Help me please! Husband doesn't seem to care or understand.

Dear Sisters,

Please someone help me. My surgery- a TAH/BSO and more- is this Monday-4 days away. I am obviously scared, worried about something going wrong and saddened that my body was never able to produce another child (had one, miscarried 3)-- the ususal feelings.

My Husband, on the other hand, makes it all so worse. He puts doubts in my head and complains about the hospital (it's one we've never been to), the Doc (although he loved him when he delivered out child- I had issues, he saved the day and both of us, literally)-- says I don't need off work for 5 weeks (I really should be taking more with an abdominal and all the repair work), and that I hate my job and am using this as an exuse to take off from work. Then he reminds me of all I have to do before "I'm out" and then said he can take care of the house but once I feel better, I'll need to take over everything to make up for all he did while I was in bed. Ohmigod-- I can't take the pressure!

I was worried about him because he's not good with sick people, Docs or hospitals- he'll just make me nervous prior to the OR and just stare at me while I'm on a morphine buzz (done it before- trust me- I know) What can I do?

I've printed off the men's part on this site- He may or may not read it. Anything else? Please help me. I'm crying so much I can barely see the screen...

SubieLou

This is an awful thing to have to face when you're getting ready for surgery. Since you say he's not good with sick people, this may be his way of coping. He might just be in denial to make himself feel better. If you have a good relationship with this doc (and it sounds like you do) why not ask him to talk to your husband? Maybe while you are in recovery, he could explain to your husband exactly what he did and what he (the doctor) expects of you to speed your healing--in other words, what you must not do in order to heal.
There is a site, pelvicfloor.com, that has photos of an actual hysterectomy. If he insists that this isn't a big deal, those pictures just might change his mind.
Good luck!

I'm sorry your husband is being such a poopy head. He is scared and this is how he deals with it. I hope that's all....Get lots of WOMAN around you to take care of you after, they are much better at it and understand. Don't have him stay in hospital when you are too out of it to appreciate it. Have him leave, he'll be glad, relieved, and you can sleep, rest. As for him predicting how he thinks you should feel or respond, NOT OK! Has he ever had major abdominal surgery? Only you will know how you are feeling and you must let others take over and take care of you. I am 3 weeks post op TAH. My girlfriends did meals on wheels for 2 1/2 weeks, it was great, we had tea and talked and they cheered me up. Short visits are best. Take 6-8 weeks off and no housework or lifting. Hire a amaid if he won't help, they hate to pay. Don't exhaust yourself before the surgery or you won't heal/deal well. You will feel so much better when it is over and behind you. The waiting is the worst. I wish i had found this website BEFORE my surgery as my husband didn't understand and my girlfriends only acted jealous that I wouldn't have a period. Take care...

I can understand. My husband has said I was being lazy for the past year and I had to change dr's to get the right diagnosis. Then I took him to a website and showed him exactly what was going on inside of me. The next day when he returned home from work He apologized for the way he had been acting.




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Stacey-TAH Due-8/17/2004

I am so sorry you are crying and upset about the way your hubbie is acting.
I was so scared about the whole thing that everything upset me for awhile. Then I pulled myself together and decided what I would really need, then just told DH what I needed.

My hubbie was very supportive but I really didn't remember anything much that whole first day after surgery until evening. He was with me-but I don't remember. I told him to go back to the motel at 7 that night because he had been up since 4:30 that morning and I knew he was tired. I was just sleeping most of the time anyhow, and the nurses were in and out all the time. So you may just tell your hubbie to please go rest because you want to rest. I really was fine being alone-I liked it better that way actually.

I can only suggest that you take it one day at a time. Just don't worry about it all ahead of time. You don't know how you will feel yet, and you don't really know how he will act. Try and let his words wash over you like you have teflon coating. After surgery if he is doing or saying something you don't like, then tell him how you are feeling and that it isn't open for discussion.

That has got to be the next scarest thing to surgery, not having the support from your partner.....

I kinda know how you feel.....My BF of 5 yrs is a really good man, he has stood by all the pain but when it comes to going to the hospital to even visit anyone he is gone. He has says "why do I have to be there?" I know that this is just him being scared.

Perhaps your DH is scared to run the house....?
If talking to him about it doesn't help, I would try talking to my doctor and have my doctor explain what you can not do and for how long and just how serious this is. I had to do this to my
EX-H when I had two other operations, he was scared to run the house and the kids. Maybe he can't take the pressure?

Even though I am with some one else now I have made arrangements for my children and my house to be taken care of by my grandmother for up to 5 weeks. My mother (RN) will be taking care of me only for a week. And as for my DBF not wanting to be near a hospital I told him get over it cause if not your outta here.

I am so sorry your going through this. To be honest I am going through it too. My surgery is Wednesday.

Mine is sort of an emergency surgery, I just found out yesterday I needed it. So its kind of scary.

Hubby was fine and all supportive at the hospital. But today he is the usual 'needy guy' that I want to strangle.

I had it out with him. I told him it all isn't about him and if he can't handle it there are options.

1) He can lump it, the house will be standing when I can stand again. Just kick stuff to the side till I am well.

2) I can always take a trip to the coast. Nothing like room service.

3) I'll hire a maid if he wishes.

He didn't like the choices but he shut up.

So then I had time to talk.
I told him that his feelings about the whole thing wasn't helping the matter. I was scared too. But all he has to do is pick up a few things and answer the phone. Its not that big of a deal. At 53, he needs to stop wanting a mommy and be a man and take care of ME for a change.

I reminded him that I took care of him through a coma, through 10 VERY long years of his recuperation. Six weeks is nothing for him to handle. Just bring me a book and hand over the remote. Thats it. If he can't handle the phone, thats what an answering machine is for. I will get back to my clients when I can.

He is still out in the garage right now contemplating what I said, but after three hours of his whining, I kind of blew up. I don't do that very often.

Even if he doesn't take what I said to heart, and agree at least it's off my chest.

Try it. Sometimes you have to hit these meatheads in the skull a few times to make them realize what a fool they are being.

I know my hubby is nervous too. But right now, I feel I need to take charge of the craziness before I go insane.

I hope that helps you too. Dry your tears and pop him with the skillet while you still can hold it over your head! LOL!!

Hi,

I understand. My DH was anything but wonderful for many years. He was very emotionally vacant, demanding, needy and very controlling. It is only by the grace of God (literally) that he has become a changed person. I was very alone during my pregnancies. (I was on bed rest for 7 months with my first and 4 months with my second.) While I was in bed recouperating 3 days after a terrible birth experience (complete with severe nerve damage and a terrible infection) he went deep sea fishing for 2 days! I understand about non-supportive husbands.

How I coped? A lot of prayer and support from friends and family. Do you have your mom or maybe even a friend who would be willing to help out so he doesn't feel the pressure? My DH literally check out mentally when he felt that he had too much pressure on him.

Another great alternative (one that a very dear friend of mine had to swollow her pride and try) is calling a local church and explaining your situation. They will undoubtedly have women who will be happy to bring a hot meal, sit with you when you need support, or even do an errand or two. A little weird, sure, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You will be amazed at the outpouring of support if you just reach out for it.

You can PM message me if you need to.

And just in defense of my poor husband, he is now a kind, gentle, wonderful, helpful man who is really sad about our earlier years. He has more than made up for his ignorance (which is what it turned out to be, more or less.) Praise God for miracles and changes of heart. I will pray for a miracle for you, too!

I'm sorry hubby is being this way. It may be his way of showing how worried he is or he may just have a problem with the focus being on you (funny how some of us have spoiled them that way). I showed mine the site www.pelvicfloor.com while he was sitting down. It's pretty graphic and doesn't leave a lot to the imagination.

Vera had some good suggestions. Also, can you have the doctor talk with him? If he's going to be a jerk on the day of the surgery, do you have a friend or relative who could go with you?

s
Cat

Thanks to all of my sisters who have responded...

I am going to the pelvicfloor.com site and show him when he will give me the few seconds to do so! I also will talk to my Doc to talk to him.

I will add a few more facts that may help you give more insight on the emotional aspect advice-- I'm still searching for more!

1) We've had a rough 6 months-- call it male menopause, mid life- but he's been out partying, drinking, spending way too much money and accused of 2 affairs-from other people! (he denies)...

2) He says I've been "sick" for soooo long, so many previous operations, tests, etc. Thinks this surgery is me being used as a g-pig...then says no, he knows I need it, but maybe I should wait.

3)Work is giving me a hard time about getting off...will have to do some leave w/o pay. He's very nervous as we have no $ anymore in savings-- he spent it all!

4) He's never been sick hardly ever. Colds only.

5) His Dad died when he was a teen- any time anyone's sick he denies it and says the person (including me) am just being a hyperchodriac-- if you ignore it- it will go away.

HEEEEEEEELP! God bless you all (PS- He doesn't rely on God much either)...and thank you creators of this site---soo much! (PSS-just bought the swelly belly-hope it works!!)

SubieLou