Reading the comments (
), I wanted to address some of the concerns:
- I do have support... but I'm not good at asking for help. Just as an example: I need someone to fill in a document, testifying to the fact that we were a couple and I want to ask his cousin, who's also a wonderful friend. I also want to ask him to help me with a few other things... help he's offerred... and I can't bring myself to call him. I will tomorrow, since the papers need to be filled in for me and the kids to get his pension fund.
- I have not discussed this with my doctor, but I am signed up for a few support group activities. We have a berievement organization in our city and they hold group therapy for the berieved. For those of us grieving a spouse, it's an 11 week program. MIL and I are also signed up for an evening called "My first X-Mas without you". Both groups are supposed to bring tons of help.
If I continue to feel this way, I will ask for a referral to a grief counsellor: I simply can't go on this way. Nothing is getting done... except my job.
I have booked Monday off: Tuesday is a day off for us (Memorial Day) and Monday is a PD day, so it should help and allow me to catch up on my sleep.
I just feel that if I could have a shoulder to cry on... but not the shoulder of someone who's grieving just as much as I am... I could move on and get to the next phase
BTW, yes, I feel guilty when I breathe, when I laugh, when I enjoy myself... because he can't do any of those things anymore!!! Tonight, I was feeling such anger towards my DS because he was having such a good time!!! I didn't express the anger, but it was just about the strongest feeling I've had since this whole nightmare started!!!! And I feel guilty for feeling that towards my poor baby.
Oh... I don't know how to do this. Nothing prepared me for this. I just can't believe that I'm here, sitting in this house, with no DH and 2 kids to raise who no longer have a daddy!!! Not when their DD was busy fretting around the yard only 3 months ago!!! It just can't be true!!! Why did this happen to him? To my wonderful DH? He'd never even been sick before!!! How can this have happened?
I don't know what to do. Rest and get it out of my system? Work myself ragged so I don't have time to think or feel? Or find something in the middle that will allow me to get some rest and to work things through while also giving me a chance to numb myself a good deal of the time so I can breathe?
The problem is that I'm OK while I'm at work ... most of the time... as long as I'm busy... and I'm really busy... but feel the pain, the loss, the grief the minute I'm out of the building and heading for the bus.... and I can't seem to be able to shake it until I fall asleep after taking a sleeping pill. I don't know how long I'll be able to stand this!!
Hopefully, it's just a phase and I'll soon be moving on to a more comfortable phase of grieving