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I'm Not Ok (vent) I'm Not Ok (vent)

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  #1  
Unread 06-07-2021, 02:07 PM
I'm Not Ok (vent)

I just need to vent a bit somewhere someone might listen. There's some censored swearing.
I am fueled only by resentment these days. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed, because it's the only way I can say **** you to everyone who left me alone on this journey.
I was dying. I was ****ing dying. I had to make a choice. And none of you stood by me. It was so much easier for you to turn away and pretend everything was fine. To ignore reality. It made me realize that even if it all had failed, I would've died alone because none of you could put yourselves aside to help me.
And you, the man who claims to love me, who says that he can't live without me couldn't be ****ed to get out of his own head and help me in my hour of need. Yeah, I get we're long distance and the pandemic has travel stuck but you keep ****ing saying how it'll be different when we're together. You'll make it up when we're together. IF YOU AREN'T DOING A **** THING NOW, WHY THE **** WOULD THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU CAME OVER HERE?!!!
I have no family. The one person I wish to any God above that I could talk to is my mother, and she is out of my life. I don't talk to her, I don't contact her and most certainly after how she weaseled her way into finding out about my surgery treated my decision.
I have no one. My so called best-friend wasn't there for me. I recovered alone. My "man" is a sulking mess.
It's been 6 months, but the weight is still heavy. Physically I'm fine, but the hormones are still trying to find their footing. I've always been a fast healer, but my mind has taken a massive hit. It's healing as fast as it can, and it won't be done for awhile.
Just once, I want someone to tell me, "Hey. I know you're not alright. Talk."
Don't make me do the work. Stop making me have to open up that discussion for you. YOU should ask that. YOU should give enough of a **** to do the work, not always expect me to do it for you. Why is it so hard for people to do the smallest of things?
I've learned just not to say anything about it because nobody has the empathy or compassion to listen or even attempt to understand. It's all about them. Or they sit in silence with this sad look on your face ***** wipe your face off I'm the one that deserves to be sad not you. I earned my pain, you didn't.
I just wish I had someone in my corner. I wish I had a warrior that would just walk right up to me and tell me "Rest for a second. I'll carry this for a bit." I guess that is just too much to ask.
But I'm still here. But you all expected that. What you won't expect will be my rage as I not only get back on my feet but scorch all of you with my progress. Get. The. ****. Out. Of. My. Way.
If you got to the bottom, thanks for reading. Sorry for the language but no other words worked. Hope you're recovery is going better than mine.
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  #2  
Unread 06-18-2021, 08:30 PM
Re: I'm Not Ok (vent)

Hey, sis. I read this and I immediately had to respond. Turned my Netflix off and everything so this is going to be a little long. Apologies. So here it is: I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU, GIRL. Here is my little story if you’ll follow me, please:

I had my hysterectomy in Feb. 2021. Took out my uterus, tubes, and ovaries. Kept only my cervix. So of course I immediately went into surgical menopause. I am 33 years old. Suffice it to say, THIS HAS BEEN THE HARDEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. It seems like I traded in one set of problems for another set. My heart beats hard sometimes. My muscles ache. I have no sex drive. I’m always tired. I thought I was going to die at least 3 times since. The list goes on and on and on and on.

Also, I’ve lost friends. One friend dropped me because I couldn’t talk about things the way I used to. I was too serious. I was too grateful for what I had and she wanted to moan and hate life like we used to. Major surgery changes you and you start to appreciate anything GOOD you have. Another friend never checked up on me or asked me how I was. Most family members were the same. You start to find out that many people will generally not care unless you’re on the brink of death otherwise they say nothing. You feel alone. You feel lost. It sucks.

I take things day by day now. As I write this, my neck hurts. I have a patch that makes me “human” and gives me hormones. I’m 33 going through what somebody 20 years older than me goes through. I wish to see Christmas lights and the fireworks of 2022.

Through all of this, you change. I’m not the same girl I was 8 months ago. I’m the same age but I’m older. I’m wiser. I treasure what I have and what I took for granted. I love more. I try to breathe and take in the nature around me. Sis, I know life hurts right now. I’m trying to reach to my one year mark and see any light that can reach me there. I would like to chat with you more if that’s alright? I mean I’m into Loki too. Have you seen the Disney+ episodes yet? Come message me because we totally gotta kick it together.

You have a friend here
  #3  
Unread 06-18-2021, 08:43 PM
I'm Not Ok (vent)

I also felt I had to respond immediately. I am in a very similar boat. Are almost 4 mths post op leaving only ovaries.
I had a fibroid that did not respond to the surgery to remove it last year or the mirena in fact it seemed to anger the life destroying little you know what.
I am 37 now and did not get the chance to have kids are still healing physically and mentally not coping but nobody seems to understand how hard this is for me. The worse thing is , is that I was hiding behind a mask of saying I don’t want kids when in fact I realised after surgery that it was a lie I was telling myself. And to top it off I work in childcare at the moment trying to get out as it is to mentally draining to hide my feelings.
I totally get how you are feeling and would definitely be up for talking connecting with others who are in the same boat as I am.
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  #4  
Unread 06-18-2021, 08:50 PM
I'm Not Ok (vent)

  Quote:
Originally Posted by Bennett84 View Post
I also felt I had to respond immediately. I am in a very similar boat. Are almost 4 mths post op leaving only ovaries.
I had a fibroid that did not respond to the surgery to remove it last year or the mirena in fact it seemed to anger the life destroying little you know what.
I am 37 now and did not get the chance to have kids are still healing physically and mentally not coping but nobody seems to understand how hard this is for me. The worse thing is , is that I was hiding behind a mask of saying I don’t want kids when in fact I realised after surgery that it was a lie I was telling myself. And to top it off I work in childcare at the moment trying to get out as it is to mentally draining to hide my feelings.
I totally get how you are feeling and would definitely be up for talking connecting with others who are in the same boat as I am.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I understand your pain. I can't imagine working in such a painful environment at the same time. That's some real grit there.
  #5  
Unread 06-19-2021, 04:29 PM
Re: I'm Not Ok (vent)

I haven't been on this forum in a long time, but when I saw the FB post, I felt the need to respond.

It always seems like everyone else is so happy they had the hysterectomy, while I feel like it was the worst thing that I ever did.

I felt pressured by my doctor, by the fact that it was the end of the year (for insurance purposes), and so I didn't have time to do the research, seek a second opinion, see what types of surgeries were available, what life post-op was going to be like, etc.

What I got was just pure misery. Depression, weight gain, low sex drive, hot flashes, and felt like I had aged overnight. And like others have said, no one seems to understand what you are going through and that you are not the same person you were before.

So, will it get better for you? I can't say, but I hope so. I had my TAH in December 2016. Just know, you are not alone with your feelings!
  #6  
Unread 06-19-2021, 05:58 PM
I'm Not Ok (vent)

  Quote:
Originally Posted by sadieiris View Post
I haven't been on this forum in a long time, but when I saw the FB post, I felt the need to respond.

It always seems like everyone else is so happy they had the hysterectomy, while I feel like it was the worst thing that I ever did.

I felt pressured by my doctor, by the fact that it was the end of the year (for insurance purposes), and so I didn't have time to do the research, seek a second opinion, see what types of surgeries were available, what life post-op was going to be like, etc.

What I got was just pure misery. Depression, weight gain, low sex drive, hot flashes, and felt like I had aged overnight. And like others have said, no one seems to understand what you are going through and that you are not the same person you were before.

So, will it get better for you? I can't say, but I hope so. I had my TAH in December 2016. Just know, you are not alone with your feelings!
I hope you're doing ok.
I'll admit, there are times where I wonder if it was worth it, after all, we die at some point. But then I remember the pain I was in and how badly I wanted it to stop. It's easy for me to regret something because I'm on the other side without the pain that was slowly taking my life.
I remind myself how badly I wanted physical peace, and the feeling quickly fades. I can't speak for you but I'm sorry to hear you felt pressured.
Sometimes all we need is someone to be mad with us. To show the anger. After all, it is a kind of loss. Anger is a part of healing. Handling things with grace is for royalty.
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