Mourning something I never even wanted

Good evening sisters,

As I approach my uterus eviction date, I’m finding myself cycling through a lot of different emotions. Anger, fear, relief, and to my surprise sadness.

I’m almost 50, I don’t have kids. I am a woman who has never wanted to have children. I have always considered myself too selfish for kids, just was not something I needed.

Yet here I am, just over a week out from surgery, and I find myself with tears running down my face wondering if I made a mistake.

But that’s crazy right? A month ago, before I knew I had massive fibroids and required a hysterectomy, I still didn’t want kids and I’m 50 for crying out loud! I couldn’t have a child now if I wanted to.

So why am I so sad?

I remember going through the same range of emotions myself. I was 48, and my life circumstances had never allowed for me to have children, and because of a large fibroid pressing on my bladder, it was all coming to a crashing stop. It happens because every living organism has a natural drive to procreate, which does not care about out life circumstances, medical issues, or personal decisions, and can cause a great deal of emotional turmoil if the ability to fulfill it is taken away. In addition to this forum and two caring therapists, what helped me to work through these feelings was fulfilling my nurturing drive through my knitting projects, which have included hats and blankets for preemies and newborns at a local hospital, and bereavement gifts for parents who have had miscarriages or stillborn babies, who are mourning a loss just as we are. There are plenty more ways for you to nurture this drive, whether through adoption, fostering, sponsorship, or volunteering; all you have to do is look for them. Wishing you all the best for a successful surgery, and for continued health and healing!

Thank you

I had similar feelings and I was already menopausal. It’s not that I currently wanted children because I didn’t. I had regrets that I didn’t have any and doubts about my past decisions; I was mourning the loss of what might have been and choices that could have been different. It was real but maybe hard for others to understand. As I get older I do still sometimes feel a loss, but it has certainly lessened. These feelings can really take us by surprise.

Thank you. Yes, exactly, I am already menopausal. I think that’s why this has thrown me for such a loop

I empathize completely. I'm 52 and never wanted kids. I was already perimenopausal. Heck, I'd looked into tubal ligations when I was in my mid-40s.

I also had fibroids, but when the doctor tried to remove them, he couldn't do so without removing everything else. I took that news with equanimity, but three days after my surgery, I was crying in my hospital room. Could have been the loss. Could have been hormones, could be something else. I don't know.

And I don't know if it's six months of quarantine, my hormones going loopy because my entire reproductive system above the top of my vagina is gone, or what; but I have been truly down lately.

So I totally empathize with you and want to assure you you're not alone.