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Comparing ourselves among ourselves… 10-03-2011 - 06:49 PM
I am numb…

Patience was never my virtue. I do everything fast, drive, talk, eat, sleep. Yesterday, I finished up majority of the things I’ll need while I recover. I washed comforters, went to the market, packed my bag for the hospital and put a few things in a basket that’ll go next to me on the sofa, (lotion, vitamins, Kleenex, gum, Gas X, etc). Last night, I didn’t sleep well and I woke up this morning feeling uneasy. I’m not sure what’s going on in my mind but I’m feeling the same way I felt when I first decided I would have the hysterectomy.

Is it nervousness? Anxiety? Fear? I’m not sure. Today, I’m pondering if I’m making the right decision. So, how did I reach my decision…

Overall, I realize that my issue is not nearly as bad as some that I’ve read here. Like, today I started my cycle, surprisingly I’m not in pain, day one is never bad, and I have slight bleeding. Tomorrow and Wednesday are my heaviest days but I’m still functional. Most of Thursday I’ll bleed a little more, then towards the end of the day and Friday, it’s practically nothing.

As long as I can remember my cycle has been like clock work. My paps are always normal and I’ve never had any female related issues. Heck, overall I’m a healthy woman. The worse part of a cycle is the cramps. I’ve never tolerated pain well, no matter where it’s located. It’s the primary reason I can’t Ibuprofen (which to me works wonders on cramps), a long time ago, I had a toothache and I feared going to the dentist. No matter whom I talked too they never had anything good to say about a dental visit. My mother had 800 mg of Motrin that I took faithfully to deal with the pain. It pretty much killed my stomach and I ended up losing the tooth anyway.

I’m one of those people that if I hear something hurt, I won’t do it! {Although, usually once I’m forced into it…it’s not nearly as bad as I had heard}. However, I work myself up. Like, when I was 13 and a childhood friend told me that getting birth control hurt. As a result, when my mother asked me did I need them, I said no. Unbeknown to me, my friend was talking about the pelvic exam, LOL. A few months later, I was with child.

I was pregnant at 14, my mother and I didn’t find out until I was six months along. Back then it was taboo. I couldn’t go to the same school as other girls my age and sex was something done behind closed door and not talked about openly as it is now. Some days, I reflect back on the shame I must have brought my mother. {Although, she handled it like the star she is}. I thank God for having such a wonderful and supportive mother; she allowed me to have my childhood while she raised my son.

She had fibroids…

Over these last few weeks, I’ve reflected on a lot. Like, when my aunt took me to the hospital to see her when she had her partial hysterectomy. She must have just come out of recovery because she was half ways conscious and coughing a lot. I remember crying, as if she was dying. My mother is super old fashion, like after giving birth to my son; she wouldn’t let me go outside the ENTIRE 6 weeks. She said, I’d catch pneumonia because I was still “open”. I could only stand in the doorway to talk to my friends, LOL

God bless my mother…

When I told her I was having a hysterectomy, her first words were, “it’ll be ok”. Sometimes, I forget the ways of a mother. Instinctually, we know the needs of our children. I know when my own child is hurting I’ll do the impossible to comfort him. We don’t talk too much about it now because I know, she knows. She’s been through it. She’s getting things ready for me also.

I made my decision because I don’t want to subject myself to years of uncertainty. Or as the first GYN told me take a wait and see approach. My fibroids are big, I can feel them, and I saw them on the MRI. I probably could put off having a hysterectomy another few years, perhaps, even try something different. Nah, remember I’m not patience; I’m comforted by certainty. I’d rather not spend the next 20 years dealing with this.

I’ve only told five people about this, my son, my bff, my significant other, my boss and of course my mother. Coworkers wonder, but I believe in separating my professional life from my personal life. However, today when one of my coworkers asked me was I ready for Friday, I almost cried. I believe it contributed to my numbness…

Come on Friday…


 
divastar1874 said at 10-03-2011 - 07:25 PM
AWW SIS! it will be fine! I went through what you are going through feeling and emotion wise. You will be fine! I promise! I'm here if you need to talk!

 


machchic said at 10-04-2011 - 06:57 AM
I'd like to share something, I also have my time of the month right on time. First few days light, 1 day heavy then tapers off and gone till another 28days. My PMS was predictable and I rarely ever took Motrin, Advil or anything.

I never had a child and on no birth controls and DH functioning fine so at the age of 43 our sex life was getting uneventful as I swore I was to old to get pregnant and we both were to bone headed to get fixed.

So no pain, healthy nothing ever wrong. Then I had an ovarian cyst burst, I have had this before in high school so I thought since I had not been at the Gyno in a few years I better go and I guess I would break down and get my tubes tied so we could have fun again without the worry.

Well off to the ultrasound I go and walla, I had a fibroid a big one and comes to find out later a fast growing one that I had to get removed because of the word cancer. So ok I went from nothing wrong to having this growing mass which caused me no pain (just a nice 4 month protruded belly of which I thought was lack of sit ups since I only like walking or running) to a hysterectomy. ( I was having bladder issues, like sneezing...watch out because this was pressing on my bladder. ) but I thought hey my Mom has that so I guess I got the leaky bladder to.

So I said let's do it. I do not regret it at all. I do read all of the other peoples issues and setbacks, it does scare you, but you are in control of your health. 90% is attitude and your mind. You are going to be fine. You are alot like me - YOU DO EVERYTHING. After this you will stop and smell the roses, it will be hard but you realize in order to do all those things you did before you have to get better.

I have a good feeling for you. Ask questions, DR.'s and nurses work for you.

So take a deep breathe and finish up those last little todo's and keep posting.

Have a great day Girly girl!

 


 

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