Things have been so hectic here. Eldest DS moved back home from school at the end of April for the summer now, we've had youger DS's birthday at the start of May, and this weekend my DH turns 50!
We're heading up north to the family cottage for the weekend to celebrate. It works out quite well, as his birthday always falls on the Victoria Day weekend up here in Canada. It's officially the first real holiday weekend leading up to the summer, and traditionally we celebrate the Queen's birthday with fireworks, so it should be fun.

I've been busy taking eldest DS(20) to the hospital for tests as well. He's had some digestive problems, and he's being tested for Celiac disease, as well as IBS, or irritable bowel syndrome. He's being tested with endoscopies, a colonoscopy, and other procedures as well. I'm pretty sure he'll be fine, he just gets some upsets sometimes when he eats fast food. He's been better since he's cut back on the burgers and fries.

A friend of mine has been inviting me to walk with her and some other ladies a few days a week, and the good news is I've finally got more energy and endurance than they do, and they've never had this surgery and they're younger than me!! Sorry if that sounds like I'm gloating, but I never thought I would get back to normal after this surgery (late January, '04), and I'm finally keeping up with everyone else!!
Hope this gives someone else out there some hope, because it does seem to take a full year to heal from this surgery.

On another note, I think I've found someone to sew my daughter's prom dress. I was so worried about doing a good job, so I just have to give this other lady the fabric and have her measure my daughter and she's supposed to be able to make anything.
Anyway, I hope everyone else is keeping well. I've had a really hard time keeping up with journals. It seems like we have such a long winter up here, and we try to make up for lost time as soon as the weather finally improves here (usually that's April, but this year spring has come SO late).
Take care everyone, I'm wishing better health and healing for everyone. Some are dealing with so much, my heart does go out to you.

s, Anne

Just a quick update to let you know how the colonoscopy went yesterday.

It is a very good idea to get this done, and is worth the discomfort that you go through to get the peace of mind. Yes, it is worth going through the Fleet oral treatments, and the humility of having your rear end up in the air, AGAIN, lol. My DH not so jokingly said they should sell a pair of Depends along with the Fleet oral, and then went and bought me some for the long trip to the hospital.

For those of you who didn't read my last entry, I have had this done once before at the age of 44, because my Dad had just died of colon cancer. They recommend having a screening at around age 50, and every 5 or 6 years thereafter.

I have a twisty colon, just like my Dad, so it was uncomfortable last time, and I needed an extra procedure as well.
This time, I got the experienced Dr., as he knew with having endo, and a hysterectomy, I might experience pain again (it can cause adhesions which can complicate the procedure). He was very good, and I had warned him I might complain if it hurt. It must be something about the medications they put in the IV ~ valium, and some other demerol type drug, as I remember telling him again, this really hurts. That's not like me, my parents raised us not to complain too much, the British stiff upper lip thing.

Anyway, the good news is everything is just great, no polyps, so I'm free and clear and he doesn't want to see me for 6 to 10 years. Gee, maybe I did complain too much???

It's well worth it for the peace of mind, and most people experience little or no discomfort. I guess I'm in the genetic minority with my "redundant" colon, as they call it.

Take care, hope everyone is keeping well. I'm having difficulties keeping up with everyone's journals these days, and I apologize.

with love

s, Anne

Well, I think (she says with fingers crossed ) that spring is FINALLY coming, but I thought that last week as well. We had a few days of lovely weather, which melted all the snow we had had accumulated over the winter.

I had bought 4 tickets for an outdoor hockey game, in mid- February thinking April 2nd would be too warm for an outdoor game. Boy, was I ever wrong.
The game was played by a combination of both current and retired NHL hockey stars, and they were playing for charity (tsunami relief, and for a camp for children with cancer). We've been hockey starved this year due to the NHL lock out. My youngest was SO excited, his favourite player, a goalie with the New Jersey Devils was going to be there. He went down with his replica jersey to try to get his hero's autograph, and my DH took heart-breaking pictures of his hero passing him by.:cry:
I had only bought 4 tickets, so not enough for me to go, along with DH, DD, and DS's aged 20 and almost 13.
The weather was so miserable, it couldn't have been worse. They were sitting out in pouring rain, with the temperature hovering around 32 degrees Fahrenheit the whole time~ they came home soaking wet, but happy after seeing hockey under less than ideal conditions. Up on the top of the escarpment where we live, we got snow instead of rain, another 3 or 4 inches worth after the weekend was over.

DD is a good sport, it's not easy being in between the 2 boys. I've been trying to figure out how to make her (ie- sew) an Eowyn dress, as that's what she wants to wear for her school formal. She's always had a mind of her own, and doesn't feel comfortable in the formal dresses with the spaghetti straps and plunging necklines.
Thought I better explain, Eowyn is the human character played by Miranda Otto in Lord of the Rings. She's in love with Aragorn, but he's in love with Arwen, played by Liv Tyler. DD does have long, blonde hair, so this might look nice on her, but this certainly won't be your traditional formal gown. Here's what it looks like, anyone have any suggestions?

http://www.herr-der-ringe-film.de/v2...nematrix21.jpg

I've started on my pre-colonoscopy fast today, and I'm really hungry!!! I have the colonoscopy first thing tomorrow morning, so I can't eat until tomorrow after noon or so.
I've got to start the Fleet oral etc, in a few hours, and I'm so NOT looking forward to this. I first had one done 5 years ago, as my Dad had just passed away with colon cancer. The current thought is that you should have this done every 5 years or so ~ at least until they can come up with a blood test to see if you have the gene to get colon cancer.

It's a good thing I mentioned about my endo and hysterectomy to my surgeon at my appointment 2 weeks ago. It turns out, it could make it more difficult for them to get around, as the endo can (but not always) bind up your digestive system and really make a mess of your digestive system. My Dr. said it could be easier or more difficult this time to get around, depending on the endo, and if there are any adhesions from the surgery. Last time, I had a very young (and handsome) Dr. They're making sure I have the experienced one tomorrow because they had such difficulty getting through last time, and had to finish with a barium enema which is not pleasant at all, especially after having just completed the first procedure.

I want to thank all of you for your concern in my last post, I really do appreciate your support so much.

Wish me luck tomorrow, I'm really not looking forward to this at all. As an aside, why do all these specialists have to be male, and on top of that so good looking? It would be so nice to have some lady Dr.'s to do some of these procedures for a change.

with love to all,

s, Anne

Wow, I probably haven't really journalled for a little while. Things have been very busy, we've just finished up March Break here, and the kids are now back at school for a few days. We didn't go away, DH couldn't get any time off work, so DD went to driver's ed and finished her class time ~ now just getting the in-car lessons. It will be good for her, she's 17 and may need to drive herself to school on occasion next fall.

Went for a lovely walk in the woods yesterday. It was STILL snowing, lol, and there's still quite a bit of snow on the ground here. I'm getting really anxious for spring to come at this point, it seems like it's been a very long winter.

DH has been refinishing some old frames up for me, and we've been using the scanner to enlarge some copies of very old pictures of my family. We had one done specially for an antique oval frame, of my grandma and grandpa when they first arrived in Canada, around 1910 or so. They're so cool, I probably should be living in an older house, with all these antique frames we have around the house.

Well, tomorrow I'm off to see my Dr. about a colonoscopy I've got scheduled two weeks from tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to this, last time I had it done it really hurt as they couldn't get the exploratory scope around my colon. I have what's called a "redundant" colon, which basically means there's an extra loop in it like the letter "e". They had to do an extra procedure on me to get an idea of what's going on, some kind of barium enema with an ultrasound to try to see the rest of the way round.
I've been having trouble with my bowels since my surgery, it feels as though I'm always constipated. I'm not sure if it's related to the endo that I had the surgery for, the surgeon said it was all over everything, including being wrapped all around my colon and large intestine.

Apart from that and the omni-present fatigue, I think I'm doing pretty well. I do get the night sweats on occasion, and some headaches at the drop of a hat. I'm getting the vaginal dryness thing too, and that's no fun, but I guess it goes with the menopausal territory.

Don't know whether or not I'm the only one that feels this way, but when I try to run, I feel a tight sensation up where my cervix would have been. I don't know whether they stitched me up too tightly or not, lol. It does make me kind of sad though, I thought this sensation would "loosen" up with time, or I would get used to it. My DH has a hard time understanding why I still feel sad about this surgery more than a year later, it's so hard to explain unless you've felt these changes for yourself.

Well, that's all for now. I hope everyone is doing as well as possible, so many of you are coping with so much. I really wish everyone could have a complicated free recovery, but wish you well with finding the good care you truly deserve.

Take care everyone.

I may not be on the journalling site the next few days, as I'm worried about catching a virus of the computing variety.

We were notified by our server in January that we needed to update our virus software.

I told DH, as he's the technophile of the 2 of us~ he gave me various responses and procrastinated. I'm the cautious of the 2, and have been begging him to update.
Now we're having trouble uploading the software, I'm frustrated with DH (what else is new ) so I may not be on much either.

Hoping everyone is keeping well. Do take care, you are all very dear to me...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update, Thursday.
My DH felt sufficiently guilty for not taking my concerns seriously, and went and bought some new Virus software. It's been successfully uploaded, so everything should be good on my computer once again (I don't think I had a virus, I just felt vulnerable without virus protection). Thanks for your concern.

s, Anne

Hi all,
I got a note back from Marilyn saying how much she really appreciated everyone's kind thoughts and wanted so much to thank everyone.

I had written to her (okay, I was begging) asking her to please not leave our community entirely. I think that all of us believe that Marilyn truly has a special gift at connecting with people through her writing.
Her warmth and tenderness come shining through, and she has so much to offer all of us with her friendship and her spirituality.

I couldn't bear to think that she wouldn't share her wonderful thoughts with us anymore. Just too painful for me, she's been such a wonderful friend to all of us here.

Right now, she told me she's feeling discouraged, and in a lot of pain while she's waiting for her toe to mend. She's asking for us to pray for her, and to send warm thoughts and healing vibes her way.

She said she'll read our journal entries when she can, and I'm so relieved to hear that. I'm hoping if she feels inspired to write a wonderful entry that she will share her thoughts with us.

Bless you Marilyn, you're such an integral part of this community, we hope you continue to heal and keep in touch with all of us here.

with much love as always

s, Anne

It's been a busy week, demanding both physically and mentally.
There have been teacher luncheons to help with, our annual food drive, and visiting a new "princess" who lives close by.

That was a pleasure, she's 3 weeks post op from a TVH and looks great! I know I didn't look that good so early post op. She was wearing leather pants!!! The dear woman made treats for my friend and I who came to visit her, and had candles out and everything for our visit. Then she listened to us complain about our DH's! Poor thing!

I'm just still suffering with major mental fatigue (don't think it's depression, I'm just VERY winter weary at this point). We had more snow on the weekend, and that's REALLY not helping my mood. I'm also not sleeping really well, I dress very lightly even though it's winter, and still wake up with terrible hot flashes. My poor DH has to endure me kicking all the blankets off, and then when I start to freeze, pull them all back on again.

Plus, it seems like my kids are always home and need my attention in some form or other. Youngest DS was off sick, and home on a PA day on Friday. DD is finished school every day now at 12:30 and is home a little after 1:00pm. Eldest DS is home from University for reading week for a week, and competes with me for the car.

Well, it didn't take very long for sparks to fly between older DS and DD. DS shouldn' t have come home for his break before finishing a major assignment, and needed to use the "good" computer. DD thinks of that one as hers, as she uses it to do her assignments to get ready for college as she's in her final year of high school.

DD and DS got along very well when they were little, then the teen years hit, and major sibling rivalry seem to set in.

DD has always been a dear, but very difficult child. She cried solidly the first six months of her life due to colic. She would cry from 10 in the morning til 10 at night. I remember having friends visit me, and both DD and I would be crying during the visit.
We had no relatives close by to give me a break from DD. It was exhausting.

She's always been very intense, and the summer she was 3 she watched the original version of "King Kong". That was it, all summer long she pretended she was King Kong. She would put on wonderful, creative plays as a child, and has always had a vivid imagination. She would memorize each Disney movie, and knew the lyrics to every song, and would happily sing them while she was on the swing in our yard.

Now, her passion at home is the computer. She's a good kid, I can't complain. She's in the band, the choir, loves to draw and paint, and been on the Year Book committee as well as RMAC which is a racial minority group at the school (she figures she's a minority because she's half Polish).

Well, older DS wanted the computer and DD wasn't ready at the pre-arranged time. All **** broke loose when she had to give it up. Kind of embarassing as we had a friend of youngest DS visiting at the time, I'm sure he didn't know what to make of the commotion. We may have to take her to see someone, this is getting a little out of hand.

Told DH Sunday, if I don't get out of this house, I'm going to go insane! An antique show was going on with local "experts" who would appraise your antiques, similar in idea to the antiques road show.

I brought in a small Santa ornament that I suspect came over from England with my grandparents in the early 1900's. The appraiser thought it dated from around 1865, but I'm not too sure. I did some homework on Google when I got home, and don't think it's quite that old. It's still quite cool, and that was the mental break that I needed.

DS is home for the week, I hope we can all get along that long. It's hard to readjust when they come home, the eldest thinks they can come back home and rule the roost again. It's difficult for everyone.

Hope everyone is keeping well, and we'll all have to hang in there 'til spring. Seems like a lot of strange weather going on all over the world this year,and it does affect your mood.

Thanks to all you wonderful sisters for helping me keep my sanity (at least I think I'm still sane ). I don't know what I'd do without this wonderful place to vent.

I had really been looking forward to Valentine's Day this year. Last year, I was in no shape to celebrate as I was just two weeks post op, so I had been excitedly planning for this one.

I asked my DH to book it off as a holiday, so we could spend a nice day together. He's been working 6 days a week for the last 3 or 4 weeks (gone for 80 hours with his commute), so I'd really been looking forward to this.

Well, there's that old saying about life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

Strike one, 12 year old DS got sick with the flu on the weekend, had quite a fever and just felt generally unwell. He's staying home on Monday.
Strike two, we listen to the weather report. Freezing rain predicted for Monday morning. DD says if school is cancelled, she'll stay home and take care of DS for the day so we can go out. Well, even though trucks are going off the road, and my car can't make it up my street AGAIN, the schools are open.
The weather is terrible, so my idea for a day outing is seriously over.

Then there's DH's mood. Not good, he's tired, been working SO hard providing for the family ( I thought we were an egalitarian family, not too sure about this one lately).

So the long and short of it is, I got new tires for Valentine's Day (long overdue), my basement got clean, AND I got chocolate!

Woohoo, great Valentine's Day. Think I won't bother planning anything next year, maybe things will go better that way.

Just thought I'd share my tale, these "Hallmark Holidays" don't always go the way you expect them to.

I look on at everyone here, and am just amazed and inspired by the level of resilience and energy I see demonstrated here every day.

There are people here that can handle very difficult co-workers (Kim, or Dylli), people with great business savvy that can manage their own businesses (jeanette), and others who are dealing with one surgery after another with such courage and grace. I am literally in awe of all of you here, for one reason or another. Everyone is dealing with things so well.

Sometimes I feel so inadequate in comparison.

Fluffy Lemur did a post awhile back in the fall about personality types, and I thought that maybe I could find the answers there that I was looking for.
I just don't feel resilient at all, and life's little problems REALLY seem to wear me down. It got to the point where if I was watching the news, and some war veteran had tears in his eyes because people didn't wear poppies on Remembrance Day, then I would have tears rolling down my cheeks!!

My kids would get the TV remote, and turn the TV off so Mom would stop the waterworks.

I just don't feel as resilient as I should probably be. I have people telling me "you should do this" or worse yet "your kids should be doing this" (which is one reason I hate giving advice, because I'm not always gracious at receiving it).

I took a Meyers-Briggs test, and found out that like Fluffy Lemur, I am an INFP (introverted, intuitive, feeling, perceiving), which is a rather rare typology (1% of the population), and explains why I start crying every time I watch the nightly news. Fluffy and I share this typology with Julia Roberts, Lisa Kudrow, Amy Tan, James Taylor, John F. Kennedy Jr., Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Fred Rogers (okay now THAT freaked me out), Mary, mother of Jesus (not quite sure how they figured her out), Shakespeare, and Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame! Plus, my name sake, Anne of Green Gables..

It's fun to take this test, and as Fluffy says, it explains a lot about the way we see the world.
We fall into a category of healer-idealist, which explains why my Dad used to get so frustrated with me as a child, when I'd ask him why do things have to be that way? I used to think there was something really wrong with me, but then realized that you just are the way you are. It came as a huge relief, and I felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Anyway, I should get back to doing something, I've been cleaning out my dungeon of a basement(we have things from all 4 parents down there, 3 kids, and my pack-rat husband). My DD wore me out yesterday, not up to teenage dramas and confrontations EVERY day.

My prayers go out to Laura (hunnybunches) for her surgery today, I hope she gets the relief she needs for her pain. She has already suffered through so much, my heart goes out to her.

Hope everyone else is keeping as well as possible, and HAPPY NEW YEAR to Mei!! I hope you feel well enough to enjoy the holiday feasts.

s

I haven't felt so tired in such a long time. I actually felt like crawling back into bed after the kids got off to school today. Since I had already made the bed, I resigned myself that I'm just going to have to have a nap on the couch if it's required.

The funny thing is, I don't ever remember my Mom complaining about feeling tired. She had the last of her 4 kids at 42, and she just kept going, I'm guessing, even when she didn't feel like it.

I was 36 when my youngest was born, so I shouldn't feel this tired right?

I've been getting up early and driving kids to school, and then arguing with them to do homework and go to bed at night. My DS handed me a note this morning at the last minute, saying they need ski helmets and wrist guards for a school ski trip tomorrow! My 17 year old DD needs drives to job interviews, and for early dismissal from school after exams (she's afraid to learn to drive, a good friend of hers has been in 2 bad accidents already).

I'm really starting to believe that my Mom and Dad's generation was a tougher breed than mine is (at least a lot more resilient than I am, lol).

Think I'm going to have a nap on the couch now.

Yesterday, I started on a journal entry that I then deleted. I’m glad I did, I’ve had more time to reflect on it.

One thing I’ve noticed after this surgery is that I’m a lot more reflective about things than I was prior to it, and I’ve always had that tendency anyway. I’ve been much more appreciative of what I do have, and have done in my life than I did before.

I think I had taken a lot for granted before.

I found this list, called 99 things to do before you die. It’s well worth a look, and you might be pleasantly surprised to see you’ve done some of the things on the list, or things close to what is on the list.

http://travel.discovery.com/ideas/cu...s/101/101.html

There are things like, visit a nudist colony that I KNOW I will never do. There are other things on the list like ride on a cable car in San Francisco, take a mule ride in the Grand Canyon, go for a steamboat cruise down the Mississippi River, visit the Main Library in New York City, visit the Hershey Chocolate Factory in Pennsylvania, see the Burning Man in Nevada, cruise the strip in Vegas and many others.

There are others that might be more difficult to achieve, like climb Mount Olympus, or watch Sumo wrestling in Japan, visit the Galapagos Islands, or walk along the Great Wall of China.

Maybe you want to take painting lessons, or go away for a writer’s workshop – lots of wonderful ideas.

It started me thinking of all the wonderful things I HAVE done in my life, and have been so fortunate to do. I thought maybe I should start my own list, and I started listing things off to my DS as I drove him to school this morning.
We have walked on a glacier (in the Rocky Mountains) in Alberta, and have seen whales off the east coast of Canada. We've eaten lobster in Maine, and visited the aquarium in Boston. We have seen the Northern Lights in the night sky, in the field right behind our home.

There are the things closer to home too, just being able to enjoy watching the way the snow melts on the fir trees, only to freeze as it gets cool again, forming lovely little icicles on the tips of the branches. I saw a mist coming off the snow this morning, signaling that it’s going to be a warmer day today. The sight of the mist over the snow was quite lovely. We are blessed that we live in an area with lots of small waterfalls, I love nothing better than going for a walk through the woods to find them.
The sight of a baby’s first smile, the sunlight reflecting off the water on the lake, the sound of the fire crackling in the fireplace, the feel of my Dad’s warm sweater I still have hidden in my closet. So many wonderful little things to experience and remember.

I just thought this might be a good thing to do, to make my own list of 99 wonderful things I have seen or done in my life. I don’t think it would take very long at all to come up with a great list.

It’s hard to believe that it was one year ago today I had my surgery.

I only found out a week before that I needed surgery, as I had a large cyst on my left ovary. My family Dr. had made an appointment for me with a specialist (I got taken quickly), and once he had a look at the ultrasound for himself, he tried to line me up for surgery as soon as possible, as he thought it looked like it could have been cancer. They half jokingly said they could have booked me in for surgery the next day as a spot was available, but I hadn’t done my pre-op appointment.

I told my best friend over the phone, and when I ran into her in a store, she couldn’t look me in the eye. I knew she thought that it might be cancer, and I was flipping out about this myself. I was told I had one of the best surgeons available for this type of surgery in my area, so that helped a little.

I didn’t want to alarm my children, so I didn’t tell too many people about the surgery, just the necessary teachers and staff at my son’s school. They were great and offered to help drive my son if we were having trouble getting him to and from his elementary school.

I remember being quite frightened before the surgery. The nurses gave me a mild sedative because my heart was just racing. The anaesthetist was called away for another emergency in critical care at the last minute. I remember the surgical team sitting in the operating theatre, just looking at me for half an hour, before the anaesthetist finally arrived.

The next thing I remember was coming to in the recovery room, and the Dr. spoke the words I wanted to hear – no cancer, but a huge chocolate cyst on my left ovary, and endo EVERYWHERE. Heck, no cancer, I was SO relieved.

That was followed by a 3-day hospital stay as they don’t let you go home here until you’ve passed gas, or better yet had a bowel movement. It seemed like an eternity as I was in a semi- private room, and my roommates always seemed to arrive in the middle of the night. I got next to no sleep in hospital.

Finally, the time came to go home. Obviously, I hadn’t scared my kids too much, as the older two were coming and going bringing friends through the house. DH did his best to take care of the house, the kids and me. He’s a good man.

I had help with driving my son to school for the first 2 weeks, and then my DH had to resume his normal work schedule. A friend had been helping as well, as we had been sharing the driving prior to my surgery.
So at 2 weeks, I was back to driving my DS to school everyday. It was exhausting, and at 4 weeks post op, I had to deal with parents calling to see when I would start volunteering at the school again. I had to have my DH and DS remind me what the word volunteering meant. That’s one reason I’m taking a hiatus from volunteering this year, I honestly don’t think I healed as quickly as I might have if I had taken all the time I needed to heal.

The recovery has been slow, but steady. At six months post op, we went on a 2-week camping and hotel vacation with my family. I remember being pretty irritable by the end of the day, but it was fun to get away.

It has taken the better part of the year to get my energy back, and to feel “normal” again, although I’m not sure I can remember what that’s like after having many problems the last several years.

I didn’t find Hystersisters ‘til after my surgery, about 2 weeks post op if I remember correctly.

I honestly feel that this site has saved my sanity- no one else here in my circle of friends and acquaintances had been through what I had, and I felt so lonely dealing with this on my own. Most people here were uninformed about this kind of surgery, and the recovery time required. I felt very discouraged when people would ask me “aren’t you all better YET?!!”
I didn’t notice the journaling part of this site until we got back from vacation in early August, and felt somewhat silly joining this crowd so late after my surgery, but this has been a wonderful part of my emotional healing.

I have met THE most amazing women on this site- so many brave, wise, warm, funny and generous people here. It has been quite awe inspiring to read what so many of you have been through, and have dealt with in such a positive and courageous manner.

It has been a privilege to get to know all of you, and to share this healing time together.
I want to thank all of you so much.

To the new princesses, I wish you a full and smooth recovery. Don’t let anyone tell you how you SHOULD feel, and don’t let anyone rush your healing process. You know better than anyone else what you feel you are up to doing.

To the princesses who are dealing with chronic pain, I wish for you relief and the best medical care possible. No one should have to suffer in that kind of pain on a daily basis. I hope you can find Dr’s who treat you with respect, and that you find the relief you need .

To my sisters who have been diagnosed with cancer, you have my love and my prayers that your cancer has been found early and treated successfully. You are all awe inspiring to me.

To all the sisters at various stages of recovery, thank you so much for your warm and caring responses to my posts, and for sharing this healing journey with me.
I have truly grown as a person from sharing experiences in this journaling community, and from the Hyster Sister website. This has been a blessing in my life.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

With love and s, Anne

Now I know why I feel so badly today, and just so lacking in energy.

I just noticed on the front page of our paper, that according to British psychologist, Dr. Cliff Arnall, this IS the most depressing day of the year.

Dr. Arnall is a seasonal affective disorder expert, and he created a mathematical formula that factors in dismal weather, Christmas bills, and falling off of New Years resolutions to calculate the worst day of the year, AND TODAY is the day!

The gloom and doom is worse this year, because it falls on a Monday. The good news is we should start feeling better tomorrow.

His theory is based on weather patterns over the United Kingdom, but generally the farther north you live, the more you're likely to suffer from SAD.

Symptoms include extreme fatigue, overeating, weight gain, oversleeping ( I couldn't for the life of me wake up this morning) and carbohydrate cravings (so much for the chocolate I just consumed).

They said if you can't go south, to get out and socialize a bit more.

Hmmm, I'd been having the urge to bed down in front of the fireplace with a blanket and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

Hope this helps anyone else having the blues today, I thought it was because my DH has been working a lot, and I've been managing the family on my own.

Take care everyone.

s

Not much is new here, the weather has been so cold that I've been afraid to venture too far from home in case my old car breaks down. The temperatures have been hovering around -30 to -35 degrees Celsius with the wind chill, so it's been very cold.

My daughter told an on-line friend from the Southern U.S. that our temperatures can range all the way from lows of -40 degrees Fahrenheit (factoring in wind chill) in the winter, to highs of above 100 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer (with humidity).
I guess I don't often think about it, but that is quite a range in temperature. We're quite close to Buffalo, NY, so about the same kind of weather.

We had that big snow storm yesterday, and did have white out/blizzard conditions for awhile. We probably got about a foot of snow, and it seems as though our street is always one of the last to be plowed out. We're on a cul de sac on a slope, and you really can't get out as it's too slippery to get up the hill after a big storm.

We finally made it out after shoveling out a couple of times, and went to see the Phantom of the Opera again. We live only about 3 miles away from the nearest movie theatre, and the movie is just SO beautiful. We drove across town to pick up DD's friend who otherwise wouldn't have been able to go as most people were afraid of driving in the bad weather.

My DH's from Northern Ontario, so he tends to think nothing of our southern Ontario winters. We got to the theatre, and weren't even sure if it would be running or not. The parking lot had only been plowed right in front of the theatre, so there wasn't too much room for many cars.

I was surprised, as there were at least 20 people in our theatre. The movie is so visually stunning and the songs are so moving, we wanted to see it a second time.
Minnie Driver puts in a great performance as Carlotta, but my understanding was that they went with a real opera singer for her singing voice. My DD has the soundtrack, and I've been listening to it while she's at school. I think she does the closing song for the movie which is "Learn to be Lonely".
I must be odd, because I thought the Phantom was more desireable than Raoul. He was SO passionate, and I thought if Christine could just convince him to keep the mask on.

Anyway, won't be going anywhere very far from home again today, as it's another very cold day outside. DH's working, so I'll just be getting after the kids to do homework, and study for exams in DD's case. Maybe I can get a bit of spring cleaning done around the house.

Take care everyone, hope all the new princesses are healing well, and getting the rest they need.
My prayers also go out to Marilyn (Moonchime), as it is her Hysterversary today. Many hugs and prayers Marilyn.

s

I haven't had to shovel any snow since my surgery almost a year ago, and I wasn't sure how I'd do today. I used to do it all the time, and really loved it as long as there wasn't too much, and it wasn't that heavy, packing snow. So far this year, either my DS has been home to shovel, or my DH has been able to do it.

DH has been working long days again lately, so it's my turn once again. I've had almost a full year to recover from my surgery, so I'm fine to do it, and it's very good exercise if you watch how you lift with your back.

It was beautiful to get out today, only about -10 degrees Celsius, downright balmy after yesterday's -35 degrees C. temperatures. It felt really nice to get out in the cool, clean air, and there wasn't much snow. I'm one of the weird people who actually enjoy winter, apart from the treacherous driving through the snow and ice.

My youngest DS came home with his out of catchment form yesterday. We have to reapply every year to continue at the same school where he goes now. It's a long story about why we do this, but it was because of government restructuring, and wanting to save money by doing what was best for the government, over what was in the best interest of the kids.

This was a big stress to me last year, as it came right when I found out I had to have surgery. Two thoughts were going through my head at this time last year, did I have cancer, and would my DS be accepted in the out of catchment school where all his friends were able to go.

I only had a week to mentally prepare for my surgery, and they would have taken me the next day if I had been through pre-op. It was a very stressful time, and if I could do it over I would have liked more notice to have had more support systems in place.

I guess I'm like Marilyn (Moonchime), I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately as I will be 1 year post op the end of next week. No regrets for the surgery, and I'm just so fortunate and grateful that it was only endo, and no cancer.

Take care, hope everyone is keeping well. Hugs to Kim who is recovering today, and to Sistersong who is having surgery today, and to all the other sisters who are recovering, coping with pain, and dealing with life's stresses.

s

It had been a tough week around here. My DD attended a funeral for a close friend's father, and it was terribly sad, as he was only about 51. I have been very proud of my daughter, as she and some other kids have been a wonderful support to her friend. Other things have been very draining as well, so I hope this will be a better week ahead.

I was quite drained by the time Friday rolled around. I rented a couple of movies for DH and I to watch over the weekend, both Tom Hanks in "Ladykillers" (very dark humour, I was tense the whole time), and we rented an old movie from 1984, with Harrison Ford, called "Witness". I have this "thing" for Viggo Mortensen, and my DH is very understanding with me, and indulges this teenage infatuation thing I have for Viggo.

Today was lovely. It was very cold, but perfect for a drive to wine country about 3/4 of an hour away from our home. Niagara has a huge Ice Wine Festival at this time each year. We thought it might be fun to give it a try, as we had never had any ice wine before, and some of the local wineries have won international awards and are sold all around the world.

It was quite cool, both literally and figuratively. We got there early to get a parking spot, and were able to have a lovely lunch in a cute little restaurant that Kim (Dylli) would have loved. It was painted in a beautiful reddish faux finish, and they were playing lots of "different" music in there too (Louis Armstrong was on when we first arrived). The food was wonderful, I had a delicious beef and pork tortiere (pie) with a carrot, raisin, and curry vinaigrette salad on the side. It was SO good (can you tell I don't get out very often ).

After lunch, we went out to the ice bar, and you could sample small glasses of the local ice wines for $5.00 each. There was an artist there making ice sculptures, and a talented violinist/fiddler playing some east coast fiddle music at the same time. We also went in and out of the little antique shops, and gift shops while we sipped the glasses of wine.

Cheryl asked me to keep track of the kinds of wines we tried. I'm far from being a connoisseur, but I did my best to keep track. We sampled something called "Ancient Coast '99 Vidal" which was a really nice ice wine, also a sparkling ice wine from Inniskillin (not as big a fan of the sparkling ice wine).

The one I really loved was a Cilento 2002 Cabernet Sauvignon Icewine VQA, and of course this was the most expensive at $55.00 a bottle. We also tried one called Reisling Ice, from Cave Spring Cellars in Jordan Ontario. It was delicious as well, and cost about the same.

The one we took home was a '98 Vidal Icewine from Creekside. We're going to try to save that one for Valentine's Day, as it was still $45.00 a bottle, so we consider it to be a treat for a special occasion.

It was a nice break after a pretty tough week. Oh, and I downloaded another couple of pictures from today.

Hope everyone is keeping as well as possible, and life is being kind with them.

Gosh, am I the stereotypic woman? As soon as my DS's bags were packed, and ready by the door for DH to drive him to school, I definitely got the old tears in the eyes again.

I was trying to pinpoint exactly why I felt so upset with him. I guess at least part of it was the lack of structure to his day. He was rising later and later each day, until it was noon, but there was also the sense that I don't want him to get tied down too young.

He only JUST turned 20, and in my mind has a lot of living to do before he settles down. I was 27 when I married, and still felt I had some unfinished business, or things I wanted to do before getting tied down. He spends so much time with his girlfriend when he is home, and not so much time with us, or other male friends.

So now I miss him, *Sigh*.

______ _______ ________ _______ _______ ________ ______


DD has a friend who lost her father to cancer this weekend. It's always so sad when someone loses a parent when they are still so young. She's only 17, and was closest to her Dad. She has lived with her Dad and step-Mom since her parent's divorced, as she's not too close to her Mom.

Now she's trying to get into University, and I hope she manages alright. The kids have been a big support to her, I think. My DD and her friends will be going to the funeral this week, I hesitated about going as I had never met her Dad, and her step Mom only once, when dropping DD's friend off at her home.

_____ _______ ________ ________ _________ _______ _____


I've definitely been suffering with mental fatigue, I'm turning 50 next fall, and sometimes it feels like I'm too old to do the "Mom" thing. I have to fight that feeling, but it gets more and more difficult to be enthusiastic at motivating my kids to do their school work. Oh well, two should be managing on their own, just have to do the occasional nagging of my 12 year old DS.

____ ______ ________ _______ ______ _________ ________


DH and I went out on our own this weekend to see "Finding Neverland". We really enjoyed it, Johnny Depp and Kate Winslett starred in the leading roles, and we had heard that they might be nominated for an Academy Award for their roles in that movie.

I'm hoping DH and I can go to an "Ice Wine" festival near us next weekend (if DH doesn't have to work overtime, which is a definite possibility). We live close to the Niagara grape growing region, and it is one of the top producing areas of ice wines in the world.

It would be so much fun to go, they're going to have an Ice bar, and you can sample different ice wines. We'd have to watch though that DH doesn't have too much, as we have to drive back the same evening, so it could only be a couple of small samples.

I'm dying to do more things with just DH, I've really noticed that change in my mood this year.

Take care, hope everyone else had a healthy and relaxing weekend.

Gosh, I love that store. I don't know what it is about that place, but often when I've had enough of my family (not too often, thankfully ), I find myself running off to IKEA.

I'm not too sure how well it is known outside of Canada and Europe, but it's a wonderful Swedish furniture and accessory store. The products are all moderately priced, and you often assemble them yourself. I think the store might have been on "The Amazing Race" recently, when the teams were in Sweden.

Everything is very colourful, and there's just that look that's a little bit different, that tells you the items are from Europe.

I'm ticked off with my 20 year old, he can't go back to school soon enough for me unfortunately (he goes back on Sunday). I don't like how much time he and his girlfriend spend together, and they're not even doing anything productive like hiking, skiing, skating, or even going to movies. Just lounging around watching TV, and coming and going as they please without any consideration for anyone else.

I think I've finally gotten my DH on my side, so that should help.

I found myself venting to a complete stranger in IKEA, and she asked how old my DS was. She just laughed, and told me "been there, done that". Gosh, I just wanted to give this woman a BIG hug. Just want to know other people have had teenagers that have been inconsiderate, and lived to tell the tale.

I came away with a few storage baskets, to try to get papers and magazines in order in my family room. Plus a new light for youngest DS's room.

Funny how one place can just pick your spirits up. In the summer, I also go down to the lake for a walk ( Lake Ontario is quite close by). It's kind of cold walking down by the lake this time of year, and I don't always feel safe walking alone there. There have been one or two incidents over the years, I find it sad I don't feel safe walking alone in the daytime anymore.

Hope everyone else is keeping as well as possible, there are a lot of viruses going around right now.

I've finally managed to post a couple of photos from Christmas, one of DH and myself, the other of DS and myself. Thanks to Mei, Tam and Cheryl for your suggestions.

I'm not sure what we're doing wrong, as my pictures took up a lot of space, and don't enlarge very well.

Maybe we can figure this out on the weekend. I rely on my DH and DD to help me, and they couldn't figure out what to do to get the pictures the right size.

Hope everyone here is feeling better, there's a lot of illness going around right now.

s

Okay,

Now I must be the only one here who can't figure out how to upload photos. When I look for the upload photos link, the only one I can see tells you how to become a Crown Jewel. I don't know whether or not I've disabled something in my control panel, so I don't see an Upload link in the Photos section.:confuse:

Can anyone tell me what I should do? Thanks.

s, Anne

I would like to wish my sisters a very Happy New Year, and hope that 2005 will bring improved health, and wonderful things to everyone.

We've had a busy week visiting with family and friends, and I haven't been able to keep up with journals the way I would like to.

I have some general reflections, and improvements I would like to make in my life in the New Year. I've just been thinking I should practice what I preach to my kids, and try new things in the New Year. For too long, I've worried what other people will think, and worried about putting others first. I need to take a bit more time for myself, and things I enjoy.

I like so much of the Buddhist philosophies, and think it could bring a lot more joy to life if I am able to follow them. I believe that so many of life's pleasures are simple ones, and we should look for joy in all the little pleasures in life.

I went for a walk with my DH and DS on Christmas Eve. It was a beautiful but cold, snowy night, lit up by a beautiful full moon. We got so much joy out of that moonlit walk together. I will have to resolve to do more things like that with the people I love.

I've also found this year that some people are hard on my spirit, and I feel worn out after spending time with them. I'm resolving to find more of the up-lifting variety, and looking for new ways to be around them (my sisters here fall into the up-lifting variety ).

So I'm going to try to look for the simple pleasures in life, and to spend more time around joyous people.

Hope everyone celebrates a very Happy and healthy New Year, and that 2005 will be a good one for all mankind.

with love, and many s, Anne

I just wanted to thank you for your support for my last post. I have been feeling mostly very upbeat this Christmas, but was feeling a little down yesterday.

My aunts and uncles in England keep reminding me that they are getting older, and it brings a sense of urgency to their loving Christmas card greetings.

I wanted to wish all my very dear sisters here a very Happy Christmas. I know for some it is so difficult, but hope there is some joy for everyone.

Here is something to make you smile - it did me. I had 3 men in my family helping me in the kitchen this morning with my Christmas baking! We had a huge winter storm here, so my DH used one of his vacation days rather than drive through the snow and ice.
I put him, DS 12, and DS 20 to work in my kitchen making shortbread cookies and iced sugar cookies. I told them if they like the variety, then they can help . DD is ill with the cold I had last week, so she is off the hook for the moment.

Hope everyone is keeping well, and can enjoy Christmas in whatever fashion makes YOU happy.

with love and best wishes for Christmas and the New Year,

Anne

Every year I get a little sad around Christmas time. It's the combination of expectation overload, missing family members who can no longer be with us (my Mom and Dad), and then there are the annual Christmas cards from family in England.

Every year I get cards from Aunts and Uncles, and cousins in England - my Dad's family, asking if this will be the year I come to see them in England. One Aunt will be celebrating her 50th Anniversary with my Uncle in March, and she commented how lovely it would be if I could come.

It makes me quite sad, I would love to go as I haven't seen them for over 23 years, not since I've been married (haven't been on a plane since we've married as it hasn't been affordable for us all to fly ).

I've been quite lucky in my life, and have been to England a couple of times to visit with them, and they came here before I was married. I have so little family left, and they are my only surviving relatives on my Dad's side of the family. They just remind me so much of my Dad.

It's just one of those things that manages to make me blue at Christmas. I'm sure so many of us would love to visit with family who live so far from us.

Still nursing a head cold, and had some severe head aches this week, so I haven't been reading journals as often as I would have liked.

My twenty year old DS is coming home from college today for the holidays - it will be so wonderful to have him home. He is the real extrovert in the family, and we really miss him when he is away.

I've been finding I still get really tired trying to keep up with all the Christmas preparations. I used to be able to get the boxes of decorations up, and the kids would put everything out for me- everything wasn't always where I wanted it, but everything made it out somehow. This year, I seem to be doing it all myself - not cool for teens and pre-teens to put out the corny ornaments I suppose.

I even had to finish the second tree in the rec room. Usually the kids like to do that one, and they have free artistic licence to do it however they please. I do the tree in the family room, as we have a few heirloom decorations that are very fragile. I'm embarassed to say that I end up moving everything if the kids try to decorate that one. Not usually so anal, but no one's perfect I guess.

I got really tired yesterday, hauling big boxes around in the basement. After about 4 hours of this kind of activity, I STILL find I have to take a break. No way do I feel fully recovered from surgery yet, I still have these severe bouts of fatigue after doing a lot of heavy lifting or activity.

I feel kind of embarassed, because my DS's girlfriend's Mom (if you can follow that ) had a liver transplant in May. As an aside, we are so happy that a donor organ became available, she had been close to death waiting for a transplant. His girlfriend keeps telling me how well her Mom is doing (which I am SO happy to hear), but she makes me feel kind of guilty because it sounds as though her Mom has LOTS of energy, and I'm still struggling 10 and a half months after my surgery.

I've been so grateful this year as it's been a very quiet year, no parties this year ( I prefer smaller, intimate gatherings), and only a few get togethers with family and friends. Just my speed this year anyway. Maybe next year I'll feel like a party animal.

Hope everyone is keeping well, and not letting the holiday expectations wear them down.

s

Yesterday we got our Christmas tree set up, and the decorations have started to come out in full force in my home.

Every year I beg my DH to restrain me when I see some new shiny Christmas decoration that I just have to have. This year, it was a new string of Christmas lights that look like deer (from the Bass Pro Shop ). My DS HATES them, but I think they're cute, and we have to give one a red nose and call him Rudolph.

The other familiar, traditional ornaments were coming out yesterday too. I got hooked on the Christmas ornament thing, by being influenced by my Mom. She LOVED to decorate for Christmas, and would constantly be buying things all year round. She was also very talented at folk art painting, and I am lucky enough to have many lovely things she's made all around my home.

Yesterday, 12 year old DS started pulling the boxes out. He asked me "Mom, how come so many of these little boxes say To A. from Momma with love, 1998 on them?". I had to explain, that that was the last year we were lucky enough to have her and my Dad to celebrate Christmas with us, and she knew she wouldn't be around another year.

She had bought more than the usual share of decorations for the kids to remember her by. The tears welled up in my eyes again, five years after losing them. No, the pain never really does go away.

So it is with some joy, and some bittersweet memories that we pull these beloved decorations out each year, and remember my parents who loved Christmas so much. They blessed us with so many good memories, not of perfect times, but of people who truly loved us so much.

For those of you with family, cherish your special Christmas/ holiday memories. None of our families are perfect, but they all do love us, of that I am certain.

with s, Anne

I haven’t been on as much recently, very busy with Christmas preparations and shopping. I get to relax a little bit more than normal as the big dinner is not here this year, but I have been getting lots of headaches this week. I don’t think these bi-focals really do the trick for me, and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing. My eyes are getting quite bad, and I’ve been told I’m not a candidate for Lasik eye surgery.

My DH had taken Tuesday off to go to a new mall north of Toronto with me (he's been working 6 days out of 7, so we haven't had time to go on the weekends). I’m nervous of the drive, as there is SO much traffic, large trucks, and the driving conditions were pretty bad - fog and freezing rain. We were exhausted just from the stress of the drive.

The new mall is an American concept mall, I think it originated in Missouri – with a “Bass Pro Shop” at one end of the mall, and it has a “Nascar” race track in it as well. Quite the hoot, very different to many of the malls we have here. I went looking for “Peterson Field Guides” in the Bass Pro Shop, and found ways to hunt deer instead.
Yikes!!! I’m not a hunter, and don’t mean to offend anyone who is, what a different store! They had a shooting range in it, that you can fire at coffee pots on the Coleman stove in an area made to look like a spot in the woods. There was also a “Johnny Rocket’s” Diner in the mall. It was so cute and retro (out of the 50’s), and the waiters there all broke out into song and dance (to the tune of “Staying Alive”) halfway through our lunch. It was so much fun – we’ll definitely have to go there again.


We got the things we were looking for, and found a couple of frivolous things for the kids. Usually, we get them clothes, along with a couple of CD’s/ DVD’s, and books. My DS has been wanting his favourite hockey player’s autograph for the longest time, and we found it in this mall. He’s going to be SO thrilled.

Today, I’m waiting to hear back from my Dr. She had told me to just leave messages on her machine and she would call back, so I’ll see if that works. I’ve been having serious problems with constipation, and I don’t know if that’s related to the endo. My surgeon said it was wrapped all around my bowels, so I’ll ask her if she thinks that could be the problem.

Just one other thing to add. I heard this wonderful 90 year old lady on the radio yesterday. She’s going into next years Guinness Book of records. She was waterskiing this year at the age of 90! She learned how to do it when she was 45, and started skiing with just one ski at 48. She loves it, and plans to go again next summer. Her doctor just recommended she wear a wetsuit when she goes to help keep her warm, and to help her back. She also just learned to rollerblade at the age of 85. So now when I think I’m too old to try something new, I’m going to have to remember Edna. I guess age alone shouldn’t be a barrier to trying a new activity. If we’re well enough, it’s a good idea for our spirits to try something completely new and different.

Hope everyone is keeping as well as possible,

s,

I just wanted to remember the 14 young women who were killed in a mass shooting in Montreal, fifteen years ago today.

A 25 year old man went into the Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal, and started shooting 14 young female engineering students. He then took his own life.

He had said that feminists had given him nothing but trouble the last 7 years of his life, and for this reason, he hated feminists. He didn't know any of these women, but because they were lady engineering students, that was enough to make them a target.

I would like to pay tribute to their memory, and pray that such a thing NEVER happens again.

These young women's names are,
Helene Colgan,
Nathalie Croteau,
Maryse Leclair,
Annie St. Arneault, all 23 years old
Anne-Marie Edward,
Michelle Richard,
Annie Turcotte, all 21,
Barbara Daigneault
Anne-Marie Lemay both 22,
Maryse Laganiere, 25
Sonia Pelletier, 28
Maud Haviernick, 29
and Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31

May they not have died in vain, and I pray that something good comes out of this terrible tragedy.

I had saved an article from our local paper titled "Men Get PMS-ish Too". The headline just really grabbed my eye.

The original article appeared in the New York Times, and it was written by Mark Schwed, if you want to find the original. It appeared in our paper sometime this November.

Mr. Schwed was reporting on a new book out by author Jed Diamond. He is a psychotherapist from California, who has written one book called_Male Menopause_. His latest book is titled_The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of Male Depression and Aggression_. I think it is published by Rodale.

According to the author of the book, if you're a guy between puberty and senility, there's a 30% chance you're already feeling the affects of IMS. The term was coined by researcher Dr. Gerald Lincoln from Edinburgh, Scotland (from the Center for Reproductive Biology). He studied herds of rams, and noticed they became nervous, irritable, and restless when their testosterone levels were reduced. Other studies have shown parallels in humans.

Dr. Diamond says it's not just hormones, but biochemical changes and loss of male identity that can bring on this condition in humans.

Serious cases of IMS can lead to verbal abuse, physical violence, depression, and sometimes suicide. It says that some men can act out their pain, and become angry, blame and shame the people around them. The men can become angry with people around them, and withdraw. They may become hostile, demanding, frustrated and disconnected. They can think you're picking on them.

It says that diet can help, and proper rest and exercise. Cut back on alcohol, caffeine and sweets. Dr. Diamond recommends a diet high in complex carbohydrates like potatoes, grains, vegetables, and fruits.

Just thought this might help, I know so many of us are dealing with irritable males. I noticed this article was at my DH's spot at the kitchen table when I went looking for it this morning.

He has suffered from this too, and was really distant and moody after my parents passed away ( I lost the 2 of them within a month of each other). The first birthday after they died was VERY difficult for me, and my DH was completely thoughtless and distant after they died. I felt so terribly alone and depressed.
He still has bouts of being distant and moody, so I think I'm going to buy this book myself.

Hope it helps someone, and that everyone has a good day today.

s

It's been another busy weekend, I imagine everyone is in the same boat this time of year.

My DS is home for the weekend, to Christmas shop and to celebrate his birthday. Poor kid has his birthday two weeks before Christmas, and he's usually studying for and writing exams at that time.

I asked him about his pant size, as he sent me on a wild goose chase looking for pants on Friday. He said "oh yeah, I probably meant to write down waist size 32" and inseam 32" as well".

He went out to do his own shopping, and my poor old car broke down on him this time. It also broke down on me 6 weeks after my surgery, and my DH was out of town at that point. I remember being relieved that I was able to just coax it into my driveway before it finally succumbed to it's "injuries". Just a warning for other new "princesses" out there, make sure your car's in very good condition before you drive again, especially if your DH is going to be away.

We've had a few back injuries here this weekend as well. Yesterday, my DS got a phone call from his girlfriend calling him in a panic as her Dad had fallen off a ladder putting up their Christmas lights. He went to hospital as a precaution, but fortunately, he's going to be fine, no serious or permanent injuries. My DS just took off the minute his girlfriend called, and we haven't seen much of him this weekend at all.

We went and got our Christmas trees this morning, but won't put them up for another couple of weeks. We were able to buy two, as they were only $17.50 each. I guess they're quite cheap up here, and I have so many decorations to put on them that my Mom has bought for us over the years. Only trouble is, my DH put his back out loading and un-loading the trees off the van. Usually, I'm the one with the back problems, so I really rely on this poor guy.

I also wanted to wish Mei (cow32323) a very happy birthday for tomorrow (the 29th of November). I think it's already the 29th in Singapore. Hope you have a great birthday Mei, and that you get that new keyboard that you've been wishing for.

Hope everyone's had a healthy and safe holiday weekend,

s for everyone,

I was just out Christmas shopping at the mall, wandering around for 3 hours looking for clothes for teenagers (probably wasting my time, they'll probably all go back!!). My 20 year old wrote his own list of what he wanted, including a pair of pants with a size 42 waist, and 40 inch inseam. Even the teenage sales people thought that was quite a deranged size. I showed them what my DS had written, and then they asked me if my son was "big". I said no, normal, just confused like most men, I guess.

I was also looking for things for my youngest. I was crouching down on the floor of a hobby store, to see something way down low. I lost my balance, and almost fell over trying to stand back up. This young salesman was looking at me wondering what the heck was the matter with me, as I was looking for something to push off of, to get back up. I never thought it would take this long to get my abdominal muscles back in shape.

It will be 10 months from my surgery this weekend, and sometimes I still find I get tired, and dizzy after 3 hours of shopping. A good friend of mine told me to take some orange juice if I start feeling that way. I just had some blood work done, so there's nothing wrong with my haemoglobin levels, or my blood sugar count.

Think I'll stay away from the malls this weekend, I shouldn't have to go out then.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, and enjoyed their Thanksgiving with their loved ones and friends.

s

It was nice to have DH home this weekend, there is so much to do this time of year.

DD 17, was off to her senior prom on Friday night. This is her last year of high school, and then we’ll be putting 2 kids through College (we hope!). DD is a little bit of a tomboy, not unlike her Mom. It’s tough to get her to dress up for anything.

She’s happiest wearing her old jeans, and her Beatles T-shirts. For Christmas, she’s ordered one from the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. She’s a bit of an Arts geek. So that was fun sending her off to the Senior Prom with her hair all beautifully curled. She looked so lovely, it was quite a treat to see her all dressed up.

DS was off to his hockey game as the goalie. He got another shut out on Friday, and his team is doing well, thanks to the wonderful young coaches they have this year. He’s just in a league for fun, so it’s more relaxing for me to watch.

Off to a family party on Saturday. Two nephews, and my DD are celebrating their birthdays. L. had just turned 17 this week, she’s growing up so fast. The party was great, 2 young nephews who are just sweethearts, it’s so much fun to be around some little ones again.

A discussion about Christmas came up, and my siblings had already decided they wanted to change the shopping arrangements this year. Would have been fine, except I had already started buying the gifts!
My siblings and their families are the only family we have left. Just my two brothers, my sister, and their kids. All our parents are gone, and DH’s sister is living in British Columbia. We never see her.

I enjoy buying for my nieces and nephews, but they decided to draw names and include the adults this time. The spending limit is only $25, which doesn’t go very far (especially in Canadian dollars!)
Since this is the only gift that my kids will get apart from our own little family, I asked if in lieu of DH and I getting gifts, the difference go to my kids. My sister is upset with me about this, but her kids will be getting gifts from other grandparents, and aunts and uncles, plus being a second marriage, there will likely be gifts from “new” relatives as well( She just re-married in September). Oh well, ‘tis the season to be jolly.

Sunday was great, there was a great book sale at our local national chain, so we were able to buy a few Christmas gifts.

DH put up the Christmas lights, little clear lights strung up with a cedar garland. I tend to splurge a little at Christmas, I love the natural greenery. Next will come the wreath on the door, and the red bows at intervals along the garland. Now all we need is some snow to make it look really festive.
We’ll probably buy the Christmas tree in the next week or two, but don’t put it up ‘til 2 weeks before Christmas, or it won’t last.

I had to call DH in to watch the Grey Cup, the equivalent of the Super Bowl here in Canada. It’s the end of the season for the CFL, as it gets pretty frosty sitting outside in the bleachers this time of year. My hometown team won , so that was fun. Usually, I’m not a huge football fan, but there’s no hockey this year, so we need someone else to cheer for.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend, I know our American neighbours are extra busy preparing for Thanksgiving. I’m a little relieved ours is in October, I don’t think I could handle the pressure!

s

Yesterday was my day to visit the Dr. and the Dentist, unfortunately it just happened to work out that way.

I had wanted to discuss my ultrasound results with my Dr., as her office staff has a way of being “too efficient” and not letting me get through sometimes. I’ve been very lucky with my G.P., she’s about the same age as me, and her family is about the same age as mine. We’ve always had a good rapport.

I asked her about the results from my ultrasound, which had been done near the beginning of October. I had been wondering if there was a cyst on my ovary, as that is the way my endometriosis had finally become evident last year, in the form of a large chocolate cyst (I had been having pain, but no one could find anything). I have been having intermittent pain where my right ovary still sits. There has been from mild to some severe pain after my DH and I make love as well.

She told me that nothing showed up on the ultrasound, and that maybe it is still just part of the healing process. The pain has been diminishing, so I’m hoping she‘s right.
She was appalled at the way I had been treated over the phone by the receptionists. She told me I always have the right to ask for the results, and of course she understands my concerns. At the time, they had also booked my DS’s specialists appointment the wrong month too, March instead of May, as my Dr. had requested for him (he’s away at school). She told me, in future, just to call the night answering machine, saying that she had asked me to call for the results, and she would call me herself. Good to know this kind of thing for next time.

She did book a colonoscopy for me for early next year. It’s been 5 years since I last had one, and she’s concerned as both my parents died of digestive tract cancers. Unfortunately, I have what’s called a redundant colon, which basically means there is a loop in my colon shaped like an “e”, and they can only get the exploratory rod up so far. It hurt like *!$! last time, so I hope they have something new they can do.

I’m off to chat with an aquaintance today, who is scheduled to have a hysterectomy in the New Year. She has suffered with breast cancer too, so I’m reluctant to give too much advice, in case it’s the wrong kind. One of the first pieces of info I gave her, was a link to "Hyster-Sisters". There seems to be people here with all kinds of different medical histories, so I'm sure she'll find someone to help her who has experienced the same things that she has.

I also might check out a device today that is supposed to help with seasonal affective disorder. It is sold in some of our local pharmacies, and is really a small light that can sit beside you while you’re on the computer, reading, or sitting watching TV. The days here are very short now, and so many of the days are overcast and gloomy. My kids leave the house in the dark at 7:10 am to catch the bus, and the sun sets before 5:00 pm. I really think I need something to help me, as I have all the symptoms of this disorder. Just no energy, no get up and go. I’ll have to go and check out the price.

An update, I checked out the price of that thing and it's $300.00 Canadian. Guess I'll just have to sit out in the cold weather in my lawn chair this winter, and see how many rays I can catch.

Hope everyone has a good day today.
s

For anyone who might be interested, I found a local site which has pictures of the Northern Lights as they appeared here in Southern Ontario about a week ago ( My DH's photos didn't turn out too well ). The first picture most resembles how we saw them from the field behind our home.

It is very unusual to be able to see them so well so close to the city, and at this latitude. They were quite beautiful, and I hope you all have the chance to see them at some point in your lifetime.

http://amateurastronomy.org/Picts/bo...a20041107c.jpg

http://amateurastronomy.org/Picts/bo...a20041107e.jpg

http://amateurastronomy.org/Picts/bo...a20041107a.jpg

I think I've finally figured out how to make a clickable link.

s, Anne

I just wanted to wish Moonchime (Marilyn) a very happy birthday. I understand that she is having computer problems, and having trouble reading her PM and her e-mails, so I thought I would let her know that I am thinking of her on her special day. Marilyn has brought so much warmth and joy to this site, and I have really appreciated her thoughtfulness and her kindness which is evident in everything she writes. I have felt blessed by her kind words, and they have truly boosted my spirits on so many occasions. We are very lucky to have you here, Marilyn.

I'm not a wonderful writer as so many of you, and I don't have a huge source of quotes at my fingertips, but I did like these thoughts from our First Nations People.


When a man does a piece of work which is admired by all we say that it is wonderful; but when we see the changes of day and night, the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky, and the changing seasons upon the earth, with their ripening fruits, anyone must realize that it is the work of someone more powerful than man. ---Chased-by-Bears (1843-1915) Santee-Yanktonai Sioux


Everything on the earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it, and every person a mission. This is the First Nations Peoples’ theory of existence. ---Mourning Dove [Christine Quintasket] (1888-1936) Salish


I hope that Marilyn, and all my Sisters here have a wonderful day!

with much love, and many s, Anne

My DH’s been working a lot of overtime lately, he worked 6 out of 7 days last week, and some of the days were 12 hour plus days. He wanted to make my birthday this year really nice for me, as my birthday last year was really depressing for reasons that he was not responsible for.

We rented a beautiful movie on Saturday night, called “The Blue Butterfly” starring William Hurt. It’s a little Canadian film based on a true story of a little boy who was suffering from brain cancer, and all he wanted to to before he died was to go to Central America to catch a Blue Morpho butterfly. His mother gets in touch with the scientist responsible for the new “Butterfly Conservatory” in Montreal, and convinces him to go with her and her son to hunt for one of these butterflies. It’s a beautiful story. I just loved it.

On Sunday, my DH took my youngest 2 kids and myself to Toronto, first to place a wreath on my parent’s grave, as this is the earliest you are allowed to place one. We had also brought along a piece of pink granite from their cottage to leave on their grave marker (Moonchime had mentioned about this tradition in an earlier post). My DS A., had laid the stone on their marker around 11:00 am that morning. We said a little prayer, and went on our way to the museum in Toronto to see a special exhibit on pearls.

It was beautiful, and included in the collection was a string of pearls that Joe Dimaggio had given to Marilyn Monroe on their honeymoon. It was quite poignant to see them, especially after reading Jody's entry that she had suffered with endo for years before her tragic death. There was also a pearl necklace that had been worn by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, and a necklace worn by Barbara Bush at George Bush’s inauguration.
We also managed to find a Blue Morpho butterfly like the one we had seen in the movie the previous night.

After doing a bit of shopping, we went home, and I came home to find that I had gotten some e-mail alerts from an astronomical website telling me that there was a pretty good chance of seeing Northern Lights that night, as a solar flare had erupted from the surface of the sun around 11:00 am Eastern Time that same morning.

We went out behind our house, and we saw the most beautiful display of Northern Lights I have ever seen in my entire life. It isn’t always easy to see them at this latitude, and so close to the city. Yet there they were, forming beautiful green veils of curtains all over the beautiful night sky. They mean so much to me, as my Mom would always look for them when we were at the cottage with my Mom and Dad. It felt as though she was giving me the most wonderful birthday gift ever. It is strange, because the solar flare would have occurred about the same time my DS was placing the rock from their cottage at their grave.
I like to think that this was a gift that they were sending me, a gift of communication and love across the spiritual divide. It is an Innu belief, that this is the way that the ancestors speak to their loved ones on earth. This was just the most wonderful thing I could have had to celebrate my birthday, alongside my beloved family.

I wanted to add in a link of a photo that was taken in our town the night of the Aurora. My DH's photos didn't turn out so well.

http://amateurastronomy.org/Picts/bo...a20041107c.jpg

Marilyn, thank you so much for your lovely comments. I hope that you are blessed with a very special birthday as well. You truly deserve to have a wonderful day.

s, Anne

Just a quick post today. I made an appointment to go see my Dr. regarding the ultrasound, but it will be in about 2 weeks. I didn't get the usual secretary, so I was able to get the appointment in without too many questions. I am really sad that I have to feel this way about making an appointment, but the Dr.'s here really do seem to be run off their feet, and you do feel you need a good reason to be seen.

I also went and got a flu shot today. I stood in line for about an hour and a half with lots of seniors, not as many middle-aged people like myself. I just feel as though I lost so much time this year already with the surgery, I don't want to lose any time this winter with the flu. I really enjoy getting out in the snow for walks in the winter, and I really wasn't able to do that very often last year.

I'm kind of tired today. Like Floppsy, I was out raking leaves in my back yard this weekend, and must have filled 6 or 7 bags full. Usually, I love to be outside and doing yardwork, as I have fond memories of raking leaves with my parents, and my grandma. I still enjoyed it, as it was a warmer day yesterday, but just found all I could do was lay on the couch when I was done.

Usually, I am the one who loves to answer the door when the kids come for the treats at Hallowe'en. This year, DH got to do it as I was exhausted!!! My DS came home with a huge bag of candy. I was so glad, as he had a wonderful time being out with his friends from school. My dear friend invited him over to their neighbourhood, so he could "trick or treat" with his best friend. I told him to enjoy it while he could because he can only go out for another year or so.

Hope everyone else had a wonderful Hallowe'en and a restful weekend.

s

I just had a lovely, leisurely breakfast out with friends, and went to a small family owned restaurant in our little town. The lady who was waitressing there, was joking about having hot flashes. We started talking and just found out that we had both had hysterectomies. She asked when mine was (9 months ago), and she said to me (the sweetie!) "Don't you find you're still tired? It took me 18 months to feel back to normal". She also added that's what her Dr. told her was normal for this surgery. I could have given her this huge , because she said this in front of my best friend, who as good as she is, doesn't always understand what this surgery takes out of you . I had tears welling up in my eyes, because I thought "YES, someone who understands!". I don't meet too many people that would admit to human frailties these days. What a huge relief!!!!!!

And thank you to all of you for your responses yesterday, I WILL call my Dr.'s office first thing Monday morning to make a follow up appointment. I find that they are in a better mood on Mondays, or they'll just be so busy, they'll forget it's me calling again.

Thank you all so much.

s

I don't know what to do, and I'm caught between two different opinions.

Two weeks ago, I had an ultrasound. My Dr. was trying to locate the source of some pain I have been having in my lower right abdominal area, near where my remaining ovary should be.
I guess she was looking for a cyst on my ovary, which is how they discovered the endometriosis last time. I know there are other tests for endo, but I guess this is what she thought was the best thing to do.

The lab technician will never tell you if they see anything, and she told me that your Dr.'s office will call you early next week with the results. Well, they never did.

I gave the office a full week to call me, and finally called them this past Monday. The receptionist there told me, if we haven't called you, there is nothing wrong. She just brushed me off, and wanted to get me off the phone. Now they messed up with my son's specialist appointment, making it for March when I asked for May, so I know that they can make mistakes. I my Dr., but you have to get by these cranky receptionists to get to talk to her.

My DH just wants me to make another appointment to go in, and my good friend said to just ask them to make sure they looked at your results. I am so tired of being "blown off" by the office staff. I know there is a Dr. shortage, but mistakes can be made (my parents were afraid to ask for a second opinion and suffered for it). Just trying to figure out the right thing to do.

They are SO cranky in there!!!!

I just realized too, that I am 9 months post op today, and apart from this occasional pain and fatigue, have made a good recovery.

Any opinions, do I ask to go in to see my Dr., or just insist that they check the results of the ultrasound? Thanks, I do love you gals very much!!!

s,

My mind is a mess right now. I loved what icare4bunnies wrote yesterday. She helped me at a season when I seem to have the most trouble. I don’t know whether or not I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, but I always seem to have a rough time in the Fall.
This year has been particularly difficult, as it has been very cold, rainy, windy and dark here for at least the last two weeks, if not longer. Usually, October is a lovely month here in southern Ontario. This whole year has been blah as far as the weather goes….

I’m having trouble keeping my family organized. Twelve year old DS keeps losing things, coats, new gym clothes for school, and tearing holes in the knees of his pants!!! DH and I actually took him shopping this weekend, and made him try pair after pair of pants on, and then made him pay for one of the pairs of pants. Everything is wearing me down.

I’m having a bit of a mid-life crisis too. I know I’ve mentioned this before, so forgive me if this is a little repetitious. I’ve been home for 20 years, raising kids, and then volunteering at their local school. This year marks the first year that I haven’t been needed/wanted in that capacity. I know I should be looking for a job, or something, but it hasn’t been easy as my DH works odd hours sometimes, and I need to be there to drive my kids to after school jobs (pick up around 2:30), or for after school activities. DH doesn't want to move closer to the school, because he might get a job transfer in 2 years (they might be closing his workplace). No public transit where we live for the kids, so I’m stuck.

Lately, I’ve been putting up with comments from people that I know, like, “When are you going to get a job”, or “What are you doing with yourself?”. :burning: Grrrrr….I could be asking them personal questions too, but don’t want to be hurtful.

I’m also tired of explaining that I still don’t have the energy back that I did before surgery, and that sometimes after a long day of physical exertion, I REALLY am in pain at the end of the long day. People keep saying things like “I thought you’d be all better by now”. I find in my dark moments, wishing that they would have to have this surgery too. How rotten is that?

I don’t know whether anyone else feels this way, but I feel that I look at people now as them and me. I really only know one other acquaintance in my area that has had this surgery. No one will admit to it anyway.

I’m thinking of going to classes on Buddhism, just to try to find that inner peace that we’ve all been talking about. It has some good ideas, like you can’t change what other people say to you, but you can change your attitude towards what they say. I am a Christian, but thought I’d look for an additional outlook on how to maintain that inner calm when people say hurtful things.

My Dad studied many religions, and went to India, Burma and Nepal where he served during the second World War. It affected him deeply to see the poverty there, and then how much we had back in the West.
He was a regular church goer, and helped with projects like “Habitat for Humanity”, helping to build new homes for people in the Dominican Republic (along with other people from his church). The day that he died in hospital, he was trying to comfort other people in his palliative care room, people of other religions. He was able to reach out, because he knew something about their beliefs. He was such a good man, not perfect, but a good man.

Guess I’d kind of like to be like him when I grow up.

First of all, I wanted to thank you so much, for the supportive messages regarding my 12 year old son. The loving support from Dee, Moonchime, Emily, Kim, Dany, Cheryl, Jeanette, and Floppsy, brought tears to my eyes. I really needed to hear all the words of encouragement you shared. Thank you all.

Also to Tam, Jody, Kim, Emily, Moonchime, Dany and Floppsy regarding my concerns about my ultrasound. I guess that they were looking for more cysts on my other ovary which is how they knew that something was wrong last time (it was the result of endo). I am still on a steep learning curve with regards to endo, and I truly appreciate your advice, and loving support.


Anyway, I had a really strange dream last night, and I wondered if anyone had any insight into this type of dream, or if anyone has had a similar dream.


I was dreaming that my whole family ( DH, and 3 children and myself ) were staying in a motel room together, as we have in the past. For some reason, my brother was going to drop something by for us at the room. We fell asleep before anyone could drop by, and didn't hear anything.
When I awoke (in my dream), an envelope had been pushed under the door, and I KNEW that this was from my parents (who I thought were deceased in my dream as well). I flew out the door to look for them, because I miss them so much, and hoped to find them.
I did find them outside the motel somewhere. My Mom was there, but she was knitting while my Dad spoke to me. He said, "We knocked, but you didn't hear us. We're on our way now, to see your Aunt in hospital and to get something for your Uncle ".


At that point, I was woken up by something crashing to the floor in my house. I shook my DH and told him something had fallen, and would he go and look for me, as I was shaking...

A copper-enamelled picture of a bird, that my parents had given us just before our wedding, had crashed to the floor in our adjoining bathroom. But it landed face up, without a scratch on it, about 4 feet away between the toilet and the tub. It didn't land in the near corner, it is as if it had skipped across the toilet to get to the far side opposite the wall. Even my DH who is a skeptic thought that this was really odd. To make it even more strange, the pin that had held it in place, had just suddenly snapped in two pieces from the middle. My DH thought that this was really odd, he says a pin wouldn't usually break in two that way (he has a background in science and physics). He also thought that it was strange, that the glass like surface of the picture didn't sustain any chips or scratches in the fall.

We are waiting for some legal papers from my parents' lawyer, and they should be here any day now. That was my thought about the papers, as this is part of their estate being settled, and they are very important to us. I don't know whether or not this was an odd dream, but I sure heard them the second time they "knocked".

Thank you all again for your kind words of support.

s

My Dr. had scheduled an ultrasound for today. Man, I hate those things! After drinking 4 glasses of water I always find I am chilled to the bone, and it's starting to get quite cool here now. I should have had this done in the summer when I would have been glad to have been cooled down a bit.

I had been having some bad cramping lately after "relations" with my DH. I had also been having bad cramping after trying to do too much physical work. My energy level has just never really picked up the way I expected it to after my surgery, so just thought I better pay my Dr. a visit with all these questions.

Anyway, I had an ultrasound done this afternoon, and the technician was the nicest lady. But, they keep gabbing away to you, I think at least partly to take your mind off the procedure. I don't really know anything yet, possibly not until early next week.

I'm praying that the endo has not returned to my right ovary, but really don't know what else is causing this extreme pain from time to time. The Dr. thought it could be endo, but I guess I'll have to wait and see at this point.

I'm kind of embarassed because I don't know as much about endo as many of you ladies who have had this already. I went undiagnosed until just before my emergency surgery last January. I had had a few painful periods, but only in the past 3 years. I do feel lucky, as this really didn't impact on my life as early as so many of you.

Guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed at this point and see what my Dr. has to say next week. I'll keep you posted...

This is just a short journal entry as I'm really tired.

Is it possible to hurt yourself 8 months after surgery? I've been cleaning the house, lifting the vacuum cleaner all around the house (no central vac.), and my side really hurts.

My DS is coming home from school this weekend for Thanksgiving weekend (Canadian), and I wanted it to look nice for him (and his girlfriend) when they're visiting. I had been hoping to do more tomorrow, but I think that's it for me.

Hope everyone else is recovering well.

Ahhhh, today, I think we can finally relax.

Helped a friend paint baseboards in her new home on Tuesday. She's a single Mom, and has moved into a small bungalow closer into town. She's the friend who helped me drive my son to school after my surgery. I couldn't have gotten by without her help. Now she's trying to get settled into her new home before the winter. I enjoy helping people, but sometimes feel I just don't have the energy that I used to have.

Somedays, I just start feeling old.

Thursday, I was back in the Dr.'s office. I've been having some pain in my lower right pelvic area, where my right ovary is still located. The Dr. agrees with me, my endo could have returned, so she's ordered a new ultrasound for me. I hope I'm wrong, but don't know what else this dull throbbing pain could be...

Friday, a good friend of mine with 6 boys of her own, invited my youngest over for the day to play at her house (PA day at school). They're 12 now, so they can be somewhat independent and off on their own. She's a very close friend, the one who is managing to go back to school to take 2 classes and take care of her family as well.

Saturday, we were off to a family birthday party 120 km away ( I think that's about 80 miles). Round trip of about 160 miles in one day! My brother waited a long time for this wonderful family of his, so it was a joy to be there on their special day, albeit a very tiring drive for my family. I'm probably in trouble now, as I declined my sister's invitation to come for Thanksgiving next weekend (here in Canada, we celebrate Thanksgiving in October). She lives in the same area, and we've made this same trip 3 times already in the last 5 weeks. We're pooped!

Off we went to visit my Uncle in hospital after his knee replacement surgery. My cousin is in from Manitoba to oversee his surgery and recovery. It's very difficult for her, she had to leave her family behind, and is caring for her Mom while her Dad's in hospital. My Aunt has Alzheimer's, and can be quite nasty with my poor cousin. It's a good thing my cousin's a nurse, she knows that's what Alzheimer's can do to a person. What a horrible illness for loved ones to deal with.

Finally, home again. A phone call from my friend in Toronto that has cancer. She says, sorry I didn't return your call, can you come for a visit after she returns from England to see her family there. She doesn't have much energy for visitors right now, so our visit will have to wait. It's very sad, she's only 49 years old, and has 2 teenage boys...

This morning I wake up early again. It's only 4:15 when I wake up. That familiar throbbing is there, in my right lower pelvis....I'll have to get a nap later today, but can finally relax. I've done my best to see everyone this week, now I can take some time for myself.

Thanks to Emily, Jeanette, Rosanne, Moonchime, Kim, Cheryl, and Floppsy for your kind words of support. I'm taking your advice to heart, and am practicing saying no. I said it once this weekend already, and it did feel good.


s, Anne

I'm trying to be like everyone else, and just write when I'm in a positive frame of mind.

But this has been bothering me for several days, it's the caregiver fatigue syndrome, which will affect so many of us at one point or another in our lives. I just feel less able to cope for some reason, than I did prior to my surgery.....

Over the last several years, we have taken care of 3 of 4 parents ailing with cancer, and DH's Mom who suffered from depression and some kind of dementia. We were there when they were ill, and took care of them and their homes. With my parents, I had siblings to help, with DH parents, he was the only child who was there.

We were "sandwiched" so to speak, between our 3 kids, and ailing parents. Those were trying and very difficult times.

Now our parents are at peace, and I'm now watching friends dying of cancer, and getting calls to come to help with sick Uncles and Aunts. I feel SO guilty, I'm just SO tired.

Our family gets called in the community to help with fundraising campaigns, food drives, helping sick neighbours, the list goes on and on. We are visiting my family again this weekend for birthday parties, ( a 2 hour drive away ). That is why DH and I enjoyed the day with just the 2 of us last week, as those days are so few and far between.

I am just SO tired and burnt out.

This weekend, DH and I celebrated our anniversary. My youngest DS (12), still doesn't get it, this is a day for Mom and Dad alone. DH decided to take a day off yesterday, so we could have a nice day together. Last year we had a difficult year, DH's Dad had just passed away, and DH was understandably moody for quite some time afterwards.

We decided to spend the day in Niagara Falls. Now we just live a 1 hour drive from the Falls, and take their beauty very much for granted. It's become so cliche to go there, we always feel kind of silly when we decide to go.

It was a beautiful day yesterday, more like a warm summer day then one of the first days of autumn. It was fun acting like a tourist, and to look at all the licence plates to see how far people had come from to see the falls.

The Falls are incredibly beautiful, and it's amazing to watch the water rush over the edge. The gardens are gorgeous, and flower baskets are hanging everywhere. The parks are lovely and green, with so many trees, all along the edge of the gorge. We encountered a young Chinese exchange student who was visiting from Ottawa, where she has been studying law. It was fun to see the area through her eyes. She was so happy, because we took the time to take a few pictures of her with the Falls in the background.

We took the scenic route all along the gorge, overlooking the Niagara River. We passed lovely bicycle trails along the way, the Butterfly Conservatory, lots of lovely scenic and historic sites. We went to a historic old inn for lunch, that dates back to the early 1800's. It's called the Angel Inn, and was burned down in the war of 1812(and later re-built). It is said that a ghost resides in the basement, a soldier that was hiding in a beer barrel. Evidently it wasn't a very good hiding spot.

Then we headed home, to make sure the kids got in alright from school, and for a really romantic evening, my daughter had pre-arranged to have a friend sleep-over in our basement with her. They were busy heading out early today, to do something quite constructive, so we made an exception but said we're not doing that again next year.

Back to normal today, hockey practices have started, DS is goalie again this year. I hate watching him play goal, it's so un-nerving. The goalie always seems to get the blame if their team doesn't win the game. Too much pressure for me. I don't know why DS likes playing goal. DD was off with her friends, and we get to be the taxi-cab parents picking kids up, and dropping them off again...

Anyway, it's been a lovely early Fall weekend, and I'm so glad I have the energy back to go for long walks again. I hope everyone else is recovering well, and can enjoy the lovely Fall weather where-ever you are (and hope those hurricanes call it quits really soon!)

s, Anne

Just a warning that I touch on the subject of babies and adoption, I know it's difficult for so many sisters....



Yesterday, my sister was married for the second time. My DH asked me if I packed enough kleenex. I laughed, because my primary emotion on attending this wedding was anxiety.

Anxiety, because I do worry about my sister. I love her dearly, but have seen her make mistakes in the past. She seems to follow her emotions of the day, and I do worry about her.

The weather yesterday was cool, and threatening rain. My dear sister was having the short ceremony outside, in her lovely back yard, under an arbor. The service was performed by a justice of the peace, and was simple, but lovely. Her attendants were her 2 teenage daughters, and her new step-daughter. My sister's husband's "best man" was his young son.

It was lovely, and quite emotional. For me, the emotion always comes from watching the children. This was a difficult day for these kids, and they performed beautifully. They showed real grace during an emotional day for all. My sister's two daughters sang after the service, and they have remarkably beautiful voices. (I don't think that came from my side of the family ).
The eldest sang "You Light up my Life", and it was extremely emotional. She was on the verge of tears the whole time.
Then her younger daughter sang a duet, with a young male friend from school "The Prayer". It was gorgeous, and I told them it was worthy of being recorded in a studio. Lots of emotion, all from the children.

The other thing that will always stay in my mind, were my youngest brother's two children. He and his wife tried for years through fertility treatments to have children of their own. It simply wasn't meant to be for them unfortunately, like for so many other couples.
They have been luckier than many, and opted for international adoption. The oldest of the two boys is 3 now, having been adopted almost 3 years ago from Georgia, in the former Soviet Republic (neighbouring Chechnya). He is just the most fun loving little boy, and we all adore him so much. Then just about 4 weeks ago, my brother and his wife were in Russia, adopting their second son. He is a beautiful little 9 month old baby from Siberia.
That was a very stressful time for our family, as they were due to leave Moscow, right around the same time as the 2 planes were bombed. Our family was very distraught, until we figured out that they weren't leaving until the next day.

It was with great relief that we welcomed them all home, safely to Canada.

So my brother was at the wedding yesterday, with his new family.It was his new dear little baby from Russia who brought the tears to my eyes, knowing that he has a family here who loves him so much. He and his older brother have brought so much joy to our family.

It was a lovely day yesterday, and I thank my sister for making it all happen.


s Aurora

Well, I'm off to my sister's wedding today. It will be the second marriage for both of them, and I'd like to say I'm looking forward to this, but the truth is I'm holding my breath and saying a prayer.

I'm truly worried about her, and especially her teen daughters. She has been very impulsive in the past, and has not always made the best decisions. The last couple of years have not been easy for her daughters, and they have been having difficulty after their parents' divorce.

I don't want to say much more, I feel badly for feeling this way about my sister's marriage. If you have a moment in your day, if you could say a quick prayer for my sister, and especially her daughters I would really appreciate it.

s for all of you,

Aurora

I am just so bored with my life right now.
I know that I have been so lucky in my life, I have a DH who loves me, 3 healthy kids, a pretty little home in a quiet suburban neighbourhood. I seem to be healthy again (for the moment anyway). Everything should be just perfect, right? I am just so bored. My kids are getting older, and don't need me as much anymore, although my main calling these days seem to be the "Mom/taxi-cab" description.

My DH has a good job with good benefits, but he has to work overtime often, and on an un-predictable schedule. I'm needed at home in case the kids need a ride to/from school, to part-time jobs, or to sports and other activities. I would love to get a little job, or take classes, but would have to have these while my kids are in school. It has been very restricting, and I feel like I am going to suffocate sometimes.

A good friend of mine is able to afford to go back to University, to take additional courses. I wish I were in that boat, but we are just getting by like most other people. Other than that, I have been so lucky, and I feel so guilty for complaining. Have to keep looking at that glass as half full, right? It helps to get this down in writing in front of me.

s to all of you, and many prayers for all of you in Ivan's path.

Aurora

Just thought you might like to know, there is a chance to see the Northern Lights tomorrow night (the 14th). If you live in the northern U.S., or in rural areas of Canada, you might have a chance to see them, as long as the skies remain clear, and you don't have too much interference from city lights.

You are supposed to have a chance to see them if you live in Northern Oregon, through to southern Idaho, Wyoming, S.Dakota to Illinois, to Ohio, N. Virginia and to Maryland. Because the moon is not full, you have a fair to good chance of seeing them anywhere north of this line in the U.S. and in Canada.

If any of our British our European friends are reading this, you might be able to see them in England, N. Belgium, N. Poland and north of there. Also in the very southern areas of Australia, and New Zealand.

Your best chance of seeing them, is always to check around midnight, your local time. Something to do for those who are early post-op, and still having trouble sleeping...

I am para-phrasing from an e-mail alert I received, so I hope that those of you who read this can visualize the line through the U.S. that I am talking about. The northern lights are truly awe-inspiring for those lucky enough to see them.

s Aurora

The weather here has been lovely this weekend. Beautiful blue skies, and the weather is warm, but not hot. It's got that feeling of fall in the air.

Last weekend, my dear, dear husband planted 4 new trees for me, because the utility company came and chopped down my favourite red maple tree this summer. I cried like a baby when that tree came down. We live in a newer subdivision, and it takes years for trees to grow. That one was about 17 years old, and had just grown a decent height of 20 or 25 feet high. My youngest son loved to sit in that tree, as I loved to do when I was a child at my childhood home. This tree, was a true red maple, Acer rubrum, the maple that turns the brilliant red in the fall.

Last weekend, my DH and I went and found 3 new red maple clumps and planted them in our yard. Plus one sugar maple just for good measure. I'm looking forward to them changing colour in a few weeks time in October. I'll keep my fingers crossed, and hope they do well in my yard.

Yesterday, my DH and I went to a huge antique show near our home. There are about 200-300 dealers at the show, and they come from all across Canada, and parts of the U.S.
We usually don't buy anything very much, but find it fun to go. You can see so many of the things you grew up with there, and who knew everything was so valuable! Everything from plastic piggy banks from the 50's, to Nancy Drew and Hardy Boy books, to beautiful old dolls, and lots of antique furniture.

My husband knows my weakness is for anything Christmasy. I'll shoot off the minute I see an old "feather" tree, because I know it means it will mean older Christmas ornaments. I don't know why, maybe because my Mom loved Christmas, and when we settled Mom and Dad's estate 5 years ago, lots of the childhood ornaments I loved went in 4 different directions. I guess a psychologist might say, I'm trying to recreate that joy from childhood. I found an old plastic Santa from about the 1950's and bought it for $15.00; the only thing I bought. My kids probably think I'm a little odd sometimes I think because of the things I bring home. All I can think, is that I must remember these things in some dark recess of my brain from my childhood.

I must be getting old, as I seem to be doing that a lot lately.
s to all of you,

Aurora

I am new to writing a journal, and I'm not a terribly talented writer at all. I thought I might give this a try, and see what happens.

I had my surgery at the end of January, so over 7 months ago now. I've been quite lucky, with no noticeable side-effects from the surgery, and apart from still feeling fatigued quite a lot, feel that I am doing quite well.

My eldest son left for school yesterday. He is 19, turning 20 this fall. This is not the first year away from home, as he was away last year in residence at his school. Last year, he was anxious to leave home, and to be independent from our family. Yesterday, he seemed very homesick before he even left. It broke my heart. My DH had moved most of his things to his new "home" over a week ago. He has a room in a house with about 10 other students. Last year, when he signed the lease, he was so excited and seemed to think this was a great idea. When my husband left him there yesterday, he said he just looked so sad.

I know it's a learning experience, learning to budget money for the whole school year. He will be making his own food, and learning to get along with a lot of new people. Last year, he had all his food made for him in residence, so I knew that he would eat reasonably well, and be well nourished. This year, I'm going to worry all the time. My kids seem to think that is what I do best.
My daughter says that I have to find some things to do, so I won't worry about them so much. Easier said then done.

Aurora