About to go crazy with DH

Only another day and I'll be heading to the castle. My DH is acting like this surgery is all about him. For instance, we had a vacation planned to go to Colorado( I'm in Arkansas) this summer. Upon me and my doctor deciding to go ahead with this surgery my DH was rather upset we couldn't go on the trip. This past weekend he decides we need to take some sort of a vacation and plans for us to go to Branson for a mini-vaca. I was planning on finishing my housework, laundry, etc. and having possibly a day of pampering this week before goin into the hospital on Friday. Anywho, we did end up going and returned this afternoon. Now I have a ton of additional laundry to do , not to mention errands to run tomorrow along with my pre-op, packing my bag and tonite I had to deal with him wanting a last go around of sex I haven't been getting much sleep and am more worried about my kids and myself having clean clothes after this surgery, the bills getting paid, etc, etc, etc. Does anyone else have probs with their husband acting like this is all about them instead of u? Mine also informed me he's gonna work the day after I go into the hospital. He acts like it's not a big deal but to be honest it hurts my feelings. The last surgery I had which was ablation he acted like it was a major thing for him to take off work to take me to have it done. When I had my tubes tied he didn't even go. I had to ask his mom to take me and he expected me to be able to cook, clean, etc. after a day of being at home. I'm not sure I'll be able to count on him to help me around the house for a couple weeks after and I think he'll guilt me into doing stuff. I know I'm rambling but has anyone else experienced this?

Wow. My feelings would be hurt as well. I'm sorry you have to go through this. My only solution would be to toss him back into the sea...but since that's not an option - the only thing I can think of would be to have a heart to heart talk where you directly state what you're feeling and how much help you're going to need. They say men like solving problems...so give him a nice problem to solve. Something like, "Your arm is broken because I whacked you with a brick...What are you going to do?"

My DH tends to try to ignore what worries him - that way it isn't quite real. Maybe that's what your DH is doing too. He may be worried and doesn't want to show it. I found that the info for men here at "Mr Hyster Sister " helped my DH a lot. He read a lot of it and it helped him understand what to expect and how best to help me. Maybe it would be helpful for your DH too. Here's the link:
http://www.misterhystersisters.com/

I agree that a talk with him about how you feel might be helpful. Just remember to try to stay calm.

Best wishes.

S

You're asking if I had these problems with my dh before surgery -- answer is "no". He was a little skeptical at first because I told him I'd be off work for 6-8 weeks. He said his mom was "up and around" in 10 days after her hyst (which of course was 30+ years ago). I said nothing, but a few days after this discussion, he said we needed to ask my dd (who was 16 at the time) to come stay with us while I was off work. I asked him why, and he said, "Well, you won't be able to do any cooking or helping with ds (3) -- we'll need her to help out." I accused him of reading my books on hysterectomy, but he just said, "I can use a computer, too." I never heard another word about how *easy* the surgery was, and he never pushed me to do anything after the surgery. As for sex, I honestly don't remember if we had a "final hurrah" before the surgery -- but I do know that dh has always maintained (after surgery, and after ds was born) that he had no interest in having sex unless *both* of us can enjoy it... so he wouldn't dream of trying for something when I wasn't feeling well or not completely healed.

I don't know what the answer is with your dh, but I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I do know you can't make him do anything, and trying to "guilt" him into it isn't going to help any, either. Ask another relative or a friend to come with you if he won't go. Take care of yourself. Go about your self-pampering and heal -- even if it means going somewhere else to do it.

As for all the stuff you need to get done before the -- whatever gets done gets done, and whatever doesn't get done will either get done later or doesn't really need doing. Don't fret about it -- again, just take care of yourself. That's your job right now.

I told my DH and 2 DS's that if they are not willing to help me in my moment of need to please say so and that I would be back in 6 weeks. I was not bluffing, I would have left and they knew it. I have had no problems since. I realize what works for one doesn't work for all but you may need to do something that really gets his attention.

Thanks for your replies. Sorry to report I managed to have a melt down this morning--I mean completely just sitting in my car at the bank this morning and I was sobbing. My kids must think Mommy is nuts. I told them I'm just having a bad day and crying sometimes helps me to feel better. Well, between running around like a maniac today and going to my pre-op, I managed to get most of everything done I wanted to around the house. We'll see how long it stays that way. I'm just gonna take one day at a time and just get through tomorrow with my faith that God will take care of everything that needs taken care of. Again, thanks for your words of encouragement.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with a difficult DH on top of your worries about your upsoming surgery. I hope that he comes around and steps up to the plate for you.
You are smart to make arrangements for you after-care that don't rely on him in case he continues his behavior.

Don't you dare let him guilt you into anything! If he has nothing to wear, remind him where the washer and dryer are. If he tells you he's hungry, point him in the direction of the kitchen. If he has nothing to eat off of, sobeit. He can do the dishes. You won't be cleared to do anything but rest until your 2-wk follow up. At my 2-wk I was cleared only for driving, dishes, dusting and vacuuming. I haven't touched the vac because I read here that floors are a no no.

Your job after your surgery is recovery ONLY.
I was told here that this is your one chance to recover right and take it! Its good advice that I have repeated to myself many times over.

I can't remember where I read it, but for the first week or two, if it weighs more than a mug of tea/coffee or a paperback book, leave it alone! I let my curiosity get the better of me - I wanted to see what lifting the kettle felt like - and I was astonished by how much raising my arm hurt my belly. You wouldn't think there'd be a connection, but there is. Don't be guilt-tripped into doing things just to save grown-up people a bit of inconvenience. As someone else said, they know where the washing machine and drier are, and the shops are full of ready-meals, sandwiches, and a variety of other goodies for those who don't want to cook or haven't got the time. Civilisation as we know it won't come to an end if you need time out to recover - and if you aren't allowed to do it properly, you suffer and so do those around you.

I have the some problem with my DH and frankly I thing a lot has to do with the fact that he is just plain frustrated. In the 12 years we have been together I have had 2 laps and 1 abdominal that were supposed to "fix me". Not to mention at least 5 days a month in bed in pain and many other days just complaining about my back hurting. I feel like I have worn out my welcome so to speak.

My last surgery I felt so bad about being down and him having to do everything that I forced myself to get up 4 days later with a 6" incision and fold laundry. I was also changing diapers that day and every day therafter.

This time I have asked for him to be there the day of surgery and that night in the hospital because I am just done with being the "tough" one in the family. Well if you see my previous post about "being frustrated" that did not go over to well.

I am afraid that I don't have any answers for you about your DH but I am here if you need someone who totally understands what you are going through! Hang in there at least you know you have the support of us