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known2b's Journal
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Working on the NEW ME 07-31-2005 - 05:44 AM
Okay, maybe not new but at least revised.
The way it started is My ds has been having trouble with his school work (been in resource for the past 2 or 3 years) I felt that him being in resource has not been helping him if anything it has been pulling him further and further behind. So this past summer I signed him up with Sylvan Learning centers. So far I have seen a major change in him. The down side of that is that we have to travel 30 - 35 minutes to get here (Yikes!! the gas prices are horendous - I will probably spend more in gas than on the Sylvan learning which is expensive ($45/hr session which it looks like he will be going there for at least 6 months at 9hrs a week you can do the math)

But anyway while I was down there this summer I had filled out a form for a chance to win a membership to Powerhouse Gym. Well I didn't win the full membership but a 2 week pass. So I thought, hey it can't hurt (too much anyway) So I went in and checked it out. And I started working out while my ds is in Sylvan. He is in Sylvan 2hrs 3 days and 3hrs on Weds.

I do have to admit if I would have tried to write this yesterday or the day before I wouldn't be able to my arms were soooooooooooooooooooooooo sore. I do about 20 to 25 mins of cardio (walking on treadmill for now) and work on various machines for the upper, lower and mid section. I didn't get to work on the mid section this week, my Personal trainer (well the guy that sets me up with a routine) had to go out of town yesterday. The first day I worked on my arms, and boy ohh boy did I hear from them (my arms) for the next couple of days. The next day I worked on my legs, they didn't complain, but my arms still were. Yesterday, was when I was suppose to work on the abs but alas no personal trainer. But I did my cardio for about 30 to 35 minutes anyway. I go back again on Monday or tuesday depending on what my plans are this monday. We may go to Dollywood not sure on that yet.

I didn't get on the Survivor show, oh well maybe next time around. But anyway I know that I am already a survivor (Cancer Survivor) Maybe I will be in better shape the next time. I probably wouldn't have lasted a week let alone 39 days. But who knows.

The main thing is that I am getting in better shape and I just thought My 25 class reunion will be next year. It is something to shoot for. huh??

Just pray that I stick to it.
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Okay what happened??? 07-06-2005 - 08:25 PM
I am gon for a little over a week and the site changes on me. Wow it really thru me for a loop. I do have to say it looks Wonderful. Well I just had to throw this is.

By the way Kathy if you are reading this you do a great job. I am sure that this site has helped so many people myself included.
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"Live Like you were dying" -- by Tim McGraw 05-28-2005 - 03:09 PM
That is my theme song... Ever since I first heard it I loved it. Well I am now 2 years cancer free I am so happy about that.

Being that "Live like you were dying" is my theme song I have decided to sign up for the SURVIVOR show. More than likely I won't even make the cut, let alone to the show. But, I won't know until I sign up for it, Right? I don't know if my dh can do without me for a little over a month, but I will see what happens. If nothing else I will get someone to do the books for me. The only thing about being gon so long would be that I would MISS my dh and ds. And wonder what kinda mess I will find when I get back. But hey if I would win I could hire someone to clean the mess.

I am a SURVIVOR already!! And every day is a testament to that. I enjoy life and would like to do more.

Love to all and God Bless
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Chuck Norris 09-23-2004 - 10:11 AM
Well, Monday I got a call from a local radio station that I listen to, and I had won an autographed book written by Chuck Norris "Aganist all odds", a chance to meet him and karate lessons from David Deaton Karate Studio. The signing was yesterday.

I felt that my ds, being a HUGE fan of Chuck Norris (aka Ranger Walker), should be the one to actually get to meet Mr. Norris. So I picked him up from school, didn't tell him where we were going except to Nashville, so that it would be a suprise. I think that he enjoyed it. I wish that I could have got to have shaken his hand as well but being that I had won the book they said that only one person could go up to meet him.

Ole' well, at least I got a couple of good pictures of him. I have one of them in my pictures on this site from my camera phone, and may download from my camera if they are any good later today.

I still haven't decided if I will or my son will take the karate lessons. It is a month of them, but it is not close to our area. I am still thinking on that one, maybe I will and pay for his or visa versa. I think that it is a good thing to do either way.
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I was just thinking 09-09-2004 - 04:00 PM
I was just thinking today, on the 12 of this month I will be 2 years since my hyst.

On the 16th of this month will be 2 years since my diagnosis.

As of August 21st I was 1 full year without a recurrence.

On October 31, it will be 1 full year with my new bladder.

I am so happy to finally reach the milestone of dancing with NED for a year.

This time last year I was so depressed, wondering what would happen. But now I have my whole life ahead of me or at least I feel that way
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I got my results yesterday 09-08-2004 - 02:45 PM
I had called the doctors office and got an answering machine. Bummer!!!!!! Then later I get a call from the hospital where she works and a nurse comes on the line and says that the doctor wants to talk with me. I am thinking OH NO!!!!!!! Its back. Double Bummer. Well the doctor get on the line and start out like "I just got a call from the pathologist....." I interrupt and say "I know it is back" And she says "no no no" and goes on to explain to me what she had the pathologist to do.

But anyway the news is................................................


So in other words this is my first full year without a recurrence. I am sooooooooooooooo HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today was the day!!! 08-31-2004 - 10:55 PM
I had my colposcopy and all went well. Couldn't get doctor to do frozen on the biopsies, but 'ole well. I just have to wait a week or so to get the results. I hate to wait!!!!!! I guess I am just going to have to buck up and tuff it out. I want so much to know now. Ole well I will just have to wait, Bummer. Will up date when I get those blasted results.
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Todays thoughts 08-28-2004 - 01:18 PM
I had been thinking alot about Tim McGraw's song out "Live like you were dying." I love that song and think about it lyrics often, some days I wonder if I will ever get a chance to do things that I would really like to do. Just to name a few Parasailing, going on a cruise, flying, and so on. I would like to learn to fly, but I would be afraid that I would crash the plane. But hey I learned to ride a bike, I learned to drive a car, hey I even learned to drive a stick shift, why not a plane. You know I may see if hubby would let me take lessons. That is definatly an idea!!! Watch out birds here I come !!!

As far as riding a bull named fumanchu, you won't even see me in the same pen as one and the fence that is between us better be strong.

I do go for walks and think. I walk along a highway and I enjoy the wind that the big semi produce as they blow by. I have never built up my strenght enough to go rocky mountain climbing, but would just like to go see the rocky mountains. See the Grand Canyon, 'ole Faithful, amoung many of the other natural wonders in our great land. Then go to Ireland, Scottland and England where some of my ancestors same from. I would have to go back in my research and see where they were from, I know that one was from Londonberry Wales (not sure if I spelt it right). But anyway that is my dreams.
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Still frustrated but not as emotional 08-25-2004 - 09:46 AM
Well today is a better day. (so far) Some days I just want to run away, (sorry too old for that). I guess that a good portion of my problems are me. At least that is the way I feel. I am so worried about my colposcopy that is coming up, and maybe that is why I get so frustrated so easily. I do not know. But, on the other hand, shouldn't my DH be a little more supportive of me?? I do not know.

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Being Emotional 08-24-2004 - 11:11 PM
I am sooooo frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just aggravates me to no end, some of the things that my DH will say or do. Mind you I love my DS very much, but you get so tired of day after day telling him to do something and he doesn't do it. This afternoon when he got home from school, he said that he didn't have any homework except to study his spelling. Fine, so to help him study his spelling I had him write his spelling words 5X each in cursive, I didn't think that was too bad. (BTW he is 10 years old & in the 4th grade) First off he balked at it, then he finally started. As I said started, he did two words then quit and started watching TV. I go in and ask him if he had finished writing the words, no. Well, he started back on them and finished them. Well another thing to help him I had him do one of the problems that was in his spelling book, sorting out the words by the type of vowel sound it had. He balked at that but he did finish it. ( I only had to tell him to do it 3 or 4 times)

Well, then it is a snack that he wants before he goes to pratice football. I tell him that he needs to eat it in the kitchen. He brings over a tray to eat on. Again, I tell him to take it into the kitchen. (mind you I have let him eat in the livingroom before, but I have gotten tired of clean food messes out of the carpet) Next I find him standing in the door way to the livingroom, still on carpet. Third time I tell him to get into the kitchen. (About this point I am getting VERY Frustrated) I dont know if he listen to me or not, but the next thing I knew is that he was again standing in the doorway of the livingroom. About this time a SEMI truck come down our road, can you SPELL ARRGGHH!!! Our road is a little road that dead ends at our house and shop (my DH & I own a Construction business and we occasionally work on our own equipment and trucks.) It had just rained a few hours earlier and our road, which is made of chirt (if you are not from around middle TN chirt is like a clay and dirt??? mixture) and stone is not a very stable surface.

Well anyway this stupid driver pulls down and is hunting for a cabinet shop which is down the main road and not hard too miss. He tries backing up our hill (remember it had rained) about 5 - 7 times. Remember my DS has football pratice and the time that the Stupid truck driver comes down our road is about 5 minutes before we needed to leave. Also there are cars parked along side the road, and I am trying to get this (can't say it) truck driver out of my way without hitting any cars in the process. I was fuming!!!

Get to football pratice about 8 - 10 minutes late. I start cooling down as I tell the other moms my story. Hey, I cant believe it DH came to football pratice. I stay with him for a while, then go home to fix supper. Well, they get home and I start to tell DH about DS and his not wanting to listen to me, and he doesn't tell DS that he needs to listen to his mother NO, he say's and I Quote:

Since mommy has had her surgery 2 years ago she has gotten a little meaner and you need to do as she says

If I were a cartoon I would have flames coming out of my head and steam out of my ears. And my heart would be breaking in a million pieces.

I was so hurt! I have been fighting back the tears all evening. And now they are flowing freely down my cheeks, I just cant cry out loud. My jaw is hurting from holding back the screams.

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One week to find out if it is BACK!!!!!! 08-24-2004 - 02:28 PM
Well I won't actually know if it is back (the cancer that is), but I will be having a colposcopy done on the 31st to find out. I am aprensive to say the least. I do not want to have to go thru another major surgery, I am so scared, that if it is, to survive I will have to.

I feel so alone in this, I feel that if I talk about it to people that they will say don't worry it will be okay, or what is so bad about another surgery?? Well for the second question, I would have to say that I have already had to learn a new way to pee. (although it is kinda cool in some ways) I just don't want to loose my colon or anything else in that area. I am afraid that I won't make it thru it this time.

I am not normally a complainer, and I guess that is one reason that I like this journal. I can write down (correct that type) my thoughts and feelings, although people may read it I don't feel like I am making them listen to me whine and complain. I just feel so down, depressed, I just want my life back to the way it was before cancer entered my life.

I love Tim McGrawl's newest song "Live like you were dying". I found out that the song writers was talking to someone in the building where they were going for a meeting, and his/her spouse or themselves were diagnosised with cancer. (at least that is what I understood) I feel that Tim should take that song and use the proceeds to help to find a cure for cancer. Even if he doesn't it is still a GREAT song. The song writers should get a grammy for it. It is beautiful, it hits you right where your soul is. Some days I wish that I could go mountain climbing, skydiving, or any of the other things that are mentioned in that song.

The one thing that I would like to do before I die or get too old for is ride in a small plane and just see the world from Gods point of view. Big airplanes take you too high up. Another thing would to be go on a cruise to the Bahamas or Virgin Islands. Maybe even just go west of the Mississippi River or to NY or Maine. I would love to just travel some.

Just seems life is too doggone short. We had another girl on the board that I post mainly on passed away a week or so ago, that makes two within the past 6 or 7 months. They were both young and beautiful. But I guess that God needed them more with him than we did.

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Happy Birthday to my dear son!! 08-08-2004 - 08:41 PM
I am so tired just had a birthday party for my son and granddaughter. I guess I am more frustrated that tired.

My stepson the father of the granddaughter got upset about the party, after he had agreed to it. So I get everything together, ready, and he decides at the last minute that he wants to have his own birthday party for his daughter. Which I wouldn't have minded, but he decided to change his mind at the last minute. (TODAY) GRRRRR!!!! I don't know he is just soooooo childish sometimes, and he is 32 or so. I don't know I just think that he is such a, there isn't a word to think of. But anyway the party is over, the children are in bed, and thinking of school tomorrow. I just know that I am not going to do this again. I have had it, I will plan my sons party and deal with it and go to my granddaughters party if and when my son plans it, and if we are invited.
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I am so upset today---BIG VENT 08-07-2004 - 08:11 AM
I don't even know how to start this one......

My husband is such a jerk sometimes....... He had noticed that our son had left his fishing pole down in a field behind our house, did he go get it??? NO!! Did he make our son go get it??? No!! I asked our son to get it yesterday and he just ignored me, went on to do something else. I asked him again later if he had went to go get it and he said no, because there were cows in the field. Well I had went to look to see where the cows were and there were none in the field. I told him to get the fishing pole and he basicly refused. So I had to go get the blasted pole.

It just agravates me when I tell him (our son) to do something and my husband takes his side. I told my dh about the situation and he said that I should have went with him to get the pole. Well let me back up a little, our son goes down to the pond many times with out anyone to go fishing. So why should this be any different. I agree that he is 10 years old and still young for some things, but if he is old enough to go to the pond to fish by himself the he is old enough to go get the pole by himself. Maybe I am wrong, but still I felt that I was in the right. My husband also blasted me for going after the pole and making our son stay in the house by himself. Now mind you the pond is within sight of the house (if you are a good spitter you might be able to spit in it. It is that close.) But I felt that if he didn't want to go get the pole, then he didn't need to be going with me. I was just so furious that no one listens to me. All I want to do is .

You know how some familys the father is the one that is suppose to be the one that dishes out the disipline and the mother is the one that cuddles. Well in our family it is the opposite. I have to be the bad mean one and my dh is the one that lets him get away with everything. I mean if I didn't lay the law down to the boy he would be spoiled beyond belief.

Another thing that agravates me is that I find clothes everywhere... I know, they are men and that is normal, but my husband gets agravated at me because of it. WHAT!! Yes, he gets upset at me because he leaves his clothes everywhere and they are still there a day or two afterwards. (I just get so tired of picking up after them sometimes) I admit I am not the best housekeeper and wouldn't win any awards for the best looking house, but it is very livable and clean.

It makes me feel as though some days I can not do anything right and I just want to

Well that is all for today just had to get this off my chest.
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Thanks to all of you that commented to my first journal 08-04-2004 - 12:18 PM
Again thanks, to the one that asked why I have to have my colposcopy done under anesthesia is because: 1) I have had a TAH-BSO so without ovaries vagina is a little more friable. 2) I have also had external and internal (can you say OUCH) radiation, which can lead to vaginal dryness and atrophy as well as adding to the friability. 3) being that it is in the vagina (not the cervix) it is a little more painful.

Well on to day 2 (well actually day 4 of waiting, just day 2 of journaling). Luckly I do not have to have another catscan, hate the yuckky drink and the IV stuff makes you feel like you just peed you pants (although I don't have to worry about that, but it still feels that way)

I am trying to resign myself to the fact that I am going to see doctors for the rest of my life weither I like it or not. Maybe I am making up for the first 40 years of my life. The most major surgery that I had was a jaw surgery (had a real bad underbite). Jaw was sawed, and put back together at the tender age of 16+/-. I went 6 to 8 weeks with my mouth wired shut, which made it hard for a young girl to talk. Marching band was a hoot, I played the clarinet, (well for 8 weeks I pretended to play) Just basicly was a body on the marching field. (Good thing was I lost about 20 lbs+/-, bad thing was I gained it all back plus some) I went thru life with out so much as a broken bone (had a misplaced colar bone at the age of 5, from sister trying to pull me up off floor)

But now I am dealing with cancer...... Such a nasty word. I hate the word, the fear that it brings, the sadness that you see in peoples eyes when you tell them that you have cancer. Why is it put upon people that only try to do good, that live a good life, and that try to make a difference in the world. I do not know and only GOD knows. When I was told that I was going to loose my bladder I screamed (inside) and was so mad at God for having me go thru this. I kept asking "WHY ME?????" As I have said before I have resigned myself to having to deal with this dreaded disease.

I had met a lovely lady with OVCA at my doctors office a couple of days ago and she felt that she wasn't for this world much longer. She has had 16+/- treatment for OVCA, and she talked to me for a little bit. She had resigned herself that she was going to let this BEAST (cancer) beat her, but she didn't seem sad about it, just that it was a fact that she may not be here much longer. I can still see her in my minds eye, and hear her words.

We had lost a dear friend on the Cancer concerns board a few months ago, and I think of her often. I wonder if she is still watching over us. I was so freeked out yesterday I was on the net and her name popped up on my buddy list. I miss her so much and hope that her family is doing okay. She also had went thru soooooo much, but in the end the BEAST won but I know that she is in heaven with our father.

I have a young son (age 10 or at least will be on the 7th of August), and I want to see him grow up, have children of his own. He has asked me or his dad what will happen to him if we were both to die. That questions always brings tears to my eyes and the more I think about it, the more I wonder will I be around to see him grow up??? Life is so unfair.......
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Thinking about my doctors appt yesterday 08-03-2004 - 04:22 PM
I do not even know where to start.... First off I am a CANCER SURVIVOR. I have had a total of 3 surgeries with in the past 2 years +/-.

First one was for the hyst, it was for a pelvic mass and a CA-125 of 235 (normal 0-35). Thankfully I didn't have OVCA but did come out with Cervical cancer stage 2b. I have had normal paps, although infrequent. Even the one done by an ob/gyn just before my surgery was normal. I had Chemo and radiation for the cancer and was left in limbo, wondering what was next.

Well the first pap after the surgery was fine, but the second one in june of 2003 Well..... the doctor could see the abnormal cells with the naked eye, not good news. I had a CT scan, PET scan, and bone scan all came back normal. Thank GOD!!! But I still had to undergo a colposcopy under anesthesia. The biopsies came back with the cancer coming back. So at the end of August I had to go back under the knife to have it taken out. (surgery #2) I had recovered fast from the surgery, maybe too fast. I ended up forming a fistula. OOOPS it went from the size of a pencil point (.)to the size of a quarter in a period of a month or so. Well off to surgery #3, formation of a new bladder. At first I was upset about it but in time I have gotten use to it.

Well.... now to today August 3, 2004. I had went to my gyn/onc the end of june. Okay fine did pap doc says see you in 4 months..... A couple of weeks later I find out that OOOPPPSSS she was wrong I will see you August 2, for another colposcopy. So okay I get geared up for the colposcopy and she does the viniger ??? test. And then schedules me for a colposcopy under anesthesia. I meen why didn't she doo that to begin with??? Ole well, so now I have to wait untill the end of the month August 31, 2004 to have this done. BUMMER!~!!!!!!

I am a person that hates to wait I want to KNOW NOW!!!!!!!!!

Everything runs thru my mind, all the questions that I had when I was first diagnosed with this blasted cancer.

By the way thank you in advance for reading this journal I just hope that I can help at least one person.

Most of all, those of you that still have your cervix and or related parts.


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