Fuming, Irritated, Disappointed......

I just have to get this off my chest. DH has decided he wants me to clean my brother's bathtub 5 days before my surgery. My brother is very heavy and very lazy. He has never done anything for anybody his entire life. He reaps the benefits of other people's kindness because he feels he's entitled to it. He won't go to the doctor unless somebody (namely me) will take him. I have run back and forth over the past 5-6 years getting him in/out the hospital. He's now collecting disability benefits and has gotten heavier and lazier. DH feels the need to bathe my brother so DH wants me to go to my brother's apartment (which is a 50 minute drive) to get the bathtub ready so he can clean my brother. My back is hurting from the pressure of the fibroids. I am not in any condition, mentally or physically, to do that. My plan was to keep myself relaxed for surgery and do pleasant things the days prior to surgery. I'm sure my brother's bathroom has not been cleaned in the 16 months he has been in the apartment. He has never done any housework.

Maybe I'm being selfish but I feel I have a right to tend to myself for a change. Now, I'm feeling guilty about even having the surgery that I have put off for over 5 years. I feel like crying sometimes but then other times I feel like coming out swinging.

Cess, you are NOT being selfish! The days leading up to your surgery are needed for you to make peace with the whole thing --- a major life event --- and complete the preparations necessary for you to get through it with flying colors. You deserve NOTHING LESS!

I know you didn't ask for advice, so I apologize in advance for offering advice right now. I never used to be bossy, but I have gotten good at it in the nine weeks since my op. Practice makes perfect!
(I live with all men, too.)

If I were you, here's what I'd do: tell DH that you're going to call a cleaning service to take care of your brother's mess, and have them send him the bill. Then I'd DO IT!

God bless you, sweetie, you don't need this...stand your ground now, or you might regret it for a loooong time. DB needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and stop calling on you to enable whatever it is that he's doing.

You'll actually be doing both your DB and your DH a favor by breaking the chain of events (dependency) unfolding here.

Take the time you need for yourself! I've learned the hard way that if you don't TAKE it, no one will GIVE it to you.

Sending you big s!

Amoreena

Oh, I'm fuming too!!!

HURRAY for the cleaning service idea!! For sure, you don't need to be doing that kind of stuff before surgery. Take it easy on yourself and enjoy!!!

Sometimes our DH or DB or family don't seem very sensitive to what is happening to us. In some cases, I believe that they are insensitive... but for the most part, they have NO idea of what's ahead for us, the stress, recovery, etc. And they don't know how hard it has been for us to go through what we've been through for *fill in the blank* time. Sometimes it takes some gentle nudging... sometimes a blow up... but hopefully you will find a way to communicate this to DH.

Hugs,
Lisa

What kind of disability does your brother have may i ask that he cant clean himself (yoiur husband actually bathes a grown man ? If he is truly unable to bath himself and disabled they have programs he can qualify for to have nurses aids come in to help him bath and also do light house work. They have meals on wheels for him to be fed etc... Dont let him tromp on you you need to take care of yourself first not your brother. Good luck and i hope this didnt offend you or your brother as i can understand if he is really disabled but he can learn to bath himself if he tries even with disabilities.
Tango

I'm all for the cleaning service but dh says we need to go in to pick the place up before the cleaning service can clean. I need to blow off steam because I have a raging temper. I don't want to get myself upset this close to surgery. I plan to tell dh that I appreciate his concern for my brother but it's not for me to clean someone else's mess. Particularly a mess that has accumulated over many, many months. I also plan to tell dh that I'm going to relax during these few days prior to my surgery. If he has a problem with that then he has a problem with me.

Amen, sister.

Sounds like you've got a good grip on the situation. And you can always vent to us...that's what we're here for!

Good luck...we'll be pulling for you to have a successful op next week.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. I've noticed that our sisters "get it" like nobody else does!

Keep smiling,

Amoreena

I see this every day in my line of work... adults who can't (and/or won't) take care of themselves. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this so close to surgery.

Believe me, the cleaning services out there have seen it all. You don't need to pre-clean, especially if you are very specific with them - that you just want the bathroom cleaned (or whatever else you want.)

Relax, rest, then vent and fume all you want to us here!

Tangodancer, I'm not offended. Throughout time my brother has been extremely lazy. He was never one to bathe himself on a daily basis even before he started collecting disability. He receives disability benefits from social security. That has been about 6 months now. He has always been extremely overweight which has led to his health problems. Dh feels the need to help my brother which I appreciate.

I am working on getting my brother professional assistance. But for some reason, dh wants to play hero. Perhaps he feels I'm copping out by not doing the physical work for my brother.

Thank you so much Sisters.



P.S. Oh, today my brother told me he wants me to do his taxes. Ya know, I must have left my cape at the cleaners 'cause I'm sure not feeling like Superwoman these days. My surgery is 3/15. At this point I barely know my name.

Hi CessSecart,

You need to look after No1.........YOU! You are facing major surgery and need to focus on being relaxed and channelling all your energy into your recovery.

While it's great you've helped your brother all this time your hubby needs to understand that your health is most important now.

Call in the cleaning service and if it's that bad they'll charge him accordingly, then perhaps he'll get off his behind and do something if he's has his hip pocket hurt. You need to stop proping him up!

Take care and look after yourself.........Karen

I have such great Sisters!!! 's It's good to talk things out. I wanted to relieve myself of the guilt of having this surgery because for ONCE within the last 22 years I would be the focus of intention. The other time was when I had a baby.

I know I have sacrificed myself for others, as I know all of you have too. When dh broke his ankle four years ago, I had to take care of him. He felt bad about being helpless but he needed my attention. I didn't put any stress on him. I absorbed a lot of things so that he could recover. The numerous times my brother has been in/out of the hospital, I was there for him. I would do his shopping for him and buy fresh clean clothes for him to wear. I wasn't going to do his laundry because I knew his things were a mess.

Deep in my heart I know I have to look out for #1, which I plan to do. I may hurt some feelings along the way but I'm sure those hurt feelings will mend. Just like my hurt feelings will mend.

Thank you for being here for me. 's