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It is no longer in my hands… 10-06-2011 - 07:55 PM
The day started off smooth. I got up, dressed and went to work early. I am truly loved by my colleagues. Although, I didn’t share with them what I’m having done they are supportive. I was given well-wishes with hugs and kisses, flowers, cards, and a gift bags with fiber one bars, prunes, a gift certificate to the deli in our building and a penny. At the end of the day I rushed out quickly because my emotions started to get the best of me.

Once home, I sat on my bed just to digest what transpired. I felt myself about to cry again! I got up because there was so much more I needed to do before tomorrow. My mother and I went to the bank. While in line, she’s a few feet away talking to an older woman {77 according to my mother}. When I finished up, I walked over to them and the woman asked, was my mother…my mother. Yes, I said. She begins conversing about where she lived, her husband whom passed away 12 years ago and a relative’s funeral she attended; the husband of the deceased stood up and said, “I’m a free man”. We all laughed! We talked a little more then she departed. I asked my mother did she know her she said no and that she came up and just started talking. The weird part, before she walked off she said to me “you’re going to heaven”. It kind of baffled me because as a complete stranger I felt the sincerity in her words. Plus I believe what the scriptures say.

{be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2}

All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, “could I die tomorrow?” “what did she mean?”, or was that just the most High way of telling me I will be all right tomorrow?

Because I AM nervous…

Every morning I speak with my son because he lives out of state. He’s aware of my condition and wished he could be here. Before our morning chat ended he said, “I guess I can forget about ever having a brother or sister”. We laughed but deep down inside I was sad. Before making the decision, I was 99% sure I didn’t want any more children; however, it’s different now that option is being taken away without choice.

Uncertainty...

There are only a few things I’m afraid of, the dark, flying and general anesthesia. Why? Because I have no control over neither! My life is pretty much in the hands of someone else. That makes me uneasy. Everyone is telling me I have nothing to fear, part of me believe them; part of me does not. I suppose that’s what makes us human.

My bag is packed, house is cleaned, clothes a folded and put away. Only things left to do, enema, shave my armpits and legs and shower.

I don’t imagine me sleeping tonight...



 
divastar1874 said at 10-10-2011 - 02:01 AM
Awwww sis!!!! Just know that you are ALWAYS in my prayers. I know speaking with your son helps! Call me if you need to chat! Love you!!!!!!!!!

 


 

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