Defining womanhood

Hi, B.W.!

I'm looking at this from the 'other side' since I've already had my hysterectomy.

The way I see it, the things that define your womanhood aren't connected to your uterus; your caring, compassion, patience, joy in family, your feminine insight, humor, moodiness, (yes, even that!) ability to multi-task, your drive, your ambition, your passion, your domesticity, your desire for the best in --and for-- those you love... these things have nothing to do with an organ that isn't doing what it should be doing.

The things I do now, the decisions I make, the way I spend time, the things that are important to me, the things I'm passionate about, the things I don't like, the things that make me angry, the things that make me happy the things I love... None of these things have changed since my hysterectomy.

You will be okay. I promise.

Be blessed,
Beseda

Kathy - thank you for the post. I didn't have the luxury of getting to explore options. I was bleeding so massively (suddenly, too, with no history of anything other than mild perimenopause) that I began to experience cardio, pulmonary, and anemia complications. The hysterectomy literally saved my life.

But I have been surprised to find since then that most hysterectomies are not performed to save a woman's life. Statistics say that nearly 60% of all women will have had a hysterectomy by the age of 60 and I wonder if hysterectomy is simply the "easy" way out for doctors (and women) too unwilling to work with their patients to explore alternatives. Would the amputation of an organ be an option if we weren't women? Makes me wonder...

Any kind of emergency surgery can be frightening. I'm glad yours came out so well, Bonnie!

I think that when something needs to be done, it's great to have the time to explore every option, to wrap our heads around what to expect, to prepare for our recoveries, to research and make an informed decision. It's the best of both worlds.... good health in/from a healthy, informed mental state.

It's part of our feminine resilience. Viva la femme!

Beseda

I think you have received some really good info here. I am just one week out but I in no way feel my womenhood diminished. In fact I feel I will be a stronger person with more energy to accomplish what I want to do. I've had daily pain for almost two years, having my uterus removed has taken that pain away.

It was defining me by giving me so much pain every day. I picked myself up and carried on but always with the daily worry that something terrible was going on. So, for me removing it is making me a more relaxed relieved person.

I would talk to as many people as you can. It is your decision and as all the literature here on Hystersisters says it has to be a decision you are comfortable with. It is good to discuss any worries you have now.

Good luck.

Thank you Kathy for the suggestion of the other forum. I will definitely check it out. Also, thanks Beseda so much for your thoughts about defining your womanhood. I do believe that all those things make up my womanhood as well and I hope to find strength in them. I am worried about being able to take the missing parts and fill the space with all those other things. I have always felt that so much of the power that women have comes from our ability to create life. This is a secret of creation that women share than men or society or any other system can ever share or know. I feel like I'm losing my sense of power as a woman. I am very focused on finding that power without having created life, without having given birth, etc.

Thank you ladies (I will say it in every reply!) so much for responding with such personal and heartfelt thoughts.

Hi be.doubleyou!

I wanted to drop by as your diagnoses is endometriosis. We do have an Endometriosis Support forum you might want to check out. You will find many of us there who have been diagnosed with endo, both pre and post op women.

If you do not have an endometriosis specialist I would strongly advise looking for one before you make your final decision. You also want to be aware that although a hysterectomy is needful and beneficial for some of us with endo, it is not a cure.

A hysterectomy is a major surgery that is not without risks and the decision to have one should not be made lightly. It can be very difficult for us both physically and emotionally. No two of us will have the same experience but we are all here together! Regardless of what you decide, we will offer you information and support! That is what is so great about the wonderful women here at HysterSisters!

I wish you all the best! S

Just wanted to pop back in to say one of the reasons I avoided surgery so long despite pain and the enormous (you could feel it on the outside!) mass was that I didn't want to have an unnecessary hysterectomy. I spent hours worrying about this. I have a journal I kept and many entries start with a variation on "I can't believe I almost went through with this!" But then I'd be in throbbing pain etc. and reconsider before lifting the phone to cancel.

I am very glad I had the surgery. Deep down I felt there was something wrong and it had to be addressed. One of the things that helped, too, was talking very intensely with my doctor about my fears and about how I wanted to keep everything I could so long as it was not diseased.
Sometimes (we're the 40 %!) the surgery is necessary.

be.doubleyou I also wanted to say that sometimes our philosophies get very challenged. My life-long definition was not that life is suffering but in my nuclear family it was that I was the only one who was healthy. I could never be sick because when I was little my dad was always sick (he died when I was 11) and recently my mom has had repeated bouts with congestive heart failure and my sister, too, has spent years unwell. I'm the immortal one! It was very hard to realize for a few weeks I'd be mortal! And I couldn't tell anyone either -- my mom can never know about my surgery and I only told my sister the week before.

I so wish the best for you. The worst time for me was when I didn't know whether the decision was right. Now I'm sure.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by be.doubleyou I feel like I'm losing my sense of power as a woman. I am very focused on finding that power without having created life, without having given birth, etc.

This touched me so much; I have not had children by choice, yet I very much sense that if you and I were friends, you would never let me question my womanhood because of losing that opportunity! Take care of your health in the most appropriate way you can, but remember to give yourself the same compassion and forgiveness that you would give your best friend. I'm standing on the brink myself - even post menopausal, facing a hysterectomy feels like a loss; don't pressure yourself to make it okay, if you are still grieving. The sad truth is that as we age, most women have to face a changing view of their womanhood. No matter what you think defines your womanhood currently, it is deeper and more indestructible than you realize. All I can say is that much of that territory - finding out who you are after menopause (or a comparable loss, like hysterectomy) - reveals its beauty and wisdom when you get there, but it isn't obvious from the outside. My best wishes are with you!

Sugar, your post was so well written. I think all of us with or without children could take a thing or two from it.

I discussed my feelings with my husband this weekend. We both had families before we married in 04. There was a passing moment when we discussed having one of our own. However we did not marry one another for that. He reminded me of all of the things we planned on doing alone in our 40's with out our children, during our conversation and through a smile told me "I just want you to be as healthy as you can, that is all that matters". This is what it is all about, being healthy.

Hi to you all
I totally understand about feeling a loss. Waiting for surgery has been hard as it has been quite a while but on the other hand it has given me lots of time to think. Sometimes too much. lol. I am focusing on my life and what it will be like after recovery. My uterus means so much to me and has served me well as I have four beautiful children but it isn't the same as it once was. I don't want this enlarged, tumour ridden, prolapsed uterus any more. I am planning a holiday early next year with all my family, children are now adults, and organising them and their partners is no easy feat. After all my DH and family is what is really important to me. I have been avoiding hyst for several years because I can be so stubborn and wanted to save this special part of my body but enough is enough. You have to make a decision that is right for you and your body, good luck and hugs.