New to boards referred here....Facing a tough decision

Hello,
I am new here. My name is Kelly and i am 27 yrs old.
I posted at another forum/group i am on and was referred here after someone read my post and replied.
Here is a copy of what i posted there with a few additions and modifications......

I am having a tough time making a decision.I did not think it would be this hard.This time last year i knew what i wanted and now....I dont know.
I have endometriosis and fibroids and ovarian cysts and i have had a abnormal pap with dysplasia and an ultrasound showing abnormal thickening of the uterine lining.
I have had the endometriosis since oct 96 when i had my first laproscopy to laser it off and a uterine suspension for a severaly tilted uterus.I then had another laproscopy in dec of 98 we had tried for a year to get prego and did not, they ended up needing to laser agian.At that time they found a few small fibroids. I got prego right after the surgery with the help of clomid and then got a big surprise and got prego when my dd was 2.5 months old. I have had problems every since my last baby oct 2000. My uterus is still enlarged to about 14 wks prego.My 3 small fibroids are now 1 big one.My periods are pretty much regular but very very heavy w clots and cramps.Actually my lmp was 7-23 I thought i was done but have been having bouts of gushes of blood and then nothing for the rest of the day.My abdomin looks like i am a few months prego.It hurts if my kids jump on my stomach by accident.I have pain with intercourse.I keep having reaccuring ovarian cysts on my right side and i/we(the doc) assume the endometrosis is back. I also had a bad pap last aug and had to have a endomtrial biopsy and a colposcopy. Then repeat paps in 6months which came back ok just yeast and then the other day i had to have another pap.(waiting on results)
This time last year i just wanted the problem fixed and did not care but insurance would not cover it so here we sit waiting. I switched to hubbys insurance w no pre-existing condition and can now try to get the problems fixed. My dilema is a laproscopy will only be a temp fix for the endomtriosis and will do nothing for the fibroids and i am tired of the laps and my hubby does not want to waist the money on a lap. for only temp relief.I do not want the depo lupron shots and it seems the only true relief is a hysterectomy as my doctor has stated for the past 2 yrs now.
I have in the past few months realized i really want one more baby. hubby does not.The other day after my appt i went and talked to him. he says we are at a standoff. He does not want more children.He says he did not want the 3 we have.He says he loves them but they annoy the hell out of him. They are all at grandmas right now this week and he says to me i bet you miss the hell out of them right now and i said yes i do,he replies with he does not.After talking to him again he says he wants to be able to spend time with me and he cant do that with the 3 children we have.He says he loves them and would not change anything but he would not of had kids.He said he is selfish and young still.(27)I think he is just making excuses,my last pregnancy was not easy and our son almost died.I think that is what scares him.
This hurt me more then i thought it would. I cried on the way home that day tho(before talking with him again the 2nd time).Not huge sobs just tears that run down your face. I dont know what to do. I would love to have another baby but i do not see hubby agreeing with this. As my kids get older i wonder what i will do when they are all in school.Who am i?Who needs me?What am i meant to do other then stay home with the kids?Do i go ahead and have the surgery?Do i keep trying to get hubby to understand and agree to have another baby?Do i just live with the pain and discomfort.
I know i am so overly blessed to have had the 3 wonderfull children i do. I had one misscarriage and i know how painfull that is and how it stays with you forever.My children are wonderfull gifts and i love them dearly.
But these are such hard choices and so emotional.It is all so final and I truely do not know what to do. I am hurt by what hubby said. I love my kids and i know he does to,but i can not imagine my life with out my kids.

Am i making since?I feel as if i am rambling.But to be 27 and have to make such a final choice.

I could use any words of advace or encourgement.



____________

Hi,
Just wanted to send you big (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) as I have been there too.
I had two children when I was told I needed an ablation to stop the bleeding, as they said I was in danger from the heavy blood loss (I have PCOS, and possible adeno - heavy bleeding and lots of pain). I begged hubby for another, and he always said no (had had two caesareans and 3 miscarriages, only two diagnosed, but he was worried about me). In the end I talked him round, and we ended up with triplets (7 months old now). He got a shock, but he loves them to pieces.
I think if you have any doubts whatsoever, then a hyst isn't for you, yet. It's a big decision even if you don't want kids, let alone when you're still so desperately wanting one.
Maybe counselling might help? Someone to talk to who just listens, and you can just get all your feelings out.
As for who will need you when the children go to school - they are your children for life, they will always need you
Take care and hope you can work things out,
Lisa
xxxx

Kelly-

You dear soul. What a full plate! Seems like gyne. stuff is not your only woe. I, too, know the dilemma of more children/no more children, I am 31 and I have 2 little ones.
Because of my gyne. stuff, I might not be able to have more. I'll bet you know that if you and your husband do not agree on whether or not to have more children, things are messier. He's right when he admits he is immature- and I know from experience!! I can't stress enough how important a stable relationship is in determining having more children. Don't you DARE sell yourself short. You sound like you care for your children, and the other reply is so true-your children will always need you. I have found that for my husband and I to have alone time, it sometimes means getting a sitter for a couple of hours just so we can go grocery shopping. Not very romantic, but at least we have time together. Alot of people recommend date nights for husbands and wives. It may only be once a month for you two now, but try it. Because I work outside the home, I even take mini-vacations by mysely(for a few hours) to dowhatever I want. Hey, I have even gone to Wal-Mart at 9:30pm, after the kids were in bed, for alone time! I personally believe that stay-at-home moms need even more of a break than I do!! If, perhaps, your husband is not supportive, seek out others who can support you(at church, mom's groups, etc. ) Maybe some other ladies at this site can be of encouragement.

Hope you find answers.

Kelly:

I can well understand what a painful betrayal your husband's statements must have been for you. And he may well be coming from a place where he's feeling like your relationship with him comes last, after dealing with the children. That's a very hard realization...and for you, it probably feels like he's just one more child, demanding something of you that you may not be able to give.

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he must be overwhelmed with the three that you already have, coupled with your health problems. I know that my DH (not always so "dear") sometimes feels overwhelmed and overlooked with the one child that lives with us and his son (who lives out of state). He feels very much like he comes at the bottom of my priorities list (which, since I work at two jobs, etc. is often true). He doesn't have any regrets...and we lost two on the way to the one we now have, and nearly lost both of us in the process of her birth. But we are older, and there's only one, not three in such close order.

The thought that came to my mind as I read your post was how exhausted you must be on a daily basis -- dealing with three young children with probably chronic anemia and certainly chronic pain. And your description of your periods sounds like adenomyosis, which is where the endo infiltrates the muscle wall of the uterus and causes all sorts of grief. The clots you describe and sudden "flooding" are very characteristic of that condition.

The problem is, there's only one cure for adeno...unfortunately, it's the hyst . And you run some significant risks trying to carry a pregnancy to term with adeno, such as placental problems.

I understand, at your age, the reluctance to make such a final decision for yourself and your family. And you're doing the right thing...it sounds like you're researching your options, and trying to find out where your partner stands in all this. But look at the quality of your life. It's hard enough to be a parent (not to mention the financial aspects). But to be a parent when your health is so significantly compromised as well makes it sooo much more difficult!

I know that I am a better parent, freed from the monthly mood problems I always had and from the constant bleeding and pain. Yes, I was much older (20 yrs or so, but who's counting? ) when I had my surgery. And you will have to consider the risks and benefits of surgical menopause, as your doctor is likely to recommend removal of both ovaries given your history.

Another question to look at is your family cancer history, with the history of abnormal Pap smears. Have they checked those Paps for HPV? It's a virus that's linked with cervical cancer in some women. Again, you have to look to the future...if you're having frequent problems now, you may want to ask your doctor what he thinks the risks are of cancer in your future. That will have some influence on your decision-making!

I'm so sorry that your partner is not able to be more supportive of your choices. But he may be seeing how much distress you are in, and in an immature, guy sort of way, he just wants a healthy, happy wife.

BTW, a word on the "stay-at-home" issue. I found that when my kid started school, she needed me around more than ever! There's homework, music lessons, playdates, whatever. And I find that being home, she can have her friends over, where I know what they are doing, rather than being at an after-school program where all they do is play on the playground. They need you so much then, to talk with about their day, to volunteer in their classroom, to work with their teachers if any problems arise. My stepson's mom has a very demanding job...and they've lived in an area with no after-school choices. He is a latchkey child -- and his grades have really reflected it in these past three years. Don't worry...they'll definitely need you when they start school, more than ever!

Counselling is an excellent idea, for both you and your husband to come to some sort of consensus about all of this -- in a safe place with (hopefully) a non-biased mediator. I hope you're able to do that, and that your husband is willing to do it with you. It's an excellent sign that he says " he wants to be able to spend time with me". That's important! And you're lucky that they're able to spend time at grandma's -- it gives you two the space and time to try to work things out.

Big s to you...and take care of yourself -- as much as possible -- OK?

Audrey