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harley_kat's Journal
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tonite is rough for me 01-28-2005 - 08:00 PM
Well i felt I had to journal or go insane tonite. I am having issues with these kids who are tormenting my house...They keep throwing stuff at it. My son is fine with it and I feel like a huge failure at not keeping him safe, and not showing him how to deal with it properly. I am sitting here crying, it just goes to show how overboard I go. I was tormented and terrorized so badly by my ex, i cannot handle stupid behaviour by kids. I feel so scared in my own home. I feel liek it is my fault that I cant keep my son safe. Even though there is no harm really being done, and if a window breaks, so what. I am terrified for my family and I cannot get over that feeling.

It comes from the abuse, not knowing if it will happen again, tonite, tomorrow, or next week. It was a sucker the first night, God knows what tonite. I just cant get that scared feeling out of me. I never knew when my ex came home what treats he had in store for me, one night was a beating, the next was strangling me until I would almost pass out. Those were the easy nights. The ones I hated were the torment, not knowing, no contact, mind games, and threats, and all i wanted was for him to hit me. That way I knew I would live. How sick is that...As long as I live, i will always remember the day the police told me that my ex having a knife and putting it to his throat and pointing at me, that there was nothign they could do, he was inside I was out. If the police cant keep me safe, who can. Maybe that is why I feel so afraid.

I am almost having a panic attack, and feeling very threatened by my emotions. I cannot deal with this and if I was to go to ER they would lock me up for sure. It is unreasonable for me to feel this terrified by some punk *** kids...I almost tonite feel more suicidal than I have in ages. I am in no danger yet, but I can feel those old emotions, and the inability to do anything, and the powerlessness, all that stuff is coming up. I just dont know what to do.....Attack me so I can defend myself, dont play hide and go seek games. They scare me so badly....

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A few thoughts to ponder for me 01-24-2005 - 09:03 PM
I am back to my 'depression sleeping', being tired all day even though I sleep like a log all night, maybe I will start going to bed at 7pm again!!

I am back to binge eating and woohoo put on 15 lbs in less than a week! Just what i really wanted.

Life is no longer careening out of my control. Somehow I have to grab the wheel again and start driving. Feeling sorry for me isnt going to help me out at all. Get up, dust off my knees and try again.

My doctor had faith in me, my DH has faith in me, and my DS has faith in me. They are all purty darned smart men, so maybe they know something I dont??

AS I would say to my son...."Suck it up, sweetcheeks"...Might be time to follow my own advice, pathetic as it may be...lol

I think maybe my road is going to stop having switchbacks, and hills and valleys. Maybe it will level out and not make such darned sharp turns...Maybe the withdrawals are almost over. I almost, almost, felt human today....Did i mention it was almost??

Time for bed, it is 10pm and tomorrow I will be tired again. Maybe I will even try out my trainer tomorrow....
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Monday again 01-24-2005 - 04:31 PM
Well I have to write something so I will. If i keep communicating maybe I can see patterns, remember things that set me off and hopefully beat my demons at their own game!!

I feel so guilty in ways, cuz there are women on here fighting for their life with cancer and they want to live. Some days I dont and would love to take thier cancer away.

Ahh, that is all for tonite...Tomorrow is a new day....
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Not liking this.... 01-23-2005 - 07:42 AM
Well I made it through the night, at one point I wasnt too sure if I would. Funny they say dreams cant kill you unless you are falling, and you hit, apparently that will give you a heart attack. What about when the scary things in your dream get you? I had more nightmares last night than I usually do in a 10 year span. Lynne and Stephanie are most likely right, it is withdrawal. Well i remember how long it took last time, I sure hope it settles sooner than that!!

I dont feel any better today, just more tired and unable to keep going. I dont know how i am going to make it, I guess I just have to. And today I get to go see my grandkids, I am afraid to do that.... Sadly enough I am scared... My step daughter is so intuitive she probably know something is up, and she will sit there and look at me with her head on the side. If she asks, I will break and I cannot do that. Not in front of my kids and grandkids...I dont wanna go. Dont get me wrong, I love them all very much, they are my life..... I just am so raw, and vulnerable right now, I dont want the lil boys to see me go through that....Dont want my daughter too either....

I am babbling I think, what I jsut wrote was for a reason but cant remember it...So Im going to get ready to go......
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3 Days 01-22-2005 - 05:14 PM
3 days and I am back. I am back in hell. It sure didnt take long to get back here, but here I am. Funny thing is I am comfortable here. All the old feelings, the old guilts, the old feeling of uselessnes, everything. Back with a vengance. My how easy it is to fall into the old routine. I dont know how long it will take to be completely absorbed again by the demons. I dont know how long I can fight to stay afloat and the saddest part is, I dont know if I want to anymore. I am tired of fighting, and while i know my doc wants me to fight, I dont seem to have it in me anymore.

I dont want to frighten anyone but these are my feelings. I am tired of fighting everything, that is why I needed and asked for help. I know going back he will tell me to wash out my system and have a go at it. How long will it take, a week, a month? Do i really have that long. I guess I should cherish the time I had in Happy Land and carry that with me. I wish now I had never had it cuz this place is darker than before...I feel so alone and scared... I know there are others down here but cannot find them, and dont know how to find them. Its really cruel throwing someone a life raft, and when they grab hold, yanking it out of thier hands....
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Yeeee Hawwww 01-21-2005 - 08:23 AM
Well, there can be some good things about winter....Nothing like an inch of frozen rain, followed by 2 inches of snow. Where is a half ton when a girl needs one!! Front wheel drives are not fun on the ice...They go where you want you to. Now before anyone panics, I was raised on a farm....My dad would go skiddin around when we were kids, and we just loved it, however dont put me in a ditch. I always loved to go play in the snow in my little Honda, and it was as much fun as my Taurus, went where you wanted. I want a big ole rear wheel drive half ton to play in this weather!! To go do donuts in a parking lot. To go out and terrorize on the highway!! My big ole 79 Thunderbird, lime green, would have been a blast.....What a wonderful old beast it was, glowed in the dark...hehe

Maybe this morning I am regressing back to childhood. I really have always been intimidated by big vehicles, but alwasy wanted one. I feel the youth past was a let down by not getting what I wanted. I feel a temper tantrum coming on. All my life people have dictated what I should drive, starting with my dad. He bought two cars home for me to choose from. A Ford Escort with the cutesy lil hatchback, white with red interior, to the icky brown Honda Accord. I really really wanted the Escort. What did I end up with, as stated before, the Honda. Mind you it was an awesome lil car, many fun times in that puppy....But I wanted the Escort. Why even ask me if you are not going to listen to my answer. Maybe today that is why I get so mad when people ask me something and then just do what they want!!

When I bought this car, DH told me he loved his and I should have a nice car, not some stupid half ton or Blazer like I really wanted. Sooo, I ended up with a car that has been a lemon from Day 1. Not his fault really. I should have opened my mouth. I suppose this I get from my mom. The man knows best and we should not argue or cry, but listen, learn and ultimately do as they say.....

This morning I had a conversation with DS. Told him he needs to learn to be able to say no to people who want him to do things that he knows are wrong. This year it is breaking into lockers and hacking computers. In a couple years it will be stealing cars and drugs. If he cannot learn today I am afraid he wont learn.... Mind you his teachers, DH and I cannot say no either. I told DS that when my friend wants me to do work for this charity, that I say no but get talked into it. I also told him if she wanted me to mule drugs or something, it probably would get quite easy to say NO WAY!!

I am sure with me this characteristic comes from wanting to be liked. And I am sure it is the same with him....We have a meeting with the principal last class today and all I hear is I dont wanna rat out my friend. I had to explain more than once, that it is looking for support to learn to say no, and for ways to not lose friends when you do say no. I told him I would also be learning today.

Raising children is a scary business. I hope daily and pray nightly I am doing right by him. I also hope the genes kick in and he turns out to be like the rest of his step sibs. They are doing well, especially his twin....She has 2 little boys and is struggling but is so wonderful and I just love her. I wish them luck also with DSIL being away and her having to do this on her own..However I digress. I think if I can instill some values, he may go through the same phases his dad and I did, but that he may realize what is important and what is right. I must have faith in myself to instill faith in my child.

Well I am done babbling for now...I will come back later and fill in on meeting. At least with my journal, I have something I can look back on and remember with....Otherwise I may forget some important things....
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New Turn on my journey 01-20-2005 - 10:18 AM
Well just got done at the doctors. I am officially back to square one, being taken off Effexor, Vagifem, and the testosterone shots. So I am to wash out my system and then see where I sit. There are so many options for me and he wants to see me healthy. We will see in the future, what it holds. For today I am ok with this and hoping that the future is bright and happy.

I came to a realization today that I cannot make people do things. I can no longer be responsible for the actions of others. I need to worry about my own actions, and be responsible for those. When I chose to procrastinate, it is my own fault. No one else is accountable. So many times, I would love to blame, and have someone get me out of messes, but it wont happen. Maybe this is a huge turning point for me. I sincerely hope so. I would love to be 'normal' but really what is 'normal'. Maybe I am normal, and the whole world is as screwed up as me! That is a hugely empowering thought!

So now, I embark on a new leg, of this wonderful road called Life. Twists and turns, bends and forks, hills and valleys. Wow, I hope I feel this positive in a week, a month, a year....
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Wednesday 01-19-2005 - 09:35 PM
Ahhh, what a beeotiful day it was today. Whatever was reeking havoc in my tummy must have left overnight. I went out and shovelled my driveway to get rid of the ice. Tonite, I am paying but I feel good. Tomorrow are completes for the boys. Supposed to go visit DSD but she is so busy that we will probably wait til the weekend. Supposed to snow Friday so that outta be fun...NOT!!

I feel really good today, was a bit weepy this AM, but seemed to get over it. Did not make the calls I was supposed to. Tomorrow morning after Dr I will do it! Cannot forget....

Think tomorrow I will tell Dr I am ready to try going off effexor. I am only taking it every second day and doing ok with that. Maybe, fingers, toes and eyes crossed, maybe I will be ok. He may have other wonderful plans for me :-( He always seems to...So we see tomorrow what tomorrow brings....

I am off to bed, to try and put my poor shoulder back into movement mode...It is aching to beat the band. I can kinda relate to my moms whining now about her shoulder, and hers was broken!! I cannot imagine a shoulder hurting worse, it is in my neck. I think I dont want a broken shoulder....lol

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Tuesday 01-18-2005 - 07:24 PM
Well what a rough day. Felt sick all day, and now it has moved from my tummy to those wonderful sharp icky gas pains. Dont know if I caught a touch of the flu or what. Sure dont feel very healthy right now. And making more noise than I thought possible....

Got absolutely nuttin done today but a three hour nap. And of course, it was 3 degrees ABOVE 0 today Celsuis....How wonderful. Went out and it is slippy slidey!!

Going to bed now, cannot make a habit if I dont do it so had to journal before bed.
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Good Morning so far 01-17-2005 - 07:31 AM
Well this morning, I have finished my laundry, well I have my comforter to do but DH just got up so later, I have cleaned my bathroom and quickly mopped my kitchen floor. Have to shower here when I am done, and go to my docs appt and the library....

I am feeling mentally and emotionally ok, the Effexor every second day seems to be doing its job. I am maybe not as up as I was, but not as down either. Nice even keel, which is what I like...I am a bit intimidated, going to see my Gyn, as he will be asking so many questions. I really wonder if I need to see him, but cannot cancel now at this late time. I dunno why he felt he needed to see me at 12 weeks. I will talk to him about the meds I am taking and will have to explain to him why Dr S. is doing what he is doing. I can just see him havin a tizzy. "There is nothing wrong with you, you are cycling which means your ovaries work...I dont know why you feel the need to be on hormones, blah blah blah"

I am finding it hard to cope with the thoughts of not having any fantasy life, any imagination, any sense of story telling in my head. I am truly hopeful that this is the Effexor as I was able to write before the Effexor, and shortly after. DH asked me about my book, what am I supposed to say. Um, sorry have no imagination right now cuz of the chemicals....He will pull me off so fast....Cannot believe it, I have always, always, had an imagination....
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List for tomorrow.... 01-16-2005 - 09:41 PM
Hehe, got one thing done today and it isnt even finished....How pathetic is that....Oh well, had a fun day. playing an online game I quit when i had surgery, my old addiciton!! rofl

Tomorrow, I need to get my laundry finished, clean my bathroom, wash my comforter first thing in the am, and make my stupid bed!! Dr appt at 9:45 and library after that. I will not play runescape, I will not play runescape!! Yeah right, who am i tryin to kid....And another attempt at killing my monkey!!

Gnite all
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Today 01-16-2005 - 09:10 AM
I am choosing not to quit smoking. I could do it but my brain somehow talks me into smoking. So tomorrow, I am going to let my brain stay sleeping for the day and just not smoke. I am off in the AM and have no money so smoking should not be an issue. It will be fun to go see the doc all grumpy and such!!

I have not even gotten off my butt this am. I have to make a quick trip out and then am coming home to do my chores. I need to add one little chore to my list so think I will clean out my old fridge, and wash it down. Then maybe I can move around my kitchen if I can ever get it downstairs....Thats my list for the day...Wooppee. I really feel like working...NOT!!

i will return later to write more!

Yeah well since some unnamed person forgot to plug her car in, she isnt going anywhere anytime soon...It is a little chilly out there, again!! I cannot wait until spring when at least you can leave the house dressed completely in winter wear and not freeze your butt off.....
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Plans for Sunday 01-15-2005 - 10:00 PM
Maybe if I write these in here, I will have something to fall back on.
Sunday I will:
Quit Smoking, no ifs ands or buts.
i will do my laundry...yay!
Clean my bathroom.
Make my bed....

Yes, I can do it!!
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Poco a Poco 01-15-2005 - 02:01 PM
So little by little. I like that saying. I think it will be handy in the future. So far today i have tortured my kid, been tortured by him, and cleaned up my living room. Gosh, you can almost see the whole thing now!! Shoes got sorted but somehow i have a few spare shoes!! rofl Dunno where the others went, probably where my christmas ornaments went also! Stupid cats.....

I feel a bit better today. I think that I let things overwhelm me and then I panic. I need to learn to stop and write or somehow get rid of some of the things that bother me. I can only deal with so much. I also need to get on a Psychiatrist and counsellor next week. I have to travel to see them so I will have to make arrangements to see them the same days. It will be at least a three hour drive as I am thinking where the kids are wont have any good Psychs. So we shall see how hard this will prove to be. At least the gas prices are relatively low....I just hate driving in the winter.

I have some tough choices, and am going to discuss the options of antidepressants with my doc. I doubt my gyn will help on Monday. He was a good surgeon but is going to not be happy when I tell him what meds I am taking and why. His opinion is there is nothing wrong with me. Now he will blame the effexor, and blah blah blah. I dont understand how he can honestly sit and tell me if I cycle that my hormones are just fine. No blood tests. Maybe I just dont get it. I asked DH if I should be a doctor, it is something I have thought about in the past. I think I will be better taking my social work and setting up a program with the health dept here for post hyst work. I just wish I could see the future. Who knows what it brings. In some ways I am so excited about my future. In others, not so much....

Well off to play some cards, figure out supper and find out if I get another kid for the night or not. Oh well, so much for a night of fun....
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I'm Lost...... 01-14-2005 - 08:50 AM
Well, a day of thinking, and trying to figure out life, and I still dont know where I am or what I should do....I am just lost....

I love HysterSisters. I really do. I get so much support and caring when i really need it. And that is great. Before anyone freaks please hear me out....Where I need the support, I find it lacking. I am having so many libido issues, and maybe it is just because there is not a whole lot of info out there, but I dont seem to get the answers I need and want.

I am depressed, I take effexor, lowest dose. Doc put me on Vagifem which did help but still not bring me back to where I was. So Doc puts me on Testosterone, and the only difference is I am dizzy and unsure....So last night i decided to decrease my Effexor to the lowest dose every two days. And yes that is doc approved.

I want my life back. I am sick and tired of not being able to have what I used to have. I am happy that i feel better, but unhappy that I have lost such a huge part of me. To get rid of three days of pain, I have given up so much more. I lost my job, my thoughts, my brain power, and my libido! Today I regret every inch of this decision to have a hyst. I really really do. It wasnt like I was so bad off I couldnt have lived.

I just dont know where i belong anymore. I have posted onto the Sexual Dysfunction board, and they moved me to the Hormone Jungle. I dont find the answers there helpful but like i stated before, maybe it is cuz there are no answers. I have had a hard time the last few days reading about employment issues, and women talking about pregnancy and kids, and all the other stuff. I just dont know anymore....

Then I start to question if I am even helping anyone. I dont know anymore, because it seems like when you answer one question, someone else asks another question that is equally as difficult as the first. It is wearing on me, and I dont feel helpful or useful. I cant even feel it at home anymore, and just dont know what is going on, or even beginning to understand these things flying through my brain.

One dear friend told me I was welcome on all the boards here, and I know I am. I just feel as lost on here as I do in my life. I dont feel like a wife anymore, because I dont have a libido. My mommy days are at an end, my kid doesnt seem to want to play around with me like I used to. He is growing up and growing away. My whole life is swirling around me and I just feel lost, and alone even with my DH by my side.

Someone please tell me that this is all ok, it will pass, and my life will come back....PLEASE!! I need to hear it right now, lie or not....
I am so lost......
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Fear and Faith 01-11-2005 - 04:51 PM
Well I am terrified. I have no one who will understand. However I guess the flip side of that stupid coin is my doctor has faith in me!! He did adknowledge that the oddball things do happen to me tho, which was kinda funny!! I am afraid in May when I go off my Effexor I will die. Maybe not right away but I feel that the suicidal thougts will come back and I will die. As I sit today I know I have options. Three months ago I didnt... What will happen to me....I really dont even want to think about it, and when I told him I didnt want to stop it he told me 4-6 months, with me being at the 6 month mark, he would slowly wean me off. I am wondering if you can buy effexor off the street!

I cannot talk to DH about this, he has enough on his plate, and besides he doesnt understand depression. I am afraid that other lady is going to come back and I will lose everything. Dr. S assured me that if this dose is helping me out now, it will be doing its job in my brain, and that I should be fine. What if Im not...What if I crash and burn. I have a child to think of. He is so happy right now, well as happy as an almost teen should be. The bad lady is gone, and in her place a mom who doesnt flip out, start bawling at the drop of a hat, the mom who can explain things without yelling at the top of her lungs.

Now I have this fear hanging over my head, and I dont know how to let go...I need to trust the doctor, so far he has done very well. I need to trust DH to tell me if I get too out of line. I need to have faith in myself and that is so hard to do....

What am I going to do. How am I supposed to now deal with what has been handed me. I feel like it is a life sentence. I'm afraid it is my life sentence....funny, but I already feel like I have given up hope....
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It is Tuesday 01-11-2005 - 07:04 AM
Well another cold frosty day here, big storm coming again...I want spring and I want it now!! Ok, temper tantrum over!! hehe

I have to see the Gp today and have to remember all I need to ask him. I am going to have to get a vag swab done, ick because things seem to be funky down south. I dont think it is an infection but who knows nowadays! I have to ask him about Testosterone, and about this yappng in my sleep! Apparently it is bad enough that I am waking DH and DS with it. Sooo, try to find a way to kill that. There was three things and sadly those are the only three I remember and the talking is new this AM. Gotta put my thinking cap on again...It hurts to do that some days! Oh yes, the dose of Effexor.

I was so tired last night, I fell into bed at 8:30 and was probably asleep by 9:30. I am still a bit fatigued this morning but hey, didnt sleep well on Sunday night, having maybe 5 hours. So its no wonder. On the whole with the list the doc gave me, I am hangin in with most of them. The libido still sucks. And the brain fog better hurry up and leave!! Cant go to school if I cant retain info!!

Nothing new or exciting on this home front this am. My house is never going to get clean, and I am just frustrated over that. However maybe I need to train the dust bunnies in the living room to clean up. I am still missing some tree ornaments cuz of those stupid fur balls I own....Dont know where they got rolled to!! So I have to rip apart my living room now to find them. Only one I know got broken by them smashing it into a table leg....

Off to begin my long day of appts, trip to moms and all that other fun crap that goes into a day. Next three days I have nuttin to do so will be staying home and teachin them dust bunnies to vacuum!!
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A new day.... 01-10-2005 - 07:43 AM
((((((Lynne)))))))))) Thanks for the advice...I will think on it. However some things just for some reason cannot wait. These lightbulb moments as I have decided to call them are just happening, as are the horrors from my past. They are coming up and as they come, I need to deal with them. In that respect I am doing ok. I have decided I need to quit smoking for the simple fact at 300 a month, I cannot afford to smoke! As for the eating healthy, I think I wont try to lose the weight, if it happens it happens. If I gain, I wont be happy, but oh well. I dont see how I can gain if instead of smoking I hop on my exerciser, and instead of chips I grab celery or carrots.....

My ultimate goal in life is to live happily, and to enjoy the time God grants me here on earth. I no longer need to comfort eat, and giving up chips hasnt been that hard. Mind you I avoid the chip aisle in the store and dont have them in my house. I can find comfort in just being....I do enjoy smoking, but for some reason breathing seems to be a big thing also, and I do worry about my son getting cancer...I would not be able to live with myself if that happened.

My life is changing, and for the better. I am happier, and therefore healthier than ever!! Life is great, and I am gonna live it!!! As Bon Jovi said "Its my life, now or never, I aint gonna live forever...."
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More musings on my mental state 01-09-2005 - 09:27 PM
I realized tonite, that I no longer have those unexplained rages that I used to get. For some reason, I think it was an ad on TV that made me think about getting ceramic tile. I remembered then, I couldn't do to the angel incident, of me hurling my angel at my kitchen floor as hard as I could because something ticked me off. I have also wrecked my car door, my screen door, and my ghetto blaster many years ago. Thankfully those rages have never been aimed at people. However they were unacceptable. I am seeing more and more every day how much healthier my life is, and how sick I really was. I am ashamed of the way I have acted, and I know my DS has watched me go through so much of this, for all of his short life. I am so thankful I had the foresight to teach him at a young age that those things were not acceptable, but I still do see some impact on him.

I am also seeing a huge change in DH. I always figured he was just an anger driven man. Funny how i can look back, and the anger usually points at me. Not that I control his emotions, and dont get me wrong. Two wrongs do not a right make!! However when I look at the past, I can certainly see where I exacerbated the situations, and am partially responsible for pushing buttons. I really hate to bring this up with him, because i do not want to hear those dreaded three words that raise the hackles of young and old alike.

I feel a bit powerless tonite as I have a lot of amends to make to my family. I dont even know how to begin to do it. This healing is a wonderful powerful thing, but to make the wrongs i did right is going to take a lifetime. Its amazing right now how I see how my past has really shaped my present. And hopefully my future will be so much happier, and more life filled, and not so depression filled and sick.

I wish my Dh could see that I am not a well woman, and he would admit that these pills really do help me. I know he doesnt want a 'chemical lady' but I dont see how i can ever go back to the way I was....I dont ever want to go back. I only want to move forward and to heal, and to be normal...I want to be the wife he deserves, and the mom my beautiful baby deserves. I never felt good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, yet they both love me. Maybe it is time I was everything I want them to have... I can do it...They both have so much patience and love, and they put up with me for this long, and for that I thank them. I wont ever be able to repay them for that, but I can give it back.

I think I really need to come clean with the doc. He needs to know all of these things, so he can help me heal all the way, and not think he can just take me off effexor. I have a life now, and i aint givin up!!

My DS and I always crank up and sing as loudly as we can to that song...I get knocked down, but I get up again, youre never going to keep me down....Thats me...Knock me down, I will rise, and be better than ever.....

To my ex, I will survive, and I will be ok. I do thank you for showing me that I am a fighter. I will hate you til my dying day......Thank you for staying out of my life, and for leaving me alone.

My heart hurts, and I am afraid. With the love of my family, I will be ok...
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Ughhh, 01-09-2005 - 12:49 PM
Well it is done. My scalp is burning, and what can be covered with a hat is what looks nice....What is orange is what cannot be covered with a hat....So it was a total failure!! I am going to now have to go spend the money I tried to save on a hairdresser.... wow my fingers are getting ahead of me....

I really want to go back ot my old icky color....Live and learn....
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Reflections 01-09-2005 - 08:56 AM
Ok, ok, I look dumb as a blond...No WAY am I letting on to DH....I stopped and looked at my reflection in the mirror today, it did not change who I am. Maybe that is what I was trying to do?? I dont know but I am even unprettier than I was before. I dont know if I got my eyebrows waxed it if would help, but YUCK!!

Now before you all go and get hyped on me not being pretty, my face is not pretty. I am ok with that. I have gorgeous eyes, if you can see them beneath the big bushy brows. My beauty comes from within...I understand this now better than ever. DH must see something pretty when he does look at me but then he is blind!! hehe I add a whole new meaning to the term "dumb blond'...

I am eating healthier, which means no I have not succeessfully gotten rid of the monkey that plagues me. i will ask my doctor for a tip or two on Tuesday but he will tell me to just quit cold turkey. That wont be helpful....

DH has tons of homework to do for Monday so I best be gettin off and naggin him to get it done...I will be back later to update on how my day is progressing. I get to redo my hair to see if I can make it a color where I wont need a hat to leave my house. A lady who considers herself MY friend (notice I said she considers, I dont really) asked me in a tone yesterday "What have you done to your hair?" I told her it was a work in progress...Her response "A work in progress, thats good!" That means if it doesnt get fixed today, I either shave it or go vivid red....Impulsive decisions are bad....Never again will I allow my DS to control what I do with my hair!!

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Saturday, and snowy!! 01-08-2005 - 12:09 PM
Well it is the dreaded Saturday. I hate weekends when it is too cold to enjoy...More snow last night and I HATE IT!!! I learnt something you would think living in this climate would teach, and maybe I chose to forget year to year. When you wear runners out, my bad, always always wear socks!! Logical. Makes total sense. And how do I run out the door?? No socks, and runners. And I wonder why my feet get cold!!

I am not succeeding in quitting but am eating better. I guess that is a good thing. I think I am ready to do the deed and bleach the crap out of my hair. I do have some concerns but how bad can orange hair really be? Kids do it all the time. I am really wondering if my sanity has completely left me!! Thank God DH loves me no matter what!! Sane, insane, orange hair, green hair, purple hair, fat, skinny, only thing he complains about is short hair!! Well and the big butt, but who cares!! hehe

Well here goes nuttin...Pics about to be posted of before dye job, after dye job and how 'fluffy' I am now, compared to how skinny I am gonna get!!
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My friends the cigarettes 01-07-2005 - 02:23 PM
I really dont know why I am fighting to convince myself so hard that I dont want to smoke. I do enjoy smoking. I really do. Why, I just dont know. When I gave up the other drugs that i had addiciton to, it was so much easier. They were a risk and I could stay away from them and have really had no pull to try them again. Why is this addiction so much harder. Maybe it is the fact I dont see the dangers. Maybe it is cuz it is so much more social. There are no 'law' risks involved. There is no visible evidence except in my wallet that it is bad. Sure, cancer is a big one, but doesnt everything cause cancer. Just living where we are means we are higher risk for cancer and MS. Dont ask me why, it is just there are so many here per capita that have MS or cancer...

I dont know yet that i really am ready to give up the monkey. I know I have to for my DS' sake, he has been nagging since Aug 03 for us to not start and to quit. I know it is best for everyone involved....I just dont wanna quit!! I wanna have my fun....

Why is life so hard??
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Today 01-07-2005 - 08:15 AM
My mantra for the day is "I can do it, however failure does not make me a bad person, it makes an opportunity to try again!"

I really dont feel well today. I seem to be tired and frustrated. I wont be smoking today, at all...I seem to be doing ok. Mind you once my mind stands still for one minute....
I will write more later, just dont want to sit and write right now....blah
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Patch again..... 01-06-2005 - 07:24 AM
Well the patch is on, stuck on really well with tape this time. I could look at the patch falling off as a sign that I need to keep on smoking!! However I look at it as another way my body seems to be so different and weird from the norm....Mind you different and weird is sometimes ok.....DH's cigs are sitting across the table calling away to me, and I am trying to see how long i can sit here listening to them and looking at them before I decide to hurl them across the room!!! lol

I think I will exercise today, if nothing else to keep down my cravings. It is too cold for a walk so I will just plod away on there. I have to find things to do to keep my hands busy but this time I will succeed. I will succeed. I will not ever smoke again!!

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A few realizations I happened upon 01-05-2005 - 10:03 PM
Depression hit me when I was young, is it any wonder?? After my surgery, I had mood swings galore, and was not happy. Due to my inherently worsing reactions to antidepressants, I fought long and hard to stay off them. My doctor finally convinced me to try one old Tricyclic or I coudl try Effexor. I chose effexor. i realized very shortly thereafter how incredibly sick i really was....

Tonite as I was laying in bed, at 10:30 when 4 months ago it would have been 8:30 or earlier, I am not sleeping for 10-12 hours a night, and i am not exhausted all day long. I knew that the suicidal thoughts, and the whole 'poor bad me' recordings were gone. I also had realized in the past month that i was not raped at 12, I was sexually abused, a very BIG and important step in healing. It differentiates from the woman to the little girl....I digress, I realized tonite how I have not had wellness issues, and that I feel good. I no longer feel the urge to complain about every ache and pain, and since my surgery, i have not been sick! Since i have started the AD's, I have not even felt sick. I also dont complain about anything healthwise, but I do tell DH when my tummy is sore, but it is more, FYI than wah wah.....So to recap how I feel, no more exhaustion, no more ailments and having to have someone HEAR me, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more suicidal thoughts, no more poor me. i know that I have a very long way to go to complete my recovery and transformation, but I feel so good, I really dont care. I am up for the challenge and actually am looking forward to the rest of my life, for the first time ever!! Actually the word challenge doesnt even fit anymore...More like a journey I want to take, to learn about who I really am, who I really want to be, and to love me just the way I am...gosh, I might even decide I want to grow up after all!!
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Jan 5/05 01-05-2005 - 01:59 PM
Ok, Gotta figure out how in heavens name to move this to BEST...I did 2 whole minutes on my trainer today...My legs are so incredibly tired from this!! Tomorrow I try for 2 minutes 30 seconds...By the end of the year I am positive I will be doing a whole 10 minutes without collapsing!! HEHe
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Still Pluggin away 01-05-2005 - 08:37 AM
Well the no smoking thing is still on hold. I tried yesterday but the patch falling off did not help. So tomorrow I am going to again attempt to put the patch on and quit. My friends used to have a saying, If at first you dont succeed, give up and go to the bar!! I dont think that fits in with this....lol

It is frigid outside this morning, and I have running around to do. I would love to go to bed and watch TV. I have to take my tree down and refind my living room after moving everything out to get my fridge into my house!! I am curious where the 500 shoes came that are sitting in the middle of my living room. I vaguely remember some of them, but others? Could this mean my kid is right, I own too many shoes? Silliest thing is they are not dress shoes, they are runners and hikers and Dockers....Maybe if he wouldnt grow out of his in 6 months, I might not have to keep the ones that fit me! That wont happen again as he is now in a size that is 3 bigger than mine. What happened to the little feet that were smaller than my hand...That is really sad... His little toes that were no bigger than a pea!! They were so cute. Now they are as long as my fingers almost! Too funny....

Mood today is good. I slept again like the dead last night. And i was in bed before midnight! Getting up this morning was not fun, but school started today, and DS was sitting at the table all ready to go...I am so proud of him!!

I did well in my eating yesterday, eating a spinach salad for both lunch and dinner and I even got breakfast into me. BMs are regular so on the whole, I guess I will live!! I am so happy with my new life, so looking forward to healing in all ways. I do have to ask the doctor tho if I am on too low of a dose of Effexor if it will fix the receptors in my brain or if I am going to have to increase it to do that. I may snoop on the internet but dont think I will find that exact question answered. If I have to go to the Pysch I will scream!!

So here I am ready to start my Wednesday, brave the freezing cold for an egg bin that did not come with my fridge that said it would, pick up a door handle and yes, cigarettes. And i wonder why I have trouble quitting and am broke....

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Dunno what to label this one.....ARRRGGGHHHHHH 01-04-2005 - 11:53 AM
Well, I took the plunge, put on the patch this morning after smoking my fool head off to get rid of all my smokes. I am doing ok, but really really want a cigarette!! REALLYY

I just had lunch, second meal of the day and it isnt even 1pm, this change is really tough....I had a tuna sandwhich on flax bread, and a spinach salad! Yummy.....NOT!!!

If I can eat healthy every second day, it is half of much junk food....I am a junk food junky. I eat to retain my weight, and I retain my weight for protection. Maybe if this is in black and white for me to read I will change my attitudes, and beliefs!! I eat for comfort, I eat out of shame. I eat, I eat and then I eat more!! Last night when I weighed myself, and got so depressed over it, what did I do, pulled out a piece of pizza and gobbled it down. Shame over having gained the weight back, and comfort, fear, that scared little girl needs love not food. Hmm, wonder where the idea came from that we eat when we need love?? Could it be from my mom who would give me a cookie when I came home crying from school beccause someone called me fatso?? I am thinking so...Now it isnt food, it is money. She will never learn, but I have and will keep giving my kid love when he is lonely, food when he is hungry (all the time in other words), drink when he is thirsty and a smack upside the head when he is bad!! (not really but a verbal one is just as good)

I need to love myself to stop that eating pattern, I need to get support from my family when I feel sad or lonely, and i need to drink when I am thirsty, and eat only when hungry. I see these patterns but changing the ways of the past will be very difficult, and I just have to take it day by day, meal by meal, hour by hour, moment by moment, and second by second every day.

I still need that darned cigarette....

Note: Just went to the bathroom, no wonder I wanted a smoke, my patch fell off who knows when, so my pants were gettin my nicotine!! Im gonna keep on plugging. Thank goodness for my trainer, it sure helps me get rid of this stupid energy I have tons and tons of for some reason.....


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Well Lets see how this works 01-03-2005 - 08:12 AM
It was suggested to me to start journalling by many. So here goes. Maybe I can find patterns and start to heal. If nothing else, I will have something to do in my life!

Yes i am feeling down again, mainly for the loss of a job I loved. Imagine, a job someone loves, and I was good at it. I tried to look at it as his loss, but he ripped out part of my heart. I made an effort to get to know my customers, and to know their likes and dislikes. Many of them I called Job Friends. They were all so kind and full of compliments of jobs well done. I increased the clientele and bought the lab up to snuff. The two girls in there wont and didnt put their heart and souls into that job. I feel so useless, like i let myself down. I guess I did. It was my idea to have the surgery, and I never should have done it, even though I have not had one sick or bad day since. Now, I cannot have the other baby I wanted or the job I wanted. Hmmm, two things for a simple surgery to feel better. What a loss....

I just am having such a hard time coping with the fact they fire no one, yet I got canned. I must be really special! And not in a good way. I didnt tolerate the crap that went on, and maybe that is why. it just burns my gullet to no end. They allow a thief to continue working but not someone who was sick, took steps to get better and had to have some time off.

i really am struggling with my sense of self. The new one. The old one keeps popping up, even with my use of Effexor. First the job then Lucifer...Real blows to the self confidence. The good think is I find myself praying when i go to bed. I really have no choice. Somedays I feel as though the only ones in the world who love me are God and my family. Quite often I feel frustrated on this board, and I guess it is part of the plan. To keep finding ways to talk so that people will listen, or the right words to soothe. I will definitely need those skills when I am done school so now is a wonderful time to hone them, and I am with loving women who wont attack me. I feel safe whereas in my job, I wont be able to make any mistakes...That would mean death over life, adn I dont want any of that on my conscience!

I really need to pick myself up, dust off my knees, and carry on, learning as i go, and not beating up myself for things beyond my control. I needed the surgery, and that is that. I had it, and too bad my boss was so little and petty he couldnt see it! I wish the other girls luck even though I want them to fail. It would be hard now because I did make sure that the customers had confidence in the lab, and those girls were very well trained to do that job.... I will be ok, and my life will go on. As a friend once told me, working there is like an abusive relationship. When you get out, run, dont look back!! I understand that concept all too well.....
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