bearing my soul

I went to a new gyn on 9/11 for what I thought was going to be a routine check up. He felt around and sent me for a ultrasound, where he found a solid mass on left ovary and a complex mass on right ovary along with a fibroid and thickened uterine wall. He suggested (strongly) a tah along with bso.

After finding this site (thank you Ladies) I feel that he made the right decision. He also ordered a cat scan which showed gallstones and a appencloith, so he has asked me to find another surgeon to remove my gallbladder and appendix at the same time as hysterectomy. Also at the initial check up found that I was postive for rectal bleeding. Sent me to a gastro who is going to do two different scopes on the 14th. I should also mention that I'm type 2 diabetic.

Here's where the real kicker comes in, I feel so guilty. I know this surgery is going to be hard on my Dh and Dd. I really deep down feel like it is all my fault and that if I hadn't of gone to the Dr in the first place that none of this would be happening. I know I will be thrilled if I have the surgery and they don't find any cancer, but then again, I will feel that I've wasted all this money, time off work and hardship in getting Dd back and forth to school, for nothing. Hope this made sense.

Welcome to the best place for support!

First of all, throw that guilt away! If you hadn't gone to the doctor, the problems would have manifested themselves in some way to get noticed, and they would have been more difficult to take care of.

This is the time that your family is going to need to rally around you and offer their full support, because this really is all about your well-being... physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It sounds as though you are very comfortable and confident with your doctor, and trust that he is guiding you in the right way. So take it one step at a time, no guilt allowed, and head toward a healthier you!

Gosh, Mixednut, you feel guilty?!?!?

Did you on purpose decide to develop masses and fibroids? No of couse not!!! Bless your heart! This is not something anyone asks for.

If you hadn't gone to the doctor really awful things would have started happening to you- excessive bleeding, debillitating pain, hell on earth....

How about reframing how you are looking at this? How about seeing the new doctor as a blessing, possibly saving you from years of problems, and the whole mess is getting taken care of and that is a blessing in itself!

Have you asked your family how they feel? Are They angry? because of this? Do they view this as a waste of money, getting mom fixed up? Yeah the surgery is going to upest the normal routine, a little, and it wont hurt them one little bit. It will bless them to be able to help you when you ave been such a help to them all these years...

Maybe a family meeting where you tell them how you feel, that you feel guilty, wilol clear the air. I am betting they will be surprised at how you feel, and maybe a little appalled, and will want to assure you that your health is more important than all those really little things. And yeah, in the greater scheme of things getting the kids to games and school and having the money for something extra really is little. The greater scheme of things is mom being well and Functional.

If you have the family meeting see if your daughter can find alternate ways to school; the mother of one of her best friends, folks from church, a neighbor....whatever....problem solve with the family instead of trying to take on all that stuff yourself.

You are going to have enough on your plate and there is no room on that plate for misplaced guilt. You need to take care of yourself and guilt won't help.

Start thinking about health, for the whole family not just honey and kids. Trust your family, they may just surprise you with how much they can do for themselves and how dearly they will want to assist you through this.

good luck!!!

s

Dilu

Thank you both for your excellent adivce. Dh is very supportive and helpful and Dd is a typical teen, who has already asked me if I really need this surgery or it is just an excuse to ruin her life. I also have another Dd who is away at college and wants to come home for the day of actual surgery.

I guess the guilt comes from not really taking care of my diabetes all these years. I also read here that cancer feeds off of sugar and boy have I fed it well. My main Dr. just increased my paxil, saying that I have to get the depression under control so that I can work on the diabetes. Also since we've moved (at the age of 12 for my youngestest dd and 16 for my oldest) my ydd has also suffered from clinical depression. She hasn't made any new friends since we've moved here and we haven't found a church (though we have visited and visited and visited churches).

I do have a part time job that I enjoy very much, but have been there less than a year, and am praying that I will be able to keep my job (not sure yet - will not tell them till I have an actual surgery date.)

I know things will work out for the best, (really), but I've put off having a hysterectomy for years and years and have almost made it to menopause (I'll be 50 next week) and had really hoped that I would be able to skip by. I have had excessive bleeding for years and years and have just gotten used to living with aches and pains. This year, I have only had 5 or 6 periods and had a very good blood count when I was checked in the ob-gyn office. My heart aches for all of the young women here, who have had such severe problems that warrant a hysterectomy at such young ages.

Sorry didn't mean to write a book, but this is really the only place I have to vent.

Thank you all so much for listening.
s

Hi Mixednuts

First. Were used to books here....no problem

Second. I'll let you keep the guilt re: diabetes. I spent to many years doing home health and have seen the devastation this dreadful disease creates. I do urge you to try to get the sugars under control ( also fats) And when you are clinically depressed
it is even harder to get those things under control especially if you are one of the unlucky gals who eats when depressed. (I can relate)

I really urge you to get your numbers under control-I will pray with you for that, as will many of the sisters who read your posts.
You're is right- regarding the depresasion/diabetes cycle.


Third maybe its time for your darling daughter to have a reality check lesson-if you dont want to tell her, have her read some of the more salient posts, maybe you could print them up? It's time for her to step up to the plate, and realize this is major life altering experience that you are about to undertake. And of course we are all hoping for the best. That it will make you healthier and more FUNctional.

Teenagers!!!! The only solace to having them is that there is life after puberty- they do eventually turn into real human beings!

You say your daughter also has depression? Did the doctor say anything about boarderline personality? If so have your honey keep a close eye on her- they, especially the girls with these disorders, often try things durring a family crisis.

Stay in touch.....lets have great numbers-under 200? and You'll be in my daily prayers.

s s

dilu

Mixednuts, I had to laugh when I read where your youngest daughter wondered if you were doing this just to ruin her life - teenagers, you gotta love 'em. It brought back memories, many of them. They do get beyond that, I promise. When I was your daughter's age, we moved from a small town in Texas to a suburb of Chicago. Talk about a culture shock. I was miserable for 2 years, and made everyone else around me miserable. I'm sure that your surgery has her scared, after all, moms are usually the ones who make everything alright, the strong ones of the family, and now that is going to change for a bit.

As far as the diabetes goes, that's a tricky one. I was hypoglycemic, and my mom was diagnosed as diabetic in June. My doctor put me on Atkins in March and I've lost 34 pounds; my mom was on a glucose tablet, but it was wreaking havoc with her blood sugar - it would drop dangerously low. She also started doing Atkins and within a short time was able to be taken off of the tablet. She is still doing fine. Although I am a firm believer in Atkins, I am not recommending this, but it gives you something to look into and if you're interested, talk to your doctor to see if it is something that might be right for you.

As far as the job goes, you should have seen the look of sheer terror on my employer's face when I told him that I was going to be out for 6-8 weeks! Absolutely priceless. I hope that your employer will be understanding.

Try to focus on the end result, a healthier you, which will lead to a happier you, and especially what Dilu said, a more "FUNctional" person!