Just confused

13 red Hi Girls, I'm up again. Later and later every night it is closer to my surgery. I'm just confused. I'm not really sure how to be feeling right now. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm upset, I'm anxious, I'm relieved. All in one. I'm sure many other things as well. But I'm seriously going to need medication before this next week is up. I'm playing games with my Mind. Why??? Has anyone ever done this. Let me please explain a bit.

I have every reason to want and need what I'm going to be getting. I started at the age of nine and have had problems ever since. I recently was talking to a childhood girlfriend of mine and she remembered a time when I had passed out in our Middle school hallway in seventh grade because a cyst on my ovary had ruptured. I had forgotten all about it. But, as the years have gone on my tolerance for pain has seriously gotten stronger. I know it sounds foolish, but I can labor and not know it. I broke my foot last summer and walked on it for about two weeks before the sweat on my upper lip and the limp became bothersome and clued me in. So, you wonder what's my deal, right. Well lately the pain is there when I have my cycle, and for me that's a big deal. I hate living on pain medication, it's true. I bleed like someone has stabbed me in bed. So why can't I just let this go. Why can't I too look forward to the end of all this misery. Have I grown so attached to my womanly organs that I'm insane???? I'm crabby for two weeks, I bleed for another twelve days. What gives. I know I have some serious anxiety about the surgery itself. But are they just control issues of dying? I have had so many "procedures" to lessen the bleeding, to see where the pain is, to remove the fibroids. To scrape the lining, that I can't have anymore.

Any suggestions ladies on just being able to let go? I believe it or not have had prayer, been praying and have turned this over to God so many times. I have been so blessed with so much more then the OB's told me that I would ever have when I was younger. My DH is wonderfully supportive. I wouldn't want any more additions to our home. So why is part of me mourning the fact that I wouldn't be able to? OH MAN, I'm just loosing it huh? Im even upset that I will not have a period with my daughter who is seven. SICK huh. :eyes:

The other fact is ..... HRT has be baffeled. My OB wants me to start it in the hospital. My other Family Doc says start that and then we can put you on Natural Hormone replacement therepy. At a significantly higher price. But... IS it better for me. I've read more literature then I know what to do with. I think being as young as I am that my longevity is important to me and I will definately do it. But does it scare me.... ABSOLUTELY.

Ok, so after venting to you ALL and know that you know how worked up I am... I guess, the pain going away permenantly is an awesome thing. I can throw away all of my "period" underwear. I can buy new sheets. I can wear white pants in summer... As tears run down my face. It's going to be a good thing right ladies?

Absolutely it's going to be alright! I went through similar feelings leading up to my hysterectomy. In the last two weeks it finally dawned on me that I needed it, had no intentions of not going through with it, and I was excited that all of my pre-op problems would go away. At that point I had the faith and commitment to see it through and R-E-L-A-X-E-D. You have to empty all negative thoughts from your head and think only positive ones. Focus on the end product and pray for the best possible outcome. You are already on the path, so though it sounds too easy, just let go! You can do it -- absolutely! Try to be as meditative as possible. Deep breaths and a clear head. Okay, now smile, because you are going to be sooooo happy on the post-op side.

Linda

I can't comment on HRT 'cause I don't need it yet, but I can comment on your feelings of loss. I had my hysterectomy on 2/2, so I am almost at the 2 week mark. Two days before my surgery I had a complete melt down for a couple of reasons 1) I was scared of the surgery itself, 2) I was sad about losing an organ, even one that has caused me such problems...that was the womb that gave me my two beautiful sons, it's a hard thing to let go of, and 3) my mom was way too excited for me to get rid of my uterus. I think I have held on to it for a couple of years just to prove her wrong...how mature it that.

Bottom line...if you weren't going through some level of emotion that wouldn't be right. This process is life changing in a physical and emotional way and you have to give yourself time to go through the stages of loss and get excited about the bright light at the end of the tunnel. No more pain, no more surprises at the wrong time, and no more sick organs in your body.

Use this message board for info and support and let us know what happens after your surgery...you will be happier!

Hi Serena!

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time, emotionally. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and are soon going to begin your journey to better health. But, like any journey, there are unknowns involved which make it scary. Don't forget the members here have unlimited hugs to dispense to you at all stages of your hysterectomy experience!

You have already received many wise words of comfort from the members. Regarding your fear of HRT, I would like to comment that there are many options available, and there is no reason for you to suffer. You may be among the many fortunate ones who find satisfaction with the very first HRT regimen prescribed to you! It certainly is not a big struggle for everyone. It sounds like your doctors already have some tentative plans in place for you regarding HRT, and the important thing is to keep your doctor informed on how the HRT is working for you, in case adjustments need to be made. A book I personally have found helpful in learning about HRT is "The Estrogen Answer Book" by Ruth Jacobowitz, which is available for purchase in the Hyster Sisters Store! I think it would answer a lot of your questions and calm your fears.

Many s and Best Wishes to You!

Girls,

Thank you soooo much for hearing me! Yes, I needed to know you did even though the 15th was one heck of a busy day on the sister's site. There are always such wonderful women here. I made an appointment to go see my Gyno the Monday before so I can barrade him with the ?'s that I may still have after my assesment this Thursday. I started my meditative thinking, imagining a wonderful stay at the castle, and coming home to gorgeous flowers. Yes, I printed gentle reminder for the DH. After all spring is right around the corner and there must be tulips somewhere in the US...lol I'm almost on the one week count down. I picked up my bowel prep liquid today. Such a small bottle, but I'm told it produces Large results by the pharmacists...lol I'm waiting on my gift basket from the hyster sister store, and cleaning as if I'm nesting for quads. All in all, a very productive two days. My husband came home and actually said " Wow hunny, not only does the house look great but it smells better to" hmmmmmm something to think about I suppose considering we have no pets, and don't smoke. HAHA Ok, my sense of humor has shown through again. Thank you for reminding me It's ok to freak out. I am going to order that book as well. But I like your thinking that there are many women that go through HRT and are great the first round. Why is it we sometimes always concentrate on the underdog?

Much love and Hugs to all my Hyster-Sisters. Serena

Dear Serena,
I just want you to know. reading your thread brought back memorys of my weeks and days before my surgery. I was on the phone to my Dr. the night before I was to start my liquid diet and prep for surgery. I was still torn apart trying to see if there was away to hold off. I did not have children, and even though I knew that it was not to be, it was the finality that haunted me.
I have a high tolarance to pain, and was used to it. If it were not for the ovarian mass, I would have chosen to keep living that way. My DH used to ask why I lived like that, I tried to tell him it was not that bad, I could take it!! He said" thats why I come home sometimes and find you wrything on the floor." Many of us have differant emoitions of grief we deal with. Share with us any time.. You will find sisters here that know and understand. I can say.. though it has been onl yin the last week or so, the pain was not normal. and I am starting to see a different world.
The HRT.. they placed a patch on me the morning after surgery. I am now on premerin. I am doing well on it.
I also have questions but it has worked well for me now. So while I healed and adjusting to my changes, I would go with it. I thought I had enough on my plate. It would give me time to do more research.
I wish you well for your surgery, and send you s
Tou can vent to us anytime! You will find sisters that know and understand where you are in this road of hystery.
A