Heart Aching Something Awful Tonight. Tears.

I am having my LAVH on April 14th and tonight my heart aches something awful. A friend is celebrating the birth of her beautiful daughter and called to share about it. I am so very happy for her...so why does something inside hurt so bad? I have been blessed immensely, beyond our hopes and prayers, as I have two beautiful children. Our prayers, the cries of our heart were heard and our lives have been deeply enriched by God's great gift of our little girl and boy. We were told we would never have children, and now God gave us two...so why then does it hurt something awful inside right now. How can you be so happy for someone and yet so sad at the same time? And why does it still hurt so much when the love that I have for our children is so amazing? I feel like a terrible friend, even more maybe a terrible person for feeling this way. Tears. I had severe complications after both deliveries that threatened my life, hemorrhage and infection. It was extremely frightening to think that I wouldn't be able to raise the two children who entered our family only hours before and captured our hearts forever. I find I become so emotional when I hear other stories of deliveries and coming home. I know what it is like to have to say goodbye to the precious child you only just met. I know what it is like to look over and see my dear husband so full of fear that he completely emotionally shuts down. I remember even my OB saying, "You are supposed to have your baby and go home..." I know. My friend had to go to the OR and have some stitches placed under general anesthesia. She commented to me, "it was not big deal." She talked casually about it saying she didn't think having "surgery" was anything to get upset about. I guess I thought perhaps the experience would make her more compassionate, but I guess not. I don't feel I can share how I feel about my surgery, because it seems she truly believes it is nothing to be concerned about. It made me feel very different, very isolated and very alone. We never had plans to have another child. For as mentioned we never thought we would be blessed with any. It just hurts that there is nothing more that can be done to help me beyond having the hysterectomy, that it is so final. For so many years it was all about preserving reproduction and we went to great lengths and now we are doing something to take all that away. And tonight...something inside hurts.

{{HUGS}}

I know how you feel. I'm not planning on having anymore children either, but I belong to another message board and it has a pregnant mommies forum and sometimes I feel like I can't even look there. I feel cheated - but, how can I possibly feel cheated?

I keep hoping that when it's all over and it's not looming ahead of me anymore that I'll feel better. I hope you will feel better, too.

Dear Blessings, I bet you are a wonderful Mom. I can tell from your posts (not just this one but most of your posts) that you are a very tender-hearted woman.

I was told after the birth of my 3rd child that I should have a tubal to prevent ever having children again. My uterus was paper thin and near rupture. I knew for my health I shouldn't have anymore, my dh didn't want anymore, financially it was wise not to have anymore....but it still hurt to make that decision.

Hang in there, your doing what needs to be done. Any try to have patience with your friend. Someday she will understand what she's done to you.

(((((((((((((((((((big huge hugs!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))
Linda

You are not alone. I am 10 weeks out, and I still am having problems with this issue. Even though I did not want any more children, and have been blessed with a son. I was also blessed with twins, but they are in heaven now, so I feel very grateful for my son!! However, there is still a heaviness in my heart when I see someone with a new baby, or see maternity clothes.

Worse yet, I went to my DH Granny's 90th birthday party last night, and was asked i don't know how many times by out of state guests, "When will you and Kevin start a family of "Your Own"? Hello????????? Is my son and his daughter not our family??????

At anyrate, know that you are not alone, and always remember that you were blessed with children. My sister, bless her heart, can't have any, and my heart goes out to her.

I know how you feel. I have told a few neighbors about my upcoming surgery but not all. another neighbor of mine at my age is expecting a new 5th baby in July. the excitement about having her shower in the neighborhood is giddy. at the same time I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I will be having my surgery three days before the shower. How can I feel happy and want to celebrate. When part of me is in mourning.
I don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but maybe I am. I tried so hard to have my son and then later had a series of miscarraiges.
I know she doesn't have anything to do with my misfortune But I can't help but feel resentful.
I almost feel happy that I have an excuse not to be at her shower.
Am I a psycho? I'm sad that there will be no more babies in my llife but at this point I'm not ready to celebrate anyone else having one.

Life can be unfare and I realize that.
I'm not ready for a baby shower.

Dear Blessings...
I know exactly how you feel. I have also been blessed with two children and had a very difficult time conceiving/delivering them. I think, and this is just my opinion, that I am more hurt that my body has betrayed me. It failed to do what it was made to do. I had very difficult pregnancies and my husband had a vasectomy a week after baby #2. Occasionally I would feel that thing I like to call an "ovary twinge" when I saw a baby or a friend had one of her own. I would then toss around in my mind that maybe we were to hasty with the vasectomy decision. Then I would talk myself out of this thinking that it was, of course, best for my health, and probably for the best anyway.

I now sit here knowing that my husband went through this vasectomy for basically nothing. That my body has never been good at doing what it is supposed to do.

All I can say is that I hope this feeling passes for you and for me. Know that there are women here that understand what you are going through and that will help you through every step. I feel that having a hysterectomy will cause a person to go through a greiving process. I view my uterus as a symbol of what makes me a woman... why I am special... I was able to grow another human inside of my body and now I am losing that part of me. Maybe that is how you feel as well?

I am sorry that you feel this way. I hope that you find peace in the upcoming days.

Hugs,
Melissa

I too can sympathize with you...I have one beautiful daughter that I feel so blessed to have. My husband had a vasectomy because he was scared for my health to go through pregnancy again. We had agreed we weren't going to have any other children and then when I set a surgery date, I start to get 'pregnancy envy'. My best friend is trying to get pregnant with baby #2 and while I do feel a little jealous, I try to focus on the fact that I am not physically able to care for more than one child right now with the way I feel. I am trying to stay positive and realize that I will be a much better mother to the beautiful daughter I have been blessed with rather than dwell on the fact that I can't have another child. The way I look at it, there's no guarantee I could even conceive again (even if my husband had his vasecotmy reversed) so I try not to dwell on something that may or may not happen. I do sympathize with you though...it does seem unfair at times. Whenever I get really down and out, I think of my aunt who has had endo for years like I have and has had 2 miscarriages and has yet to have a baby. She is truly hurting so I do feel VERY blessed! I hope you will find strength and support to make this easier on you. I wish you all the best.

Thank You. Because of you and this amazing support board I am able to identify, process, and come to accept the array of emotions that attend me these days as I prepare for my LAVH. I cherish that I can share so openly, so freely, what is on my heart. It is because of that I am able to move forward and not stand idle because of fear. It is a blessing to be able to be in the company of women of such compassion.

Today I feel stronger, not because I willed what I was feeling away, but because I gave it a voice...I acknowledged it, I faced it..and now I can let it go.

Blessings.