Am I going crazy?!

I only have 2 months to go and I have started to have crazy thoughts like am I doing the right thing.

I am single, I don't have a any special some one in my life and I can't help but think that once I have the operation no one will want/love me. It suddenly occurred to me that when I open my eyes I won't have some one there holding my hand ready to tell me every thing is ok. Maybe its the time of year and I look around and see lots of happy families I really don't know.

I am looking forward to life without pain and complications but all this other stuff is clouding my mind. Maybe it is apart of the waiting game. Part of me wishes the 2 months would be over but then another is going crazy because of how fast time is passing.

I am unable to talk to any of my friends or family about any part of what I am going through as they have never understood the pain and the suffering endo has caused me and I am always considered the strong one, the one every one else can turn to but I am having doubts on whether I am strong enough. I just feel so alone!!!

I am so confussed I just don't know what to think any more. Is this normal?!

C.C

Hi C. C.
Please talk to your doctor about all of your thoughts/doubts before surgery. You need to be absolutely sure this is right for you.

I moved this post here to Pre-Op so the gals here can give you the support you need. Many here, feel scared and unsure and have had those conversations with their doctors. I hope they will chime in and give you strength.

CinnamonChic:

What you are experiencing now is completely normal! It is a very overwhelming time, but just so that you know the waiting is the hardest part. A very dear friend of mine told me that taking things only 5 minutes at a time would help and it did!

I am sorry that you don't have a special someone in your life to be there when you wake up.

I too have always been the strong one in my family. I am that way on the outside, but inside I am completely falling apart at times. My mother had a hysterectomy was she was only 27 and seemed to think that because she got over it right away that I would too. It seems that because I never looked "sick" then I couldn't possibly be according to them. I suffered from severe endo for many years and have had two prior laparoscopies to relieve the pain. They only worked short term and my TAH was the final option.

I can tell you that having the surgery has been the best thing that I have ever done for "myself". I have a wonderful dh and two beautiful dd's that were there for me.

Perhaps, you can have a big long sit down with your family and explain that you ARE in pain and that you are feeling SAD and LONELY and really need them to be there for you? If they can't then please know that we WILL be here for you day in and day out to help you through the process and the recovery.

This site has been such a wonderful source of comfort and a place that I can come to when I need to vent or laugh. I think that you will find the same things here that we all have!

Keep your chin up and know that soon it will all be over! Just because these "parts" are being removed, does not make you any less of a woman and does not mean that someday you will not find a special someone for you too! I think that these kinds of surgeries take alot of courage and can really set our emotions into a tail spin!

We are all here for you for whatever you need! Perhaps, there is someone on this site that lives nearby you and can be an even bigger source of support for you!

Thinking of you and sending you a big

Peace and strength to you, Cinnamon.

You are in the right place for encouragement...and many more sisters will chime in soon, so please keeping checking back in.

I have two weeks to go, but have known I would have to have a total hyst (ovaries and cervix too) since July. I have been through a fight with insurance and had to change surgeons. There is always something that attempts to block an easy passage to the other side of all of this. I too look forward to finally being without endo and ovarian pain from cysts. You are correct in stating that people who don't have this type of pain don't understand it. They sometimes think we *just* have cramps. Nope. Not even close.

Please read other entries from this pre-op forum...you will see that the waiting is really the most difficult part. Especially if you tend to worry and obsess over things. (I'm guilty of that...still working on it!)

What I have learned along the way:

1. Thinking positive only helps me. With everything...not just this surgery.
2. I know how beautiful I am inside and outside...not because of my physical beauty necessarily, and definitely not because of my uterus, ovaries, and cervix. Without them and the pain they cause, my light will shine even more strongly.
3. I am loving and loveable. It starts with me loving myself...not in an egotistical way, but in a way that I show self-caring to myself...in how I care for myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The more I care for myself, the easier it is to give to others. Also, others are drawn to me because of who I am and how I am.
4. This too shall pass...sometimes not quickly enough and sometimes too quickly. Regardless, I am not in control of the universe, nor do I want to be. I am just taking my life one day at a time. When it gets rough and I start worrying, then I slow it down to one hour at a time.

Please talk to your doctor about your feelings. Get a second opinion if you need to. Surround yourself with positive friends and family members who give you the moral support and confidence you need to keep going. If you have always been the "rock" for everyone else, you need to ask for support now. I get myself in trouble when I try to handle things on my own. I have found that I am the one who makes me feel alone...by isolating myself and not wanting to burden anyone.

Cinnamon, please know that you are very normal. You are human. Just like the rest of us out here. Keep posting and keep reading. We are here for you!

Much love and hugs

blueeyedartist

You are not alone or crazy! I too am single with no one in my life and only 39. I am due to have a TAH on the 20th. I am luckly that I have my Mom and she does know and understand my pain. When I have a little doubt she reminds me how much pain I am in and that what kind of life do I really have with all of this pain. Darn near nothing! I suffer from terrible hormonial migraines and endo that would have me in bed for 2 weeks a month. I am very tought when it comes to taking pain, the strong one. This last year as knocked me for a loop. I am lucky I am so ready to get my life back.
When both of my Doctors asked if I was ok with this my relpy was this was one thing I was not going to argue with God about. I trust his path for me and in heart I know it will all be ok, if I don't fight it and just live my life the best way I can. Why should I live to be in pain so much if I can do somethig to make it stop? There are so many who can not do anything to make their pain stop.
I am so sorry that you feel so alone. That is a terrible feeling, sometimes I think worse then physical pain.
I know people say don't look back just keep looking forward, today I say look back, look at the pain. Now tell your self that pain is getting ready to end. Think of how much happier you will be without it. That happiness will make you even more lovable then you are now. Happiness is what people want to surround themselves with. Think about someone you found yourself really wanting to be in love with, I bet they were happy and strong. That will be you in just a few more months.
I really do.

Cinnamon-

You are definitely not alone!!! Anytime you need a pick-me-up, just log into this website and you will find that we are all here for you! How you are feeling is perfectly normal! I had all of the same emotions before my TAH. You get to the point that you have become used to life with pain and you have adjusted your schedule to "accommodate" it. You wonder as you get closer to surgery if the pain is that bad to warrant the operation. I never realized until after the fact how good it is to feel good and how bad I was feeling before hand. Love yourself and allow yourself to find peace. Focus on the new you that you will have and focus on spending the rest of your life without the endo rearing it's ugly head every time you turn around. Once you get through it and get back on your feet, you will realize that you deserve to feel good and you will feel like a whole new world has opened up. You schedule will be your own...not your pains. I hope you find as much comfort and support from this website that I have and I hope that your family and friends are there for you. Don't be afraid to ask for the help and support. I too am one of those women who everybody labels the "strong one" and I know how hard it is to ask for others to step in. I felt completely alone beforehand and then I was completely blown away at how loved and taken care of I was afterwards. The people in your life love you and they may not understand exactly how you feel right now, but the time will come when they can show you their love and support. I have never in my life gotten so emotional over a casserole as I was when it was being dropped off when I got home from the castle!!!! I wish you the best of luck and know that we are all praying for you!!! You are never alone in this!!

Hang in there!!!

Cinnamon,
You are not going crazy, and you have a family to talk to right here & we do understand. We have all had doubts, I kept trying to talk myself out of it even trying to convince myself the pain wasn't that bad . I do think the Holidays have a little something to do with it. Believe me when you find the man worthy of your love, it won't make any difference to him what organs you have or don't. Your thoughts should be how wonderful your life will be without pain, just think of all the things you will now be able to do , the plans that got ruined because of this illness. You have a New Begining coming your way, the pains during your recovery will pass. I think you need to give up a little strength, let others know you now need their support...there is no shame in it. We can't be with you physically but we will all be praying for you & you can count on us 24 hours a day . I agree to speak with your let him/her know your mental health as well. You take care and call anytime you need to.

God Bless
Lori

C.C.-
No, you are not alone! You may be on the other side of the "pond", but we all share a common experience: we are going through a major health crises and that is just plain scary. We are here for you, so keep logging in and we are here for you!

Hey C.C. I'm a few days after you. It's okay to be the strong one for friends and family, but you'd be surprised at the response when you do share your fears and what you need to go through with them.

I had rarely shared what's going on personally except good things but when I reached out to friends and family they were there for me through the whole lab rat experience. Some of them had been through the same thing but I didn't know until I mentioned that I was looking at major surgery. I had HysterSisters in my circle of friends and family who answered a lot of questions for me.

And you have all of us here, just a keyboard away. Think about what you haven't been able to do all of this time because of the endo and then think about all that you will be able to do when it is removed from your life. It'll give you something positive to look forward to and plan new activities. I know I have to lay off training horses and women's hockey for a bit, but already have the anticipation building for the all of the energy I will get back to pursue those activities and more when I'm all healed up.

Focus on the positive and plan little things to keep you occupied, you might want to treat yourself to something nice like a spa day...even ladies in waiting deserve pampering.

While I do have my DH and he is very supportive with my decision, he's not the best listener when I really need to talk.

My mother for some reason does not want me to go thru with this procedure even tho she says it's the best thing she ever did. I have no clue what she is thinking other than she is in denial her kids are getting old too.

This board has been wonderful for information and feedback from others that are in the same boat. We princesses in waiting are very lucky to have those that have already made the journey to help us along.