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2 Years Today and Grieving 2 Years Today and Grieving

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Unread 02-13-2021, 09:52 PM
2 Years Today and Grieving

I feel somewhat foolish for typing this, but I guess I need to let it out.

It’s been two years today since the hysterectomy I didn’t plan to have. I still hurt emotionally and I still think about the child I vividly dreamed of having. Yes, I wouldn’t have been the ideal age according to medical professionals who have written their award winning research journals, but I shouldn’t have been denied the chance.

I’m angry, sad, and lonely because no one around me gets why I can’t “get over it”. I have read other posts where those closest to them have a hard time connecting to what we are experiencing. I too, experience that same disconnect which in turn, makes me angrier.

I’ve been in counseling for a year and some change now to “work through this”. But that void in my heart is something that will never be “ok”. I truly feel it will haunt me for the rest of my life. No matter how much I focus and remain committed to other things, there will always be this emptiness. It’s unfair and sympathize with any of you who understand this too.
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Unread 02-15-2021, 01:28 PM
Re: 2 Years Today and Grieving

Oh, please don't feel foolish. It's a loss that is hard to explain to others, but a loss nonetheless. This is part of the reason I get mad when doctors compare hysterectomy to having your gallbladder out. I don't know of anybody who ever considered their gallbladder part of their identity, or had hopes for their gallbladder!

If it makes you feel any better, even some ladies like me, who at the time of surgery did not have any plans to have biological children, and were at the far (far) end of childbearing years, still felt a loss.. and still sometimes do. Hugs!
Unread 02-15-2021, 03:52 PM
Re: 2 Years Today and Grieving

LiveLife213- it is such a loss and nothing to feel foolish about what so ever. I was able to have 3 children and in 2016 had another miscarriage. By 2017, my reproductive system was causing more harm on my body than to keep it.
The vivid dreams are real and sadness is as well. After all the different situations I have been through since I was 10.5 yr old and the massive amounts of counseling sessions I've had, I was given aides to help me through them all. Not all of them I have been able to "accept and move on", but I learn each day a way to work with my emotions.
Understanding the grieving process is helpful and know it will be different for you than the other hysterectomy survivor next to you.
I am so sorry your feel so alone through this, but know we are here for you and you have one other level of support.
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Unread 02-16-2021, 07:39 PM
2 Years Today and Grieving

Dear hystersister, I am so sorry you are experiencing this emotional pain because of your hysterectomy. Wanting a child and knowing you can't have one now is a tremendous loss and place of grief. Please don't feel silly about reaching out to us...your fellow sisters. We can't turn the clock around but know that you still have great purpose in life. You are valuable and you are here for a reason. Special, precious, unique you!
❤️ and hugs
Unread 02-17-2021, 01:17 AM
Re: 2 Years Today and Grieving

OP, I am sorry to hear of your grief. Even in situations where hysterectomy is clearly a sound course of action, it is extremely common to have mixed feelings after it's done. I can relate, as my hysterectomy was unnecessary, which only worsens the regrets of not having children. The overall lesson I've learned is that life isn't always fair, and due to our own actions or those of others, sometimes we are dealt physical or emotional injuries that may never fully heal. The best we can do is to learn to get along as best we can, avoiding bitterness and making the best of our allotted time.

Specifically, I've found it helps to tell other women what I've experienced, to avoid sugarcoating issues and problems that I wish I'd known beforehand. I have also been careful to build and maintain family and community ties, including those with my in-laws and their children. While this doesn't erase the regret of childlessness, it does add a sense of purpose and belonging, which does help to make things bearable.

OP, your pain is real, but it doesn't have to define the rest of your life. Grieve fully and you will reach a sense of acceptance in due course. I wish you peace.
Unread 02-17-2021, 05:33 AM
2 Years Today and Grieving

The mothering instinct has been hard-wired into all women since the dawn of time, and regardless of our circumstances, when the ability to fulfill that instinct is taken away, it really hurts. When I had my surgery, I was 48, single, childless, and subsisting on disability assistance; I was already facing the prospect of never having children, and this made it final. I hit a wall of depression after my post-op appointment, which was compounded by unresolved grief from my mother's death in 2013. My brother did not understand, repeatedly telling me that I should just "get over it" because "the surgery went well" and "it was not like you were ever going to have children," which did not help; what did help me was the support of my fellow sisters in this forum, and a steady succession of therapists and social workers. When I recently went for grief counselling after my father died, I learned that grief is not something we can "get over," but something that stays with us, and gradually becomes less of a burden. I've also found ways to honour my mothering instinct through my knitting; my current projects include winter accessories for homeless adults and underprivileged schoolchildren, women's accessories for a local women's shelter, hats and blankets for preemies and newborns at a local hospital, and bereavement gifts for parents who have had miscarriages or stillborn babies, who are mourning a loss just as we are. There are plenty of other ways for you to honour your mothering instinct, whether through adoption, fostering, sponsorship, mentoring, or volunteering; when you're ready, a simple search can yield plenty of opportunities for you. Sending you my warmest hugs, and best wishes for continued health and healing!

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