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I do have support... but... 11-07-2008 - 08:58 PM
Reading the comments ( all ), I wanted to address some of the concerns:

- I do have support... but I'm not good at asking for help. Just as an example: I need someone to fill in a document, testifying to the fact that we were a couple and I want to ask his cousin, who's also a wonderful friend. I also want to ask him to help me with a few other things... help he's offerred... and I can't bring myself to call him. I will tomorrow, since the papers need to be filled in for me and the kids to get his pension fund.

- I have not discussed this with my doctor, but I am signed up for a few support group activities. We have a berievement organization in our city and they hold group therapy for the berieved. For those of us grieving a spouse, it's an 11 week program. MIL and I are also signed up for an evening called "My first X-Mas without you". Both groups are supposed to bring tons of help.

If I continue to feel this way, I will ask for a referral to a grief counsellor: I simply can't go on this way. Nothing is getting done... except my job.

I have booked Monday off: Tuesday is a day off for us (Memorial Day) and Monday is a PD day, so it should help and allow me to catch up on my sleep.

I just feel that if I could have a shoulder to cry on... but not the shoulder of someone who's grieving just as much as I am... I could move on and get to the next phase

BTW, yes, I feel guilty when I breathe, when I laugh, when I enjoy myself... because he can't do any of those things anymore!!! Tonight, I was feeling such anger towards my DS because he was having such a good time!!! I didn't express the anger, but it was just about the strongest feeling I've had since this whole nightmare started!!!! And I feel guilty for feeling that towards my poor baby.

Oh... I don't know how to do this. Nothing prepared me for this. I just can't believe that I'm here, sitting in this house, with no DH and 2 kids to raise who no longer have a daddy!!! Not when their DD was busy fretting around the yard only 3 months ago!!! It just can't be true!!! Why did this happen to him? To my wonderful DH? He'd never even been sick before!!! How can this have happened?

I don't know what to do. Rest and get it out of my system? Work myself ragged so I don't have time to think or feel? Or find something in the middle that will allow me to get some rest and to work things through while also giving me a chance to numb myself a good deal of the time so I can breathe?

The problem is that I'm OK while I'm at work ... most of the time... as long as I'm busy... and I'm really busy... but feel the pain, the loss, the grief the minute I'm out of the building and heading for the bus.... and I can't seem to be able to shake it until I fall asleep after taking a sleeping pill. I don't know how long I'll be able to stand this!!

Hopefully, it's just a phase and I'll soon be moving on to a more comfortable phase of grieving

NoniOhio said at 11-07-2008 - 10:12 PM
Have you started to attend the support groups? If not - how soon can you get in? They sound really like they'll be really good for both you and your MIL. If it's going to be a while - then it might be a good idea to consider seeing a grief counselor until you can get into the support group. (Just a thought.)

As for having trouble asking people for help. I know a lot of people who have trouble asking for help. Personally - I think it's better when people do ask for help. I don't know many (ok - make that any) people who have E.S.P. and know when to help and what to do to help someone.

I know that this is easier said than done - but if you can try to cherish the times that you laugh (instead of feeling guilty) - then you'll be allowing yourself to heal. I'm guessing that your DH loved to hear you laugh. In my own personal belief system, I believe the loved ones in my family who passed on (my father and brother) - can hear me when I talk with them - and they smile when I laugh.


MoonMab said at 11-07-2008 - 10:40 PM
It also sounds to me as if you are still kind of in shock. Not surprising considering the suddenness of his illness. Do you ever "talk" to him? I've done that in my head with my loved ones who have passed on. Doesn't matter if you believe they can hear you. Just "talk" to him. Tell him how you feel about him being gone. Are you angry with him for instance? Then tell him! He was there before when you needed him. NOw you are going through h--l and he's not there. Talk to him as if he is.

I dont' know, maybe this is dumb advice, but it has helped me to have a "conversation" with my loved ones who have passed on.

Many, many hugs.





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