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How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned) How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

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Unread 11-21-2011, 07:57 AM
How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I see a lot of us are worried about recovery. But I'm wondering how to deal with all of the emotions before surgery? I'm not concerned so much about recovery from surgery as I am recovery from losing everything. I'm having a hard time dealing with it already and the procedure hasn't even happened yet. It seems like no one around me understands. When I talk about it, all they say is "You already have kids."

I completely understand that I DO have children. The biggest issue for me is, my husband and I have always wanted to try again for a boy. I was waiting on clearance from my doctor because I have so many issues going on. Unfortunately the clearance didn't come and I had to have a uterine ablation, which failed. I know it was stupid, but part of me always held on to the hope that one day my lining would grow back and we could try then. Now I can't even have that hope anymore.

Are any of you ladies going through the same emotions? Will it eventually pass?
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Unread 11-21-2011, 08:11 AM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

(((hugs))) We have children too, but I always wanted one more. I know she's missing from our family, odd though that may sound... The idea of never being pregnant again is a hard reality to accept. DH has given the "go-ahead" to look into adoption at some point - likely 3-5 years in the future... That's given me some peace. I'm sorry youre facing this reality; grieve for yourself and the consequences of this surgery, but know that you're doing what's needed to be done to give your children and spouse the healthy mom and wife they need. ((hugs)) to you!
Unread 11-21-2011, 08:15 AM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

Sunflower, I had to deal with all of those emotions... even though my baby just turned 21, I always wanted "just one more" ... and my body has made it clear that it wanted "just one more" (I practically lactated at the sight of a newborn).

But for us, there's just no way that having a baby makes sense - medically being only one of those concerns. I'd had my tubes tied at 22 (when they wouldn't give me a hysterectomy) because I'd had such a bad time with pregnancy, I nearly died and so did my babies.

All of those emotions were compounded by two things - my new doc told me that he could have helped me during pregnancy to not be so sick... and someone at church prophesied to me that I could have more children if I wanted. (Fortunately I'm a mature believer and had already heard from the Lord for myself on that issue) But it did hit me pretty hard when she said that.

I would say that any time we have something we want, but for whatever reason we can't have, we really do need to let it go and grieve for it. It's a loss. It hurts. It's hard. Grief is an appropriate response - and then so is moving on from the grief when the time is right, into something else.

For Ken and I, it's to birth as many spiritual children as we possibly can For others, it might be adoption or doing foster care work, or simply accepting however many children they already have.

This is a hard thing, Sunflower - don't let anyone tell you differently - you and your husband make the right decisions for you - but give the emotions the time needed to sort themselves out.
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Unread 11-21-2011, 08:43 PM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I was in a similar situation. I had two kids already but I was hoping for a "surprise" which needless to say did not come. I wept for what I could never experience again but at the same time felt guilty for having those emotions when some of my friends could not have any at all. But I decided that I was entitled to feel them, and learned that my husband, to a bit lesser degree, shared in the same sorrow at the closing of that chapter in our lives. It will take some time for you to deal with that and don't be afraid to mention it to your doctor if you need to.
Unread 11-21-2011, 08:54 PM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I am still a little sad about the surgery, even though I know that a pregnancy is impossible for me. I have one miracle child, and we tried everything we could for another. But it just didn't work out. It took a long time to come to terms with that, so I'm ok with the surgery.
Unread 11-21-2011, 09:33 PM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I have one son and always expected to have a little girl some day. And even when I knew that wouldn't happen I still had a chance, it was possible. And now I've had the surgery and I'm infertile and the option and possibility are gone forever. I'm still grieving the loss of my uterus and it hurts. My family tries to understand and see how difficult this is for me but they don't really know how this feels. I'm sorry you're going through this too. Unfortunately there's no magic answer to make it better. Allow yourself to grieve, communicate to your family that you need their emotional support and do the best you can. Wishing you peace.
Unread 11-21-2011, 10:42 PM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I too am getting ready to close this chapter in my life and it has been incredibly hard. I am blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, but deep down I always wanted to try for one more. Boy or girl, it didn't matter. I watched my sister-in-law have baby after baby (one a year for 4 years) and I couldn't help but feel insanely jealous. I know that its wrong, but I couldn't help it. It just didn't seem fair. All I wanted was 1 more and it just wouldn't happen. I hope that these feelings of loss and sadness will eventually disappear, but I know that I must grieve before that can happen. I wish you and all the other sisters the best of luck with your surgery.
Unread 11-22-2011, 01:30 AM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

Thank you so much ladies. I guess I can at least take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone, or insane! I am blessed with three children, all girls. They truly are what keeps me going, I just can't help being upset about not being able to try one more time for that boy. Thank you all for the encouraging words. I know, one day, we'll all get through this and live happy normal lives. I just hope it's sooner than later!
Unread 11-22-2011, 01:27 PM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I completely understand. Just reading your post made me teary eyed. I have two wonderful kids, but I wanted a third child. The month that my husband and I decided to start trying again, I found out I had thyroid cancer and needed surgery and radiation. My period was a few days late, and I actually took a pregnancy test the morning I found out that I had cancer. I woke up thinking I might be pregnant, and I went to bed knowing I had cancer.

My husband ended up having a vasectomy because I was intolerant to all of the birth control that we tried. My blood pressure skyrocketed. I was too nervous to continue to use condoms, because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant while I had cancer. Even though the option to have a baby has been "off of the table" for a few years now, this still hurts very much. You aren't alone. And just because you already have kids doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be in pain. This is very difficult.

When I'm feeling down about it, I just think about how lucky I am to have these two beautiful children. I'm so blessed to be their Mom. Even though I'm sad, I'm still very grateful for what I've been given. And yes, adoption is always an option in the future!
Unread 11-22-2011, 03:10 PM
Re: How to deal with the emotions?? (children mentioned)

I have no children. I desperately wanted and tried but very unsuccessfully. But, I only wanted one that was mine. I planned on adopting in the first place. My mother said I've talked about it since I was very small. So I've come to terms with it. It still makes me a little sad, but I turn it around when I think of the little lives I'll be changing for the better. Just because my body won't make one, doesn't mean I'm not capable of being a mother. It doesn't mean I can no longer open my home to a child in need. So I'm going to adopt. I look forward to it. There are so many resources out there for parents that are adopting. I've already started utilizing them. I plan on adopting my first somewhere in between 2 and 3 years from now (during which I will be 25.) I know this isn't exactly the journey I expected in life, but maybe it was a way of being told that these children need help. We should use the motherly love we have to open our homes and hearts to a child who needs love. Who desperately wishes they had parents. I'm going to step up and be that. I truly hope some of you can consider this option as well. That child will love you like your own, and you will love him/her like your own, too. I know it. I hope you find some healing in your heart. It is a very hard thing to go through. But I also try to tell myself my hormones are out of whack and tricking me into being sad, so I trick it back.

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