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Should I Tell My Mother? Should I Tell My Mother?

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Unread 04-18-2002, 08:25 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

My mother has never been emotionally available, and she is very weird when it comes to things like death, hospitals, etc. A couple months ago I tried to tell her I've been seeing a doctor (so I could break her in for the possibility of this now certain surgery), but she didn't want to talk about it. Neither of us has brought it up to each other again.

Part of me says she should know, but I'm afraid if I tell her she'll go freakazoid, blow her blood pressure, take a fistful of Xanax to calm down, etc., and worry her head off (because that's what she's good at--if she doesn't have a reason, she manufactures one). If I don't tell her, she'll complain I don't tell her anything. We're not very close to start with, and it's not like she'll come visit me at the hospital, and probably not at home either until I'm completely back on my feet. In other words, there will be no support from her, and I accept that, but if history repeats itself, she will try to talk me out of this (and I don't need that) and get mad if I don't follow her advice. AAGGGHHHH!

The easiest thing is to not tell her, and let her find out however she finds out, but that may put us back to not speaking for months (again).

Any advice, Sisters?
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Unread 04-18-2002, 08:29 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

If that is the way she is not liking hosp., doc's. etc. I wouldn't tell her, let her find out, and if she gets mad at you for not telling her, just let her know you didn't want to get her upset knowing she does not like hearing things like that.

She will get over it.

Unread 04-18-2002, 08:41 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Sounds like you've answered your own question. If you know it's not a good idea to tell her, and you're not close, then there doesn't seem to be any point. I know some people are close to their mothers and it would seem absurd not to tell them something as important as this. But, like you, I was not close with mine and can completely understand that this is not something that you tell people if they are not supportive and you are not close to them.
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Unread 04-18-2002, 08:50 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

I agree. Don't tell her.. You'll be able to handle her better later. I know about problems with DM. I have never had the wonderful relationship with my DM as others. If she was like your DM sounds like I would definetly tell her after. You don't need anymore things to worry about now. Worry later. Yeah I like that, worry later.
Unread 04-18-2002, 09:09 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

I'd tell her, but not before surgery. Send her a note from the hospital. You can apologise in the note and say you were so emotionally distraught that you 'forgot' to say anything before because you didn't think it would be important enough to upset her with.
Unread 04-18-2002, 09:53 AM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Thanks to all who responded--I was thinking I'd be a rotten person if I didn't tell her. I know that's the easy way out, I just wasn't sure it was the right way. You know, the "do unto others. . ." If it were my daughter, I'd want to know, but if I had a daughter, I hope I would have been a better, more involved and understanding mother.
Unread 04-18-2002, 10:09 AM
to tell or not to tell

I'm 7 months post op. I have never told ANYONE in my family. I had a scope to deal with adhesions 4/5. They also don't know about that procedure, nor the d&c I had nearly a year ago. They had no idea that I was having any medical problems at all, and we see them a couple of times a month.

As far as I'm concerned, they will never need to know.

Every family is different. I made a decision that worked best for me, my dh, and our two teen sons. My life was stressful enough without adding an onslaught of "you're making the wrong decision", "you need a different doctor", "you must have cancer",
etc etc etc.
Unread 04-18-2002, 12:28 PM
Should I Tell My Mother?

A caveat (warning) not to keep your family completely in the dark about certain medical procedures. When my grandmother died, my uncle refused to tell my mom what she died from. After much prodding, years in fact, he finally said it was stomach cancer. The way he said it, we're not totally convinced what it was. He had also ordered the doctor not to reveal the condition to anyone else. (This was almost 30 years ago and what the executor said, went.) Cancer was a bad word, and reproductive cancer was worse. Her mother had died of uterine cancer. She was diagnosed with the same fibroids as her mother. So was my mother. So was I.

Since my mother and I were at risk, we should have been told earlier. If you have anything for which a sister, mother, or daughter might be at risk, please forego the family feuds and tell them.
Unread 04-18-2002, 12:44 PM
Should I Tell My Mother?

Seems like families can be touchy subjects, sometimes. My brothers and sisters-in-law are aware of my upcoming surgery. They are as undecided as I am as to whether or not to tell her, because if she freaks, she won't speak to me, and my brothers will be left to deal with her hysteria, which, believe me, is no easy task. It could take weeks, and they have jobs and families of their own. This occurs every time something "big" happens. This is the first time the something "big" is me, and I'm having a harder time dealing with it. On top of the surgery, like everyone else!! I think I'd rather change my name and move across the country! Told you I was a great big baby weenie chicken!
Unread 04-18-2002, 01:06 PM
Tell Later

I have to agree about telling her later. I made the mistake of telling my mom, now I am more stressed out then before. I am not close to my mom either. Of course, with my mother it is a competition thing (who is more sick?). She doesn't like it that I am having surgery and she is not. Of course, I would be happy to trade places!!! This would be pathetic, if it wasn't funny. I have to look at it that way or I'll start crying.

Take care and let me know what you decided.

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