Husband Vs. Hysterectomy?

Hi Ladies! It's my first time posting here and I've searched and read all I can but I still have a question I can't find info or an answer on. First we'll cover my history, then the question.

I had Novasure Ablation on Aug 2006....Worked for a bit, Doc said he got a "complete" burn, things looked good. Less than one year later and I'm back to prolonged bleeding. Not heavy like most of you ladies, but clotty and constant. *sigh* I was given the choice of Hysterectomy or ablation at the time and after MUCH discussion with DH we chose ablation. Now that I'm back to the same bleeding problems I have a new appointment with a new OB/GYN Doc next week.

Ok, here's the question.....Have any of you had a reluctant hubby who did NOT want you to get a hysterectomy? My DH is pretty adament that I do NOT get one! (if you don't want TMI, quit reading here please!) He says he feels it would feel "different" in there and it would end our sex life! I've read about the vaginal cuff and all the other posts on a continued sex life but I'm not finding much info from a male point of view. I don't even know at this point (since I haven't gone to Doc yet) if this is even a problem but it's creating a HUGE strain in my marriage. I can't argue with hubby about how he "feels" since we all have a right to our feelings.....but I'm really tired of wearing a pad 20 or more days out of the month! And he just doesn't seem to understand. I'm torn between making MY life better and possibly losing DH? Any comments are welcome......Thanks in advance!

Hey! Just because you have a hysterectomy doesn't mean things will feel different to your hubby. I had a LSH/BSO so that means I still have my cervix!(no vaginal cuff) My DH can't even tell a difference. Talk to a dr and see what your options are and take your dh with you! Good luck!

Well, you could point out to him, that once you recover, you WON'T be bleeding half the month which opens the opportunity for MORE sex not less. And not having to worry about birth control is a huge plus, too. Have him go with you to the doctor to discuss the concerns.
I am only 3 wks postop but my husband is very happy about the prospect of not having to worry about birth control or causing me to bleed every time we have sex.
Bottom line, if he loves you, he will support what is right for your health. Good Luck!

Dear Dark 04,

Of course you are worried about your husband's reaction, and it's understandable why you might have this question. To me, it seems as if you are posing the question in terms of your health (i.e., having hyst) versus your marriage (having husband). That is the part that is hard to hear, for me.

If your husband equates his hubby-hood to his sexuality with you, and not with your other personal intimacies -- hugging, holding your hand, helping you with the grocery bags (or better yet, doing the shopping and cooking), etc. -- then your question probably has more to do with how you might make your marriage work better for you, in my humble opinion. I think Morganlady might be on to a good track -- if he loves you, his life with you, his marriage, everything about your couple-hood, then he would want you to feel happy with your body and would want you to have better health.

There is an interesting book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman. Chapman suggests that there are five ways that we express love to our mates, and he does say that one of those five is sexuality (physical touch), and he associates this a little more with men than with women, if I recall. That fact that you have this question at all seems to me your own love language might be what Chapman labels as Acts of Service, or perhaps it is Quality Time. But what do I know, not knowing you. It does sound, though, like a really honest heart-to-heart with hubby might be in order, and perhaps getting hold of and reading this book together might help you both understand your own situations and why it has come down to a question of a hyst versus your husband.

In my situation, I found intercourse very painful, and my husband simply said, Look, if it hurts, then we just aren't going to express ourselves this way. And so we do other things together that have proven equally as rewarding. Do I miss the way it used to be, sure, but I miss lots of things about life that have passed me by, and one way of being sexual is just one those things I used to do. My husband has put my physical wellbeing first. Maybe that's because we've determined his primary love language is Acts of Service.

I hope you can have a good talk with your husband soon. And I wish for you wellness and good comfort in body and soul.

Blueheron2003

Dark -

Honestly, sex is different. Its still good, but it is different. I did keep my cervix so I don't think anything probably 'feels different' in there.

You have to ask yourself if you have tried all the options and are now at a point where you are tired of trying things and willing to pursue a permanent solution?

With ragards to DH, mine was very concerned early on about my having a hyst. He wanted to talk about options and was this really neccesary. IN the end, he came around and said my health was the most important thing, and he would stand behind whatever I decided. But it did take a while to get him there, even once he knew this is what I wanted.

Weird thing is, he did the same thing with my lap. I took him with me to my first consult in Feb and he was like 'what surgery?' At that point I had been in pain again since mid October. I had had enough. But I tried one last thing, and his reluctance was a big part of that. When that didn't work out, he was nervous but supportive when I scheduled my lap.

I wonder if your DH's comments are maybe in part what he's thinking but also in part a way to hide behind other things rather than admit the surgery scares him?

I understand the pressure our DH's influences have in our choices. But really at worst they are just delays, we have to do whats best for your health. If you believe this is the right choice for you, you have to nudge him along and have faith that he wouldn't throw away a marriage in sickness when all you are trying to find is health.

Julie

Thanks for the replies gals! I guess at this point, I'm not even sure that there are any other alternatives. But then again....I never even heard of the ablation until I went to the Doc for this specific problem. *sheepish grin* I'm not normally a "sick" person so going to the doc is kind of strange for me.
A bit of background might help though. There's several factors at play here that "I Think" are playing on hubby's emotions. I am 40 years old and my mom passed away at 50 from breast cancer. It took three years of counceling for me to finally admit that I was ANGRY at her for "choosing" to die rather than fight the cancer. She chose hospice and hubby was a golden child through all of it! But he was right there to the end and watched the whole scene, step by step, from beginning to end. On several occasions he has made off the cuff comments about how after hyst a woman is just never the same and the female problems snowball.
Before the ablation I spent over a year trying other things. some kind of med to stop the bleeding (which didn't work) I had my tubes tied quite a while ago so BC wasn't a problem plus I am a smoker so also a no-no for me, I had the biopsy (normal, noncancerous) and for the ablation itself I had hysteroscope, D & C, and ablation.
I've read a second ablation has an even smaller chance of working so I don't think that's an option. I guess when I go to the doc's I'll find out more....hubby's not going with me to the first appointment.(new patient work up, I don't think any descisions will be made) but I'm quite sure he will
go IF we have to discuss any other options or alternatives.
I can't thank you enough for the support and understanding you all show....I think you all are right and it's time for a real sit down, no interuptions, heart to heart talk, between hubby and myself. What he wants, what I want, what's viable and what's not. Thanks ladies.....I'll keep you updated!

Dark -

Doesn't is sometimes feel great to 'throw everything out there' and see your path? Or at least the next step with peace of mind?

I will be thinking positive for you and your husband. This certainly is easier with their support.

Julie

I was worried my DH would be the same way but he has been wonderful. All he is concerned with is my health. Since my visit to the er he and my daughter has taken over all the house work. I thank God for all the support. I agree take him to the DR visit with you.

Actually mine was my choice, it was my pain/my choice. I never actually asked DH if I *could* have one, not that it would have meant much difference to him either way..he supported my choice..He was more worried about problems with my bladder etc. that he had read about then sex.
After talking to many women IRL that have had surgery, it appears there is no difference to the feel of the vagina, especially since that in itself is not removed, maybe shortened if the cervix is removed..but even then you are talking about a very very small amount, not like you lose inches up there. In the 40's the natural things start to shift anyway...lubrication can be okay one time, the desert the next regardless of how you feel..that I learned in the last 3 years or so...<I am 46>
IMHO I would get him to read up a little on it and ask him exactly how he *thinks things will feel different*.

lori aka jaboomer