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Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it" Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

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Unread 03-18-2012, 06:24 PM
Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

My HD doesn't understand why I an starting to prepare things 2 months in advance, doesn't want to talk about what help I will need from him or what the surgery will entail, or what to expect from recovery.

He expects everything to be just fine and dandy without any help from him.

Heck - he is even refusing to be at the hospital when I have the surgery.

What, if anything, worked for you to get him to understand that this is serious and he is a partner in this.

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Unread 03-18-2012, 06:29 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

Hi Kitty, I'm also scheduled in about 2 months and have started prepping in advance in terms of getting things I'll need, figuring out where to make my "spot" when I get home from the hospital, etc. Thankfully my husband is being very understanding and supportive--I think partly because he's had many health issues over the years and we have always been there for each other. You might want to print out and leave some information for him about hysterectomy and what it will involve in terms of your recovery. I sent my husband the link to the "Mister Hysters" FAQs, etc. from this site and he looked it over. Maybe going with you to a preop appt. may help too, if he's willing.
Unread 03-18-2012, 06:41 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

so many men are like that including mine! I didnt have alot of time to prepare, I knew I was gonna eventually do it, but wanted to wait till after the holidays. Well the 2nd week of Jan I called my Dr and said lets do it and they called me back a day later and it was 1 month away.
But after I got home and started the recovery, he was like no big deal, etc.... we argue one day and he was liked I was *****y about everything, and that just flew over me!!!! I told him with all the time he is spending surfing the web looking for a d*** dog, (he wants another dog) I said look up hyst. and hormones and see what you find out!!! I was honkerblonked! So now we dont talk much about any of it.
Good luck!
Unread 03-18-2012, 07:02 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

because I have other physical limitations I am starting preparing my home, since I can only do a limited amount each day - and I'm planning what still needs to be done or purchased.

He refuses to read any information, berates me for researching, and says he cant do anything to change it or help me, so he chooses to do nothing. same thing about going to the hospital
Unread 03-18-2012, 07:52 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

If your hustband is internet savvy send him to the Mister Hystersisters (clicky) website.

This site is a sub-site of Hystersisters and helps answer some questions and gives men a better picture of what we go through.

Hopefully this will help him understand.

Good luck to you on your upcoming hysterectomy.
Unread 03-18-2012, 09:16 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

I so understand what you are going through. I will have my TVH on Wednesday, with only a week to prepare. My husband is a truck driver and is planning on being home but is fully expecting me to be able to go do stuff like play golf by Saturday..... I am like um no way buster. He has no clue what I will be going through, (even though his 1st wife had a TAH when they were still married). So I am glad he will only be home four days!

Good luck
Unread 03-18-2012, 09:21 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

My husband is not skittish when it comes to things of the lady-business nature, he delivered both of our children from me. But when it comes to this surgery, he has his head in the sand. I'm trying not to take it personally. He has always gotten moody when I or the kids are sick and there's nothing he can do for us. Whenever I bring up the surgery, recovery or any preparations for it, his eyes kind of roll back in his head.

I'm going out of my way to make sure my little health issue isn't going to inconvenience him by preparing freezer meals (his faves- not mine), cleaning the house from top to bottom and so on.

He really is an awesome dude, but I'm sure I will have to snap at some point. I've been suffering with these issues in silence for the past few years and only now have I made him listen.

I don't think they're just jerks, I think it is more fear for what they can't fix for you.
Unread 03-18-2012, 11:26 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

My guy was the same way, thought I was overblowing the situation, was pretty nice but mostly useless, he was terrible about cleaning and cooking, and got mad when I was grumpy 2 weeks post op. He gets it now, and I told him I was unhappy about how he had(n't) taken care of me. His eyes are open now, but I am thankful for my friends!
Unread 03-18-2012, 11:27 PM
Re: Has anyone else had a significant other who "doesn't get it"

Oh, honey ... I feel for you!! And I can relate. Good thing you're here for support, since you're not getting it from him. Some men are just so uncomfortable with being caretakers, seeing their strong, independent women as somehow needy - maybe they feel like it's too much pressure or something. I don't know - my man deserted me by week 2 b/c he couldn't handle it along w/all his other issues.

Hopefully, though, yours actually cares - he did marry you after all so must love you a lot - now he has to learn how to show it during this time.

If I were still pre-op and knew what I knew now - I'd be a lot more clear and not just "hope" he'd understand and be supportive, I'd lay it out on exactly what I wanted and needed. That might have saved me a lot of disappointment - either by knowing ahead of time he couldn't do it, or he'd be able to get used to the ideas by the time I needed him. Feel free to be clear with your husband, if you think that would help - tell him how you feel and what you will need him to do. You do have lots of time to prepare - take him to appointments with you, show him the info on here, etc. Give him time and a chance - stay positive if you can too.

The emotions tied up with this surgery are another thing that will play a part - it might be uncomfortable for him to deal with, you may feel sad/teary/sensitive a lot more often, etc. Once when I was crying, I got a little pat on the back and he said, "oh here we go, huh?" Ugh.

Remember, there's a lot of support here always - you're not alone! And I'll be hoping that the one person who cares about you the most comes through and shows you!! Good luck with it all.

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