need to vent,no support at home

First off I'd like to say thx to all the hystersisters for all you do here and for coming up with such a great website.So to all the hystersisters out there I send mega hugs and kisses and many thx.I'm scheduled for my hyst on 12/7 and very nervous.I have read and learned alot here but still scared out of my mind.I try to talk to my dh and mother-in-law about how I feel but all I get back is-you'll be fine,you worry to much.My dh won't even go to pre-op app with me,he says all I need him to do is be there when I wake up in recovery and to help me after I come home.I feel like crying when I try to talk to them and get nothing back.This is a major thing for me and they are treating it as no big deal.They just don't seem to care how I am feeling or how scared I am.I know part of my dh thinking is that I'm a strong woman and can handle this and he's right I can but having their support would make me feel alot better,less nervous and I wouldn't feel I'm going into this alone.I guess thats enuff venting for today.
Thx for reading my post

This is a great place to vent. I use this site to vent and question the things I don't understand about the surgery. My mom does listen but she has her ideas about what I should be doing.

I can't really talk to my dh about this but he has noticed when I am nesting or reading a lot about hysterectomies and asks me if I am nervous. I may talk a little bit but not much because I don't know if he wants to hear about the details. He is going to my pre-op next week. I put it on his work calendar and told him to make sure he went. I didn't really give him a choice. I feel like he needs to go to hear what is going on and to understand what I can and can't do after the surgery. I am lucky though because he is an insurance agent and so I can go in and put things on his calendar once in a while. I do get a lot of "you'll be fine" but in an understanding, reassuring way.

I am getting really nervous but the kids and cleaning keep me busy. I have a 16 yr old daughter with autism (aspergers), a 14 yr old son (both are in high school) and I have an 8 yr old son. The driving to activities, work, school and helping with homework keeps me really busy after school and I have been exercising and working during the day.

Our surgeries are only 6 days apart. I scheduled mine two months ago and I can't believe that it is now two weeks away.

Keep venting and talking on this site. It helps.

Good luck with your surgery.

Lori

Hi Ladies,
I only discovered this site a few nights ago (basically when finally got a diagnosis and treatment options) but have found it to be a wonderful place to vent, get all my questions answered, and to talk to people who tuly understand. Our mom's and DH's try (at least most of them do) but like you said, I worry about overwhelimg my DH with too many details and my mom has never been through anything like this, so while she is kind and reassuring, I end up holding back.
I can tell you though, that I enlisted my DH's help in writing a list of questions for my pre-op and then asked him to go with me to help me remember the answers. He was much more willing and even happy to go when he felt like A) he was needed and B) he could actually actively help me get through this. Originally he said he held back because he felt lost and helpless in this woman's world and like there was nothing he could do to make it easier for me. He told me that after I gave him a job and a reason to do it, he felt usefull and wanted to help more. He has been very supportive and encouraging since then and I am just relieved.
I don't go in till 12/21 so hopefully will be home in time to open presents!
You all take care and keep venting! Your venting helps me to feel better because I know I'm not alone in my fear.

Hi sisters.
I've already had my surgery (five weeks post op tomorrow), but I've been right where you are and, for the most part, still am.

I wished with everything in me that I could get my BF of 9 years to understand, but since I pushed for the surgery, he felt (and still feels) like I should have to deal with the consequences.
To the point he got very angry with me one week before and demanded I not have it done.

I won't go into how ugly it really got, but it was a real eye-opener for me.

Now, I'm sure your situations aren't anywhere near as bad as that, but nudge those guys a little bit and let them know you need those strong shoulders to lean on....now more than ever.
Like most men, they probably just don't know what to say or do and we're not a whole lot of help because we aren't exactly sure ourselves.
If you need a hug...tell him that's all you want.
If you need an ear...nibble on it a little to get his attention.
If you need someone to take out your frustration on....let me send you my address.....no, no....I'm just kidding.
Tell him you're scared and you need him there with you through everything, not just waking up to see his pearly whites.

And, if you still can't get through to him, call on a friend. We're here 24/7.

Good luck, ladies and here's to a speedy recovery!

Hello;
I think most of our loved ones are afraid themselves to think about the "what if's" of our surgery.
They don't know what to say or how to act around us as we prepare ourselves for our surgery.
For the men or SO in our lives, it may help to print out some points of interest for them to read from the mister hystersister site. The link is at the top of the page here. (Where it says, "for men").
Even if he says he isn't intrested in reading it, leave it around he will read it eventually.
Try saying "Listen honey ... I know I will be fine but" .... and complete that sentence. (I need you to come with me to my pre-op because ..... I need you to hold me tight because .... etc.)
Sometimes it is all in the way you adress it.
Let him know it is okay to be scared, to talk to you about how he feels.
This surgery for men is something they can not take control of. They want to protect us and they can't. That is scary for them.
Give him extra hugs and see how many you get in return.

Take care and best wishes to you!



Sybie

I wasn't in a bad state pre-op (partially because of all the support I got here) and so I didn't want my dh there at pre-op.

The day of surgery, I was actually grateful that my aunt showed up in the pre-op area so I could "get rid of him" while I was answering all of the questions, getting the IV started, doing the enemas, etc.....I didn't need ANOTHER nervous person in my room with me! But then, I'm the type of person who didn't even want the doctor in the room with me when I had my c-sections. I just want to be left alone.

Much as it sounds good to think you can demand someone to act a certain way, you just can't!!

But I understand you needing support and hugs. I have found that when I need dh, it's better to ask seriously but quietly rather than to rant, rave and cry. I'm not suggesting that you're ranting and raving at all -- it's just my experience that I get a better response when I seem truly hurt rather than simply enraged.

Good luck to you. If your man won't support you, we're always here for you.

For me, I have always been an I'm strong, I can handle anything person, and my dh knows that. This is different for me, and I have to let him know that without him being too overwhelmed. So, we talk about it in little bytes at a time. I think it's best for both of us that way.
Ronda

I have the same sort of support problems...
mom had a hyster almost 9 yrs ago and all she says is "You will be fine, I was and so will you" but apparently mom doesn't remember I was there for here completly. She went in 2 days after I had my first son and when she came home I was taking care of her, her 2 kids (3 and 4) my newborn and myself.
I asked her if she was going to come over and help me out for the first day or so... she says I wont need it and she cant afford the gas! (She lives 4 miles away!!)
My S.O. ... that's a whole new obstacle! His family calls him to see how I am and asks him if he is ok, to which he replies "Yeah I'm fine... why wouldn't I be? I'm not the one getting cut open!"
I asked him if he will be able to help me out... he said "If you get on my nerves I will close the door and turn up the radio"
So yeah except for you ladies... I guess I'm alone on this one.
I took my S.O. to one of my Dr appts. b4, and when they did the exam I reached for S.O. out of pain.... all I got was an elbow.
So I will do the pre-op myself this time and take a voice recorder to help me remember.

Good Luck to us all!!!
Melissa
_______
Adenomyosis sched. TAH 12/6

Oh, Melissa, please keep us informed about how you are doing. You sound like the giver in your relationships. Now, you're going to need to be the recipient. We will be here for you.
I try to remember what Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. I think that's true. I have always tried to teach people that I am self-sufficient and independent - this is complicated by the fact that I have cerebral palsy -so I have had to fight for my independence. Unfortunately, then, people don't know how to react when you do need help, and sometimes, it's hard for me to admit I need the help. So, I guess it's time for retraining them and myself.
Blessings to you, Melissa. Hang in there!
Ronda

I didn't really get much support from BF..he felt it was a woman thing and I should talk to other women about what I was going through. I went in last friday morning for surgery, he left as soon as they were wheeling me into the OR..came back about 12..left again came back at 8 for a half hour and I didnt see him again until saturday night (or hear from him). I have not heard from my mom in two days, and only one sister the day of surgery (I have 4 sisters). I know how it feels not getting support, what can ya do but take care of yourself? Get a lot of rest and don't worry about them even if it hurts. Getting better is #1. I am slowly getting out of the hurt stage and working toward being better physically, mentally and spiritually than I have ever been...I have six weeks..might as well make the best of it!!