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Lost two daughters, broken-hearted Lost two daughters, broken-hearted

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Unread 12-29-2002, 10:22 PM
Unhappy - Lost two daughters, broken-hearted Lost two daughters, broken-hearted

I'm facing surgery on Jan 15th. How does one recover when their heart is shattered and their hope completely gone? I have 4 teens, 3 daughters & a son. I was a wonderful mother, really, but my 15 year old daughter "V" with O.D.D. (oppositional defiance disorder...ie, hell on earth) is a continual source of bone shattering upset, and my 17 year old daughter "B" (no diagnosed psych problems) breaks my heart so deeply I have little reserves to cope with daily life. I have been horribly ill for the last year and they show me zero concern, even less compassion, and I believe my failing health has been worsened by their mistreatment and my pain over their lack of love for me. (I lost 25lbs in a month from being starved while bed-ridden) I have been dealing with "V" & her ODD since early childhood, it is hard to cope with but the commonplace with her behaviour does not match the crushing pain caused by my daughter "B's" sudden drastic change & her unfeeling heart. How can I recover when I have so much heartache and so little to hope for? I find myself even hoping for death on the operating table just to escape them. I am sorry for the depressing post.

Sincerely, Noelle
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Unread 12-29-2002, 10:55 PM
Lost two daughters, broken-hearted

Noelle, I wish that I had answers for you. I can only offer you lots of love and support. I do think that you need to talk to someone nearby about the way you're feeling. It's not good for you to feel so alone and depressed. Do you have a friend or family member close or a minister? Maybe you could talk to your dr, someone near who can offer you some support. You mentioned 4 children, can you rely on the two who aren't causing the problems? Have you told the two girls with the problems how you feel? Sometimes teens really just don't notice until it's pointed out to them. I really do hope that you'll talk to your dr about your feelings- especially about hoping for death. That's NOT good for you! Please remember that we ,here at Hysrersisters , do care about you!
Unread 12-30-2002, 12:35 AM
thank you

Thank you Jeanus for your reply. I wish I did have someone to talk to, but I don't, and the other two kids who don't cause me problems, well, one is blankly only concerned with her boyfriend, no time for me, & my son is so overburdened by my illness I refuse to burden him further. I have spoken to my minister who only tells me to pray & trust in God which is what I've done faithfully for years. My family is selfish & cold & despite my reaching out to them in occaional desperation, have turned a deaf ear. I have been trying in many ways to tell my girls what they are doing to me but one cusses me & the other looks straight through me without an expression on her face. I have no one & don't think I ever will. I am living in poverty but I think if I live through this surgery I will simply leave them even if I have to hitch-hike & live in a box on the street.
Thank you again Jeanus
God bless you
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Unread 01-04-2003, 11:11 AM
Best advice I ever got . . .

Hi Noelle,

I'm so sorry you're having such difficulties. I remember the years when I had three teen-agers who were behaving much as you describe yours. My son had severe emotional problems and eventually ended up in a group home and both my daughters were rebellious in their own ways. The best advice I ever got was to accept the fact that I could not (and should not) depend on my teenaged children for support. I know it seems that they ought to be able to give you the support that you need, but they have their own problems and they are at a developmental stage that requires them to do things to put distance between you. They need to grow away from you.

I didn't have anybody to talk to either, except for my very supportive husband, who has always been my rock. What I did do was see a therapist (actually, there have been a few over the years). What helped me was to be able to remember that I am the adult in the situation and even though my children are now all adults and I am proud of them, they are still my children and will always relate differently to me than they do to other adults. I am still learning to accept what they have to give and not expect anything more. I try real hard not to ask them to take care of me. It's not their job. Their job is to take care of themselves. Later, when they have their own lives in order and have acquired some maturity and wisdom, they will be a whole lot easier to be around!!

Unread 01-05-2003, 01:03 PM
Lost two daughters, broken-hearted

I'm not looking to my kids for support, I am not looking to them as friend's to talk to, what is upsetting to me is their complete lack of compassion. If your mother was so ill for months that even getting out of bed to walk to the bathroom was a threat to her life, would you let her lay there & quite literally starve or would you stick your head in the door every once in a while and say, "Hey mom, you want something to eat?" I went from 145lbs to 120lbs (WAY too little for my stature) because of their total lack of compassion for me! That is unaccepable and inexcusable, no matter what age they are! They sat there EMOTIONLESS while I cried because I kept passing out on the bathroom floor because I was so weak because of blood loss & lack of food, do you think they'd feel bad and even bring me a stupid bag of chips? No. They took advantage of me & my illness to run the streets till 3am, refuse to go to school for weeks, have parties in my livingroom while I lay unable to move in the next room. I was hospialized 3 times last month for blood loss so severe I could hardly move. They showed up reluctantly & then did nothing but sigh and check their watches because they wanted to go meet their friends & get high in the park. While they were there they ran through the hospital halls ripping down all the Christmas decorations! This is horrible behaviour for a child to display toward their mother. Is this "normal" teenage behaviour? No! I didn't act like that, without compassion, and neither do the other teens in the family. It's like my two daughters conscience just died.

There is so much more to this story of how my daughters treat me, how my sister betrayed me & ruined one daughter, how my X-husband buys drugs for that daughter, how no one will listen to me. It seems like every time I break down and reach out to people for help or simple understanding all I ever get back is the pat answer "They're teens, they're supposed to act that way." Like hell. Common does not make normal. My life with my daughters & sisters & X is beyond coping with. If I wrote_the details so you could understand it would encompass volumes of novels and I guarantee you'd be shocked! But nevermind. No one understands so I'll just suffer in silence like I always do.
Unread 01-07-2003, 02:29 PM
Lost two daughters, broken-hearted

((((((( KindredSpirit)))))))

Many s to you! Please don't suffer in silence! We are all here to help each other & even though some of what your sisters say may be upsetting, please understand that is NOT the intention & we all just really care!
You are having such a hard time & I know that no one means to minimize that. I can't know how bad it has been for you but I sure am sorry about your struggles & sadness.

Please forgive us if we don't always say the right thing, you know it's difficult to understand other's situations sometimes. But please know that your sisters really CARE, or they wouldn't even bother to respond.

There is much to be learned from each other, even if our experiences are different. I remember when I was post-op & the kids totally ignored me! Do I think that's ok? NO! DH called home from work & I actually cried like a baby & told him the kids were behaving as though they couldn't care any less about me!
Later, with some distance, I did realize that yes, it's very selfish behavior, & yes, it disappointed me greatly, BUT I understand that they were a bit upset by the whole thing & they ARE immature but that's cuz they're young & naturally self-absorbed. Wish my kids were like the Waltons but they aren't. After dh talked to them they came through, but you don't have anyone there to give you that kind of support. I think it's common for kids withoud dad in the house to run us over a bit. (I was a single mom for 10 years.) Maybe they are hopeless & will never come around. BUT maybe they do have something better than today's behavior lurking around inside themselves. It will emerge as they mature. I consider myself to be a very compassionate person but I can remember, with much shame, when I was young & my mom was bedridden with serious back issues. She was in constant pain & could have used some leg & back rubs, and even some company. I didn't want to be bothered, though, and really let her down. I am not that person today, however, and it's very possible your kids will grow up and move away from their bad behavior, too. It really is normal for most kids to push as far as they can, & unfortunately, when you're doing it alone it's SO tough to keep them in line.
It really does sound like you've had a terrible time & don't have the support system you deserve. I absolutely DO NOT want to sound like it's all ok for the kids to behave badly, but I guess the reality is you aren't going to be able to rely on them, right or wrong. I know it hurts but please keep in mind that they may very well change as they grow! It's true, I promise!
Please hang in there & keep coming here for support. This site is amazingly powerful & the caring & sharing that goes on really can keep you afloat. Talk to us, we'll listen!!!!!

Also, the suggestion of counseling is as good one. Perhaps if someone else talked to the kids about their bahavior & roles here, they'd pay more attention. You know how that is, we can talk til we're blue in the face & then someone else comes along and suddenly they hear it! Go figure!

I hope you can feel a bit better soon.
Take care & please know that I do not mean to offend you in any way & sure hope that I haven't!

s & s to you!
Unread 01-08-2003, 12:32 PM
Smile - Lost two daughters, broken-hearted Thinking of you

I will be thinking of you as you approach your surgery date. I am so fortunate to have a very supportive husband and son. I so wish you had the same. I can't begin to imagine what it is like for you. Please don't take this as pity. God bless you and keep you. Please let us all know how you are after you return home from the hosp. Take care!

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