jani50's Blog |
Blog Notes : 19 notes |
Comments : 22 | Readers : 2344 |
6 Weeks Ago Today |
05-25-2006 - 02:18 PM |
I will NEVER forget how nervous I was and how it felt to have to let go of the control. It has felt like that control has been taken away from me for a very long time. One of life's lessons for sure.
Doctors Appt. today. He was pleased. Couple stitches left and applied a little silver nitrate. When I asked about my heaviness in legs when walking and lack of concentration he said it was from the surgery and/or anesthesia. I then asked him about reason why I walk across the kitchen floor and just burst into tears....for no specific reason. He told his nurse and she brought me a little stronger hormone. Thought that kind of funnyLOL. Anyway......
he explained to me that studies show and prove that women of MY age that take hormones after hysterectomy:
have less chance of developing alzheimers
have less problems with clogged arteries
have less balance problems that lead to falling and broken bones
I told him that my skin is softer, my hair is softer, and most of all.........getting better sleep than I have had in 3 years. Life is soo much better from having this. I am slowly getting my life back and very thankful.
PS. Started Wellbutrin today......both for smoking cessation and the low I have been experriencing. I have tried so many antidepressants and my system is sensitive to all ....did very well on buprofen before and hopefully it won't be for very long. 's to all
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5 weeks POST Op |
05-18-2006 - 02:18 PM |
Five weeks and sooo antsy pants today! Even the vacuum looks inviting....well, maybe not.
My mood seems to be lifting some. Must be the trade off for starting to wake up in the night again. I was soo sure my sleep had come back after the last years of insomnia. I will try to do my walks and exercise a little earlier in the evening and see if that helps.
Stepped on scale today and was up 3 or 4 #. Not sure as I got so p***ed that I jumped off. Not ready to face that yet. Still trying to get used to my body's changes. That belly is the worst. I went and bought some longer shirts today to keep it covered. Side view in mirror is not pretty! I have one week to decide......to ask doc for something for my down feelings or to wait and see if it lifts with time. If I don't ask then and stay this way I will have to probably pay for another appointment. I am not cheap but I hate this indecisivness. Wish my Mom were alive and could help me now. Hate being dependant on a drug to make me better. Don't know why I can't just be healthy and happy and everything good.
Journaling helps me. It is something I do to both vent and look inside myself.
I used to know my body....pms, weight gain, period,and then........life was good. Not that many days was it good though. Now.......I cannot tell anything. Feel kind of numb to everything. Must be how I "cope".
K.....scared. No libido. Doc said it would be there. Most others on this board say how it worked for them. Am I that old? My drive was sooo strong and THIS was my biggest fear! Don't even have my old cig pig friend to lean on. Thoughts cross my mind to start again.
I am proud of it though. Clean for 39 days and like to count the 30 before as it was a personal he** tapering off for my quit. Altogether 69 days. I have to protect my quit. Guess I will look back on all of this b4 my check up next week. Think I will go hug my lawnmower and look at my flowers waiting for me to plant........
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One Month Pre Op |
05-11-2006 - 03:01 PM |
Pfffftt! Wonder what happened? Lost what I was posting?!
k so will start again. A month today. At this time I was just coming out of the fog....I remember really looking at the clock and after that it has all moved forward. Thought it would be a bit quicker but it takes time and I have learned to be more patient anyway. I posted sometimes and felt really good but in just minutes my whole day would change and go to bad. Some of that "roller coaster" stuff has subsided. Things seem to be leveling out.
It has been good to shower and put on real clothes again. Some days my belly will let me alone for quite a few hours. I have such a fear of that belly hanging, drooping down there like that forever. I don't know if all the exercise in the world will be able to lift and flatten that. I truly hate it. I found a little sore under that flap the other day too. Ewwww it is gross! Must be gettin better when appearance is getting to me.
Two weeks left. I cannot wait to get my release.....I want to mow my own grass and not wait for others to have to stop their world and help me. I want to plant flowers and hang out my bedding on the clothesline. I want to be able to walk and not have to stop and rest. I want to put my mp3 player out on the patio and play my music loud and let the neighbors know I am around. It won't be long now I know.
Time to peel potatoes. Made a nice roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn for SO and I tonight. First I have cooked in awhile. He will be happy. Hope feeding him keeps him happy......in a lot of ways Love this place......my journal and this website have been my peace through all this.
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Three Weeks Post Op |
05-04-2006 - 09:02 AM |
I should have weighed today tomorrow a promise to self that I will. It is just that my stomache has been soo touchy. Finally after last weekend's fiasco I put all those sugar free treats away. It just HAS to be the splenda or sugar alcohol. Those russel stover's were the best. Dang!
Started another walking routine this morning and my legs feel like they are dead clods or somethin and now my back........have to quit whinning. It is easy to feel self pity. Men are ruled by logic and women by emotions ya know.
It has been a good week. My new hair cut and highlight looks good. First time for the eyebrow waxing and was exhilerating.....lol (I know, it is the little things that mean a lot)
My mood is better. I truly am starting to feel like myself. That anesthesia is wicked. Slapped the livin life out of me. But not for long. I even visited my old workplace yesterday(first time in about 8 months) They all hugged me and some already asking me back. I am not sure though. Maybe I should embark on something all together different? Maybe I should continue to make time with the kids and grands?(they do not really have time for me though and I could....really could..........get into tellin them what to do again) heh heh.......I had better get a life! I may drag my feet. Summer is short and I love the sun, parks, walks, and just "hangin" This time has given me a great appreciation. Winter was rough tho and if my relationship does not move forward(as it kind of looks like at this point) I may think of moving south a little. Two of my kids have already said they would "uproot" and go with me........that's what I love about them....they have a little "gypsy" in them just like me! The answers will come with time I am sure.
I wish now though for healing. I think that is where my train of thought has to stay. I made my six week appointment today to make sure he would be able to see me. I hope that by then I will be my old self. Minus these gas and bowel problems( I keep tellin em.....WAKE UP.......get moving right!) Maybe they are there to keep me humble lol
Back to bed and warm my feet. Rest and then.....out for lunch with old co-worker. I will be ready! Life is good.
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May Day |
05-01-2006 - 05:30 PM |
Time to write a little. This has been some of the best therapy. Post Op board always has a few answers to my unending questions too. Thanks VirginiaLady, Moonchime, News, and all else who read my entries and post comments. I know we are living in such a busy world that I just want you to know it is very much appreciated!
The last few days have been........hate to admit it......rough! I have take a large step backwards it seems. I thought things seemed to be going a bit too good to be true. It took me awhile to self diagnos(sp?) but......am sure I had over done the walk, light housekeeping and .........best of all........%$#@$%&** BM's again! I didn't think I had to watch it soo close. Saturday night was in such pain I took a painkiller before bed. That and two laxitives and glass of prune juice. A little relief on Sunday so self dosed with plenty again. Much better today but am "humbled" to say the least!!! I know I am not the same as anyone else and I know I am not 20, 30, or even 40......I hate being weak. I don't really think it is that as much as the relying on others........being alone the last 8 years has made me so incredibly independent. I have to let go of some of that. I will have no one in my life if I don't let them in...........
On a better note. Book by Joyce Meyers feels like she is speaking to me. She and I share a lot of the same background.....abused in our youth, shouting and screaming at everyone in our younger years, expecting everyone to "jump", and the one I liked the most....inviting a couple ppl over for a bbq...turns from hotdogs and burgers into steak, salad, a six course "event". Invite more ppl, add more to it until........she became resentful of the whole thing!!! Yep, that WAS me too. She talks a lot about simplifying your life and boy am I ready for that. I cannot get over her way of speaking and writing. From her views on true integrity to changes in our lives....better finish the book soon because my sister needs a good dose of "Joyce" too. lol
Weather remains overcast and cool. It is good. I don't feel soo left out of the outside things anyway. It won't be long now. Just a few more weeks. I am glad to feel better today. Told the kids when I called them this last weekend that I wished I would have never done it. That is NOT true and I KNOW in my heart it is not. The setback hurt. I want to be well. I will take better care of me. GTG........OFF with the jeans and into some comfy jammies. 6:30 pm and in pj's! Life is Good!
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Two Weeks Post Op |
04-27-2006 - 07:42 AM |
Woke this morning and could not believe it is already two weeks!
Things are still up and down. I hope for some leveling soon as sometimes I feel soo "not in control". I will learn patience!
Last night I walked to the park and sat on the bench watching the families playing. It was nice and peaceful. I wanted to stay longer but the "worry" was if I could make it home again. I carry that cell phone like an old person's life line. Sick.......I am not an old person!!
I started Joyce Meyer's new book. I find her very inspiring. I know SO thinks I have gone religeous freak or somethin.......don't care.......my mind needs a lot of keeping busy. Between the quitting smoking(gawwd I miss my best friend) and needing to go find a job.........hope my life gets back on track soon. My fear at this time is that I may need "help" as in prolly anti depressents if the anxiety does not subside. I always wonder if I should try something else (therapy) instead?????? Will TRY to be more positive!
Positives today:
1. Got a big pair of jean capri's on today...yayyyy
2. Am going to fix my face and hair and go for a walk. It is nice out.
3. Am 17 days into my quit. Am soo proud of ME!
4. Family are all happy, healthy, and doing ok.
5. Think I might feel my body starting to wake up....down there....just a lil
Today is a GOOD day
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Sunday a good day |
04-23-2006 - 05:47 PM |
I feel pretty good today. Physically not very active but mentally........a good day. Had a chance to see all the family today. Got hugs from all the kids and grands. They feel soo good. I am very thankful. I am getting my health back very slowly, and will have a lot of years to watch them all flourish. The last baby is potty trained.......it has been eight years and now all six are past that. They are getting more interesting all the time. Fun when they are not so busy being naughty. LOL. I used to feel soo old sometimes but now, at 50 I feel young. I must be feeling better..............
I have not spent much time the last couple days thinking and worrying about the "menopause" thing.....my anxiety has subsided some too. Life is good
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One Week Post Op |
04-20-2006 - 02:25 PM |
Here I am again. I love this journal(thanks for your replies )
Boy are the days up and down! Yesterday the panic attacks were back with a vengence. I was sooo sure it was nicotine withdrawl.....lit one....yukkkk! Doing the happy dance over that let me say. Once it subsided the best calm came over me and I knew I would be ok(once again)
Big day today. Except for walking had been nowhere since Saturday. I was excited getting showered and putting my dress on for doc appt(get staples out). By the time I got ready I was almost too tired to go. LOL
Doctors nurse took out staples (painless) and then we talked. We talked and talked and.....I felt soo much better and told her so. Bless her for taking the time. I asked all the questions.....driving (yay and yippee I can) sweats(hot and cold), feeling way off center, fears(going to stay with family for the next week), constipation(seems like everyone here fights it. They can send a man to the moon..........) lol, heartburn, age( I know I am a 30 year old trapped in this 50 year old body)......soo many things on my mind and sounds like she had heard them all. "One more week" she said, "You will feel more like yourself" She also calmed my worries about the "M" thing. Menopause is hard for me to say. Foreign or something. My fear based on my lack of knowledge. I have to find our more. I hope all those jokes about the "rubber room" just can't be true! Oh yea.....I can drive now so will check on the post op board for more ideas and head over to bookstore.....or maybe ebay!
Ohh I do feel better every day. Don't know if I will take the advice about a massage and manicure but will definately make a hair appointment next week. Color, Highlights, and a trim........this I will do for ME!
Over 10 days smokeless.......all toll tho.....over 40 days since the cutback and pre quit. I can put up with set backs from everything else but this I really want. More than anyone close to me will ever know..........
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Tuesday....day 5 post op |
04-18-2006 - 09:46 AM |
Not a good nights sleep but went back and managed to get enough to make this a good day.
I took some ibuprofen and left the painkillers alone. I think they are part of the reason for this "fuzziness" I am feeling. Some is prolly ok but don't want to get dependant on them. The sooner off them the sooner I can resume driving and move forward. I know.....cannot rush it.
After showering and dressing I actually feel pretty good! yesterday I took a two hour nap after shower. Today I went for a walk outside. In between rain showers. It smells sooo good outside. Still fuzzy though. Went two blocks and back. Not much compared to where I was before surgery.........one step at a time. Drinking a full bottle of water.
I looked in the mirror this morning. Wonder if I am going to change??? Will the premarin work? Still don't know much about it. Started a book this morning on menopause. It is confusing. I should have found one with easier reading I guess. Will spend the afternoon with it. Maybe it will ease my mind. I am just afraid. Afraid of what I do not know. But I do know........my body is starting to heal. Need to remember to say a prayer of thanks.
Start to watch what I am eating today. I had lost weight in hospital. I am right where I should be on doc's body mass index thing. If I don't get more active soon though and with this surgery and menopause......just have to be aware! (too much easter chocolate yesterday, heh heh)
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Monday.....uggg |
04-17-2006 - 12:21 PM |
Monday and things are getting back in order. Everyone has gone home. The kids, grands, and SO. It is quiet.
I tried to get through and get appt. to have my staples removed today. They don't call back. I was a little ticked at first but now.......don't care if they do or not. I have slept most of the day already and am sure one more day won't hurt. I am learning patience.
I know I am a little better each day but it seems like such a long way back. What I wouldn't give to tie on my new tenny shoes and go for about a three mile walk......will be a long time before that. Not driving for a week too???Wow!
Guess I will go and game for awhile on pogo, drink some coffee and take another nap. For the most part......life is good. The end result is what counts
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Post Op I |
04-16-2006 - 03:52 PM |
Home has never felt soo good. This has been a long and trying journey. My only regret is that I did not do it sooner. My gyn told my family that this should have been done years ago. Why does it seem that I have always put myself last? Being the martyr has never helped anyone. Nope, not anymore. I don't care what anyone else thinks, from now on my health, teeth, eyes....and whatever else needs attending gets it. I know I am worth it
Feeling a little fuzzy from the pain drugs....they aren't as good as the morphine but definately does a body good. No wonder ya can't drive. That would be scary!
The pain was a teeny bit more than I expected but still was not as bad as the wait. I hope I NEVER have anxiety like that again. Those last days before surgery when I finally let go though.......they were much needed. I gained courage and strength. Cried a little going into O R but everyone sympethetic and said was normal. I was very blessed with a good roomate. She was 9 years older than I but we had a lot in common. We hugged before both leaving yesterday. I know she will do well. Her SO was a honey and will see to her every need.
Will add more later........very tired.
STill NO cigs.....yayyyy! a week today.....dont let me weaken!
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Tuesday's journal |
04-11-2006 - 03:12 PM |
This day is good! I had a major meltdown and finally....I mean finally......reached saturation shortly before noon. I had to cry and let it all out. Right after that the calm has set in. I feel really good about this whole thing. I have come so very far. My only regret would be that I didn't do this sooner. My fears made me opt for the ablation four years ago knowing full well that it probably wouldn't work. Moving forward now and know for sure that this is the right decision. Through all of this I have also had some time to research myself. I defended my uterus to the max......feeling that it was the tie that would bind my emotions, feelings, and even my sex life. I have now dealt with that and know that it is time. I shall read everything I can get my hands on and become knowledgable. Between that and listening to my body I will have a better life. I will take the very best care of "ME" now. And proudest of all, dare I say it this soon?, I am ridding myself of the cigs. They no longer own me. When everyone else wanted to quit I never did. It was the best and the worst love affair of my life. I was always afraid of failing so I wouldn't try. I cannot say that failure becomes me and that I am not worried about it........but for today and hopefully for tomorrow.......and with my strongest will(and help from God) I will make it! Life is good
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Monday's Thoughts |
04-10-2006 - 03:32 PM |
Finally home. The weekend was soo very good. I Love my adult children more with each passing year. Instead of me growing older I feel like they are catching up to me in age and we become closer friends with each passing year. My "men" they truly are. They help me with anything they can and listen when I need them. My daughter calls when we are about to board the plane just to tell me about her day and how my grandson is. It is good to be included in their lives.
This weekend was hard on SO. He lives in a very small, quiet "box" of a world and our spontenaity goes against his personality. He told me it was the first time he had ever had to go anywhere alone and didn't know how to handle it. I could tell. I, on the other hand, am kind of the opposite and tend to venture alone most of the time. He also told me this weekend that he wanted something more permanent to our relationship. That, coupled with the statement last week about wanting me to make some decisions......he didn't want to travel two hours to see me another winter.....I feel pressured. I am such a people pleaser..........hate the thought of facing what deep down inside I already know. I cannot face anything now though. My surgery is first. I want my life to be a healthy and happy one so I will put him off and everything else until this is over.
Time to turn it all off for awhile. House is a mess and I am not ready for my big day. Think I need a long walk(and a cig). Day 1. Made it almost 12 hours. First and hopefully last QUIT. The fear of failure is only exceeded by my addiction. I am glad I have a place to journal.
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Thursday. A week from my surgery |
04-06-2006 - 03:41 PM |
I have spent the day looking toward the clock and thinking next week at this time........blah blah blah. It is after four now so next week at this time......I will prolly be sleepin and in no pain. As I remember that morphine thing was really great. One upbeat thought I guess. This afternoon has been good. I have found some peace here and there.
I should be excited. My SO, sister, niece, two sons and their wife and GF......all coming in tonight. We will go out for awhile for happy hour and hor de vours. I should be happy. No cigs tho and I hav to stick with it. Maybe SO and I can stay home while they go. He would like that. We have been apart two weeks and ......well guess I better just think it and not write it. I look forward to seeing him. I always feel better after being held and loved for a few days but I just know I am going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and probably just be crabby. Communication is not my best suit. It has been almost three years now. If I don't decide soon to move in with him I think he will move on. He is looking for someone permanent and I am still not sure. Maybe that is ok too. Maybe I am waiting for that so I don't have to break it off. I don't know anything anymore. It seems like the last six months my mind has just gone beserk. I can't even make a decision what to buy in grocery store. I forget what I am doing......and now I face this surgery knowing that it could throw my hormones off even more. I have to read. Bought those books at Barnes and Noble the other day and a lady replied to my post on estrogen. I have to read and read until maybe I can understand.
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Vent! |
04-05-2006 - 07:05 AM |
Morning email from SO. said "I don't know why you get yourself in such a tither" "Look at the statistics" "Look at how many women have done this" and then some comment about "Honey, just fasten your seatbelt" ?????? How come I don't understand him? Is there something happening here or am I just stressin? Think I shall post on the pre-op board and see if others have come up with good responses when people always say that s#@*!!!! I am hoping he gets the hint ......from the response I sent back. If not I will tell him directly....he will somehow turn this all into my fault and then say to calm down.....grrrrr! So much for the good morning. Feel better now tho.....got it on here and off my mind.
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Wednesday early morning journal |
04-05-2006 - 03:56 AM |
4:48 a.m. Early morning. My favorite time of day. I feel more calm today. I slept very little but for some reason am ok with it. Candy(gyn's nurse) said on the phone yesterday that they would give me something for sleep if necessary. I would love it........and then hate it when I couldn't have it anymore so will choose to wait it out a few more days. If I get too dinged out next week I am going to call and get. This is 2006 and why suffer when there is help?
Today am going to clean like a mad woman. After that if it is nice I shall sit in the sun awhile. I want to work outside and putz in my yard. The days are longer and it is getting warmer. Makes me
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Tuesday 4-4-06 It is a better day.....thank goodness! |
04-04-2006 - 08:24 AM |
I am soo thankful I am feeling better today. No panic yet and I am going to get busy! List making is a must and then to checkoff as I accomplish. I have started a grocery list and next is for my surgery. I am starting to let go a little. I know my yardwork will not get done as there is still a little patch of snow on north side of house. Soo what? and big deal......no one really cares except me anyway. I say that in a good way. I am going to learn how to let go of some things if it is the last thing I ever do!
I had forgotten how good it was to read until yesterday. The new books I bought are probably the best money invested in a long time. I think I shall start with all those great self help ones. The one I read last night was soo encourageing. The parts that were the best I am going to re read today.
Next Monday is my quit day. I am filled with mixed emotions. I have not told anyone yet and will not until they notice or maybe I just will keep it to myself.....after all these years I am going to give up smoking and I hope it is forever.......my best friend is about to die....i hate it soo much and the thoughts of something not owning me again is like beyond comprehension. It feels good!
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Feeling less anxious this afternoon |
04-03-2006 - 02:34 PM |
This morning was awful.....it seems like every monday has been since the surgery decision. I wake up and as I assess the week ahead I have sudden attacks of shortness of breath. I am quite sure it is panic attacks but not sure if it is just due to the surgery or other things in my life. I have NEVER been soo confused. I cannot concentrate on any one thing very long and everything seems kind of "up in the air" for some reason. I also think deep down..........it is partly because of the trying to quit smoking. I feel so good though about it. I started out less than a month ago at over a pack a day.....and now........one after three hours of rising and one every three hours thereafter....there are ONLY 24 hours in a day .....I have not told anyone yet but....next monday is complete quit day. I hope the gum will be enough. I feel like I am finally letting go......but it was always my best friend.....i used to love a cig with everything. Now I hate how much it has owned me. My whole life has revolved around it......I probably wont make it and it hurts to write it even. I have never wanted to quit this much before. Everything seems obsessive lately....I have to keep my weight down, I have to get all those things done that the message board says I should...I have to be ready.....I feel like I am starting sink....meltdown of some kind.
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4-03-06 First Journal |
04-03-2006 - 11:50 AM |
I have felt for a long time I needed to do this. My life seems like it is just getting to be too much sometimes. What bugs me most is probably the fact that everyone tells me that I will be ok. How do they know? They are not me. I am an individual person and not like anyone else. Why do I feel so alone at this time? Anxiety has crept into my life lately. That and maybe I am depressed. I don't know for sure but I do know that my doctor doesn't believe in prescribing anything for it so no sense in asking. I got some relief lately by taking an occasional antihistamine. I hope I can make it until next week. I want to add more but cannot put my thoughts together. Will come back later and add.
Why can I not stop crying???????
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