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Feeling very alone Feeling very alone

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Unread 05-20-2003, 12:13 PM
Feeling very alone

You know I almost hate to post here after reading what Terry is going through. Please know that I feel for ALL of my sisters who have had such problems and I'm not trying to say my problems are more important than anyones. You all have been so supportive to one another. I couldn't have gone through this nightmare without knowing that I'm not alone with my feelings.

I just feel so alone. My A+ number one supporter (hubby) left to go on a business trip. He KNOWS how much I need him here right now and yet he chose to go. In my mind he didn't have to go.

I spoke with my heart to him last night, but he feels like *I'm* being selfish because for the past 6 months he has been here. He said it's only till Friday night and I know that but I'm so alone and scared that I might do something. I swear IF I didn't have my two daughters to think of I WOULD kill myself. I certainly have enough PILLS here to do so. No one would even know I did it until hubby came home. I feel like I should lock myself up.

What happened to me.
I'm sorry for this post. I just need some support and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself NOW.

Renee<having a pretty bad day>
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Unread 05-20-2003, 12:45 PM
Feeling very alone

Renee, many, many s Please know that we care about you.........your life has meaning and value. I understand your feelings of hopelessness. I was there off and on for almost 3 years. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. Please call a friend or relative to come and stay with you. Go to the ER if you feel that desperate. Please hun, your 2 daughter's need their mom. I will say a prayer for you that God will give you strength at this time. Please keep posting so we know you are ok. Love ya!

Emily s
Unread 05-20-2003, 01:13 PM
Feeling very alone

You are not alone sweetie! You have many friends here who really do care and also understand what you are going thru.

It's taken my dh awhile but I think he really truly does now understand what I've been thru these last few years. In the beginning we did think the hyst was going to fix me and when I started to have problems afterwards I really think he thought I was just crazy. After going to a few doc appointments with me and watching me go thru all the tests and spending half my life in doctor's offices and taking pain pills he now realizes that I am not crazy and has a better understanding. While I don't think he can *truly* understand, only one who has been thru this can *truly* he is so much more sympathetic and understanding, especially during my bad days.

I've also realized that if I need something from him *I* need to tell him what that is. I can't *assume* that he knows what I want him to do. I have a tendency to go into a shell and I am trying to learn to open up more and let dh know exactly what I need from him. If I just need to be held than I need to let him know that.

The first time I realized that the hyst was only the beginning was one of the hardest times in my life. Here I am years later, but I am still fighting. I have found bits of relief here and there and I still hold out hope that one day I will find those answers. But it is up to me to keep fighting. You have to keep fighting too. I know it it's not easy and it's quite mind numbing when you realize that you still have a battle ahead of you, but you have friends here and I know that your family cares also. I've always been such a strong person, but I finally realized that I don't always have to be strong. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need someone to listen I talk.

Hang in there Renee, my friend. You can make it thru this. Keep fighting and keep looking for those answers.

Also check out our Aching Hearts forum https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/for...p?s=&forumid=8 The gals there are great listeners also.
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Unread 05-20-2003, 01:32 PM
You are not alone!

Dear Renee,

Please, please, please, if you feel so desperate, call your Dr. or go to the ER. Your children do need you, and you are absolutely precious and irreplaceable to them and to God. Honestly, if you are feeling so awful now, it may be the beginnings of something worse and a major signal to take care of yourself and your emotions.

Your feelings of loneliness make sense to me -- with the surgeries and being physically so compromised, we come to depend on those around us very much for our very survival. So I can see that your husband's trip is very frightening for you. You are clearly a strong person, or you would not have made it this far on this road. Your husband sounds as if he loves you very much and may see you as much stronger than you see yourself?

Friday is not that far away. Do you have someone who can come stay with you, perhaps, or even check on you once a day until his return?

Please remember, you are not alone,
with love,
Unread 05-20-2003, 03:30 PM
Feeling very alone

Hi (((Renee))) I know what it's like... I am alone much of the time these days, and when you're not feeling up to par physically, the days can really feel long and dark sometimes. Please know that we're here to hold your hand until your DH gets back home, and after that too! I'm sure he loves you very much, and feels he has to make this trip right now. I doubt very much that he is really choosing to leave you alone, even these few days, unless he feels he has to.

If you seriously feel like you might hurt yourself, please make sure to keep someone with you -- a friend, relative, neighbor... or go to the ER. You are a precious and valuable individual, there is no one else who can take your place with your children and your DH (if he's like many, he might not be too good at saying it, but I bet that's how he feels).

Maybe you can use the time while your DH is gone to plan something you'll all do together when he comes back? Try to look forward to the weekend, when he will be back with you. It really is only a few days, we'll keep you company while you wait.
Unread 05-20-2003, 04:11 PM
Feeling very alone

My dh is gone a LOT and I often find that very difficult, especially since I am chronically ill. I can certainly understand that things are worse for you when he is gone. However, if you feel suicidal it is something that needs to be tended to whether he is in town or not. Take advantage of the fact that it brings that feeling to the fore and find help for yourself on an ongoing basis. In the past I have made good use of the distress line in my town and I couldn't say more about how much it has helped me when I've been without a therapist or it's just not time to talk to mine yet. Where I am there is also a social worker in the community who was extremely helpful to me. Often just talking to someone else can help a person feel supported. I hope you will find the support that you need. Our families cannot always provide all that we need and personally, I don't think we should ask them to.
Unread 05-20-2003, 04:18 PM

I am going to urge you to seek help NOW! It may be just a matter of needing a little help with medication to get you over this hump. You have every right to feel the way you do and should not feel bad for expressing that. Go to a hospital or someplace that deals with this and get the help you need Please!

Your daughters need you more than you know. My dad commited suicide 7 years ago and I still have periods of guilt. It has been one of the most devastating periods of my life and I will truely never be over it. I wish every day of my life that I had seen the signs or somehow prevented it. But there is nothing I can do to set it right. He is gone forever. Whatever pain he was feeling is buried with him and I can never know why he did it or let him know how very much he meant in my life.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all. You feel what you feel and did the exact right thing in asking for help. I just feel so bad that I am so far away and cannot personally come and help you.
But if you do have family nearby please seek them out or go to the hospital to get help.

Unread 05-20-2003, 04:34 PM
Feeling very alone

Thank everyone.....I can't say I feel better because I'm so hurt that he left me in the state of mind I'm in. He knows I'm suffering from depression and I am talking to a counsler but I don't have an apt. until June.

I just feel so hurt that work came before me. It's always been that way and you'd think I'd "get it" by now and except it. He has been so great to me through out this ordeal I just can't believe he left when I'm so down and out. Losing my job, my self esteem, and my health and he is being selfish in my mind and he feels I'm being selfish. We've been married for 23 years and with this current illness I was so PROUD that he was there for me. I just don' get it why he felt this meeting across the country was more important than me. It really hurts and I don't no how to deal with the hurt. As I said he really protected me and now I feel like he doesn't care....it's been too long and I guess he feels I should be well....you know he can't see what's wrong....if I had a broken leg maybe he'd be here and wouldn't have gone.
Why did he go when I need him so badly. I would never commit suicide but honestly I WAS thinking of ways to do it. That scared me. Thank GOD I have my two daughters because if it wasn't for them and the affect it would have on them I would do it. I can't stand living like this anymore. I'm on 40mgs of Prozac and I'm still a mess. I haven't eaten for 2 days now and I feel sick and have a headache but I just can't get myself to eat. THAT IS ONE THING I HAVE CONTROL of....hence my eating disorder.
So my dear friends I promise I won't do anything because of my daughters and pig They need me and I know it. I also know it will get better.....just not right now.
Thanks for all your help.
Unread 05-20-2003, 04:50 PM
Feeling very alone

(((Renee))) I don't know if this will help or not, but I wanted to offer some insight on what you said about work coming before you for your DH. I used to feel that way, too. However...

Guys think about things differently than we do. For them, their whole sense of self worth is tied up in whether they can provide financially for their family. Add that to the fact that they can really only focus on one thing at a time (as a mom, I'm sure you can relate... we can multi-task so easily, but they can't walk and chew gum at the same time, right? Imagine a dad trying to talk on the phone while changing a diaper, helping an older sibling with homework and cooking dinner? Puhleeze! ), and what you end up with is sometimes a being whose whole daily life is focused on work and 'bringing home the bacon'. Lots of things have changed in the last 20 years but underneath it all, that has not.

So, in putting their job first, in their heads, they are putting US first, because after all, who are they earning the $$ to take care of? This is true even if we are working and earning more than they are... they want to be the provider. Since you are out of work right now your DH has got to be feeling this even more recently.

I went through this with DBF a few years back, it was a major, major problem. I wanted us to relax and have a good time, and he wanted to work all the time. I had more money than he did back then. He still insisted on paying for everything; if I did, he sulked. I had to give in and let him do what he felt driven to do. We don't do as much as I'd like, because I'm not contributing as much as I'd like, but OTOH he feels better about himself and the relationship this way.

So, in his twisted male way, your DH probably thinks he is taking this trip 'for you' or 'for the family' since his doing a good job at work is his way of contributing. Men don't get it when we try to tell them that what we REALLY need is emotional support. They don't know how to give that and they're not programmed to do it, they're programmed to give financial support.

Some of them can be taught to be emotionally supportive, but it takes a lot of time and patience, and when you're trying to recover from a major surgery is not the time for you to have to do that. I feel the same way... so I've decided to rely on emotional support from my girlfriends and leave DBF to do what he feels he can do to express his support and love in the only way he can.

I know it's not very satisfying, and it doesn't feel fair at all sometimes, but it's what we've got. Besides each other , of course!
Unread 05-20-2003, 04:58 PM
Feeling very alone

Oh Renee

Sweetie, I sure know how you are feeling!! My DH is in the military and is talking about signing up for a 3 week temporary duty assignment to VEGAS of all places! I will be having steroid injections and another surgery and will need him then more than ever. I too am hurt that he could even THINK of going anywhere around that time (next month). I do not know how to get over the hurt either and my heart goes out to you dear sister!!

All I can do is accept it. I really have no other choice. I have voiced my feelings and I pray he listens. I wish I could give you a BIG right now and let you cry on my shoulder!! I know we are not the same as DH being there, especially for 23 years, but we are always here for ANY support you may need. It may not be physical support, but we can give you the emotional part somewhat.

Please take care of yourself and try and eat something so you dont make yourself any sicker. I KNOW, easier said than done!!

Let us know how your doing and we are always here for you!!!


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