Getting Husband to understand

HI Sisters,
This probably sounds like a feel sorry for me story but I need to talk about it, and wondering if anyone else has or had this experience.
I've suffered from infertility for 7 years but the last three years have been very traumatic, 2 miscarriages, laproscopy, D&C, Hysteroscopy, myomectomy, polys, cysts, fibroids, Endo, andenomyosis, invitro failure, cronic pelvic pain, heavy clotting with heavy painful periods. anyway while going through all these surgeries, procedures husband had been by my side and we even started talking about adoption. Then the Hysterectomy came(March 17,2003-TAH/BSO)since day one after surgery DH has been very distant even at the point lashing out at me that I didn't try every option to get pregnant(I had two second opinions) I took away from him the chance to be a father and adoption is out of the question because it is not the same. I have had to heal alone and be alone without any helpers for the past five weeks during recovery. Husband gone 6am till about midnight. I try to do the best i can to keep the house tidy, but I am so sad and fatigued, not to mention the insomnia. We have disconnected emotionally, exspecially since we never had any children, but a child dosen't make us whole, we have many good qualities in life to work for, but of course after the surgery made things more final. I would like to get my husband back, the supportive, sympathetic, loving, patient person he used to be, we don't communicate and i am in pain physically and emotionally, grievieng. I think DH thinks I only have an outer scar, how do i get him to understand that i have been through major surgery and I am healing inside as well. He expects me to do things regularily like I did before surgery and I am not ready. He wouldn't even talk to my doctor of 22 years that did the surgery, and yes my husband and i did discuss the surgery before I had it done. I am sad and feel alone. I would love to go to couples counseling or have him see someone to talk about his grief. He thinks when I have symptoms they are all in my head and i read to much into this hysterectomy stuff and HRT if needed. And wants to know when i will go back to work. Sorry for long sob story, just needed to vent and wanted to know any suggestions,comments to get him to understand. I do have my 6 week post op exam 4/29 I would love him to come with me.
thank you
Debbie A

Debbie,
First let me tell you how sorry I am all of your options ran out and you had to have this surgery. I know you didn't jump into it lightly and sitting here reading your post, I can feel your pain. I wish I could crawl through this computer and give you a
Your both grieving and men do seem to lash out when they are hurting. I don't know why. As woman, we tend to reach out to each other and would give anything to share our trials with the love of our lives. I have to admit, I just don't understand. As many here know, I had a child die many years ago. My DH did the best he could. His best was to bury it and walk through life in a cloud of grief left unresolved. His grief came out in other ways.
You are right in needing him to be with you at your dr. appointment and some grief counciling would be wondeful! I wonder if he has shed any tears? Most men don't, even though we know they help to release pent up emotion. I feel sad for him too. Ask him what he wants from you..... how you can help him deal with this surgery. Also... even if he won't go, you go for counciling yourself. We didn't and spent many years avoiding the subject. Oddly enough, it was the hysterectomy that opened up the subject and we have been able to feel our saddness together. Please don't wait. Unspoken grief is like having a shadow follow you around. As far as your physical pain... talk to your dr. Your DH does need to understand the healing process and hopefully he will see that if you get the chance to heal right the first time, life can go back to some sense of normality.
Life isn't fair sweetie. We have an alumni hostess (Shashi) who always says, "when life deals you lemons, throw them.... hard!" I remember that, everytime I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick, because I don't think we always need to feel like we have to, "make lemonade". Sometimes we have a right to be seen, heard and acknowledged! I'm sorry I don't have a magic otion: for you or just the right words. I can offer you sisterhood and understanding and a hug when you need it. That's what we're here for.

hugs, Karlene

Karlene.
Thank you sweatheat for your wonderful response and I felt your hug and support. I am sorry to hear of your loss as well. Grief is no stranger to me my mom died suddenly 2 years ago and 4 months after her death I had a miscarriage then next month my gram died suddenly and all my other medical problems began blah blah blah, but I am in individual counseling and attend a berievement group(but haven't been since surgery) but I would love husband to go to, thank you for your input and GOD BLESS you
Debbie A

Hi Debbie I already responded to your post over in the Hormone Jungle forum, and I see (((Karlene))) has already said everything I'd want to say here, but I wanted to add that you might want to check out this website:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Some members here have found it very helpful in trying to work through things with their partner.

Hang in there sweetie! We you!

-Linda

Surferbabe,
Thank you for your response to my post, I apprieciate all your concerns. I feel your hugs. I have looked at the website, but will go back and read more indeapth, thank you and god bless you
Debbie A

HI KOALA, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU SWEETIE. I CANT SAY I SHARE THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS TO NEVER BEING ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN FOR I HAVE A 19 AND 16 YR OLD. I AM 41. 11 MTHS POST-OP. BUT MY HEART IS WITH YOU.YOU DONT HAVE TO NOT GO THROUGH THE SAME THING AS SOMEONE TO NOT FEEL FOR THEM. I HAD A MISCARRIAGE YEARS AGO AND I FELT THE LOSS TOO. I PRAY FOR YOU THAT YOUR HUSBAND COMES AROUND AND IS MORE UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR EMOTIONS. TO HAVE A HYSTER IS A BIG LOSS IN ITSELF OF YOUR WHOLE BEING AND TAKES GETTING USED TO. I HOPE IN TIME YOU WILL HEAL AS WELL AS YOUR HUSBAND AND COUNCELING I HOPE WILL ENLIGHTEN YOU. GOD BLESS YOU AND I WISH YOU THE BEST..ALWAYS ..ANGEL

Angeleyes,
Thank you for your lovely response, thank you for making me feel important and supported. My husband is beginning to heal, like myself. It has been 7 weeks post op and he is beginning to be more supportive and trying to understand what I went through, we are seeking counseling and talking about adoption. We have been together 21 years and the last few years has been the most difficult, losing my mom and grandmother and a misscarriage all within five months, then several surgeries and failed invitro for me just stripped us of all our energy, and my husband began to grieve inwardly and suppose he took it out on me after we decided it was time for the hyster. I am feeling soo much better and don't regret having the operation, I am looking forward to a painfree, healthy future, thank you again and GOD BLESS you.
Debbie A