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Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

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Unread 01-09-2021, 06:12 AM
Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

First let me start by saying that my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We have fun together and truly enjoy the time we spend together. Having said that, we couldn't be more different in almost every way. He is very logical and doesn't believe we should be concerned about things until they are happening. He just is not emotional or...I don't know. It is honestly hard to explain outside of my head that is why I am praying that someone can help me and relate.

I am a 34 year old mother of 5 (2 adopted) who is scheduled for a hysterectomy next week. They found a tumor on an ultrasound that will be tested for cancer but we obviously know nothing yet.

I have been trying (and somewhat succeeding) for years to be more like my husband. Less dramatic and more logical. I try not to worry about things until they are real and right in front of me.

When I found out about the tumor I laughed it off and said it was probably nothing. When my doctor said hysterectomy I joked about not having to have periods anymore. Then I moved on and tried to talk about it only rarely and never get serious or sad or really emotional in anyway.

The truth- I am scared to death. I am scared the tumor will be cancerous. I am scared I won't always be here for my kids. I am scared about having surgery. I am scared I won't wake up or I won't recover quickly enough and I will be a burden to everyone around me. I am scared of 1,000 different things but I don't say them out loud.

About a week ago, my husband told me that he was scheduled to do a huge presentation at work for the CEO and all other executives. He was very careful and said that he could tell them he couldn't be there. I told him that was silly, that would be in surgery then basically sleeping afterward anyway so he should just present. The truth - I want him there. I just didn't want to sound needy. Upon discussing it later, he said he would come sometime that evening and spend the night with me. My surgery is at 9am. I will be alone all day. I kept my mouth shut and joked about him bringing me food.

Last night I was talking to his mother about our plan for next week and how she was going to help with the kids. She mentioned not understanding why my husband wouldn't be there. My husband just started rolling his eyes and acted like she was crazy. She was basically yelling at him and telling him he shouldn't leave me and someone should be there. He got angry with her and just said he had a plan and this was how we were doing it. He didn't care what she felt like he should do. He said that he and I had talked about it (that's true) and this was our plan.

Now I sit here wondering...does my husband love me? I know he would never leave me. He is the type of man who makes a commitment and keeps it. But does he LOVE me? Is he concerned about me at all? Am I just an extra burden in his busy schedule?

I am really struggling with this. I have never had a moment's hesitation about whether our not our love was real. Right now I am struggling.
Will it be cancer?
Will I wake up from surgery?
Will I recover well?
Will I wish I had more kids?
Will my husband not want me anymore because I can't give him more kids?

Does my husband love me?
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Unread 01-09-2021, 02:12 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

First of all sounds like you are going through a lot, even before surgery. Even with everything in life running smoothly this surgery and the decision to have it can be an emotional journey and many women do feel a loss, even if it is the right decision for their situation.

I can only offer my advice about speaking up for what you need during this time, through pre-surgery concerns and into recovery. Please don't think it is selfish to want your husband there during surgery. Tell him your needs and wants so that it is clear for him. If you act like it is no big deal then he is probably taking his cues on how to behave from you. Please speak up for yourself here. Talk to him about your concerns, he might not have any idea you are having these thoughts and think everything is ok. This is a major surgery my dear and of course you have very valid fears about the tumor.

Since you have a good relationship with your husband maybe have a heart to heart talk with him about your fears and needs. Be honest with him, you both deserve that honesty. Hugs!
Unread 01-09-2021, 05:09 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

like you said, you want him there. you need to tell him that. you are having major surgery with a possible cancer diagnosis. my now ex husband didn't care enough to know that this was major surgery and i could possibly need help. he acted the same way. everything was more important than my surgery. speak up before your surgery.
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Unread 01-09-2021, 05:40 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

First, take some slow, deep breaths as it really does help calm and center us (even if just for a bit). All those feelings you're experiencing are perfectly normal, and the unknowns surrounding a possible cancer diagnosis only serve to compound things. So, please know that you definitely aren't alone in this.

I know it's difficult, but please try not to let your mind get too far ahead of things, as it always races to the worst case scenarios. There's just as much chance things will go smoothly, and this tumor will be perfectly benign or caught at a point where surgery will take care of things. We'll most certainly keep our fingers crossed for that! If that turns out not to be the case, we do have a Cancer Concerns forum you're welcome to check out, if you'd like. There's lots of good information as well as experienced ladies to share the journey.

My radical hysterectomy was my first major surgery, and in many ways, I was more afraid of the procedure and all that entailed than my cancer diagnosis. But, I and many others here made it through, and so can you! I know this all seems quite overwhelming but keep taking those deep breaths and one step at a time. Sending hugs and every good thought your way!

Unread 01-09-2021, 08:19 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

My husband and I are similar to you two. I am the anxious and emotional one and my husband is very analytical and stoic. He's an economist and sees everything in terms of numbers and probability, often having a hard time understanding why people are afraid of things with a very low chance of happening (you can imagine he's been a peach to live with while I panic about Covid and he makes spreadsheets about the risk of getting it/dying. )

Anyway - even though it's hard sometimes it's really important for me to be clear with him about my needs. He's your husband and I'm sure he loves you, he just sees the world in a different way than you do. Having emotional needs in your marriage is normal - not a burden. If my husband and I had this same situation and I told him not to worry about being there and to do his presentation it would absolutely never occur to him that I might actually want him to be there. I'd have to be clear with him that I really needed him to be with me.

It's frustrating when people don't just understand you without your having to explain, but sometimes it's necessary and you shouldn't feel bad about asking for what you want - especially in your marriage!
Unread 01-10-2021, 05:44 AM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

My husband came in with me until I was registered then I sent him to Costco with a list then home to let the dog out lol. Not much he could do at the hospital other than sit there doing nothing. He came back after I was settled in my room and brought me my phone and bag. Everyone is different and that's fine. You told him to go to his meeting so he thinks that's OK with you. If you want him there then tell him, he's not a mind reader. But depending on where you live he may not be allowed in due to COVID restrictions anyway.
Unread 01-10-2021, 07:07 AM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

Oh, hon... the fears we have before surgery are often worse than the surgery itself. I think we all have issues / things that we dwell on. This was my first surgery as an adult at age 54. (I don't count the one I had at 5 since I don't remember much at all.) I was concerned about three things - how easily the tracheal tube would insert (I have nodules on my thyroid), my arrhythmia (the anesthesiology assistant said she'd monitor my vitals the whole time), and getting blood clots afterwards. Prayer with friends helped the anxiety and keeping busy up until surgery day kept my mind occupied. The last evening my nerves were jumpy, but more with the anticipation of "Let's get this SHOW on the ROAD, people!" Morning of the surgery, the only thing that spooked me was my husband's driving .

Understand that there's a TEAM of specialists and medical professionals surrounding you in the OR and you are their #1 priority. There'll be one or two dedicated to monitoring your vital signs. I was out within 2-3 minutes of getting the "juice" it was way deeper than any sleep, and when I finally came around a few hours later, it felt like I'd only been out 5-10 minutes. My recovery was as textbook as my surgery, I just had to learn what worked ... and how to rely on others. We're used to being Super Women, but in fact we are human and the same level of medical conditions which put others down can put us down, too.

I have no doubt your husband loves you! He's the one who offered to back out of his presentation for you. We just can't get into our guys' heads any more than they can get into ours. I agree with others, talk to him again. My bet is that his workplace will understand if he postpones it, and I would guess that if a family member of any of those executives were scheduled for surgery, they would excuse themselves too. In thinking about it, the logical side of your husband is probably going to be a plus in your recovery, for he'll be the one to try to understand the procedure and how the body handles post-op healing.

I also have no doubt that he loves you for more than the body parts you are losing. Couples age together, we slow down, and our body parts ache or fail anyway. He asked you to marry him because he wanted to spend his life with you... the woman you are in your heart and soul.

Prayers for an uneventful surgery, recovery and minimal follow up on the tumor. We'll be here every step of the way with you.

Unread 01-12-2021, 05:59 PM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

I am 4 weeks post op from complete LAVH. The week of surgery my emotions were all over the place, and my husband was working long hours so I was alone and felt all alone. Honestly, like you it was the unknown. I had two unidentifiable masses that they were wanting pathology on, I had been bleeding heavily and steadily for three weeks prior to surgery (I was post menopausal for 3 years), and I had a past history of a perineum ultimate that was rare but was tapped by Mayo to be on cancer watch. So all of that wound me up right. So first, take a deep breath, take a long soak in the tub, have a glass of wine and let it all go. Next have an honest talk with your hubs. Honestly, no matter how great the relationship (married 31 years) Men are clueless and yes sometimes you have to dumb the basics like “hey I am scared, hold me and be there for me” is necessary. As for the Cancer, I told myself one step at a time and stressing about what if wasn’t going to change the reality. Somehow that more than anything allowed me to let that fear go. If stressing or worrying wasn’t going to change the reality, then why do it? The Dr had all organs removed sent to pathology due to additional “surprises” found. No cancer though. Dr said They caught it a year or two before it turned. So see, the reality was that yes I was a high risk but it was caught early and all went well. Be kind to yourself and take time to also write your feelings down. I started a Hysterectomy journal before and after and let me tell you, wow was I on a rollercoaster of emotions and stress. Hang in there and we are here for you.
Unread 01-15-2021, 07:32 AM
Re: Upcoming hysterectomy 1/14: I will be alone

Just checking in to say I hope you are doing well. Of course your husband loves you! It stinks that he had a huge presentation on the same day as your surgery. I hope that your hospital nurses are taking wonderful care of you and that you are getting lots of rest. Many hospitals have no visitors because of Covid as well. Stay strong and let us know how you are doing.

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