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hunnybunches's Journal
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Surgery date is set 12-13-2005 - 08:46 AM
I just found out I need to have part of my vulva removed. A growth needs to be removed, considering my history of breast cancer and my sister's cancer.

It just seems like everything happens to me. I so rarely come visit this site anymore because I dont feel like i have anything positive to say. I don't even know if I should be posting this.

I do know, however, that i Need to stay positive. I need to look at the good things in life. Christmas is coming, my favorite time of year. My kids are truly a blessing, and I praise God for them every day.

And my friends on here. You all have listened to me, supported me and care about me. What would I do without you? How can I ever repay you?

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My big sister is dying. 09-29-2005 - 07:17 AM
well, the end is near. My sister has been admitted into hospice care. The cancer spread to her heart and brain.

I can't believe I am going to lose my big sister.

For me, I'm not well. I think the stress is causing some pelvic pain issues. I see the doctor today. Bladder testing is on Tuesday. I hope it is something just so it can be treated.

Not a long entry today, I am so sad.
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update! 09-22-2005 - 04:40 PM
Today was another doctor's visit. I know I haven't been writing much, but I have been reading. I am spending some time just dealing with all that has happened to me.


First, my sister. She's still alive. and she has a GRANDDAUGHTERLily Laura Pierce was born on August 27. I am a great aunt! Can you tell I am excited?

I am in school, along with all of the health issues. I am going in a few weeks for more testing on the bladder. Since the bladder repair done in February it just seems like my bladder isn't the same.

Breast. What can I say? I was ****ed lucky! I don't have to do chemo. Wow! Radiation, well, okay. Not so lucky on that front, but at least its not chemo.

endo? well, pain. yes, that pain is back. I'm not bad enough to need meds yet. and I am hoping I will NEVER need to take them again. But we'll see.

I know I'm not posting, but I am reading. I am following everyone's tale and am so glad to see so many new princesses around here.


Hugs to all

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The new and the old. 07-12-2005 - 03:02 PM
You know, so much has happened to me. My life has been so busy. I miss all my wonderful friends on here, I have been reading all of your journals so I know what's happening with each of you.

I haven't been so open with myself as I've been down this road. After the long battle wtih endo, and the numerous surgeries that accompany it, it seems that I'm a patient forever. I have not had significant pain since the surgery in February, and that I am praising God for. The breast is still healing, it's frustrating.

Along wiht the breast absess, I should tell you that I have recieved news this past month. A new lump brought me to the doctor, and a biopsy taken. Cancer. Stage 1. So I finished radiation therapy, and hopefully will not face chemotherapy at this time. My older sister, given 2 wks to live almost 2 months ago, is still fighting. She will hopefully make it a long time, long enough to meet her granddaughter in August.

So my life seems a testimony defying science. I always seem to be the difficult patient, the one that doesn't respond to Normal treatments. Makes for intersting doctor's visits though.

And hence the depression. I am battlling this dark hole, fighiting my way out. I will not let the depression ruin my life as endo and cancer have.

And now, I am back. I need you. I need my journal. I need to be needed.

~Hunnybunches of Oats
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I'm still around! Did you miss me? 07-09-2005 - 06:58 PM
Phew, it's been a long road. I'm still alive though! The depression (see my last entry) was a bad one, I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some meds. It's helping a lot. My psych. really thinks this all started with the hysterectomy. I'm not totally convinced, but who knows.

My breast absess is still healing, still open and pretty sore. I see the surgeon again Monday. Tired of this.

Just a short update, will write a longer note later.

Hunnybunches <------------It looks just like me. A little crazy!
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a mothers hand me downs to her daughter 05-31-2005 - 06:41 PM
I hate what my mother has bestowed upon me. Depression runs through the family, my mother was depressed as long as I can remember her. I don't have happy memories of those precious mother-daughter moments. I remember my mother some days never getting out of bed. MOping around.

And now I see it in myself. Thanks Mom.Depression. But I refuse to make my children hate me because of my illness like my mother did. My children deserve better than I got as a child.

I hate my mother for that.Shes still moody, and selfish. I hate her for everything.

Now today they started me on prozac. Which is fine. But what does one do until the prozac kicks in in 4 monhts? I can't live like this 4 months. I had to talk myself out of admitting myself into the hospital today.

why me? WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I cn't stop crying.
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Time to add hormones? 05-30-2005 - 08:06 PM
This weekend has been bad. I feel like a lunatic. i'm losing my mind. my close frined told me to cll my gyn and ask t obe put onhormones. What do you thinkg?

So ot of it i annot type.

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Got some bad news last night 05-26-2005 - 08:50 AM
My sister who is end stage cancer is dying. She's at home, comfort measures only, stopeed chemo and radiation.

It's so sad. My own Big Sister. I am crying as I type this entry, I can't believe it.

we were supposed to go camping tomorrow, I don't know if I want to now. Seems like I should be at home or with Melissa. Not out enjoying myself.

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step 2 05-19-2005 - 05:42 PM
The next step taken to move on in my life is having joined Curves. I joined this week. Have worked out already.

I need to do this to be healthy. DH wasn't happy, but if he can buy star trek toys then I can buy myself a membership to a fitness center.

Now, to break my ice cream and chocolate addiction.

:
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oh great......just what I needed 05-09-2005 - 07:43 PM
I had my final sociology class today, that is the one course I am taking that I am worreid about my grade in.

I made a big mistake. Somone cheated off my homework, and we both were accused of cheathing. For that homework, I got a zero.

What happened was that I took out the completed assignment to help him, and answered his questions. I did not put it back in the folder while I turned around to talk with my group about our group presentation. Never thought anything of it.

Come to find out, he copied. I get a zero.

See what I get for being nice. DH tells me I am too nice. No more. I will not help anyone anymore. I was so peeved I yelled at the guy who cheated.

Why do people walk all over me?

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post mother's day reflections 05-09-2005 - 10:02 AM
I did not post yesterday. I am emotional this mothers day. Though I feel I have no right to be. I got the best gift from DH, 3 months of free tanning at my favorite salon. And from my stepson, a beautiful hanging basket of flowers. I cried. I got a card and a flower to wear yesterday from my daughter.

I should be thankful. But I am emotional. I sobbed last night after Dh went to sleep. I ache inside, but I don't know why. I long for my life 2 years ago, carefree and healthy. What happened to that? I know what happened, I had a hyst, and my life will never be the same.

and I left a message for my mom. said happy mothers day. But since she is Po'ed at me, and not speaking to me she never caleld back. WEll, forget her. I don't need that rude behavior from a womna htat is supposed to be a christain.

take care all sisters.
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The first step to moving on in my life............ 05-06-2005 - 06:51 PM
This is a long entry. It contains sensitive material, and personal thoughts.

Let me sit down and tell what has been happening in my life. My breast is still infected, still open, and still ugly. My body has betrayed me. The parts of me that defined me as a woman have let me down. Every part of my womanhood has been traumatized, and I hate it.

Let me share a story. The story of a young girl; she was innocent, happy, and naive. Then one day, her innocence was shattered. She trusted a man in her life; one who was supposed to protect her and take care of her. Her older brother; an adult, known to her as her "big bro". ¯ Never again would she trust him. For that day, she was violated. Never again would her life be the same. She was too ashamed, too frightened to tell anyone. That very night after the first incident, she began to bleed. Her mother called them her monthly period.¯ But this girl was sure it was because she had been bad and had done something wrong. She had sinned. Who was that girl? It was me. I was 12 at the time. Those two years of anguish and repeated violations was the first time my body would be traumatized. And to this day I wonder if it was the reason for my ongoing problems.

From age 14 on, I had difficulties. My first pelvic exam was at 14 Ā½. I was embarrassed and ashamed again of my body. I had pain with every cycle, and heavy bleeding. No doctor would take me seriously. I was told that I liked being sick. One doctor even told me that I needed to accept the fact that I was a woman and deal with it.¯ One kind physicians assistant prescribed birth control pills in hopes to regulate the cycles, but my strict father put a stop to that. In his eyes, taking "The Pill" meant I was a *****. And no way was his innocent daughter going to take that kind of medication. I soon learned to stop complaining and suffer in silence. My father would yell at me if I even looked pale, so there was no use letting the pain and gushing blood stop me.

After I got married, I found a wonderful gynecologist who really cared. He found a reason for my pain, and wanted to help. For the first time in my life, I was given pain medication, and the pain was actually tolerable. I was able to get on birth control, and my bleeding slowed. After my miracle baby daughter was born though, we realized it was too late. The endometriosis had taken over my insides. I was wheeled in for a hysterectomy at the age of 27. Despite removing both ovaries, the endometriosis proved to be resistant, and continued to grow. It took two more surgeries after the hysterectomy to finally clear the endometriosis out of my body and repair the damage it had done. I am now living with absolutely no hormones to define my womanhood. Menopause, and smundlation, all before the age of 30.I had again been betrayed. The organs that defined my fertility had failed me. I was left feeling like only half a woman.

Within a month of the last endo surgery, I discovered a breast lump. After a mammogram, it was determined I needed a lumpectomy. The verdict was pre-cancerous cells: Breast Cancer, stage 0. I eventually may need a mastectomy. However, after that seemingly minor surgery I developed a post-operative infection. Again, womanhood betrayed me. I am still battling the infection. Five times, my breast has been cut into. I have an ugly scar, and my breasts are disfigured. They are uneven, and will never be the same. The only parts left of my womanhood are now ugly, and I am ashamed.

People tell me that a body does not make me a woman. I understand where they are coming from. Not many can relate to all that I have been through in my short life. Every part of me has been traumatized and betrayed me. I have had more surgeries in the past two years than many will face in an entire lifetime.

I still suffer, I still hurt. I ache for the sibling I cannot give to my little girl. I ache thinking that she too may face the pain and discomfort of endometriosis and the fear and anguish of breast cancer. I, however, will do all I can to make sure she never has to deal with the trauma of rape, as I did. If I can help it, she will never be violated as my brother did to me.

This entry was written over the span of the past weeks. As I have realized I have a lot to come to terms with before I can fully recover,¯ I began to understand where the depression was coming from. Now that I have admitted my anger and guilt, I may truly begin to heal. With God's strength, I can one day heal.
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*asks shyly* Can I come back and play? 05-05-2005 - 04:56 PM
*I promise I'll be nice!*

I am sorry for my last entry. I am going through a bit of depression and was feeling overwhelmed. It's so hard, I feel like a medical misfit, and all I want is to be healthy.

The responses to my last post made me cry. I felt so awful for what i had said. I realize now how many people I hurt by my selfishness.

If you can put up with a whiny hunny, could I stick around?

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My last post here......so long Sisters 04-24-2005 - 09:42 AM
I think it's time to move on. I am no longer a useful part of this community. I am not supportive, nor am I helpful to those who need me. Lately, all I want is support, I don't have the inner strength to give it anymore. I fear I am too needy for this amazing community of brave women.

I have been considering this for a while now. I don't feel my entries in the journal are helpful to anyone, and I feel I may be turning into a negative aura around here. You don't need that.

Thanks to many people on here, too many to list. You made this journey bearable. Now, its time to move on.

I also fear my story of recurring endometriosis could scare Ladies In Waiting. I don't want to frighten those suffering with endo, hoping a hysterectomy will cure them. For some it will. Reading my story could scare an already nervous Princess or Princess to be.

Thank you dear sisters. hugs to each and every one of you.

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Time for a second opinion 04-23-2005 - 11:44 AM
I decided it's best to get a second opinion over this whole infection thing. After yesterday's less than productive appointment with the surgeon, DH and I decided it's time for someone else to take over. So I called my former GYN, and she gave me the name of a specialist (after chiding me for not calling sooner ). ANyway, the specialist wants to see me tuesday. My surgeon appointment was disappointing, as I am ill, vomiting, feverish, breast is swollen, and he thinks it's "the flu." he doen'st seem to think an open infected wound should still hurt, so my reports of pain are brushed off. My 10 pain pills should have lasted me til at least the end of the month. I would like to have him cut open and see if it hurts.

She specializes in Breast Cancer and breast biopsies. So hopefully she can shed some light on this troublesome post op seroma infection.

I am discouraged at the progress I've made. I'm saddened by my appearance now, as the incision is UGLY! I've gained weight, and I'm pale all the time. I have bags under my eyes, and I feel like [email protected]!

I hope that she can help me. Just speaking with her office staff encouraged me a bit, as they sounded genuinely concerned about my problem, and willing to fit me in soon. Then again, my current surgeon seems to care, and his staff is nice, but I"m not getting any help from him. I hope this new doc doesn't prove to be bad, or I may just lose all faith in the medical profession.

I am happy to report that my endo problems seem to be gone now. I hope that now that he's been evicted, that evil dragon decides to take up residence somewhere else now, like maybe the bottom of the Arctic Ocean or something!
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Pain Med Blues 04-19-2005 - 01:50 PM
I just have to vent here. Today while at school, after changing my packing and everything, I had pain in my breast. So I took 1/2 (yes, only 1/2) of one of my vicodin. I was hurting so bad, and I knew that 1/2 would be effective, and not have the side effects. My so-called friend accused me of "popping pills" and asked me if I was addicted. I am so hurt. I am not addicted.

Yes, I am on some meds that some people call bad. But are they bad if I need them to function. If I was addicted, I wouldn't be taking them for pain, would I?

I shouldn't be second guessing myself. If I have pain, I need them. I don't take them if I don't. I must have a reason if my surgeon is willing to prescribe them for me.

But it really bothers me that people judge me for being on meds that I need to function. And for those who wonder, I have tried taking ibuprofen when the pain starts, eventually it gets worse, and then nothing touches it. I need to keep the pain under control.

I AM NOT AN ADDICT!
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The new me! 04-15-2005 - 04:35 PM
OMG, my family doctor, Dr A, who I haven't seen in years called me just now. Actually, it started with his nurse, V, who I sing in the church choir with. They have been getting reports from the surgeon, and V called to tell me that she was thinking of me, and praying for me. Then Dr A got on and told me he was praying for me as well. I haven't seen him, but he's seen Molly on occasion, as well as Todd and Alex. It was so nice to know they actually care about me! (this doctor never calls ANYONE unless it's necessary!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got brave today. I had my hair colored. Now it looks so different! It's much lighter, almost real blonde, and much nicer. My Love says I look much better. My last hairstyle I looked so young, like a teenager. My Love tells me I look sophisticated. I feel so much better too. It's suprising how much a new look can change an attitude!



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feeling more confident about my doctor now 04-15-2005 - 06:32 AM
I got the second opinion from my trusted GYN about this breast lumpectomy gone bad. He was very caring, even called the surgeon to talk with him about some of the things he was doing. They consulted, and then my GYN called me at home. They agreed it would be best to pack the wound and have me change the packing 3x per day.

Yesterday I somehow managed to pop the one stitch in the wound. Got in to see the surgeon. The first thing he said was that he is glad I called my GYN and asked to be seen. He told me if it was his wife in my spot, he'd have done the same thing. He's glad I have such a good relationship with my GYN that I felt I could call him. I needed to hear that, and that reassured me that I am doing the right thing. I know Dr P (surgeon) is taking good care of me. He really cares, and I am comfortable continuing with him. Let's hope it's not too much longer, because frankly, I am sick of seeing him!

The wound was packed. Currently it is measuing at 3" long,and about 1 1/2 centimeters wide. It is 3" deep though! YIKES! I am no longer allowed to shower, as the wound cannot get wet. So I am depending on sponge baths twice a day (I feel soooo stinky!) and wash my hair over the tub every morning. I would love a good long soak in the whirlpool!

I am comfortable with the surgeon and he spent a long time yesterday calming my anxieties and just listening to me. I am so emotional lately, and I know it's the stress with this whole thing.

I've been PMing Sweety Tweety back and forth about this. She is one of the few who really know what this is like. She's been a wonderful support for me and for my husband, who is treading in new territory with this. Sweety, I couldn't do this without you!

My family continues to hang in there. I can see the frustration in all of them though. I have been the major source of stress for them. With my endo surgeries, the hysterectomy, more endo surgeries, and now a lumpectomy gone bad, it's no wonder they are stressed. After all, I am stressed too!

Again, I am at a point where I am saying I just want my life back. First it was the horrible pelvic pain. Thankfully that is gone, and I pray it never comes back. I am a frequent flyer at the surgeon's office, trying to joke with the staff to keep the mood light. I even joked with the surgeon and his nurse that after this all I would take them out for a drink. And believe me, I want a strong one!

I am taking my friend's advice and pampering myself. I set an appointment for a hair coloring this afternoon. I love my hairstylist, she's wonderful. Spending time with her is always fun. I am buying her a soda and bringing a treat for them all. When I am there I feel pampered!

I suppose I should get off my duff and get moving. I have tons of work to finish at school, and this afternoon is Pampering time!

Have a wonderful Friday, sisters!
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Decided to get a second opinion 04-12-2005 - 02:05 PM
After seeing the surgeon yet again, and him telling me "it looks really good. Here's some more antibiotics." I am frustrated. The incision is big, ugly, and I feel so ugly when I am naked. My husband keeps telling me I am still sexy, but how can I be with this monstrous gash on my breast?

I called the GYN surgeon's office, and he's going to see me tomorrow. I want him to check out the incision, and see what he thinks. He has been my GYN for years, and he was the one who referred me to this surgeon for the lump in the first place.

I am in so much pain, it hurts so bad. I actually considered having a beer after school hoping the alcohol would help. I won't do that. That's not going to help me. So I will shower tonight and have the warm water ease some of the discomfort.

I wish I could be normal. I wish I could turn back the clock, and reconsider all of this. But I can't,,,,,so I must go on.

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Lansdcaping pics! 04-11-2005 - 09:46 AM
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=999&gid=7136434&uid=2922819&members=1

Yesterday we did some more landscaping projects. Check it out!

This was on a good day! However, today I am feeling the pain, and regretting my choices yesterday. But the final product was worth it.

Today my breast incision is wide open, and bleeding bright red blood. I should have stopped when I hurt yesterday instead of trying to finish just one more project!
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We shared a good laugh at myself today! 04-10-2005 - 10:47 AM
I have to find humor where ever I can.

I went out to buy supplies today for my wound. Guaze, tape, sponges, and nonstick applications....I stood in line at the pharmacy, along with a bottle of ibuprofen, my Lorcet script and some bandaids for Molly. DH joked I looked like i was stocking a hospital or something. I went from being a walking pharmacy to a walking hospital supply closet!

It's good to laugh at my miseries!

need a bandaid, need some meds? Ask Hunnybunches!
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Venting about DH today 04-09-2005 - 12:02 PM
I am very depressed today. DH is moody,and short tempered. I know he is tired of me being sick, but darned it all, SO AM I! I don't like this anymore than he does. He's so distant, and everything I say he contradicts. I hate it, I am in tears I am so frustrated. He was telling me that when he found out about my emergency surgery for my breast abscess, he thought it was funny. He told me he was laughing about it to his co-workers. How insensitive and rude.

It may be funny to him, but I was so scared. I am tired of him and his attitude. I am sick of his ego, and I am hurt by his comments to me today.

I just want to go away for a while. Away from Todd. I wish there was somewhere I could go. He'd never stand for it though. That would mean he would have to take care of the kids, and he would get angry.

Today he decided to go buy some bushes/trees for the berm in the back yard. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him. Then he tells me "well I had pictured this" and we bought that. He always asks me what I think, and then it doesn't matter, because he buys what he wants anyway. It has always been like this, but it seems that lately it bothers me more. I feel like I am losing my mind. This is all just too much.

I could vent for hours on here, but I have a Sociology test to study for.

Thanks for listening! ((HUGS))

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Not really feeling like a "woman" lately 04-07-2005 - 09:19 AM
I seem to be plagued by female problems. I've had troubles with menses since I began them at the age of 12. Years of undiagnosed pain and heavy bleeding. Difficult labor turned into an emergency c/section. Finally a hysterectomy at 27.

Now this. Breast lumps, pre-cancer. And a horrible infection. My breast is ugly, and always will be now. I will have a permanent ugly reminder of my misfortune. And my husband will always remember this too. Every time he sees it, he'll know he is married to a "half" a woman.

I don't feel like a whole woman anymore. I don't feel sexy anymore, and am afraid My Love will get tired of me and find someone else who is healthier and sexier. I wish he knew how much I really love him, cherish him, and care about him. I tell him, but I don't know if he really knows how much he means to me. He's my world.

Last night, though I was feeling poorly, I "took care of his needs." I did this so he knows I love him, and I hope it helps our relationship. I sense he is tired of me being sick. Well, I am tired of being sick too. But I can't tell him that. I need to keep upbeat and positive. I can't let him know I am feeling like this, because I don't want him to have to take care of me all the time. He has enough worries of his own, let alone caring for his chronically infected wife.

To top it off, I am in so much pain today. This morning, my breast is swollen and draining like crazy. I take 2 pain pills every 4 hours exactly just so I can function. Otherwise I am a miserable, wimpering blob on the couch. At this rate, I won't have enough pain meds to make it through the weekend.

Okay, enough feeling sory for myself. Time for another dose of meds, and then its off to school. I wish I could stay home and sleep though. I really don't feel well enough to go.........but I have to. Then its off to the doctor again for post op visit. I shudder just at the thought of him touching my poor breast.

~Hunnybunches~
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on the road to recovery 04-06-2005 - 09:19 AM
I am doing okay today. Of course, this really hurts. Four incisions in a matter of a mnoth is rather traumatic to my poor breast. Meds make me groggy, and kind of spacey. But the infection alraedy feels better. It doesn't feel as full as before, & fever is gone!

Srurgery center called to check on me, told me to call doc abut discomfort, waiting to here from him. He's off todya, but nurse is going to page him.

plz excuse the typos, I'm so tired! off for a

~Hunny

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Went back to the OR again today 04-05-2005 - 03:08 PM
It was infected. Taken in for Emergency surgery to debris the abscess. Got home 10 minutes ago. Open wound to care for again.

Feeling rotten, and depressed.

Will post more later.

~Hunny (I am sure you all think I am a sickie or something with all my woes. Really, I am not like this normally. Whatever normal is anymore.)
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Is it back again? 04-03-2005 - 05:19 PM
I wonder...it can't be true. I know the pain and swelling is back. But my infection can't be back. How can it be? I have only been off antibiotics for four days! I can't deal with this!

I guess it's time for a call to the surgeon tomorrow. I don't want to call him again, but I don't have a choice. DH wants me to call him today. I want to wait to see if the symptoms go down on their own. Maybe it's post op healing.....I wish I had a vicodin! OUCH.

I am so upset. I just don't want to do this anymore.

~Hunnybunches
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WOW! It's great to feel well 04-01-2005 - 05:01 PM
I feel like I could jump up and down. I can't believe how well I feel. My endo pain is gone, and my breast is healing. Still open and ugly, but no pain! Ladies, this is the first time in 2 years I have been totally pain free! I still have to take it easy though. It does hurt to jump, and to run! Believe me, I tried!

I pray every day for my sisters on here who are not doing as well as others. Those who are in pain, or have complications resulting from their surgeries.



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Healing nicely.....finally! 03-28-2005 - 10:33 AM
I made it! My doctor has cleared me! The wound is still open, but healing nicely. He's not concerned about drainage because I am on antibiotics....he told me I didn't have to return for a visit unless it's necessary!

Easter went okay. I had a good time. No big arguments, however my mother was very moody at me. That's okay with me. I won't let it bother me.

Back to school today, spring break was nice, but it's over.

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3/26/05 wound update. GROSS! 03-26-2005 - 06:40 AM
3/26/2005 (Entering this so that I have record when I return to the doc in 2 days.)

Feeling rough again. Lots of incisional pain, wound seems to be oozing green gunk again. Guaze pad keeps sticking to the wound. I wonder if I am doing more damage when I change the dressing. Temp 101.2 Looks like Easter will be spent at home if I don't feel better.


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This easter weekend 03-25-2005 - 08:44 AM
On the Friday, Good Friday, the day of Christ's death for our Sins. He died so that I wouldn't have to. He cleared my sins.

I am thankful, and I will follow Him. He is my leader. Praise the Lord!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then why do I dread this holiday? Ever since childhood, Easter and Thanksgiving were unpleasant holidays. The family was stressed, usually fighting. Fighting over the rolls because they weren't perfectly shaped. Fighting because the pie was purchased instead of homemade.

We are going to my sister's for Easter. I don't want to. My mother will be there, and I don't want to see her. My disfunctional family.

It will all be over in 3 days........then I can get back to my life!
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DH IS HOME! 03-23-2005 - 10:28 PM
A quick note to let all know. My Love is home, safe and sound!

:

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Back from the doctor 03-23-2005 - 12:50 PM
Gee, I feel like I am always going to the doctor......does it ever end?

Anyway, he had to re-open the wound, and drain it again. Also packed the space (about 2 feet of packing in that little 2 inch incision!) Can remove the packing tomorrow, but won't have to repack it (it would be impossible to repack it by myself, he had to use tweezers to get it down in the hole. I still have to change the guaze 4x daily, and monitor drainage and all that gross stuff. The wound is now a full 3 inches,and very deep. He will not close it either.

He told me I am in the 1% of the lumpectomy population that develops a severe infection. He had to write up an incident report about my case to go to the hospital because it's an infection directly relating to my surgery. Gee, should I get the gold medal? (I think NOT!)

I feel thankful for my surgeon. He did so much to calm me down preparing for this surgery, talked and soothed me in the OR, and afterwards did more talking and comforting. Today he came in on his day off to take care of me. I know my DH thinks he's kind of doofy, but I don't care. That doc really cares about me.

Off to pick up my Rx at the pharmacy and see if I can catch some zzzzz's before DH gets home. I feel awful after that procedure today!

~Laura
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Let the holiday stress begin 03-23-2005 - 10:08 AM
I just talked with my sister. Now, those who know me know that I avoid my side of the family during holidays, because they're always so stressful. Todd hates going to see my family because frankly my family is the definition of disfunctional. But anyway, she wants us to come over for Easter.

It will be small, and only her, grandma, Todd, Molly, my mom, and I.

Okay. But......a week after my lap surgery, my mother called me and chewed me out because I was driving...yes, because I was driving. And I decided to go to classes. (doctor approved it) SHe told me that I am disrespectful, and rude, and she doesn't want anything to do with me ever again.

I am okay with that, because life is a lot easier without a manic-depressive, bipolar mother who won't take any meds.

She has no idea about the breast lump, the recent infection, any of that. She's gonna be peeved that I didn't tell her about it. But why should I make the first call when I was the one who did nothing wrong.

Easter will be a bummer this year. I am sure it will be my grandma's last Easter, she's not doing well. I feel like I have to go, and don't want to.

I know I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to do........but when I don't show, I'm the black sheep of the family for months afterwards. I just recently regained status after missing Thanksgiving because Molly and I both had the flu.

Why doesn't she ever come over here. The road goes both ways, and I'm tired of driving an hour out of the way for dinner turned into a battleground.
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I did it....I put the call in for more meds 03-23-2005 - 07:14 AM
During the night last night I was in excruciating pain, I used those precious last 2 vicodin, and an ice pack. It was a miserable night. The meds helped alot, but I felt so "high". I am glad it was night, and Molly was asleep. I hate feeling high, but the meds did help so much with the pain.

I am awaiting a call back from the surgeon. I may have to go in again today depending on what he says. I just feel so washed out. I know part is from not sleeping well last night. It was after 3:30 before I fell asleep. Molly woke me up at 7:00.

okay, doc just called. I go in at 12:30 today. They are calling in more vicodin for me.

Thanks for all the support. You gave me the kick I needed to make that call. I already feel better about it!

What wonderful sisters!

~Hunny~
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saw the Surgeon today 03-22-2005 - 09:05 PM
I'm on another round of antibtiotics. Duracef 1000 mg 2x per day. YUCK! He checked the wound, said things look good, but was concerned at the amount of drainage.

My entire breast hurts so bad, I am out of pain meds, and am afraid to ask for a refill. I've been popping vicodin like crazy just to be comfortable. But in the past, doctors have treated me like a druggie, and I'm afraid he'll think that. I know I should know better, but I'm sure some of you can understand where I am coming from.

This infection just has me feeling so wiped out. Tired, weak......don't know how much more I can take.

Todd comes home in 24 hours!!!!!!!!!!! 1 more day!!!!!!!!!!!

(gee, you'd think I was excited or something!)
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more ramblings 03-22-2005 - 08:21 AM
UGH! I am so tired of all this!

Anyway, yesterday was fun. I spent the day with my good friend and her son. Molly had a blast, and then we took the kids to McDonald's play land. We went to Wal-Mart, and I bought stuff for making easter cookies. Last night, Molly and I decorrated them. Messy, but fun.

Today I see the surgeon again. I wonder what will happen. My incision is big, and ugly. Yesterday I had the gauze stuffed inside my bra, and again, the blisters oozed and stuck to the bra. I accidentally yelped when I took it off, and Molly came running. What is wrong, Mommy? Who hurt you?

Tomorrow night Todd comes home. Time really did go kind of fast. I can't believe it's been a week already.

Gotta go. Daycare just called. Molly got hit in the nose, and needs to go to Urgent Care. I hope I make it to my surgeon appointment.
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kim and sweety tweety, how do you do it? 03-18-2005 - 01:43 PM
I have gained new respect for you ladies who have had to pack your incisions. How do you do that? My incision is ony 2 inches long by about 1" wide, and it hurts like you know what. I went back today, and he looked at it, and pulled it open to get it to drain more. YEEOOWWCCHHH!

Here I am with a maxi pad taped to my bra to catch the yuck. Popping Lortab like it's going out of style. Yes, I am a single mom, and not sure how I will make it until Molly goes to bed.

My goodness Kim308pl and SweetyTweety...... how do yo ladies do it? I don't think I can do this.

Laura
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Had to re-open the incision 03-17-2005 - 05:11 PM
After he drained about 20 cc's of fluid, he decided to open the incision. Drained 20 more cc's. OW! Gave me more pain meds, and I will see him again on Tuesday. It hurts so bad. It's draining so much I am using maxi-pads and still leaking through.

So miserable.

Laura
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owie! And day 1 of DH's being gone 03-16-2005 - 04:33 PM
Tomorrow I am going in to have my infection drained. Today it has swollen up to twice the size of my other breast, and hurts like the dickens. I just want to cry. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to end up with all the complications? WAAHH!

I am using heat/ice to hopefully help, I was hoping heat would cure the infection, but no such luck.

( 0 ) (o) <--------That's what I look like right now. My friend asked me if I stuffed my bra too big this morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the home front, we're doing okay alone so far. DH has called a few times, and Molly got to talk to her Daddy. Right now we're making a calendar she can cross the days off til Daddy comes home.

I hope we do this well the whole time.....I really hope I can stay sane!

~Hunny
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OUCH! 03-15-2005 - 02:45 PM
I woke up this morning with a touch of what I thought was the flu. Fever, vomiting, chills, you know how it is. And the breast they operated on was sore.

This morning I finally looked at it. It's huge! Hard, red, swollen. I called the Doc on call, and he tells me to come right in.

I have an infection. And Thursday if I still feel yucky, they will drain the swollen area. I haven't hurt like this since I had mastitis 4 years ago!

Why can't anything be easy for me. Why not a simple recovery?
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Gonna go it alone this week. DH is leaving on a trip 03-14-2005 - 11:32 AM
Wednesday DH and SS leave for Florida. DH is a band director, and his group is performing at Disney world on Saturday night. I needed to stay home because I can't miss anymore classes, and I can't bear to leave Molly for a week. I cry when I think of him leaving, but I have a lot of fun stuff planned for the weekend. Molly and I will be doing a ladies night every night! Friday she's having a friend over to spend the night, so we'll order pizza and watch hours of carebears and Strawberry Shortcake. Saturday, we'll be lazy. Sunday is Palm Sunday, and we're attending the church pot-luck. Monday is the start of my spring break, so we'll go to Toys R US and buy Molly a new bicycle!

DH comes back on Wednesday the 23rd. I hope to just stay busy so I dont' miss my husband so much. I am sad he's leaving, and can't wait til he comes home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I see my GYN again. I plan on discussing the changes in the way I am feeling since I switched meds. I know I need some kind of anti-depressant, but isn't there one that doesn't have so many side-effects? Why can't I just feel normal?

Okay, enough rambling.

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Not feeling very good 03-13-2005 - 07:06 AM
I feel run down today. My Love tells me it is because I had surgery a week ago, and am only 5 weeks out from the lap which was pretty extensive surgery. I don't think it's surgery that has worn me down, I think it is the change in my depression meds. I never felt like this on the Lexapro. But since my GYN switched me to Effexor, I just haven't felt the same.

I hosted a Pampered Chef party yesterday. It was fun. I think I may host another one this summer. And I got some free stuff too! I love Pampered Chef, I just think it is very expensive.

Today we are buying a new car! My Love knows this guy who is selling his convertible. It's a '97 LeBaron, white with burgundy interior. We are calling it our Mid-life crisis car. I will post pics when we get home with it this afternoon.

I have to play in the church orchestra today, so I better get ready. Also sing in the choir. So, have a good rest of your weekend.

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Lumpectomy results are in 03-11-2005 - 07:23 AM
Breast cancer stage 0. Which is precancer.

Praise God it wasn't bad!

Laura
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In Memory of David William, age 12 03-09-2005 - 09:29 PM
I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. It just couldn't be the same couple I knew. He was too young to die. His parents aren't supposed to have to deal with this all.

David William Rich died Sunday at the age of 12 from meningitis. I am still in shock, numb. He's just a boy. He's supposed to be in the newspaper for scoring the winning basket. Not for "suspected meningitis kills local boy."

I am saddened, grieving. I can't fathom what my dear friends K and B are going through right now. A parent is not supposed to have to bury their child.

Tonight's candles are lit in memory of a truly wonderful boy, whose life was only beginning, when it was taken away.
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Today is the day, and other ramblings brought on by nerves 03-07-2005 - 06:35 AM
Today is my lumpectomy. Unfortunately over the weekend I found another lump in the other breast, and am going to request it be removed as well. That one is pretty deep inside, but I need it out for peace of mind.

Saturday, I found out my aunt (Dad's sister) is having a radical mastectomy for stage III breast cancer. Scary news to hear 2 days before a lumpectomy.

This is all very scary for me. With such a strong history of cancer, I begin to wonder if my entire womanhood, my entire being, is threatened. After losing my reproductive organs to the horrible endo dragon, and now facing breast surgery, I fear what the future may hold.

And knowing both parents also have/(had) high blood pressure and type I diabetes, I am sure to face a lifetime of medical troubles.

I wonder if it's time for a genetics counselor to get involved.

I wonder if it's time to be proactive, and change my eating habits.

I wonder if it's time to step away from this all, and remind myself that God is in control and He has a plan for me.

I must not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.

I will update all as soon as I can. Love to all of my wonderful sisters!
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reflections of the past, I am a new woman 03-03-2005 - 10:25 AM
My final appointment with Dr OC was good. She agreed that the biopsy is necessary. So I will go ahead and have it done. I'm not looking forward to it, but it is necessary.

Her entire staff was so excited that my pain is gone. She hugged me, and I got cheers as I left the office. It's so good to be healthy. The receptionist told me I'm alot different than that sickly woman that entered the office 1 and a half years ago. I remember that day, I thought I was going to die I was so sick and in pain. The first 4 times I visited Dr OC I ended up with a wheelchair escort to the hospital.

Now, I am healthy and happy. The pain is gone, and I am a new woman. A new woman with a lumpy boob!

The thought of yet another op is making me sick. I can't sleep and can't relax. I am physically ill from even thinking of the operating room.


I don't know why I am going through this all. It must be God's will. I am sure he has a plan, but I just don't know why.
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surgical biopsy scheduled for Monday 03-01-2005 - 02:49 PM
Monday, they will remove the lump surgically. Then send it for biopsy. Just can't do this anymore. Don't want to have another surgery. It's only been 3 weeks.

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That was my 200th entry! 03-01-2005 - 07:35 AM
(well, 200 public entries at least!)

I can't believe how much I've written on here, and what an impact you have all made on my life. I consider you all my sisters, and what a Divine Sisterhood we all have here.

Kathy--thanks so much for this part of our wonderful site. It's been a blessing for me.

Laura
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Off to see the surgeon 03-01-2005 - 07:26 AM
I should find out what the plan is for this dead-blasted lump. I am anxious to get back to normal, without the worrying and anxiety. I am anxious to get my life back.

Last night i did too much. I was a naughty princess, and decided to try "it." Well, "it" HURT really bad, and today I am so sore. I wish I hadn't thrown away my pain meds last Friday, because I would take one right now. Ladies, now I know why my GYN told me to wait six weeks. I figured he wasn't in my vagina, so there should be no problem! Wrong again!

Wish me luck! and I will update when i return!

Laura
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I LOVE my GYN! 02-25-2005 - 03:52 PM
Now, how demented is that? His nurse just called me to see how I am. I had a mammogram today, and it wasn't a good experience. They told me it was nothing, even though I can feel the lump, my husband can feel it, AND my gyn felt it. But it's nothing? I told the nurse when she called about the rude radiologist and she told me she would tell my doc (who's also Chief of Staff.)

This breast lump is scary though. My sister had lots of cancer in her breasts, and this is scary for me. My aunts and my grandma also had breast cancer. The wait is the worst, but I have to be strong.

But it was so nice to know my GYN cared about me enough to check on me.

Next week is my final appointment with my other GYN, Dr. OC. She was wonderful, and was the one who performed my hysterectomy. And now, due to insurance changes, it's time to say farewell. My current doc, GYN (Dr. K) will be taking over my care, as he was the one who did my last surgery. I'm happy and confident with him, and am sure it's the best thing to do.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the weekend. Tonight I'm having a glass of Merlot, and Alex is having a friend spend the night. Homemade pizza and movies! And lots more wine!

Luv to all
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An excellent day, moving on from a previous challenge 02-24-2005 - 04:54 PM
In my years growing up, I was hated. Ugly, and the geek. All because my teeth aren't straight. You may have read (entry #50) that i have endured teasing most of my life.

I thought when I went to school this semester I would be teased even more. I was planning on being the loner, the little girl pouting in the corner.

Such is not the case. I have more friends than I ever had. Today was a high point in my educational journey. I was nominated for student senate. Believe it or not, people actually wanted me on their team.

For me this is unknown territory. I'm not sure how to respond. I wish I could thank them all, and hug the one who delivered the news of my "acceptance." I want to hug them all. I've never been liked before! (by people who can see my wierd face.)

WOW! This is a high point in my life for me. I don't know how to be "popular". I've never been. But now, my dear friends....I am.

And I can't wait! I am crying I am so happy right now!
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Mammogram was rescheduled. Friday 02-23-2005 - 03:02 PM
That means I can't see the surgeon until Tuesday. I don't think I can handle this. What else could go wrong? Why me?

2 days til mammo, almost a week til I see the surgeon. AARRGGHH!

Laura
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I can't calm down 02-22-2005 - 03:23 PM
With the recent news about a breast lump, I feel I am losing my mind. I am jittery, and can't calm down. I am sure it's nothing, but I still can't seem to soothe myself. Ladies, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

HELP!

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Okay, the caboose just isn't quite in sight yet 02-22-2005 - 06:02 AM
I am comparing my tale to a freight train speeding by. I'm waiting for the caboose, so I can move on. However, it's not quite here yet. I was at my GYN yesterday..I found a lump. On my breast. Mammogram and ultrasound today. See a surgeon Thursday.

I debated telling you all this, I don't want you to think I am a whiner or something. I have only told My Love this news, as I don't want anyone else to know right now. I hate being so needy, being the one people feel sorry for.

I feel bad for my husband. He's been through so much with me already, and now this to add to it. He's been so supportive, I do't want him to have to take care of me anymore. When is it my turn to take care of everyone else?

I never imagined this whole ordeal would take so long, or have so many twists and turns. I want off this roller coaster now, thank you.

I understand if you're tired of holding me up, as you've all been doing it so long now. I understand if you're tired of praying for me. I feel I've been such a needy person lately.

Like I said, the caboose isn't quite here yer. But believe me, when it passes, we're PARTYING!
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I'm back! update on me.. 02-20-2005 - 09:14 AM
Hi all

It's been a long road, and there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am fighting an infection, we're not sure what is infected, but since I was feverish, antibiotics were in order. It burns to pee, but no bacteria in the urine. Feeling weak and tired, but no reason for it.

I was very ill this week. So ill I could not be online, as I was too tired to see straight. My doctor told me this is normal recovery, as it was such a long surgery (2+ hours on the table) , and he did a lot of work in there.

The bladder mass was positive for active endometriosis. So we decide what to do now. Does this endo nightmare ever end? Everything else was massive scar tissue and adhesions. He told me he could see why I was in pain. So at least it wasn't all in my head.

This week was spent testing my bladder to be sure the repairs were holding. After a cystoscopy, he ordered a dye test to be sure no urine leaks out. No wonder it hurts so bad to pee right now!

As for school, it's challenging when I'm not feeling well. Hard to concentrate, and very hard to make myself do homework when I am hurting.

The good news! My right sided pain is gone. That was a mass of scar tissue, which he removed and put in some seprafilm to make sure none comes back. Also added some Gynecare to make sure no adhesions form (though they did that at my endo surgery last January.)

My doc has been wonderful, making sure I knew when he was on call, and how to reach him if he wasn't . I actually was at his office every day this past week. Do I get frequent flyer miles for being at the GYN Office five days in a row?

Thank you all for your support and prayers throughout this nightmare. I pray it's almost over, and I can become a whole woman again, confident and healthy.

A special prayer goes out today for my dearest friend Carla (jones74). I know she's not feeling the greatest, and has been having a rough time of it. Can we all say a prayer right now for her.

and, now for another pain pill and some homework.
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Waiting game....mass is "suspicious" 02-11-2005 - 08:22 PM
There ought to be a rule against calling and freaking out poor menopausal women that they have something "suspicious," but you can't come in til Monday to get results.

4:30 pm, Dr's office calls, and tells me the mass was suspicous looking, and preliminary results are in. But you can't come in til Monday, because we're closing for the weekend. WHAT!!!!

I'm temped to call my doc (he's on call) and have him put my mind at ease. But I won't bother him over a weekend.

So we wait........

after all this pain and hell, now this. Why can't something just be easy for me? I'm beginning to feel like a hypochondriac or something.

HOwever, I need to rejoice that my previous pain is gone, I'm not in the hospital, I'm getting better each day, and that God has given me the courage to make it through some pretty tough times. I am also thankful that I have cyber-sisters that hold my hand, and hug me and often provide me the comfort I need to remain strong.

No matter what happens, God is in control, and He has a Plan for me.

~Hunnybunches (wow, I've been sitting for a whole 7 minutes, a new record. See, I am getting stronger!)
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I'm back! I made it through! 02-11-2005 - 01:44 PM
Hi Friends and Sisters,

I missed you all while I was offline. I have been PMing Carla (jones74) and DH has even PMed her a few times to keep her posted.

I am doing okay. The pain for which I underwent this surgery is gone. Now all that's left is post op pain. Thank YOu LORD! I am so happy!

As you may know they put a hole in my bladder while taking a mass to biopsy. The catheter is a pain, but I can deal with it.

I can't sit too long. Still very woozy, and very weak.

This morning I got ill, vomited. Now my left incision hurts like h-e-double toothpicks. But I'm trying to be a good princess, and not do too much. However, you know I'm not one to sit too long, so it's challenging.

And sitting at the computer is still excructiating. So I'm going to sign off. Time for a pain pill, and a good long nap.

Good night dear sisters.
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Tomorrow's the day 02-07-2005 - 01:45 PM
I am spending today getting caught up on work. Housework, homework, and all the other work. Doin' the clear liquid diet, and just choked down the first of the "bowel prep" (NASTY!!!!)

I will write more tonight, after everyone else goes to SS's concert, and leaves me here alone to "go" in peace.

Getitng nervous. Having second thoughts about this all. I'm not sure about going in for more surgery.

Laura
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Ramblings of a nervous pre-op patient 02-02-2005 - 11:22 PM
I can't believe how much time has gone since my last entry. I miss being on HS so much. Now that school has started, I go days without being on, and I think I'm having withdrawals. I promise, my sisters, that this weekend I will get caught up on everyone's life, and start responding to your entries!

I'm 5 days away from surgery, and feeling scared. I am terrified this time around. Everyone says "You're an old pro, you know what to expect." Yes, I know what to expect, and that's why I am so scared. The thought of going to the OR yet again, for someone to cut into my belly AGAIN is scary, and I feel so out of control. I know My Love is feeling the fear too, he's just as nervous as I am about this.

The pain is kept at bay with painkillers. I am trying to save them though, just because I am afraid that someday I will need them and not have them. However, I do make sure I take a half when I need one to make sure I can function. It's so nice to have meds that work when I need them. Almost feels like luxury!

As for school. Phew, that's exhausting! My brain is fried--and it's only the second week. I've been working ahead so that I don't get behind while I'm out next week with the op. What do you think about going to classes a few days after the lap? My doc said absolutely not, but if you think, I'm going, sitting down, and listening. No lifting, bending, and minimal walking. Do you think it's feasible? I'd only walk from my car to my class (100 yds or so) and sit down in class. Then back to my car and straight home without stopping anywhere..................I know, I know. My Love said the same thing. ABSOLUTELY NOT! But I am so worried about missing a lecture or something important.

Otherwise, I've been preparing. Cleaning, cooking and freezing meals, and some more cleaning. I want to come home after surgery to a spotless house that smells clean. Which means I will have to kick my family out to live in the garage. (Family = messy house).

I suppose I should curl up with Mr Heating Pad for the night. Class at 8 am tomorrow, that means less than 6 hrs sleep.
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Despite the pain, I made iit through my first week of school 01-28-2005 - 08:11 AM
There were times when I wasn't sure if I was going to make it or not. I have some easy fun classes, and some challenging ones. It's all part of learning. I'm taking a document processing class, and trying to learn the correct typing. It's so slow compared to my old, fast, reliable method. I believe it will take me forever to type anything now.

The pain is bad today. I've taken some Vicodin, and it's making me very loopy. I'm kind of off in la-la land today. :twilight: I just want to be done with this pain. I am tired of feeling ill.

I thnk I'll go take a shower and hit the sofa for a nap.

Hugs to all.
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how much can a person take before they begin to go looney? 01-25-2005 - 06:03 AM
I ask this because I have scheduled my 7th abdominal surgery for endometriosis. February 8th 8 am.

I am not sure how I will handle school, family and now a surgery, but somehow, I can do this. I know I can. But I am scared, and a bit angry. This isn't fair.

I wish I could write more, but I have to get ready for school.

Laura
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short entry today. In much pain 01-21-2005 - 09:17 AM
yeah, I know, you're asking "so what else is new?" I'm sick today, hurting a lot, and the pain is making me nauseaous. I can't see straight, as I lost my contact lens somewhere in the shag rug in the bathroom. *blush*

Monday is my next appointment with the GYN. We will set a surgery date then.

Laura
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Lighting a candle in prayer for Sistersong........... 01-19-2005 - 06:15 AM
she goes in today for her royal coronation to become a princess.

Best wishes to you.

~Laura
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In the beginning stages of planning another operation 01-17-2005 - 08:46 PM
My GYN wants to look inside and see what's causing my severe pain. He was generous and gave me a script for Vicodin ES to help me make it through.

Next appointment 1/24, when we'll either set a date. Consulting with GYN/Onc to do the op. I can't do this. I jsut can't anymore. Too weak.

WAAHHH!

Laura (my vicodin is making me loopy, I'm going to bed.)
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What do you do when your insurance company fails you? 01-13-2005 - 09:39 PM
I just hurt so bad lately. I sat through class today fighting the tears, and got up at least 5 times to leave so I could cry in the bathroom (didn't want anyone to see me doubled over in pain.) But since insurance doesn't want to cover me, I guess it means taking whatever I can get from my GP.

Again I cross that bridge of chronic pain versus addiction. ER doesn't want you becasue you're a drug addict, when in reality you are just in pain, and need some help. If only those bad people searching for another script for vicodin, wouldn't have ruined it for those of us who really suffer.

I think I will call my referring GYN and see if he can help me. It hurts so bad, and I have nothing to take. Heating pad helps relax me, but doesn't help with the pain. Whirlpool...again....helps, but doesn't take it away.

I'm so tempted to take one of DH's pain pills. It's vicodin, I've taken it before. But I would feel like I was taking from him, and he just had surgery. He's so sweet though, an hour after surgery, he offered me a vicodin (the one the nurse gave him). (the ultimate true love!)

Ladies, I don't want to be a downer, but I just hurt so bad right now. I almost want to call the doc on call and have him tell me to go to the ER. I won't, but anybody out there with chronic pain understands where I am coming from. When is it my turn to be normal?

I think I will have a glass of wine, and relax. Goodnight ladies.

~Hunnybunches
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two down, 58 to go.... 01-13-2005 - 02:00 PM
credits I mean. I just finished two one credit courses. They were both easy. I am excited about the upcoming semester. But for now, I have some time off. A week to relax, breathe, and enjoy life.

I have been in a lot of pain lately. I am not sure why now all of a sudden it's unbearable, but I spent last night crying it hurt so bad. Now with my recent insurance woes, I am understandably feeling hopeless.

I need to take a Naproxen and curl up with my heating pad and watch Strong Medicine.

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reflections on a dysfunctional family 01-09-2005 - 04:45 PM
We spent Saturday in Milwaukee at My Love's family Christmas. IT was so much fun. Lots of family, laughs, and joy. I love his family. Which brings me to my point.

I enjoy his family more than my own. I feel like they have all accepted me, and love me unconditionally. However, my side still gets angry when life doesn't go their way. And it causes much grief on my part, as I still feel like I have to please them.

I know I can't make everyone happy all the time. But I feel like i let them down when I do something that doesnt' fit their agenda.

I got a cool birthday card from my brother in law (My Love's older brother) it was nice. My family hasn't even acknowledged my birthday is coming, and haven't for 3 years now. Maybe next year when I turn 30. HAH! January 11th is a celebratory day, as it's not only my birthday, but 6 years ago we were planning a wedding, and it was the day my Love told me he'd love me forever by giving me a dozen roses. (then he married me 11 days later.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a different note, there is a fundraiser Sunday for my sister who has cancer. Her medical bills are piling up, and their car is a beater taht is about to die. They could use the help. So I am helping to set up a bake sale and some bands at the bar she used to tend to raise some funds for her.

It should be fun!

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feeling alone and scared right now 01-06-2005 - 08:11 AM
I'm sitting here, taking a break from studying. Being in school so far has been fun. I am meeting new people, and am eager to study and learn the material. (day 3). I am a bit burned out on housework and meals though, since my only class right now is evening and I'm the one doing all the housework. Hopefully as more start next week, I will get a bit of help with chores.

My pain issues remain. I have good days, and bad days. I was in lots of pain last night, and nothing seemed to help. Considered calling my GP, but with 9 inches of snow, we're not going anywhere today. (except class tonight).

I got bad news yesterday, my insurance company won't cover pain management anymore, and they took my therapist AND GYN off the list of providers as well. I'm feeling a bit alone right now, as that leaves me with no knowlegeable doctor to help me through this pain. So I am on the hunt for a gyn who is willing to help me with chronic pain issues. Not many doctors are willing to do that aruond here. Most just accuse us of being druggies and send us out the door with orders to try taking it easy.

I have no pain meds, haven't had for over 3 months now. I don't want drugs, I just want someone that I can call, and they'll see me when hte pain is at it's worst, to support me, offer advice, and if truly necessary, give me a shot to help me through the bad times.

"Chronic pain" does not always egual drug addict.
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scary dream last night............any dream experts, please read! 01-05-2005 - 08:38 AM
Last night I had the most bizarre dream. I don't remember some parts of it, but the basic theme of it was that I was having an affair.

I woke up in a bed, not my own, next to a man I don't know. I was freaking out, asking him how I would explain this to my husband. I don't remember if we had sex or not, but I remember him telling me to tell Todd that he (the affair) just needed some comforting and we fell asleep. This man's wife agreed, and they accompanied me to tell Todd. Todd, of course was livid, and began crying and yelling just as I awoke

This scared me and I awoke crying. I have never even briefly thought of having an affair, as I love My Love more than anything. I immediately rolled over, holding him tightly, hugging him and kissing him. I feel guilty for the dream.

I am still upset by this, and am thinking of it often. I am not sure if I should share this with My Love, as he'll tell me dreams are the mind's way of working out issues on a subconcious level, and I know that. But I've never had a dream upset me like this. What does it mean?
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Today, I am a student 01-04-2005 - 01:51 PM
Today begins my new educational career. I begin my first class in 3 hours. I am nervous, but not afraid anymore.

LIfe is different now. No longer am I an employee. I am a student. I have more responsibilities. And I am not being paid for them either!

In my post op journey, I discovered my job seemed to exacerbate my pain issues. Though I miss the children I used to care for, hopefully this new step will allow me to heal completely. Not only physically, but emotionally. Taking care of infants seemed to cause me heartache for the baby I cannot bear. Each day I fought back tears, as I wanted what everyone else seemed to have. And lifting these often heavy little ones always took a toll on my abdomen, causing me to swell severely and often cry at the twinges and pains accompanying the discomfort.

So I try to start a new life. Move on from the past, and earn a degree, to help me be a better person, with a better job, and higher wages. And my dream is to be able to walk down the stage, wearing that cap and gown, having earned a true college education.

I am treading unknown waters now. Not sure how life will be. After all, my schedule is different, I must study, give up my evening Star Trek marathon viewing, and lean on my husband for support during the times of stress.

Well, my sisters. Time to get ready for my first day at school. Dear stepson wants to take pictures of me wearing my new backpack, just like I did when he started high school.

More later....................................................................
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The first entry of 2005, may it be a better year than last 01-02-2005 - 04:25 PM
I began the year with a hangover. No, I am not proud of it, but it's the truth. Too much wine and champagne. In a sense we were celebrating. Celebrating the beginning of a new life for me. No more wiping runny noses, and stress filled days of working for my ex-boss, the jerk. My new life.

First change- gotta lose 30 lbs. And exercise. The school where i attend is perfect for me to walk around the block during study breaks. Plan on starting once a day, moving up to twice a day, then lengthening the distance.

Second- the obvious. I am a full time student, earning a degree in business. I've got to switch gears, from worker, to student. Time to take charge of my life and responsibilities. Ya know, the thought of writing papers frightens me a bit. And math? That is just a scary concept.

Third- as a wife, and a parent. I must be more patient. Relax, and breathe. No fair yelling at Molly when I am stressed. She's just being a kid. TOdd deserves a calmer, more friendly wife. Now, any ideas how to implement this little plan?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the news of the day. We are contacting MY Love's ex. As she apparently has taken my stepson's bed away. How can she expect her kid to sleep on a mattress on the floor? Totally unfair. Just because her boyfriend's kids are caught stealing, my Love's dear son has to pay? I don't think so. My Love is going to call her and tell her that she has 72 hours to fix this, or there will be a call to the courts for a case of neglect. How frightening for my dear boy to have to go through this. This woman spoils her baby to the max, but her first born child, her first born son is left to sleep on a mattress? With no other furniture? Okay, deep breath. I"m calm again...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to my sisters out there. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. A very special prayer to Jones74, my friend. I know you're in pain. I am thinking of you. And hugs to you all.
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I have given a gift 12-27-2004 - 04:43 PM
Today I donated my first pint of blood. I read on here stories of women who have needed transfusions, and I decided that I needed to do my part. The gift of blood. I know soon this blood will go to a person who needs it, and I hope it helps to save a life. My sisters, if the opportunity ever arrises for you to give this gift, I recommend donating your blood, after all, you never know when it's you that might need those precious cells.

Christmas was successful this year. The kids were happy, and My Love and I had a blast watching the kids open their gifts. What a joyous time.

Has anyone ever heard of the Liberator? If not, I highly suggest it for those of us suffering from libido issues. It helped me! It is supposed to help our *AHEM* adult liesure activities improve. Google search it.


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Today was my final day as a preschool teacher 12-23-2004 - 03:27 PM
I am home now, to spend the holidays with family and friends. After choir practice tonight DH and I are going to share a bottle of wine!!! mmmmm, I can't wait!

I see my therapist next week, and sad to say, I am anxious for the appointment. I have so much I want to vent about the pain, school, family and life in general. I always feel so much better after seeing her. Too bad my DH doesn't agree with my talking to her.

I am in so much pain today, I have been all week. I wish it would just go away.

Happy Holidays
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Bittersweet holidays 12-19-2004 - 10:54 AM
It will very proabably be the last holiday season for two very dear family members of mine. My grandmother, close to 90, is just getting very feeble. And my dear sister, Melissa, is losing the battle with cancer. Holidays this year are bittersweet. The thought of losing my big sister and my Nana is frightening. They have been the ones to hold my hand and support me through all my trials and tribulations.

As Christmas nears, my heart is glad. Glad for one more holiday with family and friends. Glad for one more chance to tell Nana I love her. Glad for one more hug, one more chance to hold. One more memory.

My sisters, as this time of year is tearful for some of us, remember the fond memories. Some of you have lost loved ones, have loved ones serving in Iraq and other countries, some of you are still feeling the ache from your surgery. God is with you all, and we are with you too.

My dear sisters. Peace and Blessings.
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Hodge Podge, a bit of this and that....... 12-16-2004 - 07:06 AM
Some people may think I am a bit looney for this. But I had to do something to ease my pain and ache for a baby I cannot bear. I bought a doll, a collector doll. Not a play doll, but one I can dress and display. I don't know why I did this. I have never collected dolls. But I thought it would be my "baby." It will never grow up, cry, need a diaper change, or get sick. I don't need to find a babysitter, or give it a bath. It's got a place of honor on my bedside table.

I will let Molly play "house" with it as she gets older. She loves playing Mommy, and I love playing mommy with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, the college thing is really real. I registered for classes for the spring semester. 13 credits. Wow! I've got some tough classes,and a few easy ones to keep a nice balance. I'm beginning to get really excited, and also a bit scared. This is a major change for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am staying home today. A week from today is my last day of work, and I am playing hooky. I don't have the energy to chase kids all day, and I am so emotional for some reason. I don't think I can bear to rock the babies today. Every time I rock a baby, I long for one of my own. One that I can't have.

So I will clean my house, hang up our new curtains in the bedroom, and clean Molly's room. And make a nice dinner for my family.

Have a wonderful Thursday sisters.
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Next week I say goodbye to 8 yrs of my life 12-12-2004 - 07:51 PM
I've been at my job for almost 8 years. I've made friendships that will last a lifetime, and I've changed in many ways. And next Thursday, 12/23, I will say farewell to them all. I look at this as a positive change in my life. Going to school is a big leap of faith, and I believe God has a plan for my life.

Saying goodbye will be hard. It was a hard decision to make, and very hard to finally turn in the "letter" of resignation. I am saddened at the thought of leaving the place that I have been so long. Not only am I leaving friends, but I am leaving the children that I have watched grow up. Some of the first children in my class are now in second grade. I watched one group grow up from diapers and bottles, and had the privelege of sending them off to kindergarten this past fall. What a joyous occasion, and bittersweet at the same time.

But I must look to the future. I am excited at being a student again. I was never a good student growing up, but I know it will be different now. I am taking the first steps to a new life. A better life. WIth a different career, better pay (hopefully) and this will all be better for me physically and mentally.

The life I am leaving also includes my hysterectomy. I am hoping that moving to the next phase will be a healing point for me emotionally. I had such trouble dealing with all those tiny babies, I'm hoping being around adults helps me cope and heal that hurt in my heart.

And I continue to pray that this may be the end of my horrible endo pain. Maybe a life with no heavy lifting will help the adhesions to settle down, and the endo to go away. Okay, so I want a miracle! But I can dream at least.

And I will continue to journal here, as you are now part of my family. You know my deepest darkest secrets, and have held me when I cried for a year now. My good friends, I'm not leaving yet!

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no, I'm not a looney tune 12-10-2004 - 06:23 AM

Why is it that people who take antidepressants are considered looney? Last night we were discussing some people we know. DH told me that he knows 'R' takes antidepressants. He acted like she was a lower class citizen or something since she's on this type of med. I quickly reminded him that I take them too. Not because I am depressed, but because I am in pain and the meds keep me from getting depressed. It's more a preventative measure.

Not a bad thing. I think that if meds are what helps a person to function better, than that's okay. It's not like people who can't function without alcohol, or street drugs.

Yes, I take antidepressants. And sometimes I take anti-anxiety medication. No, I am not a weak person. I am a better person because of these medications.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ramble, ramble. I feel like rambling today Last night was the college entrance exam. I think I did okay, but I don't know. I meet Monday to find out and register for the classes next semester. I am nervous abotu this all, and things are overwhelming.


I made an appointment with my counselor. DH was a bit "put off" he said he thought I was done with her. Well, I would be except I have to talk over some of these things, and she is a safe place to do it.

Again, I am not a weak person. Rather, my counselor helps me to be a better person.

Whew, I feel better already
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Feeling a bit better about things today 12-06-2004 - 06:48 AM
I have calmed down now, and am almost embarassed at my last entry. I need to understand that he has moods too, and I can't expect him to be perfect all the time. I should never journal while in pain, it seems to bring the worst in me out.

I have a busy day ahead. Molly is geting her Christmas pictures taken at noon today, I want to take my MIL to the thrift store where she used to work (maybe they can hire me for the spring semester). I have an appointment with the student center to get some tutoring in Math (placement exam is on Thursday).

I need to set up an appointment with Social Services. They will pay for childcare while I'm in college as long as I have a job. Free daycare will help out a lot with the finances situation.

I know DH is worried about things right now. This is a big change for our family, and for a while we're going to be a little broke for a while. But we can do this.

_____________________________________________

To top it all off, besides the pain, which seems to be fairly tolerable today, I am coming down with a sinus infection. I'm headed out to Wal Mart to buy some Sudafed and NyQuil.

Have a great Monday, sisters!
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I think I want out of this marriage 12-05-2004 - 03:25 PM
I don't know what to do anymore. Last night we celebrated St. Nicks day, and I got something for DH from the kids. Today he asked me why I bought it....he implied that I wasted the money. I am so hurt by that.

And the big dilemma. I was planning on getting pics of Molly in her Christmas dress for her Daddy's Christmas gift. Will that be wasting money too? Or should I cancel the appointment? I don't want him to be upset with me.

He does this every year. Every holiday season he gets moody and tense. And I am tired of it. I am in pain today, and his mood is making it very hard for me to cope with everything.

The problems have been going on a while now. Things like stressing over how clean the house is, getting frustrated with MOlly (but I'm not allowed to get frustrated), the constant money talk, and general tempermentalness. I am wondering if my problems are too much for him, and I should leave. I am sure I am most of the problem.

Also, I want to make an appointment to talk with my counselor. DH doesnt' want me to. Every time I would go, he'd ask, so was this your last one? He's wanting me to stop the antidepressant too. But if I stop the Lexapro, I hit rock bottom almost instantly. Not good. Ya know the stigma attached to people who need mental help? I wonder if he thinks I'm not good enough because I need antidepressants.

Gosh, I just don't know.

~Hunny

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when women go mad......forced baby shopping. 12-05-2004 - 12:15 AM
This has been one of the hardest times since my hyst. My Love's ex wife had her baby. Those of you who have followed my journal know how upset I was when we heard she was expecting. The news of her new daughter last night was a devastating blow to me. I had to leave the room when Alex told us his exciting news.

To top it off, DH didn't feel like shopping, so I was sent out to shop with Alex for a baby gift. I bit my lip to keep my true emotions from showing. I spent 40.00 on this baby. Alex, wondering which was cuter, pink or white sleepers. Would you get a sleeper, or a dress? What do you think of these little booties? I fought back tears many times during that little excursion. It's just wrong to expect a menopausal emotionally charged woman to brave the Christmas rush in a major department store on a weekend afternoon to shop for the baby of a woman she doesn't even Like. Just WRONG!

And my DH (not dear either!). I talked with him a bit and he told me he has no feelings about the baby. Of course he doesn't. He doesn't care that I mourn this loss. Why would he care if his ex just popped out a kid? Between his recent mood swings, and my kids constant "I want ______ or buy me ______, I think I just might need some of those nice men with the white coats to come take me away to a padded cell. aahh....peace and quiet!

I know you ladies are probably sick of hearing my "baby woes." But I just need to get this out of me. This is making me crazy. I am so angry, so mad. It's not fair. I hate this. WWAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

There, I feel better now.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
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AARRGGHH! Something else goes wrong. 12-03-2004 - 11:50 AM
Just call me a hypochondriac:

Yet another trip to the doctor. My husband is sure that my insurance company is what buys doctors all those nice cars and big fancy homes...Anyway...I was *ahem* constipated, and I felt like something was falling out of me. *blush* And saw my GP. An exam confirms my suspicions. A rectocele. What else could possibly go wrong with me? I am a walking medical textbook of female troubles. MY doc even joked he thought I might even make it through the holidays without a visit. I joked back, " What? And miss the chance to wish you a happy holidays?" Inside I wasn't laughing though. I dread calling the doctor's office. I hate exams, and I am very embarassed when it comes to discussing "colon" issues. So this talk with my young, remotely attractive doctor, is less than easy-going.

Embarassing or not, I still have this problem. So I have called my GYN, set up an appointment, and will wait. However, I am not opting for surgery at this time. It's only bad when I am "plugged up" so I will just work on not getting plugged. I can't bear the thought of another surgery.

I just wonder why the people at Mayo Clinic discover this anomaly? Why didn't I pay attention to the symptoms earlier than now? I've had this feeling now for almost a year. But I was just too afraid of being tagged a hypochondriac to get it checked.

And so, another medical story to add to the tales of Hunnybunches.

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Re-hashing the hyst over and again 11-29-2004 - 07:02 PM
My good friend brought up a good question. "Do you ever regret your decision?" Every day I think back to that day, wishing I hadn't signed the darned paper. I wish I hadn't allowed them to give me the Versed before my GYN came to talk to me. I wish I had thought it over before commiting. I mourn the children I can't bear. I mourn the loss of my womanhood. Heck, some days I even mourn the loss of my period.

But I can't go back. I can't change the past. I must look forward. Even now, I am typing this through tears. I am sad. But forward I will move. In a few weeks Christmas will be here, and I will share the joy of the season with family and friends. After that I begin a new chapter of my life as a college student.

And in a few years I will be attending a very important graduation ceremony........my own! My very own graduation from college!

I know that in a few years, the pain will lessen. The angst of my hysterectomy will be diminished. However, I also know that some times it will still sting. And that's okay.

But I believe God did this for a reason. Why, I don't know. But time will tell. And time heals all wounds.

So in answer to the question, yes I regret it. But I can't change the fact.
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holiday stress, shopping, and college 11-27-2004 - 08:17 AM
Now I've done it. I made my sister angry. She's jealous that I didn't go to her house for Thanksgiving. And we stopped in to visit her yesterday, and we didn't stay long. She was so mad she started crying. I have a family too. Why isn't my family important. She doesn't like my husband, she claims that he's ruining our sisterly relationship. Actually he's the one that is encouraging me to be my own person, and not let her games get me down.

This is why I can't stand holidays in my family. People get so possesive, so uptight about everything. I feel like I have to attend the gatherings, yet I have no desire to be there. Why spend the holidays with the insane?

Christmas is coming up. Where will we go? No where. I will not go to my sister's house to be part of a celebration with 30 people I don't even know. (she invites her boss, her bosses family, and all their relatives).

AARRGGHHH! Just call me scrooge, I hate this part of the holidays.

___________________________________

Today DH and I are going christmas shopping. This is the part of the holidays I really love. I love watching my loved ones open gifts on Christmas morning. I love the house all decorated and the tree lit up. I love the meaning of Christmas, that God sent His Son for us.

_________________________________________

It has been decided. I will be leaving my position at the daycare center to pursue my college degree. I am putting in my two week notice, to have my last day be 12/23. I will enjoy the holidays with my family, and begin classes on 1/4/05. I am excited, and a bit scared too. This is a big change for my family. But it's worth it, because in 2 years there will be a celebration bash! I will be the first of my grandma's grandkids to graduate from college. Nobody else went to college. I just hope she's still around to celebrate with us. I will be the first in the family to even attend college.

(remember, I didn't pick my family!)

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Thanksgiving ponderings 11-26-2004 - 07:24 AM
As long as I can remember, I have hated Thanksgiving. I dreaded the holiday as a child, sometimes feigning an illness to avoid the unpleasantries. It was the stress of it all. My parents over-stressed about the meal, how the potatoes have lumps, and the cranberry didn't retain it's Can shape in the bowl. Does it really matter?

About two months ago, the stress began. I offered to host The holiday this year, in hopes to make an enjoyable season. It began with my older sister (self appointed queen of all space and time) telling me she had HER family to think about. Well, so do I. My Love's mom doesn't want to travel to be with my insane family. So I thought we should be there for her. It's her first holiday since moving into the assisted living facility. She shouldn't spend it alone.

That caused a rift. My mother was angry that I wasn't spending the day with them. My sister was jealous. And my grandmother complained she never gets to see my kids.

Can you see why this holiday brings back those awful memories?

So, we went to my SIL's house for Thanksgiving. A pleasant day. The potatoes were lumpy and the gravy came out of a jar! I had a few too many beverages though. But it was fun.

____________________________________________

A very special happy birthday to my little girl. Molly turned 4 yesterday!
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today, in pain 11-21-2004 - 10:35 AM
What a day for the pain to be bad. Today is Molly's birthday party, and I just spent the last 2 hours singing in church. Now, my tummy is swollen like a basketball, and my pain is horrible. I didn't do anything to bring it on, then again it hits with no warning.

I'm afraid for the first time since I tossed all the pain pills. Afraid that I won't be able to cope with it. Afraid that everyone will see my true colors, a grumpy woman in pain.

But I need to remind myself. I can do this....I can do this....I am stronger than this dragon.
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Thanks for letting me be alone for a while! 11-19-2004 - 05:14 PM
I've had a lot of time to think, and cry and all that stuff. I've got a lot of decisions to make, and it's a very devastating time for me. I am frightened that the rest of my life will be spent in pain. Thank you Northlights for your kind words and support. Though I didn't want to join the chronic pain club, at least I have people who will love me and help me through this nightmare.

I have made one very big decision though. I am going back to college! DH and I decided that since my job as a daycare teacher seem to exacerbate my pain, it's time for a career change. And my certification is limited to childcare. So I'm off to be the first William child to go to college, and get a degree. My father would be so proud. I just wish he were here for me to share my excitement with. Daddy, I miss you *bigcry*. You ladies are ALL invited to a college graduation bash in 2007~

I stopped all the narcotics cold turkey. It's been over a week since my last pain pill, and I flushed them down the toilet. If I am going to be in pain the rest of my life, then I don't want to be a drug addict too! Since people around here don't think endometriosis hurts, I wanted the decsion to stop pain meds to be mine, and not because my doctor didn't want to prescribe them. Now, to find coping methods!!!

DH will be taking on a second job so I can go to school, and learn to deal with this pain. Later, after I am more adjusted to the changes, I will take on a part time job to help with the finances. But DH wants me to focus on my studies. So time will tell.

Classes begin 1/04 at a local technical college. Some will be online, some correspondance courses, and some in person. My major is Admistrative Assistant, possibly with a focus in Legal Assistance. My stepson thinks it's so cool his stepmom is going to school, and he's been helping me study for the placement exams.

I am so comfortable with all this. I know this is the best thing right now. My Love is excited for me. I am excited and a bit scared too. Back to school full time after 10+ years is a bit daunting for me. But I know I can do this. And I will be a better person because of it.

~Thanks for caring.

~Hunny

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Nothing they can do besides surgery 11-14-2004 - 03:21 PM
I am home, and not very talkative. without surgeyr, there is nothing they can do, and I can't do another surgeyr. So I am not.

Now, it's time to find another way to cope......so frustrating.

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Leaving for Mayo Clinic! 11-11-2004 - 05:07 PM
I am leaving in an hour for Mayo Clinic. Tomorrow is a day full of appointments, total of 6 to be exact. I will post on here when I return.

I am a bit nervous. I meet with the gyn/onc tomorrow, if I opt for surgery, he'll be the one doing it. I am intimidated at the thought of another surgery, and not sure I really want to do it. DH wants me to though. Easy for him to say, he's not the one being cut open.

I'm out of pain meds, and today has been really bad. Work was so challenging, I had a hard time just focusing, let alone carrying the children. My coworkers were supportive, they helped me out. At the end of my day the state inspector decided to show up, and it was very hard for me to keep a straight face in all that pain. I just wanted to cry it hurt so bad, I was choking back tears by the time she left.

I I know since the pain is so bad, surgery should be an easy decision, but I have to consider my job, my kids, and my husband. If I go for it, it will be full open incision, and 6 week recovery time. I don't have that kind of time to take off work. I would have to quit.

well, It's time to go pack the car.

Talk to you later!
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another pregnant friend, my emotions are running high 11-08-2004 - 06:52 PM
So I heard today yet another friend is pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her. But it's not fair.

I was trying to conceive for years before it came time for this hysterectomy. And today is one of the days I regret the decision to have the surgery. I could have dealt with the endo a little longer. Heck, I"m still dealing with endo, so what's the difference?

I feel like I never got to grieve. After all, I have a daughter. It's not fair for me to grieve. Some women can't have kids at all. But ya know, now it's my turn. DH doesn't stand for it. "I thought you'd be over it by now" as I am flipping channels to stop the Baby Store ads, or hospitals showing off their new birthing centers. No I am not over it. I am missing a huge part of me. All I wanted since I was a small girl was to have a girl ,and a boy of my own....

I considered a small memorial for the brother I will never be able to give Molly. She will grow up alone, as Alex is a freshman, and going to college in 4 years. I didn't want my baby to be alone. An only child of sorts.

I don't know why this is all coming out now. DH says it's because S is pregnant, J's miracle preemie Chloe is about to turn a year old, and my older sister is trying IVF to get pregnant. (a pot smokin' liquor drinkin' mamma!) I'm still not feeling well, so my emotions are running a bit high today I guess. And this pain is driving me up the wall!

Is it tacky to put a small memorial off in a private place, just a small cross, only I will know what it means? I suppose you all think I am a super loony now, don't you. The only one who really understands is my friend, a fellow hyster-sister.
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Lighting candles again! 11-08-2004 - 07:28 AM
Saying special heartfelt prayers for our sister witryk05 who has her surgery today. May God be with you. Also a candle for jones74, who I know isn't feeling well lately.




~Hunny
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Sleep eludes me....again 11-07-2004 - 10:23 PM
My nights on HS are getting later and later. While I love being "with" all you sisters on here, I really need some rest. Insomnia has plagued me since it was decided hormones were my enemy. Hormones were feeding the Nemesis, Endo :dragon:

So, I don't sleep. I have a few hot flashes, and I can tolerate them. Just grab my fan (or an ice pack) and I will be fine. No the red face does not mean I am turning into Santa Claus (out of the mouths of babes!)

But being tired is the worst. Not getting to sleep til late, and being so sleepy in the morning. It's the pits. First I tried Benadryl. However, it quickly lost its effectiveness. Now they can slam 50 mgs of Benadryl in my IV and it won't even phaze me. (I guess once you're allergic to one nausea med, you're allergic to most of them!)

So I am up. Researching insomnia has proved to not only be pretty boring, but it has proved that I am not alone. So in my quest to get some shut eye, I have learned a few things.

The information superhighway has lots of exits....and lots of road leading off. Be careful. One site led me to a site that actually tells people how to get the best high. I don't wanna get high, I wanna sleep!

Boring does not always lead to bored to sleep. I am now a zombie, staring at this lighted screen, and still, WIDE AWAKE.

Anyone up for some poker? Anyone want to teach me how? My card games consist of uno, and go fish.

As for helpful information on insomnia due to menopause......Go Fish!
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Feeling much better today 11-07-2004 - 05:42 AM
Still a bit tired today, but better than yesterday. My Love was so sweet this morning. I was up at 5:30 because I was hurting a bit. He got up with me. He normally doesn't do that, but today reminds me how lucky I am to have this man in my life.

I plan on attending church as normal this morning. I didn't last week, as I wasn't feeling well (I should have gone to the doctor then, instead of waiting til Thursday!)

A hint for you all. If you feel a UTI coming on, get it taken care of. Mine spread up to my kidneys, and that is serious stuff. GO TO YOUR DOCTOR, ladies!!!!!!!!

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I'm Home! I hope I never have to do that again! 11-06-2004 - 12:00 PM
I was admitted to the hosp. immediately from the doc's office yesterday, he took one look at me, and said, "it's time to go." I got home about an hour ago. My doc didn't want to discharge me, but I begged him. Last night was rough. Vomiting, pain, getting up to urinate every half hour, and a headache from he!!. IV antibiotics made me feel worn out, but I couldn't sleep.

But at least I am home now. I think I will go take a nap. The kidneys are both infected, and swollen up. Within the past 30 hours I have had 2 big bags of antibiotics in my IV. My fever is down, so maybe I can get some rest.

Hope to be up and chasing Molly by the end of the day!

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Looks like I have to go into the hospital 11-05-2004 - 07:28 AM
I have been fighting a bladder infection for almost a week, and no antibiotics have responded. Well, yesterday and today my back has been hurting, and my kidneys seem to be the culprit. My kidneys are infected too. My family doc is not available so I am seeing a new guy today, I just wish I could have my own doc. This guy says that my endo could be weakening my immune system.

I am so tired of being sick all the time. Why can't I just be normal and healthy?

I will post more when I know more. Please say a prayer. I just feel so crummy right now.

Sorry to be so down.
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my thoughts concerning this election 11-02-2004 - 11:54 AM
This has been one long campaign, and I for one am glad it's almost over. I am tired of the Kerry/Bush signs everywhere, and fed up with calls from Politicians, Voter's groups, Citizens Action coalition, one even offered to drive me over to vote.

I plan on voting. I know who I will vote for already. My mind was made up before the primary elections. I am tired of the mudslinging, the name calling, the twisted statements, and all of the negative campaigning.

I don't mind these people working to become our representatives in this race to be the "Leader." But isn't there a positive way to do it? Does it have to be a "he said, she said" campaign?

Maybe I will run for office someday. Can a clean campaigner actually win?

Who Knows?!
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Another job interview coming up! 11-01-2004 - 04:48 PM
I got another interview. An attorney's office called me for a legal secretary position!

I really wanted to not have to come back to work after my foot surgery, but that's okay. I interview Wed for the attorney, and if that doesn't work out I'll know next week if I got the position at the Residential Facility. And if nothing else I do still have a job, so I have time to look.

Please ladies, wish me luck......
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results from the breast health clinic 11-01-2004 - 07:30 AM
All they could tell me was that there are spots on the right breast that "May look suspicious." May look? Either they do or they don't, IMHO.

So I scheduled further testing for 11/12. An ultrasound and more pictures. I'm trying to remain calm, but it's hard!

Today Alex is off school, so we're spending the day being lazy. Pizza Hut for lunch, play some video games. It should be fun! I hope to return to work next week. With another surgery looming in my future, I need to return to work to save my sick leave.

Will post more later. Gotta go get my flu shot.

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My first Mammogram 10-30-2004 - 10:32 PM
Recently, thanks to the caring concerns of my GYN at Mayo, it was decided that a mammogram was in order, due to a strong family history of breast cancer. And I at the age of 28, joined the ranks of millions of women who get annual mammograms.

It wasn't too bad. Despite My Love's teasing comments about vice grips and ripping those mammary glands right off my body I made it through. However, a dose of Valium would have been nice just to lower my blood pressure though! After hearing my name in the list of three women called, I joined the two other, much older looking women to follow the nurse. "Mrs. H you may go in room 6. Remove your top and brassiere, and put on this blue gown, with the ties in front. If you're wearing powder or deodorant, please wash it off with these towelettes you will find in your dressing room."

After changing, I truly joined the ranks. A sea of hospital blue in the waiting area. At least 25 women were in there. Some with peach fuzz hair, telling the tales of chemotherapy. Others telling the younger ladies the tales of "I've been doing this every year for 10 years now. It's a breeze." I sat, in awe, wondering the stories these women could tell.

When my name was called, I felt the sweat roll down my back. Nerves were over taking ,and I suddenly felt shakey. With no time to post to my divine sisters to hear comforting tales and words of calming, I felt alone, and scared. It wasn't too bad. The radiologist questioned my need for a mammogram at such a young age. After explaining the history of the women in my family, he agreed this wsa the best way to go. The actual test wasn't bad. Not comfortable, but do-able.

But a call later that day shook me up. "Mrs. H, we need you to call our office Monday to schedule further testing." By then, it was 5:30, and the office staff had gone home for the weekend. NOOOOO! So I wait, anxiously for 8:00 Monday to come so I can put my mind at ease. A call to my young GYN here at home calmed my fears a bit though. "Your breasts are young and dense. Healthy. An older woman's breasts are thinner. They probably found dense tissue. Or a cyst. And I want you to call me on Monday as soon as you find out more."

I could have jumped through the phone to hug Dr. Ken. As I like to say, God bless the person that can calm my fears.

And so, all in all, it wasn't bad. now, we wait..........

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More on the Mayo Clinic 10-30-2004 - 09:56 AM
That was an exhausting 2 days at Mayo. We got home around 9 pm last night, and today I am just beat. Today we're having a lazy day. IT's raining outside, and very windy. A chilly fall day. So MY Love is making his homemade chili, and we're going to cozy up and rent some movies tonight.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I meet with the gyn/onc for a surgery consult on November 12th. I dread the thought of yet another surgery and am really wondering if it's worth it...yet I feel like I have to be here for my dear family, and I need to get better so I can take care of them.

I met with a number of specialists. Breast health, endocrinology, nutrition, and women's health. So many people coordinated by this one gyn DR VW to take care of me....

I just want to get better. I just want to be healthy. Overall I was impressed with Mayo. Huge place, but very state of the art.

I recommend anyone who needs help go there. I'm sure you'll be treated very well, and won't be disappointed.

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I'm at the Mayo Clinic! 10-29-2004 - 11:53 AM
I'm here in the patient computer area. I don't have much time, but I want to blog a little in here. I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm facing another surgery in the near future for the endo. I meet with a GYN/ONC on 11/12 here at Mayo. If I have surgery he'll be the one doing it. Along with breast health specialists, an endocrinologist, and Dr VW who is coordinating all of this. Lots of appointments, and tons of information thrown at me.

They are confident that I can be helped though. They will find a right combination of hormones to help my hotflashes, and not feed the monster. She's confident that I will feel like a new woman. I just hope she's right!

I will blog more once I return home. I have another appointment to go to right now.

~~Hunny
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