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How to deal with loseing all of your friends?? How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

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Unread 05-13-2003, 03:09 PM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

Well, as you all can see I guess my good day has not turned out too good after all!!

I have not talked to ANY of my friends in about 2 weeks ( 1 I have not talked to in almost 8 months) and I called 3 of them today and left messages only to get a call back from one and feel like I had just been slapped in the face!

I know they all have their own lives and jobs and are not confined to their houses, but I feel so ALONE!!!! I hear how she is planning a surprise party for a girl she works with because it is her birthday and I did not even get a call from her on mine. She has also had 3 days in a row off and her DH is gone for 2 weeks and she has not even tried to call me. She has been going to lunch with her other friends and cant even CALL me???? I almost started bawling on the phone. I could not say a word for a minute.

I probably sound like a teenager, GOOD GRIEF I sound like my DD!! I just cant deal with having no one presonally to talk to, and NOT about being sick or in pain, just a normal conversation! I feel like I have a contagious disease!

I know you all understand and that is why I am posting this, I need to hear how you deal with it? Do I say something to her with fear of sounding like a jealous kid or do I just get over it and learn to talk to the walls? I love you all SOOOOOO much and you are the BEST friends I could EVER ask for, I wish you all were within walking distance!!! But I had 4 really close friends that use to come over and watch movies and go out to lunch and just talk, and now there all so distant! DH keeps telling me I have him, but it is not the same as talking to your GIRL friends.

I know the one I am referring to can not POSSIBLE understand, she is only 23 (10 years younger than I am ) and has no medical problems, but she was like a sister to me.

Maybe I just need to up my depression meds, but then again, I think anyone, depressed or not would possibly feel the same way, or maybe not! I am just so over this emotional rollercoaster I cound bury my head in the ground. I would bury my whole body but it is too big and I dont feel like digging that much!

OK, I have done my venting session for the day. THanks for listening to me whine!! I am going to go and take a long hot bath!!
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Unread 05-13-2003, 03:16 PM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

Sad to say that I really don't have any in-person friends. The only friends I did have deserted me long ago, even before all my problems. Seems that those gals only wanted things FROM me, they were very much one sided friendships.

My dh is my best friend and I have a few online friends that I talk with about all my problems. And alot of things I keep inside, which I know is not good.

I'm sending more s and a big hug so you know you always have friends here who really do understand.
Unread 05-13-2003, 03:23 PM
I can relate

I know how alone you feel. I know me staying home and wallowing isn't gone to help me. I too have no companionship most the day. Maybe a phone call from a friend who just needs me to vent about her illness and problems.

As you I'm lucky to have a really wonderful husband. I am having some emotional DD 19 year old problems that really hurts me.

Guess what I did. I went out for a 3 mile jog/walk and took a shower and feel a LOT better than I did this morning.

I called work and told them I'd start next Tuesday. I have to. It will be good for ME. They prob. think I'm a flake but I'm just not ready emotionally and physically yet.....I'm going to force myself next Tuesday to go to work no matter what.

So...I really found who my friends are during this "ordeal". My husband has been my number one supporter and my 2 daughters are being great too. Well as great as they can be. <grin>

We are here for you all. We understand how you feel.
Please feel free to PM me or post and vent about anything you may be feeling.

Best Wishes for you et al,
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Unread 05-13-2003, 03:45 PM
dont feel so alone bcause you arent

hey pam you arent alone honey..i dont have any friends either.i got rid of them all.they were takers not givers.when i needed them they scattered like husband,2 chidren(16 &19) and my family are all i need in my inner circle to feel loved and wanted and find out real quick who your friends are and arent when your are down.i made the choice to walk from my estranged friends and not have one bit of regret.i feel better knowing that i dont have to contend with them anymore.its their loss not mine.i am 41 and as i got older i realized so much from people.i was always told if you can count on one hand how many best friends you have in this life time considrer yourself lucky.i may have had one yrs have hystersister friends.even though we cant see each other or talk on the phone or visit there is more compassion here and selflessness here then i have ever known.hugs to you and god bless..always.. angel
Unread 05-13-2003, 04:55 PM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

I can say it as well, you're not the only one who has lost friends. But, you know what........, if they act like they can't be bothered unless they need or want something, to hell with them........., you're better off without them because they aren't really your friends. I do have people that we hang out with, but I don't have anybody that I can say that I'm close to anymore. I think I talk to one of the girls I work with more than any of my so-called friends. I thought I had a this one friend when I lived in Florida, which we hung out together all the time......, but, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up 2 years after we both moved back up north, and she knew me way before she knew him, she was married to his friend, (they're divorced now)......., well let me tell you, I never hear from her at all. BUT, she keeps in touch with my ex-boyfriend and his wife!!! How do you like that?!!! It honkerblonkes me off!!!!! That would be like me keeping in touch with her ex and his new wife, and not her!! I am going to write her a letter and telling her what I think of the whole thing though, and then I'm wiping my hands of her, I'm better off without her.

If we all lived close to each other, we could all be friends, and support each other. But, at least some of you have your husband as your best friend and to be there for you........., my husband is more wrapped up in himself and could care less what I have to say. He tries to be all buddy buddy when he knows I'm mad at him for something, but then he goes right back to being an -ss. I think I'd be better off without him as well! I don't even care anymore. Of course, he's pretty much always been that way, it just took me a long time to really notice it.

Anyway, up here they have meetings at the hospitals for people dealing with menopause and HRT relations, which you can meet other people that are going through the same thing as we are. You might want to check into finding out if they have something where you live. What HRT are you taking? I know that when I have taken certain ones, I have gotten more emotional than I do with others.

I would like to have someone be me to work out with and go walking, and hang out. Of course, then, there's the girls that just don't like you just because they don't. They hate you, but they don't have any reason to.............., jealousy maybe???!!! It seems to always be the case here for some reason. I am finding out from a couple of other girls I've talked to, that they have the same problems with other girls. There have been girls that just don't like me and they don't even know me or anything, I just don't get it. But........., like I said "To hell with them all!"

Don't forget that we're here for you anytime!
Unread 05-13-2003, 06:06 PM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

Hey Pam,

I agree with everyone else. I have a wonderful younger sis that lives 500 miles away but is always ready to talk but it is actually my dh that I do everything with. I met him through his youngest dd. She called me mom & moved in with me. After a year of trying to get me to meet her dad we did & started dating. Wow, did she freak out then. Didn't really think we would hit it off. She to this day won't speak to me or her dad (that she claimed was the only man she would ever love). He has tried many times to reconcile with her to no avail, she married did not invite us, has a child but tells everyone we will never meet her.

Anyway, it is the girls I worked with that don't call me anymore. It wasn't that we were great friends but did work together well. I thought they would at least like to know how I am doing. My dh works with women & they show more interest in me then they do. Oh well!

Unread 05-13-2003, 08:46 PM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

You know, I just start crying when I think of all of you and how I wish I had the chance to be in a room with each and every one of you and have the BIGGEST anyone has ever seen!!

You are all right with getting to know who your true friends really are!! I guess the world really does still go on without us!! I just remember actually having close (or what I thought was close) friends that actually wondered how you were doing and how you felt! I guess I have really lost them all. After reading all of your replies, I now know it is really their loss!

I know I will eventually get a call asking for a haircut (I am a retired hairdresser and did ALL of my friends hair) or something similar. I just dont know whether to tell them why I am saying NO or let them wonder about it? I really like the wonder part! Life is way to short to have to explain myself. PLUS, I did not get any explaination as to why they do not call anymore now did I?

I really have no family except my Aunt that I even talk to either. My dad just thinks I am wonder woman and can deal with anything, I guess he really does not know me either. These are the times in my life I just REALLY miss my mom! She would be right here with me and it is sad to say, but she has been dead for almost 7 years and I can still hear her voice in my dreams. We live halfway across the world from my family so I have no choice but to hold it all together. Mom cracks and the whole family cracks so they say.

Thanks for all of the replies and sharing your stories and giving advice. You are all truely my FRIENDS. We should re-write the definition in the dictionary for all of the others!!

I love you all!!!
Unread 05-13-2003, 10:42 PM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

I can relate. One of my closest friends did not call me for a week and a half after my hysterectomy and she is someone I talk to several times a week! I was hurt, but to this day I haven't said a word about it because I didn't want to sound selfish. I didn't want to make it sound like I was looking for attention. It still bothers me to this day. I guess it showed me that she just isn't here for me when it comes to things like this. Over the last year, I have learned not to talk about my many medical problems with her because she tunes me out or changes the subject. I think she just doesn't know how to respond. I have also learned that most people don't like hearing about my many medical problems unless they too are going through the same things(which most aren't). It comes down to this: most people just don't get it! The only way they could possibly know what you are going through is if they have been through it themselves! It takes a rare person to always be there for you through everything. Sad to say, but true. It has made me a better person. I am now the one that is right there for people when they are going through something tough. I am more compassionate then I used to be and I am able to put myself in their place to try to understand what they are going through. It's so hard. That's why I'm so thankfull for this site. I don't think I could have made it through the last year and half without everyone here. Hang in there
Unread 05-14-2003, 08:43 AM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??


I am truly sorry to hear that your local friends are not there for you in the way that you need them to be. I know it is not the same... but, we are here .... praying for you and hoping that our support is helpful.

Make sure you let your friends know what you need from them. Invite the one you miss most to come and see you. Tell her you really miss her and could she stop by for a chat? I hope that if you communicate that you are lonely that your friends will respond. If they have not gone through this they just have no idea what to do... we have to tell them what we need. Tell her that you sure could use a hug. [One can never get enough hugs]

Try not to compare your friends and their support to the support you receive here. We empathize, they can at best sympathize. It would be great if our friends were telepathic [could just sense what it is that we need without being told.] We can add that to the list of things to wish for....

s and ers
Unread 05-14-2003, 08:53 AM
How to deal with loseing all of your friends??

Hi Pam

I have been totally disabled with chronic illness for over 24 years. Twenty-fifth anniversary coming up in July. I should get an award, right? :

Pam, I also lost all my friends in the first two or three years. People just don't know how to deal with illness and pain. It seems if they can't do something to make you better and you don't get better yourself, they just can't deal with it. If you had cancer and were dying they would probably flock around you, but if you are just going to stay sick and in pain - sorry, it ain't gonna happen. I think they can be forgiven. It seems to be a universal thing - everyone I know who is chronically ill has had the same experience. I know how hurt you can feel. I know how angry you can feel. It took me a long time to get over that. My advice, after all this time, is to honestly forgive your friends. They are coming from a place of fear - your situation brings up issues for them that they can't face. I would encourage you to invite a friend over once in awhile. If you can go out, do. But don't be surprised if these friends drift away. You no longer have much in common with them and it takes a special person to hang in.

What have I done? Well, I do have a great and supportive dh (who is just inaccessible a lot because he's working on getting a business going and travels a lot). My adult children are supportive but also have some feelings that stem from having a sick mother when they were younger. I truly miss having a friend. I have gone to classes and workshops over the years trying to make contact but the fact that I can't go to more than half the classes usually and I can't be out there on a regular basis means that I don't form friendships. These people don't know how to deal with a sick person, either.

I have appreciated the people I have needed to have help me. For years I had homecare that was paid for. Due to budget cuts that ran out and I have to hire help. Sometimes I don't have any help because I can't afford it. But when I do have home support workers it gives me an outlet - another contact from the outside!!

I have made a wonderful friend through an organization that matches up volunteers with people who have no contact other than their family and hired help. I needed to admit that I was really alone and disabled before I was able to even contact that organization and it took seven years to find a match. She no longer visits on a regular basis, it's been three years since she started seeing me and the commitment was only for a year, but we've remained friends. I can get another volunteer now and I might do that. Right now I don't feel like going through that process.

I have developed interests that keep me occupied. I knit, cross stitch and sew. But often I don't feel up to even doing that. I do like to write and I write things for my family. I wrote a book for my oldest daughter that covered the first 18 years of her life and had pictures throughout. (Computer comes in real handy for these kinds of projects.) I now write things for my granddaughter - for when she's older. My family appreciates me documenting our family history so I feel I'm doing something of value. Again, I don't always feel up to doing this, but I know it's always an option. Also, journalling for myself is great. At first I felt I needed to do it in my own handwriting but now I do some on the computer. I have a good journal program that I use.

Being ill has given me a whole new perspective on life. I have really gotten my priorities straight and have had to face the hard issues that most people want to avoid (remember this is why they avoid us, no matter what their other excuses, which are also valid, may be.)

Sorry, I didn't mean to give a lecture here. Your question really got me thinking and remembering. The early years were very painful, both physically and emotionally. I can relate so much to what you are going through now. What I can tell you is that you will get better and you will learn to cope. You will learn so much about yourself you will be an inspiration to those who come in contact with you.

Again, I say don't hold onto anger toward your friends. Explore the possibilities with them. Maybe there are one or two who can at least respond to your outreaches. Don't expect more. And do explore other opportunities. Your church or other organizations in your town may have volunteers who will visit you during this time and that can be helpful. If it's not, we're here for you and you will learn other ways to deal with your daily life. And hopefully you will get better enough to return to work or regular activities at some point. If you don't hold onto your anger you will be able to reconnect with your friends.

Omigosh. I really did go on. Hopefully there's something of use in here for you!!

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