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Husband just doesn't get it, 24 days post hysterectomy Husband just doesn't get it, 24 days post hysterectomy

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  #1  
Unread 10-24-2021, 03:19 AM
Husband just doesn't get it, 24 days post hysterectomy

I'm 24 days post op from a robotic assisted surgery. I have literally in tears begged my husband to be a little more empathetic to the fact that I just had a major surgery and that I won't be able to be my normal energetic do everything for everyone in the house self for awhile.

I had the surgery because my Dr found sizeable tumor with precancerous cells in my uterus, I had stage 4 endometriosis with adhesions everywhere, adenomyosis, severe PCOS. The Dr basically told me he had to scrape out my pelvic region to remove the endometriosis that was everywhere.

I've been in quite a bit of pain tonight because I know I overdid it last night and today playing and caring for my toddler. I can't sleep because of the pain, so I left to come down stairs so I wouldn't keep him awake with my muffled crying. He came down and was so cold to me, asking me if I was really in pain or if it was all in my head because according to him I shouldn't be in pain 3 weeks after surgery that only left 3 small scars.

I've tried to explain it to him the way my Dr told me to explain it to him but it's like talking to a wall. Meanwhile he had a cold last week and guess who was taking care of him because he was obviously dying. I just do so much for everyone else in this house, I just wish he could show me a fraction of the care and concern I do for him. Even my 2 year old hugged me tonight and said "mommy doesn't feel good?" Like a 2 yr old can comprehend that I'm not feeling well but to my spouse it's all in my head.

Like am I being unreasonable wanting him to be a little more supportive right now?

Sorry for the book.
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  #2  
Unread 10-24-2021, 05:00 AM
Husband just doesn't get it, 24 days post hysterectomy


It's not fair, is it? When a man has a minor illness, he treats it like a major catastrophe, but when a woman has major surgery, she's expected to carry on as if nothing has happened. When I had my surgery, I was caring for my elderly father, who had cognitive issues and could not understand why I couldn't do everything I was doing for him before the surgery because I was too tired, too sore, or otherwise restricted. Even though you only had a few small incisions, you still had an organ removed from your body, and multiple sets of blood vessels and connective tissues cut and sewn or cauterized, and your ovaries may have temporarily shut down because their main blood vessel - the uterine artery - has been severed. It's been said that the only thing more major than a hysterectomy is open heart surgery, so the next time your husband confronts you on this, I suggest asking him if he would expect to be back to normal less than 3 weeks after a triple bypass; I also recommend our companion site Misterhystersisters, where he can receive man-to-man support and information on what you're going through, so he can be more supportive. Best wishes for dealing with him, and for continued health and healing!
  #3  
Unread 10-24-2021, 06:23 AM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it.

I didn’t want to read and not send hugs.

I had my op the day before you, so know exactly where you are in recovery right now except I don’t have the external incisions so literally nothing to show I have had major surgery. Only 3 small scars you can see, what about the dozens inside you can’t. I am thankful my husband is as supportive as he can be, but the kids don’t really comprehend why I can’t sweep the floor, walk the dogs, pick up their dirty laundry etc.

I am still in pain, more back pain now but it only subsides if I literally do nothing.. in a busy household that isn’t always an option but it is important that you rest as much as you can and allow yourself to heal.

I haven’t visited the mister section so don’t know if that helps or not, but it might be helpful in his understanding of just what you have been through and had done.

Massive hugs xxx
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  #4  
Unread 10-24-2021, 04:20 PM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it.

my ex husband was the same way. having experienced that first hand, I would never ever put up with that behavior again. if it's really bothering you, tell him. set things straight. change things. you shouldn't be treated that way. and he does get it, he just doesn't want to be bothered.
  #5  
Unread 10-24-2021, 04:39 PM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He’s more than being unreasonable, he’s being a disrespectful, cold jerk. And he’s modeling it to your toddler.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
  #6  
Unread 10-24-2021, 05:18 PM
Husband just doesn't get it, 24 days post hysterectomy

Shame on him!! Mine was very very caring and wouldnt let me do anything myself for weeks! He was nervous that I would hurt myself so I had to be the one to tell him that Im ok now and I can do things. This is how husbands should be!

  Quote:
Originally Posted by SincityJenn View Post
I'm 24 days post op from a robotic assisted surgery. I have literally in tears begged my husband to be a little more empathetic to the fact that I just had a major surgery and that I won't be able to be my normal energetic do everything for everyone in the house self for awhile.

I had the surgery because my Dr found sizeable tumor with precancerous cells in my uterus, I had stage 4 endometriosis with adhesions everywhere, adenomyosis, severe PCOS. The Dr basically told me he had to scrape out my pelvic region to remove the endometriosis that was everywhere.

I've been in quite a bit of pain tonight because I know I overdid it last night and today playing and caring for my toddler. I can't sleep because of the pain, so I left to come down stairs so I wouldn't keep him awake with my muffled crying. He came down and was so cold to me, asking me if I was really in pain or if it was all in my head because according to him I shouldn't be in pain 3 weeks after surgery that only left 3 small scars.

I've tried to explain it to him the way my Dr told me to explain it to him but it's like talking to a wall. Meanwhile he had a cold last week and guess who was taking care of him because he was obviously dying. I just do so much for everyone else in this house, I just wish he could show me a fraction of the care and concern I do for him. Even my 2 year old hugged me tonight and said "mommy doesn't feel good?" Like a 2 yr old can comprehend that I'm not feeling well but to my spouse it's all in my head.

Like am I being unreasonable wanting him to be a little more supportive right now?

Sorry for the book.
  #7  
Unread 10-24-2021, 05:21 PM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it.

  Quote:
Originally Posted by SincityJenn View Post
I'm 24 days post op from a robotic assisted surgery. I have literally in tears begged my husband to be a little more empathetic to the fact that I just had a major surgery and that I won't be able to be my normal energetic do everything for everyone in the house self for awhile.

I had the surgery because my Dr found sizeable tumor with precancerous cells in my uterus, I had stage 4 endometriosis with adhesions everywhere, adenomyosis, severe PCOS. The Dr basically told me he had to scrape out my pelvic region to remove the endometriosis that was everywhere.

I've been in quite a bit of pain tonight because I know I overdid it last night and today playing and caring for my toddler. I can't sleep because of the pain, so I left to come down stairs so I wouldn't keep him awake with my muffled crying. He came down and was so cold to me, asking me if I was really in pain or if it was all in my head because according to him I shouldn't be in pain 3 weeks after surgery that only left 3 small scars.

I've tried to explain it to him the way my Dr told me to explain it to him but it's like talking to a wall. Meanwhile he had a cold last week and guess who was taking care of him because he was obviously dying. I just do so much for everyone else in this house, I just wish he could show me a fraction of the care and concern I do for him. Even my 2 year old hugged me tonight and said "mommy doesn't feel good?" Like a 2 yr old can comprehend that I'm not feeling well but to my spouse it's all in my head.

Like am I being unreasonable wanting him to be a little more supportive right now?

Sorry for the book.

Let me assure you that you are not being unreasonable. I am so sorry that you are not getting the support you need and deserve.
That being said I am going to say it straight...This is when you need to put yourself first, if you do not take care of yourself, you may end up with serious problems that affect your recovery and outcome. Say no to things that are detrimental to your recovery. It doesn't sound like he is going to change at this point and you can deal with his lack of concern once you are healed.
Just because you look fine doesn't mean you are inside. As I have been told: This is major surgery not just with the organ removal, but with blood vessels and ligaments severed, connective tissue cut, nerves and muscles stretched. Whatever was bleeding was stitched or cauterized. not to mention the emotional toll. All of it needs time to heal. There are videos he can watch if he is in doubt.
Please focus on yourself so you can be there for your child. Do you have family members who can help you? Do not hesitate to ask for help from those who care about you.
Please know that you have found a wonderful community of women here who will care for and support you. I care.
and
  #8  
Unread 10-25-2021, 12:12 AM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it.

Sincity,

I’m a little shocked.

First and foremost you’re not being unreasonable. You’re asking for less than the minimum.

Have you considered playing a hysterectomy surgery video where he’s sure to see it? Maybe write him a letter/text describing everything that was done, sutured, cauterized and taken out of you?

If you don’t think these ideas will help, and this is simply how he is when it comes to you and your healthcare, or there’s an underlying issue that’s causing this, maybe have a close family member or friend come help You during the day?

You only have one chance to heal properly. Doing the house work, cooking, cleaning, and lifting are not going to help you heal properly. Maybe someone in his family could speak with him? As another sister mentioned, doing too much can cause health issues and even more surgery later.

You just had major abdominal surgery, your pain is not an indicator of healing. I’ve been pain-free for over a week, probably more like over two, but I’ve read over and over again that we aren’t fully, completely healed for 4 to 6 Months. So even if you were without pain, you are still healing. I’m trying really hard to only consider what will help you in this moment, but I do have to say you deserve better treatment and consideration from your husband.

Please take it easy, take care of yourself, and find a way to help yourself heal. I can only imagine that you have to be upset and frustrated and beyond your ability to find a solution. Please find help. You’re incredibly strong for making it this far.





  Quote:
Originally Posted by SincityJenn View Post
I'm 24 days post op from a robotic assisted surgery. I have literally in tears begged my husband to be a little more empathetic to the fact that I just had a major surgery and that I won't be able to be my normal energetic do everything for everyone in the house self for awhile.

I had the surgery because my Dr found sizeable tumor with precancerous cells in my uterus, I had stage 4 endometriosis with adhesions everywhere, adenomyosis, severe PCOS. The Dr basically told me he had to scrape out my pelvic region to remove the endometriosis that was everywhere.

I've been in quite a bit of pain tonight because I know I overdid it last night and today playing and caring for my toddler. I can't sleep because of the pain, so I left to come down stairs so I wouldn't keep him awake with my muffled crying. He came down and was so cold to me, asking me if I was really in pain or if it was all in my head because according to him I shouldn't be in pain 3 weeks after surgery that only left 3 small scars.

I've tried to explain it to him the way my Dr told me to explain it to him but it's like talking to a wall. Meanwhile he had a cold last week and guess who was taking care of him because he was obviously dying. I just do so much for everyone else in this house, I just wish he could show me a fraction of the care and concern I do for him. Even my 2 year old hugged me tonight and said "mommy doesn't feel good?" Like a 2 yr old can comprehend that I'm not feeling well but to my spouse it's all in my head.

Like am I being unreasonable wanting him to be a little more supportive right now?

Sorry for the book.
  #9  
Unread 10-25-2021, 10:07 AM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it.

I'm with everyone else here. The external incisions belie what went on inside, and there's nothing minimal about it. Brocky described this surgery, so I'll not repeat it aside from saying that healing has to be thought of in terms of MANY weeks. At 3 weeks you're still early in the process - you're not yet cleared by your doctor to do anything that will engage your abs. That includes housework and picking up your toddler. By doing too much (for what? to please him?), you are putting yourself at risk for needing additional surgery either now or later.

We have a site just for our guys, MisterHysterSisters with a useful FAQ for guys who just don't get it. Questions like "I keep thinking my wife should be feeling better. Could she still be in pain? She sleeps a lot! The doctor said 6 weeks to recover. What's taking so long?" It sounds like that's what your husband is thinking - and he needs to get on board with some kind of clue!

You do need to have a sit down talk with him. Go through these resources yourself first, and see what you might find useful.Two more suggestions: 1) have him watch this video of DaVinci surgery (referenced in our Video Libary), and if he still thinks you ought to be 100% by now, 2) have HIM talk to your doctor about why you're not where HE thinks you should be. He or she will likely tell him the same thing we are saying.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For you, sweet & stressed lady, and at the risk of link overload,
you might find these resources helpful in knowing what to expect during these first weeks:You are NOT alone!

  #10  
Unread 10-26-2021, 09:15 AM
Re: Husband just doesn't get it, 24 days post hysterectomy

Find the people who have your back, NOW… whoever they are. Anyone who has said, “If there’s anything you need…” Take them up on their offer!!! Give them assignments (shopping, laundry, cleaning, meal prep, entertaining your little one).

People genuinely want to do something concrete to help you… heaven knows I do after reading this!

I hope your husband realizes how precious you are, and that this is YOUR time. You’re not selfish or unreasonable. You’re a woman who’s just been through a major, life changing health event. You absolutely deserve support and the opportunity to heal.

Please investigate the resources suggested. This community is sending powerful support and love your way! Hang in there!!!
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