Scared to Death, and no real support at home

Hi all. I'm new to the site, and am starting to feel like a big baby. My surgery is set for Feb 6, and the closer it gets, the more freaked out I seem to be. I try to talk to my husband about how I'm feeling, and he just brushes me off and tells me that if he thinks about it all the time "like I do" he'd be stressed out and depressed too. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to get the kids to and from school, and take care of our 4month old after surgery. He works full time, and since he's only been at his job for a few months, he says that he can't take any time off to help out for the first few days. I understand that he needs to work, I just wish that he would at least help me try to figure things out so that when i get home i don't have to stress out about that too. He either doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand that I'm really going to need his help, and I don't know how to get through to him. Any suggestions???

I don't have any suggestions about how to take care of a four-month-old post-op. All I can say is that I hope that your husband realizes that you two need to face this together, as a team.

I hope everything comes together. I kind of understand how you feel. I am concerned about childcare and transportation afterwards, too.

Well, on the bright side, the baby is little. I took care of a two-year-old and a newborn by myself after a c-section. It was no picnic, but we all survived.

I know this is stressful, but I keep reminding myself that soon, one way or another, we'll be on our way to healing and feeling much better.

Take care. Have faith. Everything will work out.

We have the same surgery date. I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. This is a great place to vent. I know what you mean about being scared and overwhelmed. Just keep talking to him and to everyone here. It's reassuring to know everyone here feels for you and is pulling for you!
Good luck

Is there any relative that can help you? Men will never understand what women have to go through. I am so sorry you don't have a more understanding and sympathetic DH. I will pray for you for guidance in getting everything organized beforehand. Good Luck, Best Wishes Cath

If you have school-age children, do you have any relationships with the parents of their friends? My DD managed a number of sleepovers in the first grade immediately after my surgery, and friends' parents saved us any number of times in those immediately first post-op days.

If you are part of a faith community, they often have helping committees that can help you organize baby-sitting, whatever. I will tell you that most four-month-olds weigh enough to be over your immediate post-op lifting instructions; I was told no more than a loaf of bread or half-gallon of milk (i.e. a pound or two, especially in the first two weeks). You will not be able to drive safely, either for yourself or your children, but carpooling is another way other parents can really help you out here.

My DH was able to put in some hours here and there; luckily his job is flexible enough (and he had enough hours) to do his work in that way. However, if your DH has been at his company more than six months, and the company has more than a certain number of employees, he may qualify for Family Medical Leave. That can also be taken a few hours here or there.

Getting a high school student to help out might work out well for you too; again, that's a route I took when I really needed the after-school help.

Have you showed your DH the "Mister Hystersister" site? He obviously doesn't understand the impact of "major surgery," and it seems that he should be going with you to doctors' appointments to get an idea of what you are really facing here. It's easy for him to blow off your concerns, but with a surgeon looking him in the eye, saying that this is a major surgery, perhaps he will get a real sense of what you are facing!

Big s to you,

Audrey

If you can, get your husband to go with you to your preop meeting. he will get a better idea of what you both will be dealing with. This is major surgery. You are going to have hundreds of internal stitches. Doing anything more than a short walk or lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk can do PERMANENT damage to your insides (read about adhesions and prolapses) You will initially need help for everything from sitting up, to standing, to having meals prepared and so on. I'm not trying to scare you , but if your husband doesn't get it and you can't depend on him, then just winging it on your own is NOT an option. You need to be proactive and ask for other help so that someone is there with you through at least the first 2 weeks to help you with your baby (Who you will not be able to pick up right away). Call your family, friends, your church, your neighbors to rally a team behind you. If you don't need the surgery right away, see if you can postpone it till your husband works up the nerve to ask for some leave. No employer worth his/her salt is going to deny time to someone who's spouse is facing major surgery.
Also, read the post op checkpoints on this website. You are right, you do need support and if your husband doesn't provide it, either get other support (and don't apologize for it) or postpone the surgery until you have his or an organized group of people to HELP you.
I know I'm repeating myself, but this is not a geez I don't have anyone to help me and my husband isn't supportive. @#$%*! him and please understand that this surgery and the first few weeks afterward can either go ok or profoundly impact your health for the rest of your life.

Take all the time you need And vent away that is what this site is about. I am having a problem with my husband at the moment he has emotionally checked out. I do know that his mother had this surgery when he was about 19 or 20 yrs old and he is probably rembering this and is worried/. Men sometimes try to keep their emotions to themselves because they dont want to worry You Call him out and have that discussion or make other plans But get help You will need it. If your mother is living and you are on good terms with her ask her if she could help Maby even take the baby for you. I wish you the best aand a speedy recovery for which you only have ONE recovery time So make the best of it
Donna

Had you and he talked about this surgery beforehand? Did you both understand the impact this would have on you and your family? I am just asking cuz it doesnt sound to me as if HE gets it!!!YOU WILL NEED HELP!!!! you wont be able to handle your young one for a while, so call in all your favors to anyone you can and get some help lined up. At the very least for the first week!!! You will be in the hospital> Is he planning on taking your 4 month old then? Forgive me for all the questions, please!!! I am just confused and trying to help in any way possible!!!

Eternally Blonde,
I'm sorry to hear DH is not understanding how serious this is...this IS MAJOR surgery . There is NO way you can care for a 4 month old, you won't be able to pick him/her up. You're not allowed to pick up more than 10lbs for 4 weeks..that includes a gallon of milk! He NEEDS to understand...this is serious, & don't take no for an answer. This is your health & well being, you'll be no good to any of your children if you have complications from not getting the care you need at home. Definately take DH to pre-op appt. print some of the articules here on post-op " Majories Story" this will explain what can happen if you don't follow Dr. orders post-op. Can a relative come stay with you for a few weeks or afford a companion for the hours DH is at work? Check with your insurance company..they may allow it if your Dr. writes an order for home care. Schools sometimes have before & after school care..would the times coinside with DH working hours? If you can get DH to look at www.pelvicfloor.com he will see the surgery you are having maybe he will understand then. Hope I wasn't too harsh but you "both" need to understand.... you have one shot at healing properly, if you need to postpone to get help in order you should really do so. I'll keep you in my prayers.

God Bless
Lori

Hi Eternally Blond,
Another place on this site that might help get more support from your DH is the misterhyster section. On the left of the screen it would be under for men. One thing you said that your husband said is very promising is if he thinks about it he would be stressed or depressed. It sounds like he is concerned to some degree and hopefully as it gets closer he will come around.
Debbie