships anyway, just work friends. I have met some very nice people on this site.I remember when I was 9 or 10 there was a beautiful little girl my age, that went to the same church as we did. She had golden blonde curls, blue eyes, creamy complexion. Her name was Jeanie. Well one morning my Mom said to me "they had to take Jeanie to the hospital and she has throat cancer". I think that is the first time I heard of cancer. My Mom told me she woke up one morning and had a hard time swallowing and couldn't breathe and they had to rush her to the hospital. In my childs mind, it wasn't to long after that that she went home on the angels wing. It really deeply affected me. I had a choice to go to her funeral or a matinee and I chose the matinee. I couldn't bear the thought and I am so glad my Mom didn't tell me I couldn't but gave me a choice. Many times over my life time I have thought of Jeanie and wondered why she couldn't have lived her life out. Not to long after she passed her Mom got cancer and went home to meet her daughter also. It was so sad. I can see both of them so clearly in my mind's eye.Last night right after I went to sleep I had a dream about my son that is not talking to me right now. I dreamed I saw him in a store. I went to hug him and there was no response back from him. That is really how it could happen. Before my hyster I wrote a letter to all my loved ones in case I didn't make it through the surgery and he wrote me a really nasty letter back. I just can't make myself write him after that. It was like I stuck my hand in a snake pit by writing him, and I am not ready for the venom that comes out of his mouth right now. I love him but until he apologizes there is nothing I can do about our relationship. On a different subject I am more concerned about myself because my husband seems so concerned. He keeps looking at me with these worried eyes. He never seemed worried when I was going to have the hyster. Now he seems really worried and keeps asking me if I am ok. Fingers crossed my mammogram will come back clear in a month.
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Valentines Day 2006 02-15-2006 - 01:53 AM
Yesterday I went for my six week check up. I thought it was going to be fairly routine. I told my husband we would wait a hour and be in and out of there in 5 min. I was very wrong. I was told instead at that time that in my path report they had found cancer in the lining of the uterus, endometrial cancer. It was self contained, stage 1 and that all that my mind took in. I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach, I went into a daze. He said that I was one of the lucky ones because of having the large fibroid and having to have a hystero because of it, the cancer was found at a early stage. I thought oh ok thats nice they found the cancer, thats it. No now I am considered a cancer patient and I have to be followed up for the next 2 years every three months, and then every six month for a year. I was given a list of phone numbers I could phone day or night if I have any problems. I walked out of there with my head in a spin, I thought they were just going to tell me I could have sex now and resume most of my normal activities.And that would be it. I also found out that originally I was told I was going to have a TAH BSO and then after I had the surgery , I was told no you had a SAH because we had to leave the cervex. I was a little upset because my Mother had cervical cancer cells 25 years ago and had a hyster because of it. But then after he did the exam yesterday, he told me that I didn't have my cervex. Whew! I am thankful they found the cancer in the early stages but I am still in a daze about it all.
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Long Day 02-12-2006 - 01:07 PM
This has been the longest blahest day for me. I took a bath and that made me feel a little better. I don't know, I just don't know. I guess I am just a little depressed today. Nothing really means anything anymore. What is the purpose of it all? I will write more tomorrow.
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In times like these: 02-11-2006 - 04:07 PM
I am feeling so much better. I can go hours now and not even think about my body. I get a slight twinge in my incision every now and then. But I am so much better. I worked out in my garden today for 2 hours, came in, made my dinner, then cleaned the fridge. I am still awake and it is 1030 at night. I am going to try to stay up until my husband comes home at 230 in the morning. I have had a hard time getting into my computer tonight. Finally came in on a different network and haven't had any problems. I have really sad news about my grandson. He went to his daycare yesterday and when my daughter went to pick him up she noticed a bruise on his face. She asked the woman what happened and she said" oh you know children they are always falling". Well when my daughter went to lay him down in his bed he always goes to sleep on his tummy with his legs tucked under him(he is 15 months old),my daughter noticed a bruise under his shirt, she pulled his shirt up and there was a huge bruise over half of his back with a hand print. He also had a handprint bruise on his leg. They called the police . This happened yesterday. My granddaughter went there after school, and she said the husband hit dgs with his construction helmet. My granddaughter is only 4. We think they told her what to say and she is afraid to tell the truth. I am just so thankful that worse didn't happen. That is what the police told my daughter. He said that just last week they had to life flight a child that had been beaten. My daughter and son in law will have to press charges maybe. Once the DA looks at the pictures he might press charges. If he doesn't then my daughter will have too. I am so upset about all this. I think that is why I just kept myself busy today. This has been the most stressful last few months I think I have seen in a long time. Between my hysterectomy, my Mom dying of cancer, my daughter possibly having MS, and now my grandson being beat by a monster at his day care, I don't know how I cope. But somehow something or someone greater than me is carrying me above the storm. I am not falling apart. I think it is because I feel better now then I have felt for years and years. I hope I continue this way. My Mom is getting to say Good bye to everyone that she deeply loves, dgs is alive, I am feeling better, my daughter is waiting for the results of all her tests, and so life goes on. I will be seeing my Mom a week from Tuesday. it all doesn't really seem reality right now. But when I do see her, it will be very real to me I am sure. Though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil , For you are with me..... Yes he is with me throughout all the sorrows, all the joys, all the pain of life,he is the one that never leaves us or forsakes us. Oh I praise God for my grandson's life and safety. I thank God for his mighty guardian angel that was there with him yesterday. Thank you God, thank you. He is such a beautiful baby, so placid and good. Why would anyone ever want to hurt a innocent baby or child? What possesses them? I pray for that man right now, for his poor demented soul, that he gets help for his violent temper. I pray for his wife and child and unborn child for their safety and protection. Amen
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Just plain Tired 02-08-2006 - 08:18 AM
I am so tired but I can never give it up until evening to go to sleep. My eyes especially feel like they are made out of sand. I looked in the mirror and I look so pale and drawn today. I hope my thyroid hasn't gone the other way and now I am hypo. I am colder today than I have been. I hate feeling this way. I slept on the couch last night for hours, then went to bed and had plenty of sleep, now I am tired again. We are having our kitchen remodeled. We are going to have twice as much storage space when it is finished. But the man doing it has been there 2 days and it looks like it will be three days for completion. Oh well, it just has kind of disturbed my peace and quiet here. I am not complaining though, the results are going to be fantastic. I might have to go lay down, I am getting so sleepy, sitting here. Haven't heard anything from my Mom in a couple days. Hopefully all is going ok for her. The sun finally arrived after a week of nothing but cold gray days. It is cold but sunny. I love the sunshine. I have vacuumed today. I feel like I am ready to start doing more, I will take it easy although. I would love to do my crunches but I am so afraid to begin. I will wait a few more weeks. I am going to join a Yoga class in a few months. I took a class for a few weeks and really enjoyed it. Then the teacher just didn't show up one class, and we got our money back and that was the end of that.
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Another day 02-06-2006 - 08:54 AM
Here I am again. This has been a strange day. In the fact I was really down this morning. Just feeling blah. But I have decided, really decided in my heart to lose the weight ,I want to lose weight. I found a really good diet site. It is basically counting calories and exercise. But I like the fact that noone is telling me what I should eat, but I need the accountability of writing down what I do eat. I was getting way out of hand in my eating being here by myself and bored. i have to get myself under control fast before I have what seems to be a mountain of weight to lose. Right now I need to lose 20 lbs. That is better than 50 lbs but not as good as 2 years ago when I had nothing to lose and I was at my goal weight. It was so much fun to be a UK12, an American 10. I loved buying clothes then and felt really good about myself. I don't feel bad about myself now but I just remember I felt so much better. Exercise is going to be a problem. I just walked up and down my stairs 8 times, I was going to to do it for 10 minutes, but I quit when I felt I was really pushing it. I probably made it 5 minutes. But I go up and down my stairs all the time so that will count also. I will get there. I would like to have the 20 lbs off by summer. I was going to try to extend my stay at my Mom's for 2 weeks instead of 1 but I was unable to do so. I would have lost the money on my ticket and had to buy a completely new ticket. I just hope and pray that my Mom makes it until I get there. She is going downhill quite quickly. She is starting to lose bowel and bladder control. Sometimes I am in despair, grief, anger, blase',numb, the whole full scale of emotions. I wish I could go out in a isolated place, and scream at the top of my lungs. ( without hurting my stomach of course) What would I scream? I would scream GOD THIS IS NOT FAIR, I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS, I DON'T CARE IF LIFE IS NOT FAIR, I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS.THIS IS MY MOM, AND SHE DOESN'T DESERVE TO GO LIKE THIS.I think that is what I would say. I cannot imagine the emptiness and hollowness I will feel when she truly is gone. There I had my cry for the day. When my Dad passed away, I told myself I will allow myself to grieve whenever I want to grieve. I cried for about a month afterwards whenever i wanted too and didn't allow anything to stop it. At the end of one month I went on. It was several months later and I was talking to my Mom and she said to me, I only grieved hard for your Dad for one month, and I told her I did the same. My Mom and I are so close, was I just grieving along with her and when she was ok, I was? We have always been close. I sat on her lap I think until I was about 12. Anyone interested in looking at that diet site I found:
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Surprise Lunch Out 02-05-2006 - 08:36 AM
Pleasant surprise- My Dh's Auntie and Nana came by and we went out to eat for Sunday lunch. It was very good. I had a roast lamb dinner with roast potatoes and veg. Chocolate Mousse(it called my name out from the menu) with real cream, mmmmm that was delicious. It got me out of the house anyway. It always feels so nice to get away and nice to come home also. Well, I received some more bad news about my Mom last night. The Dr. has said now instead of 6 months, she only has 2 months if that. Cancer is so fast growing and wide spread that she will go very quickly. I talked to my Mom last night on the phone, she phoned me. She doesn't know about the new diagnosis. I pray that noone will tell her. She told me my brother is really having a hard time with all this. I knew he would. He is such a big softie. He is a large man , he looks like a biker type. But he has always been so soft. My Dad was really cruel to him, he has suffered alot emotionally from that. But then he has always had my Mom to love and accept him, just like all of us kids. He lives near my Mom. He had her move there a couple of years ago , so that he could keep a better eye on her and help her out if needed. I know his life is really going to be empty without her. He writes beautiful poetry. He is also a avid reader of English History. My incision site is really hurting me today. I think I will take a nice hot bath, put my loose pajama bottoms on, and just chill out. I am really rather sad today, probably you could say a little depressed. Thats life I guess, the ebb and flow . It has been gray here for 6 days straight. I would love to see a little sunshine. I was a teenager in the sixties. There wasn't the name label clothes then . My Mom made all of my clothes and I never thought anything about it. I would pick out the materials and the colors and she would sew whatever I wanted. Amazing, times have changed so much, from then. She didn't sew the clothes for me because we were poor either, it was just what she wanted to do.
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Me Again 02-04-2006 - 03:16 PM
Forget the diet thing, I have had 2 chocolate bars today. I fall asleep and when I woke up I wanted something to eat. I must admit I was quite ashamed of myself when I ate the second one and I took a long time eating it because I really wasn't hungry, I just wanted it. I did notice this while I was eating it. So maybe it would be easier for me to just write down what I eat for a week and notice what I am feeling when I eat it, and write it down. It is a little difficult to go on a diet when I am almost a prisoner in my own home. I am not allowed to drive until the 6 week mark, and we only have one car anyway. My husband works from 12 to 15 hours a day so I am here all day by myself with my dog. She is great company but not a great conversationalist. Start playing the violin for me.I will miss these long days when I go back to work. Just can't make us happy!
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Mini Panic Attacks 02-04-2006 - 06:50 AM
Ok this is a new one for me, I am starting to have mini panic attacks. I feel like I can't breathe, and I have to move around to get rid of the feeling. I had panic attacks growing up but it was always just before I went to sleep. I just had one in the shower. Do I blame this on hormones? It seems everything gets blamed on them.You see I am a master of avoiding the issue. My thinking is "lets just not think about that and it will go away or lets just not think about that and as long as I don't think about it, it doesn't exist". I was lying on the couch last night and not really thinking about anything, then all of a sudden I had this feeling of not being able to breathe. I am not having any pain associated with it, so I don't think it is anything physical as in my heart. Before my surgery I had convinced myself I was a controlled alcoholic. I had to have at least one drink a day, had to have, and I thought about it until I had it. At parties and social events I could drink everything in the house and still be standing at the end of the night.I haven't had one little sip of alcohol in any form since Dec31. I don't want any, it repulses me to even think about drinking it. But I just wonder if these panic attacks have something to do with that. I sincerely would like to never drink again. I try to imagine not drinking here in Europe and it is going to be a hard one. I will be the odd duck, again. But hey thats not so bad, I can handle that, I have been that all of my life. Noone will believe it at work.I do have a bit of a reputation and I am greatly admired for the amount of booze I can handle. (Really good thing to be remembered for, not!) I told you I am going to be brutally honest in this journal. I will bring out all the skeletons in my closet and hang them out to dry. No problem. I in my minute' brain think it is probably a combination of many things. My GP told me the other day that it can take up to 6 weeks for the anaesthetic to wear off. I was under for quite a long time so that might explain it. Its about time for me to begin to be normal though, whatever normal is. I guess normal is whatever is normal for you not necessarily what is normal for me. I can try to sit here and analyze myself and I really don't have a clue.And thats the truth.
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It is time to lose weight, again! 02-04-2006 - 12:46 AM
Wow! That was a long walk, 24 hours almost. No, I just didn't write again yesterday, don't know why. My days kind of pass away now with no real purpose. One day fades into the next. I think I am ready to start on the serious weight watching thing. I think I am well enough to get back into living for purpose. I was ill for so long, but now I don't have a excuse. I am going to drag out my scales and weigh myself after I finish writing this. It is not going to be pretty but it must be done. Reality check. then I will do what I have been the most successful at in the past, counting points with Weight Watchers. I already have my little notebook, guide and calculator down in the kitchen. Yesterday was a practice run, I didn't write anything down, just seen what I could do with cutting back.I only had one chocolate bar instead of 2, 2 ginger snaps instead of about 10. So thats not so bad. I can do it. I would suspect I need to lose about 20 pounds. I will let you know.
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Good Day 02-03-2006 - 06:12 AM
My hormones are still on a even keel. I am really doing well. I am going to take a walk this afternoon to the village post office. It is a nice walk about, 15 mins there and 15 min back. We are getting new neighbors today. The woman next door is moving out along with her 7 long haired chihuahua's. Our dog Jazz has never liked them so peace shall reign I hope. We will see if the new neighbors have a dog or dogs? This is one of those dangerous days for me. I feel really, really good, and so then I tend to do to much, then I pay for it the whole next day. It is so deceiving. It is not one of those things where suddenly you are better and you live happily ever after. There is those extremely good days , and I think I have finally arrived, this is good. Then crash, whoops I have done to much I think, why am I hurting? Oh I shouldn't have bent over so much tending the garden or whatever. It is one of those things. People will look at you on your good day and think oh thats nice , she looks so much better, but then they don't see us on the bad days, where we barely move off the sofa to do anything because of the lack of energy and aches and pains. I am so happy, yes actually happy I had this surgery. Whatever I have to put up with for recovery is a thousands times better than what I put up with before the surgery and actually all of my life since I was 11. I will write more later today, after I have gone for my walk.
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Life 02-02-2006 - 08:02 AM
This journal has been such a eye opener for me. I have been able to see myself as never before. I have been able to make many fine adjustments to my personality because of journaling. It is amazing. I decided to be honest no matter what, brutally honest. I am at the age, where I always wanted to be. Stripped of all veneer, and this is the genuine thing, like it, or not this is me. I feel achy today, I don't know if I am coming down with something or what. I am feeling some of the old side affects of the overactive thyroid thing. It has been only 2 days since they cut my dosage back. I have a slight headache and my eyes are aching. I am also achy in my stomach and back. I might have to break down and take a extra codeine today. I have my airline ticket now to go to my Mom's on the 21st of this month. I feel confident that I will be ready physically to handle the long flight. I am planning on traveling very light, I will only be there for 6 days. But I just have to go now, it just seems right to not delay the fact. In my mind I am doing ok now. I think I have convinced myself she is going away on a long journey and I will see her again.Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.Heb 11:1 I think my faith has come into action that I cannot grieve as those that have no hope of seeing their loved ones again. I have hope as a Christian that my life does not end on this earth . When I pass from this life to the next I shall see my loved ones again. My Mother and I have not seen each other that much over the last few years. She was able to come here to visit twice; in which I thank God for.But I can just convince myself she is away and she will be away. I am looking forward to seeing her though and spending quality time with her before she takes her flight to world's unknown to me. I really want to be close to her right now while I have the chance for the physical contact of Mom. Another one of my fond memories of my Mom is when I was about 5 years old. We were sitting on the old wooden church pew, on a Sunday morning. The sun was shining in through the large windows. I was all cuddled up to my Mom and waiting for the Sunday morning preaching to be finished so I could make my dash for freedom in the outdoors, chasing all my little friends around while the adults stood outside and chatted. I remember I loved to play with my Mom's hands, I would move her plain little gold band up and down her finger, never actually taking it off. I would also push on the vein in her hands, I was fascinated with her big veins.(strange child) And I would squeeze her wings under her arm. I can imagine she really appreciated that. My Mom told me that when I was about three , I whispered in her ear at church, "Take me out and spank me, I'm bored". That was the only way I could escape the boredom was to be bad, get taken out and then get spanked. I guess I thought that was better than sitting there forever. Funny memories.
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Mom 02-01-2006 - 02:36 PM
https://www.hystersisters.com/photopost/showphoto.php?photo=2608&cat=500&ppuser=108758 This is a picture of my Mom taken on Monday by the nurse at the hospice. My Mom had just found out she had 6 months to live, if that. Doesn't she look nice? She is unbelievable, how strong she is.
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Though I walk through the Valley.... 02-01-2006 - 06:40 AM
I haven't written for a couple days, been my husband's day's off from work. Thought I would wait until I knew I would have some quiet time to write. It has been a good 2 days. Not done a whole lot. I went to the Dr. about my thyroid, which is overactive. But it has been behaving itself for the last year. I am now able to cut down to the weakest strength and then I will be closely monitored to see how I do with it. As far as how I feel since my surgery, I would say I am definitely on the mend. My mental frame of mind is vastly improved which affects the way I look evidently. Everyone that I see that hasn't seen me since my surgery , comments how much better I look now. I was trying to tell people how bad I felt before but sometimes I think they just thought I was being the drama queen .(Which I sometimes can be) I really did feel I was dying and my surgery proved it, but its only good things from now on. My Mom was told on Monday by the hospice and Onocology Dr. that she only had 6 months to live at best. The cancer has spread through her liver and stomach area. We have talked on the phone and she seems ok with it. She is a woman of strong faith and does not like to call attention to herself. She is getting tributes although from all over the world coming into email box. She spent every year in Albania with her church teaching English and the Bible, for the last 5 years.. People loved her and she loved them.As in all familie's although when they smell death, they smell money.That is a terrible way to put something but it is true. My sister's daughter's are coming out of the wood work being sickening sweet to my Mom, thinking they will get a piece of the pie. They wouldn't talk to my Mom for years after my sister died because they thought my Mom withheld my sister's insurance money from them, which was the fartherest thing from the truth. My Mom has a will and whoever is in that will ,will get whatever she wants us to have. If they think they are going to change things now its so rediculous. I don't really need this right now. It is so tacky and terrible.I mean here is my beautiful Mom dying of cancer and all they can think about is her money. But life does go on and I am sure it will all work out and I need to not let myself get upset over the small things. I am going to go see my Mom the end of Feb. I have decided. I know I will be well enough and I know I need to go this month to see her before things get to bad for her. It won't be a easy trip for more reasons than one but I need to see my Mom and hold her hand. For once I am going to take care of her, she has always been the one to take care of me but now it is my turn. Yes time is so precious, with our loved ones. If we could only realize that all of our lives instead of when we are saying good bye. I got some snapdragon seeds in the mail today.In memory of Dad.We had one thing we shared, well actually 2 things. One was a love for flowers,plants and trees. Two my Dad would make a pan of stewed tomatoes, a knob of butter and broken up pieces of bread and a pinch of sugar. He and I would sit down and really enjoy that together. He would always say this just needs a pinch of sugar to take the bitterness out. Sometimes I think we need to do that with our relations with others that are difficult to live with, just add a pinch of sugar and might just turn them sweet also. It is worth a try.
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Too Much Energy 01-29-2006 - 07:00 AM
I honestly think this energy thing is my way of coping with everything. I have been down in that kitchen from the time I woke up this morning. I had my husband a three course meal cooked for him by the time he got up at 1030 AM. He didn't mind, he has long hours of driving and doesn't hardly ever get a cooked meal anyway. I also made some apple pie bread this morning. I just did a super clean on my kitchen worktops. Is this hormones? My back is hurting some from being on my feet for so long but I can't stop.I am in a frenzy of activity. I think I will attack my ironing later today which is in a desperate need of sorting out.I had a great time cooking last night and this morning. When I was growing up my Dad was so particular about everything we weren't allowed to make messes. I think that is why I never liked to cook, because I didn't like the mess. But now, I am so much more relaxed and I use every utensil in the kitchen, things are everywhere and it really doesn't matter to me. It is all cleanable. Whether it is my gardening or my cooking , they have become my outlets for not having to sit around and think about things. I am determined to live life to the fullest of my ability and enjoy the simple things in life. I think I felt so bad for so long that this is my new lease on life. I really didn't think I was going to be alive right now, I was feeling so bad in December. Every day is like a big gift to me. I am no longer afraid of dying, I am to busy living the moment. Even the grief I feel about my Mom, I have decided to turn it into a time to explore all areas of me. I am determined that I will be a better person on the other side of this. I have always been so wrapped up in me, me, me.I feel I need to start reaching out more to others. I have contained myself within my tight little world and there is a whole big world out there to explore. I am going to dedicate my garden this year to my parents. I am going to buy flowers and shrubs that I know they both liked.My Mom mentioned my Dad loved snapdragons. Now I think they are a pretty flower but a little old fashioned. But I am going to have them, and enjoy them because I feel I will be sharing something with my Dad when I look at them and enjoy them. My Mom loves pansies. I have a particular fond memory of my Mom and pansies when I was about 16. We had gone to visit a elderly woman that lived across the street from where we lived. She was in her 90's but she was still gardening. She had beautiful flower beds that were full of pansies. My Mother pointed them out to me how beautiful they were and the delight in her voice caused me to really look and enjoy them as much as she did. (Remember I was a teenager and I wasn't supposed to enjoy those kind of things) The sun was shining and it was a gorgeous day. Lily invited us into her house and it was uqite an enjoyable day. I can't tell you how many memories are flooding into my soul at this time of my Mom. It is like a constant panorama of my life and Mom before my eyes. So many wonderful memories of her, simple ones but nice. Things I haven't thought of in years.We went to a farm once and picked our own tomatoes. Mom had them in bushel baskets in the back seat fo the car. I was sitting on the floor board on the way home eating them like they were candy. They were so succulent and sweet, I must have made myself sick I ate so many. I am sure my Mom must have been going to make her famous Piccallii relish. Oh that was wonderful on a nice fresh hot dog bun . I would split my hot dog down the center and stuff it with her piccalli relish, wonderful. I told my Mom in a recent email I was planting pansies for her and I to look at this summer when she comes to visit me. I don't really believe she will be on this earth then but she will come to visit me in my thoughts and my dreams. My Dad has and she will. She will never leave me, she loves me to much and I love her to much. She will never fade away in my memory. And when I take my last breath , she will be first one there to greet me. Yes love never fails.
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Energy 01-28-2006 - 04:42 PM
I decided to go the chicken out route. My Mom actually wrote me, so I wrote her back and told her to email me when she wants me to phone her. I think I will phone my brother tonight and see how he is holding up. I have a feeling not very good. He always has been a bit of a Mommy's boy. I have had a sudden surge of new found energy tonight and have been cooking up a storm. Someone sent in a cooking web site to try on this site, and it is great. You just put in the ingredients you have basically and then it finds several recipes to choose from. I made three different dishes tonight. I made pork with apples, chicken satay and a broccoli salad you make with crushed dry Top Ramen Noodles. Oh and I also made some really good oven baked mushrooms. I really don't know what got in me. I think I am totally bored but i had the energy also. I am feeling 100% better, haven't even fell asleep on the sofa once today. I even had a long walk today in the afternoon also. It is nice to feel so good, I felt so bad for such a long time. I am getting a little tired right now as I sit here. I was so upset this morrning, but I get over things, I am not one to "stew" about things.It was good to hear from my Mom. She told me if my health wasn't up to it, she did not want me to come there and see her. I know she would think that and actually if I felt my health was going to be compromised I wouldn't go. There is no price that can be paid to get back health once it is lost. I know I have to take care of myself. Noone else can do that for me. I think I am getting tired finally, I will sign off for now. Someone must have prayed for me, I feel so much better.
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Relatives 01-28-2006 - 01:49 AM
I need to vent, this journal is vey good for that. My cousin is staying with my Mom. My cousin has always been a controlling B. She won't allow anyone to phone the house because she says my mom is to weak. But then she sends a general email out to everyone saying how my Mom walked so straight and proud into the Oncologist's office. Well if my Mom is walking then she is talking. I am her only daughter and I am sure she would like to talk to me. Then my sister's daughter sent my Mom some pic's and a email to my cousin, thanking her for being such an angel to take care of Mom. But my sister's daughter won't write over one line to me. And she said in her letter how she is praying for my Mom and everything, well that is nice, but if you can't be nice to everyone involved then what is prayer? Nothing more than selfishness. You know this is bringing up alot of hurt and now I know why I hate my family. And why I live in the Uk minding my own business . I have never done anything wrong to any of them but for some reason they think I am the bad one. I cannot help that my sister gave her children up to her ex when they were small. I am not my sister and I never want to be. But for some reason since my sister has died they must associate the bad things in her with me. I can just see what the funeral is going to be like. Between my sister's daughter's and my youngest son, it is not going to be pretty. I think I get along with my brothers fairly well. Well my one brother's wife I can't stand. She stoled my brother's inheritance money from his bank account without telling him and he took her back. But they are divorced but living under the same roof. She can't make it on her own, so my brother lets her use him. But they don't have any sexual relations at all, so he is just used for his money. She will be sure and tell me how she feels about me at the funeral, she is that kind. She thinks she is all that, but she is nothing in my book. So there you have it, my family ...... things aren't always what they appear to be. My Mother is the angel, the glue that kept us all together..... but that might have lasted about as long as she did. So there I vented, I was really upset and emotional thinking about my cousin keeping me from talking to my Mom. I am going to call there today come hell or high water. Thats it.
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when theres not always hope 01-27-2006 - 06:14 AM
I am home all day today, first time in three days. It was good to get away , now it is good to be home. I am talking about getting away as in 4 hours, not get away, get away. I have found the perfect placebo for anti- depressants for me. I was up until 4AM last night pouring over seed and plant catalogues. I designed my front yard or garden. See this is the thing I live in the Uk but I am a America. I have lived here going on 5 years. The only American voices I hear is what I hear on the TV(Telly) and the radio commercials, because they like the American accent here for radio spots, I don't know why. But anyway I find I use American terms on this site but in everyday life I use English terminology because it is just easier, that way. It is just like my whole life though, I have never felt like I really fit in anywhere. I am always the odd duck out, the spare pin, the lame duck, the black sheep, the odd ball, the one that looks like a round peg trying to squeeze herself in a square hole. But you know what? After all these years, you just get used to it. So I am peculiar, viva la difference! As soon as I open my mouth here, they know I am not English. But then when I go back to America, they think who is this strange American woman with a slight English accent? Honestly, in America they say I sound like an English person that has lived in America to long. I just try to be myself. That is all that matters anyway. I will never fit in anywhere so I have to accept the fact. Anyway I have found a way to forget all my troubles, all my cares, just get lost in planning my garden. This is what my Mom would want me to do, she would not want me getting continually upset about her. My daughter phoned me this morning. What a nice surprise! She was talking to me about her Grandma and her health. It was the second time she has phoned me here in all the time I have lived here. She sounded really good even though she is completely stressed out about her Grandma. She is going to go on anti depressants next week over all of this. My Mom and her were(are) really close. They spoke to each other every day on the phone even though they live thousands of miles apart. I was really strong while I was speaking to my daughter, giving her advice. We spoke with fond memories of Mom and how much we respected her. She remembers my Mom would fix 2 meals, one for her and one for my Dad and never complain. She had made her meal but didn't have the meat that my Dad wanted for his meal. She set down her fork, got her purse went to the store bought the meat, came home, fixed his meal and then sat down, picked up her fork and proceeded to finish her meal with no complaint.He was very critical and demanding of her. But after he passed away , you wouldn't ever hear my Mom say one bad thing about him. She was(is) a amazing woman. She is home now. My cousin is there from Indiana to help take care of her. My cousin sent an email out to everyone and gave us a progress report that wasn't really progress. To think 2 weeks ago I was receiving emails from my Mom and now she is to weak to barely eat. It is so hard. I think it is going to be the strangest feeling when she does pass. I can't imagine living on this earth without her. Sorry, I went there. I went to that place that I lose it and I have to sob awhile. There is a beautiful poignancy in the air though, its like a sweet smell of precious memories. I think I shall put some classical music on, and fill the house with beauty today.

Dark shadows, fall,
over burdened,
with care.
Gray clouds,
in my soul
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01-26-2006 - 11:26 AM 01-26-2006 - 04:26 AM
It looks like a beautiful day outside. the sunis shining but if I look to my left , there is a hugh gray cloud getting ready to pass over our house. I have just been doing little small things around the house. Nothing big. Underneath our stairs there was a basket of potpourri spilled out on the floor, been there since I was in the hospital. My husband spilled it out, threw my coat over it and its been there ever since. Today I felt brave enough to get on my hands and knees and pick it all up. Men!!! I received a new garden magazine in the mail today, so I have been devouring it. I should be the most knowlegable gardener around by the time I get through this recovery. I want to go out and do things right now, but I know I can't even lift a pot, so alas. I will just dream and plan for now. My daughter has found out she has PCOS. She has been in terrible pain for a long time. She has other things going on in her body also that is all pointing towards MS. She is seeing the neuro next week for the first time. This has not been a good year for women's health in our family. I am expecting a email or phone call about my Mom any day now. She is not doing good at all. Ok, I am going to change the subject, I won't go there. I am going to my MIL this afternoon just for a break from the house.
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Musings 01-25-2006 - 01:15 AM
Three weeks yesterday since my surgery. I am feeling perkier and stronger, within my own self. I have came a long way down the road since surgery, but it seems such a long way to go until complete recovery. Yesterday was the first time I didn't crash on the sofa when early evening came. I would sleep for three or four hours before going to bed. I actually stayed up until midnight and then when I went to bed I didn't feel extremely tired, but I did go to sleep. I woke up at 6:30 AM and that was that, awake for the day. Yesterday I went and had my hair done and then DH and I went and had lunch. So I had alot of extra activity, but still maintained a level of energy. So, that is progress. I did take 2 codeine yesterday. Today I will try to go without any. I talked to my Mom last night. She is not doing well. She sounded so weak and pitiful. She is not getting much rest with everyone phoning her and relatives and friends visiting. It is not easy to sit and watch loved ones suffer. I hope and pray she doesn't suffer long with this. I don't want her to die, she never will die in my heart, but I don't want her to suffer. Right now she is suffering, she cannot have a bowel movement. They unblocked her bile duct, that eased that off. But her intestines are still blocked. She told me last night that if the chemo and radiation doesn't help her to not be sick, she doesn't want it. She would rather go on. It is really a difficult sad time right now. I am so thankful for a good positive husband . I see my Mom as the only strong positive force in my life until I met my husband. My Mom has always loved me with unconditional love without judging or condemning. I must carry this on to my children. I have a son that is really nasty to me. he is not speaking to me right now and frankly, I don't really care. Now I feel I should make some effort to communicate with him , no matter how he acts. Actually I am not going to, because he wants me to feel small ,and he blames me for his hurtful childhood. He is 29 years old and a recruiter for the Army, I mean, come on, I cannot be punished for his childhood now. I cannot help it if I was a totally maladjusted screwed up person then. I am not now, but in his eyes that doesn't count. I am not allowed to be happy now. He thinks I must pay with his coldness and sharp barbs for the past. No I am sorry I cannot be my Mom, my Mom never got that from me anyway. I think my son is a attention seeker and I am not going to give him what he wants. I have begged, pleaded, groveled and its still not good enough for him. No I wash my hands of him, until he decides he wants to act like a civil , polite, respectful adult to his Mother. I never ever treated him bad when he was growing up. I wasn't there emotionally but that wasn't my fault. That has taken years and years to heal from. Hopefully someday he will come around. Until then I am not wasting the time it takes to worry about it. Life goes on as they say, with or without us.
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Memories 01-23-2006 - 08:20 AM
Another cold gray day at Chapelgate. I am trying to go without the codeine tablets they gave me from the hospital. I am only taking Ibprofren. It is not easy. My whole ex-uterous area feels like a hugh aching cavern. I just don't want to get addicted to the codeine. No wonder I wasn't feeling any pain and doing so well. I am going to stick this out. I feel better in my mind but not my body if that makes sense. It has got to get better. I fell asleep last night on the sofa for hours.The dog tore up her bed and I didn't even hear her. It was like I was halluncinating. I wanted to get up off the sofa but I couldn't get myself awake enough, but then I would think I was actually standing in my kitchen but I wasn't. I was glad when my husband came home from work earlier than normal and woke me up. I think the combination of my body healing, quitting the codeine and grieving over my Mom is really weighing me down. I feel like a big heavy load has been laid on me. I don't want to carry it but its there whether I want it or not. I woke up this morning thinking about my Mom. There was 5 children in our family, and there wasn't ever anything out of place in our house. We had three meals a day, where we sat down together and ate. Mom sometimes would cook up a hot breakfast of either french toast, pancakes or bacon and eggs and toast. Or once in a great while we had oatmeal or cold cereal. We always had a big Sunday roast lunch, sometimes my Mom would invite someone from church that had just came there for the first time, for Sunday dinner. She would have it all ready basically with the roast cooking in the oven while we were at church. She would have a pie or cake made. We would get home from church, change our clothes, set the table, my Dad was always at the head of the table. When the food was passed, he would always fill his plate first. He would always pray before our meals. We weren't allowed to eat until the prayer was said. My Dad would change his voice and speak in a very quiet, humble tone and use the King James language of thees and thou's. I guess he thought God only understood us if we spoke that way. He would always ask God to bless the food for the nourishment of our body's . And I remember he would always ask God to bless all the widows and orphans in the world. Every prayer at the table he would mention this. My Dad was raised by his German grandparents on a large farm in Indiana. He went to live with them when he was 6. His parents were divorcing and I guess neither one of them wanted the responsibility of the children, my Dad and his brother who was 5 years old. My Dad's brother contracted polio at the age of 5, so he wasn't allowed to stay on the farm because he wouldn't be able to help. So he lived with my Dad's Dad who was an alcoholic and married 5 times. My Mother said he was a wonderful person although. He died at the age of 49 of a heart attack. Maybe my dad understood what it was like to have neither parent.Who knows? feelings and emotions were never discussed in our house. How did I go off on all this? My husband is home today, he is out waxing his new car today. He asked me if I minded and I said of course not, then he said I feel so guilty. But he went out anyway. I don't mind, I am just kind of sitting alot today because that is what feels best.I tried lying down and I wasn't comfortable. I didn't phone my Mom last night, I fell asleep. I will tonight, I think. Haven't heard from anyone in a couple days about her. I am going to go tomorrow and have my hair cut and colored. It needs it so bad, and I thought that might cheer me up some.DH is going to take me of course. I think I will look at my garden books.
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Quiet Afternoon 01-22-2006 - 06:45 AM
Ok, its later. DH has gone to work. I have been ironing. Yes ironing. I thought I would do a few pieces each day and it will eventually get to the bottom of the basket. No ironing has been done since my op. I had the basket empty before I went in, because I knew this would happen. It feels good to sit down now though. I finally decided to have a cup of coffee to see if that would help my headache. It has helped. I didn't really want to take any other kind of pain reliever for it. So the caffiene in the coffee did the trick. It is still there but just a dull ache, not a pounding headache. I think I will lay down this afternoon and take a nap. I slept good last night, I was literally wore out. My ML and husband came over and spent the afternoon. It can be very tiring just sitting in one chair for hours. The sun has left, now it is a typical gray day here. I am going to phone my Mom later today, see how she is doing. I dreamed last night my Dad phoned me(he passed away about 10 years ago). His voice was shaking and he said Cathy I have some bad news for you and he was about to tell me that my Mom had died. I woke up before he could tell me and hurried into the office and checked our computer for any messages....I was so relieved to see there wasn't. Oh well this is part of the journey on this earth, loves found, loves lost, births, deaths, growing old, losing parents. It is all a part of life. But that doesn't take the pain away from life's event, it just makes me not feel so alone. I remember when I was five and at kindergarden. It was parents day, and all the parents were sitting around the walls of the classroom and the parents were watching us interact with other children, we were painting, coloring, looking at books etc. My Mother was sitting there in a straight skirt, a nice sweater and high heels. I was so proud of her and thought she looked so pretty with her red lipstick on. It is strange the memories that stay with you.I think I will go have a nap.

Love isn't love, till you give it away.
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01-22-2006 - 11:24 AM 01-22-2006 - 04:24 AM
I have a thumping headache today. There could be two reasons, I cried to much yesterday or I have begun to cut back on the codeine meds I was given for pain. I don't want to be addicted to anything but love. I will write more later as I am in the midst of popping a pizza in the oven before DH goes to work. he is out washing his new car. It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining again. promise I will write later.
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seasons of life 01-21-2006 - 06:37 AM
I didn't get much sleep last night . I did early in the evening fall asleep for a nap and woke up 3 hours later. I feel this extreme sadness today. I talked to my Mom last night on the phone. She sounded really cheerful for someone that had just been told there is no hope. Neither one of us cried when we spoke to each other. I talked to my son also. He said he didn't feel she had much time left, maybe a month, because of the cancer being so aggressive. My Mom wants to go ahead with the chemo and radiation, knowing it won't cure her, but she said she wants a quality of life, where she is not bed-ridden. I hope she gets her wishes. She would like to go back to Indiana to see her nieces and nephews, and my sisters children and my Mom's great grandchildren. She's already been there a couple times this year. My Mom was born and raised in Indiana, so was my Dad. I never lived there. I think I will save my life story until another time. Right now, I guess I just want to focus on not being sad and getting better. Today, I can't see myself well enough to travel 10 hours on a plane, lifting luggage, by myself. I have traveled many times by myself, that does not bother me. It is the considering my health at this time. Do I risk my health for sentimental reasons and pride also. It will kind of hurt when I think people will say oh she couldn't even come to see her Mom before she died, or she wouldn't even come to her Mom's funeral, she is so selfish. I only have one of me and when this old body is spent and gone, thats it. I have a few years left in it and I would like to live as long as my Mom has at least. To do that I must take care of myself. My husband talked to me at length this morning comforting me. He was great and said things I was running through my mind without saying anything and he really helped me alot. One big thing that comforts me about my Mom is that I have no regrets. I might not have always lived my life the way my Mom wanted me to live it, but I was always respectful towards her. Even if I didn't agree with her, I never argued, never disrespected her. My sister did, but that is another story. So no regrets. I can walk with my head held high, I did something right in my life anyway. It was the same way with my Dad, he was a very cruel man verbally with all of us children. I never disrespected him, my older brother and sister did, but I couldn't. I just knew in my heart it is wrong to disrespect your parents, no matter how they act. I think that is what is wrong with the youth today, many of them have no respect for themselves, for authority, or for their parents. Life is to short even at its longest.My Mom is not suffering right now. We discussed that last night. She said I don't want to suffer with a long illness. I said yes that has always been your greatest fear, after seeing all 8 of your sisters and your daughter suffer with cancer. So we can only hope for the best. I know I am not the first person to lose their Mom but I am the first person to lose my Mom. That will leave me and my 2 brothers who are both younger than I am.My older brother and sister are both passed away. I kept my maiden name when I got married, because I knew this day was coming. I am proud to be who I am, and where I have come from. I plan on carrying on my Mom's legacy, loving everyone, old, young, children, babies, animals. Embracing life to the fullest, never admitting to getting old. What a wonderful legacy I have from a wonderful Mom, that loved me all my life with an unconditional love, that loved me and was there for me through thick and thin. I shall be forever indebted to her to carry on the tradition ,of full steam ahead and no looking back.I am having floods of wonderful memories of her. Everything is reminding me of her. 53 years of memories is a long time you know. When she came here to the Uk to visit me, everyone loved her and thought she was a wonderful person. I am not as bold as my Mom. She would never meet a stranger and talk to everyone like they were old aquaintances. I am a little more reserved than her on that one. Oh well as they say in America, Have a nice day! I promise I will make the most of mine also!
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Upset 01-20-2006 - 06:05 PM
I just wrote a really long page and when I went to send it , it said the page was unavailable and didn’t print the whole thing. I lost it, I can’t believe it. Sometimes these computers can really let you down. I am so mad I could throw it across the room. Ok, now I have to repeat everything I just wrote. Ok, this is the saddest day of my life, I am 53 years old, so for me to say that, it has to be sad. I just found out they can’t operate on my Mom. The cancer has spread to her liver. I am no longer numb. My heart feels like a piece of raw liver, chopped up in little pieces. I am angry, I am sad, I am crying. I just don’t know what to do. I have to write my feelings down and then I will adjust and assess. That’s me. I have to go now, I don’t have time to rewrite what I had written because my husband is coming home from work. I will write more later.
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01-20-2006 - 03:43 PM 01-20-2006 - 08:43 AM
Today has been a very good day. I had some wonderful sleep last night. I can sleep on both sides now. I walked a bit further today than I did yesterday. And when I got home from my walk, I didn't sit down but proceeded to make a lovely Broccoli soup that I seen made on the TV before going out.I just had a bowl and it was one of my best soups, and I make soup all the time. I think that it will be excellent for fiber and vitamins. I am going to call my Mom in a couple hours. I hear she is doing better. She has a feeding tube and they have given her a couple laxatives and a enema to get her bowels moving. Her surgery is scheduled for Monday, so fingers crossed they will be able to proceed as planned. I am still in that non- emotional state about my Mom. I could feel guilty about that but I really think it is something that has been prayed for a long time ago. Since I am recovering from major surgery, I don't need to be getting upset. Stress does more damage than people realize. I feel this great calm and peace come over me when I think of my parents lives. I know that it has been full and rich for them and they did exactly what they wanted to do. Some day I will write about our lives. I think it will surprise many people. Because I speak so fondly of my parents, is because I am a Christian . I forgive and I try to see the best in people. My parents changed over the years as we all do, some for better, some for worse. Don't get me wrong, my Mother has always been a saint. She is the most down to earth, Godly woman that I know. I would like to write about my Dad, not to be harsh and bitter, but just so that maybe it will help someone else out. I think with all this time on my hands, it would be a good time to write of my past to bring it all together into my future. So tomorrow I will begin to write in my journal the story of our lives as a American military family in the 1960's and 70's. Some might find it interesting and it will be good for me to express myself. My past really has no significance on me now, as I understand where I have come from and I am a happy well - adjusted person now. So today I will write about today. The sun is shining and it is a absolutely beautiful day. It is very cold but the sun is shining and that is all that matters.
Broccoli Soup Recipe

1 large stalk of Broccoli
1 Onion
1 Leek
1 Potato
2 t. olive oil
veg stock( I use Swiss Vegetable stock. It is excellent)

Cut the flowertte's from the stalks. Cook the flowerette's separately from the rest. Place olive oil in the bottom of the soup pan, on a low heat. Chop the broccoli stalks, the onion and the potatoes. Cut the ends off the leek and then cut it lengthwise. Wash it under the tap to get the trapped soil out from between the leaves. Chop the leek in fine pieces. Place in the pan with the rest of the soup ingredients. Cook the flowerettes until bright green but not mushy. Add soup stock to soup ingredients, cook on a medium heat for at least 30 min. I added a pinch of nutmeg and ground pepper also, season to taste. Drain the flowerett's. Using a food processer or a hand held liquidizer mush the flowerette's. Then cream the soup ingredients when the potato is soft. Add the broccoli flowerett's to the soup stock and it makes it a lovely green color. I really enjoyed this soup and had never actually used the broccoli stalks before. I feel that it was really healthy and hearty. It would be lovely with a big loaf of French Bread slathered with garlic butter. Cheers! Cath
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Journey 01-19-2006 - 07:49 AM
Today has been better than yesterday. I have been busy getting our office in order. We went to IKEA the other day and bought all new office furniture. My husband spent 2 days putting it all together. Now all of our magazines, papers, misc are all neatly filed away. I put our CD's in alphabetical order today and labeled the magazine holders. I had DH put it all on the computer desk so I didn't have to bend down to get it out. Plus that meant I had to get it done to get to the computer.I still have the kitchen to clean up. I walked to the post box this morning, its about 1/2 mile. I walked all over IKEA the other day. At one point I knew I had overdid it and had to sit for at least 15 minutes before I could move again. I had to start taking codeine again this morning. The pulling, burning pains were unbelieveable. Where the one large fibroid was, my left side, is very tender. So if that helps me get through the day, so be it. I am going to try to phone my Mom later today. She is in the Cancer Hospital now in SLC. She has pancreitis and her white blood cell count is high. That is from the mass sitting right there where the pancreas is.She will be getting all her nutrition from the IV. I feel so detached right now. I am not wringing my hands, thinking what should I do? I feel kind of matter of fact about the whole thing. My daughter is really upset. Maybe reality hasn't hit me yet. Maybe I am protecting my own heart for the time being.I just feel like there is this big buffer zone, and noone can upset it. I will not allow myself to worry unnecessarily. What is the point? 95% of the things we worry about never happen anyway. So we spend our whole lives worrying about things that never happen. Utterly useless, worrying is.I got more important things to think about........don't ask me what! I think the world's national past time is worrying . I I think I will go take a nap, a serious lack of sleep here. Then I will come back and continue this thought .........until then..........
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2:00 AM Wide Awake 01-18-2006 - 07:42 PM
Here I am wide awake. I know why. I haven't had any codeine since yesterday afternoon. I have no need to take pain medication if I am having no pain. I was getting very nauseous from the codeine.I am amazed at the no pain. I can sleep on either side now. I can even pull myself up with my tummy muscles with no pain. Bladder is 99% there, the bowels are a little slow, but they will be normal when I get all this codeine out of me. I cannot drink alcohol or coffee anymore. That is amazing. I want to continue that and eat healthy. That should take care of my weight. Right now I am about 14 lbs overweight. I keep losing weight though, a pound here a pound there. I never expected to be able to lose weight after this op. Right now I have lost 5 lbs since the surgery. I eat my meals on a salad plate and that is plenty for me. I hope this continues. My daughter is going to fly to SLC to see Mom. My Mom was unable to talk on the phone to my daughter she was so weak. Right now I feel stoic. I have this strange surreal feeling about it all. My Mom was such(forgive me for already speaking of her in the past tense) a larger than life character. Everywhere she went she would walk as fast as she could go with her head bent down, not looking where she was going, sometimes not knowing where she was at. I would say to her "ok Mom we are going to turn now" and she would look up, turn and then continue walking head bent, until I gave her the next direction. She was like a small child about eating. She ate regularly , about every 2 hours, she had to have something or she would be whining like a small child"I am hungry". I told her one time, " Mom why don't you carry some little snack with you, like a piece of fruit or nuts or something?" She would look at me like I was crazy. The more I write , the sleepier I am getting. This is a good thing.I fell asllep on the sofa earlier, then my husband came home from work about midnight, I woke up. And here I am. We are going to add some kitchen cabinets, and the cabinet person is supposed to be here at 8 in the morning. Oh joy!

I close my eyes,
I cannot sleep,
so I count myriads
of sheep.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep,
four hundred and forty four, thats it
counting sheep is such a bore.

Then one sheep gets stuck on the fence,
I am wide awake and
this really makes no sense.
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Quiet Solitude 01-18-2006 - 07:10 AM
This is my first day since surgery by myself. It feels strange actually. I always enjoyed being by myself until now. The house seems so quiet. I went outside and pruned some plants that needed it. I could snip off the dead wood, but I couldn't bend all the way over to pick it up. So I have dead lavender stems lying everywhere. I imagine DH will appreciate that. I managed to snip back my Clematis, that needs pruning at this time of year. The last thing my husband said to me before heading off to work was " Now don't be doing to much or doing anything stupid". I replyed " oh I won't". I didn't lift anything heavy but perhaps I bent over a little to much. I have a pain in my left side but I had that same pain yesterday, when I did nothing at all. Oh the joy of being a unwilling convalescent. Its fine and dandy for my husband to tell me not to do anything but....... when I see things not getting done because I am not doing them it really bothers me. The older I get the more I have to have my world in order and when I see my world in disarray, I get very stressed.I heard from my son this morning. He is going to take my Mom to the hospital to be admitted a week early because she cannot keep anything down and is getting weaker by the day. She wrote me and told me that when she has the surgery and they find out it is definitely malignant, she is going to have the bare minimum radiation and chemo to keep her comfortable, but not enough to cure it. So thats it, she has her wishes no matter what.I have to get well so I can be well enough to go see her. I cannot really see myself able to fly that distance until March or April. I am afraid that it might be to late then.I think I shall go away from that thought and take one day at a time just as I did when I had my surgery. Ok, deep breath, no tears, keep writing. It is a gray day today, it is so quiet where I live. An occasional dog will bark, the birds will sing, an occasional car will go by and as I speak a plane is going overhead. That is it. At first I hated it here, it was to quiet for me. Now I am used to the quiet and it is just my way of life. I am going to look through my garden magazines this afternoon to pass the day away.

Quiet Solitude

Alone, amongst the
swirling dead leaves,
a crocus, peeks
its tiny blades.

( A futile attempt of mine at Haiku)
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Walking in the sunshine 01-17-2006 - 03:42 AM
It has been two weeks since my surgery. I cannot believe the progress I have made. My scar is completely healed, no scabs. It is quite a thin scar but 9 inches long. I have been putting cocoa butter and vitamin E lotion on it after all the scabs came off. It has really helped the itching on the outside. I am doing excellent. I am very careful to not lift anything over 2 lbs. I know I am in recovery but I never expected to be this far along at this short of a time period. I have absolutely no bleeding or discharge. I think some of the reason I feel so good , even in my moods, is the hormone implant. They placed that in me at the time of the surgery. I have had no hot flashes, no mood swings, nothing. What gives? I did take a womens multi- vitamin months before my surgery, along with calcium, and a extra dose of A<C<E< and selenium. I quit taking all of it a few days before my surgery just to make sure , I wasn't taking anything that would hinder the blood clotting. I am just so pleased. I must give all the credit to prayer and believing God despite the circumstances. When I was wheeled into the surgery room it was completely out of my hands. I began to pray for the surgeons hands a month before my surgery. I prayed that God would skillfully, guide and direct him with wisdom and understanding. My husband can't believe how neat the scar is.He cut right along my old ceaserian scar which was about 1/2 inch wide and cut it out completely and then joined together new skin. It is absolutely marvelous what he has done. I must send him a Thank You card. I am so happy to be alive and enjoying this day. I feel like I am walking in a different body then the one I had before. I also have a different outlook on life. I am much more cheery.I was trying to cheer myself up before the surgery. Now I don't have to try, I just am. My husband goes back to work tomorrow. It is just as we planned. He took 10 days off to be with me and then I would be well enough to take care of myself. He is still expecting to have to vacuum for me and the taking out of the rubbish. I am going to take those 2 as far as I can get away with it. I started washing the dishes a week ago, so I can't get away with that one. Don't ever do anything once that they won't expect you to do from then on. My raging hormones have settled down now. It will be there in its time. My Mother's surgery is a week from yesterday. Keep her in your prayers. Life is still sweet at Chapelgate.
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Journey's in Healing 01-14-2006 - 06:43 AM
I thought this morning I would get out and go with my husband to a DIY store. Wrong idea. I got so tired I was nauseated. Then I got emotional . My DH was very nice and understanding. He brought me home, made me lunch, and then pulled the covers back on our bed and told me to crawl in. I was like the obedient child and did just that. I fell asleep and immediately had a bad dream. I dreamed that the front door was open and a big black dog came bounding in and immediately it started biting down on my hands. I was trying to tell my husband "He is biting me" but I couldn't get my husband's attention. I woke up with my hands gripped together in a full clench and my mouth dry with fear. Where does those kind of dreams come from? Its ok, it wasn't true. I am a little more emotional about my Mom today as my daughter wrote me what is going to happen with her surgery.They are
going to remove her gallbladder, part of her pancreas, part of her stomach
and her duodenum where the growth is. If she has cancer then they will start right away with the radiation. I keep thinking about my little Mom having to go through this major surgery and I am getting so upset. I just had surgery, there is nothing I can do. It is not good for me to get this emotional. Ok I have to realize there will be mountains and there will be valleys in this. I must stay strong and look to the light. I shall think about my garden, that is calming to me. I have seen some crocus, poking through the soil. I can't wait to see their tiny delicate flowers. I ordered a bushel full of bulbs last night. Some are to be planted in Feb for summer bloom. I love lilies. They have such a spectacular bloom and color. Their scent is heavenly. When my garden is in full bloom this summer I shall have my husband take some really nice pictures for everyone to see. I can't wait to get started on my herb garden. I will just sit here and dream of it while I recover. This journal is amazing. I love to write and express myself. I have been very honest, because that is the only way I can be at this stage in my life. I have always been a reflective person. At the hardest times in my life, I would write everything down in journals, just to get through it. I can look through the muddle of all my thoughts and emotions and sometimes get some clarity on why I do things. This is a hard time, this is a time to write for me. I want to do everything I did before but I just can't, my body won't let me. So I must be quiet in my soul and rest in the fact to everything there is a season. Just as in reality we are in the winter season, so am I with the struggles I have been having. I can choose to act like nothing is wrong or I can write about it and comfort myself. I choose the latter.
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Healing Garden 01-13-2006 - 10:00 AM
I have been a little fragile today. I feel blah. Blah is not tired enough to go to sleep but not energetic enough to do much. I am being patient with myself. My husband just went to get our new car by himself. I could have went with him- but it is not to be. I just want to go gently. Its been a gray cloudy day. I have been day- dreaming of my garden this year. I am going to make a healing garden this year. I have a beautiful garden that DH designed.It has a large deck,a patio with slabs then you step up under a pergola and there is a lawned area ringed by various shrubs. To the side of my house I am going to make a herb garden, I already have lavender planted. I am taking a herbal course so I want to have half of it planted with cooking herbs and the other half planted with medicinal herbs. I am going to make it a healing garden . I love perennials because they come up every year and I don't have to watch them die off. I also like bulbs because they come up every year. My color scheme is going to be blues, yellows and purples with a splash of white. We are going to add a water feature this year. I love gardening. I know there are things to be done in the garden even now in the middle of winter, but I don't dare. I have this deep down intuition my Mother is not going to make it through this surgery or not live much beyond it. She is not doing well, she cannot keep anything down. Her surgery is not scheduled until the 25th. I feel I have to have this garden to cheer me up. Yellow is a cheery color even on a gray day.Thats why I want splashes of yellow. Blues and purples are restful colors. I am always amazed at white flowers. White is completely devoid of color, but it is so bright and pure.Do you remember when you were a child and you discovered mortality? That people die and they are buried in the ground. I remember I was 5 years old, I wasn't worried about me, I was worried that my Mom would die. I felt even then she was the one constant in my life and I could never live without her. But then about 15 years ago, I prayed and prayed for my parents and their lives. I finally told God I would only be satisfied when they died if they had lived a long , full life and did everything they wanted to do. That is what has happened. My Father was in WW2 at the age of 19 . He was a tailgunner and shot down over Bulgaria, captured by the Germans and made to march 500 miles into Germany to a POW camp. He never forgot the kindness of the Bulgarians to the American soldiers as they were being marched. When my Father was in his late 60's , he went to Bulgaria with his church. he absolutely loved the Bulgarian people. He even learned some Bulgarian, enough to read signs, order in a restaurant, go on the bus etc. He went there until his health became so bad that he couldn't go. He died at the age of 73 of a massive heart attack while on renal dialysis. My Mom since my father's death has traveled the world over. She goes to Albania every year with her church teaching English and the Bible. She also visits all her nieces and nephews and my children. Whom are spread all over the USA. She has a nice home, hundreds of friends . They both for about 10 years were advocates in the court for abused children. That was a completely volunteer service that they absolutely loved doing. I have this feeling in my heart though that I can say good bye with much sadness but yet a peace that passes all understanding. My Mother is completely prepared to die. She wants to be buried next to my Dad in the lovely cemetary with a beautiful small stream flowing through it. My sister is buried there also. Since my near brush with death last week, I have lost my morbid fear of death, and have acquired a wonderful sense of life. When we speak of death we think that it swallows life, but the Bible speaks of death as it is swallowed by life.Everlasting life, eternal life. Yes I want my garden this year to reflect everything going on in my life. My Mother's name is Rosalie, such a pretty name. I want to have some climbing roses, bright beautiful yellow ones, in memory of her. I hope this is not morbid since my Mother is still alive.
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IErma Bombeck's Poem 01-13-2006 - 12:15 AM
If you would like to read the poem by Erma Brombeck, please look it up in a web address. I didn't realize that I wasn't supposed to copy this. Sorry for anything I may have done wrong with this as it was unintentional.
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My Story- Written the 9th of Jan 01-12-2006 - 04:21 AM
Hello I would like to share my story so other women can read and relate. It really began in Sept 2005 when my period suddenly became more heavier then I had ever had one. I would be out somewhere and all of a sudden it would gush and heavy clots would continually come out. I had to miss 4 days of work and basically live on the toilet. It really scared me, so I went to the Dr. Itold him what had happened and I said I feel that I am anemic. He said well it takes alot for a person to be anemic but lets do some blood tests to find out. He called me a few days later and said I was anemic. I already knew that. Everyone at work said I looked drained and thats the way I felt from then on, even while taking iron. I was then sent for a ultra sound and it was found out then in Nov that I had a fibroid about the size of a baseball and some small ones also. I never had another period as heavy as the one as I had in Sept but I continued to bleed every day. Some weeks I would bleed heavier then others and I never knew when my actual period was. In Dec my stomach started expanding at an alarming rate and I felt absolutely terrible. I could no longer wear my jeans and went out and bought knit slacks and big tops,that I looked horrible in but I couldn't have anything tight around my waist. The first part of Dec they phoned me with my surgery date for Jan 3 and my pre op appointment for Dec 15. I had for many months had a premonition of impending doom, and that I wasn't going to live through the surgery. I knew I had been bleeding for a long time and I couldn't see how I could make it through the surgery blood loss also. I basically prepared to die. I am a Christian woman. In fact many years ago I went to Bible school and I have taught the Bible all over the world. Upon my divorce I gave up that life and searched for who I really was. So In December I did alot of soul searching, made my peace with God, asked everyone in my family to forgive me if They thought I had done anything wrong to them. I told them I wanted to be cremated and all the funeral details that my wonderful DH that I have now would carry out. My DH said he would fulfil my wishes. I think by the way I looked, he didn't think I was being over dramatic about it all. My Mother during Dec received an appointment on the same day as my surgery to have exploratory surgery for a shadow they had found on her small intestine. My sister died from cancer in her uterous at the age of 48 , 10 years ago. Someone told me on this site that my sister would be holding my hand during my surgery. That same day they wrote that, my Mother wrote me and said she would be holding my hand during my surgery. She felt so bad she couldn't be here for me. She is so sweet but that was so ironic. The Dr had told me that I would have a TAH BSo with my cervex removed also. So , last Tuesday the 3rd I went for surgery. In the pre op room when they were administrating all the various things they do, I felt a sense of peace as I imagined my Mother and my sister standing by me. I drifted off into blackness and oblivion to the drama that was about to unfold. When the Dr cut me open he found a uterous that was severely enlarged, not by the large fibroid that I thought was growing inside of me in Dec. It was completely full of blood and fibroids.The large fibroid had been blocking my cervex from letting the blood out and it had been backing up into th uterous and expanding it daily. He had to lift the heavily laden uterous out, and cut away the fibroid from my cervex. That is why I was left with part of my cervex. I then rapidly began to go downhill quick, my resp dropped off and I had 2 transfusions within 10 min of each other. The only thing I remember was waking up on to hearing the nurse talking about it was time to change the blood. I was away with the fairies in a the morphine induced state. All my premonitions had been correct except for one thing- prayer works! I lived, instead of died. And life is sweeter now then I ever could have imagined. I never saw beyond my surgery and now I am living it day by day. My recovery has been nothing short of miraculous!By the 3rd day I was walking down to the shower room and taking my own shower. I walk perfectly straight up, not bent over like my Dr. said I would be. I walk a little slower and I am careful to do everything they said to do and not to. Don't lift anything over 2 pounds the first few weeks. I am letting my DH do everything, even though I have to bite my lip, to not be bossy but kind and thankful! It was found out my Mother does have cancer. She is going to have a very complicated surgery next week, it will last for 6 hours. My Mother is a widow but a beautiful Christian woman. She has gone to Albania with her church for the last 6 years teaching English and the Bible. She is 79 , she will be 80 May 7. In my eyes she is like a Mother Teresa, everyone loves her and she loves everyone. I am doing well though emotionally and physically. The pain has been bearable and much less then I thought it was going to be. I get the staples out of my stomach tomorrow. I counted them today, there is 21. The Dr. had to do a up and down cut but he cut along the caeserian scar where I had my daughter 27 years ago. It was a fairly thick scar and this scar will be much thinner and neater, but longer. We all have a story to tell that will help someone in the journey through this life. I have come out on this side with a great sense of compassion for women all over the world. There is not much help out there and that is why I have found this site to be a wealth of information and support. I don't know what I would have done without it. I feel such a warmth and a sense of community and sharing here. Please support this site finanicially if you can, if you can't do that support it with encouragement and prayers. Thank you for being you, the unique you that you are! A beautiful princess, fit for a king! (I posted this in hyster sisters- My Story but somehow I don't think people know where to look to find it there.)
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Go Gently 01-12-2006 - 02:28 AM
I am finally starting to accept the fact I had major surgery. I no matter how I feel must take it easy and go gently with myself. I must accept this time as my healing time. I must ignore all things that I think need done but I am unable to do. I almost died last week in surgery. Now this week I am starting to allow the little things of life to get to me again. It is not important. What is important is that I am healed. I have decided this is my time to reflect and absorb life as never before. I shall be like a sponge soaking every last bit of life that I can get. I have noticed I laugh more now. I didn't see any humor in my husband before this , well,hardly ever. Now we laugh together several times a day. Laughter doesn't even hurt my swelly- belly anymore. Our dog loves to be stroked, she will take it as long as you want to give it. Her fur has a luxurious, silky, velvety feel. Tactile therapy is good, I receive from stroking her as much as she does from me. I received a big bouquet of flowers that was absolutely beautiful yesterday, from my co-workers. It has roses, daisies, ferns ,lilies, it is so beautiful. They also sent a big box of chocolate and a signed card from everyone. It really made me feel missed and loved. I was beginning to wonder as I didn't hear from anyone while I was in the hospital. Sometimes we are to quick to assume and we must wait and be quiet. The sun is shining today, it is so beautiful. I live on a road called Chapelgate. The "estate" we live on or the "subdivision" in America is "Churchgate". We live in a house that faces a big park and then there is a view of a ancient church, through some equally ancient trees. Since it is winter and the trees have dropped their leaves, the view of the church is even more clear. It is a lovely postcard scene. Just because it is winter and everything looks dead,don't believe it! Spring is just around the corner. The trees and the bulbs are pushing and striving now to burst forth in color and life. Everything looks dead but all the work is going on underneath the surface. Just like some of us, we are in the healing process. Why not take advantage of this time, for healing in our spirit , soul and body? Lets go quietly in our soul and learn to appreciate the seemingly small things. A good song on the radio, a good book, having a laugh with someone we love, giving love, as well as receiving it. Life is in the living. Lets begin to live it as we never have lived it before- In peace and harmony with our world and within. May the love of God surround you today like a warm fuzzy blanket, and comfort you as never before. Peace.
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2 days Home 01-10-2006 - 06:33 AM
I cannot complain at all. I practically have no pain. I got the staples or clips out today. Just a little sting each time one was taken out. No big deal. It feels 100% better without them. The wound has healed very nicely in a weeks time. It is 8 inches long. I am so pleased with everything now. Praise the Lord. I am trying to be good and not overdo it even though I feel good. I definitely don't want to lift or push anything over 2 pounds. It is raining today, cold and windy. The house is so quiet. DH is being very sympathetic and telling me he doesn't want me to do anything. I am having a hard time holding my reins back when I see something that needs done and he is taking his sweet time about doing it. Lord give me patience. I have had no hot flushes . At the time of surgery I had a hrt implant. I can tell you one thing I haven't been this sexually motivated, shall we say, in a long while. In fact I think I got the wrong hormone patch, I think they may have given me the testerone of a raging bull. Don't worry there will be no penetration until it is safe to do so, but God help my husband when the ok is given. I think I will be chasing my husband around the house. He will be screaming NO, NO, Not Again!!!! Let me tell you it is something else. I read on this site that it affected some women this way. I thought at the time before my surgery, fat chance that will happen to me after a hysterectomy. Let me tell you it has happened to me in a total surprize! Right now my husband thinks oh this is nice , some sexual attention from my wife but he has his mind on buying a new car. All I can see is his nice cute little tush and dreaming about the day! I laughingly told my workmates when I left work in December, you just wait and see I will come back like a teenager when I get those hormones. I really didn't ever dream that would be true for me. The only problem is the patch only lasts for 6 months. I am going to think of some way between now and then of convincing the Dr. I need another one. Ha. Life is good at Chapelgate, no complaints here!
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I am Back ! 01-09-2006 - 08:26 AM
Hello my Sisters- This is my first day home from the hospital. I was in the hospital for seven days. Every day I thanked God for this site and all the love, encouragement and information I have gleaned from it. I had and have such a sense of the sisterhood of woman-kind all over the world. Only we can know and empathize with each other. Men will never be able to know the pains, the trauma that woman has to go through in her life time. We all have a different story, we all have the same story. My story is unique to me, your story is unique to you. Yet much of the story is the same. My premonition of my impending death was almost right but thanks to the grace of God, your prayers, and it just not being the right time for me to go yet, I sit here today writing to you. Not even a week ago, last Tuesday was my surgery. My uterous was 12 inches in diameter, with a hugh fibroid in it. When the surgeon went to lift it out, it was completely full of blood, my resperations dropped to seriously low, and I went through 2 units of blood within 10 minutes. I was supposed to be in recovery for ahour and half. I was in there for 4 hours. I had to have a full up and down incision and my bladder had to be moved down to get the uterous out. I found out today I was left with part of my cervex which I was told before the surgery they were going to take out. So I will now still require a pap smear. Which is ok with me. I want to tell you I had a hard time in surgery but in many respects I am having a miraculous recovery. After the first 24 hours, which were quite difficult with nausea from the morphine, I became completely normal. Got up took a shower on my own, I am able to bend over with not to much pain. I have not had any serious pain since. Best of all I have a sense of life and vitality back that I have not had for months. In December I really felt like I was on a assembly line belt going towards a buzz saw to be cut in half. It has been nothing like that at all. I have had such a wonderful sense of being alive and enjoying every moment and every person that comes in my life. I have a wonderful sense of "this is my healing time". Not only for my physical body but for my spirit and my soul. healing for my whole life. My Mother has cancer. She will be operated on next week. I get sad when I think I can't be with her, but we have become so close in our emails to each other. She told me she would be there holding my hand when I went into surgery, she was and so was my sister that passed away from cancer of the uterous 10 years ago. In the anesthitist pre op room, they were both there. It gave me such a sense of peace before ........surgery. Sorry for the spelling in some of these words, my brain just can't seem to come up with the right spelling and I think you know what I mean anyway. Anyway, thank you everyone for being there for me in the weeks before surgery. I love you all and have a greater empathy and compassion for all my sisters. God Bless you and you will be seeing alot of me on this site.
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Pray for My Mom 01-02-2006 - 10:40 AM

This is my favorite picture of my Mom and my grandson Ryan. I just want you to see how beautiful she is for going to be 80 this year. She is having surgery tomorrow , exploratory surgery. They have found a mass on her small intestine.
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They are coming to take me away hee hee 01-02-2006 - 10:18 AM
Night before Surgery in the Morning

Twas the night before my hysterectomy,
Didn’t want to do anything,
I was in pain and misery.
All of a sudden I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my computer chair,
To see what was the matter.
There in the distance,
I could see a flicker,
It was the hystero Fairy, I thought I
Was going mad,
She touched me with her wand, and I began to glow,
You have been a good princess this year,
You have done nothing to deserve this fear,
Follow me Princess and you will see what you are
Leaving, no need to cry,
I took her hand and immediately.
We were in the sky.
I could see a white mountain, far, far, away,
It was a mountain of pads, miles and miles deep,
Little men were sliding down the mountain on round toboggans,
No, its not, they were tampons and everywhere,
I wiped away my tears, how disgusting,
I wanted out of there. She took my hand and pulled me aside-
She pointed towards a ocean, so vast and deep,” those are your tears,
I have collected throughout your painful years”,
So come away with me, I shall be with you throughout
Your surgery,
A new day is dawning, don’t be afraid,
You will see ,there is life after misery.

I wish my sister sI could say this was by an anonymous author. But no its me, the mad woman from Sutterton. I am just trying to amuse myself this evening before. The whole surgery thing just seems so surreal to me.
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Be a Teacher of Peace 01-02-2006 - 09:52 AM
Be a Teacher of Peace
A teacher of fear can't bring peace on earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher.

You're the one.

- Byron Katie
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Problems with AOL 01-02-2006 - 06:18 AM
the last two days I have written 2 really good and lengthy journal logs and both times AOL cut me off ahd erased everything I had written. I am so disgusted. Maybe I will try again later to express myself. 24 hours to go, I am ready, got all my ducks in order.
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Wise Words 01-01-2006 - 05:10 PM
"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It never was between you and them anyway."
Author:Mother Teresa
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I forgot Happy New Year!!!! 01-01-2006 - 12:43 PM
I was so caught up in my upcoming surgery Tuesday, I forgot something:Happy New Year 2006 Beautiful Princesses!!!!!!!! may your every dream come true!With lots of love, hugs and concern- Cath
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Very emotional today 01-01-2006 - 07:48 AM
I am very emotional today. Got in a emotional spat with my husband. I just feel really alone today. I am feeling very weepy about the surgery. I have been really good, but thats me. I put my emotions , my real emotions down underneath, and try to act like theres nothing bothering me or I get really upset about some little thing but inside I am really upset about something totally different. Deep down inside I have this fear that they are going to find cancer. But its better to know then the unknowing. We took our dog over to DH's Mom's house last night, I miss her already.Perhaps we should have waited until tomorrow. They love her so much and wanted her as soon as possible. That is a good thing, its just she is such wonderful silent company for me. She wants to be stroked all the time,but she knows when to leave me alone without saying a word. her coat feels just like velvet and silk, so its no problem to stroke her. When I stroke her she just melts into me, like butter in the sunshine.I am very emotional because Mom is going into surgery the same day as me. Ifeel so little ,small and insignificant. I must lean into the strength of the Holy Spirit. Greater is he that is within me then he that is of the world. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind. The Lord is my shepherd , I shall not want, I shall not want for strength during these trying times, I shall not want for comfort, for he is the comforter that lives within me, I shall not want for bravery, because perfect love casts out all fear. I have peace in the midst of the storm. For Gods strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am not in this ship alone upon life's stormy sea, for the one whom the winds and the waves obeyed, lives in me.Beautiful saviour, sweet and divine, let me drink of your heavenly wine. I cast all my care upon the Lord for I know that he cares for me. For now abides faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.Strengthen me according to your word oh Lord. Let the meditations of my heart and the words of my mouth be acceptable in your sight oh Lord. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The real me, is the me that noone can see, the one that shall live forever with my Saviour throughout eternity. I am a spirit , I have a soul and I live in a body. This body is corruptible, but this corruptible body shall be clothed with incorruption , mortality shall take on immortality, death shall be swallowed up by life. True life , eternal life. Oh sweet Holy Spirit, I know I have let you down, but you never have me. You are my comforter, the one that abides within me, my ever present help in times of trouble, the one called along beside me. When I am weak ,you are strong. I am weak today, make yourself strong within me. I have ran from you for so long, come Holy Spirit, envelope me with your presence, for you are the wind, the rain, the fire and the oil. You are my healer, heal my battered body and soul with your anointing oil from heaven above, wrap me in your eternal love, cleanse me with your heavenly fire, for you alone are my only desire. How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of those that bear good news.Our God reigns! Our God reigns! Take my life, let it be, consecrated Lord to Thee, Cleanse me now. You are the light of my soul, I am the light of this world, a city set on a hill, a light in the darkness of this world.Beautiful saviour, wonderful Lord, rose of Sharon, bright morning star, the balm of Gilead, the Lion of Judah, bread of life, great shepherd of the Church,the way, the truth, the Life, extend your nail scarred hands to me this day, I need no money to pay, I am just a lump of clay, mold me, make me, after your will, yielded and still.
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Be Thankful for the Difficult Times 12-31-2005 - 01:47 AM
By Author Unknown
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

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Robert Frost Poem 12-30-2005 - 09:39 AM
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
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Listen to your Heart 12-30-2005 - 07:57 AM
today has been a strange day. I actually have some energy. I made my Dh a hot lunch and made his packed lunch for him. He is a truck driver and is gone for 15 hours out of the day. Usually I can do one thing and I am wore out, but today is better. I take iron every day, but still very anemic. I have a scratchy sore throat, which I don't want on Tuesday. I usually have a very good immunity system but I am afraid I am a bit worn down from bleeding all the time. My Dr did give me a flu jab last month. I just don't want anything to prevent my surgery. My husband said oh just don't tell them. A person sitting there with a hacking cough doesn't have to say a word, its pretty obvious. My husband sometimes, with his flippant answers and lack of compassion can get to me. I know its just men. Being insensitive, again. My sister passed away from cancer in her uterous 10 years ago. I mentioned this on a thread and I have had some of the most comforting beautiful thoughts from women on this sight. One that my sister will be there with me holding my hand during the surgery. She was 48, she didn't want to die. She was actually very angry about dying. She has four beautiful daughters. Her only son , the youngest,died when he was 4 months old. She didn't know anything was wrong with him. She was feeding him his bottle and he quit breathing in her arms. He died that day. When the autopsy was performed, he had something wrong with every major organ in his body. Noone knew why. My poor sister, she grieved over him so much. I am sure they are together now. She was so beautiful and intelligent. She put herself through Purdue University in computer science in the early 80's. She was a very independent beautiful woman. She was so independent though, she didn't think she needed anyone until the last year of her life. She had to go and live with my parents. That was very humbling for her. If you seen her you would never think she was a cancer patient. She looked beautiful.She was a great believer in herbs and she was a vegatarian for 10 years before having cancer.She always believed right up until the end that if she could get the right combination of natural food and herbs she would be healed. But it was not to be. But it worked for her as far as her stamina and her beauty. She always said the day she couldn't take care of herself(toilet needs, walking) she wanted to die. She had a colostomy from the cancer, she was walking back from the bathroom and fell on the floor. She couldn't get back up by herself.They got her into bed, she died early in the morning the next day. her last words she uttered was " I am a happy tired". The nurse was a friend of my Mom's and she said when she said that, her face became radient from an inner light and then she breathed her last. I believe she seen her son. You have to realize my sister was not a happy person in the best of times, so for her to say that meant the world to me and my Mom. And now about my Mom. She is 79, she will be 80 in May. She is so active and beautiful for a woman her age.You can see her in my pictures. She is going in for surgery on Tueday. They have found a mass on her small intestine and they are going to do exploratory surgery to find out if it is cancerous or not. My Mom is a strong Christian woman. She is more concerned about me then herself. She told me she would be holding my hand when I go into surgery on Tuesday. I thought that was so sweet of my Mom as she is normally not that sentimental or emotional. My daughter has an appointment with a neurologist. She has had some very disturbing symptoms. It is looking like it is probably MS. I still know deep in my heart everything is going to be ok. I am not nervous. I sleep like a baby at night, and take a nap during the day. I have been filling my days with getting on this site. It has really helped me to express my feelings to anyone that will listen. The caring and support has been fantastic. I have even started emailing a American woman just like me that met her husband through the internet and is living here. She is having surgery the same day as me. They have found cancer so I wish her the best and really want to keep in contact with her and possibly meet up someday. They were going to do a hysterascopy on me in Sept and couldn't even get it in my cervex because the fibroid was protruding into my vagina. That was when the hysterectomy was recommended. The fibroid was about 4 inches in diameter then. I would say it has doubled in size since then.God Bless all my sisters on this site. You are the most wonderful princesses in the world!!!!!!
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Daily Vitamins 12-29-2005 - 01:26 PM
Remember to take your vitamins every day
Anxious- Take Vitamin A
"All things work together for good for those who love God,
who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Blue- Take Vitamin B
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is
within me, bless His Holy name." (Psalm 103:1)

Crushed- Take Vitamin C
"Cast all your care on Him, because he cares for you."(1Peter5:7)

Depressed- Take Vitamin D
"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8)

Empty- Take Vitamin E
"Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with
praise. Give thanks to Him, bless His name." (Psalm 100:4)

Fearful- Take Vitamin F
"Fear not, for I am with you, do not be afraid,
for I am your God." (Isaiah 41:10)

Greedy- Take Vitamin G
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down,
shaken together, running over, will be put unto your lap; for the
measure you give will be the measure you get back." (Luke 6:38)

Hesitant- Take Vitamin H
"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of
the messenger who announces peace, who brings good
news, who announces Salvation, who says to Zion,
'Your God reigns.'" (Isaiah 52:7)

Insecure- Take Vitamin I
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."(Philippians 4:13)

Jittery- Take Vitamin J
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."(Hebrews 13:8)

Know nothing- Take Vitamin K
"Know this that the LORD is God, it is He that made
us and not we ourselves. (Psalm 100:3)

Lonely- Take Vitamin L
"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."(Matthew 28:20)

Mortgaged- Take Vitamin M
"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is
made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Nervous- Take Vitamin N
"Never, no never will I leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

Overwhelmed- Take Vitamin O
"Overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)

Perplexed or puzzled?- Take Vitamin P
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the
world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be
troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

Quitting- Take Vitamin Q
"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong."(1 Corinthians 16:13)

Restless- Take Vitamin R
"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." (Psalm 37:7)

Scared- Take Vitamin S
"Stay with me, and do not be afraid; for the one who seeks my
life seeks your life; you will be safe with me." (1 Samuel 22:23)

Tired- Take Vitamin T
"Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall
run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Uncertain- Take Vitamin U
"Understand that I am (the LORD). Before Me no God was
formed, nor shall there be any after Me." (Isaiah 43:10)

Vain- Take Vitamin V
"Vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed every one.(Acts 5:16)

Wondering what to do?- Take Vitamin W
"What does the LORD require of you but to do justly, and to love
mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8)

Exhausted?- Take Vitamin X
"Exercise thyself rather unto godliness." (1 Timothy 4:7)

Yearning for hope?- Take Vitamin Y
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

Zapped- Take Vitamin Z
"Zealous for good deeds." (Titus 2:14)

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Final days before Surgery 12-29-2005 - 01:21 PM
I am so thankful for this site. It has uplifted me so much. I will be glad when this waiting game is over with. I am ready to get on with it. I am going to pack my little bag on Monday. I will be in the hospital for 5 days if everything goes right. I look in the mirror and I look so bad. I have never looked this unhealthy in my life. The big stomach doesn't help either. My waist line is 7 inches larger then it was last year at this time. I feel like my stomach goes first when I step in a room. I have had to change the way I dress just to accomodate the stomach. My clothes fit me everywhere else. My husband might be home early tonight, that will be midnight if it is early. He also said he might get off early this weekend. That would be great, then we could spend the New Year together. I think I have the house to hot right now. When I get cold I can't get myself warmed back up for hours. I turned the heat up, now I am roasting. Just can't get it right. The world outside my window is looking like Dr. Zhivago in Russia. All of the spider webs outside are crystalized, they are everywhere. It is beautiful though. I will write more later.
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An Old Farmers Advice 12-28-2005 - 10:00 AM
An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
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A Snowy Cold Winters Day 12-28-2005 - 06:29 AM
It is a beautiful scene as I look out our office window. Snow is so silent, beautiful and such a pure white. This is the first real snow of the season. We don't get much snow here. I am sitting here writing my journal, drinking a cup of coffee and listening to Abba on my new IPOD.It is fantastic. I told my husband this year that I wanted a IPOD for Christmas and CD's.I told him I don't really know why IPOD's are so popular but I want one. Now I know why! I love the clarity of the music. Every sound and word comes out crystal clear. I feel like a teenager going around the house everywhere with my IPOD. My birthday was yesterday. It was fantastic. We went out to eat at a Indian curry restaurant with some friends. She made me a chocolate cake and had it delivered to the table after the meal. It was a fantastic birthday for me. I don't mind birthday's anymore, just happy to see another one. Next week at this time I shall be 24 hours post op. I am so swollen in my belly area from the fibroid, I can actually feel it pulling on my ligaments and skin. I shall be glad when surgery day comes . I am not afraid anymore. I am calm and peaceful inside, knowing that no matter how it all turns out, it is all out of my hands and in hands thousands of times bigger then mine. I shall rest in that fact. Life is so good and sweet right now. I appreciate life now more than I ever have. This looming surgery has given me many things to think about and to sort out in my own mind. What is important to me? What isn't that important? At the end of the day, I have to be the one that has to live with my inner self. If I am afraid and tormented , I am then allowing my mind to dictate to me all these terrible fantasies of things that could happen or might happen but haven't actually happened yet. So if I just don't think on the negative side and only allow myself to think about recovery and what I will do when I am recovered, then I am happier. Of course my faith in God helps me, without him I am nothing, and have nothing to depend or rely on, anyway. Life is rich , full and sweet. I face the new year 2006 with a determination that I shall be healthy, wealthy and wise!
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Whiter Shade of Pale 12-23-2005 - 10:44 AM
I look unbelievably white today. I looked in the mirror today and thought who is that? I look like I feel, drained and not very well. I will be glad to get the holidays over and done with. I am not very comfortable in my own body. I would rather be home but we have to go to my husband's brother's house for Christmas. I am sure it will be a good day, its just such a long one. Tomorrow we are going shopping as my husband hasn't had the time to shop for me any. This fibroid is really hurting today. I woke up this morning bleeding quite heavily. Its only 11 days now pre-op. It is amazing how the fear has gone, I just want it over with and be on the other side, and into recuperating. I have everything organized that I can organize, except food. I will do that next week. I took another long nap this afternoon for a couple hours. I am sure thankful for this sick time from work. I am a little bored, but I know I couldn't have handled being on my feet 10 hours a day. I have all my reading material ordered . I am ready to go. Don't let me fool you that I have it all together. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. But I am really trying to stay on the positive side and out of the negative. Sometimes that is a difficult thing to do. I think one of the things I feel a little concerned about is the morphine. I am concerned about how will I act on it? Sometimes I feel my mind isn't that stable at the best of times, what will a pain killer like morphine do to me? I worked on a med surg floor for 2 years a few years back. One woman was seeing parrots and monkeys in her room. Oh well one of those unknowns that I won't know until I get there. Maybe I will see male strippers in my room? That wouldn't be to bad. As long as they are human and not gorilla's or something. My sense of humor is a little strange, I know. It is because I never had a sense of humor until the last few years. Everyone used to be laughing at a joke and I would be sitting there deadpan, thinking what was so funny about that? I sure wasted my life having a melanchloy disposition. Not any more. It helps living with a positive person. My DH never wakes up in a bad mood. that helps. I am rambling again. I don't really have anyone to talk too. My husband works nights, sleeps in the morning and he is off again to work when he wakes up after an hour or so. I have my dog, my tv and my puter for communication. My husband phones me in the evening times and we talk then for usually a couple hours total. I think I will make some clam chowder this evening but i will have to use salmon instead, so salmon chowder. I will make a big pot of it and then freeze it for the future in two cup serving portions. Will write more later- Have a very merry Christmas and a wonderful bright New Year everyone!!!!!!!!! Cheers!! :letsnow:
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12-22-2005 - 05:02 PM Day Dreamer 12-22-2005 - 10:02 AM
: Its been a very quiet day. I was feeling tired about 1, went to lay down and slept for two hours. I would have slept longer but got woke up by the phone ringing from a call center in India trying to get me to change my phone service, that is so irritating. I was having a really good dream, I was just about ready to ask my husband for some new pictures for my wall.I think I will make some soup for dinner tonight.That is my specialty, soups. I am not a good cook, I love to watch cooking programs, read cook books, but I still don't have that certain imagination and creative flair that a good cook has. I am a better cook then I have ever been but at this stage in life I don't think there is much hope. We put our Christmas tree up this year. Last year we didn't, and it just wasn't the same. Even though its just my husband and I, it was well worth the effort. It is so pretty, with gold and red baubles. It is different then what I would have had in America, but beautiful. I have a angel on top of the tree with a red velvet dress abd a green tulle apron. I call her the angel but I think here they would call her the Christmas fairy. I have Father Christmas foil eggs hanging from the tree also. I also have gold and red bows on the branches, about 5 inches in diameter. It makes me feel good everytime I look at it. Jasmine is curled up in her new bed staring at me.She loves that bed, I think she slept about 13 hours last night in it. My Mother is going to have exploratory surgery for cancer in her small intestine on the same day that I have my hysterectomy. She lives in Idaho, but she has to go to Salt Lake City to a specialist because the cancer is such a rare type.My oldest son is going to take her there . He is such a good person. He has been so good to her. I hope all goes well for her. Life has many ups and downs, but I prefer up, rather than down.
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Peace in the Storm 12-21-2005 - 07:01 PM
I am so calm today. So much at peace within myself. I even question myself . I wonder why all the fears, all the nervousness is gone. Am I in denial? I don't think so. I just have this feeling from deep within that everything is going to be ok. If I am wrong then so be it, but I would rather be this way then the way I was. I just wonder if I haven't been having a real period with all the hormonal ups and downs . I thought it was just a continuation on from my period that I started at the end of Nov. Its so hard to tell.I know I don't feel so hormonal, and out of control. The bleeding was quite heavy again today. I went to the hairdressers this morning. I never know what my body is going to do, so everytime I go out from this house I always have this fear that I will start gushing. I also went and got our dog a new bed. I made it safely both times. I am really surprised I haven't mentioned our doberman , Jasmine until now. By the way, she loves the bed. She has stayed in it almost all day. Usually she bothers me all day wanting to go outside,but I haven't seen much of her today for all the sleeping she has done. She is two years old and she is a beauty. She is a black and tan. She came from a very good pedigree and is kennel registered. But more importantly then that, she is our baby. She is so loving and affectionate. Her fur is like velvet and normally she is at my side wanting constantly to be stroked. I have read that stroking a pet is supposed to b a calming influence and bring blood pressure down. When we got her 2 years ago, I got it in my head that I wanted a dog. my husband had a doberman before and thought they are a very intelligent, loyal, and loving dog if treated that way. So I got a £500 bonus at christmas time, and I spent it all on this dog even though we were moving into a new house and needed everything for it. I have never regretted the decision. She has been trying at times, especially when she went through the puppy chewing stage but she is out of that. The only annoying thing she does is grab one of our personal articles of clothing and (socks, bras, underpants) and toss it around the house. And she is so sneaky about it. Its like a game to her, to sneak in the room get it out of the dirty laundry, and then see how long it takes for me to discover it. Then I say to her when I see whatever it is hanging from her mouth" drop it", and she does. She is so funny. My husband should be getting home from work soon. I will write more later.
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A Dream and a Ode 12-20-2005 - 05:36 PM
I have bled quite alot today for not actually being on my period. Its got to go, there is no doubt about it. As the time approaches for the surgery, I seem to be getting worse with symptoms. All the more convincing that I am doing the right thing. I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was walking barefooted in snow, and there was dog poo everywhere, and this boy came and said "hey lady you are walking in dog poo", I said "I don't mind". Then I started to climb a mountain, I was doing quite well, I almost reached the top, but then I seen a rope tied around a rock and I thought "oh I must grab hold of that rope and pull myself up." There was a woman and a little girl sitting on the mountains edge and the little girl said" oh look Mommy we climbed so far". I looked back and down and it was a tremendous height, I could see a whole valley beneath me, and I froze in fear, and couldn't get up to the top. I was so mad at that little girl for saying something, then I woke up. I really think that dream had to do with the future. Right now I am walking through dog poo in my life, putting up with bleeding, pain, just really uncomfortable all the time. I have to climb this mountain of this surgery, physically and psychologically.If I just keep climbing and don't look back or down, I will make it, but if I do , I will be frozen in fear. My interpretation anyway. It was such a vivid dream.

Ode to My Uterous

Its just about time for you to go,
Thanks for sheltering and growing
my babies for me,
but now you are about to become history.
You led me down the garden path,
of tears, ranting and raving, and hormonal
I won't miss you, you know,
I won't miss the monthly flow.
So good bye, even at the end,
you have pushed me around the bend.
On you I no longer depend.
So be gone with you,
you nasty vile thing,
without you, I shall laugh and dance and sing.
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Pre Op Appointment 12-20-2005 - 09:06 AM
hello everyone- I went today for my pre- op. Just another milestone out of the way. Next will be the big day. Would you believe I have to bring my own pads? I don't mind, its just strange to me, being from America . I am starting to have my reservations about my husband coming through for me.He is a good man but he doesn't have a whole lot of compassion. For example today when they were explaining the PCA pump, they said that you couldn't overdose on it. That it would probably only be given to me for the first 24 hours, and it is dependent on me pressing the button. The nurse said some patients don't even use the first bag and others have to have 2. my husband said I know you, you will need 2. I just shot back well if it was you , you probably would need 4. I think I am wanting more from him then he can give. The day before my surgery he is going to work 15 hours which is from about 1 ior 2 in the afternoon until possibly 4 in the morning. I am supposed to be at the hospital by 8. He said he would take me there make sure I am alright then go home, until the Dr. calls him. I started freaking out thinking there would not be anyone there waiting for me to come back from surgery. What if something goes wrong and hes home blissfully unaware? Ok deep breath, I can do this, I can walk this path alone, I have walked many paths alone in my life, I shall walk down this one also. I am in alot of pain today, the fibroid has made my uterous the size of a six month pregnancy. It is stretching and pulling my skin. I have been bleeding quite heavy also. I am not down though, a little miffed at my husband but not down. I will write more later
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Its a New Day Dawning 12-19-2005 - 04:50 AM
I got the right chocolate today. Everything is rosy, life is sweet. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the world is still revolving, and I am going shopping with hubby! What more could I ask for? I decided this morning that all those things that I wrote yesterday, are so far in my distant past, that they don't affect me anymore. That person no longer exists, this is the person that has emerged from the ruins and ashes of my past. Yes I have been through the fire, but I have come out like fine gold. I can be the person I always wanted to be, happy and carefree because that person that was burdened down with her past mistakes and failures , no longer exists. Poof- Gone- No more. Yes others may want to remind me of that former person(especially family), but I take no notice because I am woman, I am strong. I will laugh now at the ghosts of my past, I will not run in terror, because I have found the inner me, the real me. whats wrong with speaking positively in a negative situation? It makes me feel better anyway. I embrace this day, because it truly is a new day dawning. This journaling thing is really great for seeing yourself and what lurks beneath the deep blue sea. I will write more later, until then, just remember a frown is only a upside down smile. If you have to stand on your head to smile today, its worth the effort!
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Every day is a New Day 12-18-2005 - 07:57 AM
guess I picked the wrong one from the box today, I could really feel down today. Just the smallest thing makes me want to cry. Just talking about crying makes me cry. I had a good day, yesterday, mood was up, hardly any pain, barely bleeding. Then bang today, heavy bleeding, weepy and very sensitive. I knew I was up and down in my moods, but I didn't realize how much so until I started journaling. I am a basket -case,I knew I was but more so then I thought. Where does all these emotions come from? I mean I just seen an advertisement for "Charlie and The Chocolate factory", and my mind went back 32 years ago when I would read my 2 sons that same book and "James and the Giant Peach".I think I must be mourning the passing of time. Life seems so much clearer and dearer right now. I have four children ( why do we call them children all of their lives?)anyway, 3 sons and a daughter. My daughter being the youngest. When my oldest sons were 6 and 7 years old, they went to stay with their Dad for six months, I thought. I never seen them again for 7 years. I let them go with their Dad because I thought they would have a better life temporarily without me an they deserved better then me. I was drinking quite heavily and could not provide them the security they would get with their Dad. At least I was smart enought to figure that out. I cried and mourned for those 2 boys until they grew up and then it was like I packed away all the mourning clothes and decided enough was enough. I think it was the thought of a child needing me and I wasn't there to provide the Mom kind of love they needed. They had a stepmom but I don't think she was the best. I now have a relationship with oldest son. My second son is very nice to me if I see him but he is more of a loner. And then my third son and my daughter resent me because I wasn't there emotionally for them even though I was there physically. But when it comes down to it, if someone could surgically look into my heart, they would see the love was there for all four of them, it was the circumstances that were all wrong. At least I have figured that out after 30 years. We all have a story to tell of our lives. It is the time of year I go into great retrospection anyway.(that was a big word for me)I think it because it is my birthday 2 days after Christmas, it is always the New Year, and I have never admitted this before to anyone, at this time of year, 26 years ago I had an abortion. That was very traumatic for me, and I didn't expect it to be. I thought my husband doesn't want the baby, I will have an abortion, everything will be fine. If you think I am emotional now, I was a basketcase full of fruit going to market upside down then. This went on for months and then years. I am of the firm belief I took a precious life out of pure selfishness, end of story. But here I am now, looking back on the tapestry of my life. Good and bad, it has all woven into where I am today, and who I am today. My husband thinks I am the nicest woman he has ever known. I tell him I am so nice because he is so nice to me. Noone is perfect but he has very few things about him that really bother me. They are not big enough to make an issue over.I guess I had better save my thoughts for another time, this is becoming quite lengthy. Until we meet again- thanks for reading this-
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Hormones are like a box of Chocolates 12-17-2005 - 01:58 PM
I am backkkk. Just thought I would write some more today. No real issues today, its amazing how my hormones control my moods. I am so much better today then I have been for days. I have been really, really down and then today I am ok. Whats that all about? With every day , the surgery is looming before me. I think I am trying to ignore the passing of time so that maybe it will go slower. What a way to start the New Year! I have a son that is not speaking to me. he is 29 years old and is mad at me because I live here in the Uk and not closer to him in the USA. So he is not speaking to me. It does seem like he would be happy for me, that I am happy for the first time in my life. These last four years here have the happiest years in my life. I found unconditional love with my husband , which I had never found with any man. For the first time in my life I can love and be loved. I have tried to reach out to my son but he is so angry. I hope that he finds space in his heart sometime to forgive me of whatever he thinks I have done wrong to him. Life is to short at its best to hold grudges. I have always said forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I don't like my ex but I forgive him. I don't have to see him anyway, thank God. I am just rambling again,rambling rose. I think this is a great web site, I have learned so much. Its broadened my mind, to see how many people are going through the same trials and tears. I hope you all have as good of day as you possibly can!
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Cleaning the Clutter 12-17-2005 - 10:36 AM
Today I decided to quit moping around and get something accomplished. I cleaned our office room, and I am now sitting here feeling much more organized. I haven't even been thinking about the hysterectomy, my body's aches and pains, nothing. Just been busy sorting, throwing away, moving things around etc. I hung some pictures up on the wall of my husband and I from when we were met in 2001. I guess that is part of this process I am going through of trying to become more aware of what is really important in life. I had pictures of my family and grandkids everywhere, but my husbands and I's pics were collecting dust in a drawer. I wish I looked half as good now as I did then. Hopefully better days are ahead. I will write more later.
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Rainy Days and Mondays Always get me Down 12-16-2005 - 06:46 AM
If I let myself I could really have a big cry. I try not to stay in that realm, thats why I thought I would write now. Sometimes I think I have a thin veneer of distance over me, to keep me intact from my own feelings and others.I have always been good at putting up walls and living in my own world. But my world seems to be crashing down, a world that I no longer have control over. That is the worse thing I hate about disease and sickness, we don't ask for it, it is so depressing. I must be a control freak, I hate not being in control. I hate not being able to smile when people ask me how I am and say fine even though I am lying and they know I am lying by one look at me. I look like a ghost, I have never been this pale in my life. My husband even said today, I hope you don't mind me saying but you look terrible. I couldn't get offended because thats exactly the way I feel, terrible. I feel washed out, drained, zapped of all energy, at deaths door. So there I am not fine. I know noone wants to hear that but it feels good to say it and not expect any strokes from it. I found something that takes my mind off of eveything, planning my garden. I am planning the color scheme, then I have to plan the plants I want. I ordered some seed catalogues, and got a good garden book on healing gardens for body and soul. It keeps my mind occupied and uplifted and forgetting or ignoring the pain I am in. I am going to have lots of yellow in my garden because yellow is a cheerful color.I am also going to have lots of plants in the blue spectrum. Blue is healing and calming. I am going to go for lots of climbers and plants with heavenly scents. I already have several lavender plants that are quite healthy. I also have honeysuckle and Jasmine. My husband is going to build me a water feature. I just want a small one,just the sound of water flowing and the sunlight on the water is nice.I really have a problem with heart palpitations. I take a Beta Blocker for it but it doesn't help that much. I have two things going on in my body at the same time. Last year I was diagnosed with Graves Disease which is hyperthyroidism. Now I am all whacked out hormonally because of the fibroid and heavy bleeding which is all due to pre-menopausal problems. So..... which is causing what as they can both have the same identical symptoms? Then when I go in for my surgery, everything that looks remotely female in the bottom half of my body is adios, which sends me into instant menopause. I think I have been praying for menopause since I was 40, I didn't exactly get what I wanted. I think naturally is the best but sometimes that just isn't the option. Especially since my Mother didn't go into menopause until she was 58. She had no problems, just woke up one morning and said "oh I didn't have a period this month". And then proceeded to continue her life as normal. No night sweats, mood swings, heart palpatations, nothing. How lucky can one be? But then my sister died at 48 of cancer in her uterous, which spread into other parts of her body. I don't have any idea if she had heavy periods as I have had all my life. There was a 20 year gap in our lives where we never spoke or seen each other. I cried more at her funeral for a relationship that never was. I know the way they discovered the cancer was that she had to go into ER because she was hemmoraging. The last 3 months there were times I almost went there myself for the same reason. I think that is one of the things that concerns me about this fibroid. Even though there is only a 2% chance that it could be malignant, I seem to specialize in being the rare one. Thats what my Dr. said about me being hyperthyroid. He said only 2 to 3% of people that have something wrong with their thyroids are hyper, they are normally hypo, so I have to be the difficult one. This fibroid is getting so large, its actually pushing up against my navel area and making it hurt, along with everywhere else. Well as you can see, I write like I talk, on and on and on.Just give me half a chance that someone might be listening, and I am off from the starting gate like a race horse. I will probably write more later on today. As my husband works nights now, they do get long and lonely. So pull up a chair , grab a cup of tea or coffee and commiserate with me.
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Pain in Body and Soul 12-15-2005 - 12:22 PM
This is a time in my life that is beyond me. I am coping, but only with my head just above the water. I will be 53 , two days after Christmas. Birthdays are no longer a major issue for me, basically I am just happy to have one. I have learned the secret of not living in the past, I live for today, this moment. Yes my body is in pain with this fibroid growing and pressing and aching inside of me. Yes my mind is finding it hard to accept that my dear sweet Mom has newly diagnosed cancer in her small intestines. Yes, it is hard not to worry about my daughter who most likely has MS. She has had symptoms for months, noone has been able to find out the reason. Finally the Doctor could be on the right trail this time. She is only 27 with two young children. Maybe it is a good thing being anemic, and tired all the time like I am. I am to tired to cope with it all. They are both thousands of miles away. They want to help me, I want to help them, but noone can help anyone. I think this will be very good for me, writing in here. I have always like to write my feelings down when I thought noone was there to really listen.Soon, I will have surgery. I have mixed emotions. Basically it is something I have to do to get better even though it involves alot of pain. It does not matter that I am afraid of the unknown, that is perfectly normal. What matters is that I get better. 3 months ago the fibroid was the size of a baseball. Now it is the size of a grapefruit. I had to get larger clothes just to accomodate it. I haven't gained weight anywhere else but there. I look like I am 6 months pregnant but have the pressure pains of the last month of pregnancy. Which really it is, it is the last month of having all my bits,ha.You gotta laugh, they are all worn out anyway, they have done their job. I have had 4 beautiful children, I have 4 beautiful grandchildren. The continuity of life continues on. I had my first period when I was 11. Throughout my life I have had very embarassing moments of heavy bleeding. The last 6 months have been the worse. So I say adios amigo, you have done your job. Hey, I think I have talked myself into being happy. Why not?
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