It's so typical of my journalling habits: I get into it, journal regularly and then, for some unknown reason, just give up for a while... and then return... again, for som unknown reason.

That said, as time goes by, I've been feeling both better and worse: better, because I simply have to move on. That's life and, I guess, it's a good thing. Worse, because it's X-Mas, his birthday (on the 10th), DD's birthday on 18th and it's all getting to me. I'm soooooo not in the holliday spirit, have nothing done and really don't feel like doing anything... except, for the kids' sake, I have to!!

Saturday, I'm going to this evening called "My first Christmas Without You". It's put together by a bereavement support group and is supposed to be really beneficial. I'm both looking forward to it and fearing it. I guess it's normal.

Yesterday, I totally lost it and was weeping in the bus. The girl in front of me was looking at me as though I was an allien.. and I felt awful but couldn't help it. I hate this feeling of loss of control... but, then again, I understand that it's normal.

Today is better, though I've been feeling very lightheaded. I'm seeing my doctor next week about those dizzy spells. Hopefully, she'll have answers for me though I'm sure it's only stress.

The one thing that reassures me is that, with all the firsts I'll be facing in a very short time, I'll be over a lot of firsts and, hopefully, things will improve.