MIA mommy and my kids

I am scheduled for a total hysterectomy/BSO on January 18th due to unresolving endometriosis, with a history of other pelvic problems.

I used to be very active but(in hindsight) as my endometriosis progressed, i kept getting pulled further and further out of my kids' lives (now almost 8 and just turned 5, boy and girl respectively.)

I used to be a stay at home mom, and with my son i was pretty "idyllic" in that sense. even when my second born was young i did pretty well at doing it all, but over time, my symptoms of then-unknown endo were growing exponentially. over time, of course my son went to school, but my daughter was in daycare for longer and longer as i was able to do less and less.

fast forward to now, and if i have a super-good day, i can maybe push myself to walk around the block with my kids, after which i need to do nothing but lay for a few hours due to pain.

being totally honest i dont feel my daughter has memories of a time when i was not "sick" or "resting" and could not be disturbed aside from a short cuddle session. this all has left dad doing just about everything, and of course, if he needs to get something like dinner done, more often than not the TV goes on.

here is my actual problem:
today my daughter told me she likes TV better than mommy.

now of course i get that she IS only 5 years old. BUT.

It made me very sad and i went in the other room to try to brush it off.My son came in for cuddles. When my daughter's TV time was over, she came to cuddle me. She asked me at least 5 times when she could watch TV. Her dad told her to just enjoy her time with mommy, that kind of thing. About 10 minutes into cuddles out of nowhere, she says "but i really DO like TV better than Mommy."

well at that point i knew i was gonna start bawling so i had her dad take her out of the room.

Yea, kids say things they dont really mean, or understand...but she is being so insistent. and i also understand that she basically spends more time with TV than with me these days.
But what do i do? i feel horrible, i do try my hardest and push myself to spend all the time i can with the kids, but it's not enough....i already feel so much guilt over the whole situation, all these feelings about my upcoming surgery, etc. I dont know what to do about it, in my own head, or when interacting with her.

Any suggestions? or even just hugs.

thank you if you got this far. <3

TheSeeker

I'm sorry her words have hurt you. It's true you will have recovery time post op, but the hope is improvement in your health, and ability to spend more time with your kids, right? So soon you may be able to do those mom things you want. Could you watch TV with the kids as you rest? That may help as well. I hope this surgery fulfills your hopes, and allows you to be the mom you want to be again.