Clear thinking re H and kids?

One thing I am finding overwheliming is the amount of time my family has to put my needs first, as I am currently very limited in my physical abilities as the result of fast growing, painful, degenerating and overal evil fibroids. They (H and 17 and 11 year old sons) are wonderful, so no complaints. I will also be traveling for 11 out of the 21 days before surgery so they will already have plenty of non-mom time! On the whole they are fairly used to my traveling and H is a completely equal opportunity partner, doing all dishes, laundry, 80% of food shopping, 50% of food prep, half the kid driving and so on.

So I want to be able to rely on their help but only when I need to. Here is what I am thinking, and I would appreciate thoughts on whether this is good thinking or not:
1. Day of surgery -- kids go to school as usual, if time of admission overlaps with kid morning routine I can drive myself, park the car and H and 17 yr old can fetch it later.
2. Plan on having 11 year old go to schoolmate's home after school so H does not need to worry about 3:30 pick up or leave son at home if I need H at hospital. This is more complicated than it sounds as 11 yr old has anxiety disorder and hates any change in routine, just started new school... but I think he should be preoccupied with something other than my being in hospital.
3. I am not in a rush to have the kids visit me in hospital. They are used to my traveling for work and pleasure so my being out of the house won't be traumatic. I remember seeing my own mom after surgery when I was 12 and it was traumatic. I am planning on not having them visit, but since Hospital is only 5 minutes away they can always come if they want to on the spur of the moment.
4. My H is very stressed about his work hours. He has a new job since June and not that many leave hours saved up. Until I can drive he will have to do BOTH the 11 year old's school drop off and pick up, thus essentially working part time for weeks (17 year old just got liscence, but we are not keen on having hom rush home from school and drive into DC to pick up 11 year old) So --
a)Is there any reason I actually need H at hospital on day of surgery? If not, he can work that day and save time off for when I need him at home. (Although he may prefer to stay near me in the H. Also, he is terrible in hospitals and has no medical advocacy skills!)
b) For the rest of the time in the hospital, do I need him there for any reason? Again, it seems to me that I will need him at HOME, but in the hospital anything he could do to help me can be done by staff. I figure he can go to work, deal with kid pick ups and meals and stop by for a quick visit.
c) Will I actually need him 24/7 for the few days after I am home? Can he leave the house long enough to go to the store? Can he be out for several hours or should I cancel kid lessons? (Again, 17 year old "can" drive but has not yet driven alone on Beltway.)

Thanks! I want to happily rely on their help when I need to, but not waste their time or attention when I don'!
Susan

Hi Silver Sister,

I can totally understand your not wanting to cause any of your family any additional work. However, once you give the family permission to go about their usual business as you drive yourself in for your surgery, you must let them decide what they can and want to do.

Will you NEED your dh there during surgery? No, he is not a necessity. But, he may not be able to think about anything else during that time, so let him decide. Having my Dh had a tremendous calming effect on me. If he is not there, make sure that the nurses and Dr's know how they will be able to reach them if they need to.

Will you NEED him in the hospital for any reason after the surgery? Again, no, the hospital staff (nurses and aides) will see to your physical needs and care. You will sleep most of the first day. I was unable to sit up at all the first day, and my dh sat and fed me ice chips everytime I opened my eyes.

Will you need DH for the first few days while you are home? No. But, you should have someone there. If DS's cannot get themselves to their lessons, then lessons should be cancelled. You will not be able to take them anywhere. Have you read ourHysterectomy Checkpoints ? It is a very realistic guide to what you should and should not be doing during your recovery.

If you will not have anyone with you at home to help you, then be sure and let your Dr know. He may chose to keep you in the Castle for a little longer until you are able to better care for yourself.

I will repeat myself, because you sound like me in that you like making things run as smoothly as you can for them. However, if you give them the PERMISSION to carry on as normal with their lives, you must relax and accept it if they choose instead to alter their schedules to help you.

s,
Kay

Thanks! Here is my quick followup Q: I know I need someone at home for the days after surgery, but that does mean 24/7? Can caretaker leave the house at all, and if so for how long? (A few minutes to walk dog or drop off/pick up a kid? An hour to get milk, bread juice? Several hours to take kids on outing?) I'm not clear on this! S

Kind of depends on the surgery involved. I'm a TAH (2 large fibroids). Didn't really need anybody in the hospital during surgery or afterwards (you're so groggy you don't remember if they are there or not plus the nurses/staff take care of you). It's nice if they are there but if they aren't it's ok. Nice having visitors occasionally.

As for afterward, got out on Thursday afternoon (YOU WILL NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE YOU HOME)! My brother took Thursday and Friday off to stay with me but I kept telling him "scram" when he hovered, So 24/7? NAH! (Again it depends on the surgery.) He went back to work Monday and I did fine without anyone. Enjoyed my 6 weeks off tremendously. Been 10 months and no problems.

I am having some of the same stresses. Your dh needs to be there until you are put in a room and are awake a little. I thought about driving myself too.

My schedule:
Wednesday night - 7.5 y/o spends the night with a friend who will take her to school
Thursday morning - dh and I will take my 3 y/o with us since we have to be there at 7:00. When her daycare opens at 7:30 he will take her to daycare (which is only a couple of minutes away). He is kind of thinking of taking her to daycare after they wheel me away, which makes me a little nervous.
Thursday day - get to a room make sure I am ok then my dh will pick my 7.5 y/o from school and bring her to the hospital (if we both deem it is ok). If I am ok they will go and pick up 3 y/o and go home.
Friday - dh will drop off the girls at their usual places and come to the hospital.

I am a little nervous about going it alone that first night, just because I have had a previous bad experience. Although, I hope I am awake enough to watch Survivor LOL!

Good luck!

This is such a great site and such great women. I swear it's like I see my own thoughts written by someone else everyday.
I too am the mom who does it all and has a part-time (30/hr/wk) job. But I do all the running, appts, shopping, cooking; so this is going to be a huge eye-opener for all of us at my house. I have 2 in elementary school. I have already arranged for the kids to ride the bus to and from school now. I've already kinda worked thing into it although this morning they missed the bus, so I had to drive them in. As long as grandma is there when the bus drops off, I think I will be covered with their schedule. As for after school activities - that one has not been worked out yet. Some will just have to be cancelled for the first two weeks.
I have also decided (since I travel with work sometimes) that it is best if the kids don't see me in the hospital. My 9 yr old son will probably be okay with it, but I'm afraid my 6.5 yr old daughter will worry and cry even after she goes home. She has a very nervous stomache and has to take nexium everyday and pepcid ac as needed which has been on an almost everyday basis since my ER visit Saturday a week ago.
DH will have the option of either being at the hospital with me or staying with the kids and letting my mom stay with me at the hospital. Either one would be okay for me. It's whatever will make my DH the most comfortable. Although he was ready to call the doc this morning and give him an earfull on why we have to wait 3 weeks (I spent most of the weekend in the bed). Hopefully this is my last period before the surgery!!!
After surgery, I will probably let mom stay with us for a few days just so I and the kids get the attention we all need.
I am writing out my kids schedules (for medicine and afterschool activities) along with their doctors names and numbers, so that whoever is in charge that day will know what usually happens. I am also going to give one to each of the kids, so they can also keep up with what needs to happen each day - giving them both a little more responsibility can't hurt.
Any other advice would be greatly appreciated too. I've learned so much for everyone here.
I think if you're okay with doing most of the hospital by yourself (or maybe with a close friend or relative); then DH can do his normal schedule (sometimes that helps with their overactive thoughts) and then when you come home, he will be able to take time off then. Try and schedule it for you to come home on a Friday or something so he will have the weekend without work worries. But always leave it up to him for the final decision. I tend to tell my DH what will happen and have learned there has been times where he wanted to go to the doctor's with me and I never even asked him. So, key is to always include him on all the decisions - it makes them feel better.
Just my 2 cents.