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This is so hard ...
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05-24-2004, 01:13 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 125
Hysterectomy: June 2nd, 2004
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
With surgery about a week-and-a-half away, I am determined to try to stay as positive as possible. However, today I had to face a task which is far from positive.
I wrote letters to my husband, my son, and my daughter, to be read in the event of my death. My sister will be holding onto them and give them to them if I shouldn't make it through this surgery. I don't want my husband to even know they exist, as he doesn't want to face even the remote possibilty that something might go wrong. He's already feeling so much pressure, I don't want to add more right now. In addition to wanting to leave some last thoughts about my love for my family, I need to make sure my husband is aware of all the things he needs to know if I'm no longer around.
One of my biggest fears concerns my daughter, who is multiply handicapped. I know she would be devastated without me, as I have been her primary caretaker 24/7. And I can't imagine how my husband can continue to support himself and her and also see that she is taken care of 24 hours a day. I know my (grown) son would help somewhat, but we have never wanted him to totally sacrifice his life for his sister. While he certainly should help and will always be involved in her life, he shouldn't make the HUGE sacrifice of giving up his life to be with her---nor do I think he could actually do so. I barely can do so myself some days.
Somehow, as I make plans for her in the days after surgery, I find myself thinking that certain family members or friends would probably be willing to help with some aspect of her care once or twice after surgery. But then I find myself thinking, "But what if she needs to rely on others for the rest of her life, not just for a couple weeks? How will they ever manage?"
Okay, I'm close to tears now, so I have to just continue to plan the best I can and then accept what I cannot control. It is soooo hard though, and it makes me so sad.
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05-24-2004, 01:46 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 481
Hysterectomy: July 3rd, 2002
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
Hi,
I'm sending you ((HUGS)) and more ((HUGS)). You must be a very thoughtfull and loving person to put yourself though so much pain for the sake of your family. I believe you will gain strenth and peace of mind when you have finished this painfull task. I understand your concerns for your family. Love can conqure alot of things. It sounds like there is plenty of loving family & friends to help you now and I'm sure you due great at the castle. You'll fell helpless for awhile, but then anything that improve your quality of life is worth the risk. It's a shame that it takes a magor event, for most of us, to sit down and plan our childrens well being if they were to lose us. But I hope it give's you the peace of mind your looking for. I did the same thing, but did not tell anybody, except the counsler at the caslte. I had tried to talk to my family, but they wouldn't hear of it. I guess they thought I felt something might actually happen to me. The counsler was great, and kept my letters and my living will. She said she would return them to me after surgery.I will be thinking of you tonight and the next few weeks. If you want to talk, feel free to write to me.
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05-24-2004, 07:37 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 23,014
Hysterectomy: July 26th, 2002
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
((( PhilippaR )))
When I say that I understand what you're saying and how you feel about your daughter, I really mean it. My oldest daughter has cerebral palsy and I'm her caregiver. I worried a lot before my hyst about how I would care for her while I was in my initial recovery. With the help of my family and friends - we all did fine. Please accept any help offered and ask when more is needed. I did find that some people wait to be asked but are very willing to help.
I hope that you got some peace of mind with writing the letters - I didn't think of doing that. I'll also be praying that you get them back unopened and unneeded.
You sound like you're usually the strong one that others rely on. So now, it's your turn to cared for, let your family and friends help! I hope that all turns out well for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
s s
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05-24-2004, 10:53 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 125
Hysterectomy: June 2nd, 2004
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
Thanks to both of you for your thoughtful replies. You clearly both understand the mixed feelings I have at this time. I know that if I want to be a better caregiver and to continue in that role as long as possible I need this surgery. But I still can't ignore the risk that goes along with it.
My husband, son, and I have discussed many times what would happen if both my husband and I or just one of us were to die. We've worked out the "big things" to the extent possible, but it's the multitudes of little, but important things that go through my mind.
The same with our personal finances and household management. My husband and I share these chores, but there are certain things I just make sure get done which I don't think my husband would even think of. So I am trying to cover those, too. I guess I've just been going through my typical days and analyzed what would be REALLY important not to overlook and what can just be left to be worked out over time. Since I do tend to always want to be in control, I'm trying not to overdo the information.
Anyway, thanks again for your empathy. Hopefully, this will only be a small blip in all of our lives that willl soon be behind us.
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05-24-2004, 04:51 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 479
Hysterectomy: June 14th, 2004
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
PhillippaR----Honey, I can't really say I understand everything that you're feeling or going through right now, because I'm not walking in your shoes. But, please know that my thoughts are with you and your family. I wish there was more that I could do or say. So please accept this hug and know that you are all in my prayers!!!
I thought about writing letters to my family also. I'm still fighting with myself over this. I want to stay positive, but, realistisly speaking, if something were to happen, I would want my family to know exactly how I felt about each and every one of them. I know they know I love them-----but, you know life sometimes just gets in the way and we don't always say or show what's really in our hearts. Well, I still have a little over 2 wks to deal with this issue.
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05-24-2004, 05:11 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 125
Hysterectomy: June 2nd, 2004
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
Empressnormi,
Thanks for your kind words. I just felt compelled to write these letters. While my husband's letter contained an additional page of practical concerns, for the most part the letters just had to do with my love for them and hopes for their futures. Writing them was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and it brought me to tears, but it would have been even harder (for me) not to do so. It was cathartic to be able to express my feelings for each individual member of my family, and it was also eye-opening to read the different way in which I wrote to each of them. To my husband, I told him not only how much I love him but how much I respect and value him as a husband, father, and all around good man. I also assured him that, for his own sake as well as the sake of our children, I would want him to get back to enjoying life and living in the present, not the past, as soon as possible. To my son, a reminder not to be so hard on himself. He is in college right now and can hardly forgive himself for getting an occasional B instead of his usual A! I asked him to be kind---to himself and to others--and asked that he have patience with himself and others (especially his sister). To my daughter, who is multiply handicapped, I assured her of my love and that she CAN manage without me. I reminded her that she still has her father and her brother who are there for her. And I asked her to help them, as well.
As much as I would like to be indispensable and irreplaceable, I realize that I am not. Yes, it would be hard for my family to get along without me; but they would do it somehow. That has brought me a measure of peace, although I am admittedly still very nervous about the upcoming surgery and hospitalization.
For me, not writing these letters was never an option. If you feel in your heart that there are things you want to say to your family, then the most important thing is probably to say them NOW! Nothing I wrote in those letters is anything I haven't already said many times to my family. I guess, as I wrote in my son's letter, I just wanted to get the last word in! (He has my quirky sense of humor, so I think even when sad he would get at least a smile out of that comment.)
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05-24-2004, 05:41 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 53
Hysterectomy: July 1st, 2004
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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This is so hard ...
PhillippaR,
Bless your heart! You are such a thoughtful person to think about your family in this way! I can appreciate it to a certain point as my son is autistic but taking care of him is not too hard. He is a Mama's boy though. In fact all 3 of mine are so I am trying to prepare them for when Mama comes home from the hospital!!! Many s to you right now and may God grant you the peace you need at this time! You're in my thoughts and prayers!!
Barbara
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05-24-2004, 05:47 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 39
Hysterectomy: June 1st, 2004
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
Coming from someone who lost their dad suddenly at age 54 to a heart attack. I think what you have done is an awesome thing because even though he told us always how proud he was of us and how much he loved us there are those times when in despair not that I forgot but would have done anything to hear it one more time. For that reason I too am doing the same thing as you.
I am very optimistic about the outcome of my sugery and recovery. I just want them to have something to hold on to so that there is no question in their minds how I felt, and who knows maybe after I am completely recovered I will give it to them anyway. Especially with the constant headbutting between me and my 15 yr old dd she could use the extra reminder of just how much she means to me.
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05-24-2004, 06:03 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 125
Hysterectomy: June 2nd, 2004
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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This is so hard ...
Barbara,
Thanks for the encouragement. My daughter has some problems that seem to be in the autistic spectrum (perhaps Asperger's disorder/pervasive developmental disorder), so I know that dealing with some of the things that come up in that area are not easy. It's hard enough to raise kids these days, without the added burden of additional problems. I'm glad you keep such a positive attitude, though. Our surgeries are about a month apart, so hopefully I'll be back before your surgery to return the favor with some encouraging words for you.
TxLadyBug,
Thanks for confirming that this is a good thing for those who will be RECEIVING the letters and not just for me. I do want to tell them one last time how much I love them. And, boy, do I know what you mean about fifteen year-olds. I guess that's one thing I can be thankful for regarding my daughter's developmental delays. How many mothers of sixteen year-old girls receive at least weekly notes from their daughter saying, "I love you Mom"? That's gotta be worth something! You're having surgery just a day before I am. Hope to see you back here afterward so we can laugh at how concerned we were beforehand.
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